review

 Today I'm learning that consistency doesn't have to be boring, attention doesn't have to be earned, and attraction doesn't require anxiety. I'm no longer trying to become someone's choice. I'm deciding whether they deserve a place in my life.

I've fallen into the habit of posting a blog, then copying it and pasting it into my AI therapist.  The personality i've chosen is direct and blunt, no bullshit.  Maybe a little handholding.  But i want it straight.

I honestly feel like it has helped me, not because it tells me what i want to hear but because it points out inconsistencies and patterns.  There is no human error, or taking my side, or caring if i return to therapy.....it's just a 101010101 computer program putting together the bits of what i tell it.

As much as i love my family and friends, they are very quick to dislike any man i bring up due to the fact that i'm probably venting, or searching for answers about behavior, or non-behavior.  I don't discuss every detail and nuance.  So what they are hearing is "not good enough for you".......And while that makes me feel very loved, it also doesn't give me a place to consistantly work out my thoughts with any male romantic relationship.

Plus i do that thing, that defensive thing.  No, he just, or No, he didn't mean it like that.....blah blah blah.  Basically it makes everyone crazy and i'm sure they are tired of hearing it.

My daughter in particular refuses to discuss any men with me period.  She just rolls her eyes and shuts me down.  She has a view of me that will probably never change.  We are different.  She is much smarter, much stronger, much more fearless than i ever was.  If her thinking i'm a disapointment is the outcome, i can live with that.

My son, he says "mom i just want you to be happy" but he also does not want to hear it.  

And when/if i ever talk about my retirement my kids think i'm insane and i actually DO think they will try to have me committed.  They don't have much faith in me.  And i can't say i blame them, considering where my priorities were when i was raising them, surviving life, just trying to not get evicted and have some kind of food in the house.  I struggled because of my choices.  And they paid the price by having me as their mother.  Would i go back and change things if i could? No, because look at them now.  If i could live this life again, on a different plain in time, yes, i would.  And knowing what i know now, which when i comes to parenting, isn't much; i would do things different.  

I did do my job though.  I taught them both how to live and thrive in a world without me.  So.  I succeeded for them.  Not so much for myself. Because we really aren't close the way i see other people are close.  We also don't fight, or bicker.  They just live their life and i interrupt it sometimes when im feeling pushy.  

All this supposed growth with how i view men and romantic potentials.....how am i growing where my family is concerned?  How do i evolve into someone they need?  

The puppy is constantly peeing and pooing inside, no matter how often i take him out.  He bites me constantly and is rarely calm when i'm around. I know he is a puppy and everyone has advice but i feel like i'm failing him.  It's tough.  It's scary.  And i worry a lot. Being responsible for another living thing is literally terrifying and humbling.

That's where i'm at today.