Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Back to the office today.  Leaving Koda "locked up" in the kitchen broke my heart.  His favorite place is in front of the sliding glass doors in the living room.  He can't even see that from the kitchen.  He screamed, and screamed, and my soft heart wanted to let him out but he doesn't have a crate and it's not safe for a puppy to roam the house while no one is there to monitor him. So scream he shall, until he stops.   This is the first time letting him be unhappy......booo. No LIKE. It may explain the mood i'm in.  I can't care about anything involving men, or the potential of them being around me, or not.  I don't care.  It's nothing but work and disapointment. And yet i keep interacting. What if I just don't? I have to tell this new guy that now is not the time.  I'm just not ready to date, or kiss, or even THINK about being involved with another man while i still have the dust unsettled from Mr. Cigar. I did text with Mr. Ciga...

 I have never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 years old when we found each other.   Koda is a baby. I have barely left the house since his arrival.  My whole world has been about him. And work.  I was approved to work remotely 2 days a week leaving me 4 days at home with him each week. I haven't yet found out what the 3 days alone will be like for him.   In other news...... Mr. Saybrook is back with a vengeance, stalking my social media pages.......asking me to go for a ride along the shore.....trying to bait me.  Another player.  Another womanizer who can't be honest about what he is looking for.  The last i knew he was madly in love (according to facebook) and now......he's after me again.  Not because he wants me.  Because he wants ANYONE.  He was always a flake.  I don't answer him. An interesting development from the past....I used to run a very popular room on KIK during covid.  If it had been a bar, or a r...

 Jennifer is bringing me a puppy today.  He was left on her co-workers doorstep along with 3 siblings, way too early to be taken from their mama.  She brought them to the vet, bottle fed them and gave them away when they started to eat puppy food.  This little man decided he wanted the bottle for an extra week so he was the only one left.  He has been dewormed (something i never knew had to happen) and has gotten his clean bill of health as of yesterday.  Now he needs a name, which Jen and i will decide tonight.  We are co-parenting.  Poor Doug had a heart attack when he thought this little boy was coming to live at his house.   I'm not a fan of normal names.  Miyagi was named so because he had soulful eyes and a little white beard. He fit his name.  He was the bestest boy ever.  And now.......i'm going to do this again.  I've never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 when he came home with me.  They are placing this...

 Last night i was sewing a cloth and bag for my cards and STRENGTH kept popping out of the deck. I hear you.  I got it.  I understand. The strange part is i can look at his picture and still feel love. I feel love for the feelings he evoked in me when he chose to.  And I also feel emotionally regulated now that I know it's done.  No more up and down, or having bombs thrown into my lap.  No more having to make difficult CONTRIVED choices.   I can breathe. I got a lot of work done yesterday and today I believe i will complete my project, on time.  I'm savouring it, not knowing if i'll ever be doing this particular program again.  I don't know what is coming down the pike at work, but i DO know I will roll with it for as long as it serves me. I've decided to stay where i am given that choice.  There is no need to pursue MORE work at this point in my life.  I'm on the downside.....not crawling to the top.  Effort should be put...

 As willing as i was, am, to investigate alternative lifestyles, i'm not willing to throw myself to the wolves. Through all my mistakes, i've grown and learned how to protect myself, how to take care of myself like the mother i never had. I still consider the feelings of others but no longer above my own needs. This experiment taught me that trusting myself is a good idea, that i will take care of me.  I requested counsel from 2 others that know me very well and they did not try to talk me out of anything yet they identified the pitfalls of what i was thinking about entering into: Could i bring Mr. Cigar around my family?  My co-workers? My friends?   Could i do the things i want to do after retirement with him? Could i have my grandchildren visit me if i lived with him? Could i make his home my home? Could i depend on him? Could i trust him? The question that stuck out to me the most was regarding my grandchildren.  The answer was no.  I wouldn't be a...

 My friend K came over last night to catch up.  I invited her because i wanted to pick her brain about poly relationships.  Talk to someone who lives it and get the real scoop. First we reviewed her breakup with her first, and only "primary" (i hate that term and everything it means) which we all knew had been coming for years.  It took her some time to see what we all were seeing, and it took her more time to end it after she accepted that he wasn't telling her the truth about a lot. And that sticks in my mind. This whole situation i'm in is because he was lying to both of us.  And i really feel it would be naive to think there were no other, ARE no other "friends" that also believe they are seeing him. He could be psychotic, and getting off on twirling up two women who love him.  Or he could be genuinely confused and trying to have it all.,....like anyone would want to.  Not all actually act on it. I think the important thing here is, again, not what...