Walking Barefoot in Snow

 This weekend has been a turning point i didn't see coming. Thats a lie.  Maybe i did know it wasn't going to continue on as it has been. Mr. Cigar made the leap.  Told her about me, that he doesn't want to give either one of us up, and wants to see it we can make it all together. I'm sure sex has it's role in there, knowing him.  I'm sure rental income also has it's place.   I don't know if it would be financially beneficial to me.   This thought pattern will be worked out.  I will be making no big moves until a year of success has been firmly placed under our belts. If we do this. He came over yesterday- it was pouring rain so no walk was going to happen.   I told him i felt ambushed. He reminded me that we've had these conversations over and over about non traditional relationships.  He did what he does, and bulldozed ahead because the opportunity arose.  I felt very unprepared for how and when he told me that conversat...

 Last night i went out to see a live band with Doug, Jen and Ed.  I told Bill i was going out with my friends, and asked him to join us. He said no, he had a competition to be at early Saturday morning. But he called me the afternoon and told me he had a really honest conversation with Mary and he told her about me.  Told her he wants us both. And she is apparently okay with it. I'm high.  I should mention that. THEN he told me how he had sex with her this morning. Because, you know, being honest. Several things.  I didn't feel jealous, but i did feel AGAIN like i was being faithful, passed up an opportunity and while i was passing it up, he was doing something he said he no longer had interest in with her anymore. And i bet she'll be sleeping with him tonight and not downstair anymore. I have so many mixed feelings.  And I'm high.  I passed up Ed last night because while he was drinking and intoxicated he decided to tell me all night that he wants to ...

 Normally, when a man expresses and opinion that i don't agree with, and actually feel quite strongly about......it will turn me off in a way that is not fixable. I have moments where i fall in love with people.  Weird little unsuspecting moments where its like being hit in the head and a light being shined on that person in that moment.  Not IN love, just ....love. I fell in love with Amie the weekend we got stuck on a mountain in an ice storm while we were peeing off the side of a frozen solid truck standing on frozen ground trying not to fall down and laughing our asses off.  Love. I fell in love with Josh when he gave a puppy mouth to mouth resusitation to save it's life.  Love. I fell in love with Mike during a friends camping trip when he took the blame and apologized for something he didn't do just to calm down a woman who was losing her shit and driving everyone crazy.  Love. Those are a few memorable moments.  And i will love them forever weth...

 This morning i was listening to a woman describe her first boyfriend experience, and how abusive and intense it was.  It was more about her than about him, which i appreciated.  I mean, unpopular opinion here but, it takes two.  One to give it and one to take it.  I'm not saying anyone deserves it, what i'm saying is that there are TWO people in that dynamic.  Sometimes it just takes a really long time to leave, or maybe you stay until the other person ends you.  I'm not heartless.  I'm a realist.  The day i let a man hit me in anger is the day that man learns not to hit me.  And the last time he sees me in person. So make it good.  No second chance here. I've stayed before, so i know of what i speak.  Last night Mr. Cigar told me i always go to the doomside of things, and never the positive. I told him that life has taught me to be prepared for the worst.  I have learned that lesson.  And until someone finally treat...

 Today i am struggling.  Since i found out in February that the SOM will no longer be financing it's portion of my salary due to changes they are making regarding the program i coordinate.....that has nothing to do with me, yet EVERYTHING to do with me........I've been on edge. Being at work and not knowing IF you have a job when the boss you were hired to work with on this program is retiring, or almost worse WHAT your job will become if you still have one.......is torture.  And "they" the powers that be,  don't seem to give it a second thought.  Just "you don't have to worry, you will have a job"......as if that is all i need to know. Would they come to work every day and give it their all if they didn't know what department they were working for or what their chain of command was?  And no one seemed to think it was very important? When outside companies come in, or when leadership begins to restructure, ambiguous positions at my level are not ...

 It's hot.  We knew it was coming and here it is.  Overnight we went from cool to roasting.  Welcome to new england. I slept like crap last night.  I wish i knew what the difference is.  What makes one nights sleep so sound and the other so restless?  Although, the sleep was so deep the other night i really had difficulty getting up and went back to bed and slept deeply for another hour.  I wondered if i had drugged myself somehow?   So it's hot and i'm bothered.  I haven't laid eyes on Mr. Cigar in over a week.  this is aggravating to me, however, i am aware that he is crawling with work and already getting ready for the next season.  Yesterday he was telling me about the salt they use (liquid) on commercial properties and how they are projecting a shortage....everywhere is a guessing game.  Buy a lot now and where do you store it?  Don't buy enough and possibly don't have access when you need it.....or pay out ...