Walking Barefoot in Snow

The thing about dating, looking for a mate in mid-life is that you no longer have tolerance for anything unacceptable. Like, when you go on the first couple of dates of course you put your best foot forward, HOWEVER, in my case there was a mutual dumping of "this is the worst of me" and "this is who I am now and what i want" that took place the first time we met in person.  We had talked sporadically over a period of months- with me avoiding my attraction to him. The thought was that any male i am attracted to is an asshole and i needed to avoid that ever happening again. Well THAT didn't work and i found someone JUST right for me. The point is that when we are younger we want that other person the think we are as close to perfect as it gets, for as long as possible.  When you get to my place in life, you want to know all the dirt and give all the dirt right off the bat - take it or leave it- before you invest years into a person that, lets be honest, is n...

The thing about writing is I can't tell if it's healing or destroying me ~rupi kaur~ How can i tell? Just keep on writing and writing It matters to someone me. 

I received an email this weekend from someone i haven't heard from in well over a year. Seems this person was unhappy with my last blog, had some strong opinions about it, and me. If you know anything about me, you know that if you share your thoughts with me, I'm more than happy to share my thoughts with you ABOUT them.  So in the spirit of being me, let's do that now.  Here are some highlights: 1) "your last entry was pathetic" - and yet, you read it to the end, several times, I'm sure.  So ........not that pathetic really. 2) It's okay to have "dirty laundry" just don't air it.  This, my friend, is the epitome of dysfunction.  This is how abused people and their abusers carry on.  To suggest that i do the same as you, IS pathetic. 3) I am a hypocrite (add that to pathetic, are you keeping track?) Why?  Because i had opinions about someone else's posts.  hmmmm.  ok.  So, don't air dirty laundry and don't have opinions...

The bills I was paying a few moments ago will need to wait a minute - while looking for my expense spreadsheet (yes, i'm THAT anal with my credit lately) I found a folder I had forgotten about on my laptop.  Why did i open it today.   I'm a believer of everything happening for a reason and at the right time.  Maybe the time was right to give me a good kick in the ass and remind me that my memories are selective when i find it convenient.   I need to say here that what i am about to copy and paste is humiliating for me, and will be upsetting and disappointing for  some others.  But, I need to have this found letter to myself seen by someone else, to make it a real thing, as horrible as it is.  At least to me.   Do you want to know why i hate you?  Why I want nothing to do with you?  Why I think everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie meant to manipulate me for whatever it is you want?  Why i find i...

I'm obsessing again, not sure what triggered it. So nice to come out of thin air and slap me in the face. I think stress at work and the change of season right around the corner is doing it. Sitting here in Meriden waiting on a few old friends to meet up for cocktails and catching up....its been so long.  I almost cancelled, as I'm always inclined to do, because of unreasonable nervousness and a touch of panic. Partially because the talk will go back in time at some points  and it brings up a lot of feelings, none of them comfortable. However, seeing these ladies is always such a comfort. Laughing and certain man bashing (I'm sorry but it's true) will also be on the menu.  I'm sad sometimes, when random memories are set loose in my brain. I am still waiting for the day when that pain in my chest doesn't come along with them. Seems ridiculous to me considering where I am now in my life,  so it also annoys me. Makes me feel foolish all over again. Betrayal will ...