Weekend stuff

I haven't been trick or treating since my kids did it when they were little.

This year, I went with Tom and his son and son's friend. They walked around hitting up candy and we stood in the street trying to keep track of them.  Tom had parked the car and then we walked for a couple of hours around a huge neighborhood in Massachusetts (where they live) and these people know how to Halloween.  Most houses had whole yards decorated, some with music, most with lights - bon fires in the front yards, movies playing against garage doors.........it was very festive!  I kept thinking how much fun my kids would have had in a neighborhood like this trick or treating.

One man approached us and asked if we were old enough to vote.  I looked at Tom like "oh no a politician" and they started laughing as the guy held out a pumpkin filled with ice and nippers......praise jesus.  Now that is how to do it.

I'm thinking next year i'd like to set up a projector against the building showing Nightmare Before Christmas, and decorate in front of my apartment, get dressed up and hand out candy.  I can't have a fire, but i can have a pretend cauldron with dry ice....No one decorated for halloween in our neighborhood.  Maybe i can be the sunflower witch!  "that lady grows sunflowers, has Captain Spaulding hanging in her window and dresses up like a witch on halloween"

And walks barefoot in the snow, and collects Buddha figurines. If her windows are open you can hear 70's love songs, mixed with 90's rap and death metal ..........or a nice acustic Fleetwood Mac with Bob Welch before Stevie joined..........you never know.

But i digress.

I peed in a gas station bathroom.  By that time, it was a glorious sight.  

After we dropped the boys at home, we went back to my place and relaxed then to bed.  I woke up around 1am to a kiss on my head, hearing him leave.  I wasn't happy about it.  Felt like a temper tantrum, but then he texted me that his son needed a ride.

This is where i start thinking about if i can handle a man who is the sole support of his teenage boys and so my reaction was not simply about him leaving in the middle of the night.  It was all the things it will represent.  We talked about it the next day, Sunday, and he told me next time he will wake me up and i can keep him company.  I agreed.  Solved. 

I'm really not selfish, but i don't know how to navigate this.

He is worth it.

He's a better father than i was a mother.  

Later in the day he and the boys came and picked me up, then we went thrifting in Ct and MA.....The man was exhausted.  He took us out to dinner, and then i forced him to come in and get a power nap in my room while the boys and I watched south park.  They are both so different and yet both so like their father.  We chit chatted, and then Tom woke up and they went home.

It was a lovely weekend.  Last night Tom told me that the boys talked about me all the way home and told him to keep me.  I think thats good.  I'm quite sure it isn't my cooking.

what is intimacy?

 I think shutting my eyes and falling asleep next to a man is intimate.

There's literally no reason to sleep.  Get up, go home.   Live your life.

I honestly haven't enjoyed having a man i barely know spend the night with me just because we had sex.  I had my eyes open, I was aware of every move..........sleeping with someone means your gaurd is down.  Waking up to someone the next morning.......i can tell a lot about how i feel by those first few moments and the quality of sleep i had next to him.

That said.  

Bill never spent the night here, but i spent the night at his house several times.  The first, was because we had imbibed quite a bit of alcohol, so i wouldnt call it sleeping.  Also, that man wasn't capable of having sex so......it was so i didn't drive drunk.  Sorry. It's true.

Any other nights i spent there were immediately following us reuniting (as you recall, that happened quite a bit) The one night stay over and then back to business as usual.  I really think he was sent to me so i could see just how much i HAD NOT learned about trying to be loved.

You can't make someone love you.

I tried that with Darryl.  Over and over again. He loved my love.  He did not love me in the way that a man wants to protect and nurture a woman he loves.  Keep her safe from harm and hurt.......Many times he was the cause of my harm and hurt.  And then it would be my fault

Which it was, because i wasn't strong enough or smart enough to walk away and be on my own......which i always was anyway, while being loyal to him.  I just wanted him to love me back.  

You can't make someone love you.

Carlos.........he told me straight off, the first time he invited me to his home "bring an overnight bag because you are staying"  We would stay up all night.  Watching movies, playing games, smoking, drinking, and having outstanding sex.  He wanted it as much as i did.  He just wasn't in love.  And i was seeing him as the perfect man.    

You can't make someone love you.

I did have the opportunity to ask him why years later.....he said I was fun, he liked me a lot, but he just didn't love me.  It was that simple.  

It's what i've been chasing my whole life and every time i think i don't need it, a man enters into the picture.

I knew Bill and i were a temporary thing because it was Bill.  And i had gotten to the point that i no longer felt excited to see him, i didn't want to be at his gorgeous home, and i didn't want to do the things he wanted to do.  I found more wrong with us than right........but i had to see it through to my bottom line.  

When someone shows you they don't care about you, believe them.

You can't make someone love you.

No one can love you better than yourself.

Tom.  He is good to me.  It's only been two months.  It's been a juggling act for him, working a new job second shift that he doesn't know if he wants to keep doing, or if he wants to keep that shift.  He has wonky hours compared to the boys and I.  And he is the one taking care of groceries and bills (he still pays in person) and household stuff.  He is raising he sons, who are his priority.

All honorable.  All respectable.

And yet, i realize this is the reason i don't date men with children still at home.

Last night we went out trick or treating with his youngest and his friend.  We walked for miles and hours and had a blast.  Then we brought the boys home and headed back to my place where he was to spend the night and we were going to spend the day together today.

But his youngest asked him what they were doing tomorrow.  And i could tell he was conflicted.  So i naturally said it was okay, we could all hang out.

I should't have made it so easy to break plans with me without an emergency.

Last night i felt him kiss my head, heard him walking around and then heard my door close.  Then his camaro started up and he left.  I lay there wondering if he had ever really planned on staying.  I had the feeling he wouldn't make it through the night and i had mentioned it to him.

I felt tricked.  Come home, have a snack, have sex, go to sleep and wake up alone.  Normally this would sound absolutely lovely.

But it's Tom.  And i have feelings.  And i believe him that he does too.  

His oldest texted him that he was at a party and needed a ride home.  So he left.  Nothing wrong with that.  Except i felt some kind of way that made me feel like a selfish bitch.

He had to go get his son, and drive home a girl his son met, and bring his son home.  It wasn't that they were intoxicated.  The kid needed a ride.  

That didn't and still doesn't sit right with me.  But, i'm not the mother.  This is what dating a man with kids is.

Today he will sleep in, because he was up most of the night.  PERHAPS he will want to come see me tonight. 

I'm not feeling it.  I'm not here to fill your sex needs (which i also have) and then be pushed to the back burner.  Thats what i felt like.  Because he didn't come back.  I'm sure he was tired.  He didn't wake me and ask me to go with him, because i'm sure he was  trying to be nice to me.......but all i feel is that he never intended to stay in the first place and he could have just told me that.

I keep asking him to stay the night, the boys aren't alone, and he doesn't have to go into work until late afternoon weekdays.  But he hasn't.

Why.

Does he need to be home so his............roommate..........(here we go again) doesn't know he is out all night?  

But why would he have me so involved with his boys?

I have hit my first mountain to climb with Tom.  Everyone has a complicated life, but I do something about my complications when i know it's keeping me from living.

It's only been two months. 

Flu and GLP1

 I don't advise taking both of these shots on the same day.

Side affects from my GLP1 are faigue in the extreme, like it's difficult to keep my eyes open yet my sleep is disruptive.  I can't STAY asleep and i can't STAY awake either.  Last night i went to bed by 8pm knowing Tom woud call me around 10ish on his way home from work.  So i got a few hours of solid sleep but the rest of the night was a shit show.

Even Koda was disturbed.  Every time i woke up he was on the side of the bed looking up at me. No wonder i'm beat today.\

I've been re-organizing my crafting stuff again.  Consolidating and making it easier to grab and go in one shot.  It makes me more likely to actually work on projects.  I told Tom to bring his project, what he can, so he can work on hiss stuff and we can still spend time together.

Thats the thing.  He always comes to me because of his living situation.  I like having him and also the boys sometimes spend time here but it seems unfair to him.  He has things he needs to get done too, and projects he wants to work on (stay tuned we are expanding that together) but because of his living situation i can't go there.

I asked him where she thinks he and the boys are when they are here........she doesn't ask,  Doesn't care.  That wouldn't fly with me. The boys are never in a hurry to leave, which says a lot too.   It's definitely not a happy home nor has it been for a very long time.  I just can't imagine my whole family disapearing every weekend OVERNIGHT and not caring enough to even ask?

There always has to be some kind of conflict or complication .  As much as i stay out of it, by being nuetral when the boys talk, or Tom talks about how their life has been lived for the past 10 years....The trauma that has occurred.......because of drug use and the people who are addicted.  Not sure why these people have kids (my ex, his life in) so selfish.  

In the meantime, and it won't be for a long time, i'm remaining quiet.  I'm just watching how this all plays out and paying attention.

We have an overnight away planned in November with the boys. They haven't stopped talking about it since i brought it up. Tom says they never did things like that before as a family.  It's always been him and his boys.  Just them.

I'm not looking to save anyone but at the same time, all i have to do is live the life i'm already living and include them......it's easy on my end, and apparently easy for them too.  I worry that they will feel conflicted and at the same time it's not fair they haven't experienced a family night away....

But seriously

 To be in love with someone you only started dating 2 months ago is kinda crazy.  Is it because we both spent an entire school year wanting each other and knowing it couldn't happen?  Or that we thought of each other as "the one who got away" for 40 years?  

I never knew the feeling was mutual.  He knew i had a boyfriend, so that was that.  I knew i had a boyfriend, so that was that.  Neither pursued.  No bad karma.

We go off and live our lives, have our hearts broken (in almost the same way) and have our kids with people who shouldn't have been parents.  We lived mirror lives.  Not surprising, as drug use destroys many relationships. I went through my experience earlier than he did, and that gives me a very good understanding of what is happening with him now.

I think i'm walking in Darryl's shoes in a way.  How do you start dating someone who has teens and a parent that is absent even if physically present?  Sometimes.  And when they are, it's mayhem and upset because of the drugs.  What is your place?  What are your boundaries? How attached do you get to kids who aren't yours?

Darryl.  My son laughs at me when i tell him i'm friends with him.  I think he has very strong feelings about how i was treated, the suffering i went through, and he's not likely to forget.  My daughter,  i wish i knew how she felt .....she took it to heart when we broke up because of how.  He basically threw us all away to go chase Carolines tail.  And look how that turned out.  

Another relationship destroyed due to drug use.  His and hers, ours was because he had a wandering eye.  

I'm seeing a full circle affect here....understanding different views from experience that is allowing me to remain nuetral in a way.  To be cautious.  I know there are pitfalls and people aren't perfect.  

I mean, i'm in love with a man who lives with a woman he hates, who is dying from smoking and previous drug use BUT is the mother of his boys.  She sleeps all the time.  Ignores doctors orders.  He lives in fear that one of his kids will be the one to find her dead on the couch.  

I know what it feels like to live with someone who doesn't care if they live or die and does everything possible TO die right in front of your eyes.  And to have it thrown in your face so much that you start to wish they would.  That if they hate life so much, and only seem to find pleasure in ruining the lives everyone around them.  It' hard to be compassionate when their selfishness is affecting so many lives caught in their web due to whats "right" and "obligation"l.......two things they know nothing about.

Sometimes i want to be that hot girl mess that has a man take care of me.  Even if he hates me.  So what?  He'll keep a miserable roof over my head and thats life.  

No fucking way.  Not me.  Not ever.  I'd live in a boxx on the street first.

But i have no addictions  So theres that.

all good times must come to an end

 

This weekend was fun in a normal, relaxed way that i can see myself sinking into and making a way of life.

Saturday early afternoon Tom came over and took me to lunch and then went to Best Buy to get a laptop.  We got some time alone to talk about probably everything under the sun- then he went to pick up the boys while i snuck in a nap.  Once he came back with the boys we ordered chinese food and Tom and i went to pick it up.  We ate, cleaned up and then watched the Rob Zombie Halloween movie........which i promptly fell asleep during.

I kept waking myself up snoring so i told Tom if i started again to wake me up.......which he had to do several times before i gave up and we went to bed.

The man gives me quite a workout if you get my meaning.  The downside is that all i want to do is sleep after.

The next morning i made breakfast as everyone woke up slowly.  I had a housefull of hungry males.  They were so thankful for scrambled eggs and toast that it made me feel like i had done something magical.  The boys helped me clean up and then we left for an hour ride to the flea market.

We spent a few hours there, and i managed to not buy anything, or let Tom buy me anything.  I need nothing.  I just had fun when the boys showed us there booty........young men buy interesting things.  Toms youngest has a knife collection so he found his next one.  

Once we got back to the house, Tom took a nap on the couch and i made the boys a snack.  We played with Koda and chit chatted as we scrolled through TV.  Adam asked me which knife was my favorite and i picked a small green one......he gave it to me.  I told him i didn't want to break up his collection but he insisted.  I think that was the sweetest thing.  He must think i'm acceptable.

Toms oldest hung out with me in the kitchen while i did some cleaning up.  He talked about his mom, venting about some of his concerns and i listened and made the appropriate faces and noises so he knew he was being heard.  I can't put my opinion into this......it's not appropriate.  No matter what she is their mother and i will never say a word against her to Tom or the boys.  I am neutral and "safe" I'm glad Nick felt comfortable to vent to me.  He apologized for talking too much and told him i would alway s be happy to listen.  No worries.

So it appears we are bonding.

And now the stakes are higher because it's not just Tom.  It's a whole second family and that isn't to be taken lightly.  

Tom is so demonstrative and loving while at the same time, not taking any of my shit.  I felt he was running late coming to see me and i got irritated and told him so.  He said "Whats the probem?" in a way that made my tummy tickle.  He knowds EXACTLY how to handle me. A weenie he is NOT.  But he isn't mean to me in order to keep his alpha status.  He just takes care of me in every way.

I'm in love.  

still quietly waiting

 I can't help it.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  He's too perfect.  It's like he was made for me.  Like we were made for each other.

The situation we are in right now?  I wouldn't be in with anyone else.  He has kids that are still at home, a 17 year old and a 13 year old.  I usually avoid men with children.  I dont want to deal with the baby mama drama, or the push and pull of their schedules and things i want to do.  But with him, it seems easy so far.  His kids are his priority, but he never makes me feel like i come second.  I feel just as important.  And knowing how much he loves them, that makes me feel VERY loved and taken care of.

I know when i'm attracted to a man because i won't be able to keep my hands off him.  But with him, I want to cook for him (and his boys) I want to make sure he's comfy when he's at my house and feels spoiled with my attention.  I want to take care of him.

Thats not usual.  That is for men i've loved.  He makes me feel so wanted so special that i want him to feel the same way.  I'm not doing things for his attention or to prove i'm worthy.  I want to.  I need to. 

He calls me every day on his way in to work.......and on his break.  And then he calls me on his way home and says goodnight.  He's doing the pattern things that annoy the shit out of me when it's from a man i think is dating multiple women.

I'm gushing.

gross.

He also brings me flowers sometimes, always a small gift of some type - and treats me.  I never pay for anything. Maybe a coffee here and there and i have to sternly tell him i got it.  

It's nice to feel peace.  comfort.  like i'm cared for and don't have to worry about if he's betraying me behind my back.

how long will it last though?  I'm trying not to think about the future it will be here soon enough.  But i find myself becoming comfortable and used to his treatment and if he changes it up and becomes a jerk all of a sudden it will suck.

But..........i know this time not to waste years of my life on a man who treats me poorly.  So i'm going to try and enjoy all this goodness while it lasts or for the rest of our lives.

because it makes me feel good to make him happy too.  It's a two way street. 

lets talk about whats his face

 he used to hate that i wrote about him in my blog.  I never should have told him, but considering how often he was the star, i thought it only fair to let him know.

I'm not hard to find if someone wanted to find this blog.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, i've never been with a man (before Tom) who took any interest in anything i have been writing.  Maybe because i'm not a great writer? or they just didn't care to know.

I think it's the latter.  I've only been with men who cared about themselves and put me in the afterthought pile.  If i wasn't serving my purpose, then i was nothing more than a pain in the ass.

It's nice now.  It's nice to be appreciated and praised for attributes i never even noticed as a notable.  Even if Tom and I don't work out.......he's teaching me the qualities I love in a man.  Ones that i will never go without while with a man.   Ever. Again.

Okay so this morning i'm all over the rails.  Lots of work to do.  Found out my checking account is in the red, figured out why.......my fault as usual.  I have to get my finances under control.  One moment of not paying attention and it all goes to shit.  Missing Tom.  Waiting for the Bill outcome in court. Becoming angry at my daughter for not bothering to respond to me anymore.  So many things flying around and hitting the wall.

Finances.  Tom will help me figure it out.  He's good with money.  I have to get over the embarrassment of not being good at money.  It's not laziness as much as fear. regardless of why, i need to get over it and get my shit straight.  Hitting 60 in a couple of years and would like to have a decent credit score and savings maybe?

We/he is buying a laptop this weekend for me to use.  I'm going to record all my finances in a file and keep daily track.  Then hopefully he will review with me.  The purpose of the laptop is a few business adventures we are considering so we can work for ourselves.  He's got the skills and i've got the knowledge of computers and websites.............it's a good match.  He's the maker, i'm the doer.  When someone is in it with me. 

Bill.  He went to court on 10/16 for the arrests and apparently he didn't plead, and his case got pushed to November.  I go on the judicial website about once a week to check if anything has changed.  He really fucked himself by hitting me and Koda.  The man apparently thought i had no limits, no boundaries.......which admittedly were soft with him. Until he hit me.  That solidifies everything.  He didn't care for me, protect me .......and i needed protection FROM him.  Done.  Now i watch his cases with me and his ex.  I want the protective order to stay in place forever......which would mean he will never have his guns back.  I want him to NEVER contact me again in any way shape or form because i know, and have been a victim of his silver tongue.  He is a con artist.  A very good con artist.  He brought me nothing but chaos. 

My son came as close to yelling at me as he ever does when i told him and his wife what had happened.  (the short short version)  He wanted to know what i expected when i was dating a man who owned not one, but TWO war dogs.  Thats what he called the cane corsos.......He said what kind of man keeps war dogs as pets.  

I can't argue.

My daughter.  I went shopping for the kids and bought them clothes.  I sent pictures to my daughter inquiring about sizes because i picked up a leather jacket and a UConn sweatjacket for my granddaughter.  Nothing.  Not a word.  I do not exist in her list of people to speak to. I talked to my son about it, and he was very vague.  The strangest thing is that she has not yet met her nephew.  Something isn't right.  She has completely withdrawn. And taken my granddaughter with her.  

I have to seriously consider what to do.  My son thought sitting outside her apartment waiting for her to come home without announcing my visit first is a horrible idea that she would hate.

I have her not responding so i guess we would be even.