Walking Barefoot in Snow

 My grandson is in the process of being born.  My son and DIL checked in to the hospital at 7:30pm last night to get this party started.  Apparently, my grandson needs a little nudge to join  us. I kept waking up all night, checking my phone.  I made them promise to call when he made his arrival no matter the time.  I know they don't want me to go to the hospital right away, i remember when it was me and i threatened my husbands manhood if he told his mother because she never had any respect for our wishes and would come barging in anyways.   You rush to the hospital when someone is dying, not getting born.  He has just entered this world and he needs time with his parents, not every tom dick and harry.   Also, i have a cold.  A small one.  But enough that I would be afraid to make anyone sick at this delicate time.   If they call me to come, i will go immediately but i will not be able to hold him.  Maybe a...

 If i can't be honest here, where else can i be? Mr. Cigar came over yesterday and we were intimate. If thats what you want to call it.  I have no fantasies about us being in love and living happily ever after.  Basically, i wanted sex, so did he.  So we came to a mutual agreement. I'm so over dating.  I can't stand meeting new men.  I am not going into it with a good attitude so i'm just not doing it anymore.  I don't care for the constant texts, the phone calls, the making plans.......the disapointment of meeting yet another liar/jerk/cheater/misfit.  I'm all set with that. Looking at my life i'm happy.  Work is turning out to be everything i was scared to hope it would be, i'm lucky to have good friends that i get to travel and have experiences with, my family is expanding and i feel getting closer.  Yes, there are things i wish were better, but not where men are concerned. I'm not going to meet a man that i can trust and depend on by...

 Koda did very well on the plane ride to Florida and back to Hartford.  Better than his mama.  I came so close to a meltdown each way that i think next time i will self medicate. Airports stress me out.  Racing from one place to another dragging luggage stresses me out.  Trying to manage my carry on, a puppy and my personal item at lightening speed on the airplane.......stresses me out. Basically, Air travel stressed me out.  Probably because i'm already ramped up about putting my life in the hands of a faceless stranger.  And turbulance.  Lets say i'm not one to applaud the pilot for landing us safely........that seems like the bare minimum. I do NOT recommend going on vacation with a 12 week old puppy.  He doesn't have control over his bladder yet, and he thinks everything is a chew toy, including people.  He doesn't understand that darkness means go to sleep and that 3am is not an acceptable time to rise and shine for the day. It was ...

 Me being in daily contact with Mary is probably weird.  I've asked myself multiple times, "why"?  At first the only thing we had in common was Mr. Cigar, and you know what they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"  Is that what this is?  I don't want him.  She doesn't want him - won't go into what i know, but i know she is not available to him even though she lives there still.  Not my business to share, but the situation isn't good for either one but he asked for it.   She reaches out more than i do, but i engage with her daily, as i said.  We vent, we talk about future plans, things we want to do, and pretty much support each other.  She is more prim and reserved until she gets mad.  She's a tiny little thing and she is just as confused about her attraction to Mr. Cigar as i am.  I call him the devil.  He turns on the charm and you don't see all the bullshit he's feeding you. I do feel like it's be...

 Mr. Cigar brought my key back to me last night.  I let him in as far as the dining area and we sat at the table while he played with Koda. We talked a little bit, but mostly he made comments about my appearance (unshowered, no makeup and pj's from the previous day) which i shrugged about.  None of his business, i'm not here trying to impress him.   He made a few comments about me being in my head as usual and i again, shrugged.  I told him he thinks he knows me, but he never bothered to get to know me, to ask me questions, find out what i care about.  He insisted he does know me.  I didn't argue, or tell him why he doesn't.   I told him every conversation with him is circular, it goes nowhere.  He's always right and He can't step back to see someone elses perspective.  If it's different than his, it's wrong, or stupid.  He tried to give me his charm, and make me laugh, which i rolled my eyes at. I don't have to participat...

 Every morning i wake up and feel the growth of brand new hairs on my chin. This is part of the aging process.  Why, after all these years, would i need hair on my chin?  What part of evolution is this?  The hormones? Is this where my bigger balls are coming from? The testosterone coursing through my aging body wasting time on growing hair.  ON MY CHIN. Because aging isn't fun enough. Add to that little surprise bursts of pure anger when a thought crosses my mind concerning Mr. Cigar over the past year.  Not at him. At myself.  He IS all the things i think he is, and he DID do the despicable disrespectful things that he did..........but it was ME that continued to allow his con artist ass back in. Repeatedly. And that gets my panties in a bunch because i thought i was in a better place.   Maybe its better because i kept running from him, but i also returned.  Maybe it's better because i dealt in reality and tried to talk myself into "no ...