stop giving chances

I asked someone for a favor because I know they drive all over the damn place for work and leisure- I even said I had no right to ask, but they encouraged me.

And then I asked, offered to pay for gas, and was told it wasn't a problem.

When I texted that I have a key to give them for said favor, and asked where we can meet, or where I can drop it off for them.......i get radio silence.

I keep thinking this person has changed, grown up - that we are actually friends.

And then I am reminded.

No more chances.  I see that unless I have something to offer other than my friendship, I am not considered worthy.  I'm good with that.

Meditations book 5 #24

 Remember:

Matter. How tiny your share of it.

Time. How brief and fleeting your allotment of it.

Fate. How small a role you play in it.

Well now.  If this isn't timely I'm not sure what is.

What matters a lot to me matters little to others, and vice versa.  We are all part of a much bigger picture and THAT should matter but when it comes down to individuals, we are temporary and not around very long.

Time seems to go on forever until you start nearing the end of it.  Then, you realize how little time is actually left and that is if you are lucky. So don't wait until the end of your life to start enjoying it.  Don't spend it being miserable because when you look back as you lay on your deathbed you want it flash on all the fun you had, the love you shared and the good you did.

Fate- not sure I believe in this at all.  We make our own fate by the decisions and choices we make and don't make.  Its the same story for everyone, it's the choices that differ.  I do think upbringing, trauma, and disfunction try to lead in our choices (it's what we know) but I don't feel we can't change that.

Because I have realized that I think about a lot more than I actually write about (which always seems to be about men) I've decided to randomly select from Marcus Aurelius's "Medications" once in a while.  Writing is focusing and there is so much more to focus on than myself.

Today a very special girl has a birthday and as she grows up I grow old.  Life.  

Meditations book six #29

 Disgraceful: for the soul to give up when the body is still going strong

What if it's your soul going strong and your body that is giving up?

What if in my soul, I'm still 16 years old wondering what I'm going to be when I grow up and who I will fall in love with and what will I leave behind when I'm gone?

        Still not grown up, as evidenced in this blog and when I'm with people who love me regardless.

        Been in love a couple of times and it doesn't suit me or my sanity.

        My children are my legacy- that they turned out better than I did, in spite of their parents.

Some would rather die than live on if their bodies no longer work, even if their mind is still sharp.  As someone who has never had a great relationship with my body, it is only there to carry my brain around, I strongly disagree.

I can enjoy life with or without a body that functions.  My concern is that I would be a burden to my children.  

Thank you Marcus Aurelius for the daily opening of Meditations (I keep trying to get smarter)

what a set up

 I reached out to tattoo man a bit ago and he responded.  

Why do I do that?  It's like rubbing a canker sore on your tongue against your teeth - it hurts but you keep doing it.  

Then it just *poof disappears and it's like it was never there.

I still reach out to the ex randomly but I think it's a comfort thing- he'll get what I'm saying.  He responds but does not reach out to me first.  I get that too. He's the one that didn't want us anymore.  Makes sense.

I have no desire to have any contact with my ex-husband.  I wonder if that's how my ex's feel about me.

Tattoo guy wasn't an ex.  He was a non-relationship. I forget that part.

Got asked out, and although I was mildly curious I declined.  Why?  Because I don't need another disappointment, of either me not liking him and feeling bad when I cut it off, or me liking him and him cutting me off.  I have no interest in playing that game.  I hate gambling.

I talk to a couple of men in a group I'm in on Facebook.  One is spicy, and the other is just nice to talk to.  I can get my flirt on and not have to go anywhere.

I'm joining the lazy non-daters with little time to waste.

Vacation is around the corner, and I can't wait to sit on beautiful soft white sand with my kindle and soak up the sun and salt.  I love the couple I'm going with - both laid back.  They are kind to invite me back, this time for almost a week.  I think they like me too. :)

When I return I start a class on building webpages and databases......setting myself up for business just in time for the holidays.  Setting myself up for when my boss retires, and when I eventually retire.  It's a plan.  

Depression

Maybe i'm over tired, or under hydrated......I  feel it coming.  The hibernation.

Not a desire to go home and hide.  A need.  Every voice i hear is too loud and annoying and every sound is too sharp and distracting.  I'm jumpy.  Uncomfortable. Short tempered.

Like i'm gonna explode or start crying any minute and i'm just holding on for dear life.

I am physically uncomfortable and feel like everyone wants something from me.

I haven't had a time like this in a long time.  But i remember now.

I know it will end, just like i know it will start again.  I can do this. 

oh, and the married guy

 

about 5 years ago i broke my rule and actually dated a man who works at the same place as me.  I work for a large place with many locations and people, and although he was in the same location he was not in the same building.

I still broke a rule.  However, he was handsome, charming, and persistent.  Eventually, I gave in and we began seeing each other.

He used to facetime me with his boys and tell them to say hi.  He had younger kids.  He would talk about his "ex wife" and his frustrations.  We went out for a bit, but i ended up breaking it off when he got handsy during an argument and tried to restrain me from leaving.  Thats the short version.  I have no desire to revisit the long version.

He didn't go away easily.  It turned into a stalking type situation, that ended with Covid - when many of us were sent to work from home, and finally when i literally moved.

So.

Last year i worked for a department and accidentally found out that the woman who held my position there several people back was his wife.

I figured they didn't know they were divorced.  Of course, i didn't mention that i knew him other than professionally.

It's a smallllll world though.

The Executive Assistant in the new department i work for used to work in the same department as him. The only reason i know is because she was talking about him having a stroke to someone and i overheard it.  She asked if i knew him, and i said yes, i had worked with him several times on projects.  She told me how she loved him, what a great guy he is, and how much she adores his wife who has been taking care of him through all this. 

I said, "did he get married recently?" and she said, no, he has been married to her forever and then talked about the kids and yadda yadda.  

Now, I'm a discreet woman.  I don't need people at work knowing my business so when we were seeing each other i wasn't announcing it, and i certainly wasn't messing around where i make my money.

Why am i writing about this now?

Because i think I almost just gave him a second stroke.  He's back to work and stopped in to my department to see his friend, the EA.  He was NOT expecting to see ME.  

I said "hello" and smiled at him, as if we only knew each other in passing.

That piece of shit.  I hope he does better with his second chance at life.  But no, he comes straight to me and begins telling me how i'm in his top memories of life before.  

I can't make this shit up.  And THIS is why i'm single. 

Keep on Trucking

 How do you meet people?

Years (many) ago i had a blog on yahoo ...and i don't know how but a bunch of "us" starting following each other from all over the country.  We'd read each others blogs and comment with support and/or humor, suggest books, recipes, counseling....we were all different and yet so alike.

One friend was called Dub.  He lived in Oklahoma.  His business was fixing motorcycles and he did it on his property.  His commute was short.  He had a HUGE garden and he would post daily about what he was cooking that day.  He had a live in girlfriend, Judy.  He would talk about his garden, his clients, his girl, and the band he played in.  I loved following him and having him follow me.  His comments were hysterical and most of the time, spot on.

I remember him telling me to "run" from the boyfriend, "before you kill each other".  

Well that blog spot closed down and we all moved over to another and then i think that one closed down too.  We all eventually landed on facebook.

When I say I met a lot of people i wouldn't normally have met through those blogs.......i mean a LOT.

Back to Dub.  He had a following.  He sent me a t-shirt from his business that i still have, and he wouldn't let me pay for it.  I never met him in person.

He got the flu one year and he never recovered.  Judy wanted him to get checked, all his followers begged him to get checked and like a cranky old biker, he listened to no-one.  Finally it got so bad that Judy brought him to the hospital via ambulance, and he passed.

Again.  We never met in person.

I remember reading he had passed and I was shocked.  I felt it so deep.  This man i only knew through the internet, but for years, through lots of ups and downs........I shared in the grief that was expressed on his page and still is.  He is remembered by his friends in person and via the internet alike on the anniversary of friendships, when someones garden starts to pop and they have a question he is missed, and when he pops up in memories.  "whats for dinner"..........He was the only man that could say that without my backside tightening up.  

It's not the same anymore.  I still "meet" people via the internet but people have caught on that they don't have to be genuine, or real......they can be whoever they want to be even if it's a lie.  Back in the beginning, because yes, i was there for the beginning......people were still pretty real.

I have met an interesting person in a group i'm in who is a cross country trucker.  He posts a lot about the meals he makes in his truck, and the places he goes.  He seems very well liked by the women especially but also the men which i think is a good sign. We've been chatting on the side and we seem to think alike about a lot so far.  He picks up in Connecticut sometimes and wants to meet.

I mentioned this to friends at a gathering over the weekend and the jokes began.......I was gonna get kidnapped, he's a serial killer, etc........

All pretty valid jokes.  I mean, i watch a lot of true crime.

However, if i met a guy out one night with my friends.......couldn't the same be said?

Or grocery shopping.

Or in a book club

or even if i friend introduced me to a casual aquaintance?  

Anyone can be dangerous if you aren't paying attention.

So far just a texting thing.  Next will be phone if he sees it through and then we will see.  I won't be meeting him any time soon.  But, who knows.  

I think about Dub, and some of the other people i've actually met and still remain friends with (not all definetly not all)  and how lucky i am to have them in my life.  I ended up being roommates with my friend for a year during Covid and guess where i met her?  

So........we meet people everywhere.  On purpose, by chance, by setup.  I roll with it.  I always think there's a reason or a lesson.  Most times, it's been a lesson BUT the few times it hasn't.....i've made lifelong friends.

Stay tuned.  

spoke too soon

 That fantasy of not worrying about my knee because it's "just" arthritis got chucked out the window last night when i took myself on a date.  I went to see Paranormal Cirque by myself because i couldn't find anyone to go with me. I'm past the point of not doing something because i can't find someone to do it with me.

The ride was nice, an hour away.   I left on time no one gave me attitude, and i didn't have to wait for anyone.  I got in my car and went. Parking was a bit of a nightmare, but i didn't have to listen to anyone complaining about a situation i couldn't do anything about.  I parked.  Then I sat for a few minutes because i had been thinking about someone that i haven't talked to in a bit.  I felt a little sad, but resigned.  His name keeps popping up this week so.....I did what i do, and i reached out, then put my phone away.  I also texted my ex to let him know i was seeing this show by myself (I used to buy him tickets to go because he liked Cirque as well)  It was meant to be a cheeky fuck you ha ha.....and i think he took it as that.

Next, i began the walk, which halfway through my knee sort of "snapped" and i felt that blinding pain I have heard about.  In the middle of a busy parking lot, by myself.  Now what do i do.  I waddle my ass the rest of the way to go stand in line with the other early losers.  The pain is radiating up my leg, but i tough it out.  I'm here.

It's hot, i'm in pain and i'm happy as a clam.  My seat, perfection.  First row of the second section on the floor (thank god) dead center of all the activity.  I was under that spotlight a lot, and the show took place within an arms reach.  I saw dimples up close.  This show is 21+ for a reason, lots of bare bums and bending over - I talked to a friend after and told him i no longer feel as if i have never been to a strip club.  Now we have a plan for him to bring me.......right.  They all say that.  

The show was really good, heart pounding, sexy, funny.....not so much scary.  Worth the time and money.

I realized when i stood up at the end of the show that half of my bipedal body wasn't working.  Literally.  I stood and my left leg basically said no.  Right leg said let's go!  Left knee said fine, but it's going to be hell for you ........and away we waddled.  Me grimacing, trying not to scream out loud, or fall on my face, or pinwheel my arms for balance.  Finally got to my car and couldn't bend my leg to get it IN the vehicle.  Yet, i'm still not truly alarmed.

Now comes the fun part of sitting in unmanaged traffic going nowhere.  Again, no-one complaining or trying to outmaneuver everyone else.  Just me, with the windows down singing along to 70's on 7, people watching.  Finally hit the highway and now.....yessssss.....hair tied up, windows down, radio up, foot on gas.......flying.  Singing.  Feeling that happy peaceful feeling.

Until an hour later when i get home.

I can't walk.  At ALL.  I can only stand on my one leg and hold the car.  No walking will happen without me screaming loudly.  I start laughing, standing in my parking lot, wondering how the hell i'm getting in the house.  I kind of hop around the car holding on for balance until i get to THE STEP.  One little curb step up onto the sidewalk with nothing to hold on to.  I can't.  So i contemplate. And get the giggles.  I have to do it, there is no choice.  But....how.  How without breaking something else on this body?

So i sit down on the curb and contemplate my life.  No really, i try to stop snortling and giggling.  Okay lets get serious.  The neighbors, if any are watching, must have thought i was either drunk or having an emotional breakdown.  No one came outside for which i am grateful.  

Finally, i crawled on my knee and two hands...tripedal?  to my stairs where i pulled myself up the stairs on my ass and into the house.  Under the spotlight of my porch light.  This was the real show of the night, lets be honest.

When i got in the house of course now it's no longer funny because i'm home safe.  ish.  Slap on a lidocaine patch (expired) suck down a few tylenol and hop around holding on to furniture and walls.  What has my life become?

As i'm sitting on the side of my bed, taking my head meds, (because we all know i need them) I see a message on my phone.  He responded.  He is indeed alive.  This makes me feel happy and still regretful.  If we weren't so damaged, so mentally hurt and scarred......he could have been the one.  

But, that's not how it worked out.  It's strange because now, almost 7 years after my 13 year relationship with the ex expired im finally not feeling anything about it.  I can talk to him, see him, think randomly about him, and not feel any pain, or regret.  He's just a guy I know a lot about.  They say it takes half the amount of time you were together to truly get over an ex....sounds about right.

But THIS guy, the one i never had an actual relationship with....how long will it be before i stop wondering and feeling that little ouch. 

He would have wanted to drive his nice car, with the air on, and 80's rock on the radio.  He might have gotten a bit aggravated with the standstill traffic, and he might have opened her up on the highway...and i would have still felt like i was flying.

It's the cats fault

a long time ago in a far away place i was chasing a cat, and i fell on my knee full force.  Didn't break it, but still traumatized it.  Over the years it's come and gone as a problem, but now........it's bad.

I have arthritis in my knee.  yay.  This is what causes me to grimace when going up and down stairs, and while basically doing anything that puts pressure on my knee.  Mr. Doctor gave me a nice shot in the knee which worked for about 24 hours and now i'm back to the start again.

Surgery is out of the question.  I cannot take that kind of time, and i don't have anyone to help me at home.  Staying in a convalescent home is not an option because i have pets. 

So diet it is.  I now have to remove anything that causes inflammation from my diet.  After looking at this for a bit......i just won't eat anymore.  

At least i know my knee isn't going to snap or give out and that it's the arthritis sending shocking waves of pain through me.  That helps.  Although, i would like to wear a sign that says "i have arthritis stop trying to rush me".........perhaps not.

hang on

 up down, over around.  But just little mountains, not huge insurmountable mountains.....that's what life is at the moment.

I'm scared.  Opportunities can turn into failures.  Or not.  

I'm sad.  Doing this solo, on my own, no partner to talk it out with.  No one to give me a hug and tell me to just jump.

I'm grateful.  Never expected in my wildest dreams that my late 50's would be when i hit my stride professionally and that this would be when i finally look like i'm getting my act together.

I'm excited.  There is a path in front of me that wasn't there previously. 

I'm curious.  This could go in many ways and I don't see any of the choices being wrong.  As long as i DO SOMETHING.

            Also, it looks like someone in Israel is reading my blogs and that also makes me curious.  i'd love for you to comment, for us to connect in an across the world way - what brings you back here over and over again?  Welcome to my crazy.

I'm tired.  I wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about all the things.  Not bad, but still disruptive.  

Today i start doing some self teaching getting prepared for the official learning i will be doing shortly.....getting a jump so i don't look stupid.  Libraries are a wonderful thing.

I hope your day is filled with wonder and mystery.  In a good way. 

all good

 So many good and exciting things coming up!  Opportunities and goals are coming together like puzzle pieces.  I almost can't believe my eyes.

It will take a lot of work short term, and still more work long term.......but I see it happening.  My retirement dreams might actually come to fruition.  

I don't want to say more because i'm afraid of jinxing it.  It's just a good and exciting time for me in the self growth department.

Also - who else takes a summer vacation to Florida besides me?  My friends.  I'll be taking an actual vacation with them, like, a whole WEEK in Florida.  I can't wait to sit on the soft white sand under an umbrella with a book and some nice adult beverages........listening to the ocean and getting my toes sun kissed.  No naked beach for me this year....i don't think.   Good relaxing times with some of my favorite people. 

Life. is. good. 

FML

 Every time i get happy and comfortable somewhere (which is rare) something happens to ruin it.

Just took a look at my new lease starting in October.  Rent increased.  A lot.

So i can bit the bullet and pay to stay, or i can spend that money moving.  

Either way, i'm fucked.

I'm not meant to have a home in this lifetime.  I'll just keep floating and surviving by treading water.

I hate this.

Do NOT want to

 I have an appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon today for my knee.  My *&^( Knee.  

Years ago, i was chasing my cat, Seeku, and a rug slipped out from under my feet causing me to slam down on my knee. I was upstairs, my bf at the time was downstairs with a friend.  There was a pause, and then they went back to their conversation as i writhed on the floor in agony trying not to cry and swear.

I have never been graceful.  I have fallen more than a few times.  He would stand there and look at me, wouldn't ask if i was okay, wouldn't help me up.....I wasn't shocked he didn't come up to check on me.

Due to being embarrassed, i tried to ignore the swelling and discoloration that appeared over the next few days.  One morning i went to work and my leg swelled so bad my pant leg was skin tight...my co-workers forced me to the doctors.  Nothing broken, my knee was "traumatized".....hahahahah that was perfect.  On goes a huge brace, and i sit on my couch for two weeks having McDonalds thrown at me for nourishment.  

I lived in that brace for a while, and eventually i was able to take it off and have very little pain.  Life went on.  HOWEVER, that was when everything else seemed to start imploding. Long story short, lots of shit went down.  I quit smoking, had a minor emotional breakdown, got on medication, broke up a 13 year relationship and moved out of a house i loved all in a two year range.

I gained 50 lbs during 3 months due to a medication i was put on, and then taken off of.  I wasn't smoking anymore but i sure was eating.  I wasn't active, i was severely depressed.  My body went to shit.  As my mental health started to get better, my life as i knew it fell apart.  Wierd. 

I moved in with my bestie and her family for almost a year.  I lived upstairs.  I then moved into a house full of stairs, and although i was never sprinting up and down them, i could use them with little problem.  

Over the years i've had pain on and off in that knee.  I've fallen and broken other bones, been told i have arthritis in my knees, and have gotten older.  Stairs have become an issue.  It's embarrassing.

However, NOW walking at work makes me want to scream in pain.  The pain in that knee is sometimes unbearable and i eat tylenol like its m&m's....which will cause bigger problems.  I've had surgery on my foot twice in the past 6 years and i'm not looking forward to what this new Surgeon is going to tell me about my knee.

I live alone, i have animals, i'm not NOT going to work.  I've been mentally preparing for the worst. I've been freezing meals and stocking up on pantry supplies so i won't have to worry about feeding myself (although lately eating has been greatly decreased with the medication that removes my hunger completely)  I'm told there are home healthcare people that will check in, because no way am i going to a rehab facility.  I'm quite sure i will be fine by myself, its my animals i'm more concerned about.  And all this is if MAYBE i need to have another surgery.

I'm gonna ask if i can bring my printer from work home with me, but that won't solve the problem of what to do with the stuff i print out and approve.........that's stressing me a bit.  However, i've solved bigger problems before and this is just a tiny one.

Thats what i've been avoiding putting too much thought into and as of today will become a reality or will make me feel like i've been overreacting and there is a simple solution to solve the absolute agony in my knee............ha.  

So.  Wish me luck.