Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Last night i was sewing a cloth and bag for my cards and STRENGTH kept popping out of the deck. I hear you.  I got it.  I understand. The strange part is i can look at his picture and still feel love. I feel love for the feelings he evoked in me when he chose to.  And I also feel emotionally regulated now that I know it's done.  No more up and down, or having bombs thrown into my lap.  No more having to make difficult CONTRIVED choices.   I can breathe. I got a lot of work done yesterday and today I believe i will complete my project, on time.  I'm savouring it, not knowing if i'll ever be doing this particular program again.  I don't know what is coming down the pike at work, but i DO know I will roll with it for as long as it serves me. I've decided to stay where i am given that choice.  There is no need to pursue MORE work at this point in my life.  I'm on the downside.....not crawling to the top.  Effort should be put...

 As willing as i was, am, to investigate alternative lifestyles, i'm not willing to throw myself to the wolves. Through all my mistakes, i've grown and learned how to protect myself, how to take care of myself like the mother i never had. I still consider the feelings of others but no longer above my own needs. This experiment taught me that trusting myself is a good idea, that i will take care of me.  I requested counsel from 2 others that know me very well and they did not try to talk me out of anything yet they identified the pitfalls of what i was thinking about entering into: Could i bring Mr. Cigar around my family?  My co-workers? My friends?   Could i do the things i want to do after retirement with him? Could i have my grandchildren visit me if i lived with him? Could i make his home my home? Could i depend on him? Could i trust him? The question that stuck out to me the most was regarding my grandchildren.  The answer was no.  I wouldn't be a...

 My friend K came over last night to catch up.  I invited her because i wanted to pick her brain about poly relationships.  Talk to someone who lives it and get the real scoop. First we reviewed her breakup with her first, and only "primary" (i hate that term and everything it means) which we all knew had been coming for years.  It took her some time to see what we all were seeing, and it took her more time to end it after she accepted that he wasn't telling her the truth about a lot. And that sticks in my mind. This whole situation i'm in is because he was lying to both of us.  And i really feel it would be naive to think there were no other, ARE no other "friends" that also believe they are seeing him. He could be psychotic, and getting off on twirling up two women who love him.  Or he could be genuinely confused and trying to have it all.,....like anyone would want to.  Not all actually act on it. I think the important thing here is, again, not what...

 Yesterday i went out to my car for a half hour deep sleep nap at lunch.  I couldn't keep my eyes open, Sleep was horrible the night before.  My ELBOWS hurt, all my joints hurt.  so strange. After work i had every intention of eating and going to bed, but Mr. Cigar wanted to go out.  I went to his house for the first time since I left for my cruise in January.  I expected to see a lot of women things, but it was exactly the same.  When i asked him, he told me that she has nothing.  We took his ride and went out to "At the Corner" in Litchfield.  We had such a good time and on the way back we were listening to good music and chair dancing.   It never occurred to me to ask him if she knew we were going out. She had texted that she had gotten out of class early and was on her way home.  When we got there he kept trying to call her to come out so we could all go for a ride.  When she wouldn't answer i started getting a bad fee...

 I sometimes wish i could fast forward to the end of this story and see how it ends. Is it a drama, comedy, suspanse, ....true crime?  What genre does my current life fit into?   Rocky (my nickname for her) came over to my place yesterday.  She arrived at 1pm and left at 5:30pm.  Mr. Cigar left us alone until about 5 when he texted her to tell her he was feeding the dogs and to take her time. We talked.  and talked.  We got really mad at him and we laughed our asses off.  We told "our" side of his stories. We didn't trash him, but we did acknowledge he is not always a nice man.  Lots of reasons why, none of them valid in how he has treated both of us in the past.  I have no tolerance for things he has done to her, and she doesn't understandd why some things just don't bother me like they should. Nothing was answered by the time she left.  But at least we have hugged, laid eyes on each other and appear to have a lot in common as...

 This weekend has been a turning point i didn't see coming. Thats a lie.  Maybe i did know it wasn't going to continue on as it has been. Mr. Cigar made the leap.  Told her about me, that he doesn't want to give either one of us up, and wants to see it we can make it all together. I'm sure sex has it's role in there, knowing him.  I'm sure rental income also has it's place.   I don't know if it would be financially beneficial to me.   This thought pattern will be worked out.  I will be making no big moves until a year of success has been firmly placed under our belts. If we do this. He came over yesterday- it was pouring rain so no walk was going to happen.   I told him i felt ambushed. He reminded me that we've had these conversations over and over about non traditional relationships.  He did what he does, and bulldozed ahead because the opportunity arose.  I felt very unprepared for how and when he told me that conversat...