i have to document so..........

 Bills case was continued again without a plea. 

I don't want to go into the fact that i'm learning more about criminal court than i ever wanted to know..........but here is the bottom line for me:

Her case with him is kept separate from my case, even if he has the same attorney handling both, even if they are both scheduled for the same dates, even if her case has him going to family relations officer and mine is just awaiting plea.

blah blah too much information for me to digest honestly.

Her case is separate from mine.  She can drop changes, her case can be dismisssed, it does not mean mine will be.

Good.

Because i'm quite sure they are back together and if they aren't they will be eventually.  I'm sure i'm the big bad wolf in their story......the one i got dragged into.

I actually hope they do reconcile and live in toxic happily ever dramatic after so that neirther one can bother anyone else with their bullshit ever again.

But that didn't stop them before, right?

I just sympathise with any man or woman who has the poor luck of getting involved with either one of them.

The victim advocate asked me if i wanted him to be criminally charged.  Yep.  I do.  Even if he is nothing will happen to him.  Aside from him having a record that he earned.  I know he won't serve time, this is Connecticut.  People do so much worse and walk away with no time to go back out and do it again......with no time served.

Do i think he deserves jail?  I don't know.  I don't care.  I don't have any personal vested interest in him serving time.  What i want is for him to never contact me again.  

I can get a "standing protective order" but even that is not permanent.  No, i can't apply to renew every time it expires.  Apparently, i will never get this man out of my life unless he does something drastic.  I can't get off this roller coaster.  I can't just forget him because he will always be there, lurking and waiting.

I've tried so many times.  This is how our system is set up.  No permanent protective orders........why?  It costs noone anything unless he violates, which he will.  I know he will.

My not responding or answering him feeds his desire to get me to respond.  He isn't well.  And if i do respond thats even worse.

I'm projecting.  Because i have over a year of drama into this never ending situation.

I dont' want it intruding on my happiness.  This is another reason i want to move in with Tom.........eventually.  

It's amazing really, how fast the ex goes away when you are living with another man.  

My ex husband hasn't been heard from since i moved in with my bf at the time......tada!  

i'm upset, my stomache is upset and i'm angry i have to deal with protecting myself possibly in court.  Because now that i know i can't get a permanent protective order......I want him to go away to jail.  He won't.  But i want him to.

How do people do it

My rent goes up consistently every year and its more than what my raises are.  The cost ofe everything is high and all i've been doing is making minium payments on all credit cards.  Which is stupid, and yet all i can seem to do.

Insurance?  I've never had a ticket or an accident that was my fault and i'm paying 250 a month premium.

How is that even possible.

I just can't seem to get my head above water.  I'm slowly sinking.

Something has to change.   

I've looked for cheaper rent, my car is as cheap as it gets and at 4cylinders its the least gas sucker possible.  I've stopped using my cards, but thats because most were at the limit anyway.  I'm behind in a few bills, not an entire month but enough to make me wonder how i'm going to catch up.

And i live lean.  I only go away a couple times a year and it's never a big expensive trip like the cruise was, and Jen paid for that.  Much to my embarrassment and appreciation.  

I owe money to Eddie from our  trip to florida.

I owe, i owe, and if i get a second job again i'll be working for free because it kicks me into a higher tax bracket.........what am i supposed to do?

I have a great job and take home 55$ of my paycheck because of taxes and all the other blood suckers i can't opt out of.  That seems extreme.

Here' a crazy thought.  I need a roommate or to share my expenses.  I can't do that in this apartment, even though i love it.  Something has to give.

I have to be with Tom for a year before i'll think about moving in with him.  If we last that long, if things go well, if our families and friends are supportive.  

Its so tempting to push it, but i know that speed in situations like this only end up costing me money and a high failure rate.  I know i've become used to living alone and sharing my space with others, especially someone elses teenagers........is something to take a lot of time thining about.

But i am.  Not only due to finances but because i can picture it.  I can see paying a lot less than i do now in bills, being able to pay off debt, turning my car in for a vehicle I actually want to drive - and sleep in......because I want the ability to travel on a moments notice.  I want to go stay in NY with my daughter, and in wallingford with my son, milford, cromwell.....the list goes on.  I can stay in my vehicle.  I will mentally have freedom.

Tom is thinking about it too.  He is handling things on his end.  I don't envy him.  There is a lot that can go wrong and right.  Either way it will be change.  Big change.

And that takes time to consider.  My shock is that i am.  Considering.  

that kind of woman

 i love it when a man tells me what kind of woman i am.

Like he's trying to convince me.

My ex husband didn't speak to me for a week when i got my first tattoo.  He said i wasn't that kind of woman.  Seems like a stupid thing to say when i have a brand new tattoo on my body.  It seems that i very much am that kind of woman. duh.

I purposely baited him by coming home 2 weeks later with a fake nose ring.  When he saw me his face turned stormy "take it out".........I laughed so hard i just about peed my pants, as i showed him it wasn't a real piercing.

But the message was clear.  He thought he could tell me what i was going to do with my own body.  And not only that, but that he had a RIGHT.  Foolish man.

Others have tried as well.......the guy who on our first date told me he would pay to have my hair dyed......when my grey/white hair was my crowning glory.  I LOVE MY HAIR and this man had the nerve to not only comment, but suggest a solution so that i would be more palatable to him.  For christ sake.  The stupidity.

Incidentally, since i started hormone replacement therapy my hair is turning colors again and getting darker.  The white is almost gone.  I'm sad.  But it's my natural hair and i'm sticking with it. My body knows what it's supposed to do.  I'm not letting some marketing executive tell me i have to color what is mine just to make other people think i'm younger. As if younger is better?  Perhaps in some ways, but not all.  Not the ways i care about at this point in my life.

Back to the stupid people.

Every man has had an opinion on something to do with my body and not in a flattering "i love this about you" way.  But it's not only my body, but my thoughts, my feelings.......that some have tried to tell me about.

because they are so smart and i am so not in tune with my own thoughts and feelings.........okay.

Says the single men who aren't aging gracefully and desperately trying to stay young.....because i'm taking advice from YOU? 

Bill was always after me to lose wieght and to tone up.  Our walks were never together.  It was him telling me to hurry up and get my heart rate up so i would burn calories........what fun.  AND he would tell me i wasn't the kind of woman that wanted to be treated well.  

I should have ran the first time he said that........oh wait, i did.  Apparently he thought i also wanted a stalker who couldn't stand anything about me.  Which is what he was.

Today is his court date......again.   I'm waiting to see what plea is entered on the judicial website.  I already know.  My only interest is to keep this protective order in place.  Forever if possible.  I want this man to never have legal access to me again and if he ever talks to me or comes near me in any way i want him to go to jail.  Stay away from me.  It's not hard.  But i know he won't unless he has something to lose.

When i see the light, it shines brightly.  You don't get to hurt my dog, or me.  You don't get to put us in a situation where we are in fear from YOU.  Never again will i ever speak to that man, or look in his face or acknowledge him in any way.  Dead to me.  

And yes, i'm afraid of him.  As i should be.

He told me i'm not the kind of woman that likes flowers, or having my hand held.  He said i wasn't the kind of woman that wanted to hear "i love you".....and guess what....... From him, i didn't.  

From many men i've gone on dates with, I didn't.  I didn't want fake contact or to be used.

I want real.

And Tom is giving me that every single day.  When we can't see each other he calls me consistantly and we never want to get off the phone.  Minimum 3 times a day.  I look forward to his calls and i know he does too.  

When we are together, he always takes my hand.  If we are walking, or in the car, he always reaches for my hand and holds it.  Always. He opens doors for me, always.  Even the car door.  I never touch a handle when i'm with him.  Consistantly.  Every Single Time. It's not an act. He takes care of me, he is always aware of where i am.

When we thrift i wander and yet he always knows where i am. 

I am the kind of woman that wants and has a real traditional man.  A hard working, committed man.  

THAT is the kind of woman i am, and it's no wonder i haven't found a man like that before reconnecting with him.  because he never tells me what kind of woman i am, or how i feel or what i want.  He just naturally gives me everything i need and lets me be myself.  Always. 

Weekend stuff

I haven't been trick or treating since my kids did it when they were little.

This year, I went with Tom and his son and son's friend. They walked around hitting up candy and we stood in the street trying to keep track of them.  Tom had parked the car and then we walked for a couple of hours around a huge neighborhood in Massachusetts (where they live) and these people know how to Halloween.  Most houses had whole yards decorated, some with music, most with lights - bon fires in the front yards, movies playing against garage doors.........it was very festive!  I kept thinking how much fun my kids would have had in a neighborhood like this trick or treating.

One man approached us and asked if we were old enough to vote.  I looked at Tom like "oh no a politician" and they started laughing as the guy held out a pumpkin filled with ice and nippers......praise jesus.  Now that is how to do it.

I'm thinking next year i'd like to set up a projector against the building showing Nightmare Before Christmas, and decorate in front of my apartment, get dressed up and hand out candy.  I can't have a fire, but i can have a pretend cauldron with dry ice....No one decorated for halloween in our neighborhood.  Maybe i can be the sunflower witch!  "that lady grows sunflowers, has Captain Spaulding hanging in her window and dresses up like a witch on halloween"

And walks barefoot in the snow, and collects Buddha figurines. If her windows are open you can hear 70's love songs, mixed with 90's rap and death metal ..........or a nice acustic Fleetwood Mac with Bob Welch before Stevie joined..........you never know.

But i digress.

I peed in a gas station bathroom.  By that time, it was a glorious sight.  

After we dropped the boys at home, we went back to my place and relaxed then to bed.  I woke up around 1am to a kiss on my head, hearing him leave.  I wasn't happy about it.  Felt like a temper tantrum, but then he texted me that his son needed a ride.

This is where i start thinking about if i can handle a man who is the sole support of his teenage boys and so my reaction was not simply about him leaving in the middle of the night.  It was all the things it will represent.  We talked about it the next day, Sunday, and he told me next time he will wake me up and i can keep him company.  I agreed.  Solved. 

I'm really not selfish, but i don't know how to navigate this.

He is worth it.

He's a better father than i was a mother.  

Later in the day he and the boys came and picked me up, then we went thrifting in Ct and MA.....The man was exhausted.  He took us out to dinner, and then i forced him to come in and get a power nap in my room while the boys and I watched south park.  They are both so different and yet both so like their father.  We chit chatted, and then Tom woke up and they went home.

It was a lovely weekend.  Last night Tom told me that the boys talked about me all the way home and told him to keep me.  I think thats good.  I'm quite sure it isn't my cooking.

what is intimacy?

 I think shutting my eyes and falling asleep next to a man is intimate.

There's literally no reason to sleep.  Get up, go home.   Live your life.

I honestly haven't enjoyed having a man i barely know spend the night with me just because we had sex.  I had my eyes open, I was aware of every move..........sleeping with someone means your gaurd is down.  Waking up to someone the next morning.......i can tell a lot about how i feel by those first few moments and the quality of sleep i had next to him.

That said.  

Bill never spent the night here, but i spent the night at his house several times.  The first, was because we had imbibed quite a bit of alcohol, so i wouldnt call it sleeping.  Also, that man wasn't capable of having sex so......it was so i didn't drive drunk.  Sorry. It's true.

Any other nights i spent there were immediately following us reuniting (as you recall, that happened quite a bit) The one night stay over and then back to business as usual.  I really think he was sent to me so i could see just how much i HAD NOT learned about trying to be loved.

You can't make someone love you.

I tried that with Darryl.  Over and over again. He loved my love.  He did not love me in the way that a man wants to protect and nurture a woman he loves.  Keep her safe from harm and hurt.......Many times he was the cause of my harm and hurt.  And then it would be my fault

Which it was, because i wasn't strong enough or smart enough to walk away and be on my own......which i always was anyway, while being loyal to him.  I just wanted him to love me back.  

You can't make someone love you.

Carlos.........he told me straight off, the first time he invited me to his home "bring an overnight bag because you are staying"  We would stay up all night.  Watching movies, playing games, smoking, drinking, and having outstanding sex.  He wanted it as much as i did.  He just wasn't in love.  And i was seeing him as the perfect man.    

You can't make someone love you.

I did have the opportunity to ask him why years later.....he said I was fun, he liked me a lot, but he just didn't love me.  It was that simple.  

It's what i've been chasing my whole life and every time i think i don't need it, a man enters into the picture.

I knew Bill and i were a temporary thing because it was Bill.  And i had gotten to the point that i no longer felt excited to see him, i didn't want to be at his gorgeous home, and i didn't want to do the things he wanted to do.  I found more wrong with us than right........but i had to see it through to my bottom line.  

When someone shows you they don't care about you, believe them.

You can't make someone love you.

No one can love you better than yourself.

Tom.  He is good to me.  It's only been two months.  It's been a juggling act for him, working a new job second shift that he doesn't know if he wants to keep doing, or if he wants to keep that shift.  He has wonky hours compared to the boys and I.  And he is the one taking care of groceries and bills (he still pays in person) and household stuff.  He is raising he sons, who are his priority.

All honorable.  All respectable.

And yet, i realize this is the reason i don't date men with children still at home.

Last night we went out trick or treating with his youngest and his friend.  We walked for miles and hours and had a blast.  Then we brought the boys home and headed back to my place where he was to spend the night and we were going to spend the day together today.

But his youngest asked him what they were doing tomorrow.  And i could tell he was conflicted.  So i naturally said it was okay, we could all hang out.

I should't have made it so easy to break plans with me without an emergency.

Last night i felt him kiss my head, heard him walking around and then heard my door close.  Then his camaro started up and he left.  I lay there wondering if he had ever really planned on staying.  I had the feeling he wouldn't make it through the night and i had mentioned it to him.

I felt tricked.  Come home, have a snack, have sex, go to sleep and wake up alone.  Normally this would sound absolutely lovely.

But it's Tom.  And i have feelings.  And i believe him that he does too.  

His oldest texted him that he was at a party and needed a ride home.  So he left.  Nothing wrong with that.  Except i felt some kind of way that made me feel like a selfish bitch.

He had to go get his son, and drive home a girl his son met, and bring his son home.  It wasn't that they were intoxicated.  The kid needed a ride.  

That didn't and still doesn't sit right with me.  But, i'm not the mother.  This is what dating a man with kids is.

Today he will sleep in, because he was up most of the night.  PERHAPS he will want to come see me tonight. 

I'm not feeling it.  I'm not here to fill your sex needs (which i also have) and then be pushed to the back burner.  Thats what i felt like.  Because he didn't come back.  I'm sure he was tired.  He didn't wake me and ask me to go with him, because i'm sure he was  trying to be nice to me.......but all i feel is that he never intended to stay in the first place and he could have just told me that.

I keep asking him to stay the night, the boys aren't alone, and he doesn't have to go into work until late afternoon weekdays.  But he hasn't.

Why.

Does he need to be home so his............roommate..........(here we go again) doesn't know he is out all night?  

But why would he have me so involved with his boys?

I have hit my first mountain to climb with Tom.  Everyone has a complicated life, but I do something about my complications when i know it's keeping me from living.

It's only been two months. 

Flu and GLP1

 I don't advise taking both of these shots on the same day.

Side affects from my GLP1 are faigue in the extreme, like it's difficult to keep my eyes open yet my sleep is disruptive.  I can't STAY asleep and i can't STAY awake either.  Last night i went to bed by 8pm knowing Tom woud call me around 10ish on his way home from work.  So i got a few hours of solid sleep but the rest of the night was a shit show.

Even Koda was disturbed.  Every time i woke up he was on the side of the bed looking up at me. No wonder i'm beat today.\

I've been re-organizing my crafting stuff again.  Consolidating and making it easier to grab and go in one shot.  It makes me more likely to actually work on projects.  I told Tom to bring his project, what he can, so he can work on hiss stuff and we can still spend time together.

Thats the thing.  He always comes to me because of his living situation.  I like having him and also the boys sometimes spend time here but it seems unfair to him.  He has things he needs to get done too, and projects he wants to work on (stay tuned we are expanding that together) but because of his living situation i can't go there.

I asked him where she thinks he and the boys are when they are here........she doesn't ask,  Doesn't care.  That wouldn't fly with me. The boys are never in a hurry to leave, which says a lot too.   It's definitely not a happy home nor has it been for a very long time.  I just can't imagine my whole family disapearing every weekend OVERNIGHT and not caring enough to even ask?

There always has to be some kind of conflict or complication .  As much as i stay out of it, by being nuetral when the boys talk, or Tom talks about how their life has been lived for the past 10 years....The trauma that has occurred.......because of drug use and the people who are addicted.  Not sure why these people have kids (my ex, his life in) so selfish.  

In the meantime, and it won't be for a long time, i'm remaining quiet.  I'm just watching how this all plays out and paying attention.

We have an overnight away planned in November with the boys. They haven't stopped talking about it since i brought it up. Tom says they never did things like that before as a family.  It's always been him and his boys.  Just them.

I'm not looking to save anyone but at the same time, all i have to do is live the life i'm already living and include them......it's easy on my end, and apparently easy for them too.  I worry that they will feel conflicted and at the same time it's not fair they haven't experienced a family night away....

But seriously

 To be in love with someone you only started dating 2 months ago is kinda crazy.  Is it because we both spent an entire school year wanting each other and knowing it couldn't happen?  Or that we thought of each other as "the one who got away" for 40 years?  

I never knew the feeling was mutual.  He knew i had a boyfriend, so that was that.  I knew i had a boyfriend, so that was that.  Neither pursued.  No bad karma.

We go off and live our lives, have our hearts broken (in almost the same way) and have our kids with people who shouldn't have been parents.  We lived mirror lives.  Not surprising, as drug use destroys many relationships. I went through my experience earlier than he did, and that gives me a very good understanding of what is happening with him now.

I think i'm walking in Darryl's shoes in a way.  How do you start dating someone who has teens and a parent that is absent even if physically present?  Sometimes.  And when they are, it's mayhem and upset because of the drugs.  What is your place?  What are your boundaries? How attached do you get to kids who aren't yours?

Darryl.  My son laughs at me when i tell him i'm friends with him.  I think he has very strong feelings about how i was treated, the suffering i went through, and he's not likely to forget.  My daughter,  i wish i knew how she felt .....she took it to heart when we broke up because of how.  He basically threw us all away to go chase Carolines tail.  And look how that turned out.  

Another relationship destroyed due to drug use.  His and hers, ours was because he had a wandering eye.  

I'm seeing a full circle affect here....understanding different views from experience that is allowing me to remain nuetral in a way.  To be cautious.  I know there are pitfalls and people aren't perfect.  

I mean, i'm in love with a man who lives with a woman he hates, who is dying from smoking and previous drug use BUT is the mother of his boys.  She sleeps all the time.  Ignores doctors orders.  He lives in fear that one of his kids will be the one to find her dead on the couch.  

I know what it feels like to live with someone who doesn't care if they live or die and does everything possible TO die right in front of your eyes.  And to have it thrown in your face so much that you start to wish they would.  That if they hate life so much, and only seem to find pleasure in ruining the lives everyone around them.  It' hard to be compassionate when their selfishness is affecting so many lives caught in their web due to whats "right" and "obligation"l.......two things they know nothing about.

Sometimes i want to be that hot girl mess that has a man take care of me.  Even if he hates me.  So what?  He'll keep a miserable roof over my head and thats life.  

No fucking way.  Not me.  Not ever.  I'd live in a boxx on the street first.

But i have no addictions  So theres that.

all good times must come to an end

 

This weekend was fun in a normal, relaxed way that i can see myself sinking into and making a way of life.

Saturday early afternoon Tom came over and took me to lunch and then went to Best Buy to get a laptop.  We got some time alone to talk about probably everything under the sun- then he went to pick up the boys while i snuck in a nap.  Once he came back with the boys we ordered chinese food and Tom and i went to pick it up.  We ate, cleaned up and then watched the Rob Zombie Halloween movie........which i promptly fell asleep during.

I kept waking myself up snoring so i told Tom if i started again to wake me up.......which he had to do several times before i gave up and we went to bed.

The man gives me quite a workout if you get my meaning.  The downside is that all i want to do is sleep after.

The next morning i made breakfast as everyone woke up slowly.  I had a housefull of hungry males.  They were so thankful for scrambled eggs and toast that it made me feel like i had done something magical.  The boys helped me clean up and then we left for an hour ride to the flea market.

We spent a few hours there, and i managed to not buy anything, or let Tom buy me anything.  I need nothing.  I just had fun when the boys showed us there booty........young men buy interesting things.  Toms youngest has a knife collection so he found his next one.  

Once we got back to the house, Tom took a nap on the couch and i made the boys a snack.  We played with Koda and chit chatted as we scrolled through TV.  Adam asked me which knife was my favorite and i picked a small green one......he gave it to me.  I told him i didn't want to break up his collection but he insisted.  I think that was the sweetest thing.  He must think i'm acceptable.

Toms oldest hung out with me in the kitchen while i did some cleaning up.  He talked about his mom, venting about some of his concerns and i listened and made the appropriate faces and noises so he knew he was being heard.  I can't put my opinion into this......it's not appropriate.  No matter what she is their mother and i will never say a word against her to Tom or the boys.  I am neutral and "safe" I'm glad Nick felt comfortable to vent to me.  He apologized for talking too much and told him i would alway s be happy to listen.  No worries.

So it appears we are bonding.

And now the stakes are higher because it's not just Tom.  It's a whole second family and that isn't to be taken lightly.  

Tom is so demonstrative and loving while at the same time, not taking any of my shit.  I felt he was running late coming to see me and i got irritated and told him so.  He said "Whats the probem?" in a way that made my tummy tickle.  He knowds EXACTLY how to handle me. A weenie he is NOT.  But he isn't mean to me in order to keep his alpha status.  He just takes care of me in every way.

I'm in love.  

still quietly waiting

 I can't help it.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  He's too perfect.  It's like he was made for me.  Like we were made for each other.

The situation we are in right now?  I wouldn't be in with anyone else.  He has kids that are still at home, a 17 year old and a 13 year old.  I usually avoid men with children.  I dont want to deal with the baby mama drama, or the push and pull of their schedules and things i want to do.  But with him, it seems easy so far.  His kids are his priority, but he never makes me feel like i come second.  I feel just as important.  And knowing how much he loves them, that makes me feel VERY loved and taken care of.

I know when i'm attracted to a man because i won't be able to keep my hands off him.  But with him, I want to cook for him (and his boys) I want to make sure he's comfy when he's at my house and feels spoiled with my attention.  I want to take care of him.

Thats not usual.  That is for men i've loved.  He makes me feel so wanted so special that i want him to feel the same way.  I'm not doing things for his attention or to prove i'm worthy.  I want to.  I need to. 

He calls me every day on his way in to work.......and on his break.  And then he calls me on his way home and says goodnight.  He's doing the pattern things that annoy the shit out of me when it's from a man i think is dating multiple women.

I'm gushing.

gross.

He also brings me flowers sometimes, always a small gift of some type - and treats me.  I never pay for anything. Maybe a coffee here and there and i have to sternly tell him i got it.  

It's nice to feel peace.  comfort.  like i'm cared for and don't have to worry about if he's betraying me behind my back.

how long will it last though?  I'm trying not to think about the future it will be here soon enough.  But i find myself becoming comfortable and used to his treatment and if he changes it up and becomes a jerk all of a sudden it will suck.

But..........i know this time not to waste years of my life on a man who treats me poorly.  So i'm going to try and enjoy all this goodness while it lasts or for the rest of our lives.

because it makes me feel good to make him happy too.  It's a two way street. 

lets talk about whats his face

 he used to hate that i wrote about him in my blog.  I never should have told him, but considering how often he was the star, i thought it only fair to let him know.

I'm not hard to find if someone wanted to find this blog.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, i've never been with a man (before Tom) who took any interest in anything i have been writing.  Maybe because i'm not a great writer? or they just didn't care to know.

I think it's the latter.  I've only been with men who cared about themselves and put me in the afterthought pile.  If i wasn't serving my purpose, then i was nothing more than a pain in the ass.

It's nice now.  It's nice to be appreciated and praised for attributes i never even noticed as a notable.  Even if Tom and I don't work out.......he's teaching me the qualities I love in a man.  Ones that i will never go without while with a man.   Ever. Again.

Okay so this morning i'm all over the rails.  Lots of work to do.  Found out my checking account is in the red, figured out why.......my fault as usual.  I have to get my finances under control.  One moment of not paying attention and it all goes to shit.  Missing Tom.  Waiting for the Bill outcome in court. Becoming angry at my daughter for not bothering to respond to me anymore.  So many things flying around and hitting the wall.

Finances.  Tom will help me figure it out.  He's good with money.  I have to get over the embarrassment of not being good at money.  It's not laziness as much as fear. regardless of why, i need to get over it and get my shit straight.  Hitting 60 in a couple of years and would like to have a decent credit score and savings maybe?

We/he is buying a laptop this weekend for me to use.  I'm going to record all my finances in a file and keep daily track.  Then hopefully he will review with me.  The purpose of the laptop is a few business adventures we are considering so we can work for ourselves.  He's got the skills and i've got the knowledge of computers and websites.............it's a good match.  He's the maker, i'm the doer.  When someone is in it with me. 

Bill.  He went to court on 10/16 for the arrests and apparently he didn't plead, and his case got pushed to November.  I go on the judicial website about once a week to check if anything has changed.  He really fucked himself by hitting me and Koda.  The man apparently thought i had no limits, no boundaries.......which admittedly were soft with him. Until he hit me.  That solidifies everything.  He didn't care for me, protect me .......and i needed protection FROM him.  Done.  Now i watch his cases with me and his ex.  I want the protective order to stay in place forever......which would mean he will never have his guns back.  I want him to NEVER contact me again in any way shape or form because i know, and have been a victim of his silver tongue.  He is a con artist.  A very good con artist.  He brought me nothing but chaos. 

My son came as close to yelling at me as he ever does when i told him and his wife what had happened.  (the short short version)  He wanted to know what i expected when i was dating a man who owned not one, but TWO war dogs.  Thats what he called the cane corsos.......He said what kind of man keeps war dogs as pets.  

I can't argue.

My daughter.  I went shopping for the kids and bought them clothes.  I sent pictures to my daughter inquiring about sizes because i picked up a leather jacket and a UConn sweatjacket for my granddaughter.  Nothing.  Not a word.  I do not exist in her list of people to speak to. I talked to my son about it, and he was very vague.  The strangest thing is that she has not yet met her nephew.  Something isn't right.  She has completely withdrawn. And taken my granddaughter with her.  

I have to seriously consider what to do.  My son thought sitting outside her apartment waiting for her to come home without announcing my visit first is a horrible idea that she would hate.

I have her not responding so i guess we would be even.

all or nothing

 Work can be so slow sometimes and then all of a sudden everything is on fire.

I've learned how to pay attention to the important fires.  There is a hierarchy and my boss always comes first.  Not previous bosses, and certainly not people who act as if i don't exist until they need something explained.

The program i fell in love with and worked with my now retired boss with for a pleasant 2 years no longer feels like mine.  And if it's not mine, i can't own it.  I go through the motions knowing there is a whole department working against me that doesn't feel the need to clue me in, so when they send me nasty condescending emails asking me a question....

They aren't the first on my list to respond to.

I'm a ghost, remember?  

I'm taking on a lot more in my new role and when the powers that be decided they were going to play games, and that i'd play along.........it was a mistake.

On paper, i "belong" to my boss.  And that is the only one i answer to.  Everyone else, not associated with him, or his work...........is a courtesy in my eyes.  

When something is "mine" and then it isn't......i detach.  

I'm not associated "technically" with the program that I RUN?  Who thought that was a good idea?  

I miss Tom when he's not around.  I mean, really miss him.  I don't worry about what he's doing, or who he's doing it with because he tells me during the course of regular conversation what his plans are.  I don't have to ask, he just talks to me about his life.  What a concept.  And when i do ask questions, he actually answers me.  He doesn't ignore the question, or get defensive.

He likes telling me about his day and his life. He likes listening to my day and thoughts and he even asks appropriate questions because he's listening to me.  Again.  What a concept.

He tells me everything will work out.  We remind each other to be patient.  Slow and steady.  There are a lot of details to consider.  Time will show us the way.  In the meantime, he is stuck on second shift, where his boys and I never get to see him.  It's temporary.  So in the meantime, we talk several times a day on the phone, and text sometimes.  We see each other on Saturday and Sunday, with and without the boys.

The plan this weekend.....yes, we have a plan and it's only Tuesday (what a concept) is for a sleepover Saturday night and spend the day flea market shopping on Sunday.  

It's nice to think about what food i need to buy to feed these men.....to know we will have dinner together at home.  my home.  I want them to be comfortable.  Tom already told me he is giving me money for groceries.....his boys eat a LOT.

So it's not looking like a typical relationship because it's not. He makes sure to get time alone with me, and then we include the boys as well - Time.  In time.  Time will tell once everyone gets comfortable with each other.

He's a good father.  His boys are sociable, funny, kind.....and typical boys.  The love their dad.  It's obvious.  And that is nice to see. It means he takes family seriously and that he takes me seriously.  He treats me like a valued member of his life.

No ass kissing. No faking.  He gets cranky about work and traffic just like anyone else.  He's real.  i'm loving this journey.

nice to hear

 Yesterday Tom told me how proud he is to be with me. 

I mean, there was more to it.......but that was the point.  And he said the words.  He is proud to be with me.  

No one has ever said that to me.  My parents, my friends, my family, previous lovers........I cannot recall one person ever telling me they are proud of me.

Maybe someone did, but if so, i don't remember it.

It made me feel warm all over.  And kind of like crying.  But not in a boo hoo way.  

Yeah.  I had no idea I was so starved until I was fed.

This morning walking in to work I saw a co-worker i'm friendly with waiting at the elevator.  I said "Good Morning" bright and cheery and the man in front of me turned around with such a surprised expression.  His whole face lit up and he smiled and said good morning!  Then I saw the realization that i had been talking to my co-worker hit his face.  I said to him, "isn't it a gorgeous day?"  And his smile returned.  He said, "have you ever mistaken a wave meant for someone else to be yours?"  And I told him, "If i see it, it's meant for me too" and he got such a chuckle.  We told each other to have a nice day and went our ways.

The way that mans face had lit up at the idea of "good morning"..........I think maybe he is starved as well.  Maybe there isn't enough pleasantries in peoples day anymore.

From now on, when i walk down the halls at work i am going to greet everyone with eye to eye contact, a smile, and a "good morning" or a "good afternoon".  That will be the small change i make in my day to day behavior.

I will see people.  And let them see me, see them.  

and so it continues

 I wasn't crazy about the idea of having to support my new boss in a capacity that i did not support my "old" boss.  I worked very independently on my own deliverables and when everyone assumed i'd be the one to support the new guy........i wasn't happy.

He literally fought to have me support him.

I told him i knew nothing more about his position than he did, that i had not supported his predecessor in that role.

I was also afraid that my whole purpose here would be to cater to the new guy.

Gratefully, he is easy to work with.  He likes everything neat, tidy, organized and to flow.  Thats what i do for him.  Mostly his calendar.  And i still have my own deliverables.  I'm still working idependently.

I'm at the point in my life that i work from home twice a week, and i'm in the office 3 days.  I come in early and leave when i'm done.  The clock doesn't rule my world anymore.  I'm not a clock puncher, watching the time until i can go.  

I do love my work.

Most of the time.

And now, Tom.  We both get distracted with work.  His new job, my continuously changing job. 

His life is still very busy.  Mine is whatever i want it to be.  My time out of work is my time.

This weekend we are shopping for a laptop for him.  Or me?  He's buying it, so i can open accounts for him.  We are going to see if we can sell his sexy feet.

I'm not kidding.  There's a market.  He has really nice feet.  Why not?  I may throw my "unique" feet into the mix and see what shakes out.  People have all kinds of fetishes and when i told him some would pay to see his feet, even buy his socks........he was fascinated.

This man has not entered the internet universe.  I'm not sure i want him there.  He doesn't want anything to do with it and wants me to handle it.  With the computer he's buying.   

He has the spirit of an entrepreneur.  I have the ideas.  I love that we've already found a project to experiment with.

Sooooo glad we are too old for an only fans.....which i haven't told him about.  His head my pop off. He is truly a traditional, old fashioned man.........and here i am, ruining him.

I reached out to my son last night and i get to go see them Friday.  I'm showing up without gifts.  Just me.  And then next week I will be more forceful with seeing Lindsay.  

What is there to say

 I don't have much that i want to write about so that tells me i'm feeling pretty good.

I have my moments.  But they pass.  I'm mostly very content.  I'm in a new/old relationship that is slowly unfolding.  It has it's complications, as do most adult in their 50's do.......there have been whole lives before us.  I love the way he treats me.  Not over the top, not sickening, not nice enough that i want to smack him.........not fake.

I believe him.  I trust him.  I don't see red flags anywhere, and i'm not ignoring concerning behavior.  I'm not talking myself into loving him.

I'm just enjoying his consistency, the fact that he has a life he attends to but makes room for me.  Aside from his kids, he makes me a priority.  Happily.  Not grudgingly.  And he doesn't announce it looking for a medal ....he just does it.  I watch his actions and i see how much i mean to him.

Saturday was such a great day.  He and his boys came and picked up Koda and I and we went to Sleeping Giant to walk up the mountain.  The boys took off, as boys do, and we made our way up at a steady and enjoyable pace.  One where we could talk, laugh, look at things......he showed me where the different paths were to get to the rock climbing...he even convinced me that the next time we go, just he and I, we will use some of those paths and he will help me if needed.  

He thinks i can do things, and that makes me think i can do things.  And when i tell him how uncoordinated i am, how little i know how to use my body.....he says he will help me.  And he does.  Without attitude, without making fun of me. We took pictures, and at the top at the castle we took pictures of us and the kids, i made sure to take many of him and his boys.  

His boys.  They are good kids.  Happy, cordial, polite, talkative, open, well behaved.......eager to know me and open to my very surface questions.  He doesn't need me to be a step mom.  He is doing a fantastic job on his own.  I'm leaning on my memories of how Darryl used to treat my kids and i'm following that path.  An adult that cares about them, not an authoritarian, but also not exactly a "friend".  Because they are part of Tom, they will be folded into my world also, and hopefully we can have our own relationships.  

Without telling too much that isn't mine to tell.........their mother is unwell.  Very unwell.  And it hasn't been an easy road for any of them. 

So when she began texting them Saturday night to tell them she was home from the hospital, i knew it was going to make them feel torn.  They were supposed to all spend the night.  We had gone hiking all day, and came back to my place and made a huge batch of tacos for dinner.  Then they picked a scary movie to watch (and it was scary)....they would have put another on but i asked  them if they wanted to go home and see their mom.

I said we should postpone the sleepover, they hadn't seen her in a week.  And they jumped at it.  Tom was disapointed, i could tell, but it was the right thing.  I could tell they didn't want to go, but at the same time did want to go.  

I feel like i should be the soft landing for them.  There are enough hard truths in their young lives.  I fucked it all up when my kids were teens.  I wasn't empathetic to their struggles of all the changes we were going through, i was so scared, so worried about survival and trying to make a new life (yes, with a man) that i was insensitvie to their needs.  Yes they were teenagers who wanted to spend time with their friends, but i should have been there more consistently, even if it meant spending nights and weekends alone waiting for them to come home.

Instead, they waited for me.  And it is my only regret.

So when Tom starts showing he is struggling between his wants, which is to be there for his boys and to be with me.....i remind him that i'm not going anywhere.  They are growing up and soon enough they will have their own lives and getting that time with them might be difficult.

Its why i've told him that the boys are always welcome.....implied in every invitation to come over, or go out and do something.  I'm the new person.  

He has a way of speaking to me that makes me feel very cared for.  Example.  I had told him that i couldn't find pineapple spears in coconut water at my Aldis anymore.  That either they were no long stocking them or someone was buying them up before i could get there.  Yesterday he was shopping with Adam and he called me to tell me he found them. How many jars did i want?

A passing comment and he remembered to look.  

He showed up with a dozen roses Saturday.

He asks me questions when i'm telling him stories.  He TALKS to me and tells me stories about his past as well.

He is outstanding in the sack.  Sorry, had to say it.  It's nice to be with a man who can actually have sex and do it well.  Seems like so many have ED or some kind of health problems, and who knows? Maybe he will someday also, but NOW he doesn't and i'm sure as hell taking advantage of that.

He is romantic, traditional, smart, dependable........He offered to get me out of debt and then i could pay him monthly with no interest.......I declined, of course.  But he has mentioned several times that he would help me improve my credit rating.  

I feel taken care of.  Not controlled.  I feel valued, not used.

And when thats all i want to write about, i guess i tend to keep positive emotions to myself.  Maybe i don't want to have to eat my words if something changes, or if a new side of him emerges that isn't attactive.....i don't want to feel stupid.

But i do trust him, and he does make me very happy.  And apparently vice versa. And for once in my life i would like to trust that feeling.

I'm working on it. 

Never before

 Have i been so openly cared for and wanted - publically.  

Every day he surprises me again with his ability to communicate and his willingness to talk to me about anything and everything.  He tells me what his day looks like before i even can ask.  He shares his thoughts with me.  He listens to what i tell him and remembers stories i've told him.

Like a man who really cares about me, and is interested in getting to know me in detail.

It's not an instant relationship  because it can't be right now.  But I have never felt so natural, at ease and calm with someone and been extremely turned on by him at the same time.

Usually it's one or the other.  I'm not willing to go without either ever again now that he has shown me it IS possible and i'm not being too picky or asking too much.

I can't stop looking at him, touching him when he's near me, hugging him spontaneously (because HE HUGS ME too) and the grab and kiss move.  Yes it's the honeymoon period.  But with all the dating i've done, it's never been like this.

There are no red flags.  Even though he has two young men, his sons, that he is still raising.  He started late.  The boys have met me, and we've spent time together.  He told me he isn't looking for a mother for them, they have one.  But it's important that we know each other and have a relationship.  He doen't keep us seperate. He is a good father, and that is highly attractive to me.

AND he adored his mother.  Another good sign.  

But what it comes down to is how i feel when i'm with him, and how i feel when i'm NOT with him.  I have no doubts, i have no suspicions or concerns.  I know i'm the only one for him and vice versa.  He is trustworthy.  

His baby mama is what keeps us from being together constantly.

He owns a home, he bought it when she got pregnant with his first son 17 years ago. They never got married but they were in a relationship.  They had a second son 13 years ago.  They all live together, along with a 32 year old son she had from a previous relationship.  Tom is the only one who works.  She is on disability and her health is very very bad.

She's one of those that smokes and is on oxygen.  They have a very tumultous past.  She has a  record, is a former drug abuser, and has very litte to do with her kids..  He and her haven't been together in almost a decade.  It went bad shortly after their second son was born.  He assures me, there is no love between them, and hasn't been for a long time.  He needs help with raising the boys, an adult to be there when he is at work, and even that is too much for her.

Not my story to tell in detail.  But she is the obstacle.

Didn't i JUST get out of a bad situation that involved another woman?  Yes.  Yes i did.  And do I feel like this could get very messy?  Yes, yes i do.  And do i think the two situations are alike?  No.  No they are not.

He's not with her, hasn't been with her, but he treats her like the mother of his children.  Green flag.

He has a LOT to be bitter about where she is concerned, and he treats her like the mother of hiss children.  

He does not hide me, OR flaunt me.  He is openly with me.

She has nowhere to go and he feels like he can't just kick her out.  At the same time, he's more than done.  

I just had to say it out loud.  She lives with him.  He could be lying to me and playing me the way Bill did.  However, all signs point to him telling me the truth from day one when he told me his life is complicated.  

He isn't asking me to fix his life, or raise his boys.  He doesnt need money.  He does need me to care about his boys and understand that he is 100 percent responsible for them and neither of us woud have it any other way.

So there.  Thats the situation.  And i'm still happy and secure.  And......I know it's early and only time will tell but i have never felt this way about a man, or been treated so well in my life.  

THAT is the only situation that is my concern.  He will take care of the rest. 

Girls night

 I did not take one picture and i wish i did.  I hope when/if i get old i can remember the night 4 of my closest girlfriends came over with their projects with a days notice.  Only two people weren't able to attend and they were missed.

It wasn't a big deal with a lot of back and forth on date and time and dealing with everyones schedules....it was a last minute text with "hey come over and hang out with me while we work on our projects" invite. Very happy that i have that many women in my life that i can consider close friends.  And all very different.  

Right before they were due to come over i turned on the robot vacumm cleaner to finish up so i could go take a shower.  As i finished cutting vegetables for the charcutterie board I smelled something.  Poop.  The puppy pooped on the floor and the robot had literally dragged it all over the living room.  So i cleaned it all up frantically and my home smelled like poop and bleach.

Lovely.

I ran around lighting every candle i own hoping it wouldn't make it WORSE, because it was hot and humid yesterday and i couldn't open the windows when i had just cooled the apartment down with the air conditioner.

No one knew.

Except when i told them.  Everyone insisted it smelled good and wouldn't have known.  ALSO as each woman arrived they walked around my apartment exclaiming how much it had changed, how ME it is, and how much bigger it seems......they oohed and ahhed about how i had done things....I was very flattered and because each one did it as they came in i know they weren't trying to hype me as a group.

We ate, drank, talked and laughed.......and it was low key and not complicated.  People came when they could and left when they had too.  No big deal.  Just happy to see you.  I'd like to do more of these nights.

However, the next thing i need to plan is a game night for everyone,  And that is going to be more of an event.  Probably in January after the holiday.

After they all left i facetimed with Tom for an hour and a half.  It was the first time we did that.  It was nice to see his face while we were talking.  I've never instigated that kind of call with a man because i'm wary of their intentions and usually correct.  But i just wanted to see his face.  No funny business was even suggested aside from him wanting to drve over immediately.  Today he is bringing me donuts since he brought it up and gave me a huge craving.  

Tonight is the reunion.  I'm wearing jeans and a nice black blouse, bringing my DIRT t-shirt to change into for the show after.  A big night for us "coming out".  He loves to go out with me and immediately holds my hand and takes care of my every want and need right down to putting me in the car.  It's nice to be treated well.  

He is not the type to let me walk all over him or rule him.  He is a traditional, old fashioned man who has never been on a dating site and has only had a smart phone for 2 years.  He banks in person, pays his bills by mailing checks and was fascinated by the concept of venmo.

He's not constantly online shopping for a better woman to fill his empty minutes.  He's not texting and emailing with other women.  I'm it.  

I like that he is attentive, but not possessive.  I like that he left me to hang out with my friends without having to fill the time with another womans attention because i wasn't available.  He thinks of me and hr TELLS me........not in a strange wimpy way.  He is all man.  Very self possessed and sure of himself.  NOT cocky, doesn't have the attitude that i should be lucky to have him........he feels lucky to be with me.

After 40 years.  BUT we happened fast on the tail end of a bad situation and i want to make sure we are both on board because of who we are, not a space to be filled.  Slow and easy.  Learn and watch.  and most of all...........ENJOY the process.

All the lessons in the world

 Had dreams about Mr. Cigar last night.  Nightmares actually.  

I mailed the letter i wrote to the court last week.  I want the judge to understand that this last episode was not the first time he frightened me, or overstepped himself.  I want that protective order to stick.  Right now it has no end date because he has court for this on October 14th.  I'm hoping my letter will reinforce the need for the protective order to stand, so that he cannot contact me in any way shape or form.  I sent printed screen shots of the accounts he has used in the past to contact me when he is blocked.  

My feelings for Bill snapped the minute he lost it on my that last day.  I went from thinking i wanted a future with him to not being able to get away from him fast enough. 

Does that make me fickle?  That one situation can so finally change my mind?  I mean, it happened with my ex also, the moment i found out he was sleeping with another woman.

My brain snaps.  Disconnects.  Finishes.  Like a sword coming down.  But i never know what is going to do it.  Yes, it still hurts after that disconnect happens, but there is no way i can stand to think of that mans hands on me again.  I can feel it change.

Today, for some reason, Mr. Cigar is forfront in my brain.  Keeps interrupting my thoughts.  Not in a good way....it's more like i know he is stirring.  Like the demon in hell.  I know he's thinking about me and that is the last thing i want.

I just invited my girlfriends over to my place tomorrow night for a "bring your project" night.  We can sit around drinking wine and working on our projects while we catch up with each other.  Or sing.  Or have pillow fights........hahaha.    It's last minute so i don't expect everyone to come but so far a few have said they will be there.

Sometimes you just need a good girls night in comfy clothes.  These are my friends, and i'm throwing them together.  Most know each other, but not everyone.  I'm sure it will be fun.

I haven't talked to Cathy since last weekend when she invited me over for soup.  It felt a little strained.  I get so frustrated when everything that comes out of her mouth is a complaint or negative.  I'm sure i've driven her crazy as well.  I just have to ride this period out and hope she eventually stops finding something wrong in every single situation.

She cares too much.  About what other people are doing or how they are treating her.  I guess i've become numb to my kids not needing me, i don't take offense.  I don't take it personally.  I just want them to be happy.  Cathy needs to let a lot go if she is ever going to be happy.  But i can't tell her that.

I'm excited to see Tom Saturday and go to the reunion and then DirtFest.  I've missed his company this week.  He was sick this weekend, but did come for a short time with his son just to lay eyes on each other.  He started a new job this week and he isn't really happy.  They want him to train on second shift, and that has thrown him off.  

We are going slow and easy, getting to know each other and not rushing into anything.  I just got out of a messy relationship and he has his own complications and kids that need his attention.  I already look foward to his messages, and phone calls.  We can't stop talking most of the time.  

Work will be picking up again now that it's October my project kicks into gear.  I can't believe the summer is over already.  Next it will be the holiday.  

Time flys.  

I can't keep waiting

 for the other shoe to drop.  

So far, it hasn't.

Aside from the one disagreement Tom and i had, over something i told him that he did NOT like......which in reality, he shouldn't if he cares for me.........we haven't had any issues.  Yes, i'm purposely being obtuse.  There is something in my past that came about in conversation while we were taking gummies....and he had a difficult time with it.  I became immediately defensive, which didn't help.  But we talked it out the following day and he has a better understanding.  Sometimes the movies are just the movies, and not real life.  Thats all i'm gonna say about that.

We spent the day at the Berlin Fair together with his boys checking in with him periodically - I got to spend some time with them and him.  He calls me, texts me, talks to me about real things, listens to my long ass stories (I have shortened them because he is so patient) and he remembers things i've told him.  We are getting to know each other, again.  

Yesterday afternoon he came over with his youngest, 13, and we watched football and i tried to do paper mache.  I brought out my clay and they were playing around with it while we talked.  Then they went home.  His son wasn't ready to go.  I think thats a good sign.

Tommy told me we had to talk about a few things the next time we are alone......and i have a good idea what it's about.

First i want to say this.  Out of all the men i've dated he has every attribute that i have been attracted to in other men.  Besides the above, he brought me flowers, red roses.  He made me a trinket box and he is always bringing over little gifts for me.  He doesn't trauma dump.  He doesn't make excuses for his behavior because he hasn't acted in a way that needs it.  What a nice change.

He loves Koda.  

With all that said, I find myself in the same situation i was literally just in with Mr. Cigar.

There is a woman at home.  

The mother of his children.

He told me about her the first time we talked.  That his life is "complicated".  Oh, how i hate that word.  

He said she lives downstairs, has her own room and he and the boys live upstairs.  They coexist but have no relationship outside of the boys.

That sounds pretty typical for two people who have been together for 17 years.

They aren't married. They are together because they got pregnant unexpectedly,  So he bought a house, and set up a life with her to raise their son. They had a second son.  He wanted a family.  He didn't know she had a serious drug problem - and it all blew up in his face when the police raided their home and she was arrested while he was at work.  

Tom has been married before, once, and had an amicable divorce with his ex wife.  They carried on for another 4 years after they divorced.  He just couldn't live with her, they were young, and he wanted to settle in and she wanted to go out and party.  He doesn't want to get remarried.  He did it already.  He has the same attitude about it that i do....."why get married?".

When everything blew up with this current woman, he told her he was only there for the boys, that they were done.  It's his house.  She doesn't work.  She is also very depressed and sick since she got off the drugs 7 years ago.  She does nothing.  He said her health is really bad, that she smokes on an oxygen machine and has no relationship with him or the boys.  

It sounds horrible.

The boys really don't have a relationship with her.  Tom raised them.

He says he needed help with them.  He needed someone home with them while he went to work.  His mom had passed, his brothers both had their own problems going on and his sister had a very ill husband.  He had no one he could trust to help him raise the boys.  So he tolerated her being there.

Yes, i understand that this is one sided.  And that she may have a very different story.  And i remain nuetral because i don't know her, and I really don't want to get involved in another fucked up situation where there is a man going back and forth lying to two women.

However, the boys are very aware of me and seem to like me.  They have made comments about their mother always sleeping and that it's always been them and their dad.

I still reserve judgement.  

Tom wants us together, and .............so do I.  But i don't want to rush into another situation that isn't what it seems.

He said it's time for her to move out of the house.  She had nowhere to go previously, and he wasn't going to just kick her out with her health being the mother of his sons.  But her brother has done very well for himself, and has apartments she can rent.  He says it's time. 

He assures me it has nothing to do with me other than he wants a different life.  He hasn't been living aside from working and raising the boys.  He wants a relationship.  And then i sent him a message and we talked and met up....he said he's not letting me get away a second time.

I'm in no rush.  I do have feelings for him.  But i need time for the excitement to wear off and see what is really there between us.  The chemistry is off the charts, we naturally treat each other very well, even the fact that he has sons that are young doesn't bother me because HE is raising them.  

so thats where im at right now.  I think about Bill and all the bullshit i went through and i want to go back and tell myself that i shouldn't have to fix a man or a situation.  I shouldn't have to be the one he dumps all his trauma on, as if i don't have my own vested interest in the outcome.

I just don't want a repeat.  Tom is worth it to me to be patient, but i don't want to be caught up in the dissolution of there living arrangment.  I told him i wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't take it as well as he seems to think she will.

Time needs to pass and I need to watch.

This is what it's supposed to feel like

 I can't wait for tonight.  Tommy is coming over and i have the day off from work tomorrow.  We can spend some quality time together. 

We can't seem to shut up around each other.  Talk, Talk, Kiss, Talk........laugh our asses off.  I can't help but think that i wish we reconnected again so much sooner.

But we weren't ready.

I hope we are now.  Time will tell. 

Seems very fast,  but we had our first "conflict" that i mentioned previously.  We had taken gummies and I can get ridiculous thinking everything is hysterical when i'm under that influence.  He asked me a question about one of my tattoos and some of my knick knacks around my apartment and i gave him a very direct answer.........while laughing my ass off.  So the timing wasn't ideal.  Nor was my delivery or his reception. He became very quiet, and all of a sudden had to go home for "his boys".  How am i to argue with that?  Can't keep a man from his kids.  So he exits quickly and i am still stoned, so i'm still happy.

Until the next morning when i wake up and remember the conversation.  Oh. Shit.  Not how i wanted to tell him.  I would have eventually had that conversation had it ever come up naturally.  I do feel he, as someone i want a relationship with, has a right to know.  I don't like secrets or omissions that can come back and ruin your future.  I won't lie about anything because I don't have regrets.  Everything i've ever done or lived through has given me experience and growth.  Doesn't mean i'd do it again. 

So next morning i don't hear from him.  Finally around 10am i text him and say "second thoughts?" and he basically says yes and why.  I kind of knew based on him leaving like his ass was on fire....and not hearing from him multiple times at the crack of dawn, so i wasn't surprised.  BUT i was hurt.  And then i got angry.  And then i let him have a peace of my mind.  

We weren't unkind to each other, but we weren't agreeing.  And looking back, it was probably the first adult disagreement with a man i've ever had that was reasonable and respectful.  We both walked away from it feeling like it was resolved and neither of us had to be the "wrong" one, or the "bad" one.  No one felt like a jerk.  And we carried on as we have before after coming to the conclusion that we both had feelings about the information i shared and that the past is the past, and i have no feelings or regret, however that is over now.  

He was very clear about how he felt about me, moving forward.  And i agree.

So it worked out. 

disbelief and comfort

 Do you ever have so much and so little going on in your life that you kind of blip out.  Like lose a few days?  

Since the drama with Mr. Cigar, i've been going at maximum speed or a dead stop with no in the middle.  I drew up the letter to mail to the court so the judge knows this is not a first time event however it was escalating rapidly.  Also that i want that protective order in full effect for as long as possible to keep him from contacting me.

They are supposed to notify you when the protective order expires, and my plan is to constantly renew it for as long as i can.  That man will never go away, and not in a good way.  My back walking away from him is the last he will ever get from me.

My ex and i have been texting on and off since the drama.  Nothing crazy.  Comfortable, not romantic.  I can't look at him like that anymore, i don't feel that way.  But it's nice to know he's there when i need him, and he knows he can call me if he needs me.  Thats the history between us.  I even told Tom about him and said they might meet eventually if we work out.

So much.

We went to the Berlin Fair with his sons on Saturday afternoon.  When he came in the house to pick me up he brought me a candle from the boys. I thanked them when i got into the car where they were waiting.  Very nice young men, 17 and 13.  They kind of just enfolded me into their world -chatting, joking, telling me about their lives and friends.....and at the Fair they checked in periodically to show us their stash.  I even told the oldest a "tell" about how to know when a girl wants to talk to him. I enjoyed them.

Tom got me the thumb ring i wanted and we had "Tom & MB 1986" stamped into it.  We were giggling- okay, I was giggling and we were chatting with the vendor about how we had met in high school and watched each other all year but had only started talking recently for our 40th year class reunion.  We felt like kids....all day actually.  We walked, and ate food and sat and watched people and talked and talked and talked.  He asked me if i noticed people looking at us and after he pointed it out, i did notice.

I think its because how often do you see two old white hairs, walking around obviously happy, holding hands and talking their asses off to EACH OTHER.  

I was so relaxed.  At a FAIR.  with a lot of people around and usually i'm stressed pretty fast in that environment.  But i let him.  I just held his hand and he led me around, feeding me anything i said looked good, and making sure i wasn't tired or hungry.  He took care of me.  He wanted me to have a nice time.  And when the boys would check up on us, he would light up.  

I like that he is close to his sons and that on Friday nights they get snacks and hang out together watching a movie, or television.  He said it's always been like that.  The three of them.

And i was jealous honestly.  I wish i had made Friday nights or any night of the week a special night for me and my teens.  I wish i had had the presense of mind to remember that they would not always be there with me, that they would grow up and away.  Very Fast.  

AND we had our first argument.  And it was a good one, with the statements that started it, the upset apparent on both ends, each expressing their feelings about said statements and the information gleened from them.......I gave him holy hell, he accepted my wrath with a warning of "don't be a hothead"......because i did call him an asshole, but we got it all out without any hitting or threats, imagine that.  And now, it's even better than before the argument.

I didn't have to sell my soul to keep him, and he was able to express his thoughts and concerns without me running away.........It was a nice change for me.

Thats the short version of a packed weekend.  Life is looking good. 

don't go by pictures

 Toms facebook picture is awful.  Truly awful.  And when i found him on facebook i couldn't care less what his picture looked like.

It was Tom.  For my senior year all i did was look for him in the Berlin High School hallway and smoking area.  He was a bad boy with a lot of friends.  He wore a leather jacket, jeans, had long hair and a long goatee....yes, in high school.

I was smitten.

But i also was living with my boyfriend and his family and that was why i was spending my senior year in a highschool where i knew no-one.  

If i had been a normal teen, with a normal life.........i wouldn't have met him.  But i also would have been able to date him if i DID.  What a fucked up situation i was in.

An 18 year old should never have to decide the future of her life based on keeping a roof over her head and pressure from all around her to stay with her boyfriend.

It should have never happened.  I should have been guided.  I wasn't.  Not one person helped me grow up to be MYSELF.....it was always to the benefit of someone else that i was alive.  My life was never mine.

And maybe thats why i have attached to men.  To the dream of wanting to pick my life and thinking it had to be WITH someone.  

The only thing i don't regret about marrying my hs boyfriend is having my children.  They are my reason for not regretting my entire life and many times, they have saved me, without knowing it.

I understand that i have always been man focused, and that I did not give them the time and attention they needed, and deserved.  I have no valid excuse.  If i could do my life over i would do that part different.  I would figure out earlier that men complicated my life, they didn't make it easier, they didn't help me or protect me..........they were an escape from lonliness and feeling unloved and alone.

I have always just wanted to be the one, to be enough, for ONE person to share my life with. Someone who cared about me as much as i cared about them  An adult to share life with 

And i chose badly each time.  My ex D was a free spirit not to be tied down and that is exactly what i tried to do.   We were doomed from the start and his mother told me that on several occassions. She said "you know it's not forever" and "It's never going to be permanent" and "you are not going to end up together"........throughout our 13 year relationship

And then they wondered why i got so upset around the holidays, because i had no permanent family that looked at me like i needed them too..........always aside from my children who were and are my entire family.  

I made bad choices, and some good things came from each one.  But i would love to finally do it right.

Maybe Tom, who is still handsome and very physically fit, is my future.  Or maybe not.  We won't know until we find ourselves looking back over the years and saying "wow, we made it"....

He makes no bones about not wanting to waste another 40 years not being together.  He says the most romantic and loving thing to me and it doesn't feel like love bombing.  It feels like we are both relieved to have finally come full circle.  And i feel at peace, and very much excited at the same time.

Who knows what the future holds.  One day at a time.  But it's nice to look forward to him.  

clear it out

 I still have the childrens book that my ex D gave me for christmas one year.  And i have the necklace, and a lot of the cards and pictures from him.  I probably won't ever get rid of them.  

But, this weekend i cleared out the gifts and items that were given to me by Bill.  I loved the leather work bag he gave me and always used it, even when we kept breaking up.....but i cleaned it out and brought it to Jens and gave it to her.  I told her if she doesnt want it she can donate it.  It's a very nice bag.

And he got the exact same one for his ex. (he's so stupid that he insisted he got her a more expensive bag when he tried to re-gift it to me because she had left it behind)  And the wine glass he gave me was something he gave all his female friends. Even his gifts were unoriginal and given to everyone.  Loser.

I had worn one of his good flannels home one night.  It smelled like him and i didn't give it back.  So i brought that to Jens house as well to give to her niece's husband because it's too small for Doug.  

Everything went.  Nothing of him remains aside from a few pictures in my phone which i think i will delete. Not one picture was taken of us together in over a year.  

There is nothing left. Aside from finishing that letter to the court.  That is my final word and then i will be completely done until i'm notified the protective order is expiring.  Then i will renew it for as long as i can.  I will not have him contacting me or thinking i want him to, ever again.

And i feel peace now.  No waiting for the contact i've done everything to avoid but i know is coming.  He always found a way back in.  And i always let him.  And then we'd have a few good times and it would turn bad again.  Faster each time.

Because i let him. 

And those days are over.

I don't want to gush about Tom but there is plenty of reason to.  I just don't want to write about him in the same entry as Bill because he deserves so much better than that.

No call from Cathy, or either of my kids yesterday.  Every day i think of moving to South Dakota and starting my van life.......what is keeping me here.

In trouble

 I finally worked myself up to talk to Cathy last night.  I called her and launched into what had been going on, how i had continued to see Bill on and off and lied to her because she had made her opinion of him clear and i didn't want to hear it from her.  That it was my choice to see it out to its end and that i didn't need her yelling at me or judging the situation because i knew i wasn't going to listen to her.  I wasn't even listening to my SELF.

She got mad when i said judgement and i reinforced what i said..  I told her this is my life and her very expressed opinions on it were a judgement.  I was honest about why i didn't tell her and i stood behind what i said.  When she tried to do exactly what i knew she was going to do i told her this is my life and i wasn't looking for approval.  I did what i did because i wanted to. The end.

Then i told her about the happy part, reconnecting with Tom.  She wasn't interested.  She had already moved into the guilt portion of the call where she said "do you want to know why i kept calling you?" and then she hit me with her future son in laws recent health issues and her argument with her son at her granddaughters birthday party.

I listened and offered no advice aside from trying to remain positive and not think the worst. 

i'm afraid we are outgrowing our friendship or going threw a major transition...........she is always negative and upset about things she cannot control.  She is hell bent on her son apologizing to her husband about something that took place last year and she is allowing it to interfer with her relationship and therefor not seeing her grandchildren.\

We don't agree.

I am upset i don't see or hear from my kids but i realize they have adult lives.  When i can be with them i'm not going to fight about petty stuff just to be right. I don't want them to cringe when they know they will see me.  

She has the world and she still manages to find things to be unhappy about.  And she forgets who she is talking to.........and she is complaining to me about things i will never have.  THINGS.

Sometime i just dont like her.

I believe friends should tell you the truth but you shouldn't be afraid if getting into trouble with them.  

life is wierd

 going through all the chaos and drama and feeling like i'm completely out of control emotionally and physically and then one day it all comes to a head and there is no going back.......then there is quiet.  A whole big space of nothing where longing and regret used to slip in......but now, nothing. Just a very clear vision of the crazy ride i was on, that i actively chose to be on......hoping it would end in a fairy tale moment.

but i'm not a princess and he was certainly no knight.  He was never going to pull my onto his white horse and ride into the sunset with me.  He was going to end up killing me eventually - and now i know how sneaky abuse is, how it dresses up as one thing to pull you in and even if you are smart, and experienced and run your own life you can be fooled.  Anyone can be.

I kept going back and he kept stalking me when i left.  It was a vicisious cycle of hope and disapointment.  No matter how well i was getting to know myself, i couldn't possibly know him.  

And now i have a full protective order against him and he's been arrested twice, and i told the police about the guns he didn't turn in.  Because he's not safe.  And he'll be the first person to tell you that.  I finally believe him.

My ex was a big help, letting me have a meltdown and then encouraging me to do what i thought was best.  He didn't tell me what to do aside from stop hanging out with assholes.  Solid advice.  But he was who i thought of when i needed help and he gave it to me by simply being supportive.  I won't forget that.

Sarah and i went out friday night to see a cover band of Fleetwood mac, the Eagles and Tom Petty.  It was a good night.  I invited Cindy to come and she actually did do something spontaneous and join us.  Eddie was there with his new girl and they invited us to sit with them  The bar was packed.  I felt very lucky to have this life and these friends and the ability to go out and be happy.

The day after the assault and arrest i went on facebook and scrolled my highschool reunion page.  I found Tom, a boy I had wanted to date, but couldn't because of my fucked up situation of living with my boyfriends family when my mother threw me out of the house at 16.  That was a mouthful. If i hadn't been in that situation i would have wanted to date Tom.  I reached out to him.  We chatted and then we met Saturday night for drinks and apps which turned into hours talking and then he kissed me at my car...........for a long time.......

I invited him to watch a movie with me yesterday and we talked for hours again......and this weekend i'm going to the berln fair with him, the town we went to school together in and graduated from.  And both his boys.  Next weekend i'm going to the class reunion with him as his date.  I didn't know anyone well enough to want to go on my own.  I was only there senior year.

And now we are trying to make up for the past 40 years of not being together. It feels so surreal that the timing is finally right.  Neither of us is with someone for the first time at the same time.  We can't stop talking about all the things we want to do, and what we were doing without each other...and how much and how little we have changed.

No games. No gaslighting.  Just......that feeling of finally.  The more we talk we laugh about each others memories of each other.  He remembers details that floor me.  

Maybe this is our chance.  We are going to see.  And with all the recent happenings i'm startled to find myself feeling peaceful, and happy and looking forward to what happens next.

eh, fuck him

 just now i remembered that Mr. Cigar had gone to the dentist for a procedure on Tuesday.  And he wanted me to pick up pizza......didn't listen to me, always knows best.  He said he'd chew on the other side of his mouth like i was an idiot.  Refused to take tylenol or listen to any kind of preventative pain care.....he knows best.

And he was worried his mouth would hurt in the morning.......

I hope it did.  I hope it started hurting when they were booking him at jail.  I hope it was throbbing when he had his office manager bail him out for the second time in as many months.  I hope he was PISSED and self righteous in front of her.......so she knows he's the same in his private life if not worse.

I hope she thinks "this job sucks" because her boss is a flaming asshole and thinks he OWNS his employees.

I hope he really DID dial my number by accident (bullshit) and that he nearly shit his pants wondering if i was going to report it.  I did.

I hope when he was waiting his turn in court he had his shitty attitude and got slammed.  OR that he acted like a little lamb because he knows now that he has a much better chance of doing time for putting his hands on WOMEN.

I hope his dick deflates and no amount of testosterone stiffens it......i hope he remembers me every time he "almost" does it.

I hope he feels all the the things he's made me feel over the past year.  I hope he worries and i hope the court system sees him for the cocky mother fucker he is.

I hope he sees THIS and understands that IF i think of him now its with pity and disdain.  I thought he was a man.  He's a damaged petulant ANGRY little boy inside of an aging body.  And he deserves every second of the misery he brought on himself by treating women who cared for him like garbage.

No Bill........Fuck YOU.  

Brief brief which will be long long

 i did it again.

I hope I've learned my lesson and can move forward with some insight and experience, and that the memories will fade but not completely disappear.

I've never called the police for myself, and found out that i'm pretty good at it.  I'll be sure to do it again in the future if need be.  At 58 years of age i have a protective order against Mr. Cigar.   It' a full no contact protective order so he cannot contact me in any way shape or form.

Let me begin by saying this past weekend was damn near perfect.  I began seeing my life with him in the future....keeping house, enjoying the dogs, being outside in the woods on walks, and actual sex because he's finally got it working. Woo. After more than a year we had actual intercourse.  Too much information?  Hell no, it shows that i have actual feelings for this man.  I've been around through all the ups and downs, and it wasn't about being dickmatized. That is important.  

He was relaxed, attentive (for him) and we actually felt like a couple.  I did, however, remind myself that we have had really good times together before with immediate chaos following.  Like he can't stand to be happy with me and must sabotage it. He must always keep me insecure.  He would say i'm in my head, and i will respond with yes, memories.  

Tuesday night i met him at his house for pizza, which i brought, because he was supplying the adult beverages.  I got there before him, and Koda and i took a potty walk.  He was a very happy boy.  Mr. Cigar arrived, we ate pizza off the back of the truck because we were starving.  As we were eating he began roughing up Koda, a lot more than i would.  I was uncomfortable, asked him if that was necessary, and he said i was making my dog gay.  (So here's where i should have ended the night)  

Koda began drooling heavily which he never does, and had only done at Bills house due to the excitement and nerves of being there.  Bill continued to harrass him, making him growl.  Again i told him to stop.  Again he ignored me.  I felt the storm clouds move in.

We ended up taking the dogs outside, and sitting in the chairs side by side underneath the biggest tree that views most of his beautiful 5 acre property.  It was exactly what i want.  Peace.  Until he decided to start bonking Koda on the head with the chuck it dog toy he was using to throw the ball. 

It's a long handled flexible plastic whip.....the top that holds the ball is hard.  Thats what he was hitting on Koda's head.  When i told him to stop he only laughed wildly and continued to to it more.  I put my hand over Kodas head and and he hit me too.......i can say it hurt like a bitch and it wasn't my head.  

I was angry.  I held koda and stood up from the chair and then he whipped the back of my legs.  To say i saw stars....i was shocked, i was angry, in pain, shaking....trying not to cry and trying to understand how a man could sit there looking like a mean little bully boy.....enjoying my upset and wanting more.

He is not right in the head.

I said i didn't understand how anyone had stayed with him for as long as they had, that he enjoyed scaring and torturing women, and that this was why he was alone.  He scares people.  He said his ex Melissa scared him.  I said she must have been a brute if she could handle him.  

His face turned black, and if i thought he looked mean before that i was wrong compared to this.  I began to walk away towards the back of the house with koda in my arms.  He told me to shut the fuck up, not to talk about his fucking exes and to get the fuck out.....I came as close to running as i can.

I realized my keys were in the house, so i went in the back door and both corsos came running out....agitated because i was holding koda and because they probably heard us yelling outside.  Able ran out the door and into the yard and knowing he needs a leash i yelled for him to COME, HOUSE...and shocker, he listened.  I saw Bill come around the corner of the house with rage on his face......i was scared.  This was unsafe and i was going to get hurt.  I knew it.

I closed the door behind me, ran into the kitchen as he was coming into the house........grabbed my keys and ran out the side door.  I realized i didn't have kodas leash and thought fuck that, i'm not going back. I hurried to my car, shaking, trying not to have a meltdown before i could get the fuck out of there.  While i was attaching koda to the seat (he doesn't do well in the car) Mr. Cigar came out of the garage yelling and angry, he threw the leash at my car.  I reached out and grabbed it then took off down the driveway before he decided to approach me.  

It's sounds like nothing while i'm writing this.  And it felt like i was running for my life.  Once i got into town i pulled over and tried to process what had just happened. I was shocked that the situation had escalated so quickly because i had told him NO. to stop.  

I had welts on the back of my thighs.  Then i got mad.  I texted him that he ruined himself, referring to what his ex said when she had him arrested in JULY - that she was going to ruin him.There was no physical marks on her to prove he had pushed her, and that saved him.

This is when clarity literally ripped across my brain.  This fucker thinks he has a right to put his hands on people, to hurt people.  He thinks he can get away with everything because he believes he is smarter than everyone else.  He has no empathy, only sees how he "should" act to impress people.......but has no soul.

So i called the police, who told me to come in and i did.  They even took koda outside to potty for me because i was there for a while.  They arrested him.  Told me that he was told not to contact me and that he had court the following morning.  I went home and blocked him and his business from my cell phone, and all social media.  I was in shock. Still, at the speed of which things had gone south.

I started to second guess myself.  Did i over react?

No.

He has escalated with me, and it would only continue to get worse.  The police officer told me.  So it's true.

I've seen the movies, saw the news, read the books........and never thought it would be me.  Thats because they aren't stupid enough to walk up and smack you......they warm you up to the abuse.  It starts slow and small, and then it escalates......and you feel crazy.  And they tell you you are crazy.  It's fucked up.  I wish i didn't understand.

Yesterday morning i was on a teams call for work and i saw that i had a missed call from him.  How??? i had blocked him, he wasn't supposed to contact me.........but there it was.  So i called the police, and had to go back down to the station and file another report.

Between his previous arrest, and now these two arrests........he has fucked his own life up.  All he had to do was be a decent man and keep his hands to himself.

And thats the short story.