fuck caution

Know why?  Because i've always been cautious and it never saved me any aggravation.  If anything it prolonged it.

I'm happy.  The kind of happy i've never experienced before.  No pressure, no have too's, no worrying about what anyone thinks, or feels, or says.......my eyes are wide open and i can't see a thing to run from or throw a caution flag on.

Its new.  We are crazy.  And we don't give a care.  I've waited my whole adult life for this man and i'm not wasting any more time.  It feels good to be cared about and to have him let me care about him.  It feels good to TALK to him and to listen to what he has to say.  It feels good to feel that fire and also the laughter, the mutual respect, the mutual need for more of each others company.  The inability to keep our hands off each other.  He's hot and he's smart and he's all grown up.  He takes care of himself AND me when i'm with him, and i plan on being with him a LOT.  He thinks i'm all that and then some so I am going to soak that in for as long as i can.  I can and will reciprocate.....with pleasure.

How i went this long without him....?  I don't know.  But i don't have to anymore.  I kind of understand looney Tom Cruise on the Oprah show now......I feel that way, have felt that way since i laid eyes on him in the flesh.  From that first eye contact, I knew.  He knew.  It was a lightening strike that everyone around us could see.

Don't roll your eyes, or think i'm nuts or feel so sickly sweet you want to puke.  Be happy for me, share it with me, there's enough.  It's been a long time coming for both of us and we finally found each other.  I'm allowed to be ecstatic.

Thank you to everyone who ever made me feel like i wasn't good enough.  Because of you, i found my way back to MYSELF and into HIS arms.  Where i belong.

how fast they change their minds.........

I should know by now not to make any definitive statements about future events i have not yet experienced.  I usually end up eating my words.

Gimme that humble pie......i'll eat the whole thing if it means I get to be happy.  Not the surface, blind, fleeting happiness that i've had in the past.  This is a real, deep and calm happiness.  The kind you know that no matter how far you dig down, you can keep digging -  and never hit bottom.

I didn't think he even existed, but he does.

I can be with a man who sets my world on fire, making me forget any other man AND is responsible, grown up, able to take care of himself and WANTS to have me be part of his life.  Only me.  I CAN in fact be enough for a man.  I'm not "too much" as i have been told by lesser men.  

You know the best part?  I don't have to dull my light to let his shine.  I don't have to be less of me for him to be comfortable.  I don't have to slow down, speed up, hide this thought, keep that to myself, stroke his ego, or act like i don't care.  I don't have to fucking SHARE him with other women, past or present.  I know this from the tip of my nose right down to my toes.  He is true.

The joy this gives me is immeasurable.

The words i am eating are many.

Being wrong is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Letting go of my regrets,  my fear,  my mistrust, my pain........is the best thing that ever happened to me.  He wiped it all away in one fell swoop, like dust.  He replaced it with hope, happiness, trust and the ability for me to see a future with him in it.

It was fate.  We were always finding our way to each other.........He was made for me.  I just needed to be patient and believe.

Enjoy the ride but watch your toes

This smiling business begins to hurt after a while......seems that genuine and joy filled smiles may use more face muscles than I thought.  Bring on the wrinkles.  Completely worth it.

What a strange place to be.  Completely un-tethered to anything and yet more solid and based then i have ever been in my life.

Do i experience sadness on a daily basis anymore?  No.  There are moments and they pass. They are infrequent.  There really isn't room for those thoughts anymore, unless i purposely recall them as I am at this moment.

Why do that?  Because I want to understand the part i played in unhappy relationships.  Because i don't want to repeat it for a third round.  I don't want to fall into the same trap of losing my head as much as i'm willing to give my heart.  To the right man.  Since my picker is broken, i'm not sure i trust my own judgement anymore so i need to check myself occasionally.

Looking at where i am right now, and the fact that i've spent some solid time "alone" as in, not in a romantic relationship.......perspective has changed.  It would seem that what i "need" from a man would be a hell of a lot less considering I am doing fine without one, right?  But no.   Thinking about this now, the stakes are higher.  This sounds morbid, and makes me feel aged, not old but- If i'm giving the last phase of my life to one man he better be all that and more.

This, i have come to see - is the fun part.  Yes, i have to work, pay bills, prioritize.  I'm not rich, probably never will be and i'm okay with it.  So maybe i only go to two countries before i can't anymore instead of all of them.  Or even just the one, Ireland.  That has to happen SOMEDAY.  I can go alone, or not.  But i'm going.  If that's my biggest dream requiring money- i can make that happen.  The point is, i have very few responsibilities anymore.  So freedom comes naturally now.  Life has become an open road and i have a full tank of gas.

My version of "freedom" doesn't mean not being in a committed relationship with a significant other.  I dislike those terms "tied down", "settled down"......yuck.   If anything I want to ramp up, get a little crazier, and have a hell of a lot of fun.  I need a partner, not another child to care for or controlling boss to answer to.  I need a best friend that I can also crawl naked into bed with.  That sounds like heaven to me and it is that simple.  Someone who is my favorite person, and vice versa.

That's not to say that everyone else falls off the planet and we spend 24/7 together.  I still bitterly laugh when i think about the ex saying I wanted to be with him 24/7.  I have NEVER wanted to be with ANYONE 24/7.  Not even mySELF. Now i'm laughing because that statement is so true i taste it in my mouth.

There's a yearning for someone that can't take place when you see them constantly.  I don't want to lose that feeling or have him lose it for me.  It is essential.  It's not about holding back or not sharing a life, it's about remaining separate people and sharing that with each other.  That idea of "becoming one" has fucked everyone up.  Nice job catholic church.  I also don't want to be forgotten or discounted because i'm not there in person - I never forget, i always respect.  I want that in return.

So as i move into new territory, with a straight and open mind, I find that maybe i'm not so confused or scared after all.  I just needed to be patient and not lose heart.  I had to weed through a lot of jerks, and people who are better off as friends before i could arrive at this point with someone where it's so new and clean and unwritten - and fragile. I need to go gently before I begin to have this feeling again.

The feeling that i want to jump in with both feet.  I acknowledge that sweet innocent side of my heart for a moment, that little girl who just wants to swim in the love that never came without strings attached. The kind of love she deserved to have from her parents, but can not come from a partner. Understanding that has changed me.  Has set me free.  I can be 100% me and the right man will not only love me, he will accept my love.

I'm looking forward to watching and feeling that play out.  

Just another lesson

This afternoon I was mortified and then furious.  I got called a loser, a shitty human, full of shit, a waste of time, a liar, and oh, a user.

Because i did not want to go out on a second date with him.

I don't know WHAT i was thinking, he's such a wonderful guy with such a full vocabulary.  

I can't be too careful.  But i have to be not TOO careful.  It's all so confusing, frustrating and yeah a little bit dangerous.  This fucking guy was all hands and wouldn't stop.  Why didn't I leave?  Because i fell into that trap of not wanting to make a scene and feeling like maybe it was my imagination.....you know, the shit women think that stops them from punching an asshole in the face.  or breaking his fingers. 

Here i am, 49 and still reacting the way i was trained to.  Well, this guy was a wake up call.  This time i made it away in one piece non the worse for ware, that way of thinking and not responding will get me raped.  Real men don't act that way no matter how turned on they are.  Assholes intimidate women and try to coerce them into doing something they don't want to.  And when that doesn't work they just take.  

Well.  God help the next guy that tries to shame me into submission.  He's gonna get his ears boxed and if thats not enough he's gonna have a difficult time walking again.  I may be slow to learn in some cases, but once i HAVE learned........i don't forget.

So in the same way i can't hold new guys accountable for what has happened to me with ex's, i can't hold new dates responsible for jerkoffs like this one.  He said i "lied" ......because i said i wanted a relationship.......?  with the right guy ASSHOLE, not ANY guy for FUCKS SAKE..

I guess maybe i'm not so calmed down as i thought i was.  

I am responsible for my own behavior and feelings.  I am responsible for my own behavior and feelings.....i am responsible....

I am going on a date with a man that gives me goosebumps just talking to him.  He is, my "type" as much as i said i was going to run away from my type.  The difference is that he is literally everything I have ever wanted in a man, and more.  With fireworks.

And that is all i'm gonna say because i don't want to jinx it.  or share it. i want to hold this potential beginning of something special close.  And safe.  So mind ya business. :) hahaha

I will NEVER give up.  

Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times