Walking Barefoot in Snow

 There's nothing.  Not a thing i can point to and say "there, thats the red flag". Is THAT a red flag? They say you have 3 loves in a lifetime.  First is idealistic, then hard love, and finally grounded love. Since the breakup with Darryl over 10 years ago, i've dated a LOT.  I've become infatuated with a couple of men, and only really felt anything similar to love with Carlos (later identified as limerence) and Bill (reinforcing that i must love myself first) Yet, how can it be called love when the object of your affection does not return the feeling?  Maybe i needed more lessons on hard love?   Regardless.   I've been talking to Marine man for ONE WEEK and i feel like we know more about each other in that short time than i have learned about during my entire relationship with others. And maybe its because we don't talk about past relationships or dating experiences.  We talk about now, about our likes/dislikes, passions, fears, goals.....

 I need to slow my roll. I haven't been talking to Marine man for a whole week yet and i look for his messages for that dopamine rush.  I like the way he talks to me. He sometimes slips and calls me M'am.  I mean, i've been called worse.  Last night he was wrapped up in the news, watching an elite hostage rescue team in Tuscan regarding the Nancy Guthrie situation.  There was no distracting him, however, i did get my own personal updates from him.  Get the bad guys.   He's not just a retired Marine, he's a GRUNT.  I'm not entirely sure what that is, but put simply, he's a badass.  A genuine, trained Badass.   And he likes me. HOWEVER, we have not set a date to meet yet.  He says "soon", and I flat out asked him if he was involved with someone and he reassured me he is not, and has not been for a long time.  Calmly and directly, without any attitude.  You know, like a grown up responds to possibly rude questions....

 Last night i spent 2 and 1/2 hours on the phone with Marine Man.  There was some flirting, but nothing i wouldn't say in front of other people.  We can't shut up.  He asks great questions, and remembers my answers.  Sometimes i have to repeat my questions......in that regard, he is a total guy.   Nothing escapes me.  If you don't answer me, i give it another shot.  If you still don't answer me I file it away under "something he doesn't want to discuss" for future reference. One thing i like is that he doesn't talk about women he has dated and he doesn't want to hear about anyone i've dated.  I like that.  We are dealing with who we are with each other. He told me he respected me because our first conversations didn't have me asking interview questions like "where do you work" and "how many siblings do you have" etc.  You know, the boring questions that mean nothing until you know if you even LIKE the guy.  Who cares abo...

 i fell for two avoidant personality types.  The kind that like you fine until you actually want to be with them.  The more you want them, the more they pull away and run. I've worked through "why" in therapy, and i'm pretty sure now that i'm aware of it, i can hopefully avoid it.   I need more than bare minimum.  I need to not give more than one reasonable chance.  I get mad at myself, get "dramatic" about it because i'm ashamed to have fallen for someone who gave me all the evidence that he was not the one. First with Carlos. Who seemed very interested until I was returning the interest.  Then he "got stressed".  I'm not sure if he really is an avoidant though, because he's been with someone for a while and doesn't seem to have a problem staying with her. Maybe it was just me.  He didn't want to be with me but the sex was good.  I just didn't fill any other criteria he had in his head.  He was honest, but it doesn'...

 Mostly I sat and watched TV this weekend.  I did go grocery shopping and managed to go poke around at the dollar store (i needed a foam board) but those were the only two times i left home.  It was COLD as hell.  I did some shoveling just because - cleaned off my car from the snow - and called that my cardio. More conversations with the Marine.  So far so good.  He has some very strong feelings about illegal immigrants that might become an issue if we start dating.  It's never black or white.  It's okay to have differing opinions but when someone has that much fire behind their's.......you wonder if a calm conversation and an agreement to disagree is going to work. So far, that's the only caution signal i'm getting.  He texted briefly throughout the day Sunday, but was with his family and then watching Super Bowl.  I like that he let me know that he was going to be busy but still thought enough to text once in a while. He seems level-he...

 You never know what is on the other end of that conversation.  Profiles with pictures that are not who they are, descriptions that are leaving out the most important parts.......It's a crap shoot. The Ranger guy turned nasty with strange texts and when i told him basically "good luck" he went on a long rant about how fat, old and ugly i am and how no one will ever want to date me. Basically, he sounded like a woman.  Most men, even jerks, would just say "fuck off you fat ugly bitch"....but this one had paragraphs.  Catfished. You always have to be conscious that people are not always what they say they are.   I tend to only talk to one person at a time.  I know, i'm supposed to talk to many, date a few and have sex with one......(a good rule i stumbled on years ago) but damn, i don't have the energy for all that.  Or the interest.  Plus i can't keep them straight.   So, "Ranger" boy off the table, i see what else is going on in my ...