Walking Barefoot in Snow

 sometimes i don't feel like writing and i have to push myself.  I find that if i get heated about something, or have some random thought i find interesting.......it's easier.   The reason i write about men is because that is the unsettled part of my "perfect" life.  There is more to my life than men, and the pursuit of the one for me.  Or, more accurately, the sitting and waiting for the one for me. I am proof that if you eat a bunch of junk, don't excersize, and don't pay attention to the needs of your body.......it will stop working for you.  I gained so much wieght due to several factors, and trying to excersize was a joke.  Everything hurt all the time.  And i hate moving and sweating unless there is an orgasm in the distance. It occurred to me, that if i can't walk a trail that used to be a cake walk.......what if i couldn't have sex anymore either?  I mean, it's been a long time.......and THAT was the final straw.  Well, that...

 sitting is the issue.  Ever since falling full force onto the router and possible breaking or cracking my tailbone sitting is uncomfortable.  Walking, standing.......stretching, all fine.  Sitting = no go. That makes work intersting.  Since i sit at work.   Heard from sexy Carlos this morning.  Can't help it.  The man makes me smile.  And he's always been honest with me.  If i could go back in time i would have handled that whole situation differently.  But i can't.  And this is where "we" are.  An occasional hello.  He's in a relationship, i'm not willing to be a side chick so we just touch base here and there. Maybe next lifetime.   He was fun.  And kind. And sexy as hell. yum. Nothing really to write about except that yesterday was a difficult day for some reason.  I feel like Bill was in my head all day and that.......isn't a good thing.  That man is history.  Now if i can get h...

 I don't know how i feel about this. I use AI at work because it saves me time and it has actually taught me where my weakness is in writing..i get kind of thrilled when i copy a letter i wrote into it and there are very little changes.  So, professionally, i'm learning from it. Sometimes i copy a blog i wrote and have AI give me feedback.  Not on the writing, which is just a brain flush of free writing....but the thoughts behind it.  Recently i realized i could change the tone, and have AI stop being so correct and polite with me, and sound more blunt.  Point out the inconsistantcies in my thoughts.... That has been an eye opener. During my week out of work sick in bed with no one bothering me, it was easy to remain detached.  I had a little struggle with not reaching out to men in my previous life...but i was able to maintain and control my impulses. AI pointed out that it was easy to remain strong when there is no conflict.   So that gives me t...

 I thought after a week of bed and rest i'd be all set for Monday morning and yet here i sit....feeling nauseous and a bit nervous about farts i cannot trust. Isn't that sexy? Well i'm back in it, ready or not.   I fought with myself all weekend not to send a text to Bill.  This should be a non-issue. Yet, the temptation is there.  But i held fast.  Just like when i quit smoking.  The urge comes and goes to this very day, and i do NOT pick up a cigarette.  Same with Bill. After blocking mr. cranky I am officially not talking to any men.  wooohoo.  Lets see how long i can keep that streak up.   I want attention. Affection. Love. And none of that is gonna happen wasting time in shitholes like online dating sites. The plan is to make a plan.  I would like to join a book club.  A ceramics class. or an adult education class that is just for fun.  That will get me out of the house, and meeting new people in general, no...

i purchased a used rebounder that is basically brand new a couple of weeks ago.  It's much bigger than i thought it would be and my concern is that if i don't have it out, i won't use it.  So i rearranged my bedroom and now i have a place to sleep/dress/work out.  I can leave everything out because all i have to do is close the door. You know, in case anyone ever actually visits me. I have to get the rebounder from my friends house where i left it when i couldn't fit it in my car because i was not smart enough to break it down.  long story.   Now that i have room for my equipment i dragged out my yoga accessories and gave it a good restorative workout last night.  It felt quite literally amazing.  My room feels peaceful, restful and it has gone from being a place i wish i shared to a place that is purely for me and me alone. And it feels like heaven. It feels like home. Oh, i heard from cranky pants at 10:30pm last night.  He texted me asking...

 Maybe i have actually learned that I am happy by myself.  I watch a woman on tiktok who lists off the reasons she is happy to be single and live alone.  I laugh out loud when i listen to her because she hits it right on the head. Today, not having beard hair in the sink.....that's the one that had me laughing.  Every single man i've dated has beard hair in his sink.  Not Carlos.  He was the exception.  But even mr neat and tidy perfect man Bill had those little cut hairs in his bathroom sink.  I remember rolling my eyes when i saw that.  Not so perfect, eh? It's small things like that.  That will drive a woman up a wall.   If all i've been wishing for is peace........i have it.  Sometimes its quiet.  Sometimes i wish for a companion.  And then i date a little bit and it just doesn't balance out.  I have yet to meet a man that makes giving up my singledom worth it. Bill wanted me to give things up for him, t...