Walking Barefoot in Snow

 This morning i was dragging ass.  I went out to dinner and a movie with my bestie last night and got home after 10pm.  So way past my weekday bedtime. We saw the Devil Wears Prada 2 and it was a cute movie.  Besties real estate person does a "movie night with bestie" once a year and the movie is free and they give away raffle gifts.  Fun for something to do.  The theater was filled with women and it was so LOUD.  hmm. Thank you to me for food prepping my lunch and breakfast for work this week because i had no time to throw anything together before i ran out the door.  Thank you me for taking care of me so i didn't have to worry about it. No word from Cute guy yesterday.  I didn't expect it after my ignoring his out of left field texts, nor did i expect to hear from him ever again.  This morning i got a  "Cinco de Mayo" text from him.  Wooooo.  I wonder if that hurt?  I sent back a smile emoji.  Just as much effo...

 I feel .........very calm.  Very neutral. I'm in a quiet space in my head and there are no alarms going off. Work is still very much up in the air, i find myself dreaming about it.  When i was talking to Mr. Cigar he said i could get a job at any hospital in any state, and he's not wrong.  What if i don't retire in Connecticut?  What if i move somewhere that the cost of iving is not so damn expensive. On a single income, and i make a very good wage, I struggle to make ends meet.  The only reason i can go on vacation is because my friends make it happen.  Without them it wouldn't be possible.  I shop consignment and thrift, rarely do i have anything new.  But it's new to me.   Currently i'm sussing out my wardrobe because so much doesn't fit anymore.  My clothes are bagging and yet, i cannot, will not, go out and buy more clothes that won't fit after a season.  I'm waiting to get to my size, not a certain weight.  I k...

 I'm on a roll deep cleaning, reorganizing, reimagining my living space so i can use it to it's full potential for ME.  I don't have guests often, so why do i have a dining room set and full living room crammed with couches?  Because once in a while i entertain. My bedroom used to be set up the way it's "supposed" to be, with walking room on either side of the bed that only i sleep in.  I finally pushed it into the corner freeing up a ton of space that i can now use to HULA HOOP, which is funny because i still haven't figured it out.  BUT i can do yoga and stretches now, without banging myself on furniture or trying to squeeze in.   I use this desk.  I didn't know if i would, or if it would just be storage for crap.  But i use it for work and for crafting.  Now that i know i use it, and how, i'm thinking about adding a search to facebook marketplace for something more sturdy with more room to spread out.  I'd love for it to stretch ...

 I have an account on Our Time that i continuously forget about.  I don't pay, will never pay - but once in a while i check if i've gone into my email and seen i've gotten a message.  I don't always go into my personal email......so....not real good on keeping up. Last week, i was talking to two men from site.  One asked me out on Monday for Thursday (last week) and then i heard nothing from him until the time we were supposed to meet at 6pm that he was there.  I didn't stand him up.  I responded.  Next. The other man i was talking to sends a few texts a day, not too much conversation- and then at night longer more real conversations.  I almost blocked him (okay yes, i've started blocking like the rest of the world) when he said he "was gonna" ask me out for this Thursday BUT (there's my block finger moving) he has dentist appointment and it probably won't be good. First, i'm so glad he followed that up with a valid reason.  I hate the ...

 I'm realizing that i am out of control.   After all that, i texted him when i couldn't sleep and told him "fuck it, just bring me my key on Friday" and then a short conversation took place where i said "i'm being dramatic and it's not a big deal". But it is because i'm back sliding into the story i prefer. So this blog entry is going to be unhinged.  If i can't be honest here, where the hell can i be?  My feelings change within a moment without cause or reason.  My emotions are ruling my world at this moment. And it feels good. I'm a traitor. I don't care about her, when we've been going round about this BS for a year now.  I am the one that reached out to HER when i felt like he was talking so much shit about a woman who thought they were "friends"...Woman to Woman.  And she wanted nothing to do with him, was dating someone else.   So i can work this in my head and justify it by saying She is the one who stepped out of...

 I might be getting smarter, but it sure doesn't make it feel any better. I asked, and got the truth.  I dug a little, held his feet to the fire, and got the whole truth. He is with someone.  Someone is his ex.  And she lives with him.   So there's that. That's all there needs to be.  All i need to know.  I don't want anything to do with any of that. I feel .........sad? but relieved.  He's the guy that would see me to "figure out what this is" between us while she unknowingly sits at home?   No. Lets be honest, I hate her.  But I hate her because of him.  So it's a biased hate.  I SHOULD be hating him, not her.  I should feel sorry for her.  I do feel sorry for her.  I want a best friend and lover in the same package.  Maybe thats a tall order, and maybe that is never going to happen for me.  But i do NOT want a man I can't let my guard down around, or trust.  I don't want to have to wor...