werewolves or coyotes?

 Last night one of my gf's came over to hang out and talk. Koda lost his mind.  He would not calm down.  Jumping and licking and basically driving us mad.  I ended up gating him in the kitchen and that lasted for a little while, then had to put him in his crate.

He would NOT settle.  I've never seen him like this.  This week with him has been a trial, like going back to the begining again, only this time he's 15 pounds of determination and will.  

I did change his food to Blue, which is much better than what i was giving him.  I fed him what he had been fed, so as not to upset his tummy during the transition.  But this week i bought Blue for puppies and mixed it in with his old food.......he LOVES it.  Gobbles it.  

And i'm wondering if the food has anything to do with this most recent uptick in energy and freshness.  

He woke me at 2:30am, with consistent crying and whining from his crate.  This is unusual for him now because he usually holds it until 4:30am -5ish.  So outside we went with very little flourish.  No songs of Potty time, no dance of hurry lets get to the door.  When we DID get to the door we both stopped and looked at each other.

WTF?

I carefully opened the door and the two of us stood there in the threshold listening to the sounds of....wolfs? Coyotes? Dogs?  A LOT of them.  In the distance but loud.  A pack of canines, lets call it that.  Howling, barking, yipping............at 2 in the morning.

So we looked at each other, shrugged and went down the front steps to take care of his business. Then ran back into the house and locked the door.

It was so loud we could hear it from inside when listening for it.

Strange.  I think that's what must have made him wake up at such a strange hour for him.  

What the hell was that?

Be careful brushing your teeth

 Be careful brushing your teeth if you also keep your dogs toothpaste on the bathroom counter.

That is all I'm going to say.  In my defense, it was 4:30am and technically i was not fully coherent yet.

Thats how the day started, i sure hope it doesn't continue like that.

Today i get my picture retaken and i get my work badge changed to reflect where i really work.  It's fair, because it's in the system.  I feel like the red headed step child who gets kicked out only no one bothered to actually tell me and someone else took me without telling me either.

I'm still doing the same projects I was doing.  But for someone else. Apparently.

I'm also doing work for someone else and learning more........still not as busy as i'd like to be and resigned to just doing what i'm told to do.  I have only a short many years before i retire, and i need to lay low until that time.  If they can't use me appropriately, no one needs to know.  I sang it from the rooftops.....and got nothing from it that i can see, so.  My job is done.

Carry on.  

I can't complain when I work with leadership at the top of the food chain here.  I'm just gonna do what i'm told.  And smile.  Big.  I can do it.

Make no mistake, i like the people i work with, i have what is considered a cush job and i know it.  The issue i have is that for a couple of years i felt ownership of what i did, and still do.  Now i realize it's just a cog in the wheel and "they" will make changes without asking or even bother to tell me.  So i should be grateful not to answer to the SOM anymore.  I'm a full on Hospital now.  

And that's not a bad thing.

Right?

Who can complain about working remotely twice a week and being in the office 3 days?  Living 5 miles away from work? Living in an affluent town even if i'm not?  I have nothing to complain about.

nothing new

 I had a nice weekend at home.  Didn't see anyone aside from the guys at Modern who worked on my car.  I putzed around the apartment, binge watched some bad tv and worked on the day planner for Jen's birthday.

i haven't had a response from my daughter regarding my granddaughters birthday.  I'm starting to get worried AND annoyed.  It takes two seconds to answer a text.  No one is THAT busy.  So she must be avoiding me.

Why is my question.

What did i do now?

or what didn't i do that i was supposed to do?

I think at this point in my life my kids are the only ones i ever feel like i could possible be "in trouble" with.  I don't much care what anyone else thinks, unless it affects my paycheck.  Not sure if thats good bad or neither.  Its the way it is.

Fully concentrating on gifts for the holidays since i want to make them.  Maybe it will be appreciated and maybe not.  But they all from the heart.

Little tokens of my love.

Speaking of.  I'm losing interest in L.  I haven't cut him off, because i'm trying not to be rash but i don't feel like he's very interested either.  And if he is, there is no effort, always a reason or excuse.  And that's okay.  I feel the same.  Like it's just too much effort at the moment.  

I want to do what i want, when i want, how i want and not have to anwser texts that are meaningless.  I miss Bill. And i don't.  That was way too complicated and way too many emotions and feelings.

Something in the middle would be nice.

conjured

 I feel like i conjured the ex bf by writing about him.  

He called me last night, out of the blue.  We used to sometimes text each other but then he stopped answering and i stopped wondering why.  Until he sent me a picture of his daughter, with my friends daughter.....because the two ex men hang out together now, only with their daughters instead of me and my friend.  LOL that cracks me up a little.

Anyways. I had made a tiktok about how you can tell so much just from a man's kiss.  I had been thinking about Mr. Cigars kiss and how it had roped me in to something i otherwise would have run from.  I mean, i have pretty strong feelings about being cheated on. I was postulating about other men that have kissed me, and how only a very few have swept me off my feet...........and how i now blame it on the damn kiss.

It's in the kiss.

And i reminisced about my first "adult" relationship (after my divorce to my high schools sweetheart) and i described how he took it, and how i let him.....and blah blah blah......how he swept me off my feet.  You get the idea.

Incidentally, Mr. Tattoo had that very same effect on me.  

I guess my ex likes to watch my tiktoks because when he called he told me he had to watch it a few times, but he KNEW i was talking about him.  Well, yeah, dumbass.  I spent 13 years chasing your ass because of that kiss.

See the connection?  The kiss.  The chasing.  

So he called me to tell me he knew it was him.  And he was so sorry he messed it all up.  And i said he had his daughter now, and he wouldn't have had that if he stayed with me.  And that was that.

A few weeks ago, i got a message from Henry.  I had dated him off and on and had really enjoyed him but his temper was quick and severe and i ended it swiftly the last time.  And a little brutally.  Come to find out he had been seeing someone all along........smh.  HE sent me a message on Instagram "hope you are doing well".

Yes, motherfucker.  I am.  

But the thing that rocked me .....today.  I got a message from Mr. Cigars business account on FB telling me he loves me that he misses me, that he is in counseling now that we made a great couple, etc......

I felt like i had been punched.  And i cried.  And that isn't a feeling i want to have ever again.  The only way he will go away from my life is if i do NOT engage.  And i don't want him in my life.

Maybe next lifetime.  But not this one.

The universe is throwing my exes at me with a vengenance and it's because she wants to know if i've learned my lesson?  Do I want more of the same or am i ready for real love?  Real love for myself.  Real love for my life, and what is good for me.........for what i deserve.  

I am.  Onward. 

down in a hole......la la la laaa

 Sometimes i fall down a hole.......i don't even know what led me to where i ended up.

I searched my ex bf's baby mama on line.  I haven't heard from her in a long ass time.  She used to pop up out of the blue but the last time i blocked her on everything.  I always felt obliged to tell the ex that crazy was on the warpath again, but after a couple times.......why the hell do i need to know.

The fact that she thought we were friends?!  

Just because i agreed with her that he was an asshole did NOT make us friends.  Silly rabbit.

Anyhoo.  I looked her up to see if she had been arrested lately.......and instead found the house listing of where they made their happy little family.  

What a shithole.

I mean.  Really.

It could have been cute if anyone had a clue how to decorate.  I guess i expected him to move to a better place when we broke up.  I left the house/home i loved so he could stay there and he took his TV and the ONE piece of furniture that he promised he would give me to her house.

It was in the pictures.

It looked REALLY out of place.

meowwwww.

Just goes to show, you love who you love and nothing else matters.  He "loved" her and then he got down to her level.  I'm not sure what he was expecting.  She was a huge downgrade.

And all these years i've been feeling like an old hag because she was so much younger than me......Nah.  He lowballed in many ways when he made that poor choice.

Sarah, my girlfriend, was super pissed that our exes had their daughters on their motorcycles.....i wouldn't have liked it either, but they had helmets on. (rolling eyes) It is what it is.  OH!  thats what sent me down the rabbit hole.  Talking about them last night with Sarah.

Yeah.

Things are WAY different now.

L sent me a "can't get you off my mind" text.  Lets give his stats a rundown:  He owns his home, is clean, cooks, has an outstanding job at a really good place, has two harleys, a boat, and i feel safe when i'm with him on the bike.

We will have to see about the boat.  

When he retires he wants to get a toy hauler so he can travel with a harley.  We see eye to eye on the traveling part.  So at least i know my retirement dream isn't something that will need to be put away if we ever ended up together.  We have the same vision of what retirement should look like.

To think, i lived with a man who gave me up for a tweaker who couldn't even decorate.  

Okay thats enough bitchiness for the moment. 

life in general

 Today i havre to work on a contract and it's probably my least favorite thing to do.  However, the more i do, the more i know and the less expendable i become.  Learning is good.  I can do it, i'm just not overly comfortable doing things i don't absolutely know every detail of.......i hate looking stupid.

I guess some others aren't so concerned about that.

Met Sara out last night for a couple of hours. It's always nice to just sit and bullshit with her.  We catch each other up and then we see each other again in a few weeks or months.  We've been friends for over 20 years......she was a co-worker and we bonded.  We've had a lot of adventures.  

It seems that her ex, the father of her daughter, and my ex have been hanging out a lot lately - probably because they have daughters around the same age.  He had actually sent me a picture of the girls together and it made me think how small the world is.  Imagine if you never reached outside of your own little world and only associated with people you've known forever.  Nothing wrong with it, but where is the growth?  

I need both.  My constants, and new people with new ideas.  It inspires me.  It also allows me to value my constants most times!  

My bestie.  Her negativity about literally everything is driving me away.  I'm so tirrd of trying to make her see the positive side of every situation, including her 3 week vacation she just returned from.  She was complaining about it before she left, during, and ful force when she returned.  What i see, is how she looks at everything, negative.  And her husband is miserable,.  He's the MOST negative. Literally everything has something wrong with it.

I am tempted to say something, but then.......it's just who she is.  So mostly i just listen now.  Me trying to make her feel better about anything is a waste of my breath.  So i just listen and get drained.  I can't tell her much about my life because she develops very strong, NEGATIVE, opinions about it.  

And there is a pill for everything.  Sometimes i wonder if all her meds aren't the problem.

It must be hard trying to live in an imperfect world.  

I flet like L was pulling back and I did nothing about it.  I respond when he reaches out, in kind.  I feed him what he feeds me.  This morning he was telling me about his boat and how i can fish with him or just soak up the sun.  He wants it in the water before the end of the season so he's been busy with it.

Maybe this is how relationships start.  Slow. Easy. No stress or worrying about "what it is"....OR maybe neither one of us is on fire about the other.  I don't know.  I'm no good at this stuff.  What i know is that he doesn't give me the ick, he hasn't alarmed me, or pissed me off.......so far so good.

Is this love, that i'm feeling......Is this the love that i've been searching for?

 Lyrics.  HAHAHAHAHA

I'm not feeling any love for any man aside from my family and friends.  

Ex bf reached out last night out of the clear blue.  I had sent him a few random texts over the past couple of months and he never responded.  I felt a little bitchy about bothering to respond to him this time.

Maybe next time i won't.

I hate it when i sent out messages and get no responses.  

Its the least invasive way to be in someones life and if even THAT is too much for them........well, know your place MB.

Aside from that yesterday i noticed that i hadn't heard from L all day.  Then a text late in the day saying he just got back (I knew he was going on an all day ride with his club) and i responded with "cool :) "  Not going to ask, he's going to have to fill in the blanks. I can get used to this not doing all the work job.

Worked on a few projects and binge watched the Show Widows Bay .....have to finish the last episode today because i couldn't keep my eyes open it was late.  How that show is listed as a comedy is beyond me.  It IS very funny but also very creepy and scary.  Loved it.  Kind of reminds me of American Horror Story's first season.  So different, and original. 

Lots of work to hopefully do today if i get what i need from the PITA.