Walking Barefoot in Snow

 The closer i get with Don, the more i begin to self sabotage.   I won't do anything to risk the relationship, it's more of a torture myself type thing. I was talking in my sleep, apparently about Bill - or too Bill.  Don asked me who Bill is the next morning.  I blew it off.  Bill is the LAST person i want to talk about to Don.  I'm afraid Bills toxic bullshit will seep in to my present.  I've been very good about trusting Don, in spite of my innate distrust of all men, with good reason.  I don't worry about him with other women.  I don't worry about him fucking me over.  I do worry that maybe i won't be strong enough for him.  I've seen some of the PTSD, felt it vibrating off him - and all i know to do is give him space but let him know i'm not judging.  I've been reading a lot about it, and how it shows up.  To me, he is worth the time.  He is worth any effort.  I just hope i have the strength of characte...

 I can't tell you the last time i had a man spend the night ..........I know i wasn't happy about it, and that i didn't sleep - and woke up crabby. But last night we had our very first sleep over and I don't know how he slept yet (he's still sleeping) but i was very aware he was there every time i woke up.  Which i do frequently.   He was here when i got home from work last night, and he had meatballs and the makings of a salad.  We feasted, and then.........i gummied.  and gummied some more.  He thinks i'm cute.  I think i hope i never get used to that euphoric feeling of happiness on clouds.  I let loose when i'm gummied.  Laugh and laugh.  and he laughs with me. for now.   I'm sure the giddiness will wear off eventually but for now, i'm enjoying it.  As time goes on we will go deeper or lose contact......i hope he is my last.  I have so much damn fun with him.  And he treats me like a lady. Can't say it's...

 Talked to my bestie last night and had nothing but glowing things to say about Don.  And then, i do what i do and i began to pick the situation apart. What does he want from me? How can he like me so much so soon? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me? And bestie promptly told me not to self sabatoge this.  She reminded me that i've been walking on air since meeting him, she said he has given me no reason to thing he's up to no good, he needs nothing from me (or vice versa) and what is wrong with me is that i don't think i deserve a good,  quality man like Don. Well then. All i know is that every time i get attached I get hurt.  Or i feel stupid for getting attached.  I always feel like the butt of someone elses joke on me.......hahahahah she thought we were a couple. Don has made no bones about we are together now, and thats that.  Why can this man claim me so easily and be so sure and yet the others ........? I think thats what is scary to m...

 i do and get tarot readings for myself.  I'm not that good at it, plus technically I shouldn't be doing it for myself. Bill comes up repeatedly, over and over.  The man won't go away even when I have no contact.  Let me put this simply, he fumbled me, more than once....was given ample opportunities that he did not deserve to catch up to a mature level of emotions and EACH TIME, fell back into his old patterns.  Lies, deceit, a literal fantasy life that did NOT exist went on in his head with him being the main and only important character. He was mean.  And when he wanted to be, he was charming and could talk me into anything. Was that his fault?  No.  It was mine.  Because i had not learned my lesson.  Men talk shit to get what they want.  They do not have any guilt, or any conscious about lying to get to their goal.  And they do not care about the destruction they leave behind. Most men.  Maybe not all.  I have yet ...

 Saturday night Jen and Doug came over and early the next morning (sunday) we drove out to Caanan to pick up my entertainment center.  It turned out to be HUGE and solid wood, which is great, but also very heavy.  When we got it back to my place my neighbor, Kurt, had the unfortunate timing of leaving his apartment and seeing we were struggling.  He and Doug got it all into my apartment. That was nice and neighborly.  I don't really talk to him but we smile and wave in passing. while i was putting my stuff together to go spend the day with Marine man i put aside one of my baby spider plants to bring to Marine man.  He has huge windows in his place and two very large plants.  I wanted him to have one of my babies.....Bwaaaahahahahaha.  Baby plants!  I decided giving one to my neighbor to say thank you seemed appropriate as well since he randomly busted his gut to get my furniture in when he didn't have to. Always say thank you, and give a toke...

We went on our first date Valentines day.  There were a lot of firsts. I went home with the hand knit blankets he got me from the ladies guild that visits the Vets.  He is a retired Marine.  He is...........all man.  No doubts. He gave me one of his Marines sweatshirts, and other assorted goodies from our day together.  We fell into it like we've known each other forever.  It was very easy.  And nice.  And felt like home.  Thats the feeling. I have nothing to offer him, he's all set. All i have is me, and he seems to think i'm worth keeping.  We need to keep getting to know each other, obviously.  Neither of us is moving from our current living situations and we dont live that far apart, just enough to make it be an effort. I feel seen, and i like what i'm seeing.  Tall, handsome, strong male features, built and bald with tattoos.  Takes care of how he looks, and how he lives.  HOT.  yes, that too.