Walking Barefoot in Snow

 My brain is filled with how i'm going to pay for plane tickets to Florida and Utah this summer and still pay my rent and basic bills. The crunch is real. I make a more than decent wage, i cannot understand how someone who only feeds one person, pays rent and buys all her clothes second hand can't make ends meet.  I bought a couch for $100 and felt like i was spending $10,000.  I'm not cheap.  I'm terrified. One small mis-step and i lose the roof over my head.   At least i wouldn't have any bills then.  Well, i'd have my credit card bills but i could pay them all off with two paychecks. Isn't that fucked up? So the choice is try to stay safe and keep money (doesn't work) or live my life and be creative with how i manage my money and STILL have none........i'm gonna live.   It's scary and at the same time, it's still scary. Really deep diving into my tarot/astrology/numerology lately.  It's uncanny how spot on it is.  Yes, it's subco...

 I tend to fall off writing when i'm in a "good" place, which shouldn't be.  I need to write about when i'm happy and boring too. Mr. Cigar is as he is.  He doesn't change, he just goes through his life living it as he pleases.  I envy that. and i can appreciate it as long as he doesn't treat me as disposable, or a side piece.   I missed him in my life.  It's that simple.  As much disruption and upset that i felt when we were "together" in the past......i felt seen and heard too.   I find that when i'm not waiting for or depending on his attention to feel good, I am a lot happier.  There is not destination in mind.  This will play out for a lifetime or it will stutter and start a few times before it completely finishes.  I'm okay with it. In the meantime, I've been looking for interesting positions to apply for.  I want to know if at this age, i can still be marketable.  I want to know what my worth is profession...

 i have an interview in half an hour and i'm as prepared as i can be.  I'm not nervous, strangely.  I am curious. This would be a lateral move.  I'm looking. It's not that i hate where i am.  I feel a huge change coming and i'd like to be in control of my own destiny.  I don't want to be dragged along as a side thought. Not in my professional life or my personal life. Since we have been talking again i've seen him once.  We talk and text all day every day......unless we don't.  I let him reach out.  I asked him to come see me Tuesday, and he couldn't.  Asked if he could come the next day, Wednesday.  Then last night he had a headache and just wanted to go home.  Thats okay.  I'm not upset.  I'm just watching. This time my emotions will not do the deciding. We will watch.  I don't want to be addicted for the rest of my life to this man, to the unknown.  I want to know EXaCTLY what i'm leaving, or staying with...

 My phone gives me flashbacks of May in the past- and it's filled with my granddaughter over the years.  I love sharing those pictures with my daughter.  I'm glad i take so many pictures.  I just forget to share them. I have to go through my phone so that when i die my kids don't see any shocking photos of mom in the past.  ooops.  It's time to get rid of all that. I had some big fun. And not my life is calm and still on an upward trajectory.  This is what age does, while you can still remember.  I love talking to him.  I think when we aren't speaking, that is what i miss the most. We talk about everything and don't agree about all of it.  We never run out of things to say to each other when we are on the phone or in person.  It just flows.  And i feel heard, if not always understood.  I love to listen to his views and  question my own views, then talk to him about it.  Being fully understood is rare. Being ...

 This morning i was dragging ass.  I went out to dinner and a movie with my bestie last night and got home after 10pm.  So way past my weekday bedtime. We saw the Devil Wears Prada 2 and it was a cute movie.  Besties real estate person does a "movie night with bestie" once a year and the movie is free and they give away raffle gifts.  Fun for something to do.  The theater was filled with women and it was so LOUD.  hmm. Thank you to me for food prepping my lunch and breakfast for work this week because i had no time to throw anything together before i ran out the door.  Thank you me for taking care of me so i didn't have to worry about it. No word from Cute guy yesterday.  I didn't expect it after my ignoring his out of left field texts, nor did i expect to hear from him ever again.  This morning i got a  "Cinco de Mayo" text from him.  Wooooo.  I wonder if that hurt?  I sent back a smile emoji.  Just as much effo...

 I feel .........very calm.  Very neutral. I'm in a quiet space in my head and there are no alarms going off. Work is still very much up in the air, i find myself dreaming about it.  When i was talking to Mr. Cigar he said i could get a job at any hospital in any state, and he's not wrong.  What if i don't retire in Connecticut?  What if i move somewhere that the cost of iving is not so damn expensive. On a single income, and i make a very good wage, I struggle to make ends meet.  The only reason i can go on vacation is because my friends make it happen.  Without them it wouldn't be possible.  I shop consignment and thrift, rarely do i have anything new.  But it's new to me.   Currently i'm sussing out my wardrobe because so much doesn't fit anymore.  My clothes are bagging and yet, i cannot, will not, go out and buy more clothes that won't fit after a season.  I'm waiting to get to my size, not a certain weight.  I k...