Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I can't tell you the last time i had a man spend the night ..........I know i wasn't happy about it, and that i didn't sleep - and woke up crabby. But last night we had our very first sleep over and I don't know how he slept yet (he's still sleeping) but i was very aware he was there every time i woke up.  Which i do frequently.   He was here when i got home from work last night, and he had meatballs and the makings of a salad.  We feasted, and then.........i gummied.  and gummied some more.  He thinks i'm cute.  I think i hope i never get used to that euphoric feeling of happiness on clouds.  I let loose when i'm gummied.  Laugh and laugh.  and he laughs with me. for now.   I'm sure the giddiness will wear off eventually but for now, i'm enjoying it.  As time goes on we will go deeper or lose contact......i hope he is my last.  I have so much damn fun with him.  And he treats me like a lady. Can't say it's...

 Talked to my bestie last night and had nothing but glowing things to say about Don.  And then, i do what i do and i began to pick the situation apart. What does he want from me? How can he like me so much so soon? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me? And bestie promptly told me not to self sabatoge this.  She reminded me that i've been walking on air since meeting him, she said he has given me no reason to thing he's up to no good, he needs nothing from me (or vice versa) and what is wrong with me is that i don't think i deserve a good,  quality man like Don. Well then. All i know is that every time i get attached I get hurt.  Or i feel stupid for getting attached.  I always feel like the butt of someone elses joke on me.......hahahahah she thought we were a couple. Don has made no bones about we are together now, and thats that.  Why can this man claim me so easily and be so sure and yet the others ........? I think thats what is scary to m...

 i do and get tarot readings for myself.  I'm not that good at it, plus technically I shouldn't be doing it for myself. Bill comes up repeatedly, over and over.  The man won't go away even when I have no contact.  Let me put this simply, he fumbled me, more than once....was given ample opportunities that he did not deserve to catch up to a mature level of emotions and EACH TIME, fell back into his old patterns.  Lies, deceit, a literal fantasy life that did NOT exist went on in his head with him being the main and only important character. He was mean.  And when he wanted to be, he was charming and could talk me into anything. Was that his fault?  No.  It was mine.  Because i had not learned my lesson.  Men talk shit to get what they want.  They do not have any guilt, or any conscious about lying to get to their goal.  And they do not care about the destruction they leave behind. Most men.  Maybe not all.  I have yet ...

 Saturday night Jen and Doug came over and early the next morning (sunday) we drove out to Caanan to pick up my entertainment center.  It turned out to be HUGE and solid wood, which is great, but also very heavy.  When we got it back to my place my neighbor, Kurt, had the unfortunate timing of leaving his apartment and seeing we were struggling.  He and Doug got it all into my apartment. That was nice and neighborly.  I don't really talk to him but we smile and wave in passing. while i was putting my stuff together to go spend the day with Marine man i put aside one of my baby spider plants to bring to Marine man.  He has huge windows in his place and two very large plants.  I wanted him to have one of my babies.....Bwaaaahahahahaha.  Baby plants!  I decided giving one to my neighbor to say thank you seemed appropriate as well since he randomly busted his gut to get my furniture in when he didn't have to. Always say thank you, and give a toke...

We went on our first date Valentines day.  There were a lot of firsts. I went home with the hand knit blankets he got me from the ladies guild that visits the Vets.  He is a retired Marine.  He is...........all man.  No doubts. He gave me one of his Marines sweatshirts, and other assorted goodies from our day together.  We fell into it like we've known each other forever.  It was very easy.  And nice.  And felt like home.  Thats the feeling. I have nothing to offer him, he's all set. All i have is me, and he seems to think i'm worth keeping.  We need to keep getting to know each other, obviously.  Neither of us is moving from our current living situations and we dont live that far apart, just enough to make it be an effort. I feel seen, and i like what i'm seeing.  Tall, handsome, strong male features, built and bald with tattoos.  Takes care of how he looks, and how he lives.  HOT.  yes, that too.

 There's nothing.  Not a thing i can point to and say "there, thats the red flag". Is THAT a red flag? They say you have 3 loves in a lifetime.  First is idealistic, then hard love, and finally grounded love. Since the breakup with Darryl over 10 years ago, i've dated a LOT.  I've become infatuated with a couple of men, and only really felt anything similar to love with Carlos (later identified as limerence) and Bill (reinforcing that i must love myself first) Yet, how can it be called love when the object of your affection does not return the feeling?  Maybe i needed more lessons on hard love?   Regardless.   I've been talking to Marine man for ONE WEEK and i feel like we know more about each other in that short time than i have learned about during my entire relationship with others. And maybe its because we don't talk about past relationships or dating experiences.  We talk about now, about our likes/dislikes, passions, fears, goals.....