Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Last night i wrote a blog filled with nastiness regarding Bill.  I reviewed every fucked up thing he has ever said or done to me that I ACCEPTED. There are a lot of assholes in the world, we don't have to choose to associate with them.  But i did.   What is wrong in my head that a man like that would hold my attention? My therapist said it was because of how i was raised/watered.  That i chase approval from men who withold, that i want to prove my value, that i want to be picked. I'm a pick me girl?  ewwwwww. Nah, i'm going to have to disagree there.  You don't have to tell me more than once that you don't want me.  But with Bill, he told me that a bunch of times, and i broke it off, carried on only to have him return with a changed mind. And i let him. See, that is the key. He is blocked everywhere.  I can't imagine how he would show up again but knowing HIM, he will.  It might take a year more or less, but he will return.  H...

 After work i had a doctors appointment in Cheshire.  I realized that my tires were extremely low on air. Have i ever written about how much i HATE putting air in my tires?  My husband used to do it, then later Darryl did it.......and i've been on my own with it since then.  I hate it.  It sucks.  It seems very easy however i manage to let more air out than in most of the time. I have prided myself on being able to take care of these things myself.  By making appointments.  For oil changes and such.  But you have to do the air yourself.   I have been ignoring it, because that's what i do.  Let me tell you the ride home after that noreaster was a lesson in why we need air in our tires. So i'm pissed.  I text Darryl and say "i'll take you for pizza if you put air in my tires" and he agrees.  We meet up at two different gas stations, and both have the air machines not working.  Just like where i live.  They are...

 ugh.  It's totally true.  As soon as you have ANY contact with the "individual" you are thrown right back into the cycle of having your whole nervous system thrown out of wack. I looked.  I tried to look anyways.  At his social media.  Why?  Because i'm an asshole that has to poke the bear.  We can still send each other messages apparently, but I can't see his page.  I CAN see that he changed his profile picture. And that sent me into a heart pounding, nauseous state. It's true.  You have got to leave it be.  Or it sets you off.  Not in a good way. That mother fucker with his cheesy ass smile on his bald ass head. Psycho.  His social media is nothing like his life.  Liar. Okay.  I feel better now. No more doing that MB.  

 I was up at 4:30am and couldn't go back to sleep because of the intrusive thoughts i wrote about in my last entry. I took a luxurious shower, took my time getting ready, made myself lunch, cleaned up the kitchen and scrolled social media.  Then i left the house at 6:45am because there was nothing else to do that would't cause me to go back to bed. As i was pulling into work i saw the moon.  It was huge and very much THERE which made me think of Darryl.  My ex. of course. So i texted him "do you see the moon?" and he called me. Talking to him now, after all these years, is a comfort.  We had 13 years together, he knew me when i was unmedicated (lol) and there was a lot of pain associated with him.  I grew a lot with him.  And he betrayed me.  But that was 10 years ago and i've continued to grow and heal and learn.   There are worse men then him out here. And there are better. He will always be Darryl.  So talking to him is like talk...

 When i was a kid I hated having Thanksgiving at our house.  My mother, who was far from a good cook, would use every single dish in the house and pile it up in the sink.  When dinner was over, i had to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen.  By myself. All those 80's movies of families celebrating together and all the women in the kitchen cooking and cleaning up with aprons on and girl talk?  Bullshit.  At least for me.  I was alone in the kitchen with a disaster. My mother wasn't domestic and she didn't have a job for most of my young life.  I remember her sitting in her rocking recliner and reading books while she watched soap operas and drank coffee that i brought to her like a little servant. I did the chores and i learned how to clean by spending time at Cathy's house.  Her mother was and is neat as a pin and thats where i learned how to keep a home.   I've been cleaning most of my life.  I'm not new to it.   W...

 We've been friends for over 20 years.....met at work when we both used to smoke.  She's been there through all the changes, divorce, moves, job changes, good time, bad times.......we don't see each other as often as we used to but when we do, it as if no time has passed. I was supposed to go out with her last night for drinks.  Then we changed it to dinner at her house.  Then i cancelled, then i invited her to my house instead.  Neither of us is really in a "good" place.  So she came over and we ordered dinner, no alcohol, and caught up on our lives. By the end of the night we made a pact between us.  If either of us even THOUGHT about getting in touch with, or having ANY communication with the losers we just dumped, we are to reach out to each other first.  No judgement.  Just calm reminders of how these men acted, how we felt about it, and why it is never a good idea to repeat the same mistake. At least make a NEW mistake. Because really, ...