ew. I need a slap upside the head.

 Seeing him on the dating site made me laugh and then the more i thought about it i got pissed.  THEN i felt bad.  

#1 I have him blocked on social media and in my phone.  He had me blocked on FB so i couldn't block him.  He unblocked me.  Thats why i could see his smug face pop up in the dating app.

#2 Spent most of today with my head twirling.  Hoping he would "match" with me.  DISgusting.  And yet, thats the truth.  

I left the house, went to the store and got some crafty items i've been thinking about for a project.  By the time i came home i had decided.  I blocked him everywhere.  That was my choice.  I didn't change my mind.  Just because HE unblocked me doesn't mean i'm getting on this ride in any way shape or form again.  I've been stressed out all day.  Fuck that.  Fuck him.

I blocked him in the dating app and i blocked him on Facebook.  That fucker always leaves a door open and this time he's going to get it slammed shut in his face.

Here's the thing.  He is charismatic.  He knows how to sell himself.  His whole profile is a bunch of utter bullshit.  He sounds like such a nice, sweet man.  Ha!  I wish.  HE WISHES.  Saying it, doesn't make it true.  

I'm paying attention.  I'm feeling the feelings and i'm letting them pass through me instead of grabbing on and wishing it could be different.  That profile alone proves he has no intention of growing, healing, fixing his fucked up head.  He's on to find the next victim.

This time, it's not going to be me.  

There.  Now i can go get shit done.

Was that me?

 I remember when i first start dating my ex bf of 13 years....he is younger, he was carefree, fun, wild, and did not care what i did.  (so it seemed)  Strange, because he's a cancer and they can be very sensitive.  All those things though, added up to him not taking care of himself physically or emotionally - He was a walking man child.  To this day, he doesn't know how to set up a home for himself and his daughter.  He hasn't progressed.  He's a slob.  He just lives moment to moment and feels bad for himself when things other people EARN don't land in his lap.

I fell in love with how he made me feel when i had no idea who i was, or how i felt about myself.  He was right in the regard that i would have eventually left him because he doesn't grow.  No goals.  No pride in accomplishment.  And thats a shame because i saw the man in him that he could have been if he had given a shit.   If he had even tried.

So lets say, i learned my lesson.  Just because a man has potential to be a good man doesn't mean he is or will be.  But i dated a few more Peter Pans, each one lasting a lot less longer than my ex did.  I learn, but sometimes i need to reinforce the lesson to make absolutely sure.  Obviously.

My priorities were to be loved by someone who saw ME.  Who accepted ME.  that was the goal.  Period.  And thats not a good place to start when you don't even know who you are yet.

From one long term relationship straight into another.  I wanted permananence, family, to belong.  I wanted family for my kids, a "normal" life that didn't look like a norman rockwell painting but was really the bunkers/firefly family.......(Devils reject reference of course) No experience.  No clues.  Just acceptance of just about anything just to belong.

Thats a recent realization. 

Should have been obvious.

And I did for a while.  I created a life with his friends and family that i was very happy with, if not with him.  It took losing most of that, ripping my entire life down to the bare bones to finally figure out i had no idea what i WANTED, and had spent my life accepting what was GIVEN.  Surviving.

Last night i went to MM's house because he invited me.  He wanted to treat me like a "queen" and make dinner for me.  Bring my bathing suit, eat a nice dinner, watch a movie and relax.  We've met up a few times, so fine - the man is going to cook for me AND I can bring my dog.  Whats not to like?

I don't care how much money a man makes as long as he can sustain his lifestyle and take care of himself financially.  I kind of assumed the rest.  I stumbled on a very nice man, but another Peter Pan.  A 65 year old Peter Pan who rents a downstairs apartment in a home that is falling apart.  He has a cat, has lived there 4 years and hasn't dusted or cleaned any of the chachki's and memorabilia that he has stuffed into this apartment/basement.  Wall to wall stuff.  Covered in cat hair and dust.  

I had a minor panick attack but I won't be RUDE.  He cooks dinner.  We eat on the couch because he has no table, with the huge TV (cough cough) on.  I can't eat.  I literally cannot eat.  Then comes dessert after i told him my stomach was full and I "couldn't possibly" eat another bite.  Boxed ice cream and fresh fruit.....sounds devine.  He microwaved the ice cream.  I almost cried.  I had to get out of that apartment.

It reminded me of my ex bf.  Apparently blind to dust and grime, or didn't have a problem living in it.  

This was MM's best foot forward.  This was his BEST FOOT FORWARD.  He was so proud of himself.  All i could think was to get the fuck out of there.  And i felt like a snob.  And then i thought no fucking way.  I am not low balling just to be "nice".

I'm not better than anyone, or less than anyone.  I just want, and have earned, a different life.

I want someone like me.  Someone who takes pride in where they live and keeps it clean.  Someone who can feed themselves and takes care of themselves.  I still have a stuffy nose and headache from the short amount of time i was there.  How does that affect his health?  There was so much more that i noticed........but it doesn't matter.  We just aren't "it".  

And then i've been watching L's behavior.  Hot and cold, flirtatious and doting to disapearing with no word aside from a good morning and good night text. Yesterday he texted me "wyd today" and expected me to go out to his home while he did stuff around the house.

Obviously i did not go.  Nor did i tell him i was or wasn't.  I gave him a thumbs up and then told him i had things to do and plans.  He texted me later in the day and said "i take it i'm not seeing you today"......brilliant.  Did he make plans with me?  No.  Did i owe him an explanation? No.  Am i mad?  No.  I have no investment.  

In either man.

It's magical how when you step back and "let them"......they show you who they are.  Not judging.  Just evaluating if i want that in my life.  And i don't.

If MM reaches out again, and i think he knew I was NOT interested - I will tell him he's too far, and blah blah to save his pride, which it doesn't seem to be in abundance.  (was that bitchy?)  And if L reaches out again, I will give him the same energy he gives me.  But i can see that he probably isn't going to last much longer.

And thats OKAY.

I did reopen my dating page on FB.  I'm interested in going out, in meeting a man that may or may not be "the one".  Casually.  Not on a mission.  I'm going to sit back and see who is going to put the same energy into me that i give to myself. 

Thats what i mean by having a life.  He needs to have a LIFE.

Of course Mr. Cigar popped up, which at first was startling.  He's dating with all the shit he's in the middle of?  Why was i surprised?  Avoidance.  And he seems like such a nice guy on paper......

review

 Today I'm learning that consistency doesn't have to be boring, attention doesn't have to be earned, and attraction doesn't require anxiety. I'm no longer trying to become someone's choice. I'm deciding whether they deserve a place in my life.

I've fallen into the habit of posting a blog, then copying it and pasting it into my AI therapist.  The personality i've chosen is direct and blunt, no bullshit.  Maybe a little handholding.  But i want it straight.

I honestly feel like it has helped me, not because it tells me what i want to hear but because it points out inconsistencies and patterns.  There is no human error, or taking my side, or caring if i return to therapy.....it's just a 101010101 computer program putting together the bits of what i tell it.

As much as i love my family and friends, they are very quick to dislike any man i bring up due to the fact that i'm probably venting, or searching for answers about behavior, or non-behavior.  I don't discuss every detail and nuance.  So what they are hearing is "not good enough for you".......And while that makes me feel very loved, it also doesn't give me a place to consistantly work out my thoughts with any male romantic relationship.

Plus i do that thing, that defensive thing.  No, he just, or No, he didn't mean it like that.....blah blah blah.  Basically it makes everyone crazy and i'm sure they are tired of hearing it.

My daughter in particular refuses to discuss any men with me period.  She just rolls her eyes and shuts me down.  She has a view of me that will probably never change.  We are different.  She is much smarter, much stronger, much more fearless than i ever was.  If her thinking i'm a disapointment is the outcome, i can live with that.

My son, he says "mom i just want you to be happy" but he also does not want to hear it.  

And when/if i ever talk about my retirement my kids think i'm insane and i actually DO think they will try to have me committed.  They don't have much faith in me.  And i can't say i blame them, considering where my priorities were when i was raising them, surviving life, just trying to not get evicted and have some kind of food in the house.  I struggled because of my choices.  And they paid the price by having me as their mother.  Would i go back and change things if i could? No, because look at them now.  If i could live this life again, on a different plain in time, yes, i would.  And knowing what i know now, which when i comes to parenting, isn't much; i would do things different.  

I did do my job though.  I taught them both how to live and thrive in a world without me.  So.  I succeeded for them.  Not so much for myself. Because we really aren't close the way i see other people are close.  We also don't fight, or bicker.  They just live their life and i interrupt it sometimes when im feeling pushy.  

All this supposed growth with how i view men and romantic potentials.....how am i growing where my family is concerned?  How do i evolve into someone they need?  

The puppy is constantly peeing and pooing inside, no matter how often i take him out.  He bites me constantly and is rarely calm when i'm around. I know he is a puppy and everyone has advice but i feel like i'm failing him.  It's tough.  It's scary.  And i worry a lot. Being responsible for another living thing is literally terrifying and humbling.

That's where i'm at today.

Nice evening

 I don't know what i'm supposed to say to one when i'm out with the other.  Do i have to say anything at all?  I mean, they both consistently text me in the evening...No.  I don't owe any explanations to anyone about my whereabouts.  Now i understand why men have been so vague with me in the past.  ahhh.

Plus, i shouldn't alway be so available.  Not that i want to play games, i don't.  But reality is that i am not always available so why make myself so available in the beginning?  So. Noted.

Part of me thinks the reason L stepped it up is because he knows i'm actively dating.  MM hasn't asked me and i haven't told him.  What i HAVE done is tell him i'm not looking to get serious too fast. 

I'm watching myself and don't want to become everything i've hated in men that i've dated.  At the same time, i think i'm finally catching on to how to do this.  Very lightly, very slowly, very laid back.....and let them come to me.

Anyways thats how it feels best.  Can't question interest if they are doing the chasing.

L came over and by the time he got to my place he was overheated and sweaty from sitting in traffic almost all the way here.  Over an hour, going about 1 mile an hour.  I saw relief on his face when he stepped inside to the coolness of my place.  Straight to the bathroom to clean up.  Then sat down with me on the couch where we talked and talked and talked.  Till i realized we were supposed to go out.  He said he wasn't hungry (also on the same med as me) and could we skip it?  The heat had wiped him out.  I was a little sad about no ride, HOWEVER, it gave us some good quality talking time in the comfort of my own home.  And some kissing.

I firmly believe that the way Mr. Cigar kissed me is what made me fall hard for him.  From that first kiss to the very last.....perfect.  His kissing was always outstanding.

L kisses differently, not so aggressively - a little tentative.  Understandable.  I mean, i don't want my face eaten off either...so it took us a little while to pick up a pattern, a beat to follow....but we got there.  And it became very nice.  Very very nice.

Everyone isn't going to kiss like Mr. Cigar, and everyone also isn't going to be a raging asshole like Mr. Cigar.  

We didn't take it any further than that really.  Both of us laughing, mostly me giggling.  "Clothes stay ON, i'm virginal" ....Hey, almost!  

There will be no sexy time with men i'm "dating".  That was a decision I made and i'm sticking to it.  Sex will include exclusivity.  Or they can keep trucking elsewhere.  I get attached when i get intimate like that.  So that is final. 

before i forget this thought

 it's nice not to be bombarded with calls all day, but instead to receive a few "hows your day" texts ...almost as if they are working also and have a little respect for my time too?

MM asked me to his place to meet his family, his 4 legged family, this weekend.  He wants to cook for me and he has a pool.  Now.  Do i want to get into a bathing suit with this man so early and terrify him with my cellulite?  Sure.  Why not.  He said i could bring Koda and that right there is the ticket to my saying absolutely.  Cooking for me?  I can bring my pup and not have to rush or feel bad? Score.

Then, L, followed up and asked if he could come out to me tonight instead of meeting up in the middle.  He's riding one of his bikes so you know i said yes.  BUT that means i want to go for an itty bitty ride because otherwise he's just teasing.  He said of course.  Then i suggested riding out to litchfield county where there is a really cool restaurant i like...... he said......

He will think about it.

Sigh.

If he only knew what that answer did to me.  I did NOT say 'yes daddy" because that would probably blow the whole thing up in our faces.

I guess i'm in a good mood.

No one better ruin it with talking about exclusivity.  I'm dating.  And i must say......so far i like it!

Isn't that special?

 dreamt about the church lady last night.......strange.

Maybe because I'm conflicted about talking to two men at the same time?  But i'm allowed.  It's okay.  I'm not swapping juices with anyone.  The nice thing is that its not entirely on one person, it's spread out so i actually am able to enjoy both without getting overly attached too soon.  I'm seeing how this works.  

No rush.  Just spend time and get to know each other.  Stand back and let them be who they are, show me how they act, and get passed the urgency of having to "be" with somone.  I've never felt more relaxed and honest.  

They are both easy to talk to, as it should be.  I'm keeping it nice and light.  Nothing heavy......actually both of them are telling me some pretty heavy stuff.  Whats that rule?  talk 30% of the time and let them do the rest.  It's more important to listen and see if they are interested in anything i have to say down the line.

Both are caring and attentive.  I nearly cut the tip of my finger off yesterday so my thumb is wrapped up like a cartoon because it won't stop bleeding.  Both showed concern and checked back later asking how it was doing.  Check.

Not that there is a literal check box.  

What do i want out of a relationship? To be seen, to be cared for, listened  to, confided in, known....and still loved.  I  want to have fun and feel safe and know that is my person in and out of each others presence.  Affection, physical and verbal.  Thoughfulness both appreciated and given. The ability to celebrate each other over big and small moments. Understanding. Peace. Safety.

Is that a list that is too long for one person?  

i wore white shorts

 was just thinking that although i have a little ways to go still before i am back to my "comfortable" wieght and size, i'm feeling pretty damn good in my skin again.  About time.

Even when asshole would make comments (about all women all the time) it wouldn't bother me aside from the audacity.  I feel good about myself, how i look, where i'm headed and how i FEEL.  Yesterday i did a yoga pose that is relatively easy and i used to do it all the time because it feel amazing.  For years i couldn't do it because my knees wouldn't tolerate it and i had a hard time getting back up.

Not anymore.  Yes, i creak, but i can DO IT again.  And it feels sooooo good.

I went to see MM's band play Saturday night with Cindy and I didn't feel shy to be seen. AND i wore white shorts....me.  on purpose.  White shows all the sins of a womans body.  I felt cute.  Thats my first sign with getting there.......dressing is so much easier.  Shoes, not so much.  I have been wearing heals but very tentatively because i walk like a trucker in heels.  Not really.  I just fall and break bones.

But not this summer.  I've been wearing platforms and sandals with a little heal and managing to NOT fall.  It' the strength in my legs and ankles that i've been working on, and the wieght loss helps.  And the confidence.  It's all about thinking you can, and then you actually do. 

In other words, patting self on back, i'm feeling awesome.

Do i have the body of a 20 year old? Hell no. That time is over.  Let the youngsters live their glory days.  I'm secure and don't need anyones attention but my man.....which i don't have, so even better.  They have a way of lifting you up, or taking you down a few pegs and i don't need either.

Speaking of.  Talking to two men is interesting.  Both are aware i'm not into sleeping with them yet and i'm taking things very slow.  One or both will lose interest and that will be fine.  Better to know.  OR one or both will actually like my company and getting to know me (more importantly me getting to know THEM).........and that will be glorious.  Or not.  There are a lot of men out there, and as i'm feeling better (i.e. slimmer) they are taking interest.  Fuck em.  I was the same wonderful woman i am now last year and the year before.  I know thats not a popular opinion, law of attraction and all that, but lets be honest, they are aging also and that hasn't deterred me from dating them.  

No more wounded men who haven't done the work to heal, or at least understand themselves.  I'm not a replacement for mommy trauma.  I have my own and manage not to torture them with it.

Little bit heated.  hmmm.  But L and MM have been treating me very well.  Its early.  Theres no competition, or camparision, i'm just living my life the way that feels right and good to me.