lets talk about whats his face

 he used to hate that i wrote about him in my blog.  I never should have told him, but considering how often he was the star, i thought it only fair to let him know.

I'm not hard to find if someone wanted to find this blog.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, i've never been with a man (before Tom) who took any interest in anything i have been writing.  Maybe because i'm not a great writer? or they just didn't care to know.

I think it's the latter.  I've only been with men who cared about themselves and put me in the afterthought pile.  If i wasn't serving my purpose, then i was nothing more than a pain in the ass.

It's nice now.  It's nice to be appreciated and praised for attributes i never even noticed as a notable.  Even if Tom and I don't work out.......he's teaching me the qualities I love in a man.  Ones that i will never go without while with a man.   Ever. Again.

Okay so this morning i'm all over the rails.  Lots of work to do.  Found out my checking account is in the red, figured out why.......my fault as usual.  I have to get my finances under control.  One moment of not paying attention and it all goes to shit.  Missing Tom.  Waiting for the Bill outcome in court. Becoming angry at my daughter for not bothering to respond to me anymore.  So many things flying around and hitting the wall.

Finances.  Tom will help me figure it out.  He's good with money.  I have to get over the embarrassment of not being good at money.  It's not laziness as much as fear. regardless of why, i need to get over it and get my shit straight.  Hitting 60 in a couple of years and would like to have a decent credit score and savings maybe?

We/he is buying a laptop this weekend for me to use.  I'm going to record all my finances in a file and keep daily track.  Then hopefully he will review with me.  The purpose of the laptop is a few business adventures we are considering so we can work for ourselves.  He's got the skills and i've got the knowledge of computers and websites.............it's a good match.  He's the maker, i'm the doer.  When someone is in it with me. 

Bill.  He went to court on 10/16 for the arrests and apparently he didn't plead, and his case got pushed to November.  I go on the judicial website about once a week to check if anything has changed.  He really fucked himself by hitting me and Koda.  The man apparently thought i had no limits, no boundaries.......which admittedly were soft with him. Until he hit me.  That solidifies everything.  He didn't care for me, protect me .......and i needed protection FROM him.  Done.  Now i watch his cases with me and his ex.  I want the protective order to stay in place forever......which would mean he will never have his guns back.  I want him to NEVER contact me again in any way shape or form because i know, and have been a victim of his silver tongue.  He is a con artist.  A very good con artist.  He brought me nothing but chaos. 

My son came as close to yelling at me as he ever does when i told him and his wife what had happened.  (the short short version)  He wanted to know what i expected when i was dating a man who owned not one, but TWO war dogs.  Thats what he called the cane corsos.......He said what kind of man keeps war dogs as pets.  

I can't argue.

My daughter.  I went shopping for the kids and bought them clothes.  I sent pictures to my daughter inquiring about sizes because i picked up a leather jacket and a UConn sweatjacket for my granddaughter.  Nothing.  Not a word.  I do not exist in her list of people to speak to. I talked to my son about it, and he was very vague.  The strangest thing is that she has not yet met her nephew.  Something isn't right.  She has completely withdrawn. And taken my granddaughter with her.  

I have to seriously consider what to do.  My son thought sitting outside her apartment waiting for her to come home without announcing my visit first is a horrible idea that she would hate.

I have her not responding so i guess we would be even.

all or nothing

 Work can be so slow sometimes and then all of a sudden everything is on fire.

I've learned how to pay attention to the important fires.  There is a hierarchy and my boss always comes first.  Not previous bosses, and certainly not people who act as if i don't exist until they need something explained.

The program i fell in love with and worked with my now retired boss with for a pleasant 2 years no longer feels like mine.  And if it's not mine, i can't own it.  I go through the motions knowing there is a whole department working against me that doesn't feel the need to clue me in, so when they send me nasty condescending emails asking me a question....

They aren't the first on my list to respond to.

I'm a ghost, remember?  

I'm taking on a lot more in my new role and when the powers that be decided they were going to play games, and that i'd play along.........it was a mistake.

On paper, i "belong" to my boss.  And that is the only one i answer to.  Everyone else, not associated with him, or his work...........is a courtesy in my eyes.  

When something is "mine" and then it isn't......i detach.  

I'm not associated "technically" with the program that I RUN?  Who thought that was a good idea?  

I miss Tom when he's not around.  I mean, really miss him.  I don't worry about what he's doing, or who he's doing it with because he tells me during the course of regular conversation what his plans are.  I don't have to ask, he just talks to me about his life.  What a concept.  And when i do ask questions, he actually answers me.  He doesn't ignore the question, or get defensive.

He likes telling me about his day and his life. He likes listening to my day and thoughts and he even asks appropriate questions because he's listening to me.  Again.  What a concept.

He tells me everything will work out.  We remind each other to be patient.  Slow and steady.  There are a lot of details to consider.  Time will show us the way.  In the meantime, he is stuck on second shift, where his boys and I never get to see him.  It's temporary.  So in the meantime, we talk several times a day on the phone, and text sometimes.  We see each other on Saturday and Sunday, with and without the boys.

The plan this weekend.....yes, we have a plan and it's only Tuesday (what a concept) is for a sleepover Saturday night and spend the day flea market shopping on Sunday.  

It's nice to think about what food i need to buy to feed these men.....to know we will have dinner together at home.  my home.  I want them to be comfortable.  Tom already told me he is giving me money for groceries.....his boys eat a LOT.

So it's not looking like a typical relationship because it's not. He makes sure to get time alone with me, and then we include the boys as well - Time.  In time.  Time will tell once everyone gets comfortable with each other.

He's a good father.  His boys are sociable, funny, kind.....and typical boys.  The love their dad.  It's obvious.  And that is nice to see. It means he takes family seriously and that he takes me seriously.  He treats me like a valued member of his life.

No ass kissing. No faking.  He gets cranky about work and traffic just like anyone else.  He's real.  i'm loving this journey.

nice to hear

 Yesterday Tom told me how proud he is to be with me. 

I mean, there was more to it.......but that was the point.  And he said the words.  He is proud to be with me.  

No one has ever said that to me.  My parents, my friends, my family, previous lovers........I cannot recall one person ever telling me they are proud of me.

Maybe someone did, but if so, i don't remember it.

It made me feel warm all over.  And kind of like crying.  But not in a boo hoo way.  

Yeah.  I had no idea I was so starved until I was fed.

This morning walking in to work I saw a co-worker i'm friendly with waiting at the elevator.  I said "Good Morning" bright and cheery and the man in front of me turned around with such a surprised expression.  His whole face lit up and he smiled and said good morning!  Then I saw the realization that i had been talking to my co-worker hit his face.  I said to him, "isn't it a gorgeous day?"  And his smile returned.  He said, "have you ever mistaken a wave meant for someone else to be yours?"  And I told him, "If i see it, it's meant for me too" and he got such a chuckle.  We told each other to have a nice day and went our ways.

The way that mans face had lit up at the idea of "good morning"..........I think maybe he is starved as well.  Maybe there isn't enough pleasantries in peoples day anymore.

From now on, when i walk down the halls at work i am going to greet everyone with eye to eye contact, a smile, and a "good morning" or a "good afternoon".  That will be the small change i make in my day to day behavior.

I will see people.  And let them see me, see them.  

and so it continues

 I wasn't crazy about the idea of having to support my new boss in a capacity that i did not support my "old" boss.  I worked very independently on my own deliverables and when everyone assumed i'd be the one to support the new guy........i wasn't happy.

He literally fought to have me support him.

I told him i knew nothing more about his position than he did, that i had not supported his predecessor in that role.

I was also afraid that my whole purpose here would be to cater to the new guy.

Gratefully, he is easy to work with.  He likes everything neat, tidy, organized and to flow.  Thats what i do for him.  Mostly his calendar.  And i still have my own deliverables.  I'm still working idependently.

I'm at the point in my life that i work from home twice a week, and i'm in the office 3 days.  I come in early and leave when i'm done.  The clock doesn't rule my world anymore.  I'm not a clock puncher, watching the time until i can go.  

I do love my work.

Most of the time.

And now, Tom.  We both get distracted with work.  His new job, my continuously changing job. 

His life is still very busy.  Mine is whatever i want it to be.  My time out of work is my time.

This weekend we are shopping for a laptop for him.  Or me?  He's buying it, so i can open accounts for him.  We are going to see if we can sell his sexy feet.

I'm not kidding.  There's a market.  He has really nice feet.  Why not?  I may throw my "unique" feet into the mix and see what shakes out.  People have all kinds of fetishes and when i told him some would pay to see his feet, even buy his socks........he was fascinated.

This man has not entered the internet universe.  I'm not sure i want him there.  He doesn't want anything to do with it and wants me to handle it.  With the computer he's buying.   

He has the spirit of an entrepreneur.  I have the ideas.  I love that we've already found a project to experiment with.

Sooooo glad we are too old for an only fans.....which i haven't told him about.  His head my pop off. He is truly a traditional, old fashioned man.........and here i am, ruining him.

I reached out to my son last night and i get to go see them Friday.  I'm showing up without gifts.  Just me.  And then next week I will be more forceful with seeing Lindsay.  

What is there to say

 I don't have much that i want to write about so that tells me i'm feeling pretty good.

I have my moments.  But they pass.  I'm mostly very content.  I'm in a new/old relationship that is slowly unfolding.  It has it's complications, as do most adult in their 50's do.......there have been whole lives before us.  I love the way he treats me.  Not over the top, not sickening, not nice enough that i want to smack him.........not fake.

I believe him.  I trust him.  I don't see red flags anywhere, and i'm not ignoring concerning behavior.  I'm not talking myself into loving him.

I'm just enjoying his consistency, the fact that he has a life he attends to but makes room for me.  Aside from his kids, he makes me a priority.  Happily.  Not grudgingly.  And he doesn't announce it looking for a medal ....he just does it.  I watch his actions and i see how much i mean to him.

Saturday was such a great day.  He and his boys came and picked up Koda and I and we went to Sleeping Giant to walk up the mountain.  The boys took off, as boys do, and we made our way up at a steady and enjoyable pace.  One where we could talk, laugh, look at things......he showed me where the different paths were to get to the rock climbing...he even convinced me that the next time we go, just he and I, we will use some of those paths and he will help me if needed.  

He thinks i can do things, and that makes me think i can do things.  And when i tell him how uncoordinated i am, how little i know how to use my body.....he says he will help me.  And he does.  Without attitude, without making fun of me. We took pictures, and at the top at the castle we took pictures of us and the kids, i made sure to take many of him and his boys.  

His boys.  They are good kids.  Happy, cordial, polite, talkative, open, well behaved.......eager to know me and open to my very surface questions.  He doesn't need me to be a step mom.  He is doing a fantastic job on his own.  I'm leaning on my memories of how Darryl used to treat my kids and i'm following that path.  An adult that cares about them, not an authoritarian, but also not exactly a "friend".  Because they are part of Tom, they will be folded into my world also, and hopefully we can have our own relationships.  

Without telling too much that isn't mine to tell.........their mother is unwell.  Very unwell.  And it hasn't been an easy road for any of them. 

So when she began texting them Saturday night to tell them she was home from the hospital, i knew it was going to make them feel torn.  They were supposed to all spend the night.  We had gone hiking all day, and came back to my place and made a huge batch of tacos for dinner.  Then they picked a scary movie to watch (and it was scary)....they would have put another on but i asked  them if they wanted to go home and see their mom.

I said we should postpone the sleepover, they hadn't seen her in a week.  And they jumped at it.  Tom was disapointed, i could tell, but it was the right thing.  I could tell they didn't want to go, but at the same time did want to go.  

I feel like i should be the soft landing for them.  There are enough hard truths in their young lives.  I fucked it all up when my kids were teens.  I wasn't empathetic to their struggles of all the changes we were going through, i was so scared, so worried about survival and trying to make a new life (yes, with a man) that i was insensitvie to their needs.  Yes they were teenagers who wanted to spend time with their friends, but i should have been there more consistently, even if it meant spending nights and weekends alone waiting for them to come home.

Instead, they waited for me.  And it is my only regret.

So when Tom starts showing he is struggling between his wants, which is to be there for his boys and to be with me.....i remind him that i'm not going anywhere.  They are growing up and soon enough they will have their own lives and getting that time with them might be difficult.

Its why i've told him that the boys are always welcome.....implied in every invitation to come over, or go out and do something.  I'm the new person.  

He has a way of speaking to me that makes me feel very cared for.  Example.  I had told him that i couldn't find pineapple spears in coconut water at my Aldis anymore.  That either they were no long stocking them or someone was buying them up before i could get there.  Yesterday he was shopping with Adam and he called me to tell me he found them. How many jars did i want?

A passing comment and he remembered to look.  

He showed up with a dozen roses Saturday.

He asks me questions when i'm telling him stories.  He TALKS to me and tells me stories about his past as well.

He is outstanding in the sack.  Sorry, had to say it.  It's nice to be with a man who can actually have sex and do it well.  Seems like so many have ED or some kind of health problems, and who knows? Maybe he will someday also, but NOW he doesn't and i'm sure as hell taking advantage of that.

He is romantic, traditional, smart, dependable........He offered to get me out of debt and then i could pay him monthly with no interest.......I declined, of course.  But he has mentioned several times that he would help me improve my credit rating.  

I feel taken care of.  Not controlled.  I feel valued, not used.

And when thats all i want to write about, i guess i tend to keep positive emotions to myself.  Maybe i don't want to have to eat my words if something changes, or if a new side of him emerges that isn't attactive.....i don't want to feel stupid.

But i do trust him, and he does make me very happy.  And apparently vice versa. And for once in my life i would like to trust that feeling.

I'm working on it. 

Never before

 Have i been so openly cared for and wanted - publically.  

Every day he surprises me again with his ability to communicate and his willingness to talk to me about anything and everything.  He tells me what his day looks like before i even can ask.  He shares his thoughts with me.  He listens to what i tell him and remembers stories i've told him.

Like a man who really cares about me, and is interested in getting to know me in detail.

It's not an instant relationship  because it can't be right now.  But I have never felt so natural, at ease and calm with someone and been extremely turned on by him at the same time.

Usually it's one or the other.  I'm not willing to go without either ever again now that he has shown me it IS possible and i'm not being too picky or asking too much.

I can't stop looking at him, touching him when he's near me, hugging him spontaneously (because HE HUGS ME too) and the grab and kiss move.  Yes it's the honeymoon period.  But with all the dating i've done, it's never been like this.

There are no red flags.  Even though he has two young men, his sons, that he is still raising.  He started late.  The boys have met me, and we've spent time together.  He told me he isn't looking for a mother for them, they have one.  But it's important that we know each other and have a relationship.  He doen't keep us seperate. He is a good father, and that is highly attractive to me.

AND he adored his mother.  Another good sign.  

But what it comes down to is how i feel when i'm with him, and how i feel when i'm NOT with him.  I have no doubts, i have no suspicions or concerns.  I know i'm the only one for him and vice versa.  He is trustworthy.  

His baby mama is what keeps us from being together constantly.

He owns a home, he bought it when she got pregnant with his first son 17 years ago. They never got married but they were in a relationship.  They had a second son 13 years ago.  They all live together, along with a 32 year old son she had from a previous relationship.  Tom is the only one who works.  She is on disability and her health is very very bad.

She's one of those that smokes and is on oxygen.  They have a very tumultous past.  She has a  record, is a former drug abuser, and has very litte to do with her kids..  He and her haven't been together in almost a decade.  It went bad shortly after their second son was born.  He assures me, there is no love between them, and hasn't been for a long time.  He needs help with raising the boys, an adult to be there when he is at work, and even that is too much for her.

Not my story to tell in detail.  But she is the obstacle.

Didn't i JUST get out of a bad situation that involved another woman?  Yes.  Yes i did.  And do I feel like this could get very messy?  Yes, yes i do.  And do i think the two situations are alike?  No.  No they are not.

He's not with her, hasn't been with her, but he treats her like the mother of his children.  Green flag.

He has a LOT to be bitter about where she is concerned, and he treats her like the mother of hiss children.  

He does not hide me, OR flaunt me.  He is openly with me.

She has nowhere to go and he feels like he can't just kick her out.  At the same time, he's more than done.  

I just had to say it out loud.  She lives with him.  He could be lying to me and playing me the way Bill did.  However, all signs point to him telling me the truth from day one when he told me his life is complicated.  

He isn't asking me to fix his life, or raise his boys.  He doesnt need money.  He does need me to care about his boys and understand that he is 100 percent responsible for them and neither of us woud have it any other way.

So there.  Thats the situation.  And i'm still happy and secure.  And......I know it's early and only time will tell but i have never felt this way about a man, or been treated so well in my life.  

THAT is the only situation that is my concern.  He will take care of the rest. 

Girls night

 I did not take one picture and i wish i did.  I hope when/if i get old i can remember the night 4 of my closest girlfriends came over with their projects with a days notice.  Only two people weren't able to attend and they were missed.

It wasn't a big deal with a lot of back and forth on date and time and dealing with everyones schedules....it was a last minute text with "hey come over and hang out with me while we work on our projects" invite. Very happy that i have that many women in my life that i can consider close friends.  And all very different.  

Right before they were due to come over i turned on the robot vacumm cleaner to finish up so i could go take a shower.  As i finished cutting vegetables for the charcutterie board I smelled something.  Poop.  The puppy pooped on the floor and the robot had literally dragged it all over the living room.  So i cleaned it all up frantically and my home smelled like poop and bleach.

Lovely.

I ran around lighting every candle i own hoping it wouldn't make it WORSE, because it was hot and humid yesterday and i couldn't open the windows when i had just cooled the apartment down with the air conditioner.

No one knew.

Except when i told them.  Everyone insisted it smelled good and wouldn't have known.  ALSO as each woman arrived they walked around my apartment exclaiming how much it had changed, how ME it is, and how much bigger it seems......they oohed and ahhed about how i had done things....I was very flattered and because each one did it as they came in i know they weren't trying to hype me as a group.

We ate, drank, talked and laughed.......and it was low key and not complicated.  People came when they could and left when they had too.  No big deal.  Just happy to see you.  I'd like to do more of these nights.

However, the next thing i need to plan is a game night for everyone,  And that is going to be more of an event.  Probably in January after the holiday.

After they all left i facetimed with Tom for an hour and a half.  It was the first time we did that.  It was nice to see his face while we were talking.  I've never instigated that kind of call with a man because i'm wary of their intentions and usually correct.  But i just wanted to see his face.  No funny business was even suggested aside from him wanting to drve over immediately.  Today he is bringing me donuts since he brought it up and gave me a huge craving.  

Tonight is the reunion.  I'm wearing jeans and a nice black blouse, bringing my DIRT t-shirt to change into for the show after.  A big night for us "coming out".  He loves to go out with me and immediately holds my hand and takes care of my every want and need right down to putting me in the car.  It's nice to be treated well.  

He is not the type to let me walk all over him or rule him.  He is a traditional, old fashioned man who has never been on a dating site and has only had a smart phone for 2 years.  He banks in person, pays his bills by mailing checks and was fascinated by the concept of venmo.

He's not constantly online shopping for a better woman to fill his empty minutes.  He's not texting and emailing with other women.  I'm it.  

I like that he is attentive, but not possessive.  I like that he left me to hang out with my friends without having to fill the time with another womans attention because i wasn't available.  He thinks of me and hr TELLS me........not in a strange wimpy way.  He is all man.  Very self possessed and sure of himself.  NOT cocky, doesn't have the attitude that i should be lucky to have him........he feels lucky to be with me.

After 40 years.  BUT we happened fast on the tail end of a bad situation and i want to make sure we are both on board because of who we are, not a space to be filled.  Slow and easy.  Learn and watch.  and most of all...........ENJOY the process.