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oh boy

 If i can't be honest here, where else can i be? Mr. Cigar came over yesterday and we were intimate. If thats what you want to call it.  I have no fantasies about us being in love and living happily ever after.  Basically, i wanted sex, so did he.  So we came to a mutual agreement. I'm so over dating.  I can't stand meeting new men.  I am not going into it with a good attitude so i'm just not doing it anymore.  I don't care for the constant texts, the phone calls, the making plans.......the disapointment of meeting yet another liar/jerk/cheater/misfit.  I'm all set with that. Looking at my life i'm happy.  Work is turning out to be everything i was scared to hope it would be, i'm lucky to have good friends that i get to travel and have experiences with, my family is expanding and i feel getting closer.  Yes, there are things i wish were better, but not where men are concerned. I'm not going to meet a man that i can trust and depend on by...
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vacation with a puppy

 Koda did very well on the plane ride to Florida and back to Hartford.  Better than his mama.  I came so close to a meltdown each way that i think next time i will self medicate. Airports stress me out.  Racing from one place to another dragging luggage stresses me out.  Trying to manage my carry on, a puppy and my personal item at lightening speed on the airplane.......stresses me out. Basically, Air travel stressed me out.  Probably because i'm already ramped up about putting my life in the hands of a faceless stranger.  And turbulance.  Lets say i'm not one to applaud the pilot for landing us safely........that seems like the bare minimum. I do NOT recommend going on vacation with a 12 week old puppy.  He doesn't have control over his bladder yet, and he thinks everything is a chew toy, including people.  He doesn't understand that darkness means go to sleep and that 3am is not an acceptable time to rise and shine for the day. It was ...
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Probably wierd and maybe alterier motives

 Me being in daily contact with Mary is probably weird.  I've asked myself multiple times, "why"?  At first the only thing we had in common was Mr. Cigar, and you know what they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"  Is that what this is?  I don't want him.  She doesn't want him - won't go into what i know, but i know she is not available to him even though she lives there still.  Not my business to share, but the situation isn't good for either one but he asked for it.   She reaches out more than i do, but i engage with her daily, as i said.  We vent, we talk about future plans, things we want to do, and pretty much support each other.  She is more prim and reserved until she gets mad.  She's a tiny little thing and she is just as confused about her attraction to Mr. Cigar as i am.  I call him the devil.  He turns on the charm and you don't see all the bullshit he's feeding you. I do feel like it's be...
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nothing or something?

 Mr. Cigar brought my key back to me last night.  I let him in as far as the dining area and we sat at the table while he played with Koda. We talked a little bit, but mostly he made comments about my appearance (unshowered, no makeup and pj's from the previous day) which i shrugged about.  None of his business, i'm not here trying to impress him.   He made a few comments about me being in my head as usual and i again, shrugged.  I told him he thinks he knows me, but he never bothered to get to know me, to ask me questions, find out what i care about.  He insisted he does know me.  I didn't argue, or tell him why he doesn't.   I told him every conversation with him is circular, it goes nowhere.  He's always right and He can't step back to see someone elses perspective.  If it's different than his, it's wrong, or stupid.  He tried to give me his charm, and make me laugh, which i rolled my eyes at. I don't have to participat...
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deal with it

 Every morning i wake up and feel the growth of brand new hairs on my chin. This is part of the aging process.  Why, after all these years, would i need hair on my chin?  What part of evolution is this?  The hormones? Is this where my bigger balls are coming from? The testosterone coursing through my aging body wasting time on growing hair.  ON MY CHIN. Because aging isn't fun enough. Add to that little surprise bursts of pure anger when a thought crosses my mind concerning Mr. Cigar over the past year.  Not at him. At myself.  He IS all the things i think he is, and he DID do the despicable disrespectful things that he did..........but it was ME that continued to allow his con artist ass back in. Repeatedly. And that gets my panties in a bunch because i thought i was in a better place.   Maybe its better because i kept running from him, but i also returned.  Maybe it's better because i dealt in reality and tried to talk myself into "no ...
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Reality baby

 ugh. I want to have fun so bad.  Good, honest, adult fun with no bullshit games. Considering i want that fun with an adult male...........that may be very wishful thinking. Mr. A got "stuck at work" and "didn't want to rush" and "wanted to spend a good amount of time" with me. Yeah?  Well, you should have planned better love. We made plans years ago to meet and didn't because you "got sick" and now, you came around looking for another chance and..........i GAVE IT TO YOU and you "had to work late". Next. I'm sorry, my tolerance is at zero.   Plus, it's a relief.  No having to respond to texts take phone calls and listen to bullshit from a male mouth. Stress free.   Just me and Koda.  And vacation around the corner.   OH! and the crazy part is a man i went out a few times with in 2018 contacted me yesterday for the strangest (short, thanks to me) conversation.......he wanted to reconnect also, What the fuck.  No.  No mor...
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dreams and reality

 last night i had a dream that Mr. Cigar was back in my life, and he had hair. I kept looking at him, wondering what was different?  And then it occurred to me, the man has hair.   No we weren't together, but he thought we were.  I felt disinterest.  And curious about what had changed. What a weird dream. Been thinking about Mr. Tatoo and how we met, our short interaction, the ongoing affection that went one way.......I may be in the same situation again, depending. Meeting Mr.A tonight.  We've been talking for a couple of weeks, and we used to talk a lot more years ago, during the pandemic.  I "met" a lot of people on line then, like a lot of other people did.  We were supposed to meet, but never did.  I think i thought he was married.  Or I had someone i was seeing, it could have been anything  But he wasn't blocked. He found me on Tik Tok, probably by accident? I'm not sure, but it's also not the first time this has happened...
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