OUchies

 Kids, brush your teeth.  It will save you so much agony down the road.  hopefully.

I, am terrified of the dentist.  When i was a kid, i a had a sadistic fucker who told me to stop being a baby while torturing me.  So, obviously, i actively avoided going to any dentist unless absolutely needed, meaning when i had to have a tooth pulled.

Because there's no way in hell any of that root canal bs was ever going to happen. Or braces, or any beautifying of my teeth.

My dental care has been sketchy going decades between cleanings.  Because of that, i am a constant brusher.  Brushing my teeth over and over daily is not uncommon for me. I'm scared of bad breath.  Always have been.

And my teeth are fabulous.

It's my gums.

actually my jaw bone.

Because of not having regular cleaining apparently i've destroyed the bone that actually holds my pearly whites in place.

And right now, i'm dealing with that consequence.  Not well.

You see, for every tooth that dies (nothing to hold it in place) your other teeth start moving around because there is space.  Moving teeth and bad bones.......no good.

What a joy.

I wish i could go back in time and grab that masochistic asshole dentist by the balls and squeeeeeeze very hard, for a long time.  

My grown kids have teeth issues because of my very active fear and very sympathetic feeling of pain whenever i did bring them.  

I'm also suspicious that some dental procedures actually CAUSE the need for more procedures because it costs literally a small fortune i do not have to maintain these choppers.

So that is what consumes my mind today.  I'm going to see the Ortho surgeon because apparently regular dentists don't pull teeth anymore.l  Fun. Is.

I'm going to throw up.  Have a great day. 

Brain is full

 My brain is overflowing with information.  If i can keep some of it, that would be nice.

I can't wait till this weekend.  Low key.  No makeup, no real clothes, no time schedule.

Maybe i can start my 100 day project.....i'm starting late but there are 365 days in a year so i've still got time.  

While showering and listening to the news this morning i am once again hit with the thought to delete all my social media.  At least TikTok.  I hate to chase carrots........and i feel like thats what it has become.  I can actually live without it.  Thanks.

Trump dangles it in front of China to get less tariffs if they sell to (anyone?) other than china.  I wonder if Russia gets a whack at it?  Bottom line is that it's not entertainment, its a tool.  And i'm not getting paid, so fuck off. 

Also heard that 23 and me is going bankrupt and to delete all my information.  For fucks sake.

Isn't the internet a lovely thing?  Destruction everywhere.

We created a world where we could be anything we want, and we fucked that up too. 

People are shit. 

second chances?

 I hold my friends in high regard.  I try to be a friend that is also held in high regard. Do we both get disapointed sometimes?  i'm sure.  But that's part of being a real friend.  You don't love the parts, you love the whole, regardless.

Its that trite phrase: Friends are family we choose.

I tend to keep mine.  Once you are my friend, thats that.  Done deal.  Until you prove to me that you are not genuine, or you are a racist, misogynist, narcissist.......oh, wait, that's ex boyfriends.......

I've had falling outs with my bestie over the years because we've been friends for over 50 years.  We went through lots of growth.  And here we still are, always will be.  Some friends i made during the pandemic (online groups) have become some of my closest and dearest in just a few short years.  Others have fallen to the wayside because the connection was never more than fleeting.

Once i'm bonded with you, i'm there.  You can't get rid of me.

UNLESS- you purposefully hurt me.  Because friends know all the hurt spots.  Friends protect you from them, they don't stick their finger in and twist.

Which is what my girl "M" did.  And she did it spectacularly when she completely ignored me, made her rounds, then turned her back to me and walked out the door.  She knew it was a big FUCK YOU to me.  Message received.

Did it hurt?  oh yeah.  It did.  But i've learned not to chase someone who feels comfortable hurting me.  

We had had a disagreement.  It was a business deal we both wanted to do, but her "man" put himself into it and had feelings about my friend who was going to financially (and silently) back us until we could pay him back.  It's a long story, and i've got nothing nice to say about her choice in men, so i'll leave it at that.

But that wasn't enough for him.  Next he started working on me personally, and the friend group that i had formed and invited her into as someone i love.  The group happens to be white people.  Just like when i met "M" the group i was the minority being white.  It never occurred to me to be counting.  Or judging.  It just was what it was because of the circles we were in.  And we, her and I, combined friends, not colors.

He made it about that though, privately to her.  And it came out flying out of her face during a heated discussion between us (because things were very heated between us always) when she said "you only want me around your white friends as entertainment".

Which knocked the wind out of me.  I felt like she throat punched me.  Like the feelings i have for her meant nothing.  Add to the fact that my "white" friends adored her.  I did not know SHE had any feelings like this.  And the more i talked to her i found out WHERE those thoughts had come from.  HIM.  The asshole who didn't like that she had us, that we were all aware she deserved better than what he was offering her.

Its so much more complicated, and it doesn't feel good to share her personal history here - but lets say we all have our patterns that pull us backward when we are trying to grow ahead.  Thats all i will say on that.

From the moment i met "M" i was in awe of her.  She stands 6ft tall,  plus sized, and wearing stilettos, walked into the room like "i'm here! let the party begin" the first time i saw her.  I couldn't keep my eyes off of her as she worked the room like she knew everyone in it.  She sparkled.  She owned her space.  She EXPECTED your adoration. 

The next time i saw her was at a party where she noticed me not having a nice experience with a pushy male.  She interceded, and basically saved me.  From that moment on, we were glued together.  Every party, every weekend away, every social gathering.  We would sit on my porch for hours drinking wine and offloading our past onto each other.  We are both fucked up.  And our fuckedupedness identified with each other.  And there was love.  Big love.

Until he came into the picture and everyone else began to fall away from her because thats where she pushed them.  I was one of the last, and i didn't fall away - she slammed the door on me.  My friends all knew i was devastated.  But we all went on.  Continued with her space leaving an emptiness.  She wasn't entertainment.  She was loved.  

Is loved.

But sometimes shit happens.  She made her choices.  

Yesterday she reached out to me via text.  Again, i don't feel it's appropriate to share her words or her life here.  I felt it was genuine.  She asked if i would consider meeting her for drinks.  I agreed.  We are getting together tomorrow night.  

At the very least, i can listen to her.  How do you forgive someone for living their life and choosing to remove you from it?   Aren't we allowed to do that?  I have no expectations other than hearing her out.  Hell, I've done it for ex boyfriends, why not someone i held in higher regard than any man i've ever been with?

Friend to me is sacred.  Friend is safety.  Friend is comfort.  Friend is healing.  Friend is shared history.

But it is not unconditional.

My children, my grandchild.  Those are the only unconditional loves in my life.  

So.  We will see if i regret this meet or not.  We are both strong personalities.  

Private and block

 Social media is a shitshow and YET, i can't seem to stop.

I had to close my TikTok and make it private.  WTF is it with crazy girlfriends stalking me?  I didn't want him, what makes you think I want to to talk to YOU about him?  

I have never in my life.  I mean, once i did accidentally, but in fairness, i had no idea she was an ex gf of my bf.  So it doesn't count.  

Why?  Have they no shame?  Do you think i want to be besties?  Are you out of your mind?

My ex's, ex gf reached out a couple of times and i should have blocked her but my curiosity won that battle....and it confirmed that he definitely traded down.  Thats what you get for calling me crazy.  You got REAL crazy.  Now you know the difference.

She's done now i think.  My last message to her probably made clear that she got what she wanted.  Deal with it.

This one on TikTok though........she is everything i would expect the man i briefly dated to be with.  Trashy. Big mouth. Chip on her shoulder.  Doesn't know when to shut the fuck up.

Stop viewing my pages you psycho.  So now, if you aren't my "friend" you see nothing.  People who care will figure it out and the others can go blow. 

I have no content anyways.  But it's wierd to know someone is stalking my page hating on me.  Get a life.  

Or.......watch me live mine happily if thats what gets you going.

Yesterday my boss proved to me once again that he is the best boss in the world.  Had a provider get shitty with me over a policy he didn't think was "fair" because it wasn't convienant to him........had his administrator pass that information on to me.  I responded.  The provider didn't like it so he added my boss.......who promptly backed me up.

There is light in the world.  You have to look for it, and see it when it happens.

twice in one weekend

My son reached out and invited me to brunch for Saturday- We like to meet at the Olympia Diner on the Berlin Turnpike because it's kinda half way for both of us and we've always gone there - Me since i was a kid with my father and my son, since he was a kid with me.  It's tradition.

This time we never actually made it to eating, but we DID go down the street to a different restaurant where we had adult beverages and outstanding service.  We may have a new tradition.  

While we were out they (my daughter in law and son) asked if i would come to dinner Sunday night.  She was making a big batch of stuffed shells.  Sunday was nice, her family was there and it very relaxed.  I really enjoy her family and appreciate that they have always treated my son as family.

Before i went Sunday i literally slept all day.  I woke up at 4pm and dashed out of the house to be on time for dinner.  

I tend to sleep a lot when i'm overwhelmed.  

I keep second guessing myself at work, which i suppose, i should.  Most of the people i work with are friendly and professional but there are always the few..........yeah.  So its difficult for me to not be "hard" when someone is being an asshole.  My boss had taught me to be gentler.......but i forget sometimes.  I know it's important to remain gracious and calm but some of these people i'd like to let loose on.  

so entitled.

Not all.  But enough.

Anyways- still very much axiety ridden over what changes are coming in July when my boss steps down and someone else takes his place.

not much to say.  It's work work work for me right now.

Quiet fury

 .........i'm not sure anyone i know would ever associate quiet with my fury.

I can talk, use my words, hell, i can even LISTEN to others words.  Even if they don't fall in line with mine.

Unless they start calling me names, or mock me, or be condescending.

The art of conversation is lost on many people.  The exchange of ideas in a way that comes to a partially happy ending for both "sides"........over.  It's all or nothing to be a winner.  Dummy.

I will not discuss my views on politics anymore.  I will not continue to post memes or repost others thoughts that i agree, or disagree with.

My thoughts are my business, and the business of those closest to me.  I do not live in a world where having "thoughts" or "ideas" are welcome, regardless of what they are. 

I've been struggling with this, and have been focusing on the more immediate topic of dating, of men, of day to day life.  The things within my reach, that i have some kind of say over.  For now.

The small things that i find annoying, infuriating, frustrating.......my day to day life.....that so many others don't have to worry about because THEY are dead, or being killed, or trying NOT to be killed.  You know, the basics.

This gets to me.  It makes my heart hurt. It makes me furious and feel out of control.  How could these things be happening in the world and we go on worrying about paying the cable bill this month?

This morning i woke up angry because i have no idea when my vacation will be approved, or IF it will be approved, and i'm trying to "make plans".  Then i put the news on and got into the shower.  By the time i got out of the shower i felt like the biggest piece of shit. 

Vacation???

That's what i'm mad about?

Men?

This is what i get angy over?

Not seeing my children, or my grandchild enough?

THAT is what makes me sad.

Being too tired, and staying home to stare at my walls rather that go out with friends?

THATs what i feel guilty over?

My life is small.

And yet to me, it isn't.

I am overwhelmed by the enormity of what is going on in this country, and the world.  I am a coward that doesn't want to know more because WHAT CAN I DO?  Cry? Be angry? Throw my fists and scream into the face of those that oppose my views?

What if i don't even know who the enemy is.  what if the enemy is my friend?  My co-worker?

What if my only absolute belief is that every human being is equal, that nobody deserves life more than anybody else, that food, shelter, and health care should be a given, no matter where you live, or how much money you have, or what color your skin is, or what language you speak, or how old you are, or who your friends are?

That no one should be locked in room for over 20 years and NO ONE came looking for a missing child. 

That those with assets totaling $5 million or more—comprised approximately 0.1% of the world's population should NOT be making decisions, or holding power over the REST OF US.

What if I'm tired of being a woman, trying to find love in a world where men, women, and children are shot down and killed over land, over religion, over ideology.  

What am I supposed to do about it?   Paint a sign, stand in front of a building, and yell?  Or how about call my government, or email, or write a letter or two?  Am i just too stupid to see the point of that?

Does it now, or will it ever even matter.

Humans are shit. 

Trust myself

 I know the difference between a good man and a sketchy one.  Why?  Because i've delt with many sketchy men.

I blame this on myself.  I was a walking beacon for men looking to take advantage of a woman stupid enough to be happy with the tiniest effort (when absolutely necessary) when I was giving my entire self.

Low self esteem will attract scum.

Well lets all be grateful i've finally found mine!  A little late to the party, but at least it finally showed up.

I've been accused of giving up too quickly, cutting men out too fast- which is the exact opposite of what i used to do.......which was try to prove to them that i was a worthy woman.

Mr. Saybrook.  Last year i saw him for a bit, and i thought he was flakey.  He wouldn't make plans ahead of time, was always flying by the seat of his pants...........and he had a "roommate" that was moving out.  Red flag anyone?  However, i was still feeling sore over Mr. Tattoo (i know, i know!) and he was fairly good company when i saw him.  

I've been in shut down when it comes to sleeping with these guys.........I learned my lesson the hard way.  So i have that to be grateful for.  We never did.  And he put a LOT of effort into trying.  We parted ways because i told him i make plans ahead of time and i was never available for him.  

So this time around when he started reaching out I ignored him.  I'm so tired of these assholes.  One day, on a whim i asked him what was different now that he thought we should connect?  He gave me a story that sounded valid.  I asked him about his roommate?  Gone since before Christmas.  Okay.  So what do you want?  Let the love bombing begin.

I figure, i'm not dating anyone - lets see how far this goes.  We meet up a few times, hes consistently texting and calling, and i go to his house so we can go for ride.  We live an hour apart from each other and the weather wasn't great where i am, so that seemed reasonable.  

He shows me his home, he starts to kiss me, and i say "we aren't going for a ride are we?" and i'm ready to bail.  That moves his ass to the bike pretty quickly.  Bud, i'm not here to fuck you.  The ride was wonderful, he has a luxury bike and it was nice to sit and feel the air freeze my face off.....no, really, it was.  It felt amazing.  It was nice to have a handsome man sitting between my legs and have my hands keeping warm in his pockets.  I could almost imagine this happening a lot.  

We see each other a couple of times, and nope, i'm still not sleeping with him.  There's been no talk of exclusivity, or anything like it.  And Mr. Saybrook begins to become sketchy again.  No more love bombing, no more texting, or calling as much.  I hate to say it, but I told me so. 

I belong to that group on facebook, the "are we dating the same man" group.  People have their feelings about it, but listen, if someone posted me in a "are we dating the same woman" group, i'm coming up golden.  So i posted his picture and asked if there was any tea, or red flags?  Thats what this group is about and believe me..............men get called out.

Now, you have to use your discretion.   Women can be crazy too. (lolololololol) but when MANY women come out with "i'm also seeing him" thats fine........we aren't exclusive.  Then the red flags......Apparently i found myself a loverboy that lies his ass off and asks every woman he dates to move in.

Ew.

I know this type of man.  I went bankrupt for my stupid year of faith.  But thats another story.  

There is nothing sweeter than a man who needs another income to keep his home.  And then.......there is nothing worse than living in a shithole with an asshole who has zero motivation to do anything about it.

Enough said.

So last night i interacted with the women who have recently and currently been dating him and we all had the same story.  EXCEPT i had not slept with him.  And let me tell you the relief i feel is real. Everyone had the impression he's a nice man, and that they were the only ones dating him.  The ones who he has been dragging along for a year, or two, or EIGHT, were not happy about this revelation. What they do with it is there business, but i promptly texted Mr. Saybrook and told him to take me off his distribution list and not contact me again.  Then i blocked him, since i know he will come around again when he thinks i've forgotten.

These guys.  

Then there's Mr. Jersey.  He's up front about his situation, what he's looking for, and he is discreet but honest.  So far.  He's not a boyfriend type............but there is a place in every womans life for a man like him.  

Mr Music, I'm not interested in being his groupie.  I will however, follow his bands and remain friends.

So there is the update.  Still single.  Still happy.  Still peaceful. 

Its no good when i wonder

 I remember dating a guy briefly who would always tell me when he was going to call again, and he would ask me out for the next time before we ended the current date.  That was truly unique, in that I have never heard of, or had, a man treat me so consistently.  We weren't a match, but I still remember how respectful he was and how nice it was not to wonder.

When i start to wonder, it's not a good thing.

I don't like it.  I don't like open ends left hanging. If you don't know, say you don't know when the next time we will get together will be.  I'll decide if you are worth waiting for.

Thats the thing with men, they want to hold all the cards and we women generally let them.

Not anymore.  Not me. 

I will NOT wonder.

I found that mans consistency so attractive that i can't go back.  He showed interest and didn't make me wonder.  These games men play are not attractive, do not make us want them more- it actually ruins any good feelings we may be developing.

Here's the rule:  If you have to wonder if he likes you, he doesn't.

When they all of a sudden drop out of sight, and then come back with pebble texting it's not cute.  It's not exciting.  For me.........it's a major turn off.

And i like that about me.  I never used to have boundaries and i always felt like i was spinning at their will.  Not. Anymore.    Never. Again.

So when Mr. Saybrook doesn't text or call last night.........i didn't sit and stress.  I put it out of my head.  I didn't think what else he might be doing, or if he was going to call me again.  Or all the stupid thoughts that used to roll around in my mind not allowing me to think about anything else.  I think thats obsession, or addiction.....and i've seen it, acknowledged it, and moved away from it.

My life is my life and i invite people into it as long as they don't disrupt my peace.  Last night i colored and listened to my audio book and before i knew it, it was passed 10pm which is late for me.  I went to bed and crashed.  I had a peaceful evening.

This morning i get the obligatory "good morning" text and I don't have that giddy feeling.  Something has changed.  It might be me.  But this is how you find out if something is real. If you are really interested.

Or maybe not?

I am finding that the "let them" approach (no i haven't read the book yet) is working for me.  I do my thing, and let them do their thing and don't worry about what is or isn't going to happen.  If i find myself worrying, or wondering.........that's not a good sign.  It doesn't mean CHASE to prove i am worthy.

Like i did with Mr. Tattoo.  Like i did with the ex.  Because neither was a prize to win.  And i AM worthy.

stay in control

 What in interesting weekend.

Had myself a back and forth texting session with the ex which led to me ignoring him.  What a nice change of pace.  I got a full dose of what he wants, he wants.  Regardless of what I want.  I'm happy to have a friendship with him due to spending so many years with him.  I don't need any further apology or explanation for how we ended things.  I'm over it.  I've moved on, i'm in a better place because of it.  He's not.  But that was his choice.  We all have to live with our choices.

I know how it feels now, to just not answer when someone is waiting for your response.  I do NOT feel beholden to anyone, to do ANYTHING, including basic manners, when pushed past my limits.

Behave or be gone.

So Friday was a shitty day with me feeling very depressed for what reason?  no idea.  But those texts snapped me out of it and made me wake up. So thank you for that i guess.

I told Mr. Saybrook that i wasn't feeling well because i didn't want to explain that i go to dark places sometimes and just need to be left alone. I was surprised when he came back with "let me know if you need anything"....which i thought was an appropriate, however, surprising response from a man. 

The next morning when he contacted me i told him i wasn't "sick" but just blue the day before and he asked me how he could make me smile.

What?

Sir, if i knew the answer to that question i'd be smiling all the time.

Then he invited me to his house, to take a ride along the shoreline on his bike.

What do you think i did?

I had a dinner date with my girlfriend that night and told him i had to leave by a certain time and could that happen if i showed up?  He said he would make it happen.

So i went.  

It has been so long since my butt has been seated on the back of a bike. It felt MAGNIFICANT. And i felt safe, and secure.  He didn't pull any stunts.  We went for a nice long ride and it was cold but exhilarating.   I put my hands in his pockets because i forgot gloves and he would reach back and rub my leg periodically for a check in.  The thing about being on the back of a bike is you are literally placing your life in that persons hands.  Things can go wrong fast.  You have to just let go and relax because there is no other option.  And when you let go.......you feel it in the pit of your stomach and the roots of your hair.  If you are riding with someone who cares about you, there is no reason to be on guard for the fast accelerations or the sudden movements.....when someone wants you to enjoy the ride with them it's completely different than someone who feels like they "have to" take you.

I was such an idiot for so long.  And when someone shows me how it is supposed to be...it's a light going off in my head.  "ah ha!"  Terror shouldn't be an emotion  that pleases your partner.  Got it.

He got me back to his house in time to get to my dinner date.  We had one of those romantic fire kisses that made my toes tingle and i was off.

I love my girl Sarah.  We've been through ups and downs - disagreements, tears, good times, horrible times......and always come through.  She cooked dinner for me and we sat and caught up on whats been going on in our lives.  She laughed at me because currently, i'm talking to 3 different men, although only one has actual potential.  

Theres Mr. Muscician who is hot and fun to flirt with but i have zero interest in being a side piece or groupie. His attention is flattering but he was friend zoned as soon as he told me he has a girlfriend.  I will never do to another woman what was done to me. 

Then there's Mr. Jersey who I could easily fall head over heels in love with.  He is the whole package.  And........he lives in Jersey and has his own situation that seems not yet finished.  We shared an incredibly passionate kiss where i saw fireworks after a night of talking non stop for hours.  What can possibly come from this?  Realistically?  I am aware he probably has a different "friend" in every state his travels to because of his job.  He's not lying about it, or bragging.  He will never be the introduce to friends, go on vacation, kind of relationship.  However, i am extremely drawn to him.  This, i believe, is the remnants of my past reminding me that i'm not worth more, than i should accept scraps.  So you see....i'm not blind to what is happening here.

Finally, there is Mr. Saybrook.  Is he perfect? no.  Am I? no.  He is blonde hair blue eyes and very attractive.  Taller than I am, a lot.  Bigger than i am.  I feel very feminine next to him.  He is polite, chivalrous, kind.....and yet, i pause on getting in over my head.  I will be taking a long slow time getting to know this man.  And he will allow it or he won't.  That is up to him.  He is relationship material.  Available, has a good job, owns a home, doesn't do drugs, drinks very little.  He is 61.  We connected last year and it didn't work out.  He had things going on his life that seemed overly complicated to me as a new relationship.  So i let him go.  And he came back.

So while my friends think i'm having the time of my life....... i kinda am.  And i intend to continue.  Its about damn time. 

THAT's how to do it

 Last nights date was pretty damn near perfect.

He was on time, he met me in the parking lot, nice hug hello.  He looks just like what i thought he would look like.  Handsome, taller than i am, slim build, and stylin.  He has great style....

We talked non-stop about everything, a nice back and forth.  He asked questions and answered mine.  We didn't agree on everything but that made it even better.

We closed the restaurant, and only left because we aren't assholes.

So we stood talking in the parking lot, continuing the good vibes.

Finally, i said i should go- and then the KISS.  gooooooood lord.  An outstanding kisser.   Literally, standing in an empty parking lot....ME....the one who hates kissing in public. 

And i enjoyed every minute of it.  Very much.

He did the thing.  Got out of his car, tapped on my window, and gave me another outstanding kiss when i rolled it down.

See.......that works for me.  It means i'm not alone in my enjoyment.

Could it have turned into more?  Moved back to his hotel?  Possibly.  But to be honest, i didn't want it to only because i actually really like him a lot now that we've met in person.  

Do i think this will turn into something? Not really.  He's very involved with his life, as am I.  The distance is enough to make it too much over a long period of time.  It will never be a typical type relationship.

HOWEVER - I can't wait to see where this does go.  Both of us are not trapped in the have to's of what everything "should" be.  I can see this developing into a unique and precious union of the minds - and bodies eventually.

Hell yeah, i wanted more.  But i'm proud of myself.  This lesson of taking care of myself with my brain and not my hormones has been working out incredibly, and has not led me wrong.  We have time.  

IF he comes back through and lets me know, i will absolutely make time for him.  Next time, i won't hold back now that i know what's in his kiss......FIRE.  

It's nice not to project or reject based on anything other than what is good for me, and how it makes ME feel.  

All first dates should be like this one was.  

hello, is it me you're looking for?

 I forgot what i nicknamed this guy when i went on a few dates with him over the summer....I know I thought he was flakey, and that there was a lot going on in the background.  He could never make an actual date, everything was very last minute and contingent on a lot of things......I lost interest quickly.

Blonde hair, nice bike, house....all the trappings.  He's back, insistantly back.  I'm talking with him, but not expecting much by way of actually dating.  He said his medication made him inconsistent while he was seeing me and he didn't want to say that.  

Everyone is on medication for depression and anxiety.  What does that tell you?

I hit him with some direct questions, one of them being "whats changed that you think it will work this time?"  and that was the answer i got.  

I get the sneaking suspicion he is looking for someone to share the mortgage with.  Am i cynical?  perhaps.  But it's on my radar.

So lets see how that develops.  

Tonight i have dinner with Mr. Jersey.  I'm looking forward to meeting him in person, finally.  He is staying at a hotel in town so there's no rush.  It will be nice to go out and have good conversation with a good looking and pulled together male.  

Don't get me wrong, i date good looking guys all the time.  Mr. Jersey just has a nice sense of fashion and exudes sexuality without being too much.  This is going to be fun.

Friday i go to see Mr. Muscian play acoustic ...he invited me to go and i am.  Lets see if i get the same attention i got Saturday night when i was with a bunch of hot ladies.  I don't know why i'm going, other than to get out of the house.  His situation is not dateable.  

Not bad for an old lady.  Three men lined up and only one is actually dateable, and even that is questionable.  I'm keeping an open mind.  At our age we've been through stuff.  

One is the lonliest number that you'll ever see. 

Who am I?

 Tomorrow after work i'm meeting a man i've been talking to for a while online.  He's an influencer that i connected with over thrifting of all things.  Then music, and on and on.

That, AND he is attractive.  Irish.  Tats. Red head........I know, I know.  

He' a jersey guy so not incredibly far, but far enough.  Flirtatious, yes.  He travels a lot for his job and he likes to meet people.  We enjoy talking to each other so when he asked if i was available on Wednesday, i agreed to meet up with him for dinner.

I started out this year with the plan to have 52 first dates, or until i meet the love of my life.  I realize that this is a huge endevour and takes a LOT of time.  Its made me realize i don't have that kind of time and if I DID i have other ways i'd like to spend it.

But of course, i'm still saying "yes" to meeting men who ask me out who don't give me the creeps.   I check them out, vet them, and meet them.  So far, so good.  I'm learning way more about myself than i am about them though.  I'm pushing through my negative self talk, i'm just enjoying the moment.

So Mr. Jersey- I'm looking forward to meeting him.  In his grwm videos he slaps on some cologne each time and it always makes me wonder what he smells like.

Work is killing me - it's my busy time and it just keeps coming and coming and coming....i know there is an end to it, kind of, because it's my project.  I've got a LOT of balls in the air trying to coordinate what is coming up and who needs a kick in the butt to make deadlines.  My boss is semi-retiring this summer and will only be staying part time for a year after.  He is stepping down and that is leaving a lot of unanswered questions for what my position will look like after he leaves.  He is in his 80's......I knew this was coming.  I'm still sad because working with him has been the best time of my whole career.  He is brilliant, kind and patient.  He is also an outstanding teacher, as i know first hand.  I found this job out of desperation to get out of a bad one.......and landed exactly where i was meant to be.  

The future is a little blurry- but i'm told not to worry.  So i won't.  But I can be sad for a period of time that will be coming to an end. How often does someone like me get to work with a Nuerosurgeon as a partner? He has shown me how this plan works and i have taken it and run with it......He calls it my baby and says he has complete faith that i have it under control. Yes, i do idolize him a bit.  Yes, he is a bit of a father figure to me- his praise is everything.  I see/hear him handle some providers that are ....difficult....with grace and style.  No one messes with him.  He is truly that old world gentleman that you do not want to screw with.  

okay enough free flow writing for now.  

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.  

I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.  

Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.  

But PJs.  

No.  

On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends.

Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello and see what happens next.

Fuck it.  I go inside.  The bar is, of course, at the very rear of the building so i make a beeline for it to put a drink in my hand before i find him.  The band is set up before the bar and I see him, looking at his phone.  I walk over and ask him if the band is any good because i'll go get my cover charge back if not.

And we take off.  I try not to stare, but i'm counting the piercings on his face - looking at the tattoos on his hands and neck....he has a FULL head of hair, long.  And he is a big guy.  I feel small.  I'm taking him in, cracking jokes, and someone comes over to talk to him.  He says hang on one sec, and i say i'm hitting the bar and ask if he wants anything.  He doesn't drink.  (I knew this) I walk away and when I return, beer in hand, they are still there talking.  So i keep going... I walk around, check out the place.  See someone I know and say hello for few minutes.  I see him, seeing me.

I like that.

As i take another tour he catches me and says, "come with me".......and we go around behind the band into the "green" room.  (I think to myself, i'm 57 and FINALLY going backstage haha)  He doesn't want to be interrupted, he wants to tell me about his relationship status (As he said he would) in person.

And he does.

I'm attracted to this man.  And i get the distinct feeling he is attracted to me.  BUT....He is not what i consider to be available.  And i don't play in other women's backyards, so.......while i want to jump this mans bones, i immediately put him into the friend category.  I'm not a one and done.  I'm not a side peice, or "entertainment'.  I am glad he talked to me about it.  I'm not responsible for his relationship, HOWEVER, you get what you deserve.

I deserve my own relationship, that i don't have to share.  With or without knowledge of it.  I've had my life blown apart by that behavior, and i've engaged in all kinds of relationships since that time- to try and understand, why am i not enough?

I was asking the wrong question.  Yes, i could have just made it clear i was up for a good time, just have an experience and enjoy it.  Don't be so thinky about everything.  But thats not who i am. 

My friends arrived, and it was time for the band to go on.  I danced, i sang (so much and loud that my voice was gone the next day) I talked to probably everybody and laughed my ass off.  I had SUCH a good time.  My body hurts still from all the dancing it's not used to.  And the whole time i was very aware of him.

And him me.

okay, and the ladies i was with.  Cuz, they are fire.

He came to sit next to me at our table at each break, until he had to go on again.  At the end of the night he asked me for a hug when we were all getting ready to leave.  My gf, who is a fireball, jumped on him and wanted a group hug.  This is so much her that i thought it was hysterical.  He went along with it for a second (really, what guy wouldn't???) and then i got my full on frontal embrace...

Jesus.

I understand how it happens, but no fucking way am i ever going to be that woman.

I won't stop talking to him.  If what he says is real, then maybe he will be available eventually and we can take it from there if we are both single and interested.

Jesus.

I can't hold contempt for what my ex did to me and then consider doing the same. I can understand what it feels like to meet someone you wish you were single for.  

Shrug.

It's the difference between having self worth, and not. 

I didn't always.  I chased my value in other peoples opinions of me, and to extent i still measure my worth on outside measures. But i could never base my happiness (which would be temporary) in someone elses tears.

It was fun to flirt and dance and sing and be with my friends and go home alone and still feel good about myself.  I made a new friend.  I reinforced my enjoyment of live music in small venues. 

 And i went inside a bar by myself to meet a boy in a band....:) 

Politics for Dummies

 I wonder if this is a book i can borrow?  I need it.

Being a United States citizen, being born and raised here by parents who were also born and raised here, has always been something i've taken for granted.  Plus, I'm white.  I have not faced discrimination (to my knowledge) nor have i ever felt uncomfortable anywhere i've gone.  I've never felt like I didn't "belong" or that there was literally anything i couldn't do.

That is privilege.  And most privileged people are clueless ABOUT their privilege because they've never had to think about it.  THAT is privilege. 

If you take the time to sit down and listen, watch, learn what other peoples life experiences are, you cannot deny it.  There is no shame in acknowledging it......the more people who acknowledge it the better because then we can even out the playing field.

But people get mad, they get defensive.  They say they haven't had a good life just because they are white in the United States of America. They suffer too!!  

These are the scary people.  They are afraid if everyone has the same opportunities and comforts there will be less for them.  They feel righteous.  Angry.  Fearful.  

All the ethnic groups that stood behind Trump, all the women ...........was having more money in your pocket (which apparently he meant LESS) more important than anything else?

Yes, government needed to get a check.  Yes, we need to cut the fat and have accountability within government.  There is no denying that.  Our government has been corrupt and feeding off of it's citizens and no one can deny that.  If they do, they are blind, or rich.  How Trump (Elon) is going about it is not the way to do it.  There are PEOPLE on the other end of those jobs.  I bet there are people who voted for him on the other end of those jobs.  This slash and burn method is meant to be a good show.  It has no regard for the people being affected that applied for jobs to support their lives.......The ones at the top will never suffer a sleepless night wondering how to pay the mortgage.

Housing, food, basic needs should never cost more than what the poorest person can afford.  No one should be living on the streets, or not have food in their belly or medical care.  From what i'm told, that is a socialist standpoint.  That makes me a communist?  

I'm not political.  Never have been until this last election.  Yes, i have voted, but just like many other americans, have literally no idea what i'm voting FOR.  This war between democrats and republicans is a huge deterrant to learning more.  Most people don't purposely jump into a shitbath.  So i'm guilty of being ignorant.

My feeling is that even the most knowledgable people regarding our government don't know what the hell is going on either.

That should change.  

Trump is all over the place saying a lot of nothing.  Every day.  It's the same shit over and over.  He riles up his supporters, and the democrats make a big show of being angry.  It's ridiculous and embarrassing

Here's the scariest part for me.  While this mortifies me,  I feel susceptible to the retoric.  Criminals need to be deported.  Government spending needs to be more transparent.  There should be less government in our personal lives.  America should be self-sustaining and I agree that we shouldn't be loaning out money while at the same time OWING it.  I do not fully understand the finances because the government is purposely obtuse, manipulative and deceitful in how they go about getting and disbursing it.  Bills shouldn't be the size of books.  Each bill should be written in layman's terms and publically posted for the citizen to read and understand so they can communicate with their elected officials. 

But what i see happening is PEOPLE being gathered up, put on planes and sent to countries they didn't even come from to be held prisoner in hotels?  Families that have not committed crimes. And we ARE paying for it, dumb dumbs!  So it's literally worthless.  It's inhumane, its a show of power, its disgusting. 

I am rambling about a topic i know little about aside from the news which i listen to from all over the world.  I think.  Because we are being censored and have been fed bullshit by our media for a long time.  Trump being in office has made it worse.  Now it's a reality show.  And it's scripted just like the other reality shows.  

Blah Blah.  I'm hopeless, confused, mortified and destroyed over how people in THIS country are acting  and treating each other.  Add into that what is happening in other countries and i feel so hopeless to do anything about it.  There will come a time when all the hopeless people will need to rise.

That time is coming.

PEOPLE from ALL countries deserve to live in peace. No one is better than anyone else.  We are different and those differences should be cherished and celebrated, not feared.  The ridiculously wealthy people should not be running the show......should NOT be in politics because they cannot represent the people.  I don't care what they call themselves, or what country they live in.  Be wealthy, but not on the backs of the people.  Be wealthy, but not worshipped because of it.  Money doesn't care.

Don't worry, be happy

 Here i am trying to pay down all my credit and it looks like this may the busiest year for travel that i've had to date. 

 I'll be going to florida this summer. It's not any hotter there than it is here only there are BEACHES that are gorgeous.  This time it looks like shenanigans will be going as well so it will be interesting to see how it goes.  A weekend away is different than a week away.  It has been the most relaxing week of my year  for several years now......this is an experiment.  JD are the most generous couple and without them i would never be able to vacation at ALL.

And they've invited me on a separate trip.  A "destination" trip that has yet to be decided.  So while i'm paying down my cards, i'm trying to save money for life and for these trips.

With the way things are going in the world - i'm not going to feel bad for living while i can.  Who knows what changes the next few years will bring.  Somehow i don't think i'm going to all of a sudden be rich.

So there's that.

Last night i was scrolling and sometimes i hit on things that just scream my ex.  So i sent it to him and laughed my ass off.  I spent some time texting back and forth with him and actually enjoying it.  Usually i will get triggered at some point but nope.  Just a funny bantering with the full knowledge that this is what it is and nothing more.

No, i will not be sleeping with him ever again.  That's a pandora's box of emotion that i refuse to revisit.  Friends is good.  We spent a lot of time together.  We know each other.  And thats even MORE reason to never revisit that path again.  

Let's see....what else?  Oh yesterday a woman passed me at work in the hall, turned around, said "excuse me" and then proceeded to tell me that she's passed me before and that i smell wonderful.  She asked me what perfume i use?  That was nice.  It put a little lift in my steps.  I try to remember the nice things people say and do because..........well, maybe that should be the norm not the exception.

This morning in the elevator i had a realization that more people at work know me, than i know them.  People i do not recognize say "good morning Maribeth" and that also feels both good and bad.  How do they know me? And i sure hope it's a good knowing of me.  I've been here 6 years now and moved around enough to know quite a few people.  I love my job.  My career.  

That's enough for today.  My fingers are going to fall off.  It's my busy time of year and the day is going to FLY.

is it me?

 I have a friend going to jail in May for a year.  It was a stupid thing, but it happened.  I could almost see myself doing the same thing he did if i was in a similar situation.

Friday i want to go see a band at a place that is not that far from me.  I'm pausing though, because i know that a guy i used to see will be  there with his girlfriend who is just.......trashy.  She's one of those that likes to start shit for no apparent reason.

The last time i was at the establishment to see a band he showed without her up and left me alone.  Smart.  But his girlfriend has reached out to me in the past with some cray cray - i'm not sure she isn't special needs.  

I don't know why this happens to me.  Well, maybe i understand why my ex's coocoo bird reached out - but i'm pretty sure she won't again.  People tend to forget that they got exactly what they wanted and that i'm not interested.

This one though, he was ....a wannabe badass who gets told what to do by the crazy chicks he hooks up with.  I told him when i met him, i'm going to bore you- I don't fight, i don't like drama and i sure as hell don't want it in a man. I'm the only ex (if you want to classify it as a relationship) of his to live.  I'm not kidding.  He should stick to the crazies because i'm not the one to try and drive crazy.  Been there, done that...i know the signs and i run. 

Which brings me back to the friend going away.  He knows her, them - but he didn't know i know them until today.  I told him i want to go, but not alone because of this possibility. 

I won't get into legal trouble because my career won't allow it.  I have too much to lose.  He won't get into trouble because of his court case.  But let me tell you - no one is going to start shit with him.  Or me if i'm with him.  Those patches are great deflectors.  Especially when these two are apparently trying to cozy up with that MC.  

I don't date patches.  Never have.  Never will.  I'm too needy to be blown off constantly, and coming second to a club and a bike never seemed attractive to me.  Even though......well, lets say my brain wins every time in that situation.  I have friends that are friends because of who they are, not the patch they wear. I don't wear in support of anything.  Thats not my scene even  though bikers are probably the best people on earth.  You know exactly what you get with them, no bullshit.  And if you need help somewhere it's them that aren't afraid to step in.  

Plus i don't think i'm tough enough.  Frankly.  I can't hang like that.  I do actually get scared sometimes! 

Comes down to it, i know i won't go unless he does. And it would be fun to hook up with him again.  He's fun.  And he doesn't get attached.

Anyways, different topic:  i forgot to say that a guy i was talking to on FB dating: We exchanged phone numbers and then all his "stuff" came pouring out.  You know, he's "in the process of divorcing" (NOPE NOPE NOPE) and how he keeps getting into trouble at work but it's all everybody elses fault..........Yes, i ghosted that mother fucker.  I don't have time for this kind of man.

Is this what i attract?  I mean, i did date the nice guy a couple of times. What is it about me?  Am i wearing a sign on my head?  Lord, i may go back to therapy if this keeps happening.  

Third wheel isn't so bad

 I spent the weekend away again - actually worked from Milford in order to beat the traffic that ususally makes the one hour ride, two hours.   Neither of my friends were home, i was told to just make myself at home.

So i set up shop at their kitchen table and worked until it was time to stop.  Read my book and cuddled in the recliner with Miyagi until they arrived home.  

If you had told me i would be spending many of my weekends with this couple I wouldn't have believed you. I'm a homebody.  I like my space, my quiet, my no answering to or having to talk to anyone.  And yet, I'm never stressed out with them.  They are family.

Saturday i had my very first massage that wasn't part of physical therapy.  Jen took me, and laughed when i kept saying "1 and 1/2 hours?  And i have to take my clothes off?".....she told me to relax and stop it.  Just do it.  Well we did and let me tell you.........i'll be doing it again.  That was lovely.

And then Saturday night Shenanigans (whats left of us) arrived and we drank and ate and kept changing the music on Alexa while we played games.  We had a little fun poking at somebody who has recently detached from us due to politics.  

So dumb.  But okay, byeeeeeee.

Once you turn your back on me and walk away i'm all set.  No chasing, no upset, just done.  I've spent too many years of my life chasing people who weren't worthy of my time - and if you can't use your words and have an adult conversation with me about whatever it is bothering you, and your choice is to disappear?  Stay gone.  You were never a friend to me.

I keep my friends, wether they see me a lot, or only talk to me once a year, they are my friend.  If i called them in need, they would be there. If they called me in need, i would be there.  Time means nothing.  Actions and how you show up for each other mean everything.

And if i can laugh and be myself with you that's saying a LOT.  I'm a slow warm.

Give me an ultimatum; tell me i can't associate with someone without losing you?  Bye. Thats not how i live.  I never fit into any one group in my life and i'm not starting now.

It will hurt.  And then it won't.  Life goes on.

Anyways- I fell off the dating cart again.  I can't seem to drum up any interest or time.  It could be the men, but more likely it's me.  I'm busy.  I'm happy.  I'm living life without drama.  

Mr. Music will become a friend i think.  I'm going to see him play this weekend and that should be fun.  He's a muscian so he has a lot of friends/acquaintances.  I'm not sure there would  be room in his life for anything more and i don't know how i would handle all the adoring females.  Putting the cart ahead of me again, although, he does seem to be interested in continuing to talk and meet. Who knows. Maybe he has a big ego and won't like that i'm not googoo over him because of his career.  Not much impresses me beyond being a good person.  He does seem like that so far.

Back to work week.  It's my busy  time so i'm brain tired.