stay in control

 What in interesting weekend.

Had myself a back and forth texting session with the ex which led to me ignoring him.  What a nice change of pace.  I got a full dose of what he wants, he wants.  Regardless of what I want.  I'm happy to have a friendship with him due to spending so many years with him.  I don't need any further apology or explanation for how we ended things.  I'm over it.  I've moved on, i'm in a better place because of it.  He's not.  But that was his choice.  We all have to live with our choices.

I know how it feels now, to just not answer when someone is waiting for your response.  I do NOT feel beholden to anyone, to do ANYTHING, including basic manners, when pushed past my limits.

Behave or be gone.

So Friday was a shitty day with me feeling very depressed for what reason?  no idea.  But those texts snapped me out of it and made me wake up. So thank you for that i guess.

I told Mr. Saybrook that i wasn't feeling well because i didn't want to explain that i go to dark places sometimes and just need to be left alone. I was surprised when he came back with "let me know if you need anything"....which i thought was an appropriate, however, surprising response from a man. 

The next morning when he contacted me i told him i wasn't "sick" but just blue the day before and he asked me how he could make me smile.

What?

Sir, if i knew the answer to that question i'd be smiling all the time.

Then he invited me to his house, to take a ride along the shoreline on his bike.

What do you think i did?

I had a dinner date with my girlfriend that night and told him i had to leave by a certain time and could that happen if i showed up?  He said he would make it happen.

So i went.  

It has been so long since my butt has been seated on the back of a bike. It felt MAGNIFICANT. And i felt safe, and secure.  He didn't pull any stunts.  We went for a nice long ride and it was cold but exhilarating.   I put my hands in his pockets because i forgot gloves and he would reach back and rub my leg periodically for a check in.  The thing about being on the back of a bike is you are literally placing your life in that persons hands.  Things can go wrong fast.  You have to just let go and relax because there is no other option.  And when you let go.......you feel it in the pit of your stomach and the roots of your hair.  If you are riding with someone who cares about you, there is no reason to be on guard for the fast accelerations or the sudden movements.....when someone wants you to enjoy the ride with them it's completely different than someone who feels like they "have to" take you.

I was such an idiot for so long.  And when someone shows me how it is supposed to be...it's a light going off in my head.  "ah ha!"  Terror shouldn't be an emotion  that pleases your partner.  Got it.

He got me back to his house in time to get to my dinner date.  We had one of those romantic fire kisses that made my toes tingle and i was off.

I love my girl Sarah.  We've been through ups and downs - disagreements, tears, good times, horrible times......and always come through.  She cooked dinner for me and we sat and caught up on whats been going on in our lives.  She laughed at me because currently, i'm talking to 3 different men, although only one has actual potential.  

Theres Mr. Muscician who is hot and fun to flirt with but i have zero interest in being a side piece or groupie. His attention is flattering but he was friend zoned as soon as he told me he has a girlfriend.  I will never do to another woman what was done to me. 

Then there's Mr. Jersey who I could easily fall head over heels in love with.  He is the whole package.  And........he lives in Jersey and has his own situation that seems not yet finished.  We shared an incredibly passionate kiss where i saw fireworks after a night of talking non stop for hours.  What can possibly come from this?  Realistically?  I am aware he probably has a different "friend" in every state his travels to because of his job.  He's not lying about it, or bragging.  He will never be the introduce to friends, go on vacation, kind of relationship.  However, i am extremely drawn to him.  This, i believe, is the remnants of my past reminding me that i'm not worth more, than i should accept scraps.  So you see....i'm not blind to what is happening here.

Finally, there is Mr. Saybrook.  Is he perfect? no.  Am I? no.  He is blonde hair blue eyes and very attractive.  Taller than I am, a lot.  Bigger than i am.  I feel very feminine next to him.  He is polite, chivalrous, kind.....and yet, i pause on getting in over my head.  I will be taking a long slow time getting to know this man.  And he will allow it or he won't.  That is up to him.  He is relationship material.  Available, has a good job, owns a home, doesn't do drugs, drinks very little.  He is 61.  We connected last year and it didn't work out.  He had things going on his life that seemed overly complicated to me as a new relationship.  So i let him go.  And he came back.

So while my friends think i'm having the time of my life....... i kinda am.  And i intend to continue.  Its about damn time.