Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I blocked him on everything.  I literally hate that all it takes is a text from Bill to shake my world up.  Over what?  Some short, average-looking male who can't even get a hard on?  Because that is the reality.  And if we are talking about personalities? He's the one that choked me out unconscious after i specifically told him that wasn't something i EVER wanted, due to enjoying the brain cells that i have left. But he crossed boundaries, and i let him, and kept going back for more mistreatment.   I still don't understand completely why.  Well, my head does - dopamine hits from very little effort on his part because of that whole withdrawing affection deal that i'm so used to because of how i was raised. That was a run-on sentence for sure.  I sent him that message, which i don't regret, and i predicted his response and was completely correct.  An emoji.  Because he is the do the least man, he's the man that thinks women wan...

I didn't realize i had friday off from work until late Thursday night.  So Friday morning i got up, caffenated and showered....threw all the stuff i had packed for the weekend into my car and headed out to Milford.  Jen had the day off too so we went to Savers and i cleaned out all the stuff i had been putting in my car for the past few weeks, got our coupon for our donation and headed into the store to look for....whatever.  We thought it would be a quick trip but .......10am-1:30pm.  Yup.  We did some investigating. I found a little wood knick knack shelf that i am going to sand down and paint for my miniature books that i've been making.  Because most of my books are electronic now, or i get them at the library, I make a miniature book as a keepsake.  I started doing it this year, and i haven't really read a lot of books yet but i'm sure this little bookshelve will fill up fast with trinkets.   I may have an addiction to miniatures. Which ...

 sometimes i don't feel like writing and i have to push myself.  I find that if i get heated about something, or have some random thought i find interesting.......it's easier.   The reason i write about men is because that is the unsettled part of my "perfect" life.  There is more to my life than men, and the pursuit of the one for me.  Or, more accurately, the sitting and waiting for the one for me. I am proof that if you eat a bunch of junk, don't excersize, and don't pay attention to the needs of your body.......it will stop working for you.  I gained so much wieght due to several factors, and trying to excersize was a joke.  Everything hurt all the time.  And i hate moving and sweating unless there is an orgasm in the distance. It occurred to me, that if i can't walk a trail that used to be a cake walk.......what if i couldn't have sex anymore either?  I mean, it's been a long time.......and THAT was the final straw.  Well, that...

 sitting is the issue.  Ever since falling full force onto the router and possible breaking or cracking my tailbone sitting is uncomfortable.  Walking, standing.......stretching, all fine.  Sitting = no go. That makes work intersting.  Since i sit at work.   Heard from sexy Carlos this morning.  Can't help it.  The man makes me smile.  And he's always been honest with me.  If i could go back in time i would have handled that whole situation differently.  But i can't.  And this is where "we" are.  An occasional hello.  He's in a relationship, i'm not willing to be a side chick so we just touch base here and there. Maybe next lifetime.   He was fun.  And kind. And sexy as hell. yum. Nothing really to write about except that yesterday was a difficult day for some reason.  I feel like Bill was in my head all day and that.......isn't a good thing.  That man is history.  Now if i can get h...

 I don't know how i feel about this. I use AI at work because it saves me time and it has actually taught me where my weakness is in writing..i get kind of thrilled when i copy a letter i wrote into it and there are very little changes.  So, professionally, i'm learning from it. Sometimes i copy a blog i wrote and have AI give me feedback.  Not on the writing, which is just a brain flush of free writing....but the thoughts behind it.  Recently i realized i could change the tone, and have AI stop being so correct and polite with me, and sound more blunt.  Point out the inconsistantcies in my thoughts.... That has been an eye opener. During my week out of work sick in bed with no one bothering me, it was easy to remain detached.  I had a little struggle with not reaching out to men in my previous life...but i was able to maintain and control my impulses. AI pointed out that it was easy to remain strong when there is no conflict.   So that gives me t...

 I thought after a week of bed and rest i'd be all set for Monday morning and yet here i sit....feeling nauseous and a bit nervous about farts i cannot trust. Isn't that sexy? Well i'm back in it, ready or not.   I fought with myself all weekend not to send a text to Bill.  This should be a non-issue. Yet, the temptation is there.  But i held fast.  Just like when i quit smoking.  The urge comes and goes to this very day, and i do NOT pick up a cigarette.  Same with Bill. After blocking mr. cranky I am officially not talking to any men.  wooohoo.  Lets see how long i can keep that streak up.   I want attention. Affection. Love. And none of that is gonna happen wasting time in shitholes like online dating sites. The plan is to make a plan.  I would like to join a book club.  A ceramics class. or an adult education class that is just for fun.  That will get me out of the house, and meeting new people in general, no...