Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I don't like doing it, because i like to know when crazy is stirring up again, but I did it anyways. I blocked Mr. Cigar.  Everywhere. Tomorrow I am casting a banishing spell to cut energetic ties between us, and i'm doing a cleansing ritual in my apartment. Think what you will.  It works. I'm taking full control and i'm removing him and his energy from my life.  I do not want him popping up again. In the past, i've unblocked him and he has contacted me or vice versa and as soon as we talk, that's it, i'm in again.  I imagine it's like crack.  An addiction, an obsession, whatever it is, very unhealthy. One year is more than enough time to waste on any man that doesn't bring peace to my life.  Bye Bill.  Byyeeeee. Wish i could say it was nice knowing you.

 Last Saturday i went for an all day ride with L.  We had dated briefly a couple of years ago, went on a nice ride on his bike during a rainy day on the shoreline (which was a lot nicer than i expected) last year and when he reached out again recently I was all about going for another nice ride. He is tall, handsome, checks all the boxes and most importantly has a lot of miles on his ride .....but i don't see it being anything more than riding companions once in a while.  He is a little flakey.  But i'm safe with him.   We got together to go for a ride and to compare stories of our crazy love lives.  I won't go into his business, or write too much about Mr. Cigars drama life......but they are kinda similar, only flipped.  L had his "roommate" arrested, and Mr. Cigars "roommate" had him arrested. Thats where the similarities end. And yes, i totally lied to Mr. Cigar about my whereabouts last Saturday because I don't owe him any information about my...

  I feel a shift occuring where i'm noticing my own behavior rather than "his". So much has been happening, that rollercoaster ride i never wanted to get on but completely did.  Hell i pushed my way to the front of the line knowing i hate rollercoaster rides........ This morning his first text was a picture of his ex, laughing because she is coming up in his "possible friends" list telling me he has her blocked.  Not good morning.  Just a picture of her and a transparent lie.....so i took some time to respond because, you know, having feelings is "crazy". he of course doesn't take accountability, just puts it back on me for "starting this shit so early".....which i find kind of funny and kind of sad.  Self centered much?   Last text i sent him was "tell me more about your roommate who had you arrested".......and not a peep from him since.  That, will be considered a low blow and will be me being crazy. Yet, it's true. His sc...

 Not to sound overly confident but getting dates isn't difficult for me, or any woman really (as Mr. Cigar liked to tell me)  I do, however, get asked out by handsome guys so.....i'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel.  He sure is. Last night was hard.  I talked to a nice man i met on Facebook, we have friends in common and he's a musician. We chatted and then he called me.  Great convo.  seems nice.  We are meeting in Middletown tomorrow night.   Saturday im going for that ride which i desperately need.  The guy isn't someone i want to date and he knows it.  I was very blunt about it.  But if he's offering me the kind of therapy i need.......i am going.  That will help clear my head. I'm getting angry now.  About the time wasted, the push and pull, the games that were played.  Those two chaotic people have an illness and they'd be doing the world a favor if they just stayed together and left everyone else out...

 Any time i have a free moment i miss him.  I'm realizing how i only obsess over men who don't return my affection, or who seem to be able to forget about me and move on like i never mattered. But thats not all of it.   It's okay though.  I just need to sit in discomfort for a few moments several thousand times a day, during the evening its the worst.  When i wish he would say goodnight.....because then i would know he was thinking about me too. But even if he is, it doesn't matter.  The way all of this happened, no matter the reason or who was wrong or right.......it's not going to work.  Not now.  Maybe not ever. When we keep reaching out to each other it's because neither one of us can stand the discomfort of going without the others attention.  But if we truly loved each other we wouldn't be playing these dumb games.  It's just both of us looking for attention. I do miss that attention, but not the chaos that comes with it....

Yesterday i had an epiphany. I have a compulsive desire to prove that reality is real. I collect evidence, confront lies and want acknowledgement for what is plainly true.  I gather receipts, become the investigator, the truth teller, the referee, the therapist, the witness. People invested in chaos don't want truth.  They want an audience. "They" (in this case, Mr. Cigar and his psycho)  involved me because i participated. I believe if everyone just knew the facts everyone would start behaving rationally. They won't.   After sitting and thinking about this i found it to be true of my entire life.  I do feel like i have to prove reality is real.  I do need to make sense of it even if it is plainly true.  People i trust have questioned that trust because i dig.  I don't take face value, i ask for back up information.  I need all the details. It drives men crazy but women seem to enjoy telling me the nitty gritty. To learn something about...