binge

 Last night i stayed up binge watching Landman season one.  I have a crush on Billy Bob Thornton.  If h is in it, it will be good.  

I was in a funny place last night.  Tom is struggling with his situation after our weekend away with the boys.  She is aware? Not aware?  I have no idea how he handled it aside from telling me that she knows about us and has nowhere to go.  She has no friends, her family has given up on her and her health is bad.

Of course he wants her out but there's no way that is going to happen and i'm not sure it should happen.  Even if she hasn't been a good parent or spouse, she is still the boys mother.  They shouldn't have to look back and remember when his father put her on the street.  And no matter how many people say he should remove her (it's his house and they aren't married) those same people, the ones who won't take her in themselves, they will have opinions when it happens.

From my perspective, he's been there with her all this time, whats the rush to get her out now?  Me?  Because i'm not carrying that load on my shoulders.  Thats his life with his boys and her.  I think it should be easier now that she knows, especially since she doesn't care (exactly as he said it would be) and is more concerned about who is getting her cigarettes and groceries.

It's a fucked up situation.  He's told me time and again it's always been just him and the boys.  There's too much to explain that isn't my story to tell.  Lets say, i haven't had a moments guilt about seeing him and the boys knowing there is a woman back at the house.

Until Sunday night.  I thought from what i heard his son say, that Tom was telling her some BS story and asking them to lie for him.

Let me tell you.  That changed my tune.  Fast.  I went into shut down.  Don't touch me, i'm ignoring you exist mode. I fed the boys dinner and Tom tried to talk to me and i told him i didn't want to talk around the boys.  Just leave it.  He knew i was different.  

All i knew is that if he is lying to her about where he was and what he was doing with who.....he can lie to me too.  And if he is telling his boys to lie for him, thats just shitty.  When the boys were saying their mom kept calling and they didn't want to answer i possibly overstepped but unapologetically told them to answer their mothers calls. They said she would ask about dad because he doesn't answer her calls.....i told them to let their father handle what he was going to say to their mom.  That it was between them, and that they (the boys) didn't need to be playing messenger between them.  They both seemed relieved, although i could be wrong.  But i was PISSED at Tom.  for several reasons.

Long story short, his oldest was trying to make up an excuse for his mother to protect his father and he is the one who developed the alterior story that i overheard him talking about.  His father wasn't happy about it either.  I told him they felt like they had to protect him and this situation isn't their issue and they shouldn't be put in the middle

All of which he knew already.  We were able to sus it out, and come full circle, but not without me being left with the feeling that i am in the middle of some very unfinished business.  

It's difficult to explain because it requires details that aren't pleasant that i'm not going to share here.  But he did tell me his life is complicated and unhappy and that he had a plan on how to extricate himself and his boys after his oldest graducates this year.  Then i came back into his life after 40 years and he isn't willing to let me go, again, he says.  

Now, he can be quite the silver tongue devil or he can be telling me the truth.  Only time will tell.  I know his boy are worried that the plan has changed, or might be put off a bit because I'm not just going to leave my life here behind withoud knowing exactly what i'm getting involved in and that will take TIME and a PLAN and SECURITY.........I will never leave my ass hanging in the wind for man again.

It means a lot of change for me before i planned on making a big change  I have a lot to consider.  And i'll take as much time as i need to do it with certainty. 

SO- lets complicate things further while our skin is thin with  the situation at hand.  Doug and Jen asked me to stay at their house and watch Rosie the dog while the family is away.  During Thanksgiving.  I agreed. of course.  The holidays alway bring up an emptiness in me and it will be good to feel needed while they are away.  Plus for me it's "away" at my second home where i'm very comfortable.

Fine.  No problem.  Except i had the idea to invite Tom and the boys to come for thanksgiving (i'm not cooking) and football with me in Milford.  He was stressed by the invite and said he didn' want me to be disapointed, or alone, but it was far, and he didn't want to make any promises.

Which automatically put me on pause again.  Is this how holidays are going to be then?  

I did tell him i get very wierd around the holidays and i'm extra sensitive and probably unbearable to be around

So thats where we are at.  

things i'm thinking about today

 I wish i had a cigarette.  I have a mad urge to smoke.

Sometimes i have dreams that i started smoking again, and i feel this horrible guilt and shame.  But then i reach for another cigarette.  When i wake up i realize i'm NOT really smoking, but that feeling, along with huge relief, is still there.

Sometimes, when i am home or at someone elses house, i wave my hands under the bathroom sink and get annoyed that i have to actually physically turn it on..

And sometimes i walk away from my own toilet and when i return i'm grossed out that i forgot to flush.....because i'm used to it flushing by itself.  Someday, someone is going to come over to my house and go to use the bathroom and i will be humiliated.

I get satisfaction from having every thing in my apartment be clean and orderly.......but when i rearrange things i can't find anything again.

When i put something somewhere safe, it's gone forever.  I'll never find it again.

I can't sit still and do just one thing unless it's typing here, or sitting to read a book.  I haven't finished a book in a few weeks and i was on a roll there for a while.

I can't keep my mind quiet but i have no problem sleeping.  Unless Koda decides i'm not sleeping.

I sleep a lot more than i think i should.

Sometimes i'm interested in everything and i'm excited to start new projects but other times the idea of doing anything besides sitting in front of the tv and binge watching is just too much effort.

Sometimes picking something to binge watch is just too much.

I spent the weekend with 3 males.  At one point, 4 males and one very close girlfriend.  There was a moment when i just want to sneak to the truck with her and leave......not because anyone pissed me off, not because i wasn't having fun.  Just because i know her, she is safe and i know she will not break my heart.  She and I will always take care of each other, regardless of testosterone.  The only males that come before us are our grandsons.  I said it.  Our sons have their numero uno females and we ain't it anymore.  Our grandsons will never turn us in for other women.

Ha.

I'm falling for the boys as much as Tom.  I'm feeling mother henish, and protective.....and this is real stuff here.  This isn't just a man. This is two young men that haven't had an active mother in their life, ever.  They let little things slip, and i don't say a word.  I just listen.  And then i feed them.  Or make them laugh.  I am silly to the point of embarrassment and it feels good to laugh with them.  

It also makes me miss my kids teen years.  It makes me so sad that i was so absent with them.  That i didn't bother to get any kind of couseling, or medication, until they had flown the coop.  I was as bad as my own mother in the exact opposite way.  Where she cut me down at every opportunity, were she expressed how much i disapointed and embarrassed her........I built them up to think they didn't need anyone, that they could handle anything, that they would make the right choices for themselves.  And they did.  But i should have been more of a presence in their lives than i was

How can i become attached to two teen boys that don't belong to me.  This is something that needs to be tread lightly on.  They've already had a shitty mother experience that i am not going to share because it's not mine TO share.  

I'm just tending to my life, and watching what happens.  I'm already at the point that if those 3 guys leave my life there will be a hole in their place.  

I don't know that i want to risk it.  Frankly. 

i have to document so..........

 Bills case was continued again without a plea. 

I don't want to go into the fact that i'm learning more about criminal court than i ever wanted to know..........but here is the bottom line for me:

Her case with him is kept separate from my case, even if he has the same attorney handling both, even if they are both scheduled for the same dates, even if her case has him going to family relations officer and mine is just awaiting plea.

blah blah too much information for me to digest honestly.

Her case is separate from mine.  She can drop changes, her case can be dismisssed, it does not mean mine will be.

Good.

Because i'm quite sure they are back together and if they aren't they will be eventually.  I'm sure i'm the big bad wolf in their story......the one i got dragged into.

I actually hope they do reconcile and live in toxic happily ever dramatic after so that neirther one can bother anyone else with their bullshit ever again.

But that didn't stop them before, right?

I just sympathise with any man or woman who has the poor luck of getting involved with either one of them.

The victim advocate asked me if i wanted him to be criminally charged.  Yep.  I do.  Even if he is nothing will happen to him.  Aside from him having a record that he earned.  I know he won't serve time, this is Connecticut.  People do so much worse and walk away with no time to go back out and do it again......with no time served.

Do i think he deserves jail?  I don't know.  I don't care.  I don't have any personal vested interest in him serving time.  What i want is for him to never contact me again.  

I can get a "standing protective order" but even that is not permanent.  No, i can't apply to renew every time it expires.  Apparently, i will never get this man out of my life unless he does something drastic.  I can't get off this roller coaster.  I can't just forget him because he will always be there, lurking and waiting.

I've tried so many times.  This is how our system is set up.  No permanent protective orders........why?  It costs noone anything unless he violates, which he will.  I know he will.

My not responding or answering him feeds his desire to get me to respond.  He isn't well.  And if i do respond thats even worse.

I'm projecting.  Because i have over a year of drama into this never ending situation.

I dont' want it intruding on my happiness.  This is another reason i want to move in with Tom.........eventually.  

It's amazing really, how fast the ex goes away when you are living with another man.  

My ex husband hasn't been heard from since i moved in with my bf at the time......tada!  

i'm upset, my stomache is upset and i'm angry i have to deal with protecting myself possibly in court.  Because now that i know i can't get a permanent protective order......I want him to go away to jail.  He won't.  But i want him to.

How do people do it

My rent goes up consistently every year and its more than what my raises are.  The cost ofe everything is high and all i've been doing is making minium payments on all credit cards.  Which is stupid, and yet all i can seem to do.

Insurance?  I've never had a ticket or an accident that was my fault and i'm paying 250 a month premium.

How is that even possible.

I just can't seem to get my head above water.  I'm slowly sinking.

Something has to change.   

I've looked for cheaper rent, my car is as cheap as it gets and at 4cylinders its the least gas sucker possible.  I've stopped using my cards, but thats because most were at the limit anyway.  I'm behind in a few bills, not an entire month but enough to make me wonder how i'm going to catch up.

And i live lean.  I only go away a couple times a year and it's never a big expensive trip like the cruise was, and Jen paid for that.  Much to my embarrassment and appreciation.  

I owe money to Eddie from our  trip to florida.

I owe, i owe, and if i get a second job again i'll be working for free because it kicks me into a higher tax bracket.........what am i supposed to do?

I have a great job and take home 55$ of my paycheck because of taxes and all the other blood suckers i can't opt out of.  That seems extreme.

Here' a crazy thought.  I need a roommate or to share my expenses.  I can't do that in this apartment, even though i love it.  Something has to give.

I have to be with Tom for a year before i'll think about moving in with him.  If we last that long, if things go well, if our families and friends are supportive.  

Its so tempting to push it, but i know that speed in situations like this only end up costing me money and a high failure rate.  I know i've become used to living alone and sharing my space with others, especially someone elses teenagers........is something to take a lot of time thining about.

But i am.  Not only due to finances but because i can picture it.  I can see paying a lot less than i do now in bills, being able to pay off debt, turning my car in for a vehicle I actually want to drive - and sleep in......because I want the ability to travel on a moments notice.  I want to go stay in NY with my daughter, and in wallingford with my son, milford, cromwell.....the list goes on.  I can stay in my vehicle.  I will mentally have freedom.

Tom is thinking about it too.  He is handling things on his end.  I don't envy him.  There is a lot that can go wrong and right.  Either way it will be change.  Big change.

And that takes time to consider.  My shock is that i am.  Considering.  

that kind of woman

 i love it when a man tells me what kind of woman i am.

Like he's trying to convince me.

My ex husband didn't speak to me for a week when i got my first tattoo.  He said i wasn't that kind of woman.  Seems like a stupid thing to say when i have a brand new tattoo on my body.  It seems that i very much am that kind of woman. duh.

I purposely baited him by coming home 2 weeks later with a fake nose ring.  When he saw me his face turned stormy "take it out".........I laughed so hard i just about peed my pants, as i showed him it wasn't a real piercing.

But the message was clear.  He thought he could tell me what i was going to do with my own body.  And not only that, but that he had a RIGHT.  Foolish man.

Others have tried as well.......the guy who on our first date told me he would pay to have my hair dyed......when my grey/white hair was my crowning glory.  I LOVE MY HAIR and this man had the nerve to not only comment, but suggest a solution so that i would be more palatable to him.  For christ sake.  The stupidity.

Incidentally, since i started hormone replacement therapy my hair is turning colors again and getting darker.  The white is almost gone.  I'm sad.  But it's my natural hair and i'm sticking with it. My body knows what it's supposed to do.  I'm not letting some marketing executive tell me i have to color what is mine just to make other people think i'm younger. As if younger is better?  Perhaps in some ways, but not all.  Not the ways i care about at this point in my life.

Back to the stupid people.

Every man has had an opinion on something to do with my body and not in a flattering "i love this about you" way.  But it's not only my body, but my thoughts, my feelings.......that some have tried to tell me about.

because they are so smart and i am so not in tune with my own thoughts and feelings.........okay.

Says the single men who aren't aging gracefully and desperately trying to stay young.....because i'm taking advice from YOU? 

Bill was always after me to lose wieght and to tone up.  Our walks were never together.  It was him telling me to hurry up and get my heart rate up so i would burn calories........what fun.  AND he would tell me i wasn't the kind of woman that wanted to be treated well.  

I should have ran the first time he said that........oh wait, i did.  Apparently he thought i also wanted a stalker who couldn't stand anything about me.  Which is what he was.

Today is his court date......again.   I'm waiting to see what plea is entered on the judicial website.  I already know.  My only interest is to keep this protective order in place.  Forever if possible.  I want this man to never have legal access to me again and if he ever talks to me or comes near me in any way i want him to go to jail.  Stay away from me.  It's not hard.  But i know he won't unless he has something to lose.

When i see the light, it shines brightly.  You don't get to hurt my dog, or me.  You don't get to put us in a situation where we are in fear from YOU.  Never again will i ever speak to that man, or look in his face or acknowledge him in any way.  Dead to me.  

And yes, i'm afraid of him.  As i should be.

He told me i'm not the kind of woman that likes flowers, or having my hand held.  He said i wasn't the kind of woman that wanted to hear "i love you".....and guess what....... From him, i didn't.  

From many men i've gone on dates with, I didn't.  I didn't want fake contact or to be used.

I want real.

And Tom is giving me that every single day.  When we can't see each other he calls me consistantly and we never want to get off the phone.  Minimum 3 times a day.  I look forward to his calls and i know he does too.  

When we are together, he always takes my hand.  If we are walking, or in the car, he always reaches for my hand and holds it.  Always. He opens doors for me, always.  Even the car door.  I never touch a handle when i'm with him.  Consistantly.  Every Single Time. It's not an act. He takes care of me, he is always aware of where i am.

When we thrift i wander and yet he always knows where i am. 

I am the kind of woman that wants and has a real traditional man.  A hard working, committed man.  

THAT is the kind of woman i am, and it's no wonder i haven't found a man like that before reconnecting with him.  because he never tells me what kind of woman i am, or how i feel or what i want.  He just naturally gives me everything i need and lets me be myself.  Always. 

Weekend stuff

I haven't been trick or treating since my kids did it when they were little.

This year, I went with Tom and his son and son's friend. They walked around hitting up candy and we stood in the street trying to keep track of them.  Tom had parked the car and then we walked for a couple of hours around a huge neighborhood in Massachusetts (where they live) and these people know how to Halloween.  Most houses had whole yards decorated, some with music, most with lights - bon fires in the front yards, movies playing against garage doors.........it was very festive!  I kept thinking how much fun my kids would have had in a neighborhood like this trick or treating.

One man approached us and asked if we were old enough to vote.  I looked at Tom like "oh no a politician" and they started laughing as the guy held out a pumpkin filled with ice and nippers......praise jesus.  Now that is how to do it.

I'm thinking next year i'd like to set up a projector against the building showing Nightmare Before Christmas, and decorate in front of my apartment, get dressed up and hand out candy.  I can't have a fire, but i can have a pretend cauldron with dry ice....No one decorated for halloween in our neighborhood.  Maybe i can be the sunflower witch!  "that lady grows sunflowers, has Captain Spaulding hanging in her window and dresses up like a witch on halloween"

And walks barefoot in the snow, and collects Buddha figurines. If her windows are open you can hear 70's love songs, mixed with 90's rap and death metal ..........or a nice acustic Fleetwood Mac with Bob Welch before Stevie joined..........you never know.

But i digress.

I peed in a gas station bathroom.  By that time, it was a glorious sight.  

After we dropped the boys at home, we went back to my place and relaxed then to bed.  I woke up around 1am to a kiss on my head, hearing him leave.  I wasn't happy about it.  Felt like a temper tantrum, but then he texted me that his son needed a ride.

This is where i start thinking about if i can handle a man who is the sole support of his teenage boys and so my reaction was not simply about him leaving in the middle of the night.  It was all the things it will represent.  We talked about it the next day, Sunday, and he told me next time he will wake me up and i can keep him company.  I agreed.  Solved. 

I'm really not selfish, but i don't know how to navigate this.

He is worth it.

He's a better father than i was a mother.  

Later in the day he and the boys came and picked me up, then we went thrifting in Ct and MA.....The man was exhausted.  He took us out to dinner, and then i forced him to come in and get a power nap in my room while the boys and I watched south park.  They are both so different and yet both so like their father.  We chit chatted, and then Tom woke up and they went home.

It was a lovely weekend.  Last night Tom told me that the boys talked about me all the way home and told him to keep me.  I think thats good.  I'm quite sure it isn't my cooking.

what is intimacy?

 I think shutting my eyes and falling asleep next to a man is intimate.

There's literally no reason to sleep.  Get up, go home.   Live your life.

I honestly haven't enjoyed having a man i barely know spend the night with me just because we had sex.  I had my eyes open, I was aware of every move..........sleeping with someone means your gaurd is down.  Waking up to someone the next morning.......i can tell a lot about how i feel by those first few moments and the quality of sleep i had next to him.

That said.  

Bill never spent the night here, but i spent the night at his house several times.  The first, was because we had imbibed quite a bit of alcohol, so i wouldnt call it sleeping.  Also, that man wasn't capable of having sex so......it was so i didn't drive drunk.  Sorry. It's true.

Any other nights i spent there were immediately following us reuniting (as you recall, that happened quite a bit) The one night stay over and then back to business as usual.  I really think he was sent to me so i could see just how much i HAD NOT learned about trying to be loved.

You can't make someone love you.

I tried that with Darryl.  Over and over again. He loved my love.  He did not love me in the way that a man wants to protect and nurture a woman he loves.  Keep her safe from harm and hurt.......Many times he was the cause of my harm and hurt.  And then it would be my fault

Which it was, because i wasn't strong enough or smart enough to walk away and be on my own......which i always was anyway, while being loyal to him.  I just wanted him to love me back.  

You can't make someone love you.

Carlos.........he told me straight off, the first time he invited me to his home "bring an overnight bag because you are staying"  We would stay up all night.  Watching movies, playing games, smoking, drinking, and having outstanding sex.  He wanted it as much as i did.  He just wasn't in love.  And i was seeing him as the perfect man.    

You can't make someone love you.

I did have the opportunity to ask him why years later.....he said I was fun, he liked me a lot, but he just didn't love me.  It was that simple.  

It's what i've been chasing my whole life and every time i think i don't need it, a man enters into the picture.

I knew Bill and i were a temporary thing because it was Bill.  And i had gotten to the point that i no longer felt excited to see him, i didn't want to be at his gorgeous home, and i didn't want to do the things he wanted to do.  I found more wrong with us than right........but i had to see it through to my bottom line.  

When someone shows you they don't care about you, believe them.

You can't make someone love you.

No one can love you better than yourself.

Tom.  He is good to me.  It's only been two months.  It's been a juggling act for him, working a new job second shift that he doesn't know if he wants to keep doing, or if he wants to keep that shift.  He has wonky hours compared to the boys and I.  And he is the one taking care of groceries and bills (he still pays in person) and household stuff.  He is raising he sons, who are his priority.

All honorable.  All respectable.

And yet, i realize this is the reason i don't date men with children still at home.

Last night we went out trick or treating with his youngest and his friend.  We walked for miles and hours and had a blast.  Then we brought the boys home and headed back to my place where he was to spend the night and we were going to spend the day together today.

But his youngest asked him what they were doing tomorrow.  And i could tell he was conflicted.  So i naturally said it was okay, we could all hang out.

I should't have made it so easy to break plans with me without an emergency.

Last night i felt him kiss my head, heard him walking around and then heard my door close.  Then his camaro started up and he left.  I lay there wondering if he had ever really planned on staying.  I had the feeling he wouldn't make it through the night and i had mentioned it to him.

I felt tricked.  Come home, have a snack, have sex, go to sleep and wake up alone.  Normally this would sound absolutely lovely.

But it's Tom.  And i have feelings.  And i believe him that he does too.  

His oldest texted him that he was at a party and needed a ride home.  So he left.  Nothing wrong with that.  Except i felt some kind of way that made me feel like a selfish bitch.

He had to go get his son, and drive home a girl his son met, and bring his son home.  It wasn't that they were intoxicated.  The kid needed a ride.  

That didn't and still doesn't sit right with me.  But, i'm not the mother.  This is what dating a man with kids is.

Today he will sleep in, because he was up most of the night.  PERHAPS he will want to come see me tonight. 

I'm not feeling it.  I'm not here to fill your sex needs (which i also have) and then be pushed to the back burner.  Thats what i felt like.  Because he didn't come back.  I'm sure he was tired.  He didn't wake me and ask me to go with him, because i'm sure he was  trying to be nice to me.......but all i feel is that he never intended to stay in the first place and he could have just told me that.

I keep asking him to stay the night, the boys aren't alone, and he doesn't have to go into work until late afternoon weekdays.  But he hasn't.

Why.

Does he need to be home so his............roommate..........(here we go again) doesn't know he is out all night?  

But why would he have me so involved with his boys?

I have hit my first mountain to climb with Tom.  Everyone has a complicated life, but I do something about my complications when i know it's keeping me from living.

It's only been two months.