Nice evening

 I don't know what i'm supposed to say to one when i'm out with the other.  Do i have to say anything at all?  I mean, they both consistently text me in the evening...No.  I don't owe any explanations to anyone about my whereabouts.  Now i understand why men have been so vague with me in the past.  ahhh.

Plus, i shouldn't alway be so available.  Not that i want to play games, i don't.  But reality is that i am not always available so why make myself so available in the beginning?  So. Noted.

Part of me thinks the reason L stepped it up is because he knows i'm actively dating.  MM hasn't asked me and i haven't told him.  What i HAVE done is tell him i'm not looking to get serious too fast. 

I'm watching myself and don't want to become everything i've hated in men that i've dated.  At the same time, i think i'm finally catching on to how to do this.  Very lightly, very slowly, very laid back.....and let them come to me.

Anyways thats how it feels best.  Can't question interest if they are doing the chasing.

L came over and by the time he got to my place he was overheated and sweaty from sitting in traffic almost all the way here.  Over an hour, going about 1 mile an hour.  I saw relief on his face when he stepped inside to the coolness of my place.  Straight to the bathroom to clean up.  Then sat down with me on the couch where we talked and talked and talked.  Till i realized we were supposed to go out.  He said he wasn't hungry (also on the same med as me) and could we skip it?  The heat had wiped him out.  I was a little sad about no ride, HOWEVER, it gave us some good quality talking time in the comfort of my own home.  And some kissing.

I firmly believe that the way Mr. Cigar kissed me is what made me fall hard for him.  From that first kiss to the very last.....perfect.  His kissing was always outstanding.

L kisses differently, not so aggressively - a little tentative.  Understandable.  I mean, i don't want my face eaten off either...so it took us a little while to pick up a pattern, a beat to follow....but we got there.  And it became very nice.  Very very nice.

Everyone isn't going to kiss like Mr. Cigar, and everyone also isn't going to be a raging asshole like Mr. Cigar.  

We didn't take it any further than that really.  Both of us laughing, mostly me giggling.  "Clothes stay ON, i'm virginal" ....Hey, almost!  

There will be no sexy time with men i'm "dating".  That was a decision I made and i'm sticking to it.  Sex will include exclusivity.  Or they can keep trucking elsewhere.  I get attached when i get intimate like that.  So that is final. 

before i forget this thought

 it's nice not to be bombarded with calls all day, but instead to receive a few "hows your day" texts ...almost as if they are working also and have a little respect for my time too?

MM asked me to his place to meet his family, his 4 legged family, this weekend.  He wants to cook for me and he has a pool.  Now.  Do i want to get into a bathing suit with this man so early and terrify him with my cellulite?  Sure.  Why not.  He said i could bring Koda and that right there is the ticket to my saying absolutely.  Cooking for me?  I can bring my pup and not have to rush or feel bad? Score.

Then, L, followed up and asked if he could come out to me tonight instead of meeting up in the middle.  He's riding one of his bikes so you know i said yes.  BUT that means i want to go for an itty bitty ride because otherwise he's just teasing.  He said of course.  Then i suggested riding out to litchfield county where there is a really cool restaurant i like...... he said......

He will think about it.

Sigh.

If he only knew what that answer did to me.  I did NOT say 'yes daddy" because that would probably blow the whole thing up in our faces.

I guess i'm in a good mood.

No one better ruin it with talking about exclusivity.  I'm dating.  And i must say......so far i like it!

Isn't that special?

 dreamt about the church lady last night.......strange.

Maybe because I'm conflicted about talking to two men at the same time?  But i'm allowed.  It's okay.  I'm not swapping juices with anyone.  The nice thing is that its not entirely on one person, it's spread out so i actually am able to enjoy both without getting overly attached too soon.  I'm seeing how this works.  

No rush.  Just spend time and get to know each other.  Stand back and let them be who they are, show me how they act, and get passed the urgency of having to "be" with somone.  I've never felt more relaxed and honest.  

They are both easy to talk to, as it should be.  I'm keeping it nice and light.  Nothing heavy......actually both of them are telling me some pretty heavy stuff.  Whats that rule?  talk 30% of the time and let them do the rest.  It's more important to listen and see if they are interested in anything i have to say down the line.

Both are caring and attentive.  I nearly cut the tip of my finger off yesterday so my thumb is wrapped up like a cartoon because it won't stop bleeding.  Both showed concern and checked back later asking how it was doing.  Check.

Not that there is a literal check box.  

What do i want out of a relationship? To be seen, to be cared for, listened  to, confided in, known....and still loved.  I  want to have fun and feel safe and know that is my person in and out of each others presence.  Affection, physical and verbal.  Thoughfulness both appreciated and given. The ability to celebrate each other over big and small moments. Understanding. Peace. Safety.

Is that a list that is too long for one person?  

i wore white shorts

 was just thinking that although i have a little ways to go still before i am back to my "comfortable" wieght and size, i'm feeling pretty damn good in my skin again.  About time.

Even when asshole would make comments (about all women all the time) it wouldn't bother me aside from the audacity.  I feel good about myself, how i look, where i'm headed and how i FEEL.  Yesterday i did a yoga pose that is relatively easy and i used to do it all the time because it feel amazing.  For years i couldn't do it because my knees wouldn't tolerate it and i had a hard time getting back up.

Not anymore.  Yes, i creak, but i can DO IT again.  And it feels sooooo good.

I went to see MM's band play Saturday night with Cindy and I didn't feel shy to be seen. AND i wore white shorts....me.  on purpose.  White shows all the sins of a womans body.  I felt cute.  Thats my first sign with getting there.......dressing is so much easier.  Shoes, not so much.  I have been wearing heals but very tentatively because i walk like a trucker in heels.  Not really.  I just fall and break bones.

But not this summer.  I've been wearing platforms and sandals with a little heal and managing to NOT fall.  It' the strength in my legs and ankles that i've been working on, and the wieght loss helps.  And the confidence.  It's all about thinking you can, and then you actually do. 

In other words, patting self on back, i'm feeling awesome.

Do i have the body of a 20 year old? Hell no. That time is over.  Let the youngsters live their glory days.  I'm secure and don't need anyones attention but my man.....which i don't have, so even better.  They have a way of lifting you up, or taking you down a few pegs and i don't need either.

Speaking of.  Talking to two men is interesting.  Both are aware i'm not into sleeping with them yet and i'm taking things very slow.  One or both will lose interest and that will be fine.  Better to know.  OR one or both will actually like my company and getting to know me (more importantly me getting to know THEM).........and that will be glorious.  Or not.  There are a lot of men out there, and as i'm feeling better (i.e. slimmer) they are taking interest.  Fuck em.  I was the same wonderful woman i am now last year and the year before.  I know thats not a popular opinion, law of attraction and all that, but lets be honest, they are aging also and that hasn't deterred me from dating them.  

No more wounded men who haven't done the work to heal, or at least understand themselves.  I'm not a replacement for mommy trauma.  I have my own and manage not to torture them with it.

Little bit heated.  hmmm.  But L and MM have been treating me very well.  Its early.  Theres no competition, or camparision, i'm just living my life the way that feels right and good to me.

creative spurt and learning to date

 I purged all my "junk" again and managed to get my craft supplies organized.  I purchased a long thin table and put it next to my desk, where i work remotely 2 days a week.  I wanted a space to keep out my art supplies, and an area to work on things without having to clean it up or move it around so i could work.  Now i have my "work" area and my "art" area......My home is shaping up after doing one clean sweep and throwing a lot away that i haven't touched in years.

I have some cool plans on how to use my old childhood books.  Most i will give to the kids and they can decide what to do with them. (They asked me to NOT throw or give them away) Whatever they do will be fine.  BUT i kept 3 and i have big plans that i'm excited about.  Now that i have an area set up that i don't have to tear down constantly, i may actually complete these!!

So closets, dressers, corners and tops of things have all been blown through and cleaned out.  I'm feeling nice and calm but i'm still going to sage this place. AND i will be doing a banishing spell for THAT man later this afternoon.  I don't want to wait for another full moon and i just missed this one.  If i have to, i'll just do it again!!

No, i'm not "woowoo" but i do believe in the power of intention and anything that helps me solidify my cutting ties with Mr. Cigar, i am doing.  I must remind myself that man got himself arrested and then instead of being embarrassed over his OWN behavior he got pissed at everyone else, and even tried to insinuate it was partially MY fault!  GTFO loser.  That was the final straw.  

The man i went riding with, L.....we have a bit of a history.  Dated him briefly 2 years ago, found out he is a womanizer (through that bullshit facebook page "are we dating the same guy") and cut him off abruptly and without ceremony.  He's tall, handsome, doesn't seem to have a temper although i'm sensing a general "woah is me" vibe going on with him.  He has a lot of miles though and rides the cadillac of Harleys and is good company......i feel safe on the bike with him. I've changed over the past couple of years and so i'm assuming has he.  I don't hold punches, i'm direct and i say whats on my mind most of the time.  I have nothing to lose.  He seems to appreciate that and has been very direct with me in turn.

We had decided to keep it at a "friendship" place due to all the surrounding complications going on with both of us. I'm not looking to tie down with the next guy so soon after this rollercoaster ride with Mr. Cigar.  The next relationship i get into must be purposeful and with someone who is appropriate, as unromantic as that sounds.

Meanwhile, enter Music Man....who does not hide his interest in me.  Is very frank, and upfront.  Met first time Friday night and had a really nice date in Middletown. No jumping my bones, but also no tearing up like a baby when he kissed me and i giggled. (I did accidentally make one man get teary because i giggled when he kissed me...........that was a NO GO)  It was a good vibe.  I enjoyed his company.

Last night I picked up Cindy and we drove out to Stamford to watch his band play.  He made no secret about being happy i was there, and even walked over to me while playing and did some very obvious flirting.  It wasn't pissing on a tree, but it was "she's with me" which i appreciated.   I do seem to get my attention.....He smiles genuinely, goofs around and has a lot of people who tell me what an outstanding guy he is.  How?  Because he introduced me to people, like literally brought them over to me during thier breaks......

So, very nice, fun, well liked - no drugs, doesn't drink, loves animals, no baby mamas lurking in the background........(for L either now that i think of it) and he likes me too. 

Two totally different men.  Last night on the way home L texted me and asked how my date went friday night.  I said i had fun.  Then he said he was thinking a lot about me.   I told him "you must be horny" to be funny and he got pretty serious.  Yes, of course, thats an always, but no.....that wasn't the main thought. 

Music Man asked me out for today, last night.  

I'm not going to see either of them today.  I've had enough men this weekend.  I'm finding that scarcity is attractive, both ways.  I don't need to stop seeing either one, or tell them i'm seeing anyone else.  I need to actually DATE them and get to know them slowly over time.  NOT sleep with them.  

I'm a grown up.  I can do whatever i want.  And i can take my sweet time doing it.

Musician Man otherwise known as MM

I know.

Another new one.

I actually get asked out pretty regularly, which makes me wonder why I don't say yes more often.  Maybe because it's too much work.  Or i'm not interested in the man who asks? Or they work with me?

There's usually a reason.

About a month ago i started talking to a man on facebook who has friends in common with me. He is a musician, plays bass and of course, is in a band.  He is 65 years old and still rocks out.  I didn't take the conversation too seriously but then he asked to meet me and i agreed.  That was a couple of weeks ago.  I cancelled on him the day before and told him i wasn't really mentally available for dating and i apologized.

He didn't go away.  Once in a while he'd send me a message, and i would answer and that would be it.  He didn't want me to forget him.

But i was focused on Bill.  I wasn't looking for another man or as Bill says "keeping one on back up"......like HE does.  I don't treat people like backup plans.  Its shitty.  And i had been clear with MM that i was "in it" with someone.

After the whole blow up with Bill, I thought about reaching out, but didn't.  I don't want to fill that empty space with a temporary high of attention from someone else.  I just want to get used to the fact that Bill is no longer in my life and that is the way it has be be for my happiness and mental health.  I deserve better.

MM reached out to me, and i responded.  Then i started thinking "why the hell don't i go out with a man who pursues me?  I'm single.  I HAVE been single, acting like i wasn't.  So......I asked HIM out.  And his answer was "Absafuckinlutely".

So tonight at some point we are going to meet up.  I'm thinking Middletown, by the river.  We talk our asses off so we can walk, be on the water, maybe get ice cream or whatever.  Relaxed.  No pressure.  Just meeting up.

I'm not feeling butterflies, my nervous system feels dead.  But from what hear, that's how normal people feel.  It's not him.  It's me not putting the cart before the horse.

65 is really pushing it for me.........but if I recall correctly, Mr. Tattoo is 65 now.  And he was the BEST lover i ever had.  So.  Ya never know.  Not that i'll be finding out too quickly.  

blocked

 I don't like doing it, because i like to know when crazy is stirring up again, but I did it anyways.

I blocked Mr. Cigar.  Everywhere.

Tomorrow I am casting a banishing spell to cut energetic ties between us, and i'm doing a cleansing ritual in my apartment.

Think what you will.  It works.

I'm taking full control and i'm removing him and his energy from my life.  I do not want him popping up again.

In the past, i've unblocked him and he has contacted me or vice versa and as soon as we talk, that's it, i'm in again.  I imagine it's like crack.  An addiction, an obsession, whatever it is, very unhealthy.

One year is more than enough time to waste on any man that doesn't bring peace to my life.  Bye Bill.  Byyeeeee.

Wish i could say it was nice knowing you.

Nice to be back

 Last Saturday i went for an all day ride with L.  We had dated briefly a couple of years ago, went on a nice ride on his bike during a rainy day on the shoreline (which was a lot nicer than i expected) last year and when he reached out again recently I was all about going for another nice ride.

He is tall, handsome, checks all the boxes and most importantly has a lot of miles on his ride .....but i don't see it being anything more than riding companions once in a while.  He is a little flakey.  But i'm safe with him.  

We got together to go for a ride and to compare stories of our crazy love lives.  I won't go into his business, or write too much about Mr. Cigars drama life......but they are kinda similar, only flipped.  L had his "roommate" arrested, and Mr. Cigars "roommate" had him arrested.

Thats where the similarities end.

And yes, i totally lied to Mr. Cigar about my whereabouts last Saturday because I don't owe him any information about my personal life.  Do i feel bad that I lied to him?  No.  Thats our environment and HE created it.  I felt bad that i DIDN'T feel bad.  Hear the doom toll ringing?

I can't remember what i've written about where he is concerned but it's over.  Again.  And this time i told Sarah everything and she told me if i ever speak to him again she is going to tell Cathy and they will hold an intervention.  

I wonder if i can get sent away to a spa?

Probably not.

Anyways.  It ended the way it always does.  He says something, i call him on it, he gets angry and threatens, i still call him on it, and he breaks up with me over text in a cruel and uncaring way.  Per usual.  For someone who calls me predictable......he would know.  

This time, what i'm truly believing is the last time, I felt nothing but relief.  I've been in a relationship with him and it's been one sided.  Now we are even.  We are both free to pursue our lives without each other, and for ME, thats a blessing.  I'm not mad, i'm relieved.  I was mad.  I was insulted.  But isn't that the norm with him?  

His arrest is what really put a bad taste in my mouth.  I know she's crazy and vindictive but he pushed her.  He put his hands on her and she told him she was going to ruin his life.......and so far she is doing an excellent job.  Because it was a domestic arrest he had to turn in all his guns, and that means no more competitive shooting......His life is pretty much on hold an in ruins. And he did it to himself.  He hollered at me when he was yet again talking about what assholes the police where and how she should have also been arrested, and all his rhetoric about the state being liberal and him being a successful white man......the more i listened to him the more i disliked him.  I said AGAIN, well you put your hands on her.  The arrest wasnt' personal.  The state doesn't care about the details of you lovelife.  And he lost his mind on me.  

Poooor Mr. Cigar.  

Constantly makes his own bed but can't sleep in it.

It's been days since i heard from him and as far as i'm concerned that is the blessing in my life.  I won't block him again.....yet.  But i also won't go through this nonsense again.  What more do i need to know?  He got arrested and still can't take accountability for his actions.  What i know is that i don't want to be part of it.  That's way too low for me.  Thank you.

Yesterday it was storming and i stayed home and spent the day purging my apartment doing the Swedish Death Cleaning.  It's time for me to get rid of stuff i've been dragging around so i can make peaceful space in my life.  Both physicaly and mentally.  It's time for a serious cleansing and reset.  I went so crazy that I have no idea where i put my toothpaste.....which i found out this morning.  

Maybe i better take it a little easy.  LOL

transitioning

 

I feel a shift occuring where i'm noticing my own behavior rather than "his".

So much has been happening, that rollercoaster ride i never wanted to get on but completely did.  Hell i pushed my way to the front of the line knowing i hate rollercoaster rides........

This morning his first text was a picture of his ex, laughing because she is coming up in his "possible friends" list telling me he has her blocked.  Not good morning.  Just a picture of her and a transparent lie.....so i took some time to respond because, you know, having feelings is "crazy".

he of course doesn't take accountability, just puts it back on me for "starting this shit so early".....which i find kind of funny and kind of sad.  Self centered much?  

Last text i sent him was "tell me more about your roommate who had you arrested".......and not a peep from him since.  That, will be considered a low blow and will be me being crazy.

Yet, it's true.

His screen shot of her face also showed his Pokes, messages waiting to be read and number of comments on a page i'm still blocked from.  Not a couple, lots and lots of activity.  Good for him.  He's got others he can obsess about his ex to.

Last night he yelled at me because i had apparently said "you put your hands on her, you deserved to be arrested" a total of 3  times, he was counting.  I was listening to him bitch about how he was treated by the police.  I told him again it wasn't personal, they were doing there job and he admitted to pushing her.  It doesn't matter that she ommitted her part....they have a job to do.  She didn't put her hands on him.  Thats why she didn't get arrested.

He could have walked away.  He didn't.  And now, he has a couple of months of fighting everyone in the system because he didn't deserve that.

difficulty regulating emotions under stress

externalizing blame

conflict escalating instead of de-escalating

believing consequences are mostly caused by other people

And he can't see it.

And i'm foolish.  And am finally seeing it.

Now all the other charges he's had throughout his life are coming out ......several DUI's, he's been arrested for domestic once before (both were).........lots of little tid bits he never mentioned because they didnt stay on his record.  The man has a shit ton of guns and a permit.  Which he now had to turn over because of this arrest.  And it's HER fault that he handed her the golden ticket to ruin his life, which she said she was going to do as she dialed 911.

Both of them are addicted to each other and to the toxic relationship that they find so exciting that they will ruin their lives over it.

So this morning, after reading Mr. Cigars text I felt a door slam shut.  Nooooo not the main door, i'm working my way down the hallway slamming doors left and right but i won't lie to myself and say i'm done yet.  Because i'm not a liar.  Stupid, but not a liar.

Also this morning i get a text from another man, "good morning beautiful"......we know i hate those texts but today it was funny because..........look at the difference in texts.  An exes face, and a beautiful ......which would any sane person prefer?

So i respond and think about suggesting another ride........then i stop myself.  No.  I will not do this.  I will not reach out to a new guy because the current guy isn't mine and never will be in a healthy way.  I will finish this trash situation for good before i even think about another man.

I don't need to get reassurance, or support from a man.  I need to get my shit straight and stop letting the current, not current, man use me as a support dog while he goes through shit with his ex.  roommate.  Whatever he is calling her today.

This feels good. I'm being honest that i haven't hit my limit yet, and i'm recognizing past behaviors of needing another mans approval to feel better.

Fuck that noise.  My life is full, is good, and the only thing giving me stress at the moment is the man i supposedly love...but how is that love when he knows almost nothing about me after a year of this.

Ugh.  too much brain power is being wasted on someone who has a huge backup line with no intention of ever being with me without talking about and obsessing over his ex, not ex, roommate whatever the fuck she is.

Notice the pattern.

He introduces the drama.

I respond to the drama.

I become the problem.

That's a cycle.

Not a relationship.

A position.

The position of "the one who listens."

"The one who understands."

"The one who stays."

"The one who sees the good in him."

Those are roles.

They're not intimacy.

Real intimacy sounds more like:

"What made you cry this week?"

"What are you excited about?"

"How's Koda?"

"How's work?"

"What are you painting?"

"What book are you reading?"

"What scares you?"

I have a rich life.

Reading.

my journal and Travelers Notebook.

Work i'm proud of.

Koda.

Weight loss, improving my health

Art dabbling

My growing family

These things rarely become the center of the conversation.

His crisis does.

That's not love growing.

That's my life orbiting someone else's chaos.

never difficult

 Not to sound overly confident but getting dates isn't difficult for me, or any woman really (as Mr. Cigar liked to tell me)  I do, however, get asked out by handsome guys so.....i'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel.  He sure is.

Last night was hard.  I talked to a nice man i met on Facebook, we have friends in common and he's a musician. We chatted and then he called me.  Great convo.  seems nice.  We are meeting in Middletown tomorrow night.  

Saturday im going for that ride which i desperately need.  The guy isn't someone i want to date and he knows it.  I was very blunt about it.  But if he's offering me the kind of therapy i need.......i am going.  That will help clear my head.

I'm getting angry now.  About the time wasted, the push and pull, the games that were played.  Those two chaotic people have an illness and they'd be doing the world a favor if they just stayed together and left everyone else out of it.  But crazy needs an audience. 

I want to go see my sweet Henry this weekend and get some baby loving in, give the kids a little break.  I am hoping my daughter will let me know when she's coming to see them so i also get to see her.  That might be hoping for too much.

I'm frustrated with her too.  The withdrawals kill me and i'm torn between being "too much" or letting her have her space.  I hate it.  The other side is that she has an opinion about everything i do, and it's never a good one.  So, really i'm not missing that part at all.  

My life is transitioning and i feel it.  Like and earthquake where everything is getting shook up and god knows what it looks like when it's done.

I'm hurt.  But i'm okay.  

Day by day

 Any time i have a free moment i miss him.  I'm realizing how i only obsess over men who don't return my affection, or who seem to be able to forget about me and move on like i never mattered.

But thats not all of it.  

It's okay though.  I just need to sit in discomfort for a few moments several thousand times a day, during the evening its the worst.  When i wish he would say goodnight.....because then i would know he was thinking about me too.

But even if he is, it doesn't matter.  The way all of this happened, no matter the reason or who was wrong or right.......it's not going to work.  Not now.  Maybe not ever.

When we keep reaching out to each other it's because neither one of us can stand the discomfort of going without the others attention.  But if we truly loved each other we wouldn't be playing these dumb games.  It's just both of us looking for attention.

I do miss that attention, but not the chaos that comes with it.  

So this weekend a little bike ride and a drink with Saybrook Man to clear my mind and get out of the house and on to two wheels.  He's a safe rider and i've made it clear i'm not interested in dating him.  I asked my ex repeatedly to go for a ride and that never happened.  Now he doesn't answer my text at all, because he doesn't want to or his phone is turned off?  Doesn't matter.  Probably not a great idea anyways.

Mr. Tattoo came to mind yesterday and i realized i haven't thought of him in a pretty long while.  Which made me realize that the reason for that is because NOW i'm obsessing over Mr. Cigar, again.  SMH.  Yes, that is a problem and maybe identifying it will help me stop the behavior.

Obsession isn't love.

Potential doesn't make a healthy relationship.

Chaos isn't peace.

I'm getting there. 

It's always my choice

Yesterday i had an epiphany.

I have a compulsive desire to prove that reality is real.

I collect evidence, confront lies and want acknowledgement for what is plainly true. 

I gather receipts, become the investigator, the truth teller, the referee, the therapist, the witness.

People invested in chaos don't want truth.  They want an audience.

"They" (in this case, Mr. Cigar and his psycho)  involved me because i participated.

I believe if everyone just knew the facts everyone would start behaving rationally.

They won't.  

After sitting and thinking about this i found it to be true of my entire life.  I do feel like i have to prove reality is real.  I do need to make sense of it even if it is plainly true. 

People i trust have questioned that trust because i dig.  I don't take face value, i ask for back up information.  I need all the details.

It drives men crazy but women seem to enjoy telling me the nitty gritty.

To learn something about myself and agree with it at this age is really interesting.  It's like meeting myself.

I've done some crazy stuff.  I've survived it all.  I've lived life.  I've never gone out of my way to hurt someone or tried to ruin their life, but i have associated with people who did it to me out of jealousy.  Thats funny because i can't imagine anyone being JEALOUS of me!?  

Most recently having Mr. Cigars psycho "roommate" (uh huh) lose her mind on me and say a bunch of vile, hateful and poison things to me.......proving to me that she is rotten to the core, gave me a really clear view of the kind of woman i could have potentially become.

I had a phone conversation with Mr. Cigar yesterday.  A deep, hopefully honest, painful conversation for both of us.  I asked him questions, i told him my feelings, he let me.  He answered me without getting heated, we got into the deep of it.  I identified that his relationship with her is comfortable to him because it's what he grew up with, what he is used to........for reasons i will not share here.  

Suffice it to say both of us are were conditioned to receive abuse and neglect.  Many people have.  Some break away from the pattern as adults, others fall into their parents footsteps.  

The games he plays, that i participate in......all of it would stop if we chose to make it stop.  It's our CHOICE to continue with this madness.

That said, i agreed to be taken out for a motorcycle ride with a guy I went riding with before.  He's been after me for months and i finally answered him and said he can take me for a drink and a ride, but i'm not looking for anything more than that.  Just company.  I know he rides safely and has lots of miles under him so i'm comfortable riding with him.

Off the bike is a different story.  I need the release of letting go and clearing my mind.  I need a reset.  A complete restart. A ride will do that for me.  

I will not reach out to Mr. Cigar, i will exibit self control and not insert myself into the circus he is living.  He chose that.  I choose not to instigate engagement. I already know i will answer his calls and texts, i won't even try to pretend i won't.  

I'm not fighting it.  It is what it is.  And it will do what it does.  Eventually i will learn or i will be proven wrong.  

Thats when you know

 When I avoid writing about something, or confiding in my close girlfriends about something and KNOW I can't tell my family about something......THATS when it finally kicks in that i should probably not be participating in whatever it is that i'm doing.

Like Mr. Cigar. 

I think we came together so that he could teach me a life lesson about myself.  When i think i'm healed, i'm not.  When i think my "mother wound" has healed, it hasn't.  It's never going to go away.  I thought the more healing and living i did the less likely it would be to affect me, this wound.  But if anything, trying to act like it's gone makes it get bigger.

The need to be picked by a man who doesn't deserve me.  Because SURELY he would chose me over a psycho, lying, cheating, no job holding, not to smart woman.  Right?  

Wrong.

I guess it was because i thought he had his shit together, because he is a successful business man, has hobbies he can actually talk about, have good conversations and wants good things out of life, is always growing and reaching for more........i thought he was smart.  But he is just as wounded as i am.  Just as stupid when it comes to the people we fall in "love" with.  

He doesn't know it's obsession yet.  Obviously he isn't going to see it.  When he does, when she leaves him finally or does something so castastrophic that he can no longer be with her.........he will then see.  He will then learn that love isn't painful, it doesn't use people, it doesn't lie, or enjoy watching you suffer.  That isn't love.

Not that i know what love IS.  But i do know what it's not.  And each time i get involved with him i am reminded.  It's not that he doesn't take me out, he does.  It's not that he doesn't text me or call me, he does.  This time, he actually spent time at my place because ......he HAD to.

Because duh, MB.  Even though he badmouther her, told me all the shit she had done and does to him and insisted that they are just roommates, and even though SHE insisted she didn't want him and they are just roommates.........they are, in fact, NOT.  But you already knew that because you aren't in the mist of it.

Yes, she and i talk texted quite a bit this time. And i kept asking myself and them, why are you so involved in your roommates personal life?  I knew.  And i kept saying it much to both of their upset, while they continued to trash each other..........And yes, there i was in the middle.  Because that is where i put MYSELF before i finally realized WTF am i doing here?  This is none of my business.  I want out of this crazy shit.

And i couldn't stop seeing him.  Or caring.

I am mistrustful of most people, especially when a woman who has nothing in common with me wants to all of sudden be my bestie.  I move slow with women, and men when it comes to friendship.  Fast isn't good.  And she wanted to jump right into the middle of it.........so i knew there was a motive and i protected myself.

because if i haven't made it clear, he sure as hell wasn't going to.

I was used.  That simple.  And i knew it, and continued.  And played the idiot.  Again.

Without going into all the crazy details, and i'm really playing down the word crazy because .......it was well beyond that.......I told him she was cheating and lying and showed him the proof, He then brought it to her attention in a fast and brutal way, making me his therapist and confidant.......then she went wild on me (because roommates really have a lot invested apparently) and eventually told me that they had "been together" (not that politely) the day before.

So i asked him.  And he said he couldn't lie, and that they had. 

So i extricated myself from the situation.  

You would think no one is together now, right?  But........i have money on a bet that they will continue to be together, even though they say and do the most heinous things to each other.  

I think it makes them happy.

Do i need to tell you that it doesn't make me happy?  I mean being a spectator let me see just how deep this dysfunction goes.........and i'm grateful that i'm not in her position, always having to depend on a man for a roof over her head.  Or money since she can't keep a job.  

The situation was so complicated with both of them lying through their teeth to me, and no, i really don't care why.  Why have me involved at all is my question.  What did that do for them?

People are fucked up.  I'd wish them well, except they don't want it.  Obviously.

This is the second time i've been involved with a man who chose a dumpster fire over me.

I guess i'm just that good.  It's pretty hard to live up to me. wink wink.  Both men are better off with the crazy bitches they chose.......because they really did deserve to go bottom feeding.  They believe it.  So they chose it.  Over and over again.

Accuse me of dating potential again and you'd be right.

Am i devasted?  uh, no.  But i do think i need to have my head checked when everything i ever told him came out of her mouth with a nasty spin on it.  So he was shit talking me too.  Because that is what they both do.  He will be 60 in two weeks and she is kissing it..........and they behave like high school girls.  Mean girls.

I hope they eat each other, like they would probably have eaten their young had they had any.

sigh.

Okay, done with that.  Again.  

He's HERE!!!

 I don't have all the details yet except that he has "our" dimples and is 20" long!  

Koda woke me up at 2am and i checked my phone to find pictures of the new addition to our family.

I'm beyond excited to meet him.

Not sure when that will be because i'm being respectful ....not sure how they feel about visitors at the hospital and i would like to spend time with them, not run in and run out, which in fairness is what i would have to do because her family is large.

I'm thinking my daughter and grandaugher might come this weekend and maybe we can all go together or something like that.

Anything.  Anything they want.  They were in the hospital Monday night and he was born before midnight last night....thats a long time and i'm sure they are ready for some "no people" time.

Or maybe i'm wrong.

I don't care.....as long as i get to meet him.  And give kisses.  And count toes.  

I'm beyond excited.

I can't stand myself.

he is STILL coming

 No baby yet.  I have the utmost sympathy for my DIL.  This has been a long haul.  Both appear to be in good spirits and were able to get some rest last night due to the epidural.  Smart lady.  Sometimes i think if i had to do it again i might have gone with the epidural.

I'm glad they aren't "rushing" my grandson.  Everyone is good, healthy and there are no concerns.  I had fear that they would rush her into a c-section without need.  They have a LOT of steps to go up and down at their home, and that would have been a lot to deal with.

All i can do is wait.

This morning i asked her (in the family chat) how much she is dilated? and my daughter piped in with MOM!  So i immediately felt chastised.  I apologized and she said she was only kidding.  And then Jess told me the details.

Weirdly, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around Lindsay.   It's her reluctance to spend time with me, or even talk to me.  Something is going on there.  It needs to get fixed because i'm not getting cut out of her life.  Or my granddaughters life.  Sometimes i wonder how much of this has to do with her husband.

Now is the time to dig with the new baby entering our family.  Enough.  Could be all my imagination but what ever it is we will come to the bottom of it once and for all.  

Sometimes i feel bad for my ex.  He missed all of this.  I know he loves his children in his own fucked up way- but he never maintained a relationship with either of them.  He pushed too hard and then not enough.  You basically have to hang on like a rabid dog when they try to get rid of you.  Pretty much.  And mind your business unless asked for your opinion.  And be there.  Wether they like it or not.  It's really no different than raising them.

Now i'm getting regular phone calls and texts from Bill again......i have to say, i do love our conversations.  The banter, topics, the mild flirtation and many disagreements.....I enjoy him when he isn't manic.  I enjoy his touch, his brain..........but his actions are hurtful and predictable.  He says i run, I say he gives me reason to.  Not sure what the point of all this is, but i am willing, AGAIN, to see what happens.  Maybe it's two very fucked up people trying to manage our emotions or maybe he's just a user.  

I don't know.  And right now, it's not my problem.

Work- i'm a little pissed off.  AGAIN i am being left off the website as the coordinator of my program.  Everyone else is listed and they aren't even the ones doing the bulk or heavy lifting of the program.  I AM.  Fuck yeah i want the public recognition.  I'm not invisible.  There is NO ONE else but me managing this program and i'm getting tired of that office always leaving me out.  I honestly hope they DO just take the project over.  Good fucking luck.  They think they can do it better, be my guest.  Have fun with that.  And DO NOT come to me with any questions or problems after having treated me like i don't exist.

Just sit back and watch the shit hit the fan.  I'm moving on.  It hurts me to think the Dr. S would ever find out what they are doing, but i have not personal attachment to any WORK.  There's always more, and they certainly are going to find that out soon.

He's coming!

 My grandson is in the process of being born.  My son and DIL checked in to the hospital at 7:30pm last night to get this party started.  Apparently, my grandson needs a little nudge to join  us.

I kept waking up all night, checking my phone.  I made them promise to call when he made his arrival no matter the time.  I know they don't want me to go to the hospital right away, i remember when it was me and i threatened my husbands manhood if he told his mother because she never had any respect for our wishes and would come barging in anyways.  

You rush to the hospital when someone is dying, not getting born.  He has just entered this world and he needs time with his parents, not every tom dick and harry.  

Also, i have a cold.  A small one.  But enough that I would be afraid to make anyone sick at this delicate time.  

If they call me to come, i will go immediately but i will not be able to hold him.  Maybe a mask?  I will talk with my son and see what he thinks.  If he can think after this long delivery.  I'm worried for my DIL because i know she was scared of childbirth.  I hope all is well.  I can't keep texting.  I'm trying to be patient. 

I'm ready to go wait outside the delivery room.

I know i can't.

My daughter gave birth denying that she was in labor for most of it.  She barely made it to the hospital and then when my granddaughter was born she called me and told me she "did a thing".  

I'll never forget that phone call.  I was so joyful and at the same time devastated because i had wanted to be with her during labor.  I wanted to share that experience with her and she had told me i could.  But when it comes down to it, it's between mother and child.  

I wanted to be so involved with my granddaugher, and i regret that i let my son in law chase me away.  I felt it was more important for their small family to bond without me under their feet (my presense is aggravating to my daughter) and then covid hit.....i missed so much.

I refuse to be scared away from this grandchild.  I'm hoping that now that there are TWO i will be able to spend more time with BOTH.  

I made mistakes with my own children, things i can't go back and change.  One of the biggest was time not spent with them.  I always felt like my presense was not wanted.  I still feel that way.  I know now that it's because of how my own mother treated me, but that doesn't mean a thing to my children.  They should have had me more present in their lives.  

What do you do with regret?  Make sure you don't make the same mistake twice.  I can't wait to hold this little love, and to help in whatever way they need me to.  And maybe my daughter will come around and rely on me to help her too.  We are both capricorns, and asking for help is almost a sin.  But I love my family more than my life and i won't be ignored anymore.

Grammy is HERE dammit.

Mr. Cigar has been calling and texting as if we are together.  I can't figure this man out, although i haven't tried.  He is what he is what he is.  Undependable, a liar, and undeniably attractive to my hormones. Backseat for you Mr. Cigar.  I'll fit you in when and where i want.

oh boy

 If i can't be honest here, where else can i be?

Mr. Cigar came over yesterday and we were intimate. If thats what you want to call it.  I have no fantasies about us being in love and living happily ever after.  Basically, i wanted sex, so did he.  So we came to a mutual agreement.

I'm so over dating.  I can't stand meeting new men.  I am not going into it with a good attitude so i'm just not doing it anymore.  I don't care for the constant texts, the phone calls, the making plans.......the disapointment of meeting yet another liar/jerk/cheater/misfit.  I'm all set with that.

Looking at my life i'm happy.  Work is turning out to be everything i was scared to hope it would be, i'm lucky to have good friends that i get to travel and have experiences with, my family is expanding and i feel getting closer.  Yes, there are things i wish were better, but not where men are concerned.

I'm not going to meet a man that i can trust and depend on by looking for him.  

I woke up yesterday morning contemplating making an arrangement with my ex just for sex.  THATS when i knew i had to do something before i really fucked up.  First, I'm not attracted to him anymore in that way.  Second, he lost access to my body when he  chose someone else over me.  Forever.  Now he lives with his choices and has a different life.  Yes, i love him in a way of having history, a lot of history together and knowing each other better than others.  I could spend time with him, and have, just as friends and thats more than i ever thought would happen.  I will leave it at that.

I watch myself when i answer Mr. Cigars calls.......i wonder if i'm okay in the head.  Or if i'm just horny.  I know he doesn't care if i am in his life or not and i feel like i've arrived at the same place. If he disappears for a few months again, it won't be a surprise.  He will always come back.  What i need from him is nothing.  HOWEVER, i know the intimacy is good and i will get and give what i want.  AND i don't have to date him.

vacation with a puppy

 Koda did very well on the plane ride to Florida and back to Hartford.  Better than his mama.  I came so close to a meltdown each way that i think next time i will self medicate. Airports stress me out.  Racing from one place to another dragging luggage stresses me out.  Trying to manage my carry on, a puppy and my personal item at lightening speed on the airplane.......stresses me out.

Basically, Air travel stressed me out.  Probably because i'm already ramped up about putting my life in the hands of a faceless stranger.  And turbulance.  Lets say i'm not one to applaud the pilot for landing us safely........that seems like the bare minimum.

I do NOT recommend going on vacation with a 12 week old puppy.  He doesn't have control over his bladder yet, and he thinks everything is a chew toy, including people.  He doesn't understand that darkness means go to sleep and that 3am is not an acceptable time to rise and shine for the day.

It was hard because he was peeing and pooping and chewing every single time i closed my eyes for a minute, or got involved with anything that took my eyes off him.  I felt bad, like i was the one peeing and chewing.  Like i was in trouble.  Obviously i wasn't but no one gets real happy over stepping in surprise piddles or having  their furniture and rugs  gnawed on.  I had a little melt down when the men let him out the front door with no leash, considering he still doesn't answer to his name all the time and there is a main road closer than any of us can run to get him if he decided "fuck you, i'm not listening" which is about 90 percent of the time.

Was the first time any of them saw me get really mad, and yell and then end up crying and yelling because the men weren't taking me seriously telling me to "let him be a dog".  When they realized i was serious they were both mortified.  

Everything turned out fine, Koda got to run free "like a dog" in the back yard where it was safer.  I had to womansplain that He does not have that freedom at home in his own yard and getting him used to being on leash is extremely important.

So......my advise is don't bring an untrained puppy.  It was the only choice i had and good thing it was Jen that i got him from so they couldn't really complain. :)

We had a lot of fun and did work to the house, shopped, went to the beach, went out for dinners, went to St. Augustine for the day and visited the torture museum.......went out on a boat twice, once just the four of us and the next time with Ed's friends, who are now our friends.  We went out drinking the day before we left and it was so much fun, then back to their house for dinner and more drinks.  What a day.  It's nice to know good people down there and when they come up to CT in November we are all going to get together again.

I actually got a little homesick and it felt SO good to walk into my apartment after almost two weeks away.  Of  course, now i'm wishing i was back in florida.  

The man i was talking to wouldn't tell me his full name and tried to make me feel like i was being unreasonable by asking for it before we met last night.  So, block.  I don't have time or inclination for this childish behavior from men.  Go tell your wife.

After sharing one bathroom with 2 men i can tell you that the idea of having to share a bathroom with a man ever again  gives me the ick. No Thank You.  

If i'm invited to go down again next year i don't want to share my bedroom either.  I love Ed but he's a man with man ways and there is nothing more irritating than a drunk man in bed with me.  Or under my feet when i'm trying to pack, or sleep or exist.  And he's a GOOD man.  Imagine.  

Several times he said to me "i don't understand how you think" and i finally told him "you don't need to" and that shut him up.  Explaining myself to anyone at this point in life feels like something i have no interest in doing.  So i don't.  

Honestly it was a relief to let the no last name man go.  I don't have space in my life at the moment.  Maybe never.  I have no capacity for tolerance.  So why should i.  

My grandson was due yesterday and has not yet made his appearance.  I am anxiously awaiting his arrival.  I am going to ask my daughter again, if she would come visit with my granddaughter.....bringing the puppy to her place would be a hot mess at this point.  

I went to Amies Wednesday night for a girls gathering and next Thursday i'm going to lunch with Cindy and then to dinner at the elks club with Cathy.  Next weekend is the pool with Sarah.  I am grateful for the wonderful group of females that i call my family.  Through thick and thin, hell or high water, always there for each other.

Jen is going to need a rester from me for a little while after 2 weeks together, but not too long.  I won't allow it. :)

Thats the update.  Wahoo! back to work.

Probably wierd and maybe alterier motives

 Me being in daily contact with Mary is probably weird.  I've asked myself multiple times, "why"?  At first the only thing we had in common was Mr. Cigar, and you know what they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" 

Is that what this is?  I don't want him.  She doesn't want him - won't go into what i know, but i know she is not available to him even though she lives there still.  Not my business to share, but the situation isn't good for either one but he asked for it.  

She reaches out more than i do, but i engage with her daily, as i said.  We vent, we talk about future plans, things we want to do, and pretty much support each other.  She is more prim and reserved until she gets mad.  She's a tiny little thing and she is just as confused about her attraction to Mr. Cigar as i am.  I call him the devil.  He turns on the charm and you don't see all the bullshit he's feeding you.

I do feel like it's been helpful talking with her.  He treats her like shit.  Theres a snapshot of what any woman will go through if living with him.  And to think, I actually considered it.  Makes me want to punch myself.  

Here's the thing.  I didn't.  I gave up NOTHING to be with him.  I held on to myself and my space in the world.  At least i learned that much with all the dating and failed relationships.

I've considered cutting her off too.  I've asked myself why do i continue to talk to her.  If it was only about Mr. Cigar, there would be no question.  But she gets it.  She lives it.  We understand what it feels like to be so thoroughly manipulated and want more until we get it. We support each other.

I do believe everything happens for a reason.  We meet people through other people and become close, while the original person was just passing through. The real ones stay.  Sometimes we need a bridge to meet.  Maybe Mr. Cigar was a bridge.

Or maybe i just like hearing about what a miserable fucker he is.

This, THIS is overthinking.  

In other parts of my brain, i feel like i stuck my neck out yestereday after a meeting and i feel a little foolish.  It could have been great, because i'm participating and offering alternatives, but it also could have been overstepping....in the arena with the big dogs.  I need to shut my mouth and observe.  I'm not sure if it was good, that i tried, or that i was a nuisance.  Time will tell.

I'm proud that i pushed myself to say something that i felt was useful and constructive.  Period.  

My kids are no longer even responding to my text messages.  My son is pretty good about answering when i call, which he never used to be.  But he never calls me.  Never.  My daughter has been completely ignoring me and i don't know what is going on.  Neither has said a word about Koda, and i thought for sure a cute puppy would make them speak to me. 

Not sure what to do, or what i did or didn't do.  It hurts.  But there is part of me that realizes they are both in the thick of building their lives and considering that they think everything i do is stupid or irresponsible (incidentally, thats not how i raised them) you would think they would check and make sure i'm alive once in a while.  Not sure what i can do.  I've asked to go to NY repeatedly and when i pick an actual day it's never a good time.  No invites.  From either camp.  

I mean.........i stay in Connecticut so i can be relatively close, a drive away, from my kids.  And i never see them.  Rarely talk with them.  

What is keeping me here when i can't afford it, and i'm literally salivating to start somewhere new, fresh.......I even considered Texas, something i NEVER would have considered years ago.  Alaska has bitten me now.....i've been researching, and chatting with people who actually live there - and a seed has been planted.  It's growing roots.  I'm starting to plan my vacation for next winter which i think will be 2 weeks in fairbanks in the winter.  When it's the coldest, and the darkest.  "the worst part" if you will.  Visiting in the summer isn't a full depiction of what life is really like.

I don't mind the cold when i don't have to be out in it.  I can hibernate inside quite happily for weeks at a time.  If i have koda, and my books and internet access........it might actually be ideal.  A small commuinity, nature, isolation when needed........space.  

Like i said it's just a seed.  But it's growing.

nothing or something?

 Mr. Cigar brought my key back to me last night.  I let him in as far as the dining area and we sat at the table while he played with Koda. We talked a little bit, but mostly he made comments about my appearance (unshowered, no makeup and pj's from the previous day) which i shrugged about.  None of his business, i'm not here trying to impress him.  

He made a few comments about me being in my head as usual and i again, shrugged.  I told him he thinks he knows me, but he never bothered to get to know me, to ask me questions, find out what i care about.  He insisted he does know me.  I didn't argue, or tell him why he doesn't.  

I told him every conversation with him is circular, it goes nowhere.  He's always right and He can't step back to see someone elses perspective.  If it's different than his, it's wrong, or stupid.  He tried to give me his charm, and make me laugh, which i rolled my eyes at.

I don't have to participate in the "make nice" when i have nothing to lose.  If he doesn't like it, he is free to go.  Which i told him.  He said if he didn't want to be there he wouldn't be.

I did get a chance to tell him that i don't believe the bullshit act of "i don't know what i'm doing" when he runs several successful businesses and knows how to manipulate and sell himself.  I told him he is charming when he wants to be and that makes him an even bigger asshole because it's not genuine, it's manipulative.

He insists that women don't want to be treated well.  I told him he should go date those women then.  

I told him he is emotionally vacant and unavailable.  That he plays games with emotions and that I never felt safe with him.  He said that turned me on.  I told him just because we had a smoking hot physical connection didn't mean i hadn't had that before, or that it makes him special.  I enjoy sex, i'm fun in bed and i've NEVER had any complaints.  He shouldn't try to take credit for what i already do, with, or without him.

I don't think he liked that.  Not sure that i care.  It's true.  

I don't need a man for sex, that is easily obtained.  I wanted more from him, and he didn't have it to give me.  Thats what i told him.  My needs are emotional - i require affection, adoration, caring and demonstrations of love.  None of which he can or ever has given me.

I asked him why he is always so negative. (something he accuses me of)  He is unable to say anything positive, or nice about me or our time together.  This may have stumped him.  

He is great at changing the subject and every time he did it i called him on it.  I told him his avoidance is consistant.  That he can't have serious conversations that he is not in control of.  

Pretty much i had a conversation with him where i was 100% present as myself, without any tenderness towards the outcome.  The outcome has already been established.  Yes, i have feelings for him, no he will never be able to make me happy.  He does not have what i need. And i'm not a project.

I told him i was in contact with Mary pretty much daily and he already knew that.  So he says.  She did tell him some things i had told her and i stated that i was not in the business of playing he said she said.  I told him if I was there when he came home fall down drunk and projectile puked all over the house, i would have left his ass there and then.  

He reminded me that i always leave.  I can't argue it's true.  I told him that i leave when there is drama and upset.  So yes, i leave him a LOT.  Proving my point to myself.

He did try to touch me a few times and i told him to knock it off.  When he tried to say anything flirtatious i just rolled my eyes.  I did allow him to grab my foot and put it in his lap at one point, as he held on to my ankle and pulled my forward in my chair.  I put the brakes on before i could get too close.  Was the chemistry there?  Yes, of course it was.

But the lack of accountability, the constant deflection, the inability to hear what i was saying will never be less important than the physical, and very limited, contact he offers.

He called me after he left and asked me if i felt better now?  I asked him better how?  I told him he can't give me what i need, and that's not likely to ever change.  Hell, he tells me that i DON'T want what i clearly want.  So how should i feel?

I'm not sad, i'm resigned.  Seeing him always gets my heart jumping, but thats because i know it's going to be a wild, unpredicatable ride.....no stability, no transparency......just more games and drama and never knowing WHEN.  I don't need it, or want it.

deal with it

 Every morning i wake up and feel the growth of brand new hairs on my chin.

This is part of the aging process.  Why, after all these years, would i need hair on my chin?  What part of evolution is this?  The hormones? Is this where my bigger balls are coming from? The testosterone coursing through my aging body wasting time on growing hair.  ON MY CHIN.

Because aging isn't fun enough.

Add to that little surprise bursts of pure anger when a thought crosses my mind concerning Mr. Cigar over the past year.  Not at him. At myself.  He IS all the things i think he is, and he DID do the despicable disrespectful things that he did..........but it was ME that continued to allow his con artist ass back in.

Repeatedly.

And that gets my panties in a bunch because i thought i was in a better place.  

Maybe its better because i kept running from him, but i also returned.  Maybe it's better because i dealt in reality and tried to talk myself into "no one is perfect" and "he had a truly horrible childhood".......but fuck that noise.  We are all adults, too old to blame shitty behavior on our childhood.

I want a man.  I want sex, and appreciation and partnership.  I'm thinking that it's never going to happen, that my perfect man does not exist.  That is my price, my karma for centering on men most of my life.  I focused on getting what i didn't have, not what i had.  A young family, career potential, friends.  

Age makes you look at things differently.  I was doing what i thought i needed to do after leaving my husband.  I wanted fun, but i wanted a man for "protection" from lifes problems.  The one i picked actually gave me MORE problems but all i knew was that i was not alone.  Even though i felt alone.  I had "a man" to attach to, to attach to his life because i didn't know what was happening to my own.  I grabbed the first "fun" man who floated my boat and told myself he was what i needed.

We don't need anyone.  The truth is, partnership usually means twice the problems along with the company.

It's worth it because that partner is "yours".  But thats only for as long as they choose to be, and normally they don't tell you they have changed their mind until after they have already betrayed you.  Further fucking you up for future men.

yay.

I'm in my head.  That is something Mr. Cigar said to me if i even questioned his behavior ......yes, I am in my head.  It's mine.  Where else should i be?

What i shouldn't be doing is getting myself all upset about something that never mattered.  It was all a lie.  I found out so much more about his betrayal and i'm beyond disgusted.  Am i a fool or is he the devil?  I believed because i wanted to believe.  Why did he lie?  Actively betray me, lie to my face and act like i was crazy when he KNEW i was right.

This is a great reason to just live like a nun.

Not such a postive place this morning, after a weekend of stewing on stuff that should be dead and gone by now.  i'm sure this too, shall pass.

Reality baby

 ugh.

I want to have fun so bad.  Good, honest, adult fun with no bullshit games.

Considering i want that fun with an adult male...........that may be very wishful thinking.

Mr. A got "stuck at work" and "didn't want to rush" and "wanted to spend a good amount of time" with me.

Yeah?  Well, you should have planned better love. We made plans years ago to meet and didn't because you "got sick" and now, you came around looking for another chance and..........i GAVE IT TO YOU and you "had to work late".

Next.

I'm sorry, my tolerance is at zero.  

Plus, it's a relief.  No having to respond to texts take phone calls and listen to bullshit from a male mouth. Stress free.  

Just me and Koda.  And vacation around the corner.  

OH! and the crazy part is a man i went out a few times with in 2018 contacted me yesterday for the strangest (short, thanks to me) conversation.......he wanted to reconnect also,

What the fuck.  No.  No more. Block Block Block.

For god's sake can i get a fresh one please?  IF i have to have one at all?

dreams and reality

 last night i had a dream that Mr. Cigar was back in my life, and he had hair.

I kept looking at him, wondering what was different?  And then it occurred to me, the man has hair.  

No we weren't together, but he thought we were.  I felt disinterest.  And curious about what had changed.

What a weird dream.

Been thinking about Mr. Tatoo and how we met, our short interaction, the ongoing affection that went one way.......I may be in the same situation again, depending.

Meeting Mr.A tonight.  We've been talking for a couple of weeks, and we used to talk a lot more years ago, during the pandemic.  I "met" a lot of people on line then, like a lot of other people did.  We were supposed to meet, but never did.  I think i thought he was married.  Or I had someone i was seeing, it could have been anything  But he wasn't blocked.

He found me on Tik Tok, probably by accident? I'm not sure, but it's also not the first time this has happened.  He was hell bent on meeting me.  I told him i wasn't dating, he said fine, can we be friends? And i liked his persistence that does not feel like pushy.

Yet.

So tonight we meet up and i doubt it will end "friendly".  Lets see if the chemistry is real or not.  Again i think about Mr. Tattoo and the crazy sparks i felt as soon as i saw him.  I wish every date could be like that, then it would be easier to control myself.  But when those sparks hit, and i'm not talking butterflys i'm talking SPARKS.........i'm not passing that up.

For a long time i felt like i handled Mr. Tattoo the wrong way but i was being myself.  Always am.  I wasn't being strategic, there was no plan or goal.  I just enjoyed being with him and i let myself enjoy him.  I feel like that went against me in his eyes......like a quality woman wouldn't follow her wants and needs without withholding for an appropriate amount of time.  

Didn't work out with him, and that was his loss.  I'm a lot more than good sex.  But i did enjoy it.  Not regretting it.  I've done that one other time and it was good.  I didnt' like the man once i got to know him but the fire, the intensity......that was worth it.  I'm a grown woman with grown woman needs and i don't want to settle for a life partner just because i want sex sometimes.

I want the whole package.  I want Whole Foods, but sometimes i have to pick up a snack at the gas station..........to hold me over.

I hope this man turns out to be the whole package.  If not, no harm no foul.  

grreat

 I was annoyed Sunday night when we had to leave the casino two songs in to the second band.  I love going to see Dirt, but i also wanted to see the next band Devils Hopyard. 

I think i'll start driving myself to see live music.  I don't want to leave until i've seen it all.  We drove an hour to watch an hour to drive another hour home.  I think i took an hour to get ready.  Booo.

But it was still fun.  

I think Doug and Jen want me to be with Ed, but Ed and I are not at the same place in life.  He's retiring in August, and is ready to travel and go do stuff.  I have a long way to go before retirement.  He wants to move down south. I won't leave being close to my grandchildren and children.  I hardly see them but when they do invite me I can be there.

Down south is for vacation.  Even if i hate snow, i'm a new england girl born and raised.  This is my home. When i retire and live in a van, this will still be my home.

upped my dose of the glp and this morning it wasn't pretty.  It looked like everything i ate within the last week was vomited into the toilet ending with bile.

Not good.

But i'm on the tale end here.  This is the highest dose and will be the last push for significant weight loss. This shot makes me unbearably tired the second day so today will be a long one. I will probably take a nap in my car for lunch.

Vacation is around the corner.  Koda still hates the sling but he's getting better. He's growing up fast, and still pottying inside.  urgh.  I know it's my fault.

Which brings me to my bestie, who has been annoying the fuck out of me lately.  Something is ALWAYS wrong.  Yesterday she was bitching about her overtime hours (which she depends on and gets paid time and half for) and then about the farmer across the street who kicks up dust with the tractor.

I was beyond annoyed. Must be rough when you buy a house across the street from farm land with all the flies and dust.  Did they not SEE the land across the street?  Nothing is ever good enough for them.  And as far as the overtime, i don't get it.  I work all hours which is my choice but i will NEVER be paid overtime.  When i tell her how that office abuses funds I'm including her "overtime" .  She doesn't get it.

What she really doesn't get is her audience.  Does she remember who she's talking to?  Apartment renter here, and no overtime even though that would change my life.  So keep bitching about you lovely home and extra income.  Duh.

What chased me off the phone yesterday with her was the 50th "kevin said".  He's an expert on EVERYTHING and all they do is judge other peoples choices because THEY know the best way to do everything.  I'm tired of unsolicited advice.  I didn't ask.  And i don't feel like i need to explain myself or my choices.  I've just stopped telling her anything.  

Theres a reason i couldn't tell her i was seeing Bill again.  It wasn't that he was toxic and not a good choice for me, it's because i wouldn't be able to talk to her about it without her telling me what i should be doing.  I don't need it.  And she doesn't see it. 

She gets mad if i don't answer the phone but sometimes the idea of listening to her list of gripes is something i cannot stand to deal with.  NOW she's having "eye surgery" and will be out of work for a week before she goes on her 3 week vacation to italy.  So thats all i'll be hearing about.

We go through this.  I'm trying to avoid a blow out.  I just need space from her and "kevs" views on my life.

well everyone makes mistakes

 Blocked Mr Cigar on Friday.  Everywhere.  Done.

It's not flattering to have a man completely shitfaced calling me while he's DRIVING trying to tell me that i want him. 

No.  Actually.  I do not.

And if THAT situation wasn't enough, his GF sent me pictures of the aftermath.  He projectile vomited literally all over the house.

Who does that?  That was done on purpose.  And she cleaned it up.  Spent all night doing it while she texted with me.  The man couldn't stand when he pretty much crawled into the house.

That is disgusting behavior.  Me? I would have grabbed my shit and left.  No WAY would i be taking care of his mess and his animals.

It's been very enlightening talking with Mary.  We've been filling in the blanks as it were.  I don't need to know, but it's very helpful in supporting my self control.  He is not a nice man.  He can be, when he turns it on, but so can serial killers.  Found out completely by accident that last year, when i went to New York for 4th of July weekend, and he broke up with me via TEXT......he took a woman to the company picnic.  Not just any woman.

He took the woman i specifically asked if he had dated.  I have history with her.  He lied through his teeth.  And now, i feel like i need to go get sanitized.  Its not bad enough that he spreads his attention all over the place, but this particular woman is ........very popular.  ehem.

That made me feel sick.  Being an asshole and being a pathological liar aren't the same.  And i want neither.

Anyhoo.  It actually helps but i think i'll be blocking Mary soon too.  I don't need to be involved and it's just the nosey part of me that needs justification for my stupidity.  he lied.  He was nothing what i thought, and............He is a short, bald, small-handed, small-footed, limp dick, blustering, "IRRELEVANT" wanna be badass.  

AND he's not nice.

Done.

Next.

work is crushing

 I went from ending this years program to finishing up another important program that needs to be completed before fiscal year end.  I had 2 days notice.  I've been busy.

Between that, working with Kevin to get it completed and moving one boss into another office in a different building, clearing out his part of his current office and then setting up my new bosses office.......it's been a busy week.

No i did not expect to be doing any of this again.  HOWEVER, i'm getting what i want.  I work remotely 2 days a week, and the price i pay for that is flexibility.  I do what needs to be done.  I'm the go to, the one that when they don't know what to do, i find out.  

Mind you, all providers, in other words, Doctors.  

I run with wolves.

and so far, hold my own.  The right amount of respect, balanced with my sense of humor and ability to get shit done that they can't be bothered with.

Got my raise.  eh.  

Yesterday while working with Kevin he noticed my notes on my desk and said "is THAT your handwriting?!" to which i responded "at least I can read my own handwriting" because He can't.....lol  He told me my handwriting shows that i'm an incredibly giving and open person.

I love my research geeks.  So much.  he drives me crazy the way he trys to rush ahead and answer his own questions, but i'm getting used to it.  He's married and has lunch with his sister who also works here i believe.  He has dogs and a cat who fights fox.  It's nice to work with a normal person along with my bosses.  He's also a doctor but when i tried to call him that he freaked out.  "JUST KEVIN"

okay then.

today is a busy one and then home to Koda.  He did better with potty yesterday because i was on him like glue and brought him out every 15 minutes.  (i set and alarm)  When he pottyed i made a big happy deal about it.  He had one accident, which i cleaned up but did not comment on while he watched me.  The biting is getting better.  He does not like it when i hold his collar but he settles almost immediately.  Probably because he knows i will let go when he is still.

This is hard.  Sometimes i feel like i'm being mean.  But i have to think about his future behavior and if i want him to travel and be with me all the time he needs to be trained.

Miyagi was a different dog.  Almost a human.  Koda is definitely a puppy and adores me with those eyes and follows me like a literal shadow.

I'm tired

 Having a puppy is definitely like having an infant, except puppies are mobile.  Constantly.  Potty training is a nightmare so far.  He piddles everywhere and because he is so close to the ground i don't know if he's peeing or just standing there until he walks away and "whoops there it is".......ughhhhh

Everyone has advice.  Yesterday when i arrived home he greeted me at the door.  How?  Because he had busted out of the gate i had up blocking him into the very pee proof and puppy safe kitchen.  I hadn't locked the latch and this puppy figured it out.

Smart ass.

So today, i made sure it was latched and locked.  If he is anything like Miyagi, he will literally crawl over the top of the gate and drop himself over to freedom.  If he DOES do that, he has earned it.  I'm more worried about his safety than my floors.  Floors can be cleaned.  OVER AND OVER again.  

We've been working on the biting.  I take his collar and tell him to "settle" and when he stop squirming i tell him he's a good boy and give him a treat.

This is supposedly to get him to associate settling with being a good thing.  If he goes nuts and twists and turns i pick him up and hold him against my chest with my hand holding his head to my chest until he stop resisting.

Are these trainers sure about all this?

It does appear to be working.....He has been tearing the shit out of his toys but has only been mouthing at my hands without actually biting as often.  while we play i tell him "gentle" "good boy Koda"...he's so friggen cute.  To me.  I don't want others hating him because i don't train him right.

The older lady in my neighborhood who i talk to occasionally is a busy body racist.  I chalk it up to her age and the fact that she' an old maid white lady.  When i see her i try to avoid her now, but yesterday she caught me and started talking about the neighbors "from other countries" and shaking her head.  

I'm not one to tolerate this shit.  I also know she isn't listening to any corrections so when she was saying something about how "they" don't train their dogs and how she had to complain again........i shook my head and said "I don't understand people who don't have pets.  It's like they have a missing link or something" and i smiled.  It went over her head or she chose to ignore it.........i think it went over her head.  Maybe she'll think on it.  She has no pets.  

Still no key.  Not asking again.  Mr. Cigar will pop up when he feel the timing is prime.  His gf has stopped trying to make me her bestie due to her not needing to anymore.  Relief.  That is a whole lot of toxic over there at that house.  Have at it.

I'm pulling into my cocoon licking my wounds and healing my stupidity.  Everything is about Koda and work now.

Yesterday i talked to the Director of the department i'm going to be part of as of July 1st when the fiscal year ends.  He is excited that i will be available to him.  I guess my new boss is looking out for me after all.  I don't know if he ever knew i was interviewing elsewhere.  All of that is off the table now as things are starting to take shape.  I need to be busy, valuable, effective......i'm not a seat warmer.

First day

 Back to the office today.  Leaving Koda "locked up" in the kitchen broke my heart.  His favorite place is in front of the sliding glass doors in the living room.  He can't even see that from the kitchen.  He screamed, and screamed, and my soft heart wanted to let him out but he doesn't have a crate and it's not safe for a puppy to roam the house while no one is there to monitor him.

So scream he shall, until he stops.  

This is the first time letting him be unhappy......booo.

No LIKE.

It may explain the mood i'm in.  I can't care about anything involving men, or the potential of them being around me, or not.  I don't care.  It's nothing but work and disapointment.

And yet i keep interacting.

What if I just don't?

I have to tell this new guy that now is not the time.  I'm just not ready to date, or kiss, or even THINK about being involved with another man while i still have the dust unsettled from Mr. Cigar.

I did text with Mr. Cigar a bit yesterday and i felt nothing.  I saw his banter as a huge avoidance of what actually occurred.  He found my key and he won in his shooting division over the weekend.  I said "congratulations"  When where and how am i getting my key?  To which he responded he was "trying to figure that out and would let me know.....

Really?

You can win a shooting competition, run a successful business.......but can't figure out how to arrange to return a key on the fly?  Give me a break.

I don't even care.

I almost told him to shove the key up his nose into his brain..........but thought that might come back and bite me.  

Oops theres that part of me that hates being taken as stupid. 

So i'm in a mood.  I need to get back into a pattern, a routine with the puppy.  Get my head out of my ass.

Koda

 I have never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 years old when we found each other.  

Koda is a baby.

I have barely left the house since his arrival.  My whole world has been about him. And work. 

I was approved to work remotely 2 days a week leaving me 4 days at home with him each week.

I haven't yet found out what the 3 days alone will be like for him.  

In other news......

Mr. Saybrook is back with a vengeance, stalking my social media pages.......asking me to go for a ride along the shore.....trying to bait me.  Another player.  Another womanizer who can't be honest about what he is looking for.  The last i knew he was madly in love (according to facebook) and now......he's after me again.  Not because he wants me.  Because he wants ANYONE.  He was always a flake.  I don't answer him.

An interesting development from the past....I used to run a very popular room on KIK during covid.  If it had been a bar, or a real place, i would have made lots of money.  But it was virtual.  I met a lot of really cool people during that time (online) and some still remain my friends today.

One man who i really don't remember, reached out to me on TikTok and because he showed up in my messages as someone in my contacts, i responded.  As we chatted he told me how he knew me, and mentioned a few people that we know in common.  He told me his name, so i looked it up in my phone contacts and sure enough, he is there.  He sent me a picture and it matched the one in my contacts...not the same one, but the same man.  So we've been texting and he's been calling me.  Wednesday night we are meeting for a drink.

It pays to not get rid of contacts and conversations ...thats the second time this has happened.  We never dated.  We were supposed to go out, but he got the flu.......and i thought he was married.  He wasn't.  It was a very busy time in my life.

I guess my life is boring to anyone on the outside right now, but it is full overflowing for me.  Between Koda, my grandchild being born in July and my granddaughter who i don't see as much as i would like.....my friends, my family, my sanity.   My life is full if not overly exciting.  I'm peaceful, low stress (aside from regular, expected stressors) and i'm happy.

My new man

 Jennifer is bringing me a puppy today.  He was left on her co-workers doorstep along with 3 siblings, way too early to be taken from their mama.  She brought them to the vet, bottle fed them and gave them away when they started to eat puppy food.  This little man decided he wanted the bottle for an extra week so he was the only one left. 

He has been dewormed (something i never knew had to happen) and has gotten his clean bill of health as of yesterday.  Now he needs a name, which Jen and i will decide tonight.  We are co-parenting.  Poor Doug had a heart attack when he thought this little boy was coming to live at his house.  

I'm not a fan of normal names.  Miyagi was named so because he had soulful eyes and a little white beard. He fit his name.  He was the bestest boy ever.  And now.......i'm going to do this again.  I've never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 when he came home with me.  They are placing this little boys birth in the beginning of April.......so he's BRAND new.  New, new.  And will need a lot of attention and guidance.  He must be well behaved because he will also be going everywhere with me.  And i go places.

He will have doggo friends, Luna, Bruno and Rosie.  All big dogs so he will need to figure it out.  I want him to have playmates.  I'm deciding if i should take him to florida which will probably be a lot for a baby........but its better to have him with me instead of someone else especially this early on.

The timing of his arrival is both wonderful and horrible.

No longer the unknown

 Last night i was sewing a cloth and bag for my cards and STRENGTH kept popping out of the deck.

I hear you.  I got it.  I understand.

The strange part is i can look at his picture and still feel love. I feel love for the feelings he evoked in me when he chose to.  And I also feel emotionally regulated now that I know it's done.  No more up and down, or having bombs thrown into my lap.  No more having to make difficult CONTRIVED choices.  

I can breathe.

I got a lot of work done yesterday and today I believe i will complete my project, on time.  I'm savouring it, not knowing if i'll ever be doing this particular program again.  I don't know what is coming down the pike at work, but i DO know I will roll with it for as long as it serves me.

I've decided to stay where i am given that choice.  There is no need to pursue MORE work at this point in my life.  I'm on the downside.....not crawling to the top.  Effort should be put into my family, my friends, my personal goals.

I feel like everything is going as it should.  Removing people who do not align with what my future is shaping up to be.  I am still open to change, to growth, to reaching my full ability.........but in my personal life.

It's time to re-evaluate and set goals for the next 5-10 years.

BUT today, i will finish my project at work and then i will begin my packing list for New Smyrna Beach.  I can't wait to go.  The friends that Ed introduced us to last year have already reached out so we can see them again.  I'm excited!

I did have a brief texting conversation with Ed where we tell each other everything - I say "you tell me yours and i tell you mine".......concerns about us being more than friends.  Neither concern is insurmountable and at the same time, very valid.  We are in different places of life.  Just because we are naturally easy with each other doesn't mean it should add up to romance.

But it's nice to think about it.  He is very demonstrative, very affectionate.  A good man.  And our friendship means the world to me.  I don't want to complicate it.

Florida is around the corner!  And Jen insists i'm going to Utah, period. End of story.  So that may happen too.  And.......My grandson will be making his appearance in July.  

Life is good.  And calm. 

Full Circle

 As willing as i was, am, to investigate alternative lifestyles, i'm not willing to throw myself to the wolves.

Through all my mistakes, i've grown and learned how to protect myself, how to take care of myself like the mother i never had.

I still consider the feelings of others but no longer above my own needs.

This experiment taught me that trusting myself is a good idea, that i will take care of me.  I requested counsel from 2 others that know me very well and they did not try to talk me out of anything yet they identified the pitfalls of what i was thinking about entering into:

Could i bring Mr. Cigar around my family?  My co-workers? My friends?  

Could i do the things i want to do after retirement with him?

Could i have my grandchildren visit me if i lived with him?

Could i make his home my home?

Could i depend on him?

Could i trust him?

The question that stuck out to me the most was regarding my grandchildren.  The answer was no.  I wouldn't be able to because of the dogs, the guns, the way he talks when he is in his head and the way he would criticize.  He wouldn't be a warm, generous grandfather type. My family would never feel like my home was theirs, because it wouldn't even be mine.

I like to fantasize that i could host holiday parties and have bonfires on weekends and have an open door policy for friends and family but that would NEVER be tolerated.  He would need to control it, comment on it, tear it apart because it wasn't his friends and family.

That is a no go.  I would become isolated the way she already is.  And he treats her horribly.  The whole situation being dropped on her as a ultimatum.  No gentleness, not regard for her feelings.  No conversation or compromise.  And his calling me and dropping it on me like it was my idea- and him actually BELIEVING it was just because we had previously discussed alternate lifestyles in the past.  Not for US, but that they existed.  We never discussed US doing it.  He has said he wanted both of us but it was never investigated further as a real concept.

He just blew everybody up and then stood back to see what happened.

He as much as admitted it to me yesterday when he called me, two hours before all three of us were to sit down, share a meal and discuss what this would potentially look like.  She had told him she had a list of  questions and he rolled his eyes at her.  Discounting her before we even started.

He called me drunk, driving home after being at the shooting club all day.  While her and I were mulling over in our heads the evening that was coming, he was not giving it a second thought.  Pounding down drinks with his buddies with not an ounce of respect for us.  When i pointed out he was drunk he became rude and loud of course denying it.

And this is how we were supposed to go into the evening?  No.  No thank you.

I don't care what his reasons were, they were more important than being present with two women who were willing to make a huge sacrifice to try and make it work with him.

The disrespect.

AND YET, i still drove to his home and arrived exactly at 6pm.  I sat in his driveway for 5 minutes trying to get ahold of both of them.  Calling, texting- to open the door.  Nothing.  I asked myself what the actual fuck was i doing there?  So i turned around and left.  

It was a loud and clear sign of things to come.  No matter the excuse or reasons.  His drunkness, (he had fallen asleep aka passed out) her being under his control....and losing everything in the process.

Dominant men take care of their spouse.  They protect them, nurture them, give them what they don't even know they need.  They pay attention to the details.  The do NOT disrespect and disregard the needs of the woman who has given herself to him with trust and love.

He is a joke.

I'm tired of making excuses for his behavior.  I had a fucked up childhood and i don't treat people badly.  I'm an adult.  With a heart.

Our last conversation ended when he called me "dumb".  His timing and his delivery was perfect.  Yes.  By putting him before myself, by tolerating and going along with his bullshit....i was indeed dumb.  By giving up my peace for a man and accepting chaos back into my life, by seeing how he treats her and her feelings, by even considering giving up everything i have worked to achieve, i was indeed dumb.  So i hung up on him. 

And that, is the end of this story.  I followed it through and i closed the door when he showed me who he is, and what my future would look like.

It doesn't mean i am now going after Ed.  It doesn't mean i'm looking to date.  I have a full summer ahead of me with my grandson being born, spending time in NY with my girls, and vacationing with friends.

My life is full.  My life is good.  And I will not entertain anyone who cannot add to it.

The cards that jumped out of hand this morning were Strength and reversed 5 of swords.