But seriously

 To be in love with someone you only started dating 2 months ago is kinda crazy.  Is it because we both spent an entire school year wanting each other and knowing it couldn't happen?  Or that we thought of each other as "the one who got away" for 40 years?  

I never knew the feeling was mutual.  He knew i had a boyfriend, so that was that.  I knew i had a boyfriend, so that was that.  Neither pursued.  No bad karma.

We go off and live our lives, have our hearts broken (in almost the same way) and have our kids with people who shouldn't have been parents.  We lived mirror lives.  Not surprising, as drug use destroys many relationships. I went through my experience earlier than he did, and that gives me a very good understanding of what is happening with him now.

I think i'm walking in Darryl's shoes in a way.  How do you start dating someone who has teens and a parent that is absent even if physically present?  Sometimes.  And when they are, it's mayhem and upset because of the drugs.  What is your place?  What are your boundaries? How attached do you get to kids who aren't yours?

Darryl.  My son laughs at me when i tell him i'm friends with him.  I think he has very strong feelings about how i was treated, the suffering i went through, and he's not likely to forget.  My daughter,  i wish i knew how she felt .....she took it to heart when we broke up because of how.  He basically threw us all away to go chase Carolines tail.  And look how that turned out.  

Another relationship destroyed due to drug use.  His and hers, ours was because he had a wandering eye.  

I'm seeing a full circle affect here....understanding different views from experience that is allowing me to remain nuetral in a way.  To be cautious.  I know there are pitfalls and people aren't perfect.  

I mean, i'm in love with a man who lives with a woman he hates, who is dying from smoking and previous drug use BUT is the mother of his boys.  She sleeps all the time.  Ignores doctors orders.  He lives in fear that one of his kids will be the one to find her dead on the couch.  

I know what it feels like to live with someone who doesn't care if they live or die and does everything possible TO die right in front of your eyes.  And to have it thrown in your face so much that you start to wish they would.  That if they hate life so much, and only seem to find pleasure in ruining the lives everyone around them.  It' hard to be compassionate when their selfishness is affecting so many lives caught in their web due to whats "right" and "obligation"l.......two things they know nothing about.

Sometimes i want to be that hot girl mess that has a man take care of me.  Even if he hates me.  So what?  He'll keep a miserable roof over my head and thats life.  

No fucking way.  Not me.  Not ever.  I'd live in a boxx on the street first.

But i have no addictions  So theres that.

all good times must come to an end

 

This weekend was fun in a normal, relaxed way that i can see myself sinking into and making a way of life.

Saturday early afternoon Tom came over and took me to lunch and then went to Best Buy to get a laptop.  We got some time alone to talk about probably everything under the sun- then he went to pick up the boys while i snuck in a nap.  Once he came back with the boys we ordered chinese food and Tom and i went to pick it up.  We ate, cleaned up and then watched the Rob Zombie Halloween movie........which i promptly fell asleep during.

I kept waking myself up snoring so i told Tom if i started again to wake me up.......which he had to do several times before i gave up and we went to bed.

The man gives me quite a workout if you get my meaning.  The downside is that all i want to do is sleep after.

The next morning i made breakfast as everyone woke up slowly.  I had a housefull of hungry males.  They were so thankful for scrambled eggs and toast that it made me feel like i had done something magical.  The boys helped me clean up and then we left for an hour ride to the flea market.

We spent a few hours there, and i managed to not buy anything, or let Tom buy me anything.  I need nothing.  I just had fun when the boys showed us there booty........young men buy interesting things.  Toms youngest has a knife collection so he found his next one.  

Once we got back to the house, Tom took a nap on the couch and i made the boys a snack.  We played with Koda and chit chatted as we scrolled through TV.  Adam asked me which knife was my favorite and i picked a small green one......he gave it to me.  I told him i didn't want to break up his collection but he insisted.  I think that was the sweetest thing.  He must think i'm acceptable.

Toms oldest hung out with me in the kitchen while i did some cleaning up.  He talked about his mom, venting about some of his concerns and i listened and made the appropriate faces and noises so he knew he was being heard.  I can't put my opinion into this......it's not appropriate.  No matter what she is their mother and i will never say a word against her to Tom or the boys.  I am neutral and "safe" I'm glad Nick felt comfortable to vent to me.  He apologized for talking too much and told him i would alway s be happy to listen.  No worries.

So it appears we are bonding.

And now the stakes are higher because it's not just Tom.  It's a whole second family and that isn't to be taken lightly.  

Tom is so demonstrative and loving while at the same time, not taking any of my shit.  I felt he was running late coming to see me and i got irritated and told him so.  He said "Whats the probem?" in a way that made my tummy tickle.  He knowds EXACTLY how to handle me. A weenie he is NOT.  But he isn't mean to me in order to keep his alpha status.  He just takes care of me in every way.

I'm in love.  

still quietly waiting

 I can't help it.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  He's too perfect.  It's like he was made for me.  Like we were made for each other.

The situation we are in right now?  I wouldn't be in with anyone else.  He has kids that are still at home, a 17 year old and a 13 year old.  I usually avoid men with children.  I dont want to deal with the baby mama drama, or the push and pull of their schedules and things i want to do.  But with him, it seems easy so far.  His kids are his priority, but he never makes me feel like i come second.  I feel just as important.  And knowing how much he loves them, that makes me feel VERY loved and taken care of.

I know when i'm attracted to a man because i won't be able to keep my hands off him.  But with him, I want to cook for him (and his boys) I want to make sure he's comfy when he's at my house and feels spoiled with my attention.  I want to take care of him.

Thats not usual.  That is for men i've loved.  He makes me feel so wanted so special that i want him to feel the same way.  I'm not doing things for his attention or to prove i'm worthy.  I want to.  I need to. 

He calls me every day on his way in to work.......and on his break.  And then he calls me on his way home and says goodnight.  He's doing the pattern things that annoy the shit out of me when it's from a man i think is dating multiple women.

I'm gushing.

gross.

He also brings me flowers sometimes, always a small gift of some type - and treats me.  I never pay for anything. Maybe a coffee here and there and i have to sternly tell him i got it.  

It's nice to feel peace.  comfort.  like i'm cared for and don't have to worry about if he's betraying me behind my back.

how long will it last though?  I'm trying not to think about the future it will be here soon enough.  But i find myself becoming comfortable and used to his treatment and if he changes it up and becomes a jerk all of a sudden it will suck.

But..........i know this time not to waste years of my life on a man who treats me poorly.  So i'm going to try and enjoy all this goodness while it lasts or for the rest of our lives.

because it makes me feel good to make him happy too.  It's a two way street. 

lets talk about whats his face

 he used to hate that i wrote about him in my blog.  I never should have told him, but considering how often he was the star, i thought it only fair to let him know.

I'm not hard to find if someone wanted to find this blog.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, i've never been with a man (before Tom) who took any interest in anything i have been writing.  Maybe because i'm not a great writer? or they just didn't care to know.

I think it's the latter.  I've only been with men who cared about themselves and put me in the afterthought pile.  If i wasn't serving my purpose, then i was nothing more than a pain in the ass.

It's nice now.  It's nice to be appreciated and praised for attributes i never even noticed as a notable.  Even if Tom and I don't work out.......he's teaching me the qualities I love in a man.  Ones that i will never go without while with a man.   Ever. Again.

Okay so this morning i'm all over the rails.  Lots of work to do.  Found out my checking account is in the red, figured out why.......my fault as usual.  I have to get my finances under control.  One moment of not paying attention and it all goes to shit.  Missing Tom.  Waiting for the Bill outcome in court. Becoming angry at my daughter for not bothering to respond to me anymore.  So many things flying around and hitting the wall.

Finances.  Tom will help me figure it out.  He's good with money.  I have to get over the embarrassment of not being good at money.  It's not laziness as much as fear. regardless of why, i need to get over it and get my shit straight.  Hitting 60 in a couple of years and would like to have a decent credit score and savings maybe?

We/he is buying a laptop this weekend for me to use.  I'm going to record all my finances in a file and keep daily track.  Then hopefully he will review with me.  The purpose of the laptop is a few business adventures we are considering so we can work for ourselves.  He's got the skills and i've got the knowledge of computers and websites.............it's a good match.  He's the maker, i'm the doer.  When someone is in it with me. 

Bill.  He went to court on 10/16 for the arrests and apparently he didn't plead, and his case got pushed to November.  I go on the judicial website about once a week to check if anything has changed.  He really fucked himself by hitting me and Koda.  The man apparently thought i had no limits, no boundaries.......which admittedly were soft with him. Until he hit me.  That solidifies everything.  He didn't care for me, protect me .......and i needed protection FROM him.  Done.  Now i watch his cases with me and his ex.  I want the protective order to stay in place forever......which would mean he will never have his guns back.  I want him to NEVER contact me again in any way shape or form because i know, and have been a victim of his silver tongue.  He is a con artist.  A very good con artist.  He brought me nothing but chaos. 

My son came as close to yelling at me as he ever does when i told him and his wife what had happened.  (the short short version)  He wanted to know what i expected when i was dating a man who owned not one, but TWO war dogs.  Thats what he called the cane corsos.......He said what kind of man keeps war dogs as pets.  

I can't argue.

My daughter.  I went shopping for the kids and bought them clothes.  I sent pictures to my daughter inquiring about sizes because i picked up a leather jacket and a UConn sweatjacket for my granddaughter.  Nothing.  Not a word.  I do not exist in her list of people to speak to. I talked to my son about it, and he was very vague.  The strangest thing is that she has not yet met her nephew.  Something isn't right.  She has completely withdrawn. And taken my granddaughter with her.  

I have to seriously consider what to do.  My son thought sitting outside her apartment waiting for her to come home without announcing my visit first is a horrible idea that she would hate.

I have her not responding so i guess we would be even.

all or nothing

 Work can be so slow sometimes and then all of a sudden everything is on fire.

I've learned how to pay attention to the important fires.  There is a hierarchy and my boss always comes first.  Not previous bosses, and certainly not people who act as if i don't exist until they need something explained.

The program i fell in love with and worked with my now retired boss with for a pleasant 2 years no longer feels like mine.  And if it's not mine, i can't own it.  I go through the motions knowing there is a whole department working against me that doesn't feel the need to clue me in, so when they send me nasty condescending emails asking me a question....

They aren't the first on my list to respond to.

I'm a ghost, remember?  

I'm taking on a lot more in my new role and when the powers that be decided they were going to play games, and that i'd play along.........it was a mistake.

On paper, i "belong" to my boss.  And that is the only one i answer to.  Everyone else, not associated with him, or his work...........is a courtesy in my eyes.  

When something is "mine" and then it isn't......i detach.  

I'm not associated "technically" with the program that I RUN?  Who thought that was a good idea?  

I miss Tom when he's not around.  I mean, really miss him.  I don't worry about what he's doing, or who he's doing it with because he tells me during the course of regular conversation what his plans are.  I don't have to ask, he just talks to me about his life.  What a concept.  And when i do ask questions, he actually answers me.  He doesn't ignore the question, or get defensive.

He likes telling me about his day and his life. He likes listening to my day and thoughts and he even asks appropriate questions because he's listening to me.  Again.  What a concept.

He tells me everything will work out.  We remind each other to be patient.  Slow and steady.  There are a lot of details to consider.  Time will show us the way.  In the meantime, he is stuck on second shift, where his boys and I never get to see him.  It's temporary.  So in the meantime, we talk several times a day on the phone, and text sometimes.  We see each other on Saturday and Sunday, with and without the boys.

The plan this weekend.....yes, we have a plan and it's only Tuesday (what a concept) is for a sleepover Saturday night and spend the day flea market shopping on Sunday.  

It's nice to think about what food i need to buy to feed these men.....to know we will have dinner together at home.  my home.  I want them to be comfortable.  Tom already told me he is giving me money for groceries.....his boys eat a LOT.

So it's not looking like a typical relationship because it's not. He makes sure to get time alone with me, and then we include the boys as well - Time.  In time.  Time will tell once everyone gets comfortable with each other.

He's a good father.  His boys are sociable, funny, kind.....and typical boys.  The love their dad.  It's obvious.  And that is nice to see. It means he takes family seriously and that he takes me seriously.  He treats me like a valued member of his life.

No ass kissing. No faking.  He gets cranky about work and traffic just like anyone else.  He's real.  i'm loving this journey.

nice to hear

 Yesterday Tom told me how proud he is to be with me. 

I mean, there was more to it.......but that was the point.  And he said the words.  He is proud to be with me.  

No one has ever said that to me.  My parents, my friends, my family, previous lovers........I cannot recall one person ever telling me they are proud of me.

Maybe someone did, but if so, i don't remember it.

It made me feel warm all over.  And kind of like crying.  But not in a boo hoo way.  

Yeah.  I had no idea I was so starved until I was fed.

This morning walking in to work I saw a co-worker i'm friendly with waiting at the elevator.  I said "Good Morning" bright and cheery and the man in front of me turned around with such a surprised expression.  His whole face lit up and he smiled and said good morning!  Then I saw the realization that i had been talking to my co-worker hit his face.  I said to him, "isn't it a gorgeous day?"  And his smile returned.  He said, "have you ever mistaken a wave meant for someone else to be yours?"  And I told him, "If i see it, it's meant for me too" and he got such a chuckle.  We told each other to have a nice day and went our ways.

The way that mans face had lit up at the idea of "good morning"..........I think maybe he is starved as well.  Maybe there isn't enough pleasantries in peoples day anymore.

From now on, when i walk down the halls at work i am going to greet everyone with eye to eye contact, a smile, and a "good morning" or a "good afternoon".  That will be the small change i make in my day to day behavior.

I will see people.  And let them see me, see them.  

and so it continues

 I wasn't crazy about the idea of having to support my new boss in a capacity that i did not support my "old" boss.  I worked very independently on my own deliverables and when everyone assumed i'd be the one to support the new guy........i wasn't happy.

He literally fought to have me support him.

I told him i knew nothing more about his position than he did, that i had not supported his predecessor in that role.

I was also afraid that my whole purpose here would be to cater to the new guy.

Gratefully, he is easy to work with.  He likes everything neat, tidy, organized and to flow.  Thats what i do for him.  Mostly his calendar.  And i still have my own deliverables.  I'm still working idependently.

I'm at the point in my life that i work from home twice a week, and i'm in the office 3 days.  I come in early and leave when i'm done.  The clock doesn't rule my world anymore.  I'm not a clock puncher, watching the time until i can go.  

I do love my work.

Most of the time.

And now, Tom.  We both get distracted with work.  His new job, my continuously changing job. 

His life is still very busy.  Mine is whatever i want it to be.  My time out of work is my time.

This weekend we are shopping for a laptop for him.  Or me?  He's buying it, so i can open accounts for him.  We are going to see if we can sell his sexy feet.

I'm not kidding.  There's a market.  He has really nice feet.  Why not?  I may throw my "unique" feet into the mix and see what shakes out.  People have all kinds of fetishes and when i told him some would pay to see his feet, even buy his socks........he was fascinated.

This man has not entered the internet universe.  I'm not sure i want him there.  He doesn't want anything to do with it and wants me to handle it.  With the computer he's buying.   

He has the spirit of an entrepreneur.  I have the ideas.  I love that we've already found a project to experiment with.

Sooooo glad we are too old for an only fans.....which i haven't told him about.  His head my pop off. He is truly a traditional, old fashioned man.........and here i am, ruining him.

I reached out to my son last night and i get to go see them Friday.  I'm showing up without gifts.  Just me.  And then next week I will be more forceful with seeing Lindsay.