Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Jen thinks i'm uncontrollably attracted to Mr. Cigar because we play games.  He keeps me on my toes, we banter, we one up, it's a constant back and forth of the minds and the wills. He wins on the will.  I have none around him.  And i don't mind that one bit.   The mind though?  I know when someone is trying to take me down a peg or two- and i immediately throw the walls up because..well.....fuck you.  I've been at the bottom of other peoples list for most of my life, including my own.  If thats where anyone trys to put me, i am not interested in engaging. Mr. Cigar is wild.  It's what attracts me partially.  One thing that really pisses me off, with good reason, is that he never takes accountability until WAY after the fact.   I realize i'm getting his left over moments.  And i was/am okay with it due to me not having a lot of time to give to any man at this point.  So in a way, he is getting my left over momen...

 I know this is a bad way to shop, and i have fallen into the trap of "ooooh i want that and it's SO cheap".  Kinda like Walmart used to be.   I have been on a no shopping or impulse buying mission and most of the time I am able to control myself.  I go a little wild at the thrift stores though, sometimes spending a whopping $30 which to me, is excessive without purpose. Ha. That couch was a steal.  Best thing i ever purchased, aside from the $50 solid wood entertainment wall.  It has so much storage and shelving and fits my television perfectly.  Those things used to be thousands and i paid $50.  Score.   Anyways, i use my desk constantly and it's very crowded.  It also fits in the corner perfectly and anything else would be too large.  I've tried to figure out how to get more space and i've come to the conclusion that my monitor needs to be off the desk.  Enter temu.  $15 and now i will have added shelf space a...

 My brain is filled with how i'm going to pay for plane tickets to Florida and Utah this summer and still pay my rent and basic bills. The crunch is real. I make a more than decent wage, i cannot understand how someone who only feeds one person, pays rent and buys all her clothes second hand can't make ends meet.  I bought a couch for $100 and felt like i was spending $10,000.  I'm not cheap.  I'm terrified. One small mis-step and i lose the roof over my head.   At least i wouldn't have any bills then.  Well, i'd have my credit card bills but i could pay them all off with two paychecks. Isn't that fucked up? So the choice is try to stay safe and keep money (doesn't work) or live my life and be creative with how i manage my money and STILL have none........i'm gonna live.   It's scary and at the same time, it's still scary. Really deep diving into my tarot/astrology/numerology lately.  It's uncanny how spot on it is.  Yes, it's subco...

 I tend to fall off writing when i'm in a "good" place, which shouldn't be.  I need to write about when i'm happy and boring too. Mr. Cigar is as he is.  He doesn't change, he just goes through his life living it as he pleases.  I envy that. and i can appreciate it as long as he doesn't treat me as disposable, or a side piece.   I missed him in my life.  It's that simple.  As much disruption and upset that i felt when we were "together" in the past......i felt seen and heard too.   I find that when i'm not waiting for or depending on his attention to feel good, I am a lot happier.  There is not destination in mind.  This will play out for a lifetime or it will stutter and start a few times before it completely finishes.  I'm okay with it. In the meantime, I've been looking for interesting positions to apply for.  I want to know if at this age, i can still be marketable.  I want to know what my worth is profession...

 i have an interview in half an hour and i'm as prepared as i can be.  I'm not nervous, strangely.  I am curious. This would be a lateral move.  I'm looking. It's not that i hate where i am.  I feel a huge change coming and i'd like to be in control of my own destiny.  I don't want to be dragged along as a side thought. Not in my professional life or my personal life. Since we have been talking again i've seen him once.  We talk and text all day every day......unless we don't.  I let him reach out.  I asked him to come see me Tuesday, and he couldn't.  Asked if he could come the next day, Wednesday.  Then last night he had a headache and just wanted to go home.  Thats okay.  I'm not upset.  I'm just watching. This time my emotions will not do the deciding. We will watch.  I don't want to be addicted for the rest of my life to this man, to the unknown.  I want to know EXaCTLY what i'm leaving, or staying with...

 My phone gives me flashbacks of May in the past- and it's filled with my granddaughter over the years.  I love sharing those pictures with my daughter.  I'm glad i take so many pictures.  I just forget to share them. I have to go through my phone so that when i die my kids don't see any shocking photos of mom in the past.  ooops.  It's time to get rid of all that. I had some big fun. And not my life is calm and still on an upward trajectory.  This is what age does, while you can still remember.  I love talking to him.  I think when we aren't speaking, that is what i miss the most. We talk about everything and don't agree about all of it.  We never run out of things to say to each other when we are on the phone or in person.  It just flows.  And i feel heard, if not always understood.  I love to listen to his views and  question my own views, then talk to him about it.  Being fully understood is rare. Being ...