Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Every morning i wake up and feel the growth of brand new hairs on my chin. This is part of the aging process.  Why, after all these years, would i need hair on my chin?  What part of evolution is this?  The hormones? Is this where my bigger balls are coming from? The testosterone coursing through my aging body wasting time on growing hair.  ON MY CHIN. Because aging isn't fun enough. Add to that little surprise bursts of pure anger when a thought crosses my mind concerning Mr. Cigar over the past year.  Not at him. At myself.  He IS all the things i think he is, and he DID do the despicable disrespectful things that he did..........but it was ME that continued to allow his con artist ass back in. Repeatedly. And that gets my panties in a bunch because i thought i was in a better place.   Maybe its better because i kept running from him, but i also returned.  Maybe it's better because i dealt in reality and tried to talk myself into "no ...

 ugh. I want to have fun so bad.  Good, honest, adult fun with no bullshit games. Considering i want that fun with an adult male...........that may be very wishful thinking. Mr. A got "stuck at work" and "didn't want to rush" and "wanted to spend a good amount of time" with me. Yeah?  Well, you should have planned better love. We made plans years ago to meet and didn't because you "got sick" and now, you came around looking for another chance and..........i GAVE IT TO YOU and you "had to work late". Next. I'm sorry, my tolerance is at zero.   Plus, it's a relief.  No having to respond to texts take phone calls and listen to bullshit from a male mouth. Stress free.   Just me and Koda.  And vacation around the corner.   OH! and the crazy part is a man i went out a few times with in 2018 contacted me yesterday for the strangest (short, thanks to me) conversation.......he wanted to reconnect also, What the fuck.  No.  No mor...

 last night i had a dream that Mr. Cigar was back in my life, and he had hair. I kept looking at him, wondering what was different?  And then it occurred to me, the man has hair.   No we weren't together, but he thought we were.  I felt disinterest.  And curious about what had changed. What a weird dream. Been thinking about Mr. Tatoo and how we met, our short interaction, the ongoing affection that went one way.......I may be in the same situation again, depending. Meeting Mr.A tonight.  We've been talking for a couple of weeks, and we used to talk a lot more years ago, during the pandemic.  I "met" a lot of people on line then, like a lot of other people did.  We were supposed to meet, but never did.  I think i thought he was married.  Or I had someone i was seeing, it could have been anything  But he wasn't blocked. He found me on Tik Tok, probably by accident? I'm not sure, but it's also not the first time this has happened...

 I was annoyed Sunday night when we had to leave the casino two songs in to the second band.  I love going to see Dirt, but i also wanted to see the next band Devils Hopyard.  I think i'll start driving myself to see live music.  I don't want to leave until i've seen it all.  We drove an hour to watch an hour to drive another hour home.  I think i took an hour to get ready.  Booo. But it was still fun.   I think Doug and Jen want me to be with Ed, but Ed and I are not at the same place in life.  He's retiring in August, and is ready to travel and go do stuff.  I have a long way to go before retirement.  He wants to move down south. I won't leave being close to my grandchildren and children.  I hardly see them but when they do invite me I can be there. Down south is for vacation.  Even if i hate snow, i'm a new england girl born and raised.  This is my home. When i retire and live in a van, this will still be my h...

 Blocked Mr Cigar on Friday.  Everywhere.  Done. It's not flattering to have a man completely shitfaced calling me while he's DRIVING trying to tell me that i want him.  No.  Actually.  I do not. And if THAT situation wasn't enough, his GF sent me pictures of the aftermath.  He projectile vomited literally all over the house. Who does that?  That was done on purpose.  And she cleaned it up.  Spent all night doing it while she texted with me.  The man couldn't stand when he pretty much crawled into the house. That is disgusting behavior.  Me? I would have grabbed my shit and left.  No WAY would i be taking care of his mess and his animals. It's been very enlightening talking with Mary.  We've been filling in the blanks as it were.  I don't need to know, but it's very helpful in supporting my self control.  He is not a nice man.  He can be, when he turns it on, but so can serial killers.  Found out c...

 I went from ending this years program to finishing up another important program that needs to be completed before fiscal year end.  I had 2 days notice.  I've been busy. Between that, working with Kevin to get it completed and moving one boss into another office in a different building, clearing out his part of his current office and then setting up my new bosses office.......it's been a busy week. No i did not expect to be doing any of this again.  HOWEVER, i'm getting what i want.  I work remotely 2 days a week, and the price i pay for that is flexibility.  I do what needs to be done.  I'm the go to, the one that when they don't know what to do, i find out.   Mind you, all providers, in other words, Doctors.   I run with wolves. and so far, hold my own.  The right amount of respect, balanced with my sense of humor and ability to get shit done that they can't be bothered with. Got my raise.  eh.   Yesterday whi...

 Having a puppy is definitely like having an infant, except puppies are mobile.  Constantly.  Potty training is a nightmare so far.  He piddles everywhere and because he is so close to the ground i don't know if he's peeing or just standing there until he walks away and "whoops there it is".......ughhhhh Everyone has advice.  Yesterday when i arrived home he greeted me at the door.  How?  Because he had busted out of the gate i had up blocking him into the very pee proof and puppy safe kitchen.  I hadn't locked the latch and this puppy figured it out. Smart ass. So today, i made sure it was latched and locked.  If he is anything like Miyagi, he will literally crawl over the top of the gate and drop himself over to freedom.  If he DOES do that, he has earned it.  I'm more worried about his safety than my floors.  Floors can be cleaned.  OVER AND OVER again.   We've been working on the biting.  I take his coll...

 Back to the office today.  Leaving Koda "locked up" in the kitchen broke my heart.  His favorite place is in front of the sliding glass doors in the living room.  He can't even see that from the kitchen.  He screamed, and screamed, and my soft heart wanted to let him out but he doesn't have a crate and it's not safe for a puppy to roam the house while no one is there to monitor him. So scream he shall, until he stops.   This is the first time letting him be unhappy......booo. No LIKE. It may explain the mood i'm in.  I can't care about anything involving men, or the potential of them being around me, or not.  I don't care.  It's nothing but work and disapointment. And yet i keep interacting. What if I just don't? I have to tell this new guy that now is not the time.  I'm just not ready to date, or kiss, or even THINK about being involved with another man while i still have the dust unsettled from Mr. Cigar. I did text with Mr. Ciga...

 I have never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 years old when we found each other.   Koda is a baby. I have barely left the house since his arrival.  My whole world has been about him. And work.  I was approved to work remotely 2 days a week leaving me 4 days at home with him each week. I haven't yet found out what the 3 days alone will be like for him.   In other news...... Mr. Saybrook is back with a vengeance, stalking my social media pages.......asking me to go for a ride along the shore.....trying to bait me.  Another player.  Another womanizer who can't be honest about what he is looking for.  The last i knew he was madly in love (according to facebook) and now......he's after me again.  Not because he wants me.  Because he wants ANYONE.  He was always a flake.  I don't answer him. An interesting development from the past....I used to run a very popular room on KIK during covid.  If it had been a bar, or a r...

 Jennifer is bringing me a puppy today.  He was left on her co-workers doorstep along with 3 siblings, way too early to be taken from their mama.  She brought them to the vet, bottle fed them and gave them away when they started to eat puppy food.  This little man decided he wanted the bottle for an extra week so he was the only one left.  He has been dewormed (something i never knew had to happen) and has gotten his clean bill of health as of yesterday.  Now he needs a name, which Jen and i will decide tonight.  We are co-parenting.  Poor Doug had a heart attack when he thought this little boy was coming to live at his house.   I'm not a fan of normal names.  Miyagi was named so because he had soulful eyes and a little white beard. He fit his name.  He was the bestest boy ever.  And now.......i'm going to do this again.  I've never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 when he came home with me.  They are placing this...

 Last night i was sewing a cloth and bag for my cards and STRENGTH kept popping out of the deck. I hear you.  I got it.  I understand. The strange part is i can look at his picture and still feel love. I feel love for the feelings he evoked in me when he chose to.  And I also feel emotionally regulated now that I know it's done.  No more up and down, or having bombs thrown into my lap.  No more having to make difficult CONTRIVED choices.   I can breathe. I got a lot of work done yesterday and today I believe i will complete my project, on time.  I'm savouring it, not knowing if i'll ever be doing this particular program again.  I don't know what is coming down the pike at work, but i DO know I will roll with it for as long as it serves me. I've decided to stay where i am given that choice.  There is no need to pursue MORE work at this point in my life.  I'm on the downside.....not crawling to the top.  Effort should be put...

 As willing as i was, am, to investigate alternative lifestyles, i'm not willing to throw myself to the wolves. Through all my mistakes, i've grown and learned how to protect myself, how to take care of myself like the mother i never had. I still consider the feelings of others but no longer above my own needs. This experiment taught me that trusting myself is a good idea, that i will take care of me.  I requested counsel from 2 others that know me very well and they did not try to talk me out of anything yet they identified the pitfalls of what i was thinking about entering into: Could i bring Mr. Cigar around my family?  My co-workers? My friends?   Could i do the things i want to do after retirement with him? Could i have my grandchildren visit me if i lived with him? Could i make his home my home? Could i depend on him? Could i trust him? The question that stuck out to me the most was regarding my grandchildren.  The answer was no.  I wouldn't be a...

 My friend K came over last night to catch up.  I invited her because i wanted to pick her brain about poly relationships.  Talk to someone who lives it and get the real scoop. First we reviewed her breakup with her first, and only "primary" (i hate that term and everything it means) which we all knew had been coming for years.  It took her some time to see what we all were seeing, and it took her more time to end it after she accepted that he wasn't telling her the truth about a lot. And that sticks in my mind. This whole situation i'm in is because he was lying to both of us.  And i really feel it would be naive to think there were no other, ARE no other "friends" that also believe they are seeing him. He could be psychotic, and getting off on twirling up two women who love him.  Or he could be genuinely confused and trying to have it all.,....like anyone would want to.  Not all actually act on it. I think the important thing here is, again, not what...

 Yesterday i went out to my car for a half hour deep sleep nap at lunch.  I couldn't keep my eyes open, Sleep was horrible the night before.  My ELBOWS hurt, all my joints hurt.  so strange. After work i had every intention of eating and going to bed, but Mr. Cigar wanted to go out.  I went to his house for the first time since I left for my cruise in January.  I expected to see a lot of women things, but it was exactly the same.  When i asked him, he told me that she has nothing.  We took his ride and went out to "At the Corner" in Litchfield.  We had such a good time and on the way back we were listening to good music and chair dancing.   It never occurred to me to ask him if she knew we were going out. She had texted that she had gotten out of class early and was on her way home.  When we got there he kept trying to call her to come out so we could all go for a ride.  When she wouldn't answer i started getting a bad fee...

 I sometimes wish i could fast forward to the end of this story and see how it ends. Is it a drama, comedy, suspanse, ....true crime?  What genre does my current life fit into?   Rocky (my nickname for her) came over to my place yesterday.  She arrived at 1pm and left at 5:30pm.  Mr. Cigar left us alone until about 5 when he texted her to tell her he was feeding the dogs and to take her time. We talked.  and talked.  We got really mad at him and we laughed our asses off.  We told "our" side of his stories. We didn't trash him, but we did acknowledge he is not always a nice man.  Lots of reasons why, none of them valid in how he has treated both of us in the past.  I have no tolerance for things he has done to her, and she doesn't understandd why some things just don't bother me like they should. Nothing was answered by the time she left.  But at least we have hugged, laid eyes on each other and appear to have a lot in common as...

 This weekend has been a turning point i didn't see coming. Thats a lie.  Maybe i did know it wasn't going to continue on as it has been. Mr. Cigar made the leap.  Told her about me, that he doesn't want to give either one of us up, and wants to see it we can make it all together. I'm sure sex has it's role in there, knowing him.  I'm sure rental income also has it's place.   I don't know if it would be financially beneficial to me.   This thought pattern will be worked out.  I will be making no big moves until a year of success has been firmly placed under our belts. If we do this. He came over yesterday- it was pouring rain so no walk was going to happen.   I told him i felt ambushed. He reminded me that we've had these conversations over and over about non traditional relationships.  He did what he does, and bulldozed ahead because the opportunity arose.  I felt very unprepared for how and when he told me that conversat...

 Last night i went out to see a live band with Doug, Jen and Ed.  I told Bill i was going out with my friends, and asked him to join us. He said no, he had a competition to be at early Saturday morning. But he called me the afternoon and told me he had a really honest conversation with Mary and he told her about me.  Told her he wants us both. And she is apparently okay with it. I'm high.  I should mention that. THEN he told me how he had sex with her this morning. Because, you know, being honest. Several things.  I didn't feel jealous, but i did feel AGAIN like i was being faithful, passed up an opportunity and while i was passing it up, he was doing something he said he no longer had interest in with her anymore. And i bet she'll be sleeping with him tonight and not downstair anymore. I have so many mixed feelings.  And I'm high.  I passed up Ed last night because while he was drinking and intoxicated he decided to tell me all night that he wants to ...

 Normally, when a man expresses and opinion that i don't agree with, and actually feel quite strongly about......it will turn me off in a way that is not fixable. I have moments where i fall in love with people.  Weird little unsuspecting moments where its like being hit in the head and a light being shined on that person in that moment.  Not IN love, just ....love. I fell in love with Amie the weekend we got stuck on a mountain in an ice storm while we were peeing off the side of a frozen solid truck standing on frozen ground trying not to fall down and laughing our asses off.  Love. I fell in love with Josh when he gave a puppy mouth to mouth resusitation to save it's life.  Love. I fell in love with Mike during a friends camping trip when he took the blame and apologized for something he didn't do just to calm down a woman who was losing her shit and driving everyone crazy.  Love. Those are a few memorable moments.  And i will love them forever weth...

 This morning i was listening to a woman describe her first boyfriend experience, and how abusive and intense it was.  It was more about her than about him, which i appreciated.  I mean, unpopular opinion here but, it takes two.  One to give it and one to take it.  I'm not saying anyone deserves it, what i'm saying is that there are TWO people in that dynamic.  Sometimes it just takes a really long time to leave, or maybe you stay until the other person ends you.  I'm not heartless.  I'm a realist.  The day i let a man hit me in anger is the day that man learns not to hit me.  And the last time he sees me in person. So make it good.  No second chance here. I've stayed before, so i know of what i speak.  Last night Mr. Cigar told me i always go to the doomside of things, and never the positive. I told him that life has taught me to be prepared for the worst.  I have learned that lesson.  And until someone finally treat...

 Today i am struggling.  Since i found out in February that the SOM will no longer be financing it's portion of my salary due to changes they are making regarding the program i coordinate.....that has nothing to do with me, yet EVERYTHING to do with me........I've been on edge. Being at work and not knowing IF you have a job when the boss you were hired to work with on this program is retiring, or almost worse WHAT your job will become if you still have one.......is torture.  And "they" the powers that be,  don't seem to give it a second thought.  Just "you don't have to worry, you will have a job"......as if that is all i need to know. Would they come to work every day and give it their all if they didn't know what department they were working for or what their chain of command was?  And no one seemed to think it was very important? When outside companies come in, or when leadership begins to restructure, ambiguous positions at my level are not ...

 It's hot.  We knew it was coming and here it is.  Overnight we went from cool to roasting.  Welcome to new england. I slept like crap last night.  I wish i knew what the difference is.  What makes one nights sleep so sound and the other so restless?  Although, the sleep was so deep the other night i really had difficulty getting up and went back to bed and slept deeply for another hour.  I wondered if i had drugged myself somehow?   So it's hot and i'm bothered.  I haven't laid eyes on Mr. Cigar in over a week.  this is aggravating to me, however, i am aware that he is crawling with work and already getting ready for the next season.  Yesterday he was telling me about the salt they use (liquid) on commercial properties and how they are projecting a shortage....everywhere is a guessing game.  Buy a lot now and where do you store it?  Don't buy enough and possibly don't have access when you need it.....or pay out ...

 I had a spiral moment on my way home from the shenanigans gathering Saturday night.  I didn't like not being able to get in touch with Mr. Cigar.  All the "what if's" came in and filled up space in my thoughts.  What if i needed him?  What if he is sleeping with her?  What if he has taken her for a ride in his new fancy vehicle?  What if, what if, what if None or all of those things could be true.  And my question to myself is "how does that change your feelings about him?" It gives me pause.  But only pause.  I'm still in it.  But i need to ask myself, why.  I think she's in it to win, not because she loves him so much.  She gets a lot for very little in return.  And what does he get?  Company?  He says no. Her response to the new vehicle sitting in the driveway was "must be nice".........there was no ride apparently.  Of any kind.  BUT it's what he wanted, what he chose and he gets to live with ...

 Well, we all knew it would come to this. I had too much excitement today.  I went to my son and dil's baby shower and brought my two best friends, one silver and one gold...haha I got to see my whole family.  for a couple of hours.  I feel very ....old?  But also very grandma"ie".  Its worth the loneliness off my kids growing up and away when i get to see them sometimes and they give me grandbabies. Then i went to Dave's house for the Shenanigan + gathering which is always nice once i get there.  It's the getting there part that is hard.   Mr. Cigar bought a new Expedition today.  It would have been nice if i could have shared that, or anything with him.  Instead he is home with his "roommate" Okay lets be honest.  I'm spiraling, just like i was meant to.  This man came back to me full force (again), got me again, and began his withdrawal.  Here i go again, on my own......remember that song?   I thought i w...

 Jen thinks i'm uncontrollably attracted to Mr. Cigar because we play games.  He keeps me on my toes, we banter, we one up, it's a constant back and forth of the minds and the wills. He wins on the will.  I have none around him.  And i don't mind that one bit.   The mind though?  I know when someone is trying to take me down a peg or two- and i immediately throw the walls up because..well.....fuck you.  I've been at the bottom of other peoples list for most of my life, including my own.  If thats where anyone trys to put me, i am not interested in engaging. Mr. Cigar is wild.  It's what attracts me partially.  One thing that really pisses me off, with good reason, is that he never takes accountability until WAY after the fact.   I realize i'm getting his left over moments.  And i was/am okay with it due to me not having a lot of time to give to any man at this point.  So in a way, he is getting my left over momen...

 I know this is a bad way to shop, and i have fallen into the trap of "ooooh i want that and it's SO cheap".  Kinda like Walmart used to be.   I have been on a no shopping or impulse buying mission and most of the time I am able to control myself.  I go a little wild at the thrift stores though, sometimes spending a whopping $30 which to me, is excessive without purpose. Ha. That couch was a steal.  Best thing i ever purchased, aside from the $50 solid wood entertainment wall.  It has so much storage and shelving and fits my television perfectly.  Those things used to be thousands and i paid $50.  Score.   Anyways, i use my desk constantly and it's very crowded.  It also fits in the corner perfectly and anything else would be too large.  I've tried to figure out how to get more space and i've come to the conclusion that my monitor needs to be off the desk.  Enter temu.  $15 and now i will have added shelf space a...

 My brain is filled with how i'm going to pay for plane tickets to Florida and Utah this summer and still pay my rent and basic bills. The crunch is real. I make a more than decent wage, i cannot understand how someone who only feeds one person, pays rent and buys all her clothes second hand can't make ends meet.  I bought a couch for $100 and felt like i was spending $10,000.  I'm not cheap.  I'm terrified. One small mis-step and i lose the roof over my head.   At least i wouldn't have any bills then.  Well, i'd have my credit card bills but i could pay them all off with two paychecks. Isn't that fucked up? So the choice is try to stay safe and keep money (doesn't work) or live my life and be creative with how i manage my money and STILL have none........i'm gonna live.   It's scary and at the same time, it's still scary. Really deep diving into my tarot/astrology/numerology lately.  It's uncanny how spot on it is.  Yes, it's subco...