Noon

Lunchtime

Wait for your call
What are you doing
Who are you calling now
Who is loving you
Who is waiting

Tell her you love her
Tell her you care
Tell her what you are
Angry
Manipulating
Scary
Sweet
Desperate
Lost

Tell her what you want
To chase
To own
To collect

Tell her who you are
A lover
A thief
A liar

mbl

Life isn't fair, is it.

A few thoughts:

When a couple is in a long term relationship, and one never gets to know the others friends- it's no loss to them when there is a break up.  HOWEVER, when the OTHER makes friends with most of the others friends- they are likely to remain friends with some, if not most.  Only a few fake ass people will jump ship completely and immediately.  No loss there.  No surprise either.

I find it fucked up that my ex would actually believe he was going to neatly cut me out of his life AND "his" friends lives.......and seemed really hurt that it didn't happen that way.  Not everyone considered me disposable, and i'm really not sorry if that wasn't something he worked out in his head ahead of time.  Surprise!

I found myself feeling sorry for her when i was shown a picture of their baby shower.  She looks so normal.  He looked utterly stoned.  He must be sooooo happy.  He's gotten everything he ever wanted.  Yes, that is sarcasm.  On the other hand, this IS the woman who supposedly has her shit together so maybe he is only in the short term plan.  I hear it's cheaper than insemination.

Am i feeling vicious? Nope.  I'm feeling like i tried to play nice in a situation where i should have been really angry and self righteous.  I had every right to be.  It's only lately that i've felt happy about the fact that IT WASN'T ME....THANK THE GODS.

I even set myself up sometimes to feel sad and I can't even shed a tear for that situation any more.  All i have is a sense of ......having escaped.  I've had my lows, i've had my fits of anger but I have not felt nearly as close to the bad i felt while i was with him.  I no longer second guess myself, or feel bad about myself because of some guy.  Fuck em.  I have good friends and family and I don't need much else.

A nice guy would be icing on my cake.  I love dessert. :)  But i sure don't need it.

True colors

That guy that i was so proud of myself for inviting to a party never showed up.  AND it appears that i've been blocked on his facebook.

Here's what i've learned:

•  Listen to my best friend when she tells me a guy is an asshole

•  Continue to ask men out if i feel like it.  Why not? I'm a grown up and I've now learned      what it feels like to be stood up. That's never happened to me before.  Usually i don't pick          such rude men.  Some may be jerks, but never pussies.  It's not devastating.  It's a quick way to  learn that someone is messed up.  Saves time. 

• Also, make myself absolutely clear if i'm asking someone out because i want to start dating them, or if it's just to have a drink because i enjoy their brain.  I guess i wasn't clear about that.  It was the company i was looking for.  See I thought there was a possibility of my ex showing up.  I think that any time I'm going somewhere "our" friends are because eventually it's bound to happen. It will be awkward so i wanted someone who wouldn't know or care about him to be with me and keep me company for courage.  Perhaps i should have stated that as well.  Or picked a better male friend.
• 
  

Had I been interested in him at one time? yes.  But i also thought he was still hung up on someone and not looking for a romantic relationship.  So ...........while i liked him, i did not consider him relationship material. Not now, possibly not ever. I liked him enough as a person to keep contact with. He's the one that kept saying we should meet up for drinks.

Had he asked, i could have told him I have recently met someone that I WOULD actually consider for a relationship. Now.  So much so that i would not want him to go with me to a party where my ex may appear.  That's not a cool way to begin getting to know each other as potential partners.  I just don't think he would have appreciated it. (see "take a compliment already" post)

Do these guys think that every woman who shows any interest is putting all her eggs in one basket without ANY reason to?  Maybe i'm the fucked up one, but i'm not trying to get tied down in a relationship with anyone i haven't taken the time to get to know, really well. I love that my therapist pointed out to me that i lose all my good sense as soon as i am emotionally involved.  I'm not looking to lose my good senses to any unworthy male, OR worthy male - ever again.

I understand the words "i'm not interested in continuing contact"  or "This is just not going to work out".......but when a guy says we are friends, i think he may be interested in my brain and company as well.  Anyone who takes the time to get to know me will find out fast that i don't mince words.  I don't tell lies, and i don't mislead.  Although apparently in this case i did.  Or he did.  or.....something.
 
I'm learning its true that taking time helps weed out the flakes from the men.  I just saw it in action.

Take a compliment already

What is wrong about having someone be excited about me?

What is wrong with having a man tell me how much better I look in person, tell me how beautiful he thinks I am?

What is wrong with having someone be enthusiastic about calling me, texting me, wanting to reach out to me?  Make me laugh, take so much pleasure in making me smile?  Wanting to spoil me in ways i've NEVER been spoiled?

Why do i automatically discount any compliment as bullshit.  Any interest as faked and manipulating.........why can't i just enjoy the moment and accept good will when it comes my way? Why can't i trust anything that comes out of a mans mouth?  When did i become so jaded and unable to accept compliments? affection?

Well, this shit has to stop.

I'm going to try something new.  I've been doing that lately, trying to quiet the voice in my head that whispers "you don't deserve love"..."you aren't good enough"......."something is wrong with anyone who loves you"........

Fuck that voice.

I'm going to enjoy this moment for however long it lasts, for whatever direction it takes.  I won't project, i won't invest too soon and i will not lose my common sense.  I will TAKE IT SLOW and learn how normal people do love.

And see what happens.

It's a good day.

Listening to Sublime.........feels like summer in my office.  My first day back at work and the place is deserted while i drown in receipts, spreadsheets and requisitions.  Ugh.  The end of the fiscal year isn't something i should be so involved in, and yet..........here i am.  Goddamned calculator and all.

I should have become an accountant.

Shoulda woulda coulda no regrets.

You know that thing called liquid courage?  I obtained some.  Put a few drinks in me and all of a sudden i'm "I love everyone and anything is possible yayyyyyy"........which i suppose is better than "what the actual FUCK are you looking at??" which has also been known to happen, but not in a really long time.  Really.

Yesterday i asked a man to go to an upcoming party with me.  Yes, i did that.  Miss cold and reserved busted out her whythefucknot and just casually invited him to attend with me.  He said yes.  I hadn't realized i was holding my breath waiting for the answer. That's how it gets done?  I have never asked a man out in my entire life unless we were in a relationship and i don't think that counts.  That's kind of a yes, before you even ask.

I'm so proud of me, doing all these things i've never done before.  Go me.  I'm not sure whats making me giddy, his "yes" or my asking.  Both are good.  I'll take both.

Count down to throwing myself into the deepest debt i've ever been in.  Hopefully this time next week i will be holding an approval letter in hand with a list of properties to go see.   I'm so excited now that i can barely stand myself.  I think it helps to know where you are living before you begin to decorate.  Right?  ..........eclectic, cozy, comfy, non-cluttered, colorful, calm, zen, peaceful, sexy, feminine, positive, home, mine........

Rolling Stones, Beast of Burden just came on.  Sigh.  Sorry, but i'm keeping this song.  It won't be skipped over, or turned off.  This is one to sing at the top of my lungs with a smile on my face. I may have to stand up and shake my ass.   It's a good day.

closure

I cried a lot last night, was up until 3am because i did the one thing i said i wouldn't do again.  I let that door open.  Not wide, but enough that there was some scab pulling going on.  I was able to say my piece, speak my heart and find solace in knowing that I am worth missing, that there is regret.  It must be my ego that is still so bruised because as soon as the sentiment was shared I felt like it was all really done.  That I was in fact, not treated fairly and that everything i was told i was crazy over was in fact happening.  I think it takes courage to admit that, and I appreciated it.  

I did not fall into any of the old patterns that usually slip on so easily with someone you've spent such a long time with.  I did not get angry, I did not poke, i did not say anything I didn't think about first.  I protected myself.  The person once had the role of protecting my back and i wouldn't fall for that again.  You get one shot with me.

Trust and loyalty are so important to me.  I have always been honest, even when it SUCKED having to be.  But my truth is who i am, so why would i say anything, or be anything else?  Maybe i lose people, or maybe i'm not well liked by all.  That's okay, i'm not meant to be.  No one is.  If i can't be completely honest about who i am with my partner....why have a partner?  I can't expect any less.  I won't.  We don't have to agree on everything, we don't have to like everything or love everything about each other.  We just have to have respect, and the ability to appreciate that we have chosen each other over all others.  Am i crazy? Because i seem to get told that by anyone who can't measure up.  

I got what i needed.  I'm lucky, i think, because so many people in my situation never do.  It's so frustrating when you KNOW what happened and the other person continues to lie and disrespect you.  I feel like now i can give up the space he's been holding.  That there is no box in the back of the closet waiting to be re-opened and poured over ever again.  It's done.  

So maybe, i am polly anna.  Whats the equivalent in a male?  Because that's who i'm holding out for.  In the meantime i think i'll buy a roof and maybe start planning that trip to Ireland i've been thinking about taking for half my life.  Or maybe i'll read another book.  Or lie and stare at the wall while my mind wanders.........Or any damn thing i want.