All the lessons in the world

 Had dreams about Mr. Cigar last night.  Nightmares actually.  

I mailed the letter i wrote to the court last week.  I want the judge to understand that this last episode was not the first time he frightened me, or overstepped himself.  I want that protective order to stick.  Right now it has no end date because he has court for this on October 14th.  I'm hoping my letter will reinforce the need for the protective order to stand, so that he cannot contact me in any way shape or form.  I sent printed screen shots of the accounts he has used in the past to contact me when he is blocked.  

My feelings for Bill snapped the minute he lost it on my that last day.  I went from thinking i wanted a future with him to not being able to get away from him fast enough. 

Does that make me fickle?  That one situation can so finally change my mind?  I mean, it happened with my ex also, the moment i found out he was sleeping with another woman.

My brain snaps.  Disconnects.  Finishes.  Like a sword coming down.  But i never know what is going to do it.  Yes, it still hurts after that disconnect happens, but there is no way i can stand to think of that mans hands on me again.  I can feel it change.

Today, for some reason, Mr. Cigar is forfront in my brain.  Keeps interrupting my thoughts.  Not in a good way....it's more like i know he is stirring.  Like the demon in hell.  I know he's thinking about me and that is the last thing i want.

I just invited my girlfriends over to my place tomorrow night for a "bring your project" night.  We can sit around drinking wine and working on our projects while we catch up with each other.  Or sing.  Or have pillow fights........hahaha.    It's last minute so i don't expect everyone to come but so far a few have said they will be there.

Sometimes you just need a good girls night in comfy clothes.  These are my friends, and i'm throwing them together.  Most know each other, but not everyone.  I'm sure it will be fun.

I haven't talked to Cathy since last weekend when she invited me over for soup.  It felt a little strained.  I get so frustrated when everything that comes out of her mouth is a complaint or negative.  I'm sure i've driven her crazy as well.  I just have to ride this period out and hope she eventually stops finding something wrong in every single situation.

She cares too much.  About what other people are doing or how they are treating her.  I guess i've become numb to my kids not needing me, i don't take offense.  I don't take it personally.  I just want them to be happy.  Cathy needs to let a lot go if she is ever going to be happy.  But i can't tell her that.

I'm excited to see Tom Saturday and go to the reunion and then DirtFest.  I've missed his company this week.  He was sick this weekend, but did come for a short time with his son just to lay eyes on each other.  He started a new job this week and he isn't really happy.  They want him to train on second shift, and that has thrown him off.  

We are going slow and easy, getting to know each other and not rushing into anything.  I just got out of a messy relationship and he has his own complications and kids that need his attention.  I already look foward to his messages, and phone calls.  We can't stop talking most of the time.  

Work will be picking up again now that it's October my project kicks into gear.  I can't believe the summer is over already.  Next it will be the holiday.  

Time flys.  

I can't keep waiting

 for the other shoe to drop.  

So far, it hasn't.

Aside from the one disagreement Tom and i had, over something i told him that he did NOT like......which in reality, he shouldn't if he cares for me.........we haven't had any issues.  Yes, i'm purposely being obtuse.  There is something in my past that came about in conversation while we were taking gummies....and he had a difficult time with it.  I became immediately defensive, which didn't help.  But we talked it out the following day and he has a better understanding.  Sometimes the movies are just the movies, and not real life.  Thats all i'm gonna say about that.

We spent the day at the Berlin Fair together with his boys checking in with him periodically - I got to spend some time with them and him.  He calls me, texts me, talks to me about real things, listens to my long ass stories (I have shortened them because he is so patient) and he remembers things i've told him.  We are getting to know each other, again.  

Yesterday afternoon he came over with his youngest, 13, and we watched football and i tried to do paper mache.  I brought out my clay and they were playing around with it while we talked.  Then they went home.  His son wasn't ready to go.  I think thats a good sign.

Tommy told me we had to talk about a few things the next time we are alone......and i have a good idea what it's about.

First i want to say this.  Out of all the men i've dated he has every attribute that i have been attracted to in other men.  Besides the above, he brought me flowers, red roses.  He made me a trinket box and he is always bringing over little gifts for me.  He doesn't trauma dump.  He doesn't make excuses for his behavior because he hasn't acted in a way that needs it.  What a nice change.

He loves Koda.  

With all that said, I find myself in the same situation i was literally just in with Mr. Cigar.

There is a woman at home.  

The mother of his children.

He told me about her the first time we talked.  That his life is "complicated".  Oh, how i hate that word.  

He said she lives downstairs, has her own room and he and the boys live upstairs.  They coexist but have no relationship outside of the boys.

That sounds pretty typical for two people who have been together for 17 years.

They aren't married. They are together because they got pregnant unexpectedly,  So he bought a house, and set up a life with her to raise their son. They had a second son.  He wanted a family.  He didn't know she had a serious drug problem - and it all blew up in his face when the police raided their home and she was arrested while he was at work.  

Tom has been married before, once, and had an amicable divorce with his ex wife.  They carried on for another 4 years after they divorced.  He just couldn't live with her, they were young, and he wanted to settle in and she wanted to go out and party.  He doesn't want to get remarried.  He did it already.  He has the same attitude about it that i do....."why get married?".

When everything blew up with this current woman, he told her he was only there for the boys, that they were done.  It's his house.  She doesn't work.  She is also very depressed and sick since she got off the drugs 7 years ago.  She does nothing.  He said her health is really bad, that she smokes on an oxygen machine and has no relationship with him or the boys.  

It sounds horrible.

The boys really don't have a relationship with her.  Tom raised them.

He says he needed help with them.  He needed someone home with them while he went to work.  His mom had passed, his brothers both had their own problems going on and his sister had a very ill husband.  He had no one he could trust to help him raise the boys.  So he tolerated her being there.

Yes, i understand that this is one sided.  And that she may have a very different story.  And i remain nuetral because i don't know her, and I really don't want to get involved in another fucked up situation where there is a man going back and forth lying to two women.

However, the boys are very aware of me and seem to like me.  They have made comments about their mother always sleeping and that it's always been them and their dad.

I still reserve judgement.  

Tom wants us together, and .............so do I.  But i don't want to rush into another situation that isn't what it seems.

He said it's time for her to move out of the house.  She had nowhere to go previously, and he wasn't going to just kick her out with her health being the mother of his sons.  But her brother has done very well for himself, and has apartments she can rent.  He says it's time. 

He assures me it has nothing to do with me other than he wants a different life.  He hasn't been living aside from working and raising the boys.  He wants a relationship.  And then i sent him a message and we talked and met up....he said he's not letting me get away a second time.

I'm in no rush.  I do have feelings for him.  But i need time for the excitement to wear off and see what is really there between us.  The chemistry is off the charts, we naturally treat each other very well, even the fact that he has sons that are young doesn't bother me because HE is raising them.  

so thats where im at right now.  I think about Bill and all the bullshit i went through and i want to go back and tell myself that i shouldn't have to fix a man or a situation.  I shouldn't have to be the one he dumps all his trauma on, as if i don't have my own vested interest in the outcome.

I just don't want a repeat.  Tom is worth it to me to be patient, but i don't want to be caught up in the dissolution of there living arrangment.  I told him i wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't take it as well as he seems to think she will.

Time needs to pass and I need to watch.

This is what it's supposed to feel like

 I can't wait for tonight.  Tommy is coming over and i have the day off from work tomorrow.  We can spend some quality time together. 

We can't seem to shut up around each other.  Talk, Talk, Kiss, Talk........laugh our asses off.  I can't help but think that i wish we reconnected again so much sooner.

But we weren't ready.

I hope we are now.  Time will tell. 

Seems very fast,  but we had our first "conflict" that i mentioned previously.  We had taken gummies and I can get ridiculous thinking everything is hysterical when i'm under that influence.  He asked me a question about one of my tattoos and some of my knick knacks around my apartment and i gave him a very direct answer.........while laughing my ass off.  So the timing wasn't ideal.  Nor was my delivery or his reception. He became very quiet, and all of a sudden had to go home for "his boys".  How am i to argue with that?  Can't keep a man from his kids.  So he exits quickly and i am still stoned, so i'm still happy.

Until the next morning when i wake up and remember the conversation.  Oh. Shit.  Not how i wanted to tell him.  I would have eventually had that conversation had it ever come up naturally.  I do feel he, as someone i want a relationship with, has a right to know.  I don't like secrets or omissions that can come back and ruin your future.  I won't lie about anything because I don't have regrets.  Everything i've ever done or lived through has given me experience and growth.  Doesn't mean i'd do it again. 

So next morning i don't hear from him.  Finally around 10am i text him and say "second thoughts?" and he basically says yes and why.  I kind of knew based on him leaving like his ass was on fire....and not hearing from him multiple times at the crack of dawn, so i wasn't surprised.  BUT i was hurt.  And then i got angry.  And then i let him have a peace of my mind.  

We weren't unkind to each other, but we weren't agreeing.  And looking back, it was probably the first adult disagreement with a man i've ever had that was reasonable and respectful.  We both walked away from it feeling like it was resolved and neither of us had to be the "wrong" one, or the "bad" one.  No one felt like a jerk.  And we carried on as we have before after coming to the conclusion that we both had feelings about the information i shared and that the past is the past, and i have no feelings or regret, however that is over now.  

He was very clear about how he felt about me, moving forward.  And i agree.

So it worked out. 

disbelief and comfort

 Do you ever have so much and so little going on in your life that you kind of blip out.  Like lose a few days?  

Since the drama with Mr. Cigar, i've been going at maximum speed or a dead stop with no in the middle.  I drew up the letter to mail to the court so the judge knows this is not a first time event however it was escalating rapidly.  Also that i want that protective order in full effect for as long as possible to keep him from contacting me.

They are supposed to notify you when the protective order expires, and my plan is to constantly renew it for as long as i can.  That man will never go away, and not in a good way.  My back walking away from him is the last he will ever get from me.

My ex and i have been texting on and off since the drama.  Nothing crazy.  Comfortable, not romantic.  I can't look at him like that anymore, i don't feel that way.  But it's nice to know he's there when i need him, and he knows he can call me if he needs me.  Thats the history between us.  I even told Tom about him and said they might meet eventually if we work out.

So much.

We went to the Berlin Fair with his sons on Saturday afternoon.  When he came in the house to pick me up he brought me a candle from the boys. I thanked them when i got into the car where they were waiting.  Very nice young men, 17 and 13.  They kind of just enfolded me into their world -chatting, joking, telling me about their lives and friends.....and at the Fair they checked in periodically to show us their stash.  I even told the oldest a "tell" about how to know when a girl wants to talk to him. I enjoyed them.

Tom got me the thumb ring i wanted and we had "Tom & MB 1986" stamped into it.  We were giggling- okay, I was giggling and we were chatting with the vendor about how we had met in high school and watched each other all year but had only started talking recently for our 40th year class reunion.  We felt like kids....all day actually.  We walked, and ate food and sat and watched people and talked and talked and talked.  He asked me if i noticed people looking at us and after he pointed it out, i did notice.

I think its because how often do you see two old white hairs, walking around obviously happy, holding hands and talking their asses off to EACH OTHER.  

I was so relaxed.  At a FAIR.  with a lot of people around and usually i'm stressed pretty fast in that environment.  But i let him.  I just held his hand and he led me around, feeding me anything i said looked good, and making sure i wasn't tired or hungry.  He took care of me.  He wanted me to have a nice time.  And when the boys would check up on us, he would light up.  

I like that he is close to his sons and that on Friday nights they get snacks and hang out together watching a movie, or television.  He said it's always been like that.  The three of them.

And i was jealous honestly.  I wish i had made Friday nights or any night of the week a special night for me and my teens.  I wish i had had the presense of mind to remember that they would not always be there with me, that they would grow up and away.  Very Fast.  

AND we had our first argument.  And it was a good one, with the statements that started it, the upset apparent on both ends, each expressing their feelings about said statements and the information gleened from them.......I gave him holy hell, he accepted my wrath with a warning of "don't be a hothead"......because i did call him an asshole, but we got it all out without any hitting or threats, imagine that.  And now, it's even better than before the argument.

I didn't have to sell my soul to keep him, and he was able to express his thoughts and concerns without me running away.........It was a nice change for me.

Thats the short version of a packed weekend.  Life is looking good. 

don't go by pictures

 Toms facebook picture is awful.  Truly awful.  And when i found him on facebook i couldn't care less what his picture looked like.

It was Tom.  For my senior year all i did was look for him in the Berlin High School hallway and smoking area.  He was a bad boy with a lot of friends.  He wore a leather jacket, jeans, had long hair and a long goatee....yes, in high school.

I was smitten.

But i also was living with my boyfriend and his family and that was why i was spending my senior year in a highschool where i knew no-one.  

If i had been a normal teen, with a normal life.........i wouldn't have met him.  But i also would have been able to date him if i DID.  What a fucked up situation i was in.

An 18 year old should never have to decide the future of her life based on keeping a roof over her head and pressure from all around her to stay with her boyfriend.

It should have never happened.  I should have been guided.  I wasn't.  Not one person helped me grow up to be MYSELF.....it was always to the benefit of someone else that i was alive.  My life was never mine.

And maybe thats why i have attached to men.  To the dream of wanting to pick my life and thinking it had to be WITH someone.  

The only thing i don't regret about marrying my hs boyfriend is having my children.  They are my reason for not regretting my entire life and many times, they have saved me, without knowing it.

I understand that i have always been man focused, and that I did not give them the time and attention they needed, and deserved.  I have no valid excuse.  If i could do my life over i would do that part different.  I would figure out earlier that men complicated my life, they didn't make it easier, they didn't help me or protect me..........they were an escape from lonliness and feeling unloved and alone.

I have always just wanted to be the one, to be enough, for ONE person to share my life with. Someone who cared about me as much as i cared about them  An adult to share life with 

And i chose badly each time.  My ex D was a free spirit not to be tied down and that is exactly what i tried to do.   We were doomed from the start and his mother told me that on several occassions. She said "you know it's not forever" and "It's never going to be permanent" and "you are not going to end up together"........throughout our 13 year relationship

And then they wondered why i got so upset around the holidays, because i had no permanent family that looked at me like i needed them too..........always aside from my children who were and are my entire family.  

I made bad choices, and some good things came from each one.  But i would love to finally do it right.

Maybe Tom, who is still handsome and very physically fit, is my future.  Or maybe not.  We won't know until we find ourselves looking back over the years and saying "wow, we made it"....

He makes no bones about not wanting to waste another 40 years not being together.  He says the most romantic and loving thing to me and it doesn't feel like love bombing.  It feels like we are both relieved to have finally come full circle.  And i feel at peace, and very much excited at the same time.

Who knows what the future holds.  One day at a time.  But it's nice to look forward to him.  

clear it out

 I still have the childrens book that my ex D gave me for christmas one year.  And i have the necklace, and a lot of the cards and pictures from him.  I probably won't ever get rid of them.  

But, this weekend i cleared out the gifts and items that were given to me by Bill.  I loved the leather work bag he gave me and always used it, even when we kept breaking up.....but i cleaned it out and brought it to Jens and gave it to her.  I told her if she doesnt want it she can donate it.  It's a very nice bag.

And he got the exact same one for his ex. (he's so stupid that he insisted he got her a more expensive bag when he tried to re-gift it to me because she had left it behind)  And the wine glass he gave me was something he gave all his female friends. Even his gifts were unoriginal and given to everyone.  Loser.

I had worn one of his good flannels home one night.  It smelled like him and i didn't give it back.  So i brought that to Jens house as well to give to her niece's husband because it's too small for Doug.  

Everything went.  Nothing of him remains aside from a few pictures in my phone which i think i will delete. Not one picture was taken of us together in over a year.  

There is nothing left. Aside from finishing that letter to the court.  That is my final word and then i will be completely done until i'm notified the protective order is expiring.  Then i will renew it for as long as i can.  I will not have him contacting me or thinking i want him to, ever again.

And i feel peace now.  No waiting for the contact i've done everything to avoid but i know is coming.  He always found a way back in.  And i always let him.  And then we'd have a few good times and it would turn bad again.  Faster each time.

Because i let him. 

And those days are over.

I don't want to gush about Tom but there is plenty of reason to.  I just don't want to write about him in the same entry as Bill because he deserves so much better than that.

No call from Cathy, or either of my kids yesterday.  Every day i think of moving to South Dakota and starting my van life.......what is keeping me here.

In trouble

 I finally worked myself up to talk to Cathy last night.  I called her and launched into what had been going on, how i had continued to see Bill on and off and lied to her because she had made her opinion of him clear and i didn't want to hear it from her.  That it was my choice to see it out to its end and that i didn't need her yelling at me or judging the situation because i knew i wasn't going to listen to her.  I wasn't even listening to my SELF.

She got mad when i said judgement and i reinforced what i said..  I told her this is my life and her very expressed opinions on it were a judgement.  I was honest about why i didn't tell her and i stood behind what i said.  When she tried to do exactly what i knew she was going to do i told her this is my life and i wasn't looking for approval.  I did what i did because i wanted to. The end.

Then i told her about the happy part, reconnecting with Tom.  She wasn't interested.  She had already moved into the guilt portion of the call where she said "do you want to know why i kept calling you?" and then she hit me with her future son in laws recent health issues and her argument with her son at her granddaughters birthday party.

I listened and offered no advice aside from trying to remain positive and not think the worst. 

i'm afraid we are outgrowing our friendship or going threw a major transition...........she is always negative and upset about things she cannot control.  She is hell bent on her son apologizing to her husband about something that took place last year and she is allowing it to interfer with her relationship and therefor not seeing her grandchildren.\

We don't agree.

I am upset i don't see or hear from my kids but i realize they have adult lives.  When i can be with them i'm not going to fight about petty stuff just to be right. I don't want them to cringe when they know they will see me.  

She has the world and she still manages to find things to be unhappy about.  And she forgets who she is talking to.........and she is complaining to me about things i will never have.  THINGS.

Sometime i just dont like her.

I believe friends should tell you the truth but you shouldn't be afraid if getting into trouble with them.