Names i've been called

When i was in the second grade my Teacher, Mrs. Friedman, called me "Bold".  I remember her face while she said this but not why.  It was not a compliment or meant to encourage.  Without knowing exactly what this meant, I felt the sting.

To this day i can't imagine what quiet, scared - fade into the background MB ever could have said or done to be considered "Bold".  I was a shadow girl, never looking to be the center of attention, always afraid of what someone might think of me.

As a grown woman, I own my boldness.  I glory in its presence.  Welcome, and may you never leave my side.

I've been called "Clutzy" "Chubby" "Awkward" by my mother as i was growing up.  Never "capable" for getting myself ready for school every morning during elementary school with no parent there to assist,  "smart" for reading and understanding everything i could lay my hands on, or  "beautiful"........because i was a child who needed her mother to think so.

As a grown woman I am "not athletic", "soft and curvy", and "introverted".  This is who I am, and I own it.  I glory in the truth of how I am me.  Welcome, and may you never leave my side.

I've been called "bitch" by men who were weak and threatened by my ability to see through their bullshit.  "Fucking Bitch" by the same men, who could not control me any longer.

I am a bitch.  I will continue to be a bitch, hopefully a  bigger and better bitch every day.

Recently, I've been called "Surly" and "passive aggressive" by a man at work who does not actually work with me.  I had previously held respect for this man, until his name calling made me realize his weakness, and his own inability to lead.  How enlightening, and disappointing coming an educated man.

I am "assertive" and "not afraid of conflict", which means, i will not sit silently by and be maligned.  Period.  Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, at home, in public and at work.  I was scared by them as a child, but I am no longer a child.  I am a grown woman.

I do not accept abuse quietly.  Never. Again.  Welcome, strong, opinionated and sometimes wrong woman.  May you never leave my side.

I've been called "cunt", "asshole", "Fat", "stupid", "crazy"........to my face.  I'm sure i've been called more behind my back.  I've earned a few, i've been unjustly accused of others.....I do not accept any as a self identifying characteristic.

I am a grown woman, who loves hard, who is afraid of trusting, who works hard, who is afraid of not being appreciated, who loves alone time, who is afraid of being alone.  I am lazy, yet driven.  I am many many things and I am not defined by what others call me.

I am Maribeth.  Welcome, may you never leave my side.

New Year New Me....LOL

Will there ever be a time of 100% satisfaction with my life?  If i'm happy with work, my personal life seems lacking.  When my personal life is full and happy, Work is giving me issues.  Is this just the way we go?  Always looking for the next situation that needs improving or expansion?

I'm doing the thing that I always thought would be the worst.  Living alone.  The thought always filled me with sadness, a certain desperation that anything would be better than being alone.  And then one day i realized i craved it, instead of fearing it.  I finally started learning instead of trying to assert my will on people to be what i needed and wanted them to be.  I started being the person i need most.  It hasn't been easy.  I'm a tough customer. 

In realizing that I needed to have my own space, where i answered to no-one but myself (and the landlord, bill collectors and employer) I literally felt a deep sadness in me release.  No more laying my needs at the feet of others to fulfill.  No more expectations of my happiness coming from another persons need of me, love of me, wanting of me.  I stood up and took it on, finally.  For so long others have been my backbone and my measure of self worth.  Not all have been worthy themselves, to hold this much power over my vision of self.  I made poor choices and good ones.  I learned hard lessons and grew solid and dependable relationships.  I learned that physically living alone in my own space does not mean being alone.  Early on I learned how living with someone can be the loneliest experience in life but i was missing the obvious other side to that truth; that living alone can be the fullest and most satisfying experience to have.

My space.  Only myself (and Miyagi) to consider.  Do i want a comfy reading chair in the kitchen?  Yes.  Yes i do.  Do i want fragile items in high traffic areas?  yes.  White fur (fake), flowers, all the colors of the rainbow and mismatched furniture and decorations that make perfect sense to me?  yes.  My own style of clutter and everything having its place.  My living space represents what is in my head, and heart.  It represents the small storm of chaos that still takes place in my mind, probably always will.  Because, that is who i am and how i live. 

I have no control over my dreams, so i flow with them now.  I no longer wake and become upset over what my mind seems to need to replay for me over and over....what message am i giving myself?  What am i supposed to be understanding?  The full moon corresponds with my dreams....leaving me a witness to them not a participant.  Why is he here with me, again?  Or any of the "he's" that have covered my past?  What message am i to understand now?

So much turbulence in my life and yet, never have i felt such calmness, peace.  Everything will happen as it should as long as i participate in the process.  my process. I am doing it, will continue to do it.