Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Bill is sniffing around again.  Not for any love of me i'm sure, but for the reassurance that I still care. I do care.  I don't know why, but i do.  I could sit and analyze myself, but why put any more time into him?  It's not going to work between us.  It's over.  He's like an addiction.  If i have contact with him once, i'll be right back to the Bill addiction. And i keep wondering......why??? But like i said.  No more time wasted on a man who didn't know how to tell the truth, played head games, and wasted my time.  When i called him a coward i meant it.   “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love without the intention of loving her” -Bob Marley. I'm sorry i had to understand that quote first hand. It just tells me that men like Bill have existed forever, and always will.  Women like me need to avoid them.  He's not "different".  He's not "original".  He's like many men before him and many ...

I had a whole conversation with Darryl over the weekend and also with Carlos.   My bestie would have a cow if she knew i'm in contact with either one.  Thats why i don't tell her. It's really no one's business.  Even yours. (assuming anyone else reads this) I spent many years with Darryl.  Good, bad, ugly.....we know each other very well.  And now that we aren't together, we can be brutally honest with no consequence to the relationship.  It's not like someone is gonna end up on the couch.  I feel there is love there, tainted, but there.  We were never meant to be together forever.  We probably stayed together entirely too long.  But .......we know each other and there is a comfort in that. So sometimes we talk, and he tests the waters on if he can get some (he IS a man) and that gets shot down because i can't even imagine that.  Don't WANT to imagine that.  Nope.  He's my friend, kind of.  I can't talk to him ab...

 this morning i had a dream that involved my ex husband, and my best friend.  I can't remember what his role was in the dream, but i was at her house using her bathroom and i realized i had gotten blood all over her toilet seat.  I was cleaning it off and asked her for clorox wipes. Okay, thats not strange AT ALL.   Sitting here this morning, working remotely, i look down at a note i had written on scrap paper.  it says "What are you going to do about it?  Thats what i thought." Well, we know what i did about it.  I booted him. I think i wrote that down as i was sitting here at my desk, and he said something i said i didn't like.  That was his response.  I think i wrote it down so i wouldn't conveniently forget about it.  It was a shot to the system.......are you threatening me mother fucker? What am i gonna do about it.  LOLOLOLOLOL Byeeeeee. There was a time when i let that kind of comment slide.  That time has passed....

Back on FB dating - because where else will i meet someone?  HOWEVER, taking a new approach.  I'm saying "yes" to most matches, as long as they have an articulate profile and have put in a bit of effort. THEN i look at the pictures and i have a little grace, because men, the kind i like, generally don't take great photos of themselves.  It's usually in a car, with the angle up their nose.  So i'm not passing judgement on that.   Also, talking to everyone and giving them the same effort they give me.  Not carrying the conversation.  Once they reach out to me, because i will not reach out first (nothing wrong with it, just not my style) the conversation better flow, or i'm deleting them. It's okay to take it off the dating site and text.  It's even better if they get motivated to actually call me.  But i'll never say that out loud.  No more leading, directing, or managing how someone treats me.   No getting invested in a con...

 I'm appreciating my life this morning.  Drove in to work and took purposeful notice of my surroundings.  The beauty of the sunrise, the moon still visible in the sky, mountains in the distance - a beautiful morning. Pure luck.   I had nothing to do with being born in this country, or this state.  I had nothing to do with being born a white female in a rich country. And i'm poor.  I live paycheck to paycheck and pray nothing astronomical happens because i will be homeless.  It's a real thing. And STILL i am lucky. No one is bombing my neighborhood.  No one is destroying my country, devastating my people - for whatever reason they feel is justified. I'm not worried that the school down the street will not be there tonight or that the children going there will no longer live. Thats not part of my normal day. yet. I don't know about politics.  What i do know is that people are people are people.   We are all the same.   ...

 I had that giggly, can't stop smiling, wonderful feeling the first time i saw him in his truck - that big smile that came over his face, the way he looked at me, treated me like i was precious- I'm glad i got to feel that again.  To remember what it feels like and to know i CAN feel that way. Carlos did the same thing to my senses.  I just FELT good around him.  I think the part that has me infatuated with a man I never dated, and barely knew is how he made me feel when I was actually with him.  BEFORE i got high, or had a few drinks.  I would stay at his place for the exact reason that i was under the influence.  I let loose with him. I don't know if he knew i was a novice "partier"...........my last party days were in high school and even then I was just trying to fit in.  I have never enjoyed the feeling of not being able to control my feelings, or actions.  Now, I enjoy smoking some pot or taking gummies when i'm with my friends because ...