Walking Barefoot in Snow

 i fell for two avoidant personality types.  The kind that like you fine until you actually want to be with them.  The more you want them, the more they pull away and run. I've worked through "why" in therapy, and i'm pretty sure now that i'm aware of it, i can hopefully avoid it.   I need more than bare minimum.  I need to not give more than one reasonable chance.  I get mad at myself, get "dramatic" about it because i'm ashamed to have fallen for someone who gave me all the evidence that he was not the one. First with Carlos. Who seemed very interested until I was returning the interest.  Then he "got stressed".  I'm not sure if he really is an avoidant though, because he's been with someone for a while and doesn't seem to have a problem staying with her. Maybe it was just me.  He didn't want to be with me but the sex was good.  I just didn't fill any other criteria he had in his head.  He was honest, but it doesn'...

 Mostly I sat and watched TV this weekend.  I did go grocery shopping and managed to go poke around at the dollar store (i needed a foam board) but those were the only two times i left home.  It was COLD as hell.  I did some shoveling just because - cleaned off my car from the snow - and called that my cardio. More conversations with the Marine.  So far so good.  He has some very strong feelings about illegal immigrants that might become an issue if we start dating.  It's never black or white.  It's okay to have differing opinions but when someone has that much fire behind their's.......you wonder if a calm conversation and an agreement to disagree is going to work. So far, that's the only caution signal i'm getting.  He texted briefly throughout the day Sunday, but was with his family and then watching Super Bowl.  I like that he let me know that he was going to be busy but still thought enough to text once in a while. He seems level-he...

 You never know what is on the other end of that conversation.  Profiles with pictures that are not who they are, descriptions that are leaving out the most important parts.......It's a crap shoot. The Ranger guy turned nasty with strange texts and when i told him basically "good luck" he went on a long rant about how fat, old and ugly i am and how no one will ever want to date me. Basically, he sounded like a woman.  Most men, even jerks, would just say "fuck off you fat ugly bitch"....but this one had paragraphs.  Catfished. You always have to be conscious that people are not always what they say they are.   I tend to only talk to one person at a time.  I know, i'm supposed to talk to many, date a few and have sex with one......(a good rule i stumbled on years ago) but damn, i don't have the energy for all that.  Or the interest.  Plus i can't keep them straight.   So, "Ranger" boy off the table, i see what else is going on in my ...

  I wore jeans to work today.  I see people do it all the time but i NEVER...well, maybe when i knew no one would be around.  But I flew in the face of the powers that be this morning and decided i was wearing the new jeans i bought last night because I'm DOWN another SIZE and i'm celebrating. These jeans fit comfortably.  My other jeans were supposed to be snug but i've been wearing droopy butt because i didn't want to buy any clothes "in between".  However, nothing feels better than a new pair of jeans that aren't tight or too big.  I'm proud of me. And this is after a week away on a cruise where i gained 11 pounds.  Must have been water wieght because i'm back to where i left off and dropping. I feel good.  I'm in a great mood.  I hope it lasts! I did the thing and opened the FB dating account again.  I'm being very voyueristic this time......watching.  I started talking to "Johhny" from Thompson a recently retired Air Force Ra...

 Last night i wrote a blog filled with nastiness regarding Bill.  I reviewed every fucked up thing he has ever said or done to me that I ACCEPTED. There are a lot of assholes in the world, we don't have to choose to associate with them.  But i did.   What is wrong in my head that a man like that would hold my attention? My therapist said it was because of how i was raised/watered.  That i chase approval from men who withold, that i want to prove my value, that i want to be picked. I'm a pick me girl?  ewwwwww. Nah, i'm going to have to disagree there.  You don't have to tell me more than once that you don't want me.  But with Bill, he told me that a bunch of times, and i broke it off, carried on only to have him return with a changed mind. And i let him. See, that is the key. He is blocked everywhere.  I can't imagine how he would show up again but knowing HIM, he will.  It might take a year more or less, but he will return.  H...

 After work i had a doctors appointment in Cheshire.  I realized that my tires were extremely low on air. Have i ever written about how much i HATE putting air in my tires?  My husband used to do it, then later Darryl did it.......and i've been on my own with it since then.  I hate it.  It sucks.  It seems very easy however i manage to let more air out than in most of the time. I have prided myself on being able to take care of these things myself.  By making appointments.  For oil changes and such.  But you have to do the air yourself.   I have been ignoring it, because that's what i do.  Let me tell you the ride home after that noreaster was a lesson in why we need air in our tires. So i'm pissed.  I text Darryl and say "i'll take you for pizza if you put air in my tires" and he agrees.  We meet up at two different gas stations, and both have the air machines not working.  Just like where i live.  They are...