Musician Man otherwise known as MM

I know.

Another new one.

I actually get asked out pretty regularly, which makes me wonder why I don't say yes more often.  Maybe because it's too much work.  Or i'm not interested in the man who asks? Or they work with me?

There's usually a reason.

About a month ago i started talking to a man on facebook who has friends in common with me. He is a musician, plays bass and of course, is in a band.  He is 65 years old and still rocks out.  I didn't take the conversation too seriously but then he asked to meet me and i agreed.  That was a couple of weeks ago.  I cancelled on him the day before and told him i wasn't really mentally available for dating and i apologized.

He didn't go away.  Once in a while he'd send me a message, and i would answer and that would be it.  He didn't want me to forget him.

But i was focused on Bill.  I wasn't looking for another man or as Bill says "keeping one on back up"......like HE does.  I don't treat people like backup plans.  Its shitty.  And i had been clear with MM that i was "in it" with someone.

After the whole blow up with Bill, I thought about reaching out, but didn't.  I don't want to fill that empty space with a temporary high of attention from someone else.  I just want to get used to the fact that Bill is no longer in my life and that is the way it has be be for my happiness and mental health.  I deserve better.

MM reached out to me, and i responded.  Then i started thinking "why the hell don't i go out with a man who pursues me?  I'm single.  I HAVE been single, acting like i wasn't.  So......I asked HIM out.  And his answer was "Absafuckinlutely".

So tonight at some point we are going to meet up.  I'm thinking Middletown, by the river.  We talk our asses off so we can walk, be on the water, maybe get ice cream or whatever.  Relaxed.  No pressure.  Just meeting up.

I'm not feeling butterflies, my nervous system feels dead.  But from what hear, that's how normal people feel.  It's not him.  It's me not putting the cart before the horse.

65 is really pushing it for me.........but if I recall correctly, Mr. Tattoo is 65 now.  And he was the BEST lover i ever had.  So.  Ya never know.  Not that i'll be finding out too quickly.  

blocked

 I don't like doing it, because i like to know when crazy is stirring up again, but I did it anyways.

I blocked Mr. Cigar.  Everywhere.

Tomorrow I am casting a banishing spell to cut energetic ties between us, and i'm doing a cleansing ritual in my apartment.

Think what you will.  It works.

I'm taking full control and i'm removing him and his energy from my life.  I do not want him popping up again.

In the past, i've unblocked him and he has contacted me or vice versa and as soon as we talk, that's it, i'm in again.  I imagine it's like crack.  An addiction, an obsession, whatever it is, very unhealthy.

One year is more than enough time to waste on any man that doesn't bring peace to my life.  Bye Bill.  Byyeeeee.

Wish i could say it was nice knowing you.

Nice to be back

 Last Saturday i went for an all day ride with L.  We had dated briefly a couple of years ago, went on a nice ride on his bike during a rainy day on the shoreline (which was a lot nicer than i expected) last year and when he reached out again recently I was all about going for another nice ride.

He is tall, handsome, checks all the boxes and most importantly has a lot of miles on his ride .....but i don't see it being anything more than riding companions once in a while.  He is a little flakey.  But i'm safe with him.  

We got together to go for a ride and to compare stories of our crazy love lives.  I won't go into his business, or write too much about Mr. Cigars drama life......but they are kinda similar, only flipped.  L had his "roommate" arrested, and Mr. Cigars "roommate" had him arrested.

Thats where the similarities end.

And yes, i totally lied to Mr. Cigar about my whereabouts last Saturday because I don't owe him any information about my personal life.  Do i feel bad that I lied to him?  No.  Thats our environment and HE created it.  I felt bad that i DIDN'T feel bad.  Hear the doom toll ringing?

I can't remember what i've written about where he is concerned but it's over.  Again.  And this time i told Sarah everything and she told me if i ever speak to him again she is going to tell Cathy and they will hold an intervention.  

I wonder if i can get sent away to a spa?

Probably not.

Anyways.  It ended the way it always does.  He says something, i call him on it, he gets angry and threatens, i still call him on it, and he breaks up with me over text in a cruel and uncaring way.  Per usual.  For someone who calls me predictable......he would know.  

This time, what i'm truly believing is the last time, I felt nothing but relief.  I've been in a relationship with him and it's been one sided.  Now we are even.  We are both free to pursue our lives without each other, and for ME, thats a blessing.  I'm not mad, i'm relieved.  I was mad.  I was insulted.  But isn't that the norm with him?  

His arrest is what really put a bad taste in my mouth.  I know she's crazy and vindictive but he pushed her.  He put his hands on her and she told him she was going to ruin his life.......and so far she is doing an excellent job.  Because it was a domestic arrest he had to turn in all his guns, and that means no more competitive shooting......His life is pretty much on hold an in ruins. And he did it to himself.  He hollered at me when he was yet again talking about what assholes the police where and how she should have also been arrested, and all his rhetoric about the state being liberal and him being a successful white man......the more i listened to him the more i disliked him.  I said AGAIN, well you put your hands on her.  The arrest wasnt' personal.  The state doesn't care about the details of you lovelife.  And he lost his mind on me.  

Poooor Mr. Cigar.  

Constantly makes his own bed but can't sleep in it.

It's been days since i heard from him and as far as i'm concerned that is the blessing in my life.  I won't block him again.....yet.  But i also won't go through this nonsense again.  What more do i need to know?  He got arrested and still can't take accountability for his actions.  What i know is that i don't want to be part of it.  That's way too low for me.  Thank you.

Yesterday it was storming and i stayed home and spent the day purging my apartment doing the Swedish Death Cleaning.  It's time for me to get rid of stuff i've been dragging around so i can make peaceful space in my life.  Both physicaly and mentally.  It's time for a serious cleansing and reset.  I went so crazy that I have no idea where i put my toothpaste.....which i found out this morning.  

Maybe i better take it a little easy.  LOL

transitioning

 

I feel a shift occuring where i'm noticing my own behavior rather than "his".

So much has been happening, that rollercoaster ride i never wanted to get on but completely did.  Hell i pushed my way to the front of the line knowing i hate rollercoaster rides........

This morning his first text was a picture of his ex, laughing because she is coming up in his "possible friends" list telling me he has her blocked.  Not good morning.  Just a picture of her and a transparent lie.....so i took some time to respond because, you know, having feelings is "crazy".

he of course doesn't take accountability, just puts it back on me for "starting this shit so early".....which i find kind of funny and kind of sad.  Self centered much?  

Last text i sent him was "tell me more about your roommate who had you arrested".......and not a peep from him since.  That, will be considered a low blow and will be me being crazy.

Yet, it's true.

His screen shot of her face also showed his Pokes, messages waiting to be read and number of comments on a page i'm still blocked from.  Not a couple, lots and lots of activity.  Good for him.  He's got others he can obsess about his ex to.

Last night he yelled at me because i had apparently said "you put your hands on her, you deserved to be arrested" a total of 3  times, he was counting.  I was listening to him bitch about how he was treated by the police.  I told him again it wasn't personal, they were doing there job and he admitted to pushing her.  It doesn't matter that she ommitted her part....they have a job to do.  She didn't put her hands on him.  Thats why she didn't get arrested.

He could have walked away.  He didn't.  And now, he has a couple of months of fighting everyone in the system because he didn't deserve that.

difficulty regulating emotions under stress

externalizing blame

conflict escalating instead of de-escalating

believing consequences are mostly caused by other people

And he can't see it.

And i'm foolish.  And am finally seeing it.

Now all the other charges he's had throughout his life are coming out ......several DUI's, he's been arrested for domestic once before (both were).........lots of little tid bits he never mentioned because they didnt stay on his record.  The man has a shit ton of guns and a permit.  Which he now had to turn over because of this arrest.  And it's HER fault that he handed her the golden ticket to ruin his life, which she said she was going to do as she dialed 911.

Both of them are addicted to each other and to the toxic relationship that they find so exciting that they will ruin their lives over it.

So this morning, after reading Mr. Cigars text I felt a door slam shut.  Nooooo not the main door, i'm working my way down the hallway slamming doors left and right but i won't lie to myself and say i'm done yet.  Because i'm not a liar.  Stupid, but not a liar.

Also this morning i get a text from another man, "good morning beautiful"......we know i hate those texts but today it was funny because..........look at the difference in texts.  An exes face, and a beautiful ......which would any sane person prefer?

So i respond and think about suggesting another ride........then i stop myself.  No.  I will not do this.  I will not reach out to a new guy because the current guy isn't mine and never will be in a healthy way.  I will finish this trash situation for good before i even think about another man.

I don't need to get reassurance, or support from a man.  I need to get my shit straight and stop letting the current, not current, man use me as a support dog while he goes through shit with his ex.  roommate.  Whatever he is calling her today.

This feels good. I'm being honest that i haven't hit my limit yet, and i'm recognizing past behaviors of needing another mans approval to feel better.

Fuck that noise.  My life is full, is good, and the only thing giving me stress at the moment is the man i supposedly love...but how is that love when he knows almost nothing about me after a year of this.

Ugh.  too much brain power is being wasted on someone who has a huge backup line with no intention of ever being with me without talking about and obsessing over his ex, not ex, roommate whatever the fuck she is.

Notice the pattern.

He introduces the drama.

I respond to the drama.

I become the problem.

That's a cycle.

Not a relationship.

A position.

The position of "the one who listens."

"The one who understands."

"The one who stays."

"The one who sees the good in him."

Those are roles.

They're not intimacy.

Real intimacy sounds more like:

"What made you cry this week?"

"What are you excited about?"

"How's Koda?"

"How's work?"

"What are you painting?"

"What book are you reading?"

"What scares you?"

I have a rich life.

Reading.

my journal and Travelers Notebook.

Work i'm proud of.

Koda.

Weight loss, improving my health

Art dabbling

My growing family

These things rarely become the center of the conversation.

His crisis does.

That's not love growing.

That's my life orbiting someone else's chaos.

never difficult

 Not to sound overly confident but getting dates isn't difficult for me, or any woman really (as Mr. Cigar liked to tell me)  I do, however, get asked out by handsome guys so.....i'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel.  He sure is.

Last night was hard.  I talked to a nice man i met on Facebook, we have friends in common and he's a musician. We chatted and then he called me.  Great convo.  seems nice.  We are meeting in Middletown tomorrow night.  

Saturday im going for that ride which i desperately need.  The guy isn't someone i want to date and he knows it.  I was very blunt about it.  But if he's offering me the kind of therapy i need.......i am going.  That will help clear my head.

I'm getting angry now.  About the time wasted, the push and pull, the games that were played.  Those two chaotic people have an illness and they'd be doing the world a favor if they just stayed together and left everyone else out of it.  But crazy needs an audience. 

I want to go see my sweet Henry this weekend and get some baby loving in, give the kids a little break.  I am hoping my daughter will let me know when she's coming to see them so i also get to see her.  That might be hoping for too much.

I'm frustrated with her too.  The withdrawals kill me and i'm torn between being "too much" or letting her have her space.  I hate it.  The other side is that she has an opinion about everything i do, and it's never a good one.  So, really i'm not missing that part at all.  

My life is transitioning and i feel it.  Like and earthquake where everything is getting shook up and god knows what it looks like when it's done.

I'm hurt.  But i'm okay.  

Day by day

 Any time i have a free moment i miss him.  I'm realizing how i only obsess over men who don't return my affection, or who seem to be able to forget about me and move on like i never mattered.

But thats not all of it.  

It's okay though.  I just need to sit in discomfort for a few moments several thousand times a day, during the evening its the worst.  When i wish he would say goodnight.....because then i would know he was thinking about me too.

But even if he is, it doesn't matter.  The way all of this happened, no matter the reason or who was wrong or right.......it's not going to work.  Not now.  Maybe not ever.

When we keep reaching out to each other it's because neither one of us can stand the discomfort of going without the others attention.  But if we truly loved each other we wouldn't be playing these dumb games.  It's just both of us looking for attention.

I do miss that attention, but not the chaos that comes with it.  

So this weekend a little bike ride and a drink with Saybrook Man to clear my mind and get out of the house and on to two wheels.  He's a safe rider and i've made it clear i'm not interested in dating him.  I asked my ex repeatedly to go for a ride and that never happened.  Now he doesn't answer my text at all, because he doesn't want to or his phone is turned off?  Doesn't matter.  Probably not a great idea anyways.

Mr. Tattoo came to mind yesterday and i realized i haven't thought of him in a pretty long while.  Which made me realize that the reason for that is because NOW i'm obsessing over Mr. Cigar, again.  SMH.  Yes, that is a problem and maybe identifying it will help me stop the behavior.

Obsession isn't love.

Potential doesn't make a healthy relationship.

Chaos isn't peace.

I'm getting there. 

It's always my choice

Yesterday i had an epiphany.

I have a compulsive desire to prove that reality is real.

I collect evidence, confront lies and want acknowledgement for what is plainly true. 

I gather receipts, become the investigator, the truth teller, the referee, the therapist, the witness.

People invested in chaos don't want truth.  They want an audience.

"They" (in this case, Mr. Cigar and his psycho)  involved me because i participated.

I believe if everyone just knew the facts everyone would start behaving rationally.

They won't.  

After sitting and thinking about this i found it to be true of my entire life.  I do feel like i have to prove reality is real.  I do need to make sense of it even if it is plainly true. 

People i trust have questioned that trust because i dig.  I don't take face value, i ask for back up information.  I need all the details.

It drives men crazy but women seem to enjoy telling me the nitty gritty.

To learn something about myself and agree with it at this age is really interesting.  It's like meeting myself.

I've done some crazy stuff.  I've survived it all.  I've lived life.  I've never gone out of my way to hurt someone or tried to ruin their life, but i have associated with people who did it to me out of jealousy.  Thats funny because i can't imagine anyone being JEALOUS of me!?  

Most recently having Mr. Cigars psycho "roommate" (uh huh) lose her mind on me and say a bunch of vile, hateful and poison things to me.......proving to me that she is rotten to the core, gave me a really clear view of the kind of woman i could have potentially become.

I had a phone conversation with Mr. Cigar yesterday.  A deep, hopefully honest, painful conversation for both of us.  I asked him questions, i told him my feelings, he let me.  He answered me without getting heated, we got into the deep of it.  I identified that his relationship with her is comfortable to him because it's what he grew up with, what he is used to........for reasons i will not share here.  

Suffice it to say both of us are were conditioned to receive abuse and neglect.  Many people have.  Some break away from the pattern as adults, others fall into their parents footsteps.  

The games he plays, that i participate in......all of it would stop if we chose to make it stop.  It's our CHOICE to continue with this madness.

That said, i agreed to be taken out for a motorcycle ride with a guy I went riding with before.  He's been after me for months and i finally answered him and said he can take me for a drink and a ride, but i'm not looking for anything more than that.  Just company.  I know he rides safely and has lots of miles under him so i'm comfortable riding with him.

Off the bike is a different story.  I need the release of letting go and clearing my mind.  I need a reset.  A complete restart. A ride will do that for me.  

I will not reach out to Mr. Cigar, i will exibit self control and not insert myself into the circus he is living.  He chose that.  I choose not to instigate engagement. I already know i will answer his calls and texts, i won't even try to pretend i won't.  

I'm not fighting it.  It is what it is.  And it will do what it does.  Eventually i will learn or i will be proven wrong.  

Thats when you know

 When I avoid writing about something, or confiding in my close girlfriends about something and KNOW I can't tell my family about something......THATS when it finally kicks in that i should probably not be participating in whatever it is that i'm doing.

Like Mr. Cigar. 

I think we came together so that he could teach me a life lesson about myself.  When i think i'm healed, i'm not.  When i think my "mother wound" has healed, it hasn't.  It's never going to go away.  I thought the more healing and living i did the less likely it would be to affect me, this wound.  But if anything, trying to act like it's gone makes it get bigger.

The need to be picked by a man who doesn't deserve me.  Because SURELY he would chose me over a psycho, lying, cheating, no job holding, not to smart woman.  Right?  

Wrong.

I guess it was because i thought he had his shit together, because he is a successful business man, has hobbies he can actually talk about, have good conversations and wants good things out of life, is always growing and reaching for more........i thought he was smart.  But he is just as wounded as i am.  Just as stupid when it comes to the people we fall in "love" with.  

He doesn't know it's obsession yet.  Obviously he isn't going to see it.  When he does, when she leaves him finally or does something so castastrophic that he can no longer be with her.........he will then see.  He will then learn that love isn't painful, it doesn't use people, it doesn't lie, or enjoy watching you suffer.  That isn't love.

Not that i know what love IS.  But i do know what it's not.  And each time i get involved with him i am reminded.  It's not that he doesn't take me out, he does.  It's not that he doesn't text me or call me, he does.  This time, he actually spent time at my place because ......he HAD to.

Because duh, MB.  Even though he badmouther her, told me all the shit she had done and does to him and insisted that they are just roommates, and even though SHE insisted she didn't want him and they are just roommates.........they are, in fact, NOT.  But you already knew that because you aren't in the mist of it.

Yes, she and i talk texted quite a bit this time. And i kept asking myself and them, why are you so involved in your roommates personal life?  I knew.  And i kept saying it much to both of their upset, while they continued to trash each other..........And yes, there i was in the middle.  Because that is where i put MYSELF before i finally realized WTF am i doing here?  This is none of my business.  I want out of this crazy shit.

And i couldn't stop seeing him.  Or caring.

I am mistrustful of most people, especially when a woman who has nothing in common with me wants to all of sudden be my bestie.  I move slow with women, and men when it comes to friendship.  Fast isn't good.  And she wanted to jump right into the middle of it.........so i knew there was a motive and i protected myself.

because if i haven't made it clear, he sure as hell wasn't going to.

I was used.  That simple.  And i knew it, and continued.  And played the idiot.  Again.

Without going into all the crazy details, and i'm really playing down the word crazy because .......it was well beyond that.......I told him she was cheating and lying and showed him the proof, He then brought it to her attention in a fast and brutal way, making me his therapist and confidant.......then she went wild on me (because roommates really have a lot invested apparently) and eventually told me that they had "been together" (not that politely) the day before.

So i asked him.  And he said he couldn't lie, and that they had. 

So i extricated myself from the situation.  

You would think no one is together now, right?  But........i have money on a bet that they will continue to be together, even though they say and do the most heinous things to each other.  

I think it makes them happy.

Do i need to tell you that it doesn't make me happy?  I mean being a spectator let me see just how deep this dysfunction goes.........and i'm grateful that i'm not in her position, always having to depend on a man for a roof over her head.  Or money since she can't keep a job.  

The situation was so complicated with both of them lying through their teeth to me, and no, i really don't care why.  Why have me involved at all is my question.  What did that do for them?

People are fucked up.  I'd wish them well, except they don't want it.  Obviously.

This is the second time i've been involved with a man who chose a dumpster fire over me.

I guess i'm just that good.  It's pretty hard to live up to me. wink wink.  Both men are better off with the crazy bitches they chose.......because they really did deserve to go bottom feeding.  They believe it.  So they chose it.  Over and over again.

Accuse me of dating potential again and you'd be right.

Am i devasted?  uh, no.  But i do think i need to have my head checked when everything i ever told him came out of her mouth with a nasty spin on it.  So he was shit talking me too.  Because that is what they both do.  He will be 60 in two weeks and she is kissing it..........and they behave like high school girls.  Mean girls.

I hope they eat each other, like they would probably have eaten their young had they had any.

sigh.

Okay, done with that.  Again.  

He's HERE!!!

 I don't have all the details yet except that he has "our" dimples and is 20" long!  

Koda woke me up at 2am and i checked my phone to find pictures of the new addition to our family.

I'm beyond excited to meet him.

Not sure when that will be because i'm being respectful ....not sure how they feel about visitors at the hospital and i would like to spend time with them, not run in and run out, which in fairness is what i would have to do because her family is large.

I'm thinking my daughter and grandaugher might come this weekend and maybe we can all go together or something like that.

Anything.  Anything they want.  They were in the hospital Monday night and he was born before midnight last night....thats a long time and i'm sure they are ready for some "no people" time.

Or maybe i'm wrong.

I don't care.....as long as i get to meet him.  And give kisses.  And count toes.  

I'm beyond excited.

I can't stand myself.

he is STILL coming

 No baby yet.  I have the utmost sympathy for my DIL.  This has been a long haul.  Both appear to be in good spirits and were able to get some rest last night due to the epidural.  Smart lady.  Sometimes i think if i had to do it again i might have gone with the epidural.

I'm glad they aren't "rushing" my grandson.  Everyone is good, healthy and there are no concerns.  I had fear that they would rush her into a c-section without need.  They have a LOT of steps to go up and down at their home, and that would have been a lot to deal with.

All i can do is wait.

This morning i asked her (in the family chat) how much she is dilated? and my daughter piped in with MOM!  So i immediately felt chastised.  I apologized and she said she was only kidding.  And then Jess told me the details.

Weirdly, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around Lindsay.   It's her reluctance to spend time with me, or even talk to me.  Something is going on there.  It needs to get fixed because i'm not getting cut out of her life.  Or my granddaughters life.  Sometimes i wonder how much of this has to do with her husband.

Now is the time to dig with the new baby entering our family.  Enough.  Could be all my imagination but what ever it is we will come to the bottom of it once and for all.  

Sometimes i feel bad for my ex.  He missed all of this.  I know he loves his children in his own fucked up way- but he never maintained a relationship with either of them.  He pushed too hard and then not enough.  You basically have to hang on like a rabid dog when they try to get rid of you.  Pretty much.  And mind your business unless asked for your opinion.  And be there.  Wether they like it or not.  It's really no different than raising them.

Now i'm getting regular phone calls and texts from Bill again......i have to say, i do love our conversations.  The banter, topics, the mild flirtation and many disagreements.....I enjoy him when he isn't manic.  I enjoy his touch, his brain..........but his actions are hurtful and predictable.  He says i run, I say he gives me reason to.  Not sure what the point of all this is, but i am willing, AGAIN, to see what happens.  Maybe it's two very fucked up people trying to manage our emotions or maybe he's just a user.  

I don't know.  And right now, it's not my problem.

Work- i'm a little pissed off.  AGAIN i am being left off the website as the coordinator of my program.  Everyone else is listed and they aren't even the ones doing the bulk or heavy lifting of the program.  I AM.  Fuck yeah i want the public recognition.  I'm not invisible.  There is NO ONE else but me managing this program and i'm getting tired of that office always leaving me out.  I honestly hope they DO just take the project over.  Good fucking luck.  They think they can do it better, be my guest.  Have fun with that.  And DO NOT come to me with any questions or problems after having treated me like i don't exist.

Just sit back and watch the shit hit the fan.  I'm moving on.  It hurts me to think the Dr. S would ever find out what they are doing, but i have not personal attachment to any WORK.  There's always more, and they certainly are going to find that out soon.

He's coming!

 My grandson is in the process of being born.  My son and DIL checked in to the hospital at 7:30pm last night to get this party started.  Apparently, my grandson needs a little nudge to join  us.

I kept waking up all night, checking my phone.  I made them promise to call when he made his arrival no matter the time.  I know they don't want me to go to the hospital right away, i remember when it was me and i threatened my husbands manhood if he told his mother because she never had any respect for our wishes and would come barging in anyways.  

You rush to the hospital when someone is dying, not getting born.  He has just entered this world and he needs time with his parents, not every tom dick and harry.  

Also, i have a cold.  A small one.  But enough that I would be afraid to make anyone sick at this delicate time.  

If they call me to come, i will go immediately but i will not be able to hold him.  Maybe a mask?  I will talk with my son and see what he thinks.  If he can think after this long delivery.  I'm worried for my DIL because i know she was scared of childbirth.  I hope all is well.  I can't keep texting.  I'm trying to be patient. 

I'm ready to go wait outside the delivery room.

I know i can't.

My daughter gave birth denying that she was in labor for most of it.  She barely made it to the hospital and then when my granddaughter was born she called me and told me she "did a thing".  

I'll never forget that phone call.  I was so joyful and at the same time devastated because i had wanted to be with her during labor.  I wanted to share that experience with her and she had told me i could.  But when it comes down to it, it's between mother and child.  

I wanted to be so involved with my granddaugher, and i regret that i let my son in law chase me away.  I felt it was more important for their small family to bond without me under their feet (my presense is aggravating to my daughter) and then covid hit.....i missed so much.

I refuse to be scared away from this grandchild.  I'm hoping that now that there are TWO i will be able to spend more time with BOTH.  

I made mistakes with my own children, things i can't go back and change.  One of the biggest was time not spent with them.  I always felt like my presense was not wanted.  I still feel that way.  I know now that it's because of how my own mother treated me, but that doesn't mean a thing to my children.  They should have had me more present in their lives.  

What do you do with regret?  Make sure you don't make the same mistake twice.  I can't wait to hold this little love, and to help in whatever way they need me to.  And maybe my daughter will come around and rely on me to help her too.  We are both capricorns, and asking for help is almost a sin.  But I love my family more than my life and i won't be ignored anymore.

Grammy is HERE dammit.

Mr. Cigar has been calling and texting as if we are together.  I can't figure this man out, although i haven't tried.  He is what he is what he is.  Undependable, a liar, and undeniably attractive to my hormones. Backseat for you Mr. Cigar.  I'll fit you in when and where i want.

oh boy

 If i can't be honest here, where else can i be?

Mr. Cigar came over yesterday and we were intimate. If thats what you want to call it.  I have no fantasies about us being in love and living happily ever after.  Basically, i wanted sex, so did he.  So we came to a mutual agreement.

I'm so over dating.  I can't stand meeting new men.  I am not going into it with a good attitude so i'm just not doing it anymore.  I don't care for the constant texts, the phone calls, the making plans.......the disapointment of meeting yet another liar/jerk/cheater/misfit.  I'm all set with that.

Looking at my life i'm happy.  Work is turning out to be everything i was scared to hope it would be, i'm lucky to have good friends that i get to travel and have experiences with, my family is expanding and i feel getting closer.  Yes, there are things i wish were better, but not where men are concerned.

I'm not going to meet a man that i can trust and depend on by looking for him.  

I woke up yesterday morning contemplating making an arrangement with my ex just for sex.  THATS when i knew i had to do something before i really fucked up.  First, I'm not attracted to him anymore in that way.  Second, he lost access to my body when he  chose someone else over me.  Forever.  Now he lives with his choices and has a different life.  Yes, i love him in a way of having history, a lot of history together and knowing each other better than others.  I could spend time with him, and have, just as friends and thats more than i ever thought would happen.  I will leave it at that.

I watch myself when i answer Mr. Cigars calls.......i wonder if i'm okay in the head.  Or if i'm just horny.  I know he doesn't care if i am in his life or not and i feel like i've arrived at the same place. If he disappears for a few months again, it won't be a surprise.  He will always come back.  What i need from him is nothing.  HOWEVER, i know the intimacy is good and i will get and give what i want.  AND i don't have to date him.

vacation with a puppy

 Koda did very well on the plane ride to Florida and back to Hartford.  Better than his mama.  I came so close to a meltdown each way that i think next time i will self medicate. Airports stress me out.  Racing from one place to another dragging luggage stresses me out.  Trying to manage my carry on, a puppy and my personal item at lightening speed on the airplane.......stresses me out.

Basically, Air travel stressed me out.  Probably because i'm already ramped up about putting my life in the hands of a faceless stranger.  And turbulance.  Lets say i'm not one to applaud the pilot for landing us safely........that seems like the bare minimum.

I do NOT recommend going on vacation with a 12 week old puppy.  He doesn't have control over his bladder yet, and he thinks everything is a chew toy, including people.  He doesn't understand that darkness means go to sleep and that 3am is not an acceptable time to rise and shine for the day.

It was hard because he was peeing and pooping and chewing every single time i closed my eyes for a minute, or got involved with anything that took my eyes off him.  I felt bad, like i was the one peeing and chewing.  Like i was in trouble.  Obviously i wasn't but no one gets real happy over stepping in surprise piddles or having  their furniture and rugs  gnawed on.  I had a little melt down when the men let him out the front door with no leash, considering he still doesn't answer to his name all the time and there is a main road closer than any of us can run to get him if he decided "fuck you, i'm not listening" which is about 90 percent of the time.

Was the first time any of them saw me get really mad, and yell and then end up crying and yelling because the men weren't taking me seriously telling me to "let him be a dog".  When they realized i was serious they were both mortified.  

Everything turned out fine, Koda got to run free "like a dog" in the back yard where it was safer.  I had to womansplain that He does not have that freedom at home in his own yard and getting him used to being on leash is extremely important.

So......my advise is don't bring an untrained puppy.  It was the only choice i had and good thing it was Jen that i got him from so they couldn't really complain. :)

We had a lot of fun and did work to the house, shopped, went to the beach, went out for dinners, went to St. Augustine for the day and visited the torture museum.......went out on a boat twice, once just the four of us and the next time with Ed's friends, who are now our friends.  We went out drinking the day before we left and it was so much fun, then back to their house for dinner and more drinks.  What a day.  It's nice to know good people down there and when they come up to CT in November we are all going to get together again.

I actually got a little homesick and it felt SO good to walk into my apartment after almost two weeks away.  Of  course, now i'm wishing i was back in florida.  

The man i was talking to wouldn't tell me his full name and tried to make me feel like i was being unreasonable by asking for it before we met last night.  So, block.  I don't have time or inclination for this childish behavior from men.  Go tell your wife.

After sharing one bathroom with 2 men i can tell you that the idea of having to share a bathroom with a man ever again  gives me the ick. No Thank You.  

If i'm invited to go down again next year i don't want to share my bedroom either.  I love Ed but he's a man with man ways and there is nothing more irritating than a drunk man in bed with me.  Or under my feet when i'm trying to pack, or sleep or exist.  And he's a GOOD man.  Imagine.  

Several times he said to me "i don't understand how you think" and i finally told him "you don't need to" and that shut him up.  Explaining myself to anyone at this point in life feels like something i have no interest in doing.  So i don't.  

Honestly it was a relief to let the no last name man go.  I don't have space in my life at the moment.  Maybe never.  I have no capacity for tolerance.  So why should i.  

My grandson was due yesterday and has not yet made his appearance.  I am anxiously awaiting his arrival.  I am going to ask my daughter again, if she would come visit with my granddaughter.....bringing the puppy to her place would be a hot mess at this point.  

I went to Amies Wednesday night for a girls gathering and next Thursday i'm going to lunch with Cindy and then to dinner at the elks club with Cathy.  Next weekend is the pool with Sarah.  I am grateful for the wonderful group of females that i call my family.  Through thick and thin, hell or high water, always there for each other.

Jen is going to need a rester from me for a little while after 2 weeks together, but not too long.  I won't allow it. :)

Thats the update.  Wahoo! back to work.