conjured

 I feel like i conjured the ex bf by writing about him.  

He called me last night, out of the blue.  We used to sometimes text each other but then he stopped answering and i stopped wondering why.  Until he sent me a picture of his daughter, with my friends daughter.....because the two ex men hang out together now, only with their daughters instead of me and my friend.  LOL that cracks me up a little.

Anyways. I had made a tiktok about how you can tell so much just from a man's kiss.  I had been thinking about Mr. Cigars kiss and how it had roped me in to something i otherwise would have run from.  I mean, i have pretty strong feelings about being cheated on. I was postulating about other men that have kissed me, and how only a very few have swept me off my feet...........and how i now blame it on the damn kiss.

It's in the kiss.

And i reminisced about my first "adult" relationship (after my divorce to my high schools sweetheart) and i described how he took it, and how i let him.....and blah blah blah......how he swept me off my feet.  You get the idea.

Incidentally, Mr. Tattoo had that very same effect on me.  

I guess my ex likes to watch my tiktoks because when he called he told me he had to watch it a few times, but he KNEW i was talking about him.  Well, yeah, dumbass.  I spent 13 years chasing your ass because of that kiss.

See the connection?  The kiss.  The chasing.  

So he called me to tell me he knew it was him.  And he was so sorry he messed it all up.  And i said he had his daughter now, and he wouldn't have had that if he stayed with me.  And that was that.

A few weeks ago, i got a message from Henry.  I had dated him off and on and had really enjoyed him but his temper was quick and severe and i ended it swiftly the last time.  And a little brutally.  Come to find out he had been seeing someone all along........smh.  HE sent me a message on Instagram "hope you are doing well".

Yes, motherfucker.  I am.  

But the thing that rocked me .....today.  I got a message from Mr. Cigars business account on FB telling me he loves me that he misses me, that he is in counseling now that we made a great couple, etc......

I felt like i had been punched.  And i cried.  And that isn't a feeling i want to have ever again.  The only way he will go away from my life is if i do NOT engage.  And i don't want him in my life.

Maybe next lifetime.  But not this one.

The universe is throwing my exes at me with a vengenance and it's because she wants to know if i've learned my lesson?  Do I want more of the same or am i ready for real love?  Real love for myself.  Real love for my life, and what is good for me.........for what i deserve.  

I am.  Onward. 

down in a hole......la la la laaa

 Sometimes i fall down a hole.......i don't even know what led me to where i ended up.

I searched my ex bf's baby mama on line.  I haven't heard from her in a long ass time.  She used to pop up out of the blue but the last time i blocked her on everything.  I always felt obliged to tell the ex that crazy was on the warpath again, but after a couple times.......why the hell do i need to know.

The fact that she thought we were friends?!  

Just because i agreed with her that he was an asshole did NOT make us friends.  Silly rabbit.

Anyhoo.  I looked her up to see if she had been arrested lately.......and instead found the house listing of where they made their happy little family.  

What a shithole.

I mean.  Really.

It could have been cute if anyone had a clue how to decorate.  I guess i expected him to move to a better place when we broke up.  I left the house/home i loved so he could stay there and he took his TV and the ONE piece of furniture that he promised he would give me to her house.

It was in the pictures.

It looked REALLY out of place.

meowwwww.

Just goes to show, you love who you love and nothing else matters.  He "loved" her and then he got down to her level.  I'm not sure what he was expecting.  She was a huge downgrade.

And all these years i've been feeling like an old hag because she was so much younger than me......Nah.  He lowballed in many ways when he made that poor choice.

Sarah, my girlfriend, was super pissed that our exes had their daughters on their motorcycles.....i wouldn't have liked it either, but they had helmets on. (rolling eyes) It is what it is.  OH!  thats what sent me down the rabbit hole.  Talking about them last night with Sarah.

Yeah.

Things are WAY different now.

L sent me a "can't get you off my mind" text.  Lets give his stats a rundown:  He owns his home, is clean, cooks, has an outstanding job at a really good place, has two harleys, a boat, and i feel safe when i'm with him on the bike.

We will have to see about the boat.  

When he retires he wants to get a toy hauler so he can travel with a harley.  We see eye to eye on the traveling part.  So at least i know my retirement dream isn't something that will need to be put away if we ever ended up together.  We have the same vision of what retirement should look like.

To think, i lived with a man who gave me up for a tweaker who couldn't even decorate.  

Okay thats enough bitchiness for the moment. 

life in general

 Today i havre to work on a contract and it's probably my least favorite thing to do.  However, the more i do, the more i know and the less expendable i become.  Learning is good.  I can do it, i'm just not overly comfortable doing things i don't absolutely know every detail of.......i hate looking stupid.

I guess some others aren't so concerned about that.

Met Sara out last night for a couple of hours. It's always nice to just sit and bullshit with her.  We catch each other up and then we see each other again in a few weeks or months.  We've been friends for over 20 years......she was a co-worker and we bonded.  We've had a lot of adventures.  

It seems that her ex, the father of her daughter, and my ex have been hanging out a lot lately - probably because they have daughters around the same age.  He had actually sent me a picture of the girls together and it made me think how small the world is.  Imagine if you never reached outside of your own little world and only associated with people you've known forever.  Nothing wrong with it, but where is the growth?  

I need both.  My constants, and new people with new ideas.  It inspires me.  It also allows me to value my constants most times!  

My bestie.  Her negativity about literally everything is driving me away.  I'm so tirrd of trying to make her see the positive side of every situation, including her 3 week vacation she just returned from.  She was complaining about it before she left, during, and ful force when she returned.  What i see, is how she looks at everything, negative.  And her husband is miserable,.  He's the MOST negative. Literally everything has something wrong with it.

I am tempted to say something, but then.......it's just who she is.  So mostly i just listen now.  Me trying to make her feel better about anything is a waste of my breath.  So i just listen and get drained.  I can't tell her much about my life because she develops very strong, NEGATIVE, opinions about it.  

And there is a pill for everything.  Sometimes i wonder if all her meds aren't the problem.

It must be hard trying to live in an imperfect world.  

I flet like L was pulling back and I did nothing about it.  I respond when he reaches out, in kind.  I feed him what he feeds me.  This morning he was telling me about his boat and how i can fish with him or just soak up the sun.  He wants it in the water before the end of the season so he's been busy with it.

Maybe this is how relationships start.  Slow. Easy. No stress or worrying about "what it is"....OR maybe neither one of us is on fire about the other.  I don't know.  I'm no good at this stuff.  What i know is that he doesn't give me the ick, he hasn't alarmed me, or pissed me off.......so far so good.

Is this love, that i'm feeling......Is this the love that i've been searching for?

 Lyrics.  HAHAHAHAHA

I'm not feeling any love for any man aside from my family and friends.  

Ex bf reached out last night out of the clear blue.  I had sent him a few random texts over the past couple of months and he never responded.  I felt a little bitchy about bothering to respond to him this time.

Maybe next time i won't.

I hate it when i sent out messages and get no responses.  

Its the least invasive way to be in someones life and if even THAT is too much for them........well, know your place MB.

Aside from that yesterday i noticed that i hadn't heard from L all day.  Then a text late in the day saying he just got back (I knew he was going on an all day ride with his club) and i responded with "cool :) "  Not going to ask, he's going to have to fill in the blanks. I can get used to this not doing all the work job.

Worked on a few projects and binge watched the Show Widows Bay .....have to finish the last episode today because i couldn't keep my eyes open it was late.  How that show is listed as a comedy is beyond me.  It IS very funny but also very creepy and scary.  Loved it.  Kind of reminds me of American Horror Story's first season.  So different, and original. 

Lots of work to hopefully do today if i get what i need from the PITA.

random

 This morning i decided today is a lazy day.  No big projects, no major cleaning, no leaving the house.  Just do whatever and not feel any "have to's"....no phone. It's currently 3:30pm and i've been up since 5am so i'm going to say i succeeded.  I have accomplished nothing of note to anyone but myself.

Score.

I watched "the ghost and Mrs. Muire" by accident.  Was flipping through channels and remembered really loving this movie when i saw it as a preteen.  It's a classic, black and white.....so many thing struck me that i'm sure didn't the first time i watched it.  I still love it, but for different reasons.  It's okay to love something differently when you know more.  

One thing that made me laugh was the scene on the beach, with the little beach huts they used to use.  Walking up into it, then down the other side into the water, holding a long rope.  I wish they still had that damn rope.  I'd go into the water a lot more and i'd have a fighting chance of getting out quickly.  The bathing suits women used to wear......with stocking and shoes.....that i don't mind skipping.

Also, the audacity of men and and how women were spoken to.  I can't imagine.  Funny thing is the men haven't changed much in my opinion.  It's women that have changed.  And not in a bad way.  Unless you are asking a man of course.

A couple of weeks ago i purchase a reading from a man i follow on TikTok.  $35 for a personalize 5 card spread and you ask your question.  He was sick and reached out to me to let me know he was behind and why, we went back and forth a few times and he has a great vibe.  Younger guy, swears a lot in his readings, very direct.....i'm a fan. I like his style.  Today i checked my personal email and he had sent the reading.  SO Entertaining!  

Basically said the same thing i've been thinking.......live my life, stop looking and trying, stop overthinking BUT don't lose an common sense i have.....the dating thing needs a rest.  Just live my life.  My full, and happy life.  Not giving up on love, just not agressively pursuing it.

That said, L came over last night.  We watched the John Wick movies and chatter boxed through them.  We get along, he's a nice kisser and fun to make out with.  I'm just not feeling "it".  Whatever "it" is.  I'm not looking to cut him off, we both were in agreement about timing and all that........Just letting it roll.  Maybe this is how it's done.

Craft area is all set up, i started Jens appointment book for next year.  I want to take my time and not rush.  I'm thinking about what to make for Cathy, and Sarah, Cindy and Amie.  These are my girls, and i want to give them gifts from my heart.  Made or thrifted and personalized to them.  Thats my mission.

I already have an idea of what i'm doing for my kids, Lindsay, Tim and his wife Jess.  I hope they love it, and that i get it right.  I think they will.  

And the grandbabies.  Toys duh.  And clothes, and a book.  I'm thinking about audiobook for my granddaughter because she loves being read TO, but not so much reading herself.  So i'd like her to enjoy the story, in whatever way she is going to get it.  

I've even thought about reading books out loud for both of them, but i can't wrap my mind around how to do that short of an old fashioned tape cassette and tape recorder.  Wouldn't THAT be very old timey of me? LOL

TGIF

 I ran around picking up and making sure all my girly things are put away because the maintenance manager is coming sometime today to look at my bathroom vanity and dishwasher.  My rent went up again, understandable, but i've been here for 5 years and these two things would need to be replaced if they rent it out to someone else.  So why do i have to sign another year lease and not have them replaced?  

Yes, i'm signing another lease, but they don't have to know that.  I'm an excellent tenant. But this place is run by a management company so when it comes down to it, they might tell me no.  It's worth a shot.

Still the best rent around and i love my apartment.  I have good neighbors and no one bothers me except to say "hello".  Perfect.

Work.  yesterday my boss left his office and walked by me while i was having a meeting with someone i've been working with in the SOM.  That whole situation pisses me off, but I do what's expected of me.  My boss,  though, was really annoyed.  Not with me.  He hears what i'm going through with this individual.  It's frustrating, but i have gained a set of polite balls.

I need the pdf file, and excel spreadsheet that you used to do the mass emailing.  

Is that hard?

It's pretty goddamned simple.  And yet.........apparently not.  I refuse to spend hours trying to figure out what the hell someone else tried to do.  Give me what i asked for.  Two files.  The ones YOU USED.  No i will not make the changes you requested.  You go ahead and make your changes and then SEND ME TWO FILES.

If you knew how complicated this mans thoughts are, and how he talks in circles about shit i don't want or need to know (his job).....I'm protecting my ass and my reputation.  He's not evil.  He's just very disorganized and not a great communicator.  I used to listen to him going around with my old boss and now it's me that has to do it.  urgh.

I still love my job.  I just wish i could ditch the SOM the way they ditched me and still refuse to add my name to anything that is MY PROGRAM, because......of my official position.  Thats the most i can get out of my repeated attempts at clarification.  Bottom line.  I do the work.  I have one boss.  He appears to be happy with me.  I get paid.

Boom.

So the cutie on the dating site disappeared.  He either closed his account or blocked me.  boooooo.  He was so damn hot.  Just as well.  No time spent, no loss.  It's just not often that someones pictures give me that kind of response.  Dating is sucky same as always.

Went to L's house last night after work and we went for a nice long ride on his bike.  Weather was perfect, he took me through some awesome views and then we stopped for dinner at Cucoo's nest in Old Saybrook.  Sat at the bar, had a margarita and a couple of  tacos.  Then we headed back to his house and when we got off the bike i made to leave.  he's an hour away from me and it was 8pm.  He said "come inside, don't run away"....

I rolled my eyes.  We are just friends sir.  Kissy friends, yes.  but we agreed that our lives at the moment don't add up to a relationship.  Keep it light.  With some kissing.  mmmmhmmm.

Turned into a wee bit more than that, but MB put the brakes on.  Would it be nice?  Probably.  But we aren't exclusive.  And i'm not looking for a playmate, as much as i wish that was enough for me.  I'm not about to get bonded to another man who doesn't want a relationship.  Nope.  Uh Uh.  No thank you.

I WILL continue to see him.  I love riding with him.  He is great company.  And he's attractive.  I could consider more but that, would need to be talked about.  All this vague bullshit that these men try to pull while they pursue the fruits given during an actual committment........yeah, not falling for that.

I'm having fun.  All is good. 

No sleep for the wicked

 Koda had me up at 3:30am this morning.  He's been spoiling me, waiting until 4:30....but not today.  And he did't want to go back to sleep either.  He wanted to play.  And run around and make mommy feel insane.

All my fault.  I'm aware.  I need a firmer hand.  But........shit i'm tired. 

L is texted me to bring a change of clothes when i go see him tomorrow...........I replied "?".  Then he told me we were going to go for a ride if the weather was good and have dinner.  If i wore a skirt or a dress i would need a change of clothes to go for a ride.

........

He's thinking way ahead.  ehem.

I'll make it easy and wear jeans. Perfect. :)

Yesterday Mr. Too Hottie from the dating site reached out and told me he was happy i was interested, and he didn't respond right away because he's working.  I don't know what his work is.  Gave me a little thrill to hear from him.  Eww.  Relax yourself you dimwit.

Yesterday at work i had to put together this thing that a lot of important people will be working off of, and if it's not right it will screw up a bunch of stuff.  

Hows that for vague? 

Now i know what stress is,  it's not working to hard, or scrambling around, it's having the information land firmly on my head and knowing the ramifications if it's not right.  

Well, i wanted this.  Didn't I?  

Dreaming of van life and the places i will go, with different kinds of stress.