In trouble

 I finally worked myself up to talk to Cathy last night.  I called her and launched into what had been going on, how i had continued to see Bill on and off and lied to her because she had made her opinion of him clear and i didn't want to hear it from her.  That it was my choice to see it out to its end and that i didn't need her yelling at me or judging the situation because i knew i wasn't going to listen to her.  I wasn't even listening to my SELF.

She got mad when i said judgement and i reinforced what i said..  I told her this is my life and her very expressed opinions on it were a judgement.  I was honest about why i didn't tell her and i stood behind what i said.  When she tried to do exactly what i knew she was going to do i told her this is my life and i wasn't looking for approval.  I did what i did because i wanted to. The end.

Then i told her about the happy part, reconnecting with Tom.  She wasn't interested.  She had already moved into the guilt portion of the call where she said "do you want to know why i kept calling you?" and then she hit me with her future son in laws recent health issues and her argument with her son at her granddaughters birthday party.

I listened and offered no advice aside from trying to remain positive and not think the worst. 

i'm afraid we are outgrowing our friendship or going threw a major transition...........she is always negative and upset about things she cannot control.  She is hell bent on her son apologizing to her husband about something that took place last year and she is allowing it to interfer with her relationship and therefor not seeing her grandchildren.\

We don't agree.

I am upset i don't see or hear from my kids but i realize they have adult lives.  When i can be with them i'm not going to fight about petty stuff just to be right. I don't want them to cringe when they know they will see me.  

She has the world and she still manages to find things to be unhappy about.  And she forgets who she is talking to.........and she is complaining to me about things i will never have.  THINGS.

Sometime i just dont like her.

I believe friends should tell you the truth but you shouldn't be afraid if getting into trouble with them.  

life is wierd

 going through all the chaos and drama and feeling like i'm completely out of control emotionally and physically and then one day it all comes to a head and there is no going back.......then there is quiet.  A whole big space of nothing where longing and regret used to slip in......but now, nothing. Just a very clear vision of the crazy ride i was on, that i actively chose to be on......hoping it would end in a fairy tale moment.

but i'm not a princess and he was certainly no knight.  He was never going to pull my onto his white horse and ride into the sunset with me.  He was going to end up killing me eventually - and now i know how sneaky abuse is, how it dresses up as one thing to pull you in and even if you are smart, and experienced and run your own life you can be fooled.  Anyone can be.

I kept going back and he kept stalking me when i left.  It was a vicisious cycle of hope and disapointment.  No matter how well i was getting to know myself, i couldn't possibly know him.  

And now i have a full protective order against him and he's been arrested twice, and i told the police about the guns he didn't turn in.  Because he's not safe.  And he'll be the first person to tell you that.  I finally believe him.

My ex was a big help, letting me have a meltdown and then encouraging me to do what i thought was best.  He didn't tell me what to do aside from stop hanging out with assholes.  Solid advice.  But he was who i thought of when i needed help and he gave it to me by simply being supportive.  I won't forget that.

Sarah and i went out friday night to see a cover band of Fleetwood mac, the Eagles and Tom Petty.  It was a good night.  I invited Cindy to come and she actually did do something spontaneous and join us.  Eddie was there with his new girl and they invited us to sit with them  The bar was packed.  I felt very lucky to have this life and these friends and the ability to go out and be happy.

The day after the assault and arrest i went on facebook and scrolled my highschool reunion page.  I found Tom, a boy I had wanted to date, but couldn't because of my fucked up situation of living with my boyfriends family when my mother threw me out of the house at 16.  That was a mouthful. If i hadn't been in that situation i would have wanted to date Tom.  I reached out to him.  We chatted and then we met Saturday night for drinks and apps which turned into hours talking and then he kissed me at my car...........for a long time.......

I invited him to watch a movie with me yesterday and we talked for hours again......and this weekend i'm going to the berln fair with him, the town we went to school together in and graduated from.  And both his boys.  Next weekend i'm going to the class reunion with him as his date.  I didn't know anyone well enough to want to go on my own.  I was only there senior year.

And now we are trying to make up for the past 40 years of not being together. It feels so surreal that the timing is finally right.  Neither of us is with someone for the first time at the same time.  We can't stop talking about all the things we want to do, and what we were doing without each other...and how much and how little we have changed.

No games. No gaslighting.  Just......that feeling of finally.  The more we talk we laugh about each others memories of each other.  He remembers details that floor me.  

Maybe this is our chance.  We are going to see.  And with all the recent happenings i'm startled to find myself feeling peaceful, and happy and looking forward to what happens next.

eh, fuck him

 just now i remembered that Mr. Cigar had gone to the dentist for a procedure on Tuesday.  And he wanted me to pick up pizza......didn't listen to me, always knows best.  He said he'd chew on the other side of his mouth like i was an idiot.  Refused to take tylenol or listen to any kind of preventative pain care.....he knows best.

And he was worried his mouth would hurt in the morning.......

I hope it did.  I hope it started hurting when they were booking him at jail.  I hope it was throbbing when he had his office manager bail him out for the second time in as many months.  I hope he was PISSED and self righteous in front of her.......so she knows he's the same in his private life if not worse.

I hope she thinks "this job sucks" because her boss is a flaming asshole and thinks he OWNS his employees.

I hope he really DID dial my number by accident (bullshit) and that he nearly shit his pants wondering if i was going to report it.  I did.

I hope when he was waiting his turn in court he had his shitty attitude and got slammed.  OR that he acted like a little lamb because he knows now that he has a much better chance of doing time for putting his hands on WOMEN.

I hope his dick deflates and no amount of testosterone stiffens it......i hope he remembers me every time he "almost" does it.

I hope he feels all the the things he's made me feel over the past year.  I hope he worries and i hope the court system sees him for the cocky mother fucker he is.

I hope he sees THIS and understands that IF i think of him now its with pity and disdain.  I thought he was a man.  He's a damaged petulant ANGRY little boy inside of an aging body.  And he deserves every second of the misery he brought on himself by treating women who cared for him like garbage.

No Bill........Fuck YOU.  

Brief brief which will be long long

 i did it again.

I hope I've learned my lesson and can move forward with some insight and experience, and that the memories will fade but not completely disappear.

I've never called the police for myself, and found out that i'm pretty good at it.  I'll be sure to do it again in the future if need be.  At 58 years of age i have a protective order against Mr. Cigar.   It' a full no contact protective order so he cannot contact me in any way shape or form.

Let me begin by saying this past weekend was damn near perfect.  I began seeing my life with him in the future....keeping house, enjoying the dogs, being outside in the woods on walks, and actual sex because he's finally got it working. Woo. After more than a year we had actual intercourse.  Too much information?  Hell no, it shows that i have actual feelings for this man.  I've been around through all the ups and downs, and it wasn't about being dickmatized. That is important.  

He was relaxed, attentive (for him) and we actually felt like a couple.  I did, however, remind myself that we have had really good times together before with immediate chaos following.  Like he can't stand to be happy with me and must sabotage it. He must always keep me insecure.  He would say i'm in my head, and i will respond with yes, memories.  

Tuesday night i met him at his house for pizza, which i brought, because he was supplying the adult beverages.  I got there before him, and Koda and i took a potty walk.  He was a very happy boy.  Mr. Cigar arrived, we ate pizza off the back of the truck because we were starving.  As we were eating he began roughing up Koda, a lot more than i would.  I was uncomfortable, asked him if that was necessary, and he said i was making my dog gay.  (So here's where i should have ended the night)  

Koda began drooling heavily which he never does, and had only done at Bills house due to the excitement and nerves of being there.  Bill continued to harrass him, making him growl.  Again i told him to stop.  Again he ignored me.  I felt the storm clouds move in.

We ended up taking the dogs outside, and sitting in the chairs side by side underneath the biggest tree that views most of his beautiful 5 acre property.  It was exactly what i want.  Peace.  Until he decided to start bonking Koda on the head with the chuck it dog toy he was using to throw the ball. 

It's a long handled flexible plastic whip.....the top that holds the ball is hard.  Thats what he was hitting on Koda's head.  When i told him to stop he only laughed wildly and continued to to it more.  I put my hand over Kodas head and and he hit me too.......i can say it hurt like a bitch and it wasn't my head.  

I was angry.  I held koda and stood up from the chair and then he whipped the back of my legs.  To say i saw stars....i was shocked, i was angry, in pain, shaking....trying not to cry and trying to understand how a man could sit there looking like a mean little bully boy.....enjoying my upset and wanting more.

He is not right in the head.

I said i didn't understand how anyone had stayed with him for as long as they had, that he enjoyed scaring and torturing women, and that this was why he was alone.  He scares people.  He said his ex Melissa scared him.  I said she must have been a brute if she could handle him.  

His face turned black, and if i thought he looked mean before that i was wrong compared to this.  I began to walk away towards the back of the house with koda in my arms.  He told me to shut the fuck up, not to talk about his fucking exes and to get the fuck out.....I came as close to running as i can.

I realized my keys were in the house, so i went in the back door and both corsos came running out....agitated because i was holding koda and because they probably heard us yelling outside.  Able ran out the door and into the yard and knowing he needs a leash i yelled for him to COME, HOUSE...and shocker, he listened.  I saw Bill come around the corner of the house with rage on his face......i was scared.  This was unsafe and i was going to get hurt.  I knew it.

I closed the door behind me, ran into the kitchen as he was coming into the house........grabbed my keys and ran out the side door.  I realized i didn't have kodas leash and thought fuck that, i'm not going back. I hurried to my car, shaking, trying not to have a meltdown before i could get the fuck out of there.  While i was attaching koda to the seat (he doesn't do well in the car) Mr. Cigar came out of the garage yelling and angry, he threw the leash at my car.  I reached out and grabbed it then took off down the driveway before he decided to approach me.  

It's sounds like nothing while i'm writing this.  And it felt like i was running for my life.  Once i got into town i pulled over and tried to process what had just happened. I was shocked that the situation had escalated so quickly because i had told him NO. to stop.  

I had welts on the back of my thighs.  Then i got mad.  I texted him that he ruined himself, referring to what his ex said when she had him arrested in JULY - that she was going to ruin him.There was no physical marks on her to prove he had pushed her, and that saved him.

This is when clarity literally ripped across my brain.  This fucker thinks he has a right to put his hands on people, to hurt people.  He thinks he can get away with everything because he believes he is smarter than everyone else.  He has no empathy, only sees how he "should" act to impress people.......but has no soul.

So i called the police, who told me to come in and i did.  They even took koda outside to potty for me because i was there for a while.  They arrested him.  Told me that he was told not to contact me and that he had court the following morning.  I went home and blocked him and his business from my cell phone, and all social media.  I was in shock. Still, at the speed of which things had gone south.

I started to second guess myself.  Did i over react?

No.

He has escalated with me, and it would only continue to get worse.  The police officer told me.  So it's true.

I've seen the movies, saw the news, read the books........and never thought it would be me.  Thats because they aren't stupid enough to walk up and smack you......they warm you up to the abuse.  It starts slow and small, and then it escalates......and you feel crazy.  And they tell you you are crazy.  It's fucked up.  I wish i didn't understand.

Yesterday morning i was on a teams call for work and i saw that i had a missed call from him.  How??? i had blocked him, he wasn't supposed to contact me.........but there it was.  So i called the police, and had to go back down to the station and file another report.

Between his previous arrest, and now these two arrests........he has fucked his own life up.  All he had to do was be a decent man and keep his hands to himself.

And thats the short story.

who the fuck is Jim?

 Interesting conversation this weekend regarding contacts in our phone.

Do you keep all your contacts or do you delete them when you no longer associate with that person?

I have never cleaned out my contacts, meaning, everyone i've had as a contact since getting my cell phone back in.....the way back......not once.

Some may think thats "leaving a door open"......others, like me, thinks it's plain laziness.  

So as i was sitting by the pool with my girl Sarah this weekend, i asked her how she manages her contacts and she had the same respone i did.  We hadn't thought about "managing" it.  Contacts go in, and stay in for no real reason.

Then she mentioned that being single and on and off the dating sites, sometimes a man you had talked to previously, (and not remembered) will pop up again......if he's already in your phone contacts then you know.  

I liken this to keeping a book read list.......so i don't read half the book thinking "gee this is familiar" only to find out i have already read it. 

So we experimented.  She picked a name "Jim" and i looked up Jim in my contacts.  Six.  I know who all of them are except one, simply labeled "jim"......no nickname, no contact info aside from phone number.  

Who the fuck is Jim?

Couldn't tell you.  

How many contacts do i have that i couldn't tell you who they are?  Probably a LOT.  

When i began talking to Mr. Tattoo a couple of years ago, I realized i already had him  in my contacts when he gave me his phone number.  We had talked a few years before and i had blown him off.  It was a joke between us in the begining. So i had our texting history and i could see he wasn't an asshole, i was.  I was not ready for this man at that time, and i moved on.  Not taking him out of my contacts, but forgetting who he is......until we met again.

My reasoning to keep everyone is..........why not?  But now i'm asking myself, why?  If i'm simplifying my whole life, why wouldn't i simplify my contact list also?

Now i'm thinking i'd like to make this a project, a paper, just for the fun of it. And if my friends find it entertaining maybe send it to a magazine and see if i can publish.

This blog is very much a dumping ground for thoughts, not structured or even grammatically correct in many ways......however, what if i took all these blogs and did something.  What if i could write and publish?

Other people do it with less.

Let's see how this project moves forward.

Not for me to say

Lots going on in my head regarding a situation that is not my business to talk about.  Let's say this morning will determine next steps.

Some moments i'm finally comfortable with the fact that we are together and then, as is the norm with us, something will happen that makes me feel so totally out of control that i begin to question what the hell i'm doing.

I need to be able to control myself, my own life and maybe that's why i've been single for so long with nothing every turning into an actual relationship that lasts.  I only felt that want with Mr. Tattoo, where i could picture relaxing my guard, and trusting a man to do as he says, and be who he represents himself to be.  Not perfect, but honest.  Real.

Good bad and dark side.

I knew with other men immediately when it wasn't going to work no matter how much i tried to close my eyes to what i was seeing or hearing, or feeling.  I'm not good at pretending.  I was cutthroat, never dragging the process of letting them go on.  Short sweet, done.  No further contact.  

And maybe thats why this situation with Mr. Cigar has been so highly charged and emotionally taxing...i haven't had control of myself for as long as i've known him, with or without him.  He is engraved into my brain, and i hear his voice when i haven't spoken to him in weeks.  And i keep going back.

I'm where i want to be with him at this moment.  I will not be pushed faster than i can move.....and that is the only thing i am positive about.  Too much is at stake and my level of trust needs to be refueled and solidified before i make any big moves.

And he has business to finish with his ex.  She still lives in his headspace.  I'm glad he talks to me about what is happening, and how he is feeling, but at the same time i wonder why everything has to be so fuckin hard.

Also, will he ever look at me and not think about when we met and all this shit that isn't "ours" IS part of our lives together?  More so, will I?

One day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time.  My trust in his words and how his actions match, or don't.......that is where my interest currently resides. 

Such a nice night together last night, and then the rollercoaster ride of what he still has to contend with for knowing her.

lets be clear

 Last night i went to Mr. Cigars after I had dinner and spent some quality time with Koda.  I felt bad leaving him home alone after i had been at work all day, but it's not fair to make Mr. Cigar leave his dogs every night either.

So one thing i'm seeing is that our dogs have to get to know each other.  It's not going to work for long if they can't be together.  I'm not willing to leave Koda alone all the time and he isn't willing to leave his pups either. (as it should be)  Given that his dogs are Corso's and i forget what River is, but she isn't a year old yet.  I have less anxiety about her than i do the Cane and Able. They might be all puppied out because River is a LOT.  

Last night he referred to me as his girlfriend.  He also asked me what my "endgame" is with him.  So we talked about it. About a lot of things. Then we went upstairs (I want nothing to do with that couch in his living room) and watched TV until he started snoring.  I passed out for a few hours and then went home.

It felt comfortable. normal. good.

While we were talking this morning I told him i realized i had never had a "status" for as long as i have known him.  I've never been titled as anything. He asked me if i title is important to me and i said yes it is, but the feelings behind it are more important.  I said i didn't want to walk around calling myself single and i didn't want him to either.

So. We are not single.  We are a couple.

We are a new relationship.  We had the official talk of understanding what we want, and came out with the same version.  Hallelujah.  

However, i am wary.  I was able to go through the reasons why with him.  Our start was not good, and our relationship has been tumultous.  We need to communicate better than we do because "the stressful times" have not come to a final end yet.  It might resolve itself on Thursday when he goes to court.  Or it might not.

Either way, he has to come to the very real truth that you don't just "get over" someone in a few days or by replacing them with someone else.  

It has felt different this time.  I know in my heart that his story with her is not over.  This is part of his life, good bad and/or ugly.  He has a messy ex.  I have a choice to walk away or stay.

There is also the fact that my friends are not fond on him due to how he has treated me in the past.  They want the best for me. They don't like how he has hurt me. (hell neither do i) 

My kids know next to nothing about him.  They know very little about me at all lately.  That is going to have to change.  I'm done being respectful of their privacy.  I want to know what the hell is going on in their lives and why i'm not part of it anymore.

Back to Mr. Cigar.  I'm not blind, or stupid but i do know i keep going back to him.  There is a reason for it.  I'm timid to say i love him because it feels like so much more.  He feels like home to me.  Even when he's being a dick, i identify with his ........dark side.  I understand his chaos because i have my own.  I know his damages.  I don't care for how he protects himself, but i understand it.

I was very blunt with him about the biggest problem we have is how he handles his anger and my triggers.  They are in direct conflict.  He withdraws suddenly and completely and that triggers my abandonment issues.  As old as we are, i don't know how we are going to get past that.

He's going to get mad again, i'm going to get triggered again.......we have to figure out how we can avoid killing or leaving each other during those moments.

The road ahead, is one day at a time.  My friends are going to have to understand this is my choice and what i want.  Mr. Cigar is going to have to understand that they have seen me hurt by him, and they are protective because they love me.  Time will tell.  I am not going to keep him a secret. I will not be kept secret.

In all relationships I take a chance of being hurt. I have had walls up around me since D an I broke up 10 years ago.  I'm not the girl that begs for love anymore.  I'm the woman that runs when it looks like I might start caring too much about someone who isn't showing me they care about me.  Both extremes are not doing me any service.

I need to be able to accept love as it's given, and use my words to express my needs if they aren't being met.  Not with sarcasm, not with accusations or assumptions.  Just plain and simple.  And i need to be able to trust.

He is going to have to keep his end up and now that we both know where we are coming from without dancing around the bush, or another person, we can begin to figure out what tomorrow looks like.