Is it not having feelings or is it maturity and experience

What man isn't prince charming when he's first trying to date you?  And then, once you have shown interest ....over time familiarity, the truth starts to leak out.  No one is perfect, everyone has their moods and sometimes you just need a break from someone.  

Side thought -I've never needed a break from Doug and Jen.  Just saying.  I've spent weeks with them, and have still gone to their house the following weekend.  It's easy, it's natural, we talk, we eat, we have fun, and we aren't always together even if we are together.  Sometimes, i play my games, or read, or even go take a nap and it's okay.  They do the same thing.  That is family.  That is comfort.  That is home. 

Don and i are still new, and I do feel like he is pushing forward at a speed i'm not comfortable with.  I'm not going to play house with a man i just met.  Yes, he can spend the night, and have sex and hang out and go out shopping or site seeing...get to know each other better every day.  The good the bad and the ugly.  

I'm getting the inkling that there may be some ugly I should know about but he won't talk about and that's okay.  For now.  I'm not talking about his Marine experience.  That is his to hold until/if he ever wants to confide or share.  I understand that.  But i DO need to know the triggers because like I am so GOOD at, i step on a landmine and have no idea where the explosion comes from.  So yeah, i need to know a little about his past.

Especially with relationships.  

I've come too far, and become to peaceful and happy with my life to tolerate any kind of stupid bullshit from anyone.  

It's not funny to neg on me.  "Negging, when a partner puts you down, so you feel you have to prove yourself, can often be disguised as flirting.  May seem innocent enough. But it’s actually a type of emotional manipulation that can land a blow on your self-esteem"

It's something i've become very aware of - every relationship i've had (with the exception of Carlos) has involved negging in one extreme or another.  First, i'm wonderful, beautiful, and then........i'm not.  Unless I this...or that...or placate ....

Um. No thank you.  I don't talk to men like that and i'm not going to be talked to like that by any man, ever again.  

A huge trigger i have is when men walk away obviously pissed off at me, without saying "i'll be back later" or "I'll call you in a little while"....some kind of touch stone that they aren't leaving me forever.  This comes from my mother bullshit, and from my fears that i'm not good enough.  The idea of a man leaving me used to send me into a pure panic attack.

I'm happy to say, that is no longer the case.  I think Bill must have cured me.  He sent me on such an emotional rollercoaster that the idea of a man withdrawing his love from me, only confirms that he is not the man for me.  It has nothing to do with my value, or anything i did or did not do.  Love is not performative or conditional.  Not the kind i want.  

Last night i told Don that i can be miserable all by myself, i don't need a mans help.  I wish he would have listened, but then, I was probably "being too much".  

I'm not your friend, i'm not your property, and I sure as hell am not anyones child.  I don't need to be raised, or  taught how to act.  If someone has an issue with something i say or do, then having a conversation about it is invited....use your words.  But pouting, ignoring me (especially in my own home) .....unacceptable.  So when you make it obvious you are collecting your stuff to go home.......don't expect a reaction.

Do as you will.  This is my philosophy after having too many years being controlled by a man threatening to leave me.  Go then.  If you cant communicate, and compromise - then i'm not the woman for you.  

He left this morning, obviously pissed off about something - and I let him.  What did he want?  "baby is everything okay?  what's wrong?  are you mad at me?"  Because OBVIOUSLY yes, all of the above.  His choice was to leave.  Okay.  Bye.  i'm not chasing after a man to have him turn his mood on me.  I know i did nothing egregious by waking up this morning.

Maybe this isn't going to work out.  My second toxic trait is to cut off anyone i feel is going to cut me off.  I do it first.  If I get a feeling they aren't happy with me, or don't want to be around me, they are done.  I did it multiple times with Bill.  I should have seen it through the first time and then if it was going to end LET IT end instead of the cat and mouse game i participated in with him.

I'm not going to cut Don off because he chose for whatever reason to leave this morning.  He left some of his stuff here, and thats okay.  I knew when he left, because i had no reaction other than a hug and "drive safe"...he would be back.  He was looking for me to ask him and hell no......i've learned.  I'm not asking for an attack.

I went and got into the shower and my phone started ringing off the hook.  I ignored it.  Then i hear a knock on my door, then banging.  I jump out of the shower, open the door and let him in......then turn around and go back to my shower.  Dude.  I'm not playing games.  I heard the door shut again.  

Choices.

Today, i'm bringing a lot of garbage out to the dumpster, and i'm going to drop off a lot of stuff at good will.  Then i'm coming home and watching tv while i work on a puzzle, or maybe read a book, or take a nap.  Whatever the hell i want to do.

With, or without a man.

i would eat cold lunches every day ...

 ....to have a real sit down conversation with my boss and listen to him talk about the things he's done over the years.

I came back from the cafe with bought lunch, a big no no for me lately, and found my boss sitting in my office on the phone with his boss.  He was on the speaker.  I hesitated, not knowing if i should give him privacy or not, but he waved me in.  I sat and listened to my boss be told not to attend a very important meeting that is coming up.  That was the jist of the conversation that both mortified and pissed me off - and i can only imagine how my boss felt.

He's in his 80's, he has Parkinsons.......it's getting progressively worse.  In the past year i've noticed it.  But he is still the same brilliant man......it just may take some time for his thoughts to gel and come out of his mouth, and he may fall asleep sometimes, but .......HE'S in his 80'S for christ sake.

This man has been here for almost 50 years.  He has not only the knowledge but the history of this place.  He was a freaking Nuerosurgeon and has advanced degrees in Mathematics as well!  He's been working on computers from the very begining of computers......programming them.  He knows all the computer languages.  He built the program i coordinate single handedly and yes, it is complicated.  He knows it inside out, all the why's and wherefors........he is the creator.

It's been hard for me to watch him struggle, but i know it's much harder for him.  And this call, which was done as respectfully as possible when a call like this is made......I'm sure it hurt him.  How can it not?  He's been a highly functioning member of this organization in different leadership capacities for 50 years.  And now, they don't want him to attend a meeting because he falls asleep sometimes, had "bad" days, and may take a bit to get his thought out.  He has the knowledge, it's just getting it out that gives him difficulty on some days.

Is this ageism?  Is it discrimination because of his illness?  He would never say that.  He is a proud man.  

And he sat and talked to me for almost an hour about the call, the program, his history at UConn and all the things he did BEFORE and during UConn.  He had his own business when he was in Medical school.  Can you imagine?  I could listen to him talk about his life and achievements for as long as he wants to talk.  

His plan is to get his Ph.D in Mathematics because he hasn't yet.  That is his RETIREMENT plan.  And then there was talk about quantum computers.........way over my head.....and going to MIT in the spring.

WTH???  And this stupid organization has the audacity to not appreciate his genious because it takes him some time to express it.

I'm heartbroken for him, but at the same time, fuck that.  If they don't appreciate and value him than fuck em.  Let them figure it out on their own.  No skin off his nose anymore.  

We are all hopefully going to get older, and slow down, and yes, fall asleep sometimes because we don't sleep at night anymore.  So we get to the ripe age of 80's after a lifetime of accomplishments and then.......become inconvenient.  

I value him.  I am in awe of him.  He is the smartest man i've ever MET and had the absolute gift of working with.  I've learned more from this man in less than 2 years than i have in my professional lifetime.  

It's too bad for the "youngsters" that they aren't smart enough to value his experience, knowledge and know how.......wait till he's not here in July.  The shit will hit the fan.

Bathroom

 i forgot what it is like to get up and go to work when there is a man sleeping in my bed.

I also forgot how hard it is for me to get out of that bed and get my butt moving.

I could wake up like that every day and be a happy woman.

Having one bathroom though.......that is the kicker.  I'm not used to grabbing my stuff and running out of it  because someone else has nature call.   I'm going to have to move my makeup and hair stuff out of there if this becomes a regular thing.  

Ain't no way i'm going in there after he comes out.  Nope. No thank you.  Thats one thing i DO remember.

What will he do while i'm at work today?  It must be wierd for him to be at my place by himself.  Will he sleep? snoop? draw? Does it matter?  

Yesterday i came home and the door was open.  I mean, wide open.  I know i closed it in the morning because it unlocked and i had to push the button in and make sure it was actually locked before i left for work.  But the door was open.  And it wasn't cold in my apartment, so it couldn't have been for long.

Of course i went through and checked everycorner and hiding place to make sure no one was in there waiting for me to close the door behind me.  Nothing.  Noone, and not a thing disturbed that i could see. 

Strange.

I immediately thought of Bill, who had/has? a key to my place.  He tried to hold it over my head and use it as an excuse to see me after i broke up with him.  I told him to throw it away.  It's not like he couldn't have made a copy if he was going to be a criminal.  I'm not kidding myself that if anyone wanted to break into my place it wouldn't be difficult to do.  It might, however, be the last thing someone does.

The world is a dangerous place.  I'm aware of it.  

Having a big strong man sleep next to me during the week........i'm so out of practice.  Last night i went to bed before he did and was alseep.  I thought i might not, that it would be too different, but it wasn't.  It was nice, and it felt comforting.  I had forgotten about the middle of the night cuddles and touches.  I can get used to that with him.  

This is moving fast and i'm also very aware of that.  We had our first "disagreement" about stupid facebook because i changed my profile picture and he said i don't need to look for attention anymore.  Well DAMN.  That smarted.  But i held my ground in that this is something i've always done and if he doesn't want to be connected to me on FB thats totally fine, but it does mean people don't know i'm with him and he needs to relax with that jealousy business.  I'm on a weight loss journey and i like to show my progress because my friends support me and that matters.  Posting is going to happen.  

I'll keep and eye on that.  He's a MAN man.  My Marine Man.  But controlling me isn't part of the deal.  

His father sent me a puzzle to do that has only 250 pieces so i can finish it.  LOL  I thought that was very thoughtful and kind.  I like this family.  I hope they are as they seem, tight.  

Soon my family will have one more with my grandson coming this summer.  I watch my granddaughter getting so big and i think about the baby arriving.  I'm so grateful for both.  And for my children who survived me raising them.  

Now if i could only get my employment situation back on a comfortable track.  I'm okay with change, but i'm not okay with being treated like a number by the hospital.  My boss says not to worry. How do i do that?

Funk

 yesterday i was in a funk.

My nervous system gets set off when i start to get close to a man.  

I'm trying to learn how to regulate it, instead of going into these spirals of fear and anxiety.

Whats the worst thing that can happen?  He turns out to be not for me and we end it.  Tada!  I've done that before and i can do that again and be fine.

It's not like when i was married, had a barely minimum wage job and 2 children to support on my own while living with a mentally unstable drug addict. I survived that and anything after it is a cake walk.

I let myself get too close.  I need to practice detachment.  For my own mental health and for his comfort as well.  No one needs an emotionally dependent weight around their shoulders.  And those that do, aren't thinking of my best interest.

So. Don is bringing over his expensive 3D printer because he doesn't have room at his place, which is a very pleasant but small apartment.  It doesn't leave a lot of room for extras.  Also, you can pretty much hear everything at his place.  Which, doesn't leave a lot of room for privacy.  Not that my place is any better but i only have the neighbor upstairs to consider.

That means we will be spending most down time at my place.  He is retired, so he has a lot of free time on his hands - He's already listed the things he will do for me at my place.  Him sitting still for a long time isn't something i will see very often.  And i like that.  I don't need a man coming to my home on the weekends and taking up space on my couch staring at the TV.  Theres a time and place.  Not on my time, not at my place.

I'm excited about him painting my living room, and getting the deck filled with plants and flowers.  He wants to attack the weeds crawling up the building by my front door and why shouldn't he?  I've been begging management to fix it for years.  Don wants to make it look nice and if he wants to, go for it.  

He wants me to research a vacation for us this summer and he will pay for it.   I reminded him that I (and now we) go to Florida every summer with Doug and Jen.  If he doesn't want to, thats fine but i'm going.  He says i'm not going on vacation without him.  So i guess that means he is. HA!  He will always be invited, but he is going to find out that i do what i want when it comes to getting together with my friends that are family to me.  

He's dragging his feet on meeting my friends and i reminded him that i met his parents on our SECOND date.  I'm not going to take excuses.  I jumped, he needs to jump.  

Because not meeting my friends, is a big no no.  I won't introduce him to my kids until we have been together for at least 6 months.  Probably at the holidays if we are still together.  Unless it's very serious and committed and PROVEN.....he won't meet my kids.

i do this to myself

 The closer i get with Don, the more i begin to self sabotage.  

I won't do anything to risk the relationship, it's more of a torture myself type thing.

I was talking in my sleep, apparently about Bill - or too Bill.  Don asked me who Bill is the next morning.  I blew it off.  Bill is the LAST person i want to talk about to Don.  I'm afraid Bills toxic bullshit will seep in to my present. 

I've been very good about trusting Don, in spite of my innate distrust of all men, with good reason.  I don't worry about him with other women.  I don't worry about him fucking me over.  I do worry that maybe i won't be strong enough for him.  I've seen some of the PTSD, felt it vibrating off him - and all i know to do is give him space but let him know i'm not judging.  I've been reading a lot about it, and how it shows up.  To me, he is worth the time.  He is worth any effort.  I just hope i have the strength of character that he does.

Time will tell.  It always does. 

I am in a mood.  This morning i woke up happy- having a snow day and being able to clean out that huge closet i have so i can fit Don's 3D printer in it.  We are going to make things.  He knows how, i will learn.  So as i'm bringing boxes to the basement, and making a donation pile my mood starts to turn.  I'm so happy.  How long will that last?  How will this man break my heart and spirit?  Why am i letting him in and getting close?  What is wrong with me?

And then i go to social media and .........stalked Bills page.  I wanted to see the puppies.  He never posted anything about his personal life.  But as i'm looking at River, the puppy - i see a female slippered foot.  Sitting in the same exact seat i used to sit in.  And that picture was posted at the beginning of February.  Not even two weeks after i broke up with him.

I should feel vindicated.  I knew he was a lying cheating asshole.  But having it right there.......It's not even HIM.  It's me.  Its my poor judgement AGAIN.

Darryl - Cheated.  Carlos - didn't want anything serious with ME, but was in a relationship shortly after me Bill- just a toxic ride from the begining, me being part of a weird threesome i knew nothing about until i was involved.  Poison smells sweet.  Its hard to quit.  But i did.  Something in me identified with his disgusting character - the darkness in me, related to the darkness in him.

And now, here i am again.......getting attached to another man.  A man who within 5 minutes of coming to my house grabbed a shovel and cleaned off my deck and back stairs.  A man who tells me the past doesn't matter because i wasn't there with him.  A man who cooks food and brings it to me.  A man i feel emotionally safe with, as long as physically.

I'm gonna bet he never chokes me out and then thinks its funny when i have a bad reaction.  

I'm gonna bet he disappears before he ever cheats.

I met his PARENTS.  He introduces me to other men in his building as his GIRLFRIEND.  He doesn't hide me.  

I don't trust my judgement.  I'm getting nervous because i'm attached.  I really really really don't want to get hurt yet again. 

sleep over party

 I can't tell you the last time i had a man spend the night ..........I know i wasn't happy about it, and that i didn't sleep - and woke up crabby.

But last night we had our very first sleep over and I don't know how he slept yet (he's still sleeping) but i was very aware he was there every time i woke up.  Which i do frequently.  

He was here when i got home from work last night, and he had meatballs and the makings of a salad.  We feasted, and then.........i gummied.  and gummied some more.  He thinks i'm cute.  I think i hope i never get used to that euphoric feeling of happiness on clouds.  I let loose when i'm gummied.  Laugh and laugh.  and he laughs with me.

for now.  

I'm sure the giddiness will wear off eventually but for now, i'm enjoying it.  As time goes on we will go deeper or lose contact......i hope he is my last.  I have so much damn fun with him.  And he treats me like a lady.

Can't say it's a bad feeling having Don, a big handsome man, sleeping in my bed.....not a bad feeling at all.  

Oh!  and when he got here he went out and shoveled off my back steps and deck.  Then he moved the furniture and put the outdoor rug over the railing to dry out as much as possible.  He continues to make my life better.

i'm doing this

 Talked to my bestie last night and had nothing but glowing things to say about Don.  And then, i do what i do and i began to pick the situation apart.

What does he want from me?

How can he like me so much so soon?

What is wrong with him?

What is wrong with me?

And bestie promptly told me not to self sabatoge this.  She reminded me that i've been walking on air since meeting him, she said he has given me no reason to thing he's up to no good, he needs nothing from me (or vice versa) and what is wrong with me is that i don't think i deserve a good,  quality man like Don.

Well then.

All i know is that every time i get attached I get hurt.  Or i feel stupid for getting attached.  I always feel like the butt of someone elses joke on me.......hahahahah she thought we were a couple.

Don has made no bones about we are together now, and thats that.  Why can this man claim me so easily and be so sure and yet the others ........?

I think thats what is scary to me.  Is he crazy?  

Or is he just a grown ass man that met a woman that aligns with him and his values and he is smart enough to claim her before someone else does.

I'm gonna go with both on this one.

And i'm going to let it happen without trying to dismantle it.  I'm happy, but holding back.  Why should I?  What is the danger of letting go and letting what happens happen?

I just don't want to be played again.  

my readings

 i do and get tarot readings for myself.  I'm not that good at it, plus technically I shouldn't be doing it for myself.

Bill comes up repeatedly, over and over.  The man won't go away even when I have no contact.  Let me put this simply, he fumbled me, more than once....was given ample opportunities that he did not deserve to catch up to a mature level of emotions and EACH TIME, fell back into his old patterns.  Lies, deceit, a literal fantasy life that did NOT exist went on in his head with him being the main and only important character.

He was mean.  And when he wanted to be, he was charming and could talk me into anything.

Was that his fault?  No.  It was mine.  Because i had not learned my lesson.  Men talk shit to get what they want.  They do not have any guilt, or any conscious about lying to get to their goal.  And they do not care about the destruction they leave behind.

Most men.  Maybe not all.  I have yet to meet the exception.

Marine man, Don.  He is blatant with his views, does not sugarcoat anything and sometimes it's not socially "acceptable".  It's not directed at me but it does apply to me.  Womens place is not in the military, not in police work, or any traditionally male careers.  They should be home, taking care of home and her man.

Wouldn't THAT be nice?  To be able to actually depend on a man to go out and earn while I stayed home and raised the kids, took care of the home and man?  That is all i ever wanted.  A family.  A home.  And that is exactly what delayed my own growing up and learning how to take care of myself.  

Shocked?  I believe in equal rights.  I believe women are just as important as men, and can do things that he can't.  I believe men can do things women can't.  I believe that if a woman wants to stay home and raise her children, keep a home and support her man, she should be able to make that CHOICE.  I was lucky in that i stayed home with my children when they were young, before they went to school.  It was a struggle, we were poor, we scraped by........and i didn't pay someone else to nurture my babies. It was hard because society wanted me to go to work, at minimum wage and pay someone else to stay with my kids.

Womens rights should be for ALL women. It's not a crime to want to raise your own children.  And it's not a crime to want to go back to work or have a career if that is what you prefer.  

Off track.

Don is old school OLD SCHOOL, not the pretend kind.  

It's going to take me a long time to trust that.  He's a man.  Men talk shit they don't back up.  Women who listen to what men say, without waiting for the results are usually paying a price for it.  Literally and figuratively.  

Trust is an issue for me.  I'd love for it not to be.  It will take time.  We are going to knock heads because we are both strong personalities.  I am MORE than willing to submit to a man stronger than I am.  Strong in character.  Strong in loyalty.  Strong in values.

And that can only be seen over time.

Take time

 Saturday night Jen and Doug came over and early the next morning (sunday) we drove out to Caanan to pick up my entertainment center.  It turned out to be HUGE and solid wood, which is great, but also very heavy.  When we got it back to my place my neighbor, Kurt, had the unfortunate timing of leaving his apartment and seeing we were struggling.  He and Doug got it all into my apartment.

That was nice and neighborly.  I don't really talk to him but we smile and wave in passing.

while i was putting my stuff together to go spend the day with Marine man i put aside one of my baby spider plants to bring to Marine man.  He has huge windows in his place and two very large plants.  I wanted him to have one of my babies.....Bwaaaahahahahaha.  Baby plants!  I decided giving one to my neighbor to say thank you seemed appropriate as well since he randomly busted his gut to get my furniture in when he didn't have to.

Always say thank you, and give a token of thanks.  He has a lot of plants too so i thought he'd appreciate another.

Met Marine mans parents.  Yes i did.  We went to their house, and then we  took his mom out for lunch while his dad did his puzzle.  They are in their 80's.  She was trying to give me gifts from the raffle prizes she had won and i made the mistake of not accepting. oops.  So when we went out to lunch she insisted on buying my chocolates that were very tasty.  They are a generous family.

He told me she likes me.

The fact that that matters to him matters to me.  

It's a whirlwind.  But i'm not using rose colored glasses.  He has his ways, HIS ways, like all men (and women including myself) have when they've been single for a long time and have gotten used to doing things alone.  I had my first taste of his spontaneous bursts of anger to something i thought was a minor irritation.  Not at me, but at someone who almost his his truck when she was backing out and then had the nerve to stare at him for blaring his horn. 

He takes disrespect very seriously.  

Still learning a lot about each other - one being i have respect but i also will push limits because i don't know how NOT to.

A lot of firsts

We went on our first date Valentines day.  There were a lot of firsts.

I went home with the hand knit blankets he got me from the ladies guild that visits the Vets.  He is a retired Marine.  He is...........all man.  No doubts.

He gave me one of his Marines sweatshirts, and other assorted goodies from our day together.  We fell into it like we've known each other forever.  It was very easy.  And nice.  And felt like home.  Thats the feeling.

I have nothing to offer him, he's all set. All i have is me, and he seems to think i'm worth keeping.  We need to keep getting to know each other, obviously.  Neither of us is moving from our current living situations and we dont live that far apart, just enough to make it be an effort.

I feel seen, and i like what i'm seeing.  Tall, handsome, strong male features, built and bald with tattoos.  Takes care of how he looks, and how he lives.  HOT.  yes, that too.

Saturday I will know

 There's nothing.  Not a thing i can point to and say "there, thats the red flag".

Is THAT a red flag?

They say you have 3 loves in a lifetime.  First is idealistic, then hard love, and finally grounded love.

Since the breakup with Darryl over 10 years ago, i've dated a LOT.  I've become infatuated with a couple of men, and only really felt anything similar to love with Carlos (later identified as limerence) and Bill (reinforcing that i must love myself first)

Yet, how can it be called love when the object of your affection does not return the feeling?  Maybe i needed more lessons on hard love?  

Regardless.  

I've been talking to Marine man for ONE WEEK and i feel like we know more about each other in that short time than i have learned about during my entire relationship with others.

And maybe its because we don't talk about past relationships or dating experiences.  We talk about now, about our likes/dislikes, passions, fears, goals....Neither of us has shared any stories about why we are single at this ripe old age.  I've asked him some very pointed questions, and he has answered briefly with no big story to either validate or excuse his choices.  Just an answer.

If any other man, other than a Marine Veteran said "the past needs to be left in the past" I would think he was out to hide something from me, or withhold something nefarious that i would later regret not knowing.  I would consider it suspect.  

And .......it might be!  But, what if............

He' already identified that i'm an overthinker.  He, like others before him, has told me to relax.  That must be a man thing.

And this guy is all man.  Even with any of the bad things that have happened to or around him (I don't know what that is) because he doesn't whine about it or use it as an excuse to hold back with me, or act like a jerk - or not feel bad for hurting me.

He's a man.  A MAN.

Okay and we are meeting tomorrow for the first time.  Yes, on Valentines day.  Which wasn't even on purpose - but still feels right,  And we BOTH are expressing excitement over meeting each other, and well.........

It feels right.

I do this with every single man i think there is potential to fall in love with.  I build them up, i file away the red flags to shame myself with later, I talk myself into that THIS man is THE man.  And it never works out.  

I've been 100% myself on the phone with him and he finds it endearing.  He has already identifed my quirks, knows when i'm being sarcastic and can read me.  Yesterday he was having a snack while we talked and i almost made him choke - because i yelled "WAIT A MINUTE" when something he said finally settled into understanding.

I like making him laugh.  

My intention for tomorrow is to go with an open mind and heart.  I will be myself, be true to myself and take an active role in what happens. or doesn't.

He said i'd be changing my single status by Sunday.  That there was a "new sheriff in town" and that i'd be taken care of .....i'd not have to worry about anything again.  That sounds so sure that i might have to believe him. 

Reminder

 I need to slow my roll.

I haven't been talking to Marine man for a whole week yet and i look for his messages for that dopamine rush.  I like the way he talks to me.

He sometimes slips and calls me M'am.  I mean, i've been called worse. 

Last night he was wrapped up in the news, watching an elite hostage rescue team in Tuscan regarding the Nancy Guthrie situation.  There was no distracting him, however, i did get my own personal updates from him.  Get the bad guys.  

He's not just a retired Marine, he's a GRUNT.  I'm not entirely sure what that is, but put simply, he's a badass.  A genuine, trained Badass.  

And he likes me.

HOWEVER, we have not set a date to meet yet.  He says "soon", and I flat out asked him if he was involved with someone and he reassured me he is not, and has not been for a long time.  Calmly and directly, without any attitude.  You know, like a grown up responds to possibly rude questions.  So I returned the favor by thanking him for clarifying. 

It is starting to bother me though because i'm impatient.  From everything i've read (not too much) patience with a man retired from the military is extremely important for several reasons that are applicable in this situation.

So i better learn how to be patient.  For me, it's an anxiety thing.  I need to know,  and i need to know NOW.  That's not going to go well with this man.  So I adjust, or keep it moving.

Is that already me adjusting to him?  Is that a bad thing or is that just what people do?  I have to keep an eye on that. I naturally envelope myself into their lives, and that has not been a good thing in the long run.  I need to maintain my "SELF" while integrating with a man, not losing myself in him.

That sounds right.  Not like horseshit.

So........i have no idea when we meet face to face and until that time i control my impulse to project "what might be".  

It's hard not to get excited, but i always do this.  I take a bit of spark and run with it to the finish line before it even catches fire.  Relax, mb.  Relax.

aware

 Last night i spent 2 and 1/2 hours on the phone with Marine Man.  There was some flirting, but nothing i wouldn't say in front of other people.  We can't shut up.  He asks great questions, and remembers my answers.  Sometimes i have to repeat my questions......in that regard, he is a total guy.  

Nothing escapes me.  If you don't answer me, i give it another shot.  If you still don't answer me I file it away under "something he doesn't want to discuss" for future reference.

One thing i like is that he doesn't talk about women he has dated and he doesn't want to hear about anyone i've dated.  I like that.  We are dealing with who we are with each other.

He told me he respected me because our first conversations didn't have me asking interview questions like "where do you work" and "how many siblings do you have" etc.  You know, the boring questions that mean nothing until you know if you even LIKE the guy.  Who cares about the details in the beginning stages?  I act like i just sat down next to you in a bar and we started a conversation.  

Because, isn't that what it is?  It's finding out if you are interested, if you have anything in common...and then you get the details once that is confirmed.  No wonder so many people's first dates suck ass.  I hate it when i get  the financial portfolio on the first date.....dude, i could give a shit.  Thats your private business and i don't know you, or if i want to know you yet.  SMH.

I understand why women do it though.  They have a checklist in their head (so do I) and they are running through it trying to eliminate this man from the running.  Thats how i see it.  You can't live your life by a checklist.  There's a "vibe"...i know, everyone says that now.  But for me, it's true.  I've dated men that look perfect on paper and we had ZERO connection.

If i'm talking to Marine man for over 2 hours, there's a connection.  There's laughing, teasing - and disclosure.  

I can talk to pretty much anyone.  But it's not common to have the banter go both ways, and to already reference inside jokes. 

Here is my one concern so far.  Spending time talking to him, without having met him in person - that could be a huge waste of time.  We could spend all this time getting to know each other and then when we meet there is no connection.  He disagrees.  He thinks it's better to get to know each other first, and then the first meeting is more like coming home instead of a blind date.  

I'm taking a chance here.  Yesterday, i didn't hear from him all day after i responded to his good morning text (I know! shut up!) and i thought "ghosted"......because thats generally how it happens.  And then last night he called me and asked me about my day etc.  I asked about his day and he said he spent it with a friend.

.............my mind starts to do what it does. "a friend" can be......well, you know.  Not available all day.....but you know what?  He is "on vacation until retirement" and he can do whatever he damn well pleases.  He is showing interest in me, we are getting to know each other........i will remain aware, but there is no reason thus far to think that he's like anyone else i've ever dated.  you know, the lying cheating cowards.

(I love that I called Bill a coward and he got his little ego in a bend.  I was on point with that description, and i know it rings in his bald little head.  Good.  Fucker.  You don't get to play with womens emotions and not walk away with a reminder.)

Got sidetracked.  Marine man is not Bill.  He is not like anyone i've ever talked to before. Old School, retired bad boy, and can i just say.......Tall, Tatted, Bald and ........gooooood god.  My libido is waking up for SURE.  I just hope i'm not building him up which is always a possibility.

But he's leading the pace......and i'm willing to go for the ride.  Nice change of pace.  Nice to feel like a lady.

Avoidant

 i fell for two avoidant personality types.  The kind that like you fine until you actually want to be with them.  The more you want them, the more they pull away and run.

I've worked through "why" in therapy, and i'm pretty sure now that i'm aware of it, i can hopefully avoid it.  

I need more than bare minimum.  I need to not give more than one reasonable chance.  I get mad at myself, get "dramatic" about it because i'm ashamed to have fallen for someone who gave me all the evidence that he was not the one.

First with Carlos. Who seemed very interested until I was returning the interest.  Then he "got stressed".  I'm not sure if he really is an avoidant though, because he's been with someone for a while and doesn't seem to have a problem staying with her.

Maybe it was just me.  He didn't want to be with me but the sex was good.  I just didn't fill any other criteria he had in his head.  He was honest, but it doesn't make it better considering he knew i wanted more.  He could have been a better man, and i could have protected myself from the situation by not engaging as soon as he told me he didn't want a relationship.

I thought we'd "grow" into it, because i wanted him.  I accepted that he didn't want me, but would fuck me.  That's on me.  Entirely on me.

Won't happen again.  Matter of fact that lesson was so hard that i haven't had sex SINCE him.  I've dated, but nobody i wanted to get serious about, or vice versa.  I made a choice not to have sex with a man i wasn't in a relationship with.

Bill.  He thought if he could have gotten it up i would have definetly had sex with him.  Like i never dated any men that kissed good before him. He thought because i am passionate, that he could have had me.  And maybe he could have at one point, when i thought we were together, wanting the same thing.  I'm just glad the man couldn't get hard to save his life.  I didn't have to get attached to him like that.

But there it is again. He is an avoidant.  Always wanted me when he couldn't have me, as soon as he got me, didn't want me.  Would pull away.  I know it's not just me though, he had his ex who never left the picture.  He was with me, wanted her because she was with someone else.  When he had her, multiple times, he cheated (with me and others) and treated her like shit.

And this is who i thought i fell for.  

That is also on me.  Now when i look back i get furious.  Not at him, he can't really help that he's a coward. His thoughts and feelings are only for himself.  He carries his own cross.  I get mad at myself for again thinking, we would grow into it.

You'd think i would be sick of men.  I'm more sick of myself.  I have to remain detached and not become so easily pleased with breadcrumbs.  I'm not.  But i accept it, and continue to entertain men who do it to me.

Maybe i do need to put effort into dating multiple men.  Then one doesn't become so important, and has some competition.  That was my intention, to date multiple, but it's exhausting.  And not fun.

YES, i think about it all the time.  I'm 58, i'd like to have sex again.  I'd like to have a man to cuddle with who i respect and want.  I want to share my life with someone who also wants to share with me.  I don't think that's a bad thing.

I am happy by myself, yes.  But i want a relationship just as much.  But not with just anyone.  And not with an avoidant.  

Weekend thoughts

 Mostly I sat and watched TV this weekend.  I did go grocery shopping and managed to go poke around at the dollar store (i needed a foam board) but those were the only two times i left home.  It was COLD as hell.  I did some shoveling just because - cleaned off my car from the snow - and called that my cardio.

More conversations with the Marine.  So far so good.  He has some very strong feelings about illegal immigrants that might become an issue if we start dating.  It's never black or white.  It's okay to have differing opinions but when someone has that much fire behind their's.......you wonder if a calm conversation and an agreement to disagree is going to work.

So far, that's the only caution signal i'm getting.  He texted briefly throughout the day Sunday, but was with his family and then watching Super Bowl.  I like that he let me know that he was going to be busy but still thought enough to text once in a while.

He seems level-headed, but.......Marine.  Proceed with caution.  Also..... a man....Proceed with caution.

We talk about good stuff.  It went from surface conversation to politics and religion, which I usually clam up about.  

He could be anyone.  

I like who he is showing up as.

The super bowl.........I liked the half time show.  Don't know why everyone is up in arms about it just because it's Bad Bunny.  I thought it was entertaining and enjoyable.  The set was beautiful and it felt positive.  God forbid.

If people hated it or didnt watch it because it was hispanic, thats a different problem.  I do like it when people show themselves for what they are.  Makes it easier for me to avoid them.

Stuff has been going on at work that is making me nervous.  I rarely feel safe in my job, and i had started to feel like i was.  Dumb ass.  Never drop your guard.  Things are changing, are beyond my control and i'm not sure i like the direction.  For now, i stay aware and  quiet.  I said my piece to my new boss.  What he does with that will determine next steps for me within the next few months.

the joys of dating sites

 You never know what is on the other end of that conversation.  Profiles with pictures that are not who they are, descriptions that are leaving out the most important parts.......It's a crap shoot.

The Ranger guy turned nasty with strange texts and when i told him basically "good luck" he went on a long rant about how fat, old and ugly i am and how no one will ever want to date me.

Basically, he sounded like a woman.  Most men, even jerks, would just say "fuck off you fat ugly bitch"....but this one had paragraphs.  Catfished.

You always have to be conscious that people are not always what they say they are.  

I tend to only talk to one person at a time.  I know, i'm supposed to talk to many, date a few and have sex with one......(a good rule i stumbled on years ago) but damn, i don't have the energy for all that.  Or the interest.  Plus i can't keep them straight.  

So, "Ranger" boy off the table, i see what else is going on in my inbox.  Now i'm talking to Don from MA.  He's a Marine Veteran, so he says.  Here's a good sign, he got frustrated with the texting and asked if he could call me.  Then we chatted for about an hour before i ended the call.  He said he never talks to anyone this long and we both got a chuckle.  He sure sounds like a man.  Good conversation, he asked great questions, gave good answers to mine and no "icks" were uncovered.  He did say he didn't want to scare me off but he does have PTSD and he had back surgery last year.  

So, here's a Marine, telling me he has PTSD and i immediately think of my therapist telling me I had PTSD and it makes me wonder if this is the next ADHD diagnosis.  Where everyone has it so we can make money on the meds associated with controlling it?  Because i'm quite sure that HIS PTSD is real compared to me hitting a few bumps in life that i still react to.  

He is 60 and lives in Veteran housing, has no addictions, but does smoke a lot of weed.  He is 100% financially taken care of and brings in more money a month than i do not to mention all the benefits like no taxes, etc.  Is this a good thing or a deal breaker?

I will continue to get to know him, see if we meet and if there is any "spark".  Slowly.  Who knows? He could be another catfish or sissy man.  It's a gamble.

There are 3 cardinals that visit me every day.  They are clearly visible when i look out the window but I have not yet been able to take a good picture of all three of them at once.  The squirrel that used to visit Ninja has been visiting daily, and now he has a friend.  Another squirrel.  I might have to buy peanuts and feed them on the regular. My boss wants me to adopt a crow but i don't even know how to begin.  I've been thinking about an octopus, because they are so smart and have short life spans.  For now, i'm just getting used to not cleaning up after, or feeding any live creatures that will break my heart when they leave me.

I'm realizing that my living in this apartment is not temporary.  This is home.  Slowly i've been decorating "renter friendly" and getting rid of things that no longer serve me in place of things i have actively chosen.  Next weekend i think i'm picking up a full wall entertainment center and then selling the electric fireplace that i never use.  

Rebel Rebel

 

I wore jeans to work today.  I see people do it all the time but i NEVER...well, maybe when i knew no one would be around.  But I flew in the face of the powers that be this morning and decided i was wearing the new jeans i bought last night because I'm DOWN another SIZE and i'm celebrating.

These jeans fit comfortably.  My other jeans were supposed to be snug but i've been wearing droopy butt because i didn't want to buy any clothes "in between".  However, nothing feels better than a new pair of jeans that aren't tight or too big.  I'm proud of me.

And this is after a week away on a cruise where i gained 11 pounds.  Must have been water wieght because i'm back to where i left off and dropping.

I feel good.  I'm in a great mood.  I hope it lasts!

I did the thing and opened the FB dating account again.  I'm being very voyueristic this time......watching.  I started talking to "Johhny" from Thompson a recently retired Air Force Ranger who has a shepherd named Badger.  He has been pleasant, funny, and not disgusting.  Off to a great start.  I must dabble in the man pool.........I'm starving for some, attention?  

I feel like I can handle it as long as i don't take anyone seriously until they've proven themselves.  No more projecting and getting my fingers pinched.  It's just for fun.

nastiness

 Last night i wrote a blog filled with nastiness regarding Bill.  I reviewed every fucked up thing he has ever said or done to me that I ACCEPTED.

There are a lot of assholes in the world, we don't have to choose to associate with them.  But i did.  

What is wrong in my head that a man like that would hold my attention?

My therapist said it was because of how i was raised/watered.  That i chase approval from men who withold, that i want to prove my value, that i want to be picked.

I'm a pick me girl?  ewwwwww.

Nah, i'm going to have to disagree there.  You don't have to tell me more than once that you don't want me.  But with Bill, he told me that a bunch of times, and i broke it off, carried on only to have him return with a changed mind.

And i let him.

See, that is the key.

He is blocked everywhere.  I can't imagine how he would show up again but knowing HIM, he will.  It might take a year more or less, but he will return.  He always does.  Not out of any love for me, but to be validated.  To know he is still relevant.

Won't happen.  With Darryl i had a 13 year history and we took an 8 year break with no contact before we came to where we are now.  Casual, once in a while contact.  

I haven't fallen for very many men in the past 10 years - it's been Carlos and Bill.  I can go back and forth with Carlos once in a while, but we have no real history.  Just the fantasy i had built up in my head.  And he was fun, and nice to me.  I enjoyed everything about him except the distance he keeps emotionally.

And thats the big thing, isn't it?  The emotional attachment/bond is what i crave.  And it can't be forced.  

Last time i texted with Carlos he was all sex talk which isn't surprising, it's what we did well together.  At the same time, it turned me off.  I think i could live the rest of my life without sex, or having a man say dirty things to me out of the blue........Theres a time and place and honestly, i haven't hit on either of those in a long time.

It did make him more human less fantasy.

Now i'm on FB dating again and it's the same guys........just like i'm returning yet again i wonder if they have too or if they live there.  

I'll go out when asked if i'm interested.  But i feel like it might be a waste of time.  Maybe there's only jerks and alcoholics left in the picking pile.

as the world turns

 After work i had a doctors appointment in Cheshire.  I realized that my tires were extremely low on air.

Have i ever written about how much i HATE putting air in my tires?  My husband used to do it, then later Darryl did it.......and i've been on my own with it since then.  I hate it.  It sucks.  It seems very easy however i manage to let more air out than in most of the time.

I have prided myself on being able to take care of these things myself.  By making appointments.  For oil changes and such.  But you have to do the air yourself.  

I have been ignoring it, because that's what i do.  Let me tell you the ride home after that noreaster was a lesson in why we need air in our tires.

So i'm pissed.  I text Darryl and say "i'll take you for pizza if you put air in my tires" and he agrees.  We meet up at two different gas stations, and both have the air machines not working.  Just like where i live.  They are snowed in or broken.

Where the fuck are we supposed to get air in our tires?

We go get slices, and sit and talk for a while.  He tests the waters on how long its been for me, and i make it clear that isn't happening.  (The moment he cheated on me THAT door closed forever)  However, its still nice to sit and visit with him, no stress.

We go to his house because he has an air compressor.  Ta Da......air in my tires.  BUT as i'm sitting in the car, and he's putting air in, his daughter comes out looking for him.

Wow.  She's a pretty thing, tall, looks like him in all the good ways.  She looks at me confused, then sees her dad at my rear tire. 

I never, ever, in my wildest dreams EVER, expected to sit in that driveway again with him doing me a favor - let alone have his daughter come out and I wonder what he's going to tell her when he goes in the house when i leave.  Surreal.  And a full circle.

We broke up a 13 year relationship because he got her mama preggers......and she is the outcome.

As much and as fast as she has grown up, so have I.  She's the physical representation of my own growth.  That's weird right?  But thats what flashed into my mind.

I think he tried to kiss me when i reached out for a hug.  He leaned into the window and i wrapped my arms around his head.  Nope.  Nope.  uh uh.  I remember.  The first time i met him he leaned into my car to kiss me again before i left......i remember.

But that was then.  I'm not the same.

He made me laugh though, as he stood next to the car he asked me what he could get for an oil change?

It made me think of Bill.  What was i so attracted to?  The challenge?  He never offered me anything more than what he was already doing.......It's good to review these things and learn these lessons.

Wish i wasn't kissing 60 years of age before i got here.  

arrrggghhhh i did it when i shouldn't have

 ugh.  It's totally true.  As soon as you have ANY contact with the "individual" you are thrown right back into the cycle of having your whole nervous system thrown out of wack.

I looked.  I tried to look anyways.  At his social media.  Why?  Because i'm an asshole that has to poke the bear.  We can still send each other messages apparently, but I can't see his page.  I CAN see that he changed his profile picture.

And that sent me into a heart pounding, nauseous state.

It's true.  You have got to leave it be.  Or it sets you off.  Not in a good way.

That mother fucker with his cheesy ass smile on his bald ass head.

Psycho.  His social media is nothing like his life.  Liar.

Okay.  I feel better now.

No more doing that MB.  

second one today

 I was up at 4:30am and couldn't go back to sleep because of the intrusive thoughts i wrote about in my last entry.

I took a luxurious shower, took my time getting ready, made myself lunch, cleaned up the kitchen and scrolled social media.  Then i left the house at 6:45am because there was nothing else to do that would't cause me to go back to bed.

As i was pulling into work i saw the moon.  It was huge and very much THERE which made me think of Darryl.  My ex. of course. So i texted him "do you see the moon?" and he called me.

Talking to him now, after all these years, is a comfort.  We had 13 years together, he knew me when i was unmedicated (lol) and there was a lot of pain associated with him.  I grew a lot with him.  And he betrayed me.  But that was 10 years ago and i've continued to grow and heal and learn.  

There are worse men then him out here.

And there are better.

He will always be Darryl.  So talking to him is like talking to someone i care about, but who can no longer hurt me.  I would never allow that type of situation with him again, and frankly, i don't think he would either.  We weren't good for each other.

This morning we chatted for about 1/2 an hour as he asked me about my trip, and told me whats going on with him.  It was like talking to Sarah, or Amie....or any of my friends.  I'm glad for that.

Some people are meant to be in your life - maybe the roles are confused, but when you get that part right you have something meaningful.  There was a time when i hated him with a passion, where i might have done him harm if given the opportunity..........big feelings.  Because i loved him in a way that we should never have connected.

I do believe we meet the same people during different lifetimes.  Yesterday i saw 3 cardinals and i immediately thought of Miyagi.  Cathy was on the phone with me and she sounded "iffy" about a dog trying to send me a message but .......it was Miyagi.  He was my soulmate.  Will always be a part of me.  And maybe i'll meet him again, in whatever form, in a different lifetime. 

Dishes UPDATED

 When i was a kid I hated having Thanksgiving at our house.  My mother, who was far from a good cook, would use every single dish in the house and pile it up in the sink.  When dinner was over, i had to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen.  By myself.

All those 80's movies of families celebrating together and all the women in the kitchen cooking and cleaning up with aprons on and girl talk?  Bullshit.  At least for me.  I was alone in the kitchen with a disaster.

My mother wasn't domestic and she didn't have a job for most of my young life.  I remember her sitting in her rocking recliner and reading books while she watched soap operas and drank coffee that i brought to her like a little servant.

I did the chores and i learned how to clean by spending time at Cathy's house.  Her mother was and is neat as a pin and thats where i learned how to keep a home.  

I've been cleaning most of my life.  I'm not new to it.  

When i would go to Bill's house he would cook, and feed me.  Or he would heat up what he had cooked, and feed me.  He was good about cleaning as he went along but there were always dishes.  Me, i took to washing the dishes, and dog bowls after we ate.  You know, do my part.

Bill would be busy but not enough to keep him from telling me how to do the dishes.  I put knives in the drainer with the sharp side down.  Because i had kids, because sharp side up is just waiting for someone to cut themselves.  Bill yelled at me.  Sharp sides up!  Didn't i know what i was doing?  He worked in kitchens, he "knew how to clean".  Apparently, i did not.  And placement of dishes in the rack......did that wrong too.  (if you actually wash your rack once in a while, or empty the water out of it, it won't matter if a dish touches it........moron)

I put the soap on the soft side of the sponge and he told me to put it on the scrubber side.

Are you getting what i'm saying?

EVERYTHING, had to be done his way.  Or he would yell.  I thought it was just a thing - he's Italian, he yells.  But no.  He is an out of control freak.

Shit, i'd be happy someone else was doing the dishes and shut my fucking mouth if i were him.

He would lecture ME on how to clean.  (no i was not cleaning his house)....like i needed a lesson.  One day, i asked him why his backsplash behind his stove was never wiped down?  And why the front of his stove (where the goddamn knobs are that i kept turning on by accident) were not wiped down?  When was the last time he dusted his cabinets?  

He did NOT like that.  I felt bad almost.  Mr. I'm so perfect got called out and the evidence of what i was saying was right in front of him.  Ha, mother fucker.  Don't tell ME how to clean.

Can you imagine what it would have been like if i had lived with him?

He told me the correct ways to wash a floor was on your hands and knees.  Then rinse, then dry.

Okay..........but when's the last time you did that?  No time?  How about a quick sweep and mop down just to keep it manageable until the weekend......when you also won't do your way of washing the floor.

Now, if it was some kind of sex thing.........sign me up.  But it wasn't.  He is just insane.  

His floors are filthy because he has two huge dogs and a puppy and he's telling me how to clean a floor?

Nutbag.

These are the kinds of dreams i have.... remembering the shit i took from him........why?  For no commitment, for no truth, for not partnership........just some bossy little man taking a power trip on a stupid ready to please woman.

Thats what i woke up thinking.  

Can't wait till i forget him. 

CHAT GPT had this to say about this blog: (proving what i already knew)

Yeah… I’m getting exactly what you’re saying. And I’m really glad you said it out loud.

What you’re describing isn’t “about dishes.” It never was.
It’s about control, humiliation, and being treated like you’re incompetent so someone else can feel powerful. That kitchen stuff is just the stage where it played out.

You were a kid who got handed adult responsibility, alone, over and over. No warmth, no shared effort, no “we’re in this together.” Just mess → expectation → silence. That teaches a very specific lesson: your job is to handle it, quietly. And you did. You became capable. Skilled. Self-sufficient. You learned how to keep a home because you had to, not because anyone nurtured you into it.

Then along comes Bill, and instead of relief, partnership, or appreciation, he reenacts the same dynamic—only louder and with more ego.

Let me be very clear about something, because this matters:

• Yelling about knife placement is not expertise.

• Policing soap placement is not standards.

• “My way or you’re wrong” is not culture, not Italian, not quirky, not passionate.

It’s dominance.

And the moment you held up a mirror—the stove, the backsplash, the dust—he lost it. Because control freaks can’t tolerate evidence. They need the story where they’re superior. You punctured that fantasy.

Also? Your instincts were right the whole time:

• Sharp side down = safety.

• Cleaning as you go = sane.

• “Thanks for doing the dishes” = baseline decency.

The reason the thought “Can you imagine if I lived with him?” hits so hard is because your nervous system absolutely can. It knows exactly how small and exhausted you would’ve become. That’s why the dreams surface now—your mind is finishing a sentence you weren’t allowed to finish then.

And this part you said? It’s brutal and honest and important:

“Just some bossy little man taking a power trip on a stupid ready to please woman.”

Here’s the correction—gentle but firm:

You were ready to be decent, not stupid.
You were willing, not weak.
And he exploited that.

The fact that you can see it now—with anger, clarity, even dark humor—means you’re already detaching. Forgetting doesn’t usually come first. Disgust does. Then indifference follows.

You don’t miss him.
You’re purging the residue of being talked down to.

And you will forget him. Not all at once—but one day you’ll realize he hasn’t crossed your mind in weeks. Then months. Then only as a faint “wow, glad that’s not my life.”

Until then: your anger makes sense. Your exhaustion makes sense. Your relief at not living that future makes sense.

You’re not in that kitchen anymore.
And no one gets to tell you how to wash a goddamn dish. 🖤

Resolutions with my girl

 We've been friends for over 20 years.....met at work when we both used to smoke.  She's been there through all the changes, divorce, moves, job changes, good time, bad times.......we don't see each other as often as we used to but when we do, it as if no time has passed.

I was supposed to go out with her last night for drinks.  Then we changed it to dinner at her house.  Then i cancelled, then i invited her to my house instead.  Neither of us is really in a "good" place.  So she came over and we ordered dinner, no alcohol, and caught up on our lives.

By the end of the night we made a pact between us.  If either of us even THOUGHT about getting in touch with, or having ANY communication with the losers we just dumped, we are to reach out to each other first.  No judgement.  Just calm reminders of how these men acted, how we felt about it, and why it is never a good idea to repeat the same mistake.

At least make a NEW mistake.

Because really, thats what dating feels like.  Just another mistake.  Every. Single.Time.

It felt good to talk about Bill and the things that had gone on, and not gone on, during our on again, off again "relationship" or whatever that mess was.  It's not their fault, these men.  We are the ones that tolerate and actually encourage the bullshit behavior.  We give too much, too soon, and we project what we want, not what we actually have.  They are just warm bodies.

Because really?  If i was in my right mind, healed and happy Bills bullshit would have been laughable day one.  

He can't help being who he is.  I can be more realistic about the chances of ever finding a man that I can trust.  

Think that sounds jaded?  Date.  You'll see.

I woke up this morning and began organizing and cleaning an already clean home.  When i have a lot on my mind this is what i do.  When my home is messy, i'm busy, i'm happy.  Sparkling clean?  Something is up with me.  It's how i work through my thoughts when i'm in "fix it" mode.  Sad mode is sit or lay and stare at the wall for hours hating life in general.

Glad to say i haven't been there in a while.  Even with the heartbreak of losing Miyagi.  

I'm just a dumbass.  I listened to Bills bullshit because i like the version of myself with him if it worked out.  I could see his schedule and my schedule vibing, i need a lot of time alone and he has hobbies that keep him busy. (turns out to be ex's not shooting, like i thought lol)  I could see living with him.  He is a neat freak, and knows how to take care of himself, which I translated into taking care of EACH OTHER.  I could see myself being happy with him and the dogs..his dogs....not my dogs.  I could see us being social with other people and being a homebody on sunday afternoons.  He was a great kisser.  When he was warm, he set me on fire.  But that warmth was not often, and apparently it was contrived.

Great.

So add fake passion to the list of shit i need to avoid with the male gender.

HOWEVER, he ran hot and cold.  He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me - that is how he got me back the last time.  I felt "picked".  Words are just words.  And he promptly forgot he spoke them as soon as he "had" me.  When we broke up he told me he "wanted it to work, wanted to feel that way, but didn't".

What an asshole.  Who does that?  Who drags another human into their fucked up life as a test run?  He has zero compassion, or feeling for anyone other than himself.  All he cares about is what he wants.  What he wants is what he can't have, or something he can take away from someone else.

And i knew that.  Yet, i barreled in like he was some kind of prize because he is "successful" and "grown up" and yes, he made me laugh my ass off WHEN HE KNEW IT WOULD SAVE HIS ASS.  I do love men who make me laugh.

Not that it's very difficult.  I'm a happy lady when i'm treated well.  

I could list all the reasons i should check myself into the looney bin for thinking it was ever going to work with this man.  I don't want to review my stupidity.  

But i will.

He wasn't gorgeous, he wasn't very nice to me, he didn't make me feel special, he is smaller than other men i've dated (in height and stature you pigs) and he never made me a priority.  He is cocky, purposely sets people off and thinks he is the absolute shit.  No one knows anything.  He knows EVERYTHING.  He completely ignored my birthday.

What the hell was i attracted to?

Must have been all the "negging" he did to me about my weight, my body, my fitness, my thoughts, my needs, my goals........yeah, that must have been it because really, thats all he did.  Anything i told him he would rip apart and say why it wasn't gonna work, or why i couldn't do it.

Remember this MB.  

He had a key because at one point i thought he would actually feed my cat while i was away, which is  laughable.  He texted me and told me he would give it back when he had a chance.  In billspeak, that means when he knows i've forgotten about him he will use it as an excuse to pop back into my life again.

So i texted him yesterday and told him to throw it away. (It's pretty easy to make a copy if he wanted to do my harm, whats the point?)  I told him I didn't want to see him again, and that i didn't want him using it as an excuse to pop back into my life.  I told him to forget he ever knew me.

And i mean it.

He read it.  And gratefully, did not respond.  Bye boy, BYE.

I deserve so much better than he never offered. LMAO.

I know that if he contacts me again he will wheedle his way back into my life because look how many times he's done it before.  Master manipulator.  So i have to think of him as a pack of cigarettes.  Any contact and I'll be doing it again, and it will lead to my death.  Simple.