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ghosts of christmas past

 Maybe i'm going to die soon and my past is revisiting me to make amends? First, Bill pops up again (predictable) Then Mr. Tattoo reaches out for some flirtation before disappearing again Those are the only two men i've remotely attached to since my breakup over 10 years ago.  Can't really call them relationships since it mostly went one way.  Me to them.  Them not choosing me. I have dated a few men more than once, really, i have! Theres Mr. Tickle (i can't remember how i referred to him before but we dated on and off and he has a tickle fetish).  He pops up as viewing my stories and my linked in.  He's engaged to the woman he was with for years before dating me (apparently on the side)....so what NOW?   And today, Mr. Saybrook, the guy that needs someone to move in to his house so he can pay for it, sends me a message on instagram. He was another one, couldn't stay with one woman.  We dated a few times, i saw all the signs of being love bom...
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why i'm not an artist

 I have no patience. I have been working on besties project for 2 weeks now and last night i thought i was finished.  The plan i had in my head was finished. But it doesn't look finished to me. And I see all the places i made mistakes. It looks like a kid did it. Now to be fair, i only JUST started watercolor painting within the past year.  I didn't take classes, or do anything besides fool around with it, and watch some shorts online to technique.  I'm not a good rule follower. I felt the same way about Jens gift and she loves it.  Still talks about it and shows people what i made for her.  So it can't be that bad, or she is supporting her special needs friend. (eye roll) Making a gift for someone is......a labor of love.  I hope she loves it.   Thats what last night was.  Home, read for about an hour, heat up leftovers, finish besties project, read, bed. Fall asleep at 8:30pm, wake up at 10, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5:30am before finally giv...
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all aflutter

 i did it, took the initiative and applied for a lateral position where i work.  I don't have the degree to go any higher.  I love my current job, but i've been catching on to the fact that my whole program is on the chopping block and they are just waiting for my boss to leave first. I sure as hell am not going to be the one to tell him that all his work is going down the chute.  It is an incredibly intricate and difficult program, i'll say that.  And i know it inside and out.  Saying that, not one person from that office has invited me to a meeting or inquired about my suggestions on how to simplify it. I am the pee on, and work with leadership.  They make random decisions and changes and don't think to ask the person who is doing the work.   I spoke to my "new" current boss about what my position will look like when my "old" boss is officially gone.  No one knows what is going on, but everyone insists that i don't have to worry about ...
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Sleep eludes me

 the past couple of nights have been doozies!  Tossing and turning, waking up fully awake and ready to rock and roll in the middle of the night.  It's going to catch up to me.  Probably when i least need it to. Dreaming a lot about work.  I will feel much better once we have passed into July - and i have made the cut and someone has agreed to finance my paycheck.  I feel so out of control and pissed off that the SOM just decided they aren't paying for me next fiscal year *poof.   Everyone tells me not to worry that of course i'll have a job but .........i'd be insane not to worry.  My contract was with SOM.  I'm basically free floating at the moment.  FML Here's the thing, finding work at my age will be near impossible because they expect me to retire within a few years.  AND they won't want to pay what i would expect to be paid for my experience. Mama isn't working for free and giving up the knowledge.  Sorry.  ...
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time alone

 I spent the entire weekend alone if you don't count going out shopping.  Yesterday i went to Ocean State Job Lot in Canton because it's my favorite place to find different food that won't cost a fortune (like World Market in West Hartford, which i LOVE but is a litte expensive) It was rainy and dreary cold....so i got dressed (i had planned a pj day) and headed out to browse.  I forgot i had to go through Burlington to get to the store and as i was driving i started to panic.  But it went away.  I drove through, no problems.  The only thought i had was that he is a coward and that i will be taking the hike in the woods very soon.  He won't be there to see my improvement.  His loss.  My gain. I lost more than weight and weakness over the past year.  I made room for self love and self care.  Of course because that was my route when going to see him I was going the think of him, but his influence over my emotions is losing strength....
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what day is it?

 Woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday, and feeling like booooooo. I asked Alexa what day it was.  Twice.  Then i believed him.  Yes, my Alexa is a "He". I don't believe anything he says either until i've confirmed it. HA The project for my besties birthday has me kerfluxed.  I have a few options, and i'm running out of time.  Maybe buying stuff I can't afford is the better option.  No.  I kid.  I just don't know if she will appreciate how much time and planning is going into making her something one of a kind, from my heart. I'm not an artist.  I'm a sentimentalist.  If i make it for you, it's filled with love.   Side trip, i'm making my mini bookcase.  It's an ongoing project that is not original.  One of the downsides of reading library books, or electronic books on my kindle is that I don't have the books to represent how much and what i've been reading.  My comfort.   I saw a few people ...
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C'est moi!

 You ever do something you think you might regret but you go ahead and do it anyways because........you can? I do it all the time.  And a LOT of times, it works out.  Like this haircut.  I'm feeling myself.  I needed an update, a cleanup, something that better represented who i am right now. I don't give a FUCK about what men want.  It's all about me.  It's been a long time coming.  I had that long hair that was a big fat pain in the ass because i thought it would make me more attractive to the male species.   And i no longer care.  I like this short sassy hair.  It fits who i am.   And if i want to have a little flirtation fun sometimes with a man..........i'm going to do it.  Beause i want to.  Not because i think it's what he wants.   Something that hasn't changed over the years........i don't do what i don't want to do. No shame in my game. No giving away what my wants and needs are into the ha...
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