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i'm not 16

My bestie is really hard to buy for.  She is very particular, and she likes expensive things that i cannot afford. That said, we do not exchange gifts for our birthdays or holidays.  She would go crazy and get me expensive lovely gifts and i can't keep up with that.  I know she meant well.  So we decided no more gifts and she HATES it. Jen likes to thrift shop and pretty much only buys second hand items, like me.  For her birthday last year she demanded i make her a bullet journal like mine.  She loved it, and she wanted one.  So i made her a planner and put a lot of quotes and pictures in it.  She carries it with her everywhere.  She loves it. Bestie, did NOT like the idea that i made Jen a gift.  Did she say it?  No.  But i did feel her waves of "what the fuck" .......so this year, i'm making her gift.   I wrote her a poem, and i am transferring it onto a watercolor painting i did of her birthday month flowers....
Recent posts

An ode to Bill

  An Ode to Bill (Bless His Heart) Bill was a man of mystery— or so he liked to say, but mostly he was inconsistent in a very predictable way. He talked a game of depth and truth, of feelings bold and rare, then vanished like a Wi-Fi signal when things got slightly there . He’d circle back with casual charm, as if no time had passed— like, “Hey, what’s up?”—sir, what’s up is you fumbled. Hard. And fast. I used to try to understand, to decode his every move, but clarity arrived one day: he simply couldn’t… groove . Not to rhythm, not to growth, not to anything real— just vibing in confusion like that was some big deal. Meanwhile, I got lighter, cut my hair, reclaimed my space— turns out peace looks really good when it’s sitting on my face. So here’s to Bill, a lesson learned, a chapter closed just right— thank you for the clarity… you are not my type.

upgrades

 I needed an upgrade, a change.........something to signify this new place in life.  The happy place.  The place that I stand in complete purpose instead of being tossed around by emotions. I cut off all my hair.  I didn't. Jessica did.  And i don't think many people really like it in comparison to all my long silver hair........but ........it's me.  It's how i feel.  I feel free.   My shower is cut down by 20 minutes of standing there trying to rinse out all that hair.  For what reason did i continue to have all that hair?  Because men like it.   But did I? No, not really.   So........buh bye. This weekend i was with Jen and her family for her mothers funeral.  It was emotional for her, she really took care of her mother, who mostly wasn't very kind to her until the very end.  It's not my story to tell.  Jen is a better woman than I.  My mother will not have me taking care of her at the end o...

normal life

 Literally nothing has changed overnight.  again. I think this is normal life.   ho hum. Working on my taxes, watched the last 2 episodes of "Tell me Lies" on Hulu.  That series was recommended to me by a friend after i told her about what was happening with Bill.  Ha.  Aside from it being about college kids, it was a pretty good show and the end of season three had me laughing and shaking my head.  The last episode was all i really needed.  Made me laugh and shake my head because...........yeah.   Sometimes you can't fight it.  You have to give in to the fact that you want something/someone that is incredibly bad for you and then take care of yourself by cutting that person out of your life.  Thats what adults do.  They adult.  You can't always get what you want.......right?  Or you can get it, and it destroys you.  So what is the better choice?  hmmmm? Tomorrow is haircut day.  I'm cutting i...

taxes and bills oh my

Yesterday after work i was so deep in my head that i missed my turn on the way home and ended up in Avon....so i went to the grocery store i like, and headed home.  I did not take my usual after work walk around the neighorhood.  It's become a routine. Come home, get changed, suck down some water, go for a walk, come home, make dinner and eat in front of the television.   I've been binge watching "Tell me Lies" and i only have 2 episodes left.  But rather than sit there all night i cleaned up the kitchen and went through my bills and taxes.  Joy.  But i filed yesterday so at least that is off my mind for another year. I want a second job.  The problem is taxes.  If i get a second job to have wiggle room in my budget i get thrown into the next tax bracket, paying more taxes.......which in effect, makes the second job me working for free. What kind of set up is that?  As a single woman with no property or investments, i get fucked with tax...

I did it

 I blocked him on everything.  I literally hate that all it takes is a text from Bill to shake my world up.  Over what?  Some short, average-looking male who can't even get a hard on?  Because that is the reality.  And if we are talking about personalities? He's the one that choked me out unconscious after i specifically told him that wasn't something i EVER wanted, due to enjoying the brain cells that i have left. But he crossed boundaries, and i let him, and kept going back for more mistreatment.   I still don't understand completely why.  Well, my head does - dopamine hits from very little effort on his part because of that whole withdrawing affection deal that i'm so used to because of how i was raised. That was a run-on sentence for sure.  I sent him that message, which i don't regret, and i predicted his response and was completely correct.  An emoji.  Because he is the do the least man, he's the man that thinks women wan...

Easter

I didn't realize i had friday off from work until late Thursday night.  So Friday morning i got up, caffenated and showered....threw all the stuff i had packed for the weekend into my car and headed out to Milford.  Jen had the day off too so we went to Savers and i cleaned out all the stuff i had been putting in my car for the past few weeks, got our coupon for our donation and headed into the store to look for....whatever.  We thought it would be a quick trip but .......10am-1:30pm.  Yup.  We did some investigating. I found a little wood knick knack shelf that i am going to sand down and paint for my miniature books that i've been making.  Because most of my books are electronic now, or i get them at the library, I make a miniature book as a keepsake.  I started doing it this year, and i haven't really read a lot of books yet but i'm sure this little bookshelve will fill up fast with trinkets.   I may have an addiction to miniatures. Which ...