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time alone

 I spent the entire weekend alone if you don't count going out shopping.  Yesterday i went to Ocean State Job Lot in Canton because it's my favorite place to find different food that won't cost a fortune (like World Market in West Hartford, which i LOVE but is a litte expensive) It was rainy and dreary cold....so i got dressed (i had planned a pj day) and headed out to browse.  I forgot i had to go through Burlington to get to the store and as i was driving i started to panic.  But it went away.  I drove through, no problems.  The only thought i had was that he is a coward and that i will be taking the hike in the woods very soon.  He won't be there to see my improvement.  His loss.  My gain. I lost more than weight and weakness over the past year.  I made room for self love and self care.  Of course because that was my route when going to see him I was going the think of him, but his influence over my emotions is losing strength....
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what day is it?

 Woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday, and feeling like booooooo. I asked Alexa what day it was.  Twice.  Then i believed him.  Yes, my Alexa is a "He". I don't believe anything he says either until i've confirmed it. HA The project for my besties birthday has me kerfluxed.  I have a few options, and i'm running out of time.  Maybe buying stuff I can't afford is the better option.  No.  I kid.  I just don't know if she will appreciate how much time and planning is going into making her something one of a kind, from my heart. I'm not an artist.  I'm a sentimentalist.  If i make it for you, it's filled with love.   Side trip, i'm making my mini bookcase.  It's an ongoing project that is not original.  One of the downsides of reading library books, or electronic books on my kindle is that I don't have the books to represent how much and what i've been reading.  My comfort.   I saw a few people ...
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C'est moi!

 You ever do something you think you might regret but you go ahead and do it anyways because........you can? I do it all the time.  And a LOT of times, it works out.  Like this haircut.  I'm feeling myself.  I needed an update, a cleanup, something that better represented who i am right now. I don't give a FUCK about what men want.  It's all about me.  It's been a long time coming.  I had that long hair that was a big fat pain in the ass because i thought it would make me more attractive to the male species.   And i no longer care.  I like this short sassy hair.  It fits who i am.   And if i want to have a little flirtation fun sometimes with a man..........i'm going to do it.  Beause i want to.  Not because i think it's what he wants.   Something that hasn't changed over the years........i don't do what i don't want to do. No shame in my game. No giving away what my wants and needs are into the ha...
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This is what happens

 I go for long periods where the idea of sex, because it's attached to man, is a big no go.  If i knew him already, and knew what i was getting involved with.......that would be different.  But a new man at this point in my life feels like a big risk, and a big time sucker.   I've said before, we are single at this point in life, for a reason.  I'm not easy.  I want attention, reassurance, AND to be left alone, a lot.  It's kind of a puzzle to figure out which one when.  That makes me difficult.  I like my alone time.  I like my quiet time.  I also like to go out with my girlfriends and some men apparently are threatened by that.  They don't like me going out with the girls. I'll just say here, that i'm the one who growls at men who approach uninvited, and my girlfriends are all married.  Except me.  So if anyone is going to be a bad influence, it's me and i dont need to have witnesses.....i do better on my own. ...
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here's the thing

 All my energy is focused outward, on whatever male is prominent at the moment.  Or was.  I feel like something has shifted after Marine man.   I was so willing to once again ignore the red flags (love bombing, too much too fast) because i don't want to do the work.  The patient part.  The part where I sit back and learn a man, and if he fits into my life and what i want. It's fun to jump in.  But thats what teenagers do.  They have nothing to lose, like a job, income, housing, sanity...........jumping in blind is not a risk, it's a no win. So i noticed that i did it.  looked for the fun, and not the work of what it really takes to get to know someone.  I don't let friends in that fast.  Because i know the value of friends. Maybe i don't know the true value of a man.  Or maybe, it shouldn't matter till it matters. Anyways, that shift.   I've been called a cold fish, standoffish, hard, and sometimes mean by men th...
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wake up to that.......

 I did not sleep well last night.  I tossed and turned, watched TV, tried to read, had a snack, and smoked a little smoke.......nothing was working.  I woke up around midnight like it was time to go to work....looked at my phone and there was a spicy message. THAT is how i want to wake up.   And go to sleep. Oh, you naughty man.  Setting fires where you cannot put them out.   I've been considering a FWB since the dating thing is a dead end.  Could i?  Without getting emotionally attached?  I think so. I think back to how devastated i was when D and i broke up - it took me 10 years to finally not feel any way about it.  Now, i don't even know how i was with him in the first place.  If he approached me now, as he is, in his situation, i would not even talk to him.  We have literally nothing in common any more. Except maybe motorcycles.  He drive, me ride.  I'd do that.  And i love him in a way we love som...
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i'm not 16

My bestie is really hard to buy for.  She is very particular, and she likes expensive things that i cannot afford. That said, we do not exchange gifts for our birthdays or holidays.  She would go crazy and get me expensive lovely gifts and i can't keep up with that.  I know she meant well.  So we decided no more gifts and she HATES it. Jen likes to thrift shop and pretty much only buys second hand items, like me.  For her birthday last year she demanded i make her a bullet journal like mine.  She loved it, and she wanted one.  So i made her a planner and put a lot of quotes and pictures in it.  She carries it with her everywhere.  She loves it. Bestie, did NOT like the idea that i made Jen a gift.  Did she say it?  No.  But i did feel her waves of "what the fuck" .......so this year, i'm making her gift.   I wrote her a poem, and i am transferring it onto a watercolor painting i did of her birthday month flowers....
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