Nice evening

 I don't know what i'm supposed to say to one when i'm out with the other.  Do i have to say anything at all?  I mean, they both consistently text me in the evening...No.  I don't owe any explanations to anyone about my whereabouts.  Now i understand why men have been so vague with me in the past.  ahhh.

Plus, i shouldn't alway be so available.  Not that i want to play games, i don't.  But reality is that i am not always available so why make myself so available in the beginning?  So. Noted.

Part of me thinks the reason L stepped it up is because he knows i'm actively dating.  MM hasn't asked me and i haven't told him.  What i HAVE done is tell him i'm not looking to get serious too fast. 

I'm watching myself and don't want to become everything i've hated in men that i've dated.  At the same time, i think i'm finally catching on to how to do this.  Very lightly, very slowly, very laid back.....and let them come to me.

Anyways thats how it feels best.  Can't question interest if they are doing the chasing.

L came over and by the time he got to my place he was overheated and sweaty from sitting in traffic almost all the way here.  Over an hour, going about 1 mile an hour.  I saw relief on his face when he stepped inside to the coolness of my place.  Straight to the bathroom to clean up.  Then sat down with me on the couch where we talked and talked and talked.  Till i realized we were supposed to go out.  He said he wasn't hungry (also on the same med as me) and could we skip it?  The heat had wiped him out.  I was a little sad about no ride, HOWEVER, it gave us some good quality talking time in the comfort of my own home.  And some kissing.

I firmly believe that the way Mr. Cigar kissed me is what made me fall hard for him.  From that first kiss to the very last.....perfect.  His kissing was always outstanding.

L kisses differently, not so aggressively - a little tentative.  Understandable.  I mean, i don't want my face eaten off either...so it took us a little while to pick up a pattern, a beat to follow....but we got there.  And it became very nice.  Very very nice.

Everyone isn't going to kiss like Mr. Cigar, and everyone also isn't going to be a raging asshole like Mr. Cigar.  

We didn't take it any further than that really.  Both of us laughing, mostly me giggling.  "Clothes stay ON, i'm virginal" ....Hey, almost!  

There will be no sexy time with men i'm "dating".  That was a decision I made and i'm sticking to it.  Sex will include exclusivity.  Or they can keep trucking elsewhere.  I get attached when i get intimate like that.  So that is final. 

before i forget this thought

 it's nice not to be bombarded with calls all day, but instead to receive a few "hows your day" texts ...almost as if they are working also and have a little respect for my time too?

MM asked me to his place to meet his family, his 4 legged family, this weekend.  He wants to cook for me and he has a pool.  Now.  Do i want to get into a bathing suit with this man so early and terrify him with my cellulite?  Sure.  Why not.  He said i could bring Koda and that right there is the ticket to my saying absolutely.  Cooking for me?  I can bring my pup and not have to rush or feel bad? Score.

Then, L, followed up and asked if he could come out to me tonight instead of meeting up in the middle.  He's riding one of his bikes so you know i said yes.  BUT that means i want to go for an itty bitty ride because otherwise he's just teasing.  He said of course.  Then i suggested riding out to litchfield county where there is a really cool restaurant i like...... he said......

He will think about it.

Sigh.

If he only knew what that answer did to me.  I did NOT say 'yes daddy" because that would probably blow the whole thing up in our faces.

I guess i'm in a good mood.

No one better ruin it with talking about exclusivity.  I'm dating.  And i must say......so far i like it!

Isn't that special?

 dreamt about the church lady last night.......strange.

Maybe because I'm conflicted about talking to two men at the same time?  But i'm allowed.  It's okay.  I'm not swapping juices with anyone.  The nice thing is that its not entirely on one person, it's spread out so i actually am able to enjoy both without getting overly attached too soon.  I'm seeing how this works.  

No rush.  Just spend time and get to know each other.  Stand back and let them be who they are, show me how they act, and get passed the urgency of having to "be" with somone.  I've never felt more relaxed and honest.  

They are both easy to talk to, as it should be.  I'm keeping it nice and light.  Nothing heavy......actually both of them are telling me some pretty heavy stuff.  Whats that rule?  talk 30% of the time and let them do the rest.  It's more important to listen and see if they are interested in anything i have to say down the line.

Both are caring and attentive.  I nearly cut the tip of my finger off yesterday so my thumb is wrapped up like a cartoon because it won't stop bleeding.  Both showed concern and checked back later asking how it was doing.  Check.

Not that there is a literal check box.  

What do i want out of a relationship? To be seen, to be cared for, listened  to, confided in, known....and still loved.  I  want to have fun and feel safe and know that is my person in and out of each others presence.  Affection, physical and verbal.  Thoughfulness both appreciated and given. The ability to celebrate each other over big and small moments. Understanding. Peace. Safety.

Is that a list that is too long for one person?  

i wore white shorts

 was just thinking that although i have a little ways to go still before i am back to my "comfortable" wieght and size, i'm feeling pretty damn good in my skin again.  About time.

Even when asshole would make comments (about all women all the time) it wouldn't bother me aside from the audacity.  I feel good about myself, how i look, where i'm headed and how i FEEL.  Yesterday i did a yoga pose that is relatively easy and i used to do it all the time because it feel amazing.  For years i couldn't do it because my knees wouldn't tolerate it and i had a hard time getting back up.

Not anymore.  Yes, i creak, but i can DO IT again.  And it feels sooooo good.

I went to see MM's band play Saturday night with Cindy and I didn't feel shy to be seen. AND i wore white shorts....me.  on purpose.  White shows all the sins of a womans body.  I felt cute.  Thats my first sign with getting there.......dressing is so much easier.  Shoes, not so much.  I have been wearing heals but very tentatively because i walk like a trucker in heels.  Not really.  I just fall and break bones.

But not this summer.  I've been wearing platforms and sandals with a little heal and managing to NOT fall.  It' the strength in my legs and ankles that i've been working on, and the wieght loss helps.  And the confidence.  It's all about thinking you can, and then you actually do. 

In other words, patting self on back, i'm feeling awesome.

Do i have the body of a 20 year old? Hell no. That time is over.  Let the youngsters live their glory days.  I'm secure and don't need anyones attention but my man.....which i don't have, so even better.  They have a way of lifting you up, or taking you down a few pegs and i don't need either.

Speaking of.  Talking to two men is interesting.  Both are aware i'm not into sleeping with them yet and i'm taking things very slow.  One or both will lose interest and that will be fine.  Better to know.  OR one or both will actually like my company and getting to know me (more importantly me getting to know THEM).........and that will be glorious.  Or not.  There are a lot of men out there, and as i'm feeling better (i.e. slimmer) they are taking interest.  Fuck em.  I was the same wonderful woman i am now last year and the year before.  I know thats not a popular opinion, law of attraction and all that, but lets be honest, they are aging also and that hasn't deterred me from dating them.  

No more wounded men who haven't done the work to heal, or at least understand themselves.  I'm not a replacement for mommy trauma.  I have my own and manage not to torture them with it.

Little bit heated.  hmmm.  But L and MM have been treating me very well.  Its early.  Theres no competition, or camparision, i'm just living my life the way that feels right and good to me.

creative spurt and learning to date

 I purged all my "junk" again and managed to get my craft supplies organized.  I purchased a long thin table and put it next to my desk, where i work remotely 2 days a week.  I wanted a space to keep out my art supplies, and an area to work on things without having to clean it up or move it around so i could work.  Now i have my "work" area and my "art" area......My home is shaping up after doing one clean sweep and throwing a lot away that i haven't touched in years.

I have some cool plans on how to use my old childhood books.  Most i will give to the kids and they can decide what to do with them. (They asked me to NOT throw or give them away) Whatever they do will be fine.  BUT i kept 3 and i have big plans that i'm excited about.  Now that i have an area set up that i don't have to tear down constantly, i may actually complete these!!

So closets, dressers, corners and tops of things have all been blown through and cleaned out.  I'm feeling nice and calm but i'm still going to sage this place. AND i will be doing a banishing spell for THAT man later this afternoon.  I don't want to wait for another full moon and i just missed this one.  If i have to, i'll just do it again!!

No, i'm not "woowoo" but i do believe in the power of intention and anything that helps me solidify my cutting ties with Mr. Cigar, i am doing.  I must remind myself that man got himself arrested and then instead of being embarrassed over his OWN behavior he got pissed at everyone else, and even tried to insinuate it was partially MY fault!  GTFO loser.  That was the final straw.  

The man i went riding with, L.....we have a bit of a history.  Dated him briefly 2 years ago, found out he is a womanizer (through that bullshit facebook page "are we dating the same guy") and cut him off abruptly and without ceremony.  He's tall, handsome, doesn't seem to have a temper although i'm sensing a general "woah is me" vibe going on with him.  He has a lot of miles though and rides the cadillac of Harleys and is good company......i feel safe on the bike with him. I've changed over the past couple of years and so i'm assuming has he.  I don't hold punches, i'm direct and i say whats on my mind most of the time.  I have nothing to lose.  He seems to appreciate that and has been very direct with me in turn.

We had decided to keep it at a "friendship" place due to all the surrounding complications going on with both of us. I'm not looking to tie down with the next guy so soon after this rollercoaster ride with Mr. Cigar.  The next relationship i get into must be purposeful and with someone who is appropriate, as unromantic as that sounds.

Meanwhile, enter Music Man....who does not hide his interest in me.  Is very frank, and upfront.  Met first time Friday night and had a really nice date in Middletown. No jumping my bones, but also no tearing up like a baby when he kissed me and i giggled. (I did accidentally make one man get teary because i giggled when he kissed me...........that was a NO GO)  It was a good vibe.  I enjoyed his company.

Last night I picked up Cindy and we drove out to Stamford to watch his band play.  He made no secret about being happy i was there, and even walked over to me while playing and did some very obvious flirting.  It wasn't pissing on a tree, but it was "she's with me" which i appreciated.   I do seem to get my attention.....He smiles genuinely, goofs around and has a lot of people who tell me what an outstanding guy he is.  How?  Because he introduced me to people, like literally brought them over to me during thier breaks......

So, very nice, fun, well liked - no drugs, doesn't drink, loves animals, no baby mamas lurking in the background........(for L either now that i think of it) and he likes me too. 

Two totally different men.  Last night on the way home L texted me and asked how my date went friday night.  I said i had fun.  Then he said he was thinking a lot about me.   I told him "you must be horny" to be funny and he got pretty serious.  Yes, of course, thats an always, but no.....that wasn't the main thought. 

Music Man asked me out for today, last night.  

I'm not going to see either of them today.  I've had enough men this weekend.  I'm finding that scarcity is attractive, both ways.  I don't need to stop seeing either one, or tell them i'm seeing anyone else.  I need to actually DATE them and get to know them slowly over time.  NOT sleep with them.  

I'm a grown up.  I can do whatever i want.  And i can take my sweet time doing it.

Musician Man otherwise known as MM

I know.

Another new one.

I actually get asked out pretty regularly, which makes me wonder why I don't say yes more often.  Maybe because it's too much work.  Or i'm not interested in the man who asks? Or they work with me?

There's usually a reason.

About a month ago i started talking to a man on facebook who has friends in common with me. He is a musician, plays bass and of course, is in a band.  He is 65 years old and still rocks out.  I didn't take the conversation too seriously but then he asked to meet me and i agreed.  That was a couple of weeks ago.  I cancelled on him the day before and told him i wasn't really mentally available for dating and i apologized.

He didn't go away.  Once in a while he'd send me a message, and i would answer and that would be it.  He didn't want me to forget him.

But i was focused on Bill.  I wasn't looking for another man or as Bill says "keeping one on back up"......like HE does.  I don't treat people like backup plans.  Its shitty.  And i had been clear with MM that i was "in it" with someone.

After the whole blow up with Bill, I thought about reaching out, but didn't.  I don't want to fill that empty space with a temporary high of attention from someone else.  I just want to get used to the fact that Bill is no longer in my life and that is the way it has be be for my happiness and mental health.  I deserve better.

MM reached out to me, and i responded.  Then i started thinking "why the hell don't i go out with a man who pursues me?  I'm single.  I HAVE been single, acting like i wasn't.  So......I asked HIM out.  And his answer was "Absafuckinlutely".

So tonight at some point we are going to meet up.  I'm thinking Middletown, by the river.  We talk our asses off so we can walk, be on the water, maybe get ice cream or whatever.  Relaxed.  No pressure.  Just meeting up.

I'm not feeling butterflies, my nervous system feels dead.  But from what hear, that's how normal people feel.  It's not him.  It's me not putting the cart before the horse.

65 is really pushing it for me.........but if I recall correctly, Mr. Tattoo is 65 now.  And he was the BEST lover i ever had.  So.  Ya never know.  Not that i'll be finding out too quickly.  

blocked

 I don't like doing it, because i like to know when crazy is stirring up again, but I did it anyways.

I blocked Mr. Cigar.  Everywhere.

Tomorrow I am casting a banishing spell to cut energetic ties between us, and i'm doing a cleansing ritual in my apartment.

Think what you will.  It works.

I'm taking full control and i'm removing him and his energy from my life.  I do not want him popping up again.

In the past, i've unblocked him and he has contacted me or vice versa and as soon as we talk, that's it, i'm in again.  I imagine it's like crack.  An addiction, an obsession, whatever it is, very unhealthy.

One year is more than enough time to waste on any man that doesn't bring peace to my life.  Bye Bill.  Byyeeeee.

Wish i could say it was nice knowing you.