Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Saturday night Jen and Doug came over and early the next morning (sunday) we drove out to Caanan to pick up my entertainment center.  It turned out to be HUGE and solid wood, which is great, but also very heavy.  When we got it back to my place my neighbor, Kurt, had the unfortunate timing of leaving his apartment and seeing we were struggling.  He and Doug got it all into my apartment. That was nice and neighborly.  I don't really talk to him but we smile and wave in passing. while i was putting my stuff together to go spend the day with Marine man i put aside one of my baby spider plants to bring to Marine man.  He has huge windows in his place and two very large plants.  I wanted him to have one of my babies.....Bwaaaahahahahaha.  Baby plants!  I decided giving one to my neighbor to say thank you seemed appropriate as well since he randomly busted his gut to get my furniture in when he didn't have to. Always say thank you, and give a toke...

We went on our first date Valentines day.  There were a lot of firsts. I went home with the hand knit blankets he got me from the ladies guild that visits the Vets.  He is a retired Marine.  He is...........all man.  No doubts. He gave me one of his Marines sweatshirts, and other assorted goodies from our day together.  We fell into it like we've known each other forever.  It was very easy.  And nice.  And felt like home.  Thats the feeling. I have nothing to offer him, he's all set. All i have is me, and he seems to think i'm worth keeping.  We need to keep getting to know each other, obviously.  Neither of us is moving from our current living situations and we dont live that far apart, just enough to make it be an effort. I feel seen, and i like what i'm seeing.  Tall, handsome, strong male features, built and bald with tattoos.  Takes care of how he looks, and how he lives.  HOT.  yes, that too.

 There's nothing.  Not a thing i can point to and say "there, thats the red flag". Is THAT a red flag? They say you have 3 loves in a lifetime.  First is idealistic, then hard love, and finally grounded love. Since the breakup with Darryl over 10 years ago, i've dated a LOT.  I've become infatuated with a couple of men, and only really felt anything similar to love with Carlos (later identified as limerence) and Bill (reinforcing that i must love myself first) Yet, how can it be called love when the object of your affection does not return the feeling?  Maybe i needed more lessons on hard love?   Regardless.   I've been talking to Marine man for ONE WEEK and i feel like we know more about each other in that short time than i have learned about during my entire relationship with others. And maybe its because we don't talk about past relationships or dating experiences.  We talk about now, about our likes/dislikes, passions, fears, goals.....

 I need to slow my roll. I haven't been talking to Marine man for a whole week yet and i look for his messages for that dopamine rush.  I like the way he talks to me. He sometimes slips and calls me M'am.  I mean, i've been called worse.  Last night he was wrapped up in the news, watching an elite hostage rescue team in Tuscan regarding the Nancy Guthrie situation.  There was no distracting him, however, i did get my own personal updates from him.  Get the bad guys.   He's not just a retired Marine, he's a GRUNT.  I'm not entirely sure what that is, but put simply, he's a badass.  A genuine, trained Badass.   And he likes me. HOWEVER, we have not set a date to meet yet.  He says "soon", and I flat out asked him if he was involved with someone and he reassured me he is not, and has not been for a long time.  Calmly and directly, without any attitude.  You know, like a grown up responds to possibly rude questions....

 Last night i spent 2 and 1/2 hours on the phone with Marine Man.  There was some flirting, but nothing i wouldn't say in front of other people.  We can't shut up.  He asks great questions, and remembers my answers.  Sometimes i have to repeat my questions......in that regard, he is a total guy.   Nothing escapes me.  If you don't answer me, i give it another shot.  If you still don't answer me I file it away under "something he doesn't want to discuss" for future reference. One thing i like is that he doesn't talk about women he has dated and he doesn't want to hear about anyone i've dated.  I like that.  We are dealing with who we are with each other. He told me he respected me because our first conversations didn't have me asking interview questions like "where do you work" and "how many siblings do you have" etc.  You know, the boring questions that mean nothing until you know if you even LIKE the guy.  Who cares abo...

 i fell for two avoidant personality types.  The kind that like you fine until you actually want to be with them.  The more you want them, the more they pull away and run. I've worked through "why" in therapy, and i'm pretty sure now that i'm aware of it, i can hopefully avoid it.   I need more than bare minimum.  I need to not give more than one reasonable chance.  I get mad at myself, get "dramatic" about it because i'm ashamed to have fallen for someone who gave me all the evidence that he was not the one. First with Carlos. Who seemed very interested until I was returning the interest.  Then he "got stressed".  I'm not sure if he really is an avoidant though, because he's been with someone for a while and doesn't seem to have a problem staying with her. Maybe it was just me.  He didn't want to be with me but the sex was good.  I just didn't fill any other criteria he had in his head.  He was honest, but it doesn'...