Redheads

 are  crazy.

I said it.

I've known more than a few and every.single.one has proven to be crazy.

I must like that.

When i'm looking, no-one is interested.  When i'm happy, and cozy, ready to settle in for a long winters nap...they crawl out of the woodwork.  

Why?  I'm fat, old, my bones hurt, i'm kinda cranky when i'm not laughing too hard....and i get blocked by men I dated so they don't have to see me on social media.  Wimps.  All of them.  I'm too much for them and they aren't enough for me.  I could rip myself apart, think that i'm not good enough but the fact is i'm just not easy enough for low effort men.  I can live with that.

My family loves me, my friends love me, and i love me.  If these men can't get on board with my need for transparency, honesty, MANLINESS and a backbone then i'm not the one.  One man will be lucky to have me and i deserve to also be lucky to have him. 

New Jersey isn't that far.   Mr. Jersey and i have a date to meet in person, before Christmas, to go for bites, drinks and shopping.  We know when, where and what.  He does voice overs - and we already know, if he has a great voice i'm already curious.  He also likes to thrift shop and has actual style!  He owns more than one "good shirt" and enjoys looking nice.  For the hell of it.  He wears nice stinky stuff.  Every day not just for special.  

(I knew my ex bf was seeing someone while still living with me because all of a sudden his truck was clean and he had cologne in his center console....and minty gum. Dumb ass.)

Am i excited?  not really, but i AM curious......looking forward to it.....if it happens.  He has a presence on social media, an "influencer" of sorts with a decent following.  My negative thinking automatically speaks up and wonders "why the hell would he want to meet YOU when he has a bunch of women flirting with him constantly?"  

No idea.  We've had a few great conversations, exchanged real pictures and videos, talked about life, music, work...Flirt a bit, can get spicy at times........I smile when he sends me a text.  ewwwwwwww.   So we'll see.  He's not so far away that it will never work.  And if he's a player, i'll find out sooner rather than later.  He has tats.  Glasses.  Red hair.  I've teased him that he could have an only fans for 50+.  

I said i'd not date a red head again.  

A couple of men i've dated in the past have re-emerged, as they do.  I respond to the ones I liked, and ignore the ones i didn't.  Neither are getting another chance.  

Four days at home because of the holiday and of course i re-arranged furniture and deep cleaned, organized, AGAIN.  Slowly getting rid of stuff.  And yes, i hurt my back so now i'm sitting with a heating pad and i'm going to go take more tylenol.

Thats hot.  What man wouldn't want me???? LOLOLOLOL

when in rome

Saturday night, when i went to see the bands with my friends a man I dated for a short time showed up.  I only knew because one of my friends recognized him when he came in.

He thinks he's a big badass and acts like the world should stop when he arrives. I'm a bigger badass than him.  That's all I'm saying.

I carried on having a good time with my friends and promptly forgot he existed.  If he made his way over to me, i'd say hello, be polite and that'd be it.  If he didn't make his way over, even better.  

Let me say, I had forgotten about him after I cut it off, however, he started dating a woman who felt the need to reach out and tell me he told her alllllll about me the first time they met.

Okay, weirdo.

But when she continued to message me, and THEN told me he was sitting next to her, I may have lost my temper.  Listen you drug addled, GED buying, butter face bitch.....nobody wants your man.  Relax. Maybe take a bath and soak off the skank.  

I'm not sure WHY current girlfriends contact me when they are having trouble with one of my ex's.  Does it seem like I would care how to handle him other than getting rid of him?  NO RETURNS.  He's yours now.  Go live happily ever after. 

I hate seeing women act like pawns for men's stupid games.  It only goes to show that I have dated some real class acts. 

The ones I want, don't want me.  The ones I don't want, can't seem to shut their mouths around their crazy women.  

Is it any wonder I am no longer allowed to date?  says me? 

Anyhow, big baddie decides to mean mug me while he's there camped out by the bathrooms and then leaves.  I doubt he stayed long.  I would have peed in the parking lot rather than walk over to that area of my own free will. 

Why am I writing about this?  Because I was just looking for upcoming events on facebook seeing if I can get out again soon since I had a great time.  I checked a few band dates off as attending so I will be reminded when the events are coming up. 

Gee, I hope I don't scare the big baddie away from his grand entrances.  (embarrassing)  I'm not staying home to avoid anyone.  He's just going to have to share the space.  Or not.  Maybe it's me that needs to grow up but I can't stand anyone thinking they will alter my will to do as I please.  I admit, I avoid parties and events that I know my ex bf will be at because that is HIS territory, and I don't want to feel like I'm infringing and making him feel uncomfortable.  But we spend 13 years together, If I did see him somewhere, and I have, I wouldn't hesitate to say hello and give him a hug.  The only other man to ditch me was Mr. Tattoo and honestly, I'm not sure that man leaves his house.  Besides, he's not the type to act like a dick if he did see me out.  

I need to find someone like him - but who wants to have an actual relationship outside of his house in public around people sometimes.  With me.  I'm afraid of turning into him sometimes.  Giving up and just getting through life instead of living it.  My ex bf found out pretty quickly he wasn't "upgrading" when he turned me in, and Mr. Tattoo has probably forgotten I ever existed ...........both of them giving up on me.

Stupid fuckers.

There's my brain dump.  TaDA

living with myself

 This morning i got out of the shower and there was no bath towel..........

If I'm anything, I'm methodical with workday morning routine.  I always hang up my wet towel so it dries for the next day.  I'm not one of those freaks that needs a new towel every day.  My body is clean when I use it, what does throwing it into a washing machine do to improve it?  By the end of the week (yes, an ENTIRE WEEK of one bathtowel) I wash it because I figure it's time to refresh.

I do what I want.

But this morning.......no towel.

My first thought is....who moved my towel?

My second thought is........that's crazy, no one moved it.

But I have no idea where it is.

I glance suspiciously around the apartment, just in case someone has broken in to steal my towel.

No one.

Oh well.  I go get a new one in the closet, now dripping water all over the floor.  I've already moved on to the next phase of morning routine.

After lotion, deodorant, towel dry hair (special towel for hair, I'm not an animal) I move to my closet to see what today's coverings will be.

There's my missing towel.  In the clothes basket.  wtf?

I have no idea when or why I put it there, but it's pretty obvious I did it.  

Is this the beginning of crazy?  It's a small thing, but you know.......lots of small things add up to big things.

It appears I no longer live alone.  I'm living with myself.  

Force yourself to be happy

 If you were to ask me what I want to do when i'm not working, it's be home.  By myself.  I clean, I putz around, rearrange furniture, watch TV, craft a bit, read, talk to my pets........and most recently I do this after eating a few gummies.  It makes for a very uneventful, peaceful, restful, drama free weekend.

It can also happen too often.  Before long I realize I'm not really enjoying the peace and quiet as much as hiding in it.  A little goes a long way.  Too much will slam me into depression.

Doing anything too much isn't healthy.  Talking to a man that lives halfway across the country isn't smart.  There's literally no point.  And of course, now instead of knowing someone in IOWA that I can chat with occasionally, there are hurt feelings.  See if this makes sense.  He has a life firmly planted where he is.  I have a job that will keep me here for another 9 years.  I'm not leaving my job.  He's not leaving his life.  Why even start?  The last thing I want to do is spend what little time off I have in airports spending too much money on flights and being taken away from my home to see someone I barely know, OR have HIM be at my place the entire time he's here.

I want my space, yes.  But that's a LOT of space and too much concentrated time when we are together. So sorry about the hurt feelings.  I told him long distance wasn't for me.  Several times.  Lost another friend. I need to stick to the traditional dating that allows me to see a man occasionally for a few hours so we can get to know each other over time.  This instant relationship bullshit makes me want to become a nun.

Okay.  Well.  Now I'm the one ghosting and I get it.  

Went to an 80's heavy metal event this weekend.  One of my close friends brother is one of the bands that played.  I invited a few of my friends that love to go see live music, especially 80's music.  I had a blast, smiled and head nodded all night long with a bunch of other 80's metal lovers.  These weren't cover bands, that made it even better.  

In a way, I wish I could go back to that time and enjoy it more.  I would have had so much more self confidence.  I would have done so much more than get involved with a stupid boy. I would have had FUN.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

The holidays are coming up.  I have great plans with my family that I'm looking forward to.  I have gatherings with friends planned.  I am going to spend time at the Elks making friends and getting out of the house.  I'm going to go have some mother fucking FUN.

My Friday

 Thursdays are kind of my Friday now with me working remotely on Friday.  I obviously still work on Friday however, I get up later, have coffee at my desk with the morning news on (well, not anymore for the news) and sign in remotely to see whats on my plate for the day.

I don't shower, I just roll on over to my desk in PJs.  That feels so decadent.  So while I'm working, it doesn't really feel like work.  

I guess getting up at the crack of dawn, showering, figuring out what to wear and painting my face on is a lot less fun than I ever thought it would be.

I will say that I need to be in the office the majority of the time.  I am still learning so much from my boss and I don't think we've even really scratched the surface yet of what I need to know.  My boss is brilliant, was a NeuroSurgeon and now at 81 years old he still is "on".  I am so lucky to have landed with him, to be able to work beside someone who is just so damn SMART and yet, is not socially lacking like many surgeons can be.  Yesterday he was cracking joke after joke, and he's really not a joking guy.....He had me rolling.  I even saw him smile a few times.

Not to say that he is severe, but he does intimidate a lot of people just because he's been here so long and is highly respected.  Sometimes I notice people trying to discount him due to his age and .......that is a mistake.  They find out fast.

I adore him.  

Yesterday I stayed off social media and didn't even turn the tv on last night.  I played my game on switch and relaxed my brain.  Then I took a gummy and went to bed with my kindle.  Very nice night.  A friend texted me checking in to make sure I'm good.  He AND his girlfriend checking in.  I love how that relationship evolved.

This morning I get text messages from my "husband" telling me he bought the tickets for this weekends event and from another friend confirming our lunch date on Saturday.  It's going to be another busy weekend.  My friends seem intent on keeping me busy and out of the dark pit of my emotions.

Assholes.

When you have friends that know you too well, it can become very difficult to isolate.  

Never had to cut it off with IOWA man.  Haven't heard from him in a couple of days.  So that was easy lol.  I don't even wonder what made him lose interest.  I know I'm not that warm of a person with men unless I'm set on fire by them.  And really, that doesn't happen to me.  

Miyagi snuggles me up at night, so I don't need anyone else taking up space in my bed. HA. 

Break from reality

 This morning i was listening to the news as I got ready for work, like I always do, when I decided "enough".  

So I opened a podcast and IT'S all about crimes so I promptly turned IT off.

Audio book?  Seems safe.  I'm listening to Stephen King's FairyTale.  It's okay.  Better than the news and my "favorite" podcasts.  So I go with that.

after shower I sit on my bed and review social media as I'm drying off.  Something sets me off and makes me VERY angry.  

I don't need this stupid shit in my life.

So I write a little "back later" note on my page and sign out of all my accounts.

I'm in a piss mood.  I've had just about enough of shitty situations I have no control over and yet seem to be front and center for.  No. More.

I want my life before the internet when I spent time with my family and friends to find out what they were up to, when I read books that had actual pages and weight........when I rented movies I wanted to watch instead of streaming reality television on automatic.

I'd like some peace.

From all of it.

So.  We'll see how long this lasts.  I'm assuming some type of withdrawal before I am officially quit.  I'm well acquainted with withdrawal.  

I'm thinking it may include writing here for a while, but I'll see.  Here, I'm the one producing toxins in the environment, cleansing myself and poisoning others in the process.  Ha.  That was extreme.  But kinda true.  

After all, I'm just talking to myself out loud here.

If I only knew why

 This morning, as I drove to work, I was contemplating how much longer this back-and-forth conversation with the IOWA man should continue.  Eventually he is going to want to meet, the hints have already begun, and even if he turned out to be Mr. wonderful, how is that going to work?

Why do I get this panic feeling in my chest and why does it replace the feeling of curiosity?  I can literally feel myself shut down - like I'm watching it happen to someone else.  And then, no matter how reasonable, or how much sense the opposite is - I'm done.  I can try to analyze, or prevent, but I'm talking to a brick wall.

I don't know WHY,

I thought for a long time (8 years to be exact) that I'm just broken and will never have that burning desire to be with anyone again.  Then I met Tattoo man and I was completely out of control.  My hands couldn't stop touching him, I couldn't stop smiling when thinking of seeing him, I never wanted to leave him and couldn't wait to see him again.........

That has happened to me ONCE before, with my ex bf.  As a matter of fact, my ex husband used to complain that I never touched him......

I've gone on a lot of dates.  I've even seen a few men for a couple of months.  NEVER have I missed their presence when they weren't with me.  Never have I been content to just lay beside them as they slept and read.  I've always wanted to go home, or have them get out of mine.  

Yet, my ex bf and Mr. Tattoo had me wrapped around their pinky.  Why?  It wasn't the sex.  I've had great sex with others and haven't lost my mind over them.  They look nothing alike.  They sound nothing alike.  They ARE nothing alike aside from the need to get very high very often.  (Which I enjoyed with one and not the other).........They are two completely different men with different lives and yet they are the only two men who have made me overlook red flags and feel as if my life was better with them.

I wasn't looking for either when I found them.

I was blindsided by both NOT wanting me so much they cut me off.

Is it the recognition that they are damaged like I am?  Is that the catnip for me?  Because I've cut men off with very little explanation the same way they cut me off.  I try not to.  I just don't care.

Like they didn't care.  So maybe that makes them safe?  

I'm really trying to figure out why I lose interest in men who are interested in me.

When can I give up completely and just accept that I am single, and I'm going to die alone.  

I'm a sister wife

 on some weekends.

Friday night i headed out to Milford to spend the weekend with my couple.  That sounds so.....not what it is.  We just enjoy each others company and tend to do a lot of thrift shopping, store exploring and craft making.....along with some gummie eating.

We had another shenanigans gathering on Saturday night to discuss our upcoming holiday dinner together and it turned into a full course meal because.......Jen.  Thats one of the reasons I like to go early because after having vacationed with them a few times I know how much work she puts into each gathering and I will not let them do it alone anymore.  I am an official sous chef 

Late into Saturday night when most had left one of our friends lamented on the "old days" and missed "that mb".......the party starter.  The MB that decided anyone getting into the hot tub could not be wearing clothing of any kind.  The random hugger, kisser, laugh really louder.  

I guess I'm no fun anymore?  

I know that's not true.  Just not interested in dating, or trying to date - for the sake of having sex and being treated like I'm dial a ho.  Tattoo man fucked me up, but also made me realize I don't need this dating bullshit in my life searching for a man that does not exist.

I'm still talking to IOWA man but were is that going to go?  Nowhere.  I'm not spending tons of money I don't have on a plane to be away from my life and neither is he.  So as much as I enjoy our conversations there is really no point.  

I tried to explain to my friend that it had been so long for me, without "activities" that I could care less if I ever had them again.  I got emotionally attached to someone who just wanted to screw and I'm okay if I never have to experience that again.  Activities make me lose my common sense.  I don't need it.  I'm not lonely.  My days are filled and my life is good.  I was lucky to have two long term relationships were I loved hard to no avail.  So why keep looking for it when I know I'm no good at it.

I'll just be the second wife and borrow my friends husband to fix stuff I can't seem to figure out, or don't have the tools for.  

i won't do this

 Here is that feeling.  The one where I want to cut and run.  Just STOP.  Almost (exactly) like panic.

Tonight we have a video call date, which I instigated.  Because I like to set myself up for failure, I like to ruin a good thing.  

It's the catfish thing, and the fact that just because my face can be pretty doesn't mean everyone is attracted to me.  I am plus sized.  More bang for your buck, more cushion for the pushing....and all those other things that may or may not be true.  The kind of woman that is good enough to sleep with, but you don't introduce her to your friends, take her out in public where people may know you, etc.

I've been hurt.  big deal.

Before I keep enjoying our conversations or start looking forward to them, I need him to see what I am and I need to see what he is.  He is concerned that he will look worn out at the end of a work day....I wish that was my concern.

Don't get me wrong here.  I'm not down on myself.  Men I am attracted to don't prefer a fluffy gal.  So lets nip this in the bud.  Lets not have need for a band-aid to be ripped of in the future.

I feel sick.

I'm not going to allow myself to self-sabotage this time.  I'm going to relax, be myself and see what he is all about.  If he continues to call, and reach out I will not think it's because he wants to use me until someone better comes along.

Distance is more of a factor than anything else.  It's not personal.  

Breathe. 

okay, fine.

 I just got a text that made me smile like a goof ball.

Okay, fine.  I've been talking to someone for a couple of weeks.  

I honestly don't think it's going to go anywhere.

He lives in friggin Iowa, closer to Nebraska.

Met him in the facebook group for over 50 singles.  We have bantered since the beginning, raised a little bit of hell in the room egging each other on.  And then we'd always say "sooooo far".  

One day we ended up private messaging, then exchanging phone numbers, then calling each other.  We can't seem to shut up.  We call them dates and they last for hours.  I walk around with my earbuds in and he is sometimes working, sometimes at home.

He drives a truck.  Local now but long haul for most his life.  Has also been a bouncer on and off.  He is fun to talk to, has the same sense of humor I do and it never gets boring.  We've been telling each other our life stories, what we want to do when we retire and HAVE NOT BEEN TALKING SEXY.  

I never even had to re-direct him.  He just seems to like talking to me.  And I like talking to him.

But.  Iowa.

We haven't made any plans to meet, yet I have peeked at how much airfare would cost.  It's not cheap, certainly not something that would happen a lot.

It's been a slow burn, and again, nothing I thought would turn into anything when we started talking.  The distance.  He is 61 and a Republican.  and he lives in IOWA.  

Makes me laugh.  a LOT.  and I get him rolling too.  That seems to surprise him.  

Anyway.  How the hell would something like this work?  He's not going anywhere with a house and a job.  I'm not going anywhere until I retire in 10 years.  Its pretty much doomed.

He isn't texting me morning noon and night, saying good morning and goodnight, doing all the low effort crap I can't stand.  He texts me to see if I can talk, then he calls.  And then he tells me he'd like to talk to me again the next day.  It's nice.  And I'm not bored.

No I'm not putting any weight onto this, considering we haven't met in person.  We've seen pictures, we've picked on each other....but could be a catfish who knows?  He sure sounds like he's from IOWA.  AND he did meet another woman in the group this summer and they posted pictures.  He told me he was interested in her, but it wasn't going to happen.  Me being me, I made sure that was true, then told him I had talked to her.  He said he was surprised I hadn't done it sooner.  I don't like messy.  I don't want someone else's problem. 

She lives in New York.  I like her a lot, she is the founder of the group and a riot.  We have talked about meeting up when I go into the city.  Thats how much I like her. She told me he is a gentleman.  Said she didn't think he was my type because no tats, no bike....and I've kept that in mind.  Maybe he's just a man like I'm just a woman. 

And that wasn't even an issue.

Talking to myself here - because he sent me a text that started with "MB...." and it made me warm and smiley.  

I remember another 61-year-old Republican who made me warm and smiley. But that was based on sex and only sex.  Which I have accepted.  Even though it pisses me off.

Won't make that mistake again.

What makes a woman instantly unattractive

 Smoking, cussing, too many tattoos and attitude seem to be the top answers in the single over 50 group I'm in online.

I can see why smoking.  Tats are a personal preference, some only like women covered in them.  Cussing, well, count me out but I get why it would be a problem for some.  It's the attitude one that stumps me.

So vague, yet so often used as an answer.

I want to ask what kind of attitude, but I'm already disliked by most of the religious, midwest men folk in that room.  They do NOT enjoy my humor or honesty.  My "attitude" I'm assuming.

Thats totally fine, I'm not for everyone nor do I aspire to be.

I'm continually intrigued and sometimes infuriated by the marked differences in how people view life based on their geographical location.  The East and West Coast seem to have more open minds, "liberal" and then you have the group that wants women to remain in their "place" and the women who WANT to remain in their place...........the puritanical group?  That is safe to say without overgeneralizing too much.

There is adult humor in this group along with 12-year-old boy humor which is right up my alley.  I like a good giggle over something shameful.   Several women have made it their mission to mother the group and teach them what is appropriate to discuss in mixed company and I think everything should be discussed in mixed company.  I think humor can be found in every situation, even if it is very dark humor.  Anyone working with people, in healthcare understands it is an essential coping tool to survive day to day. I get there is a time and place.  I'm not at someones sunday dinner.  It's a facebook group. 

I try really hard not to jump on and "educate" what I consider to be ignorant and judgemental comments.  Mostly these people are told to "keep scrolling" or suggest that this group may not be their cup of tea.  Yet they stay purely to be offended. I don't join church groups to teach them why they are offensive.  Just saying.

Recently, there was a joke about a 3some.  Lots of people made silly comments and people were getting a good giggle.  Then the prissy brigade entered the conversation and brought their men with them.  You can imagine the comments.  "Never" "immoral" and such.  uh huh.  okay.  sure.

I cuss.  I have a few tats and I certainly have an attitude.  Everyone does.  I do NOT believe in ownership of another person.  I do NOT believe sacrifice means giving up a part of yourself to please or keep someone else.  I do NOT believe in limiting someone else based on my comfort level, or vice versa. I have been in two long term relationships, neither successful.  I have played by other peoples rules regarding what a relationship should be, and trusted that my partners were also playing by the same rules.

Fuck rules.

No I don't want an open relationship and I know this by associating with people who do.  No, I do not want a polygamous relationship, and I know this by having seriously considered, and rejecting the idea because it simply doesn't fit into MY lifestyle.  Do I think I should condemn those who do live alternatively to the standard set of "rules"?  No.  What works for them and makes them happy as consenting adults is up to them. Honestly its none of my business unless it involves me.  I've seen happy alternative relationships and unhappy ones......just like the old fashioned standard relationships.  Some are great and some are not great.  Life is like that across the board.

Balance.

I value trust above all other things.  My ex (here we go again with an ex story) used to have infatuations with women we associated with.  Understandable infatuations. I myself had infatuations with some of our male friends (not that I made it known to anyone).  I would open that conversation with him and he would become angry, defensive and call me crazy.  Because apparently, he never became infatuated with anyone ever.  uh huh.  Instead of it becoming something to tease each other over, perhaps even get excited over, he lied and became angry.  He wasn't good about hiding his interests.  I wasn't imagining it.  Had he been honest......I wouldn't have had to worry about how he was acting when I wasn't around.  I would have been able to trust him to tell me what I needed to know.  He could have had crushes on 10 women at a time and it wouldn't have bothered me because I could trust him.

I couldn't even trust him to tell me the truth about something so lame as an infatuation.

That relationship screwed with me because I never knew which end was up, or what way I was facing with him.  We had two different sets of "rules".

Fuck rules.

People are people and to be controlled by someone who loves you makes you keep secrets so you don't get into "trouble".

yeah.  Fuck that too. 

If I can't have honesty about silly things, how can I trust you with big things...like my heart?  I value trust over all else.  I no longer believe monogamy is the only way.....although I know I lose interest in all other men when I am in a relationship and not being ignored.  I know that I use my words and communicate my needs.........i expect the same in return.  Men aren't women.  They keep secrets for many different reasons.  Mostly because relationships create the environment that secrets must be kept for them to have their needs met and not lose everything they value.

I'm rambling.  Those puritanical people scare the shit out of me.  Mostly because they preach love and god but the spew hate as soon as they disagree.  Two faces.  or more.  As long as they get their way.....

Take a picture it lasts longer

 This morning i was sitting in traffic and got the "ick".  The traffic light by my house seems to be extremely long lately, and this morning, sitting through multiple cycles of this light (long line of traffic) I got eyeballed by the man in the car in front of me.

Not just an occasional glance back to see how long the stupid line was getting.

or just looking around bored.

STARING in his review mirror.  At me.  

So I look in MY rearview mirror to see how clearly I can see the person sitting in the car behind me.  Clear as day.  drinking his coffee and either talking to someone or singing.  A GLANCE told me that.

But this guy in front of me was balls out STARING at me.  

I keep looking away, thinking, of course, that I am imagining the stare.

but every time I look back, there are his eyeballs glued on me.

What a strange feeling.

No smile.  No yawning.  I can't think of a REASON.

Just as I'm about to blow a kiss or flip the bird, it's go time and he looks away as the cars begin to move forward.

What the fuck?

Short week ahead....hope it doesn't get any stranger.

The fat lady is singing

 It is what it is.  and IT looks like we have elected Trump as president.  It's not "official" yet, but.....it is.

Harris didn't come out to speak to her supporters early this morning - I'm disappointed she didn't show up for everyone waiting to hear from her.  Not a good look.

No the final counts haven't been tallied but it would have been super if she had been with the many people who thought she was our saving grace.

Strange how things turn out.

I'm looking forward to gas prices going down.  

I'm looking forward to retirement looking better.

I'm looking forward to our cost of living decreasing........

all the things that were the fault of our previous president are going to be "fixed".

Right?

Right.

Finally!

 Well i did it.  I finally saw the Black Crowes live and got to hear some of my favorite songs straight from the horses mouth.  They were incredible.  Chris Robinson didn't stop moving or dancing for the whole show.  I love his voice, I love that groove, I'm glad I have been re-introduced.

This time of year seems to be ours, Stephanie and I.  Seems all my best memories of things we've done are around this time.   Probably because it's right before her business gets busy and she can actually come out and have fun without being exhausted.

I'd like to spend more time with her and the only way to really do that is at her shop.  I should offer to do the grunt work on Saturdays.  The only problem is I'm not a huge fan of Naugatuck these days.  Can't help but wonder what he's up to and honestly, that just pisses me off.  

I'll get over it. 

The guy that's trying to get back into my life (from years ago) has been cut loose.  I am not interested.  I have found so much calmness, no upset, no upheaval in my life that I don't want to change it.  I'm all about having friends and going out and having fun, but I am not interested in dating.  Period.

I'm just thinking about myself.  When I remember what relationships are like......i must be out of my mind to want one.  I'm not even interested in sex.  It's been long enough without it, I suppose, to no longer matter.

I AM beyond excited about holiday plans this year and its nice not to be having anxiety over it for a change.  Thanksgiving at my son's house and Christmas in New York.  Both holidays with both my children and grandaughter present.  What more could I ask for?  I'm hoping this will become the family tradition.  Thanksgiving with my family and my son's inlaws, relaxed with good food and comfy clothes. And come on now, Christmas in New York City?  how much more christmasy can we get?  Christmas morning with my granddaughter opening presents (and us playing with them, I have no shame) All day in our pj's and then when my son and his wife arrive, we get dressed up and go to a fancy dinner in the city and then LIGHTS......Yayyy!  

What do I have to do?  Anything I want.  I'm the grandma.  I get to play with my granddaughter and enjoy being with my family.

And then!  I'm going to stay a few days longer and my daughter and I are going to have a girls day together to celebrate our birthdays.

My family, my friends, my peace of mind..........nothing else matters.