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What the actual fuck

 Last night i went out to see a live band with Doug, Jen and Ed.  I told Bill i was going out with my friends, and asked him to join us. He said no, he had a competition to be at early Saturday morning. But he called me the afternoon and told me he had a really honest conversation with Mary and he told her about me.  Told her he wants us both. And she is apparently okay with it. I'm high.  I should mention that. THEN he told me how he had sex with her this morning. Because, you know, being honest. Several things.  I didn't feel jealous, but i did feel AGAIN like i was being faithful, passed up an opportunity and while i was passing it up, he was doing something he said he no longer had interest in with her anymore. And i bet she'll be sleeping with him tonight and not downstair anymore. I have so many mixed feelings.  And I'm high.  I passed up Ed last night because while he was drinking and intoxicated he decided to tell me all night that he wants to ...
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this is how i know

 Normally, when a man expresses and opinion that i don't agree with, and actually feel quite strongly about......it will turn me off in a way that is not fixable. I have moments where i fall in love with people.  Weird little unsuspecting moments where its like being hit in the head and a light being shined on that person in that moment.  Not IN love, just ....love. I fell in love with Amie the weekend we got stuck on a mountain in an ice storm while we were peeing off the side of a frozen solid truck standing on frozen ground trying not to fall down and laughing our asses off.  Love. I fell in love with Josh when he gave a puppy mouth to mouth resusitation to save it's life.  Love. I fell in love with Mike during a friends camping trip when he took the blame and apologized for something he didn't do just to calm down a woman who was losing her shit and driving everyone crazy.  Love. Those are a few memorable moments.  And i will love them forever weth...
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in retrospect

 This morning i was listening to a woman describe her first boyfriend experience, and how abusive and intense it was.  It was more about her than about him, which i appreciated.  I mean, unpopular opinion here but, it takes two.  One to give it and one to take it.  I'm not saying anyone deserves it, what i'm saying is that there are TWO people in that dynamic.  Sometimes it just takes a really long time to leave, or maybe you stay until the other person ends you.  I'm not heartless.  I'm a realist.  The day i let a man hit me in anger is the day that man learns not to hit me.  And the last time he sees me in person. So make it good.  No second chance here. I've stayed before, so i know of what i speak.  Last night Mr. Cigar told me i always go to the doomside of things, and never the positive. I told him that life has taught me to be prepared for the worst.  I have learned that lesson.  And until someone finally treat...
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when it counts

 Today i am struggling.  Since i found out in February that the SOM will no longer be financing it's portion of my salary due to changes they are making regarding the program i coordinate.....that has nothing to do with me, yet EVERYTHING to do with me........I've been on edge. Being at work and not knowing IF you have a job when the boss you were hired to work with on this program is retiring, or almost worse WHAT your job will become if you still have one.......is torture.  And "they" the powers that be,  don't seem to give it a second thought.  Just "you don't have to worry, you will have a job"......as if that is all i need to know. Would they come to work every day and give it their all if they didn't know what department they were working for or what their chain of command was?  And no one seemed to think it was very important? When outside companies come in, or when leadership begins to restructure, ambiguous positions at my level are not ...
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Hot and bothered

 It's hot.  We knew it was coming and here it is.  Overnight we went from cool to roasting.  Welcome to new england. I slept like crap last night.  I wish i knew what the difference is.  What makes one nights sleep so sound and the other so restless?  Although, the sleep was so deep the other night i really had difficulty getting up and went back to bed and slept deeply for another hour.  I wondered if i had drugged myself somehow?   So it's hot and i'm bothered.  I haven't laid eyes on Mr. Cigar in over a week.  this is aggravating to me, however, i am aware that he is crawling with work and already getting ready for the next season.  Yesterday he was telling me about the salt they use (liquid) on commercial properties and how they are projecting a shortage....everywhere is a guessing game.  Buy a lot now and where do you store it?  Don't buy enough and possibly don't have access when you need it.....or pay out ...
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new patterns and renegotiation

 I had a spiral moment on my way home from the shenanigans gathering Saturday night.  I didn't like not being able to get in touch with Mr. Cigar.  All the "what if's" came in and filled up space in my thoughts.  What if i needed him?  What if he is sleeping with her?  What if he has taken her for a ride in his new fancy vehicle?  What if, what if, what if None or all of those things could be true.  And my question to myself is "how does that change your feelings about him?" It gives me pause.  But only pause.  I'm still in it.  But i need to ask myself, why.  I think she's in it to win, not because she loves him so much.  She gets a lot for very little in return.  And what does he get?  Company?  He says no. Her response to the new vehicle sitting in the driveway was "must be nice".........there was no ride apparently.  Of any kind.  BUT it's what he wanted, what he chose and he gets to live with ...
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Spiraling

 Well, we all knew it would come to this. I had too much excitement today.  I went to my son and dil's baby shower and brought my two best friends, one silver and one gold...haha I got to see my whole family.  for a couple of hours.  I feel very ....old?  But also very grandma"ie".  Its worth the loneliness off my kids growing up and away when i get to see them sometimes and they give me grandbabies. Then i went to Dave's house for the Shenanigan + gathering which is always nice once i get there.  It's the getting there part that is hard.   Mr. Cigar bought a new Expedition today.  It would have been nice if i could have shared that, or anything with him.  Instead he is home with his "roommate" Okay lets be honest.  I'm spiraling, just like i was meant to.  This man came back to me full force (again), got me again, and began his withdrawal.  Here i go again, on my own......remember that song?   I thought i w...
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