Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I go for long periods where the idea of sex, because it's attached to man, is a big no go.  If i knew him already, and knew what i was getting involved with.......that would be different.  But a new man at this point in my life feels like a big risk, and a big time sucker.   I've said before, we are single at this point in life, for a reason.  I'm not easy.  I want attention, reassurance, AND to be left alone, a lot.  It's kind of a puzzle to figure out which one when.  That makes me difficult.  I like my alone time.  I like my quiet time.  I also like to go out with my girlfriends and some men apparently are threatened by that.  They don't like me going out with the girls. I'll just say here, that i'm the one who growls at men who approach uninvited, and my girlfriends are all married.  Except me.  So if anyone is going to be a bad influence, it's me and i dont need to have witnesses.....i do better on my own. ...

 All my energy is focused outward, on whatever male is prominent at the moment.  Or was.  I feel like something has shifted after Marine man.   I was so willing to once again ignore the red flags (love bombing, too much too fast) because i don't want to do the work.  The patient part.  The part where I sit back and learn a man, and if he fits into my life and what i want. It's fun to jump in.  But thats what teenagers do.  They have nothing to lose, like a job, income, housing, sanity...........jumping in blind is not a risk, it's a no win. So i noticed that i did it.  looked for the fun, and not the work of what it really takes to get to know someone.  I don't let friends in that fast.  Because i know the value of friends. Maybe i don't know the true value of a man.  Or maybe, it shouldn't matter till it matters. Anyways, that shift.   I've been called a cold fish, standoffish, hard, and sometimes mean by men th...

 I did not sleep well last night.  I tossed and turned, watched TV, tried to read, had a snack, and smoked a little smoke.......nothing was working.  I woke up around midnight like it was time to go to work....looked at my phone and there was a spicy message. THAT is how i want to wake up.   And go to sleep. Oh, you naughty man.  Setting fires where you cannot put them out.   I've been considering a FWB since the dating thing is a dead end.  Could i?  Without getting emotionally attached?  I think so. I think back to how devastated i was when D and i broke up - it took me 10 years to finally not feel any way about it.  Now, i don't even know how i was with him in the first place.  If he approached me now, as he is, in his situation, i would not even talk to him.  We have literally nothing in common any more. Except maybe motorcycles.  He drive, me ride.  I'd do that.  And i love him in a way we love som...

My bestie is really hard to buy for.  She is very particular, and she likes expensive things that i cannot afford. That said, we do not exchange gifts for our birthdays or holidays.  She would go crazy and get me expensive lovely gifts and i can't keep up with that.  I know she meant well.  So we decided no more gifts and she HATES it. Jen likes to thrift shop and pretty much only buys second hand items, like me.  For her birthday last year she demanded i make her a bullet journal like mine.  She loved it, and she wanted one.  So i made her a planner and put a lot of quotes and pictures in it.  She carries it with her everywhere.  She loves it. Bestie, did NOT like the idea that i made Jen a gift.  Did she say it?  No.  But i did feel her waves of "what the fuck" .......so this year, i'm making her gift.   I wrote her a poem, and i am transferring it onto a watercolor painting i did of her birthday month flowers....

  An Ode to Bill (Bless His Heart) Bill was a man of mystery— or so he liked to say, but mostly he was inconsistent in a very predictable way. He talked a game of depth and truth, of feelings bold and rare, then vanished like a Wi-Fi signal when things got slightly there . He’d circle back with casual charm, as if no time had passed— like, “Hey, what’s up?”—sir, what’s up is you fumbled. Hard. And fast. I used to try to understand, to decode his every move, but clarity arrived one day: he simply couldn’t… groove . Not to rhythm, not to growth, not to anything real— just vibing in confusion like that was some big deal. Meanwhile, I got lighter, cut my hair, reclaimed my space— turns out peace looks really good when it’s sitting on my face. So here’s to Bill, a lesson learned, a chapter closed just right— thank you for the clarity… you are not my type.

 I needed an upgrade, a change.........something to signify this new place in life.  The happy place.  The place that I stand in complete purpose instead of being tossed around by emotions. I cut off all my hair.  I didn't. Jessica did.  And i don't think many people really like it in comparison to all my long silver hair........but ........it's me.  It's how i feel.  I feel free.   My shower is cut down by 20 minutes of standing there trying to rinse out all that hair.  For what reason did i continue to have all that hair?  Because men like it.   But did I? No, not really.   So........buh bye. This weekend i was with Jen and her family for her mothers funeral.  It was emotional for her, she really took care of her mother, who mostly wasn't very kind to her until the very end.  It's not my story to tell.  Jen is a better woman than I.  My mother will not have me taking care of her at the end o...