Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I have an account on Our Time that i continuously forget about.  I don't pay, will never pay - but once in a while i check if i've gone into my email and seen i've gotten a message.  I don't always go into my personal email......so....not real good on keeping up. Last week, i was talking to two men from site.  One asked me out on Monday for Thursday (last week) and then i heard nothing from him until the time we were supposed to meet at 6pm that he was there.  I didn't stand him up.  I responded.  Next. The other man i was talking to sends a few texts a day, not too much conversation- and then at night longer more real conversations.  I almost blocked him (okay yes, i've started blocking like the rest of the world) when he said he "was gonna" ask me out for this Thursday BUT (there's my block finger moving) he has dentist appointment and it probably won't be good. First, i'm so glad he followed that up with a valid reason.  I hate the ...

 I'm realizing that i am out of control.   After all that, i texted him when i couldn't sleep and told him "fuck it, just bring me my key on Friday" and then a short conversation took place where i said "i'm being dramatic and it's not a big deal". But it is because i'm back sliding into the story i prefer. So this blog entry is going to be unhinged.  If i can't be honest here, where the hell can i be?  My feelings change within a moment without cause or reason.  My emotions are ruling my world at this moment. And it feels good. I'm a traitor. I don't care about her, when we've been going round about this BS for a year now.  I am the one that reached out to HER when i felt like he was talking so much shit about a woman who thought they were "friends"...Woman to Woman.  And she wanted nothing to do with him, was dating someone else.   So i can work this in my head and justify it by saying She is the one who stepped out of...

 I might be getting smarter, but it sure doesn't make it feel any better. I asked, and got the truth.  I dug a little, held his feet to the fire, and got the whole truth. He is with someone.  Someone is his ex.  And she lives with him.   So there's that. That's all there needs to be.  All i need to know.  I don't want anything to do with any of that. I feel .........sad? but relieved.  He's the guy that would see me to "figure out what this is" between us while she unknowingly sits at home?   No. Lets be honest, I hate her.  But I hate her because of him.  So it's a biased hate.  I SHOULD be hating him, not her.  I should feel sorry for her.  I do feel sorry for her.  I want a best friend and lover in the same package.  Maybe thats a tall order, and maybe that is never going to happen for me.  But i do NOT want a man I can't let my guard down around, or trust.  I don't want to have to wor...

 This thing is gonna save my hands.  I never realized how weak my hands are until i was handling the handguns of a friend of mine.  I cannot drop the hammer OR pull the trigger....not even close.  I realize i can fix that for my personal firearm, but ........i don't like knowing i have weak hands.  Not okay.  As we get older the focus is on mobility but we forget how important our hands are too!  so i ordered this, just a simple one, no batteries, no charging , it runs on cyntriphical force alone.  It took me a few trys to figure it out......much like i'm STILL trying to figure out the damn hula hoop.  But i finally got it!  The wrist ball, not the hula hoop.  Still working on that one. I like being called during the day and having a real conversation that isn't about the weather and is about whats going on during our day, and ......why we are connected no matter how hard we try not to be.   I told him I really wanted to k...

 i opened pandora's box yesterday.  I had an overwhelming and immediate need to reach out to him. Fuck. I thought "whats the worst thing that can happen?"   By the end of the day he was telling me to meet him at his new shop and "just have a beer" .....and when i repeatedly said "no" he finally gave in with a "you're not interested".  Which was meant to have me respond.  And i did not. Last night when i was sleeping he sent me his "goodnight" text..the one that i used to wait for and if it didn't have kisses, i would feel like i was being punished.  Like a 16 year old. What is this dynamic?   I am so very wary of him.  And i can't stay away.  What the. FUCK. Addiction. Because when he responded to me, and told me what i needed to "hear" without prompting....I want to believe him.  But i know he hasn't changed.  I have. I can see myself, melting with his attention.  His affection because he knows that reals ...

 My work situation has been making me lose sleep.  It's not that i don't still love my job.  I do.  But it's all very uncertain. I'm not too worried about being unemployed.  It's mostly about what will I be doing, and where is my home?  At this point, i literally am a stepchild that no-one pays attention to aside from my boss. es.  Some say that's a good place to be.  Some don't understand financing, and who is paying for me to be here. I'm a program coordinator.  I have a program, and i coordinate it.  Along with that, i do general support for my "old" boss.  Now i have both and old and a new boss and it appears that the new boss will need a lot more support.  Thats me.  I know how to do it, i've BEEN doing support for the majority of my career.  I had finally grown out of it and moved into a position where i "owned" something. So many changes are happening at the top going down.   I have to protect myself....