and so it continues

 I wasn't crazy about the idea of having to support my new boss in a capacity that i did not support my "old" boss.  I worked very independently on my own deliverables and when everyone assumed i'd be the one to support the new guy........i wasn't happy.

He literally fought to have me support him.

I told him i knew nothing more about his position than he did, that i had not supported his predecessor in that role.

I was also afraid that my whole purpose here would be to cater to the new guy.

Gratefully, he is easy to work with.  He likes everything neat, tidy, organized and to flow.  Thats what i do for him.  Mostly his calendar.  And i still have my own deliverables.  I'm still working idependently.

I'm at the point in my life that i work from home twice a week, and i'm in the office 3 days.  I come in early and leave when i'm done.  The clock doesn't rule my world anymore.  I'm not a clock puncher, watching the time until i can go.  

I do love my work.

Most of the time.

And now, Tom.  We both get distracted with work.  His new job, my continuously changing job. 

His life is still very busy.  Mine is whatever i want it to be.  My time out of work is my time.

This weekend we are shopping for a laptop for him.  Or me?  He's buying it, so i can open accounts for him.  We are going to see if we can sell his sexy feet.

I'm not kidding.  There's a market.  He has really nice feet.  Why not?  I may throw my "unique" feet into the mix and see what shakes out.  People have all kinds of fetishes and when i told him some would pay to see his feet, even buy his socks........he was fascinated.

This man has not entered the internet universe.  I'm not sure i want him there.  He doesn't want anything to do with it and wants me to handle it.  With the computer he's buying.   

He has the spirit of an entrepreneur.  I have the ideas.  I love that we've already found a project to experiment with.

Sooooo glad we are too old for an only fans.....which i haven't told him about.  His head my pop off. He is truly a traditional, old fashioned man.........and here i am, ruining him.

I reached out to my son last night and i get to go see them Friday.  I'm showing up without gifts.  Just me.  And then next week I will be more forceful with seeing Lindsay.  

What is there to say

 I don't have much that i want to write about so that tells me i'm feeling pretty good.

I have my moments.  But they pass.  I'm mostly very content.  I'm in a new/old relationship that is slowly unfolding.  It has it's complications, as do most adult in their 50's do.......there have been whole lives before us.  I love the way he treats me.  Not over the top, not sickening, not nice enough that i want to smack him.........not fake.

I believe him.  I trust him.  I don't see red flags anywhere, and i'm not ignoring concerning behavior.  I'm not talking myself into loving him.

I'm just enjoying his consistency, the fact that he has a life he attends to but makes room for me.  Aside from his kids, he makes me a priority.  Happily.  Not grudgingly.  And he doesn't announce it looking for a medal ....he just does it.  I watch his actions and i see how much i mean to him.

Saturday was such a great day.  He and his boys came and picked up Koda and I and we went to Sleeping Giant to walk up the mountain.  The boys took off, as boys do, and we made our way up at a steady and enjoyable pace.  One where we could talk, laugh, look at things......he showed me where the different paths were to get to the rock climbing...he even convinced me that the next time we go, just he and I, we will use some of those paths and he will help me if needed.  

He thinks i can do things, and that makes me think i can do things.  And when i tell him how uncoordinated i am, how little i know how to use my body.....he says he will help me.  And he does.  Without attitude, without making fun of me. We took pictures, and at the top at the castle we took pictures of us and the kids, i made sure to take many of him and his boys.  

His boys.  They are good kids.  Happy, cordial, polite, talkative, open, well behaved.......eager to know me and open to my very surface questions.  He doesn't need me to be a step mom.  He is doing a fantastic job on his own.  I'm leaning on my memories of how Darryl used to treat my kids and i'm following that path.  An adult that cares about them, not an authoritarian, but also not exactly a "friend".  Because they are part of Tom, they will be folded into my world also, and hopefully we can have our own relationships.  

Without telling too much that isn't mine to tell.........their mother is unwell.  Very unwell.  And it hasn't been an easy road for any of them. 

So when she began texting them Saturday night to tell them she was home from the hospital, i knew it was going to make them feel torn.  They were supposed to all spend the night.  We had gone hiking all day, and came back to my place and made a huge batch of tacos for dinner.  Then they picked a scary movie to watch (and it was scary)....they would have put another on but i asked  them if they wanted to go home and see their mom.

I said we should postpone the sleepover, they hadn't seen her in a week.  And they jumped at it.  Tom was disapointed, i could tell, but it was the right thing.  I could tell they didn't want to go, but at the same time did want to go.  

I feel like i should be the soft landing for them.  There are enough hard truths in their young lives.  I fucked it all up when my kids were teens.  I wasn't empathetic to their struggles of all the changes we were going through, i was so scared, so worried about survival and trying to make a new life (yes, with a man) that i was insensitvie to their needs.  Yes they were teenagers who wanted to spend time with their friends, but i should have been there more consistently, even if it meant spending nights and weekends alone waiting for them to come home.

Instead, they waited for me.  And it is my only regret.

So when Tom starts showing he is struggling between his wants, which is to be there for his boys and to be with me.....i remind him that i'm not going anywhere.  They are growing up and soon enough they will have their own lives and getting that time with them might be difficult.

Its why i've told him that the boys are always welcome.....implied in every invitation to come over, or go out and do something.  I'm the new person.  

He has a way of speaking to me that makes me feel very cared for.  Example.  I had told him that i couldn't find pineapple spears in coconut water at my Aldis anymore.  That either they were no long stocking them or someone was buying them up before i could get there.  Yesterday he was shopping with Adam and he called me to tell me he found them. How many jars did i want?

A passing comment and he remembered to look.  

He showed up with a dozen roses Saturday.

He asks me questions when i'm telling him stories.  He TALKS to me and tells me stories about his past as well.

He is outstanding in the sack.  Sorry, had to say it.  It's nice to be with a man who can actually have sex and do it well.  Seems like so many have ED or some kind of health problems, and who knows? Maybe he will someday also, but NOW he doesn't and i'm sure as hell taking advantage of that.

He is romantic, traditional, smart, dependable........He offered to get me out of debt and then i could pay him monthly with no interest.......I declined, of course.  But he has mentioned several times that he would help me improve my credit rating.  

I feel taken care of.  Not controlled.  I feel valued, not used.

And when thats all i want to write about, i guess i tend to keep positive emotions to myself.  Maybe i don't want to have to eat my words if something changes, or if a new side of him emerges that isn't attactive.....i don't want to feel stupid.

But i do trust him, and he does make me very happy.  And apparently vice versa. And for once in my life i would like to trust that feeling.

I'm working on it. 

Never before

 Have i been so openly cared for and wanted - publically.  

Every day he surprises me again with his ability to communicate and his willingness to talk to me about anything and everything.  He tells me what his day looks like before i even can ask.  He shares his thoughts with me.  He listens to what i tell him and remembers stories i've told him.

Like a man who really cares about me, and is interested in getting to know me in detail.

It's not an instant relationship  because it can't be right now.  But I have never felt so natural, at ease and calm with someone and been extremely turned on by him at the same time.

Usually it's one or the other.  I'm not willing to go without either ever again now that he has shown me it IS possible and i'm not being too picky or asking too much.

I can't stop looking at him, touching him when he's near me, hugging him spontaneously (because HE HUGS ME too) and the grab and kiss move.  Yes it's the honeymoon period.  But with all the dating i've done, it's never been like this.

There are no red flags.  Even though he has two young men, his sons, that he is still raising.  He started late.  The boys have met me, and we've spent time together.  He told me he isn't looking for a mother for them, they have one.  But it's important that we know each other and have a relationship.  He doen't keep us seperate. He is a good father, and that is highly attractive to me.

AND he adored his mother.  Another good sign.  

But what it comes down to is how i feel when i'm with him, and how i feel when i'm NOT with him.  I have no doubts, i have no suspicions or concerns.  I know i'm the only one for him and vice versa.  He is trustworthy.  

His baby mama is what keeps us from being together constantly.

He owns a home, he bought it when she got pregnant with his first son 17 years ago. They never got married but they were in a relationship.  They had a second son 13 years ago.  They all live together, along with a 32 year old son she had from a previous relationship.  Tom is the only one who works.  She is on disability and her health is very very bad.

She's one of those that smokes and is on oxygen.  They have a very tumultous past.  She has a  record, is a former drug abuser, and has very litte to do with her kids..  He and her haven't been together in almost a decade.  It went bad shortly after their second son was born.  He assures me, there is no love between them, and hasn't been for a long time.  He needs help with raising the boys, an adult to be there when he is at work, and even that is too much for her.

Not my story to tell in detail.  But she is the obstacle.

Didn't i JUST get out of a bad situation that involved another woman?  Yes.  Yes i did.  And do I feel like this could get very messy?  Yes, yes i do.  And do i think the two situations are alike?  No.  No they are not.

He's not with her, hasn't been with her, but he treats her like the mother of his children.  Green flag.

He has a LOT to be bitter about where she is concerned, and he treats her like the mother of hiss children.  

He does not hide me, OR flaunt me.  He is openly with me.

She has nowhere to go and he feels like he can't just kick her out.  At the same time, he's more than done.  

I just had to say it out loud.  She lives with him.  He could be lying to me and playing me the way Bill did.  However, all signs point to him telling me the truth from day one when he told me his life is complicated.  

He isn't asking me to fix his life, or raise his boys.  He doesnt need money.  He does need me to care about his boys and understand that he is 100 percent responsible for them and neither of us woud have it any other way.

So there.  Thats the situation.  And i'm still happy and secure.  And......I know it's early and only time will tell but i have never felt this way about a man, or been treated so well in my life.  

THAT is the only situation that is my concern.  He will take care of the rest. 

Girls night

 I did not take one picture and i wish i did.  I hope when/if i get old i can remember the night 4 of my closest girlfriends came over with their projects with a days notice.  Only two people weren't able to attend and they were missed.

It wasn't a big deal with a lot of back and forth on date and time and dealing with everyones schedules....it was a last minute text with "hey come over and hang out with me while we work on our projects" invite. Very happy that i have that many women in my life that i can consider close friends.  And all very different.  

Right before they were due to come over i turned on the robot vacumm cleaner to finish up so i could go take a shower.  As i finished cutting vegetables for the charcutterie board I smelled something.  Poop.  The puppy pooped on the floor and the robot had literally dragged it all over the living room.  So i cleaned it all up frantically and my home smelled like poop and bleach.

Lovely.

I ran around lighting every candle i own hoping it wouldn't make it WORSE, because it was hot and humid yesterday and i couldn't open the windows when i had just cooled the apartment down with the air conditioner.

No one knew.

Except when i told them.  Everyone insisted it smelled good and wouldn't have known.  ALSO as each woman arrived they walked around my apartment exclaiming how much it had changed, how ME it is, and how much bigger it seems......they oohed and ahhed about how i had done things....I was very flattered and because each one did it as they came in i know they weren't trying to hype me as a group.

We ate, drank, talked and laughed.......and it was low key and not complicated.  People came when they could and left when they had too.  No big deal.  Just happy to see you.  I'd like to do more of these nights.

However, the next thing i need to plan is a game night for everyone,  And that is going to be more of an event.  Probably in January after the holiday.

After they all left i facetimed with Tom for an hour and a half.  It was the first time we did that.  It was nice to see his face while we were talking.  I've never instigated that kind of call with a man because i'm wary of their intentions and usually correct.  But i just wanted to see his face.  No funny business was even suggested aside from him wanting to drve over immediately.  Today he is bringing me donuts since he brought it up and gave me a huge craving.  

Tonight is the reunion.  I'm wearing jeans and a nice black blouse, bringing my DIRT t-shirt to change into for the show after.  A big night for us "coming out".  He loves to go out with me and immediately holds my hand and takes care of my every want and need right down to putting me in the car.  It's nice to be treated well.  

He is not the type to let me walk all over him or rule him.  He is a traditional, old fashioned man who has never been on a dating site and has only had a smart phone for 2 years.  He banks in person, pays his bills by mailing checks and was fascinated by the concept of venmo.

He's not constantly online shopping for a better woman to fill his empty minutes.  He's not texting and emailing with other women.  I'm it.  

I like that he is attentive, but not possessive.  I like that he left me to hang out with my friends without having to fill the time with another womans attention because i wasn't available.  He thinks of me and hr TELLS me........not in a strange wimpy way.  He is all man.  Very self possessed and sure of himself.  NOT cocky, doesn't have the attitude that i should be lucky to have him........he feels lucky to be with me.

After 40 years.  BUT we happened fast on the tail end of a bad situation and i want to make sure we are both on board because of who we are, not a space to be filled.  Slow and easy.  Learn and watch.  and most of all...........ENJOY the process.

All the lessons in the world

 Had dreams about Mr. Cigar last night.  Nightmares actually.  

I mailed the letter i wrote to the court last week.  I want the judge to understand that this last episode was not the first time he frightened me, or overstepped himself.  I want that protective order to stick.  Right now it has no end date because he has court for this on October 14th.  I'm hoping my letter will reinforce the need for the protective order to stand, so that he cannot contact me in any way shape or form.  I sent printed screen shots of the accounts he has used in the past to contact me when he is blocked.  

My feelings for Bill snapped the minute he lost it on my that last day.  I went from thinking i wanted a future with him to not being able to get away from him fast enough. 

Does that make me fickle?  That one situation can so finally change my mind?  I mean, it happened with my ex also, the moment i found out he was sleeping with another woman.

My brain snaps.  Disconnects.  Finishes.  Like a sword coming down.  But i never know what is going to do it.  Yes, it still hurts after that disconnect happens, but there is no way i can stand to think of that mans hands on me again.  I can feel it change.

Today, for some reason, Mr. Cigar is forfront in my brain.  Keeps interrupting my thoughts.  Not in a good way....it's more like i know he is stirring.  Like the demon in hell.  I know he's thinking about me and that is the last thing i want.

I just invited my girlfriends over to my place tomorrow night for a "bring your project" night.  We can sit around drinking wine and working on our projects while we catch up with each other.  Or sing.  Or have pillow fights........hahaha.    It's last minute so i don't expect everyone to come but so far a few have said they will be there.

Sometimes you just need a good girls night in comfy clothes.  These are my friends, and i'm throwing them together.  Most know each other, but not everyone.  I'm sure it will be fun.

I haven't talked to Cathy since last weekend when she invited me over for soup.  It felt a little strained.  I get so frustrated when everything that comes out of her mouth is a complaint or negative.  I'm sure i've driven her crazy as well.  I just have to ride this period out and hope she eventually stops finding something wrong in every single situation.

She cares too much.  About what other people are doing or how they are treating her.  I guess i've become numb to my kids not needing me, i don't take offense.  I don't take it personally.  I just want them to be happy.  Cathy needs to let a lot go if she is ever going to be happy.  But i can't tell her that.

I'm excited to see Tom Saturday and go to the reunion and then DirtFest.  I've missed his company this week.  He was sick this weekend, but did come for a short time with his son just to lay eyes on each other.  He started a new job this week and he isn't really happy.  They want him to train on second shift, and that has thrown him off.  

We are going slow and easy, getting to know each other and not rushing into anything.  I just got out of a messy relationship and he has his own complications and kids that need his attention.  I already look foward to his messages, and phone calls.  We can't stop talking most of the time.  

Work will be picking up again now that it's October my project kicks into gear.  I can't believe the summer is over already.  Next it will be the holiday.  

Time flys.  

I can't keep waiting

 for the other shoe to drop.  

So far, it hasn't.

Aside from the one disagreement Tom and i had, over something i told him that he did NOT like......which in reality, he shouldn't if he cares for me.........we haven't had any issues.  Yes, i'm purposely being obtuse.  There is something in my past that came about in conversation while we were taking gummies....and he had a difficult time with it.  I became immediately defensive, which didn't help.  But we talked it out the following day and he has a better understanding.  Sometimes the movies are just the movies, and not real life.  Thats all i'm gonna say about that.

We spent the day at the Berlin Fair together with his boys checking in with him periodically - I got to spend some time with them and him.  He calls me, texts me, talks to me about real things, listens to my long ass stories (I have shortened them because he is so patient) and he remembers things i've told him.  We are getting to know each other, again.  

Yesterday afternoon he came over with his youngest, 13, and we watched football and i tried to do paper mache.  I brought out my clay and they were playing around with it while we talked.  Then they went home.  His son wasn't ready to go.  I think thats a good sign.

Tommy told me we had to talk about a few things the next time we are alone......and i have a good idea what it's about.

First i want to say this.  Out of all the men i've dated he has every attribute that i have been attracted to in other men.  Besides the above, he brought me flowers, red roses.  He made me a trinket box and he is always bringing over little gifts for me.  He doesn't trauma dump.  He doesn't make excuses for his behavior because he hasn't acted in a way that needs it.  What a nice change.

He loves Koda.  

With all that said, I find myself in the same situation i was literally just in with Mr. Cigar.

There is a woman at home.  

The mother of his children.

He told me about her the first time we talked.  That his life is "complicated".  Oh, how i hate that word.  

He said she lives downstairs, has her own room and he and the boys live upstairs.  They coexist but have no relationship outside of the boys.

That sounds pretty typical for two people who have been together for 17 years.

They aren't married. They are together because they got pregnant unexpectedly,  So he bought a house, and set up a life with her to raise their son. They had a second son.  He wanted a family.  He didn't know she had a serious drug problem - and it all blew up in his face when the police raided their home and she was arrested while he was at work.  

Tom has been married before, once, and had an amicable divorce with his ex wife.  They carried on for another 4 years after they divorced.  He just couldn't live with her, they were young, and he wanted to settle in and she wanted to go out and party.  He doesn't want to get remarried.  He did it already.  He has the same attitude about it that i do....."why get married?".

When everything blew up with this current woman, he told her he was only there for the boys, that they were done.  It's his house.  She doesn't work.  She is also very depressed and sick since she got off the drugs 7 years ago.  She does nothing.  He said her health is really bad, that she smokes on an oxygen machine and has no relationship with him or the boys.  

It sounds horrible.

The boys really don't have a relationship with her.  Tom raised them.

He says he needed help with them.  He needed someone home with them while he went to work.  His mom had passed, his brothers both had their own problems going on and his sister had a very ill husband.  He had no one he could trust to help him raise the boys.  So he tolerated her being there.

Yes, i understand that this is one sided.  And that she may have a very different story.  And i remain nuetral because i don't know her, and I really don't want to get involved in another fucked up situation where there is a man going back and forth lying to two women.

However, the boys are very aware of me and seem to like me.  They have made comments about their mother always sleeping and that it's always been them and their dad.

I still reserve judgement.  

Tom wants us together, and .............so do I.  But i don't want to rush into another situation that isn't what it seems.

He said it's time for her to move out of the house.  She had nowhere to go previously, and he wasn't going to just kick her out with her health being the mother of his sons.  But her brother has done very well for himself, and has apartments she can rent.  He says it's time. 

He assures me it has nothing to do with me other than he wants a different life.  He hasn't been living aside from working and raising the boys.  He wants a relationship.  And then i sent him a message and we talked and met up....he said he's not letting me get away a second time.

I'm in no rush.  I do have feelings for him.  But i need time for the excitement to wear off and see what is really there between us.  The chemistry is off the charts, we naturally treat each other very well, even the fact that he has sons that are young doesn't bother me because HE is raising them.  

so thats where im at right now.  I think about Bill and all the bullshit i went through and i want to go back and tell myself that i shouldn't have to fix a man or a situation.  I shouldn't have to be the one he dumps all his trauma on, as if i don't have my own vested interest in the outcome.

I just don't want a repeat.  Tom is worth it to me to be patient, but i don't want to be caught up in the dissolution of there living arrangment.  I told him i wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't take it as well as he seems to think she will.

Time needs to pass and I need to watch.

This is what it's supposed to feel like

 I can't wait for tonight.  Tommy is coming over and i have the day off from work tomorrow.  We can spend some quality time together. 

We can't seem to shut up around each other.  Talk, Talk, Kiss, Talk........laugh our asses off.  I can't help but think that i wish we reconnected again so much sooner.

But we weren't ready.

I hope we are now.  Time will tell. 

Seems very fast,  but we had our first "conflict" that i mentioned previously.  We had taken gummies and I can get ridiculous thinking everything is hysterical when i'm under that influence.  He asked me a question about one of my tattoos and some of my knick knacks around my apartment and i gave him a very direct answer.........while laughing my ass off.  So the timing wasn't ideal.  Nor was my delivery or his reception. He became very quiet, and all of a sudden had to go home for "his boys".  How am i to argue with that?  Can't keep a man from his kids.  So he exits quickly and i am still stoned, so i'm still happy.

Until the next morning when i wake up and remember the conversation.  Oh. Shit.  Not how i wanted to tell him.  I would have eventually had that conversation had it ever come up naturally.  I do feel he, as someone i want a relationship with, has a right to know.  I don't like secrets or omissions that can come back and ruin your future.  I won't lie about anything because I don't have regrets.  Everything i've ever done or lived through has given me experience and growth.  Doesn't mean i'd do it again. 

So next morning i don't hear from him.  Finally around 10am i text him and say "second thoughts?" and he basically says yes and why.  I kind of knew based on him leaving like his ass was on fire....and not hearing from him multiple times at the crack of dawn, so i wasn't surprised.  BUT i was hurt.  And then i got angry.  And then i let him have a peace of my mind.  

We weren't unkind to each other, but we weren't agreeing.  And looking back, it was probably the first adult disagreement with a man i've ever had that was reasonable and respectful.  We both walked away from it feeling like it was resolved and neither of us had to be the "wrong" one, or the "bad" one.  No one felt like a jerk.  And we carried on as we have before after coming to the conclusion that we both had feelings about the information i shared and that the past is the past, and i have no feelings or regret, however that is over now.  

He was very clear about how he felt about me, moving forward.  And i agree.

So it worked out.