Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Today i am struggling.  Since i found out in February that the SOM will no longer be financing it's portion of my salary due to changes they are making regarding the program i coordinate.....that has nothing to do with me, yet EVERYTHING to do with me........I've been on edge. Being at work and not knowing IF you have a job when the boss you were hired to work with on this program is retiring, or almost worse WHAT your job will become if you still have one.......is torture.  And "they" the powers that be,  don't seem to give it a second thought.  Just "you don't have to worry, you will have a job"......as if that is all i need to know. Would they come to work every day and give it their all if they didn't know what department they were working for or what their chain of command was?  And no one seemed to think it was very important? When outside companies come in, or when leadership begins to restructure, ambiguous positions at my level are not ...

 It's hot.  We knew it was coming and here it is.  Overnight we went from cool to roasting.  Welcome to new england. I slept like crap last night.  I wish i knew what the difference is.  What makes one nights sleep so sound and the other so restless?  Although, the sleep was so deep the other night i really had difficulty getting up and went back to bed and slept deeply for another hour.  I wondered if i had drugged myself somehow?   So it's hot and i'm bothered.  I haven't laid eyes on Mr. Cigar in over a week.  this is aggravating to me, however, i am aware that he is crawling with work and already getting ready for the next season.  Yesterday he was telling me about the salt they use (liquid) on commercial properties and how they are projecting a shortage....everywhere is a guessing game.  Buy a lot now and where do you store it?  Don't buy enough and possibly don't have access when you need it.....or pay out ...

 I had a spiral moment on my way home from the shenanigans gathering Saturday night.  I didn't like not being able to get in touch with Mr. Cigar.  All the "what if's" came in and filled up space in my thoughts.  What if i needed him?  What if he is sleeping with her?  What if he has taken her for a ride in his new fancy vehicle?  What if, what if, what if None or all of those things could be true.  And my question to myself is "how does that change your feelings about him?" It gives me pause.  But only pause.  I'm still in it.  But i need to ask myself, why.  I think she's in it to win, not because she loves him so much.  She gets a lot for very little in return.  And what does he get?  Company?  He says no. Her response to the new vehicle sitting in the driveway was "must be nice".........there was no ride apparently.  Of any kind.  BUT it's what he wanted, what he chose and he gets to live with ...

 Well, we all knew it would come to this. I had too much excitement today.  I went to my son and dil's baby shower and brought my two best friends, one silver and one gold...haha I got to see my whole family.  for a couple of hours.  I feel very ....old?  But also very grandma"ie".  Its worth the loneliness off my kids growing up and away when i get to see them sometimes and they give me grandbabies. Then i went to Dave's house for the Shenanigan + gathering which is always nice once i get there.  It's the getting there part that is hard.   Mr. Cigar bought a new Expedition today.  It would have been nice if i could have shared that, or anything with him.  Instead he is home with his "roommate" Okay lets be honest.  I'm spiraling, just like i was meant to.  This man came back to me full force (again), got me again, and began his withdrawal.  Here i go again, on my own......remember that song?   I thought i w...

 Jen thinks i'm uncontrollably attracted to Mr. Cigar because we play games.  He keeps me on my toes, we banter, we one up, it's a constant back and forth of the minds and the wills. He wins on the will.  I have none around him.  And i don't mind that one bit.   The mind though?  I know when someone is trying to take me down a peg or two- and i immediately throw the walls up because..well.....fuck you.  I've been at the bottom of other peoples list for most of my life, including my own.  If thats where anyone trys to put me, i am not interested in engaging. Mr. Cigar is wild.  It's what attracts me partially.  One thing that really pisses me off, with good reason, is that he never takes accountability until WAY after the fact.   I realize i'm getting his left over moments.  And i was/am okay with it due to me not having a lot of time to give to any man at this point.  So in a way, he is getting my left over momen...

 I know this is a bad way to shop, and i have fallen into the trap of "ooooh i want that and it's SO cheap".  Kinda like Walmart used to be.   I have been on a no shopping or impulse buying mission and most of the time I am able to control myself.  I go a little wild at the thrift stores though, sometimes spending a whopping $30 which to me, is excessive without purpose. Ha. That couch was a steal.  Best thing i ever purchased, aside from the $50 solid wood entertainment wall.  It has so much storage and shelving and fits my television perfectly.  Those things used to be thousands and i paid $50.  Score.   Anyways, i use my desk constantly and it's very crowded.  It also fits in the corner perfectly and anything else would be too large.  I've tried to figure out how to get more space and i've come to the conclusion that my monitor needs to be off the desk.  Enter temu.  $15 and now i will have added shelf space a...