Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I'm appreciating my life this morning.  Drove in to work and took purposeful notice of my surroundings.  The beauty of the sunrise, the moon still visible in the sky, mountains in the distance - a beautiful morning. Pure luck.   I had nothing to do with being born in this country, or this state.  I had nothing to do with being born a white female in a rich country. And i'm poor.  I live paycheck to paycheck and pray nothing astronomical happens because i will be homeless.  It's a real thing. And STILL i am lucky. No one is bombing my neighborhood.  No one is destroying my country, devastating my people - for whatever reason they feel is justified. I'm not worried that the school down the street will not be there tonight or that the children going there will no longer live. Thats not part of my normal day. yet. I don't know about politics.  What i do know is that people are people are people.   We are all the same.   ...

 I had that giggly, can't stop smiling, wonderful feeling the first time i saw him in his truck - that big smile that came over his face, the way he looked at me, treated me like i was precious- I'm glad i got to feel that again.  To remember what it feels like and to know i CAN feel that way. Carlos did the same thing to my senses.  I just FELT good around him.  I think the part that has me infatuated with a man I never dated, and barely knew is how he made me feel when I was actually with him.  BEFORE i got high, or had a few drinks.  I would stay at his place for the exact reason that i was under the influence.  I let loose with him. I don't know if he knew i was a novice "partier"...........my last party days were in high school and even then I was just trying to fit in.  I have never enjoyed the feeling of not being able to control my feelings, or actions.  Now, I enjoy smoking some pot or taking gummies when i'm with my friends because ...

 You know when i get to the point that i'm starting to gush about a man, that man is on his way out. No i didn't go back and reread any of my entries about Marine Man because i would then have to eat crow.  I went for the joy ride, i let the newness and the good behavior make me think THIS was the guy. Just let time do its thing, and everything comes out.  constant whining.  I NEVER expected that from a Marine.  I mean, i thought "they" removed all their emotions during basic training.  Not really, but you know......whining???  Who would have thunk?  And in the SAME instant, try to take a hard line with me about my language. No my dude.  You are not my father.  If you don't like my spicy mouth when i am heated about what i'm seeing on TV, then you may take your offended ass right out of my home.  I thought it was a cute joke, when he started giving me "the look" if i dropped a perfectly placed F bomb.  But no......he decided he...

 Sleeping with my CPAP on makes a world of difference in my snoring.  I still hate the thing, but now, if i take it off and Don is there, he tells me to put it back on. Because otherwise he ends up on the couch because my snoring is so loud.  This has, historically, been an issue for any man that has spent the night.  Not that there has been many. This morning as i was getting ready for work he kept trying to get me back in bed.  It occurred to me as i was running around the room collecting my clothes and accessories, trying to avoid his grabby hands.....i'm very comfortable being naked in front of him. And that is new. I'm 58, have never been into physical fitness until recently when i realized, hey i can barely get up stairs anymore.  I've lost a lot of wieght so add in the droopy skin that comes with wieght loss, and the fact that i'm not 20 years old.....things don't snap back like they used to.  Yet, here i am walking around and having a conversat...

 I got me one of those fancy executive leather chairs now......woohooo....It was my bosses, but hey, now it's mine!   It's the small things in life. Don is coming over tonight.  As long as he is here Saturday night, thats okay.  We are meeting up with my friends for the first time at our old meeting place in Meriden.  I'm excited.  He probably isn't.  But it will make me happy. I hate to say it, but if he doesn't like my friends thats going to be a problem.   They just want me to be happy and to be treated well.  They know i don't have much luck with men.  So fingers crossed.  He'll be fine. He does have a jealous streak that concerns me.  As long as it doesn't get out of control or cause "drama" a little jealousy is okay.  I'm not sure what he is used to dating but he keeps telling me he hasn't dated anyone like me before.  Not sure what that means exactly, but the little he tells me about previous experien...

 i have nothing of importance to say.  I just like drama. hmmmm. Tell me how you really feel.   I wouldn't want to be around someone like that.   or around someone who feels comfortable saying that with no provocation.   I love it when someone expresses a strong opinion about me just for the sake of saying something nasty.   There was a time when that would have hurt my feelings. Instead i said "that was rude. i didn't deserve that" which i felt was quite civil.  It was an opportunity to explain just what the fuck the point of that statement was.  More importantly, it was an opportunity to roll it back and apologize. I talk too much and i say nothing important. That sounds like someone elses problem.