Walking Barefoot in Snow

 i forgot what it is like to get up and go to work when there is a man sleeping in my bed. I also forgot how hard it is for me to get out of that bed and get my butt moving. I could wake up like that every day and be a happy woman. Having one bathroom though.......that is the kicker.  I'm not used to grabbing my stuff and running out of it  because someone else has nature call.   I'm going to have to move my makeup and hair stuff out of there if this becomes a regular thing.   Ain't no way i'm going in there after he comes out.  Nope. No thank you.  Thats one thing i DO remember. What will he do while i'm at work today?  It must be wierd for him to be at my place by himself.  Will he sleep? snoop? draw? Does it matter?   Yesterday i came home and the door was open.  I mean, wide open.  I know i closed it in the morning because it unlocked and i had to push the button in and make sure it was actually locked before...

 yesterday i was in a funk. My nervous system gets set off when i start to get close to a man.   I'm trying to learn how to regulate it, instead of going into these spirals of fear and anxiety. Whats the worst thing that can happen?  He turns out to be not for me and we end it.  Tada!  I've done that before and i can do that again and be fine. It's not like when i was married, had a barely minimum wage job and 2 children to support on my own while living with a mentally unstable drug addict. I survived that and anything after it is a cake walk. I let myself get too close.  I need to practice detachment.  For my own mental health and for his comfort as well.  No one needs an emotionally dependent weight around their shoulders.  And those that do, aren't thinking of my best interest. So. Don is bringing over his expensive 3D printer because he doesn't have room at his place, which is a very pleasant but small apartment.  It doesn't le...

 The closer i get with Don, the more i begin to self sabotage.   I won't do anything to risk the relationship, it's more of a torture myself type thing. I was talking in my sleep, apparently about Bill - or too Bill.  Don asked me who Bill is the next morning.  I blew it off.  Bill is the LAST person i want to talk about to Don.  I'm afraid Bills toxic bullshit will seep in to my present.  I've been very good about trusting Don, in spite of my innate distrust of all men, with good reason.  I don't worry about him with other women.  I don't worry about him fucking me over.  I do worry that maybe i won't be strong enough for him.  I've seen some of the PTSD, felt it vibrating off him - and all i know to do is give him space but let him know i'm not judging.  I've been reading a lot about it, and how it shows up.  To me, he is worth the time.  He is worth any effort.  I just hope i have the strength of characte...

 I can't tell you the last time i had a man spend the night ..........I know i wasn't happy about it, and that i didn't sleep - and woke up crabby. But last night we had our very first sleep over and I don't know how he slept yet (he's still sleeping) but i was very aware he was there every time i woke up.  Which i do frequently.   He was here when i got home from work last night, and he had meatballs and the makings of a salad.  We feasted, and then.........i gummied.  and gummied some more.  He thinks i'm cute.  I think i hope i never get used to that euphoric feeling of happiness on clouds.  I let loose when i'm gummied.  Laugh and laugh.  and he laughs with me. for now.   I'm sure the giddiness will wear off eventually but for now, i'm enjoying it.  As time goes on we will go deeper or lose contact......i hope he is my last.  I have so much damn fun with him.  And he treats me like a lady. Can't say it's...

 Talked to my bestie last night and had nothing but glowing things to say about Don.  And then, i do what i do and i began to pick the situation apart. What does he want from me? How can he like me so much so soon? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me? And bestie promptly told me not to self sabatoge this.  She reminded me that i've been walking on air since meeting him, she said he has given me no reason to thing he's up to no good, he needs nothing from me (or vice versa) and what is wrong with me is that i don't think i deserve a good,  quality man like Don. Well then. All i know is that every time i get attached I get hurt.  Or i feel stupid for getting attached.  I always feel like the butt of someone elses joke on me.......hahahahah she thought we were a couple. Don has made no bones about we are together now, and thats that.  Why can this man claim me so easily and be so sure and yet the others ........? I think thats what is scary to m...

 i do and get tarot readings for myself.  I'm not that good at it, plus technically I shouldn't be doing it for myself. Bill comes up repeatedly, over and over.  The man won't go away even when I have no contact.  Let me put this simply, he fumbled me, more than once....was given ample opportunities that he did not deserve to catch up to a mature level of emotions and EACH TIME, fell back into his old patterns.  Lies, deceit, a literal fantasy life that did NOT exist went on in his head with him being the main and only important character. He was mean.  And when he wanted to be, he was charming and could talk me into anything. Was that his fault?  No.  It was mine.  Because i had not learned my lesson.  Men talk shit to get what they want.  They do not have any guilt, or any conscious about lying to get to their goal.  And they do not care about the destruction they leave behind. Most men.  Maybe not all.  I have yet ...