Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Not to sound overly confident but getting dates isn't difficult for me, or any woman really (as Mr. Cigar liked to tell me)  I do, however, get asked out by handsome guys so.....i'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel.  He sure is. Last night was hard.  I talked to a nice man i met on Facebook, we have friends in common and he's a musician. We chatted and then he called me.  Great convo.  seems nice.  We are meeting in Middletown tomorrow night.   Saturday im going for that ride which i desperately need.  The guy isn't someone i want to date and he knows it.  I was very blunt about it.  But if he's offering me the kind of therapy i need.......i am going.  That will help clear my head. I'm getting angry now.  About the time wasted, the push and pull, the games that were played.  Those two chaotic people have an illness and they'd be doing the world a favor if they just stayed together and left everyone else out...

 Any time i have a free moment i miss him.  I'm realizing how i only obsess over men who don't return my affection, or who seem to be able to forget about me and move on like i never mattered. But thats not all of it.   It's okay though.  I just need to sit in discomfort for a few moments several thousand times a day, during the evening its the worst.  When i wish he would say goodnight.....because then i would know he was thinking about me too. But even if he is, it doesn't matter.  The way all of this happened, no matter the reason or who was wrong or right.......it's not going to work.  Not now.  Maybe not ever. When we keep reaching out to each other it's because neither one of us can stand the discomfort of going without the others attention.  But if we truly loved each other we wouldn't be playing these dumb games.  It's just both of us looking for attention. I do miss that attention, but not the chaos that comes with it....

Yesterday i had an epiphany. I have a compulsive desire to prove that reality is real. I collect evidence, confront lies and want acknowledgement for what is plainly true.  I gather receipts, become the investigator, the truth teller, the referee, the therapist, the witness. People invested in chaos don't want truth.  They want an audience. "They" (in this case, Mr. Cigar and his psycho)  involved me because i participated. I believe if everyone just knew the facts everyone would start behaving rationally. They won't.   After sitting and thinking about this i found it to be true of my entire life.  I do feel like i have to prove reality is real.  I do need to make sense of it even if it is plainly true.  People i trust have questioned that trust because i dig.  I don't take face value, i ask for back up information.  I need all the details. It drives men crazy but women seem to enjoy telling me the nitty gritty. To learn something about...

 When I avoid writing about something, or confiding in my close girlfriends about something and KNOW I can't tell my family about something......THATS when it finally kicks in that i should probably not be participating in whatever it is that i'm doing. Like Mr. Cigar.  I think we came together so that he could teach me a life lesson about myself.  When i think i'm healed, i'm not.  When i think my "mother wound" has healed, it hasn't.  It's never going to go away.  I thought the more healing and living i did the less likely it would be to affect me, this wound.  But if anything, trying to act like it's gone makes it get bigger. The need to be picked by a man who doesn't deserve me.  Because SURELY he would chose me over a psycho, lying, cheating, no job holding, not to smart woman.  Right?   Wrong. I guess it was because i thought he had his shit together, because he is a successful business man, has hobbies he can actually talk ab...

 I don't have all the details yet except that he has "our" dimples and is 20" long!   Koda woke me up at 2am and i checked my phone to find pictures of the new addition to our family. I'm beyond excited to meet him. Not sure when that will be because i'm being respectful ....not sure how they feel about visitors at the hospital and i would like to spend time with them, not run in and run out, which in fairness is what i would have to do because her family is large. I'm thinking my daughter and grandaugher might come this weekend and maybe we can all go together or something like that. Anything.  Anything they want.  They were in the hospital Monday night and he was born before midnight last night....thats a long time and i'm sure they are ready for some "no people" time. Or maybe i'm wrong. I don't care.....as long as i get to meet him.  And give kisses.  And count toes.   I'm beyond excited. I can't stand myself.

 No baby yet.  I have the utmost sympathy for my DIL.  This has been a long haul.  Both appear to be in good spirits and were able to get some rest last night due to the epidural.  Smart lady.  Sometimes i think if i had to do it again i might have gone with the epidural. I'm glad they aren't "rushing" my grandson.  Everyone is good, healthy and there are no concerns.  I had fear that they would rush her into a c-section without need.  They have a LOT of steps to go up and down at their home, and that would have been a lot to deal with. All i can do is wait. This morning i asked her (in the family chat) how much she is dilated? and my daughter piped in with MOM!  So i immediately felt chastised.  I apologized and she said she was only kidding.  And then Jess told me the details. Weirdly, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around Lindsay.   It's her reluctance to spend time with me, or even talk to me.  Somethin...