Would do it again

 This weekend.  Wooo.  

Friday night i drove to Milford to spend the weekend with my couple.  I went a day early to help set up, prepare food, help with all the things.  We had a few drinks, dinner, and then she and I crafted out little hearts out while he avoided our constant demands to get scissors or go get us icecream because we may have been a little bit high.

So instead we cut a center piece out of the apple cake and then pushed the two sides together and refrosted.......voila!  munchy snack for high girls and a still perfect cake.   She is brilliant.  

I love this group of people- mixed bag of nuts.  We met during covid online, used to have a much bigger group, people came and went, but we....we are the core. People I never would have met without the damned internet.  

So Saturday night we all 7 came together (missing one who was excused lol) and ate drank and made merry.  Very very merry.

Sunday morning I said my goodbyes and headed out on auto pilot.  Got all the was to Scarsdale new york before I realized I was going the wrong way.  It made for a very very long ride home.  But......no plans, so no big deal.  I really do need to pay better attention to directions.

After over 3 hours in the car, I decided to get fast food which I rarely do anymore.  As I'm sitting in the drive-through waiting my turn I hear a loud screech and then a man yelling obscenities.  I look to the side of me and see a woman with kids pulling her car into a spot and a man in a car blocking her in.  He was screaming and threatening and generally losing his mind.  She was smart and did not get out of the car.

Me, on the other hand........after looking around to see if someone is going to do something and seeing no one intervene ........I get out of my car and call over to him to leave her alone.  Just get in your car and leave.  You have lost your temper and you need to cool off.  Something to that effect, trying to de-escalate the situation.  He, then loses his shit on me.  Colorful directions.  I'm not the one.

So I tried again.  You leave or I call the cops.  He preferred the cops.  So I called and then he helpfully screamed his license plate number across the parking lot for me because he was an idiot and didn't leave when he was told to.  He stays until police pull in (Yay Newington because you guys got there lickety split) and THEN decides to leave.

I told you, Idiot.

Now there's a chase and he is cornered in the Home Depot lot.  By now, I've driven around and parked next to her.  Then a couple of officers come to talk to us.  Mind, you, I'm in sweats that need to be washed, no bra, no shower, and I've been in the car all damn morning........and I have to pee.

Of course they are both gorgeous.  W.T.F.  Ends up this guy has warrants on him in other towns so he's going to take a little ride.

What. a. shame.

Maybe I should have minded my business but I was by myself and I saw a woman with kids in the car and some crazy man blocking her in.  I could have just called the police, minded my business, and went on my way.  Honestly, I didn't think they would get there that fast.  Next, giving someone a chance to make a better choice is my way.  He chose wrong.  Some people just cannot stop themselves from taking their crap out on total strangers.

I remember a few years ago a man in traffic was losing his shit behind me, yelling, waving his arms....i knew I did nothing to ask for it because traffic was creeping.  Eventually we come to a red light and he is now next to me.  He's now giving me filthy looks so I rolled my window down and said "are you having a bad day?" not yelling, just asking, and I'll never forget the way his face changed.  Its like he re-adjusted and then he said, kinda like he was embarrassed, "yeah, I really am"....I said, "Tomorrow is another day man"  and he actually smiled!  I was shocked.  But I'll never forget it.

Do I go around trying to calm down pissed off men?  Hell no.  But when I see someone being harrassed, especially a woman with kids, especially by an irate male, I'm not standing by quiet.

Fuck that.

I wish we weren't so afraid.  And my adrenalin did kick in after the police came and I was out of protect mode.  I do realize it could have gotten worse.  But this is just a little no big deal incident in comparison to what goes on and people are too afraid to intervene.  For good reason.  

But imagine if on your worst day, you have had it, and you hate the world, if a stranger just saw you, and acknowledged that sometimes life sucks.  But it can get better.  What if someone sympathized.  Or empathized.  Just for a few seconds.  

What if more people felt seen and not so out of control.  What if people felt like we are in it together and not alone?  What if people made choices for the good of all and not just for personal benefit?  

I'm not stupid, not looking for trouble.  I'm scared of angry men.  But the day I back down to one is not coming soon.  And maybe I'll regret it, or maybe it's worth it in the big picture.  Because we ARE in this together.  And we need to make room for improvement.

Okay- that's my soapbox edition.  Have a safe day.  Make sure others do too.  

Not as easy as it once once

 Yesterday I took a class online that lasted all day.  While it went by fast, I enjoyed the topic, I was utterly exhausted by the end.  Zombie like.  My brain was full of new information trying to find a space to land and not be forgotten.

Back in the day, you sat in a lecture and took notes by hand.  Maybe you recorded the class on a tape recorder. (I did, and listened to it again and again driving in the car trying to imbed the information at least until the next test)  But now, you can take classes online that are recorded automatically and you can view them usually for a pretty long period of time.

I took a few notes by hand...can't teach an old dog new tricks.  But also I have a mistrust of technology ability to malfunction and an absolute trust of my ability to write down anything I find important to remember.

I'm on my way.  Work won't pay for the next 2 classes unless I go crying to my boss.  I feel like the hoops we had to jump through already were difficult enough and it might just be worth me paying for it myself.  While it directly affects my abilities and knowledge in this position, it also sets me up for retirement income........I'm not chancing it.

It's official.  I am a nerd.  I loved the class and can't wait to know it all inside out and around.  I will look back and say "I was 56 when I started this new endeavor and look at me now". 

Bike guy is still reaching out and this morning asked me if I was alright?  I'm absolutely all right.  Lets put it this way.  It's Thursday morning and he has not asked to see me this weekend yet.  (I already have plans because I don't wait to the last minute to arrange to see people I want to see)  IF he was truly interested, he would have made sure to make plans with me before now.

He doesn't have his shit together, and he thinks I don't know the game of putting people on hold as a back up.  I started to feel bad, like I should just send the text that cuts him loose from the game, but fuck that.  These guys aren't concerned about our feelings so why should I have any sympathy for him?  You want to hang around?  hang around.  I'm giving back the same energy you send my way.  Flaky and lukewarm.

Where is my man?  The one?  Perhaps not in this lifetime.  

From Meditations (Marcus Aurelius) Book 7 #43-  No chorus of lamentation, no hysterics.

My boring life

 

Last weekend i went on another date with captain excuses, and then sat back and read all his bs text messages.  The funny thing is, all I responded with were thumbs up emojis.  

Do men really think that "good morning beautiful" and "good night beautiful" is needed?  I find it annoying.  I find it trite.  I find it lazy and insincere.  I find it to be utter bullshit.  My female friends think I'm nutz on this point.   I don't need it, I don't want it.

I want a genuine text once in a while to let me know he has been reminded of me because of.....whatever.

There is a difference between routine and ....tradition?  Maybe that's the right word.

Routine is stupid texts that you send automatically because you "have to".  God forbid you miss a goodnight text.....all hell will break loose.  

Tradition is saying "I love you" before you hang up the phone, or when you part ways with a loved one. This may be the last time you speak.  Let those be the last words spoken.  Whether you are arguing, miffed, having a tough time at the moment......say "I love you".   I tell my family at every opportunity and many of my friends.  Not all are very comfortable with it, but I spread my love around like a warm blanket.  If I love you.  You are being told.

Take those plastic have to text messages and throw them out.  Be genuine.  Have real emotion. 

Oops off on a tangent.

This week I'm taking a coding class that my work paid for so I can revamp some important websites.  I will continue taking courses on my own because this is what I will be doing during my retirement to make money.  Database building, management and websites.  Remotely.  From wherever I please.

So that's a good start.

Friday i'm heading to Milford for the weekend to help my friends shop cook and prepare for our Shenanigans gathering Saturday night.  I've missed them since returning home from Florida and i'm glad they miss me too.  Saturday night I plan on partaking generously and cutting loose.  Laughter will cleanse my mind.

Then back to work, home, work, home.  I have this idea in my head to turn my apartment into a studio and use my bedroom as a walk-in closet.  Get rid of the dining room area that I have used twice in my 4 years of living there, move the living room furniture over and bring my bed out to where the living room was.  My best friend thinks it's a bad idea because "what if you have company".....I live here.  This is my living space.  I rarely have people over; if I do, and they can't see my bed, they shouldn't be here.  Anyways, I may do this.  It gives me some space to organize and clean out a lot of stuff while having the ability to close the door (not look at the mess).  I'm in a clean-it-out and let-it-all-go mood- I have too much stuff.  And if they raise my rent again next year like they did this year.......i will be moving.  I've thought about renting a room in someone's house.  It seems like there are a lot of people looking to houseshare with mortgages and rents being so damn high.  What more do I really need than a place to shower, and lay my head.  

The idea of living with someone else again gives me extreme anxiety.  People can be pigs.   But it's an alternative to living on the street or paying a ridiculous rental.  I'd rather have money in the bank than to keep throwing it at a sinking ship.

So, there's a lot of change and planning going through my head because time goes by fast and before you know it...........you're out of it.

Thanks for joining me on the thought process. 

my theory

 Once i started talking with my ex again, after years of having NOT spoken, all the "what if" wore off.  There are no more unanswered questions, no more romantic ideations of what could have been, no feelings of betrayal in my gut.

He's just him.  I will always have soft feelings for parts of him he shared with me, that don't fit the overall way he presents himself.  I like to think he grew into what a real relationship can potentially be with me.  He did turn me in, yes.  But that turned out to be the best thing for me, in the end. 

If I met him now, no, I wouldn't want to date him.  It's not only because he has a young child, but because in many ways HE is still a child.  I don't mean that in a derogatory way at all. He doesn't take care of himself. I sometimes wonder if he cares about himself at all. 

I can still care, have love for him, and genuinely not want to be with him.  The only reason I know this is because we came full circle.  There are no questions.  

That took forever!  And I'm lucky I had the closure because most times, there is none.

So I wonder, will the thought of Mr. Tattoo man every go away with no conclusion?  I mean there was  a definite conclusion on his part......he cut me out.  quite easily it seems.  

Will I ever date a new guy and NOT compare him to the man I felt utterly safe with from the moment I laid eyes on him?  I mean, I practically ran to get into that man's car on the first date and that never happens with me.  Hell no, I don't know you and what you might have in your vehicle.  But with him? I just sat my ass there like i knew him for years.  

That. is. insane.

And lets talk about my inability to keep my hands off of him.  Not that night, not any time i was in his presence (except the last when he kept 10 feet between us at all costs).  I had no control over it.  My hands just wandered to him like they had mind of their own.  traitors. 

why him?

Have I dated men with tats and soulful eyes before?  um....yeah.  That was my "type".......you know, the type I decided I needed to stay away from because my luck with the wilder ones isn't good.  And then I went to the nerdy white-collar guys........who turned out to be crazier than the wild ones.  At least the wild guys admit it. 

You want a twisted man?  He'll have a corporate job and wear a suit.  

He made me laugh.  He made me feel.  

I miss feeling.

I loved listening to him.  His voice.  What he said.  How he said it.  He is eloquent in a way that makes you feel pain, and then laughter within 2 breaths.  Extreme.  

And maybe that's my attraction?  The extremeness of him and his ability to carry it every day.

I was talking to my bestie about this new man on Saturday night and i told her i should probably just not date at all anymore.  I am literally obsessed with someone i only dated (touchy word there) briefly. No one else compares.

She told me that i fell hard and fast for him - and she knows me, all of the me - reasonable, not reasonable, fears, strengths, weaknesses....She's never seen me do this.  However, i never lost myself.  It almost felt like i found a missing piece. 

Stupid.  I keep trying to get him out of my system. Probably just because we ended so abruptly that i have built him up in my head.  But i remember how i felt around him.  I remember when i wasn't around him i wasn't worried.  I was able to just be myself until that last time when i asked too many questions and tried to make us real. 

So...................not real.  And not healthy for me to continue to obsess.  or sane.  I indulge myself sometimes.  Sue me. 

There isn't going to be any closure here.  I must accept that.  Got it?  ..............

Rinse, Repeat

 I tried to find a previous blog I had written so I could copy/paste but............

Another flake.

Not gonna rip him apart, I'll just say that he also shouldn't be dating at this point in his life until he gets his act together.  He can't make solid plans, he has excuses by the mile, and I don't care enough.  I'll leave it at that.  He continues to breadcrumb me with good morning and good night, with a bunch of plans that will not come to any fruition thrown in between.  This record has been worn out.

Much easier to have no hurt feelings when I haven't slept with him.  No physical imaginary bond.  

It's still disheartening, though, my own lack of enthusiasm or interest.

Men either hit me like a semi-truck or they illicit zero emotion from me at all.  Neither response is desired.

It's okay though, because winter is coming and the darkness comes with it.  I go to work, go home, go to work, go home.  Hibernation season is nearly upon us.  Thank the Gods.

I did think it would be nice to share the down time with someone I have fun with, but, it's just not in the cards.  I'm thinking "no" is the answer from now on when I get asked out.  Why bother repeating this same scenario over and over again?  I'm too alert to bullshit, have no patience with games / drama, and while I'm not perfect, these men are just.........lacking.  

I spent all those years being down on myself because I thought I was too much this, or not enough that, and the reality is, these guys that I come into contact with are just not up to MY standards.  They think money, or having things is all they need.  I don't need your things, don't want your money so....how about a sense of humor?  How about a generous soul?  How about taking care of yourself and where you live because you worked for it, and because you have some pride?  No one is coming to fix you.  You have to do it yourself.

Just don't fix yourself so much that no-one can get in.

oops. 

The crazy part

 I'm just going to say it.

I think this man may want to date me because he thinks i will move in to his home and help him pay his bills. There i said the nasty thought in my head. 

First.  Never going to happen.  I'm not moving in with anyone again.  Male, female, whatever.  I am a solo party.  And IF i ever changed my mind about that it would be after retirement.  I have to come first in my life right now and for a while.  I cannot depend on a man financially or i will fuck myself again.  

Second.  He hasn't even secured a second date with me yet so the above thought makes me officially crazy.

We talk consistently.  Phone, text....not hours but conversations.  Getting to know each other.  We are supposed to get together this weekend for a ride.  But as i said, no real plans have been made.

Today he says it's going to rain tomorrow, good day for staying in and watching movies.  (He has mentioned a few times that he wants to take friday off)

No thank you.

I know what that is.

Not interested in yet another "hang out and fuck" man. 

It's so hard for me not to instantly judge on what is probably an innocent comment but i've heard these comments before.  

I told him i work remotely on Friday and that it's not a day off for me.

And then "finances do not allow" him to take the day off....okay.  I know he depends on overtime, like a lot of people.  I wish i got overtime, but instead I got stability forcing me to live within my means with both feet in debt. 

Am i just in a pissy mood?  

I ordered ice cream to be delivered by Uber eats.  It's not here yet.  It could be i'm just being a bitch.

Or.  It could be that i've dated some pretty flaky men and i'm over this shit.  

Back to observing the behavior of the male species without verbalizing negativity with no cause.    Especially since we mean nothing to each other but a few combined hours of talk. 

He's probably bored or thinks i'm frigid since i refuse to have sexy talk.  Wait till he finds out i'm not sleeping with him any time soon.  HAAHAHAA yeah, i don't know why i bother either.

Is there a difference between Jaded and Cautious?

 I'm very reactionary.  This is something I own, and have learned to temper over the years.  But its there.  All. The.Time.

I don't make big decisions with my emotions anymore.  I have lost too much and learned too many lessons to allow my heart to lead me anywhere.  I feel like there's a literal judge in my head sitting there ready to pound the gavel into my head if I even TRY to lead with my heart.  Use your head is a constant mantra playing on repeat.

I'm scarred, like a whole lot of other people.  I've been abandoned by bio donors, used by people, abused by some, lied to, cheated on, taught that I am unworthy, unable, a lost cause.  And I've proven them all wrong instead of just growing up the way it's supposed to be done.  I've always been on the defense ready to prove that I am worthy.

And that has made me make mistakes I might not have otherwise made.  Regardless, choices I made came back and bit me in the ass.  My own doing.  No one broke my arm.  I could have made better choices.

I am determined to live a happy life.  I pursued this life with a "fuck you all" attitude and it hasn't been until very recent years that I've started pursuing it for ME, not in spite of others.

I'm rambling because there is a lot going on in my head.  

I don't trust anyone and I think that limits my ability to have a relationship.

Obviously some people aren't worthy of trust, but I have to believe that some are.  Not everyone is out to get one over on me.

Because I was the one that reached out to the last guy, kind of dropped into his lap, I already had an open heart.  I picked him.  I responded to him physically and emotionally with no reserve.  And I got my hand slapped.  Just because I was ready him, didn't mean he wanted me.  See? using my head.  I still chew on that......what did I do wrong?  what could I have done better?  why am I not enough?  But it comes down to the simple fact that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with what he has going on in his own head with his own judge.  

There doesn't need to be a bad guy in every story.

This new guy.  I don't know.  I am interested.  He checks all the "boxes".  He's got a spine, not a weeny, but seems kind.  Another one that doesn't smile easily. Hasn't grossed me out with sexual innuendo ...seems "normal".  

This morning he texts me that he finally had a peaceful night.

(((why wouldn't he have?)))

and I ask the question that comes to my mind, "Is your roommate your ex?"

I knew he had a roommate, I knew it was a she, and since we aren't on trial here I left it at that.  Until now.

yes, yes in fact they did date.

So.  I'm thrown back to my own breakup when I moved out of the only house I've ever felt like home in to come back a day later and find another woman's contacts and solution in the bathroom that I cleaned before I left.  That feeling.  I will never forget that feeling.

Is she me?

Reasonable thoughts.  It does seem messy.  unfinished.  

and I said that.  "That seems messy"

and he explained.  Not defensively, not toooo much, just matter of fact.  

Here's the quandry.  No one has a spotless life, everyone has baggage, and not everyone is honest about it.  But how do I know he's being honest?  I don't.

He doesn't deserve to be put on trial by a one date wonder.  And I don't deserve to be brought into any messiness with an ex, if there is any.  

So what do I do?  Ghost him?  back out? 

or just keep it in my head as a possible red flag and watch how he moves in his life as I get to know him.  Go slow.  Be aware.  

My first instinct was to cut him off.  Me being reactionary.  And maybe I'll find out that I should have.  But for now, I'm going to let this play out.

I love my peace.  I love my drama free life.  I'm in a good place.  I can't be afraid to engage with men because they aren't perfect because no one is perfect.  especially me.  I obviously want that connection, someone to belong to.  I just have to be cautious and not jaded. 

one more first date

 Went on a first date Saturday with L.  He decided to come to me rather than the original plan of me going to him (Old Saybrook I had every intention of taking a ride in my old hood) because I have a cold and he didn't want me to have to drive.

Chivalrous. Considerate.

We decided to meet at a place near me that has outdoor seating and is on the water.  I arrived first, early as usual, and got to pick the table.  He arrived on time.

Responsible.  Courteous.

I saw him arrive, with American flags waving off his motorcycle.

Patriotic, proud of it.

As he was walking up to the restaurant he texted me he was here.  I was watching him approach.  Now I know why men get there first.  I enjoyed watching him with him not knowing he was being watched.

Handsome, full head of hair, Not small, not large but bigger than me....

And then he arrived at my table.  I stood up, gave him a big hug that felt nice and he sat down, took off his sunglasses and I saw he has very pretty eyes.  This is important to me.  If I can't look him in the eye and find him attractive it won't work.

The conversation was as it has been...easy, sometimes light and sometimes deep.  We can talk politics without getting crazy - also important to me.  Its so unattractive when people announce "if you are this or if you are that keep scrolling" although it does call out red flags and do us all a favor.

I offered to go dutch, he said he had this, and he paid.  

Also important to me.  In a relationship I do not expect to have him pay for everything however in the beginning I am old fashioned and feel some kind of way when a man allows me to pay into a first date.  Can't help it.  I'm not looking for a free meal, or using them, it's more a traditional feeling for me.  It also shows he has a sense of self and doesn't feel bitter about taking the role of a man.  (In my view)

This is probably not a popular opinion, but it is MY feeling- I cannot have romantic feelings for a man who goes dutch with me on the first date- that is an instant friend zone situation.  I don't know why.  It just is.  Perhaps its because I don't feel taken care of which translates into "safe".  Its not about being entitled, I always make sure i have enough to cover the whole bill if needed, because i am already taking care of myself.  If I'm going to date a man I want to know we will take care of each other.  Rambling.

We decide to go sit by the water for a while and continue the date.  We talk easily, have comfortable silence, laugh, and then it's time to end the date because he has a reunion to go to.  He said he would rather skip the reunion and stay with me, which i thought was nice ...but obviously he should go.  He wanted to show me his bike and when we got to it he gave me a nice, natural kiss.  Then the kiss got a little hot and i started laughing because........parking lot.  He knows how to hold a woman.  I'll say that.

Time to go!  I have zero intention of sleeping with this man right away.  The last time i did that i had my ass handed to me.  It won't happen again.  I like him.  He's handsome, pleasant, not boring, not a want to be badass........seems like a good man.  Time will tell.  

Last night we discovered that our birthdays are 2 days apart making us both Capricorns. We both agreed that explains a lot regarding our easy flow and common interests that aren't so common.  

So lets see what happens.  I'm in no rush, wasn't looking per usual and he landed in my lap.  I see no red flags yet, but maybe he does! lol  

that feeling

 I'm getting that panic feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's not butterflies, or gas......or even the damn ozempic.  Anxiety? 

Have I said I hate dating?  And yet, dummy keeps doing it.  Deep breaths MB.  It's not like going to the gallows.

Saturday I meet this new guy.  Divorced twice, twin grown daughters, owns his home, has a good job, has a plan for retirement, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, drinks socially, owns a Harley, member of an MC that isn't 1% and looks good in his pictures.  Taller than me. I've talked to him several times and he has a nice voice, easy to talk with.

Maybe he will smell funny.  

I'm probably going to smell like Ben Gay.

But we're going to do this regardless, in the middle of the day because he doesn't want to wait and he has a reunion Saturday night.

Every time I do this I swear I won't do it again because honestly, I don't pick men very well.  I pick the ones that have so many issues they can't possibly be in a healthy relationship and lets not forget that I carry my own baggage with both hands. 

But.

Again I wasn't looking.  Last time I got my guts stomped on by a man who had no intention of getting involved and yet treated us like a relationship.  I ignored the red flags.  Who doesn't have some kind of issue or history at our age if we are both still single and doing luke warm dating when we forget how much it SUCKS.

But.  I will go, and I will have hope and one of us will get attached and the other won't.  And the cycle will continue because I can't seem to stop.

Speaking of cycles.  My ex did me a solid.  I like where we are, friendly, no angst or bitterness left on my part.  After spending that much time together it was very strange to not have him in my life.  It's nice to have occasional contact because like my friends, he does know me well.  

Also, someone I dated for about 6 months had a bad breakup and guess who's back viewing my social media pages ( never left).  Considering none of his exes survived him, literally, i'd say me and the new ex gf got away safely.  Don't mess around with men who think they are a bad ass.  Thats my advice. 

Maybe that's why I get this feeling in my gut.  Are there any good ones actually left?  And if he's not, will I see it?  And if I see it, will I ignore it?

Trust has to be with myself not to repeat the same patterns.  Yahoo.

Hope is interesting

 I gave up dating a while ago, met a man through a friend that I really started to care about and when that didn't work out, i promised myself i was done.

I'm happier alone.  I'm not waiting or wondering, getting excited or disappointed.  I do what i want, and for a while, who i wanted, with no strings.  That gets old fast.  For me, there needs to be more than just the physical act of sex.  It's not worth the effort just for a fling.

I had created a FB dating profile a ways back and never completed it, forgot about it.  Then a guy i had dated reached out to me and asked if i was in the game again?  He saw my profile.  So i went to delete it and thought.......i wonder.  I finished it and then went on vacation, forgetting about it again.

My focus as of late has been retirement and getting my kids to not put me in an asylum.  I have been looking at how much it will cost me to retire in Connecticut and there's no way i can do it here.  Housing alone I cannot afford, never mind on a fixed income, and i want to DO things i can't do with a full time job.  Like travel. 

My kids, and my friends think I'm insane and just talking bullshit, but i have been planning homelessness for the past few years.  I considered doing it while still employed full time, but the weather is a problem and i have my dog and cat to consider.  So i will hit the road in a built out van when i retire.  

Because that has its own expenses, i am currently getting certified in coding so i can work remotely when i want/need to.  I don't see me ever NOT working.  I will make more money doing that than i do right now and it won't all be going to utilities and rent.

I also have a wish list, game plan, whatever you want to call it.  I love libraries and i want to travel this county documenting them with pictures and their history.  I'm also becoming an Elks club member and i want to visit each club in each state.  Thats two books that probably only i will be interested in and that's just fine with me. The weather will determine where i am and if it gets bad, i just drive away until it's better.  My home will always be with me.  No packing.  No hotels with bedbugs arrrgghhh! 

I've been planning and getting excited about this and it never occurred to me that i wouldn't be doing it alone, or that anyone else would want to do it too. 

Back to the dating site.  I checked it and there were a lot of messages.......surprisingly.  One stood out- I liked his face and his profile.  We got to chatting, and its strange how easy it is.  We'll see what happens when we meet face to face.  

Anyway- we all know me and dating goes nowhere so I'm not holding my breath HOWEVER the conversation will be different than others I've had in the past because he also wants to travel the country during retirement, only in a toyhauler with a bike in the garage of it.....much more bougie than what i had in mind.

Imagine if we actually click?  It's too soon to think about that but it has put into my mind that retirement with someone might be nice.

Last night i dreamt about my ex husband and how he had redone the whole house we had bought and it was really nice and he said he did it all for me.  Then i felt trapped and was worried that i would have to stay with him and give up my whole life.  My ex bf was in the dream and he told me we couldn't talk anymore if i moved back "home" and i was aggravated because i just wanted to run away and forget both of them.

Hows that for interpreting my fuckedupedness?  

so lucky

Friend did NOT blow me off, and did in fact go check on my kitty while I was away.  Words from my previous blog, eaten.  I was wrong.

Good thing too because we extended our stay in Florida, totaling 9 days away!  It rained quite a bit so not every day was spent on the beach but we managed to get our time in.  We even got a couple of hours in at the Nudie Beach before the skies turned black and the thunder chased us off the beach.  The waves were incredible.  This time, I was smart and stayed out of the water and did NOT almost drown in the nude.  Although, it would be exactly how I entered this world, it's not how I want to leave it.

I love New Smyrna Beach and the friends that invited me to go with them and stay at their home for a second year.  I was sad to leave.  Usually after a few days with someone i'm ready for some alone time but we three vibe so well and naturally that not once did I feel stressed out.  I hope it was the same for them.  They are so generous and laid back.  They've already invited me again for next year!

We spent time on the beach, rented a boat for the day, went shopping, had a bar crawl night, and they treated me to The Garlic which is my most favorite restaurant.  We had ice cream at a Dairy Queen built in the 1950's (several times) and took rides around Daytona and surrounding towns doing some site seeing aka looking at rich people homes.  

I slept like a baby every night and woke up refreshed and ready to go - coffee was always ready for a pour.  We drank.  A lot.  And gummied.  A lot.  I lathered on Ben Gay and tried to keep up with the youngsters.  I felt completely taken care of, not in a charity way, but a family way.

Miyagi basked in the air conditioning while we were at the beach but he came with us out and about.  He wasn't too sure about the yard and was NOT impressed with the beach at all.