second chances?

 I hold my friends in high regard.  I try to be a friend that is also held in high regard. Do we both get disapointed sometimes?  i'm sure.  But that's part of being a real friend.  You don't love the parts, you love the whole, regardless.

Its that trite phrase: Friends are family we choose.

I tend to keep mine.  Once you are my friend, thats that.  Done deal.  Until you prove to me that you are not genuine, or you are a racist, misogynist, narcissist.......oh, wait, that's ex boyfriends.......

I've had falling outs with my bestie over the years because we've been friends for over 50 years.  We went through lots of growth.  And here we still are, always will be.  Some friends i made during the pandemic (online groups) have become some of my closest and dearest in just a few short years.  Others have fallen to the wayside because the connection was never more than fleeting.

Once i'm bonded with you, i'm there.  You can't get rid of me.

UNLESS- you purposefully hurt me.  Because friends know all the hurt spots.  Friends protect you from them, they don't stick their finger in and twist.

Which is what my girl "M" did.  And she did it spectacularly when she completely ignored me, made her rounds, then turned her back to me and walked out the door.  She knew it was a big FUCK YOU to me.  Message received.

Did it hurt?  oh yeah.  It did.  But i've learned not to chase someone who feels comfortable hurting me.  

We had had a disagreement.  It was a business deal we both wanted to do, but her "man" put himself into it and had feelings about my friend who was going to financially (and silently) back us until we could pay him back.  It's a long story, and i've got nothing nice to say about her choice in men, so i'll leave it at that.

But that wasn't enough for him.  Next he started working on me personally, and the friend group that i had formed and invited her into as someone i love.  The group happens to be white people.  Just like when i met "M" the group i was the minority being white.  It never occurred to me to be counting.  Or judging.  It just was what it was because of the circles we were in.  And we, her and I, combined friends, not colors.

He made it about that though, privately to her.  And it came out flying out of her face during a heated discussion between us (because things were very heated between us always) when she said "you only want me around your white friends as entertainment".

Which knocked the wind out of me.  I felt like she throat punched me.  Like the feelings i have for her meant nothing.  Add to the fact that my "white" friends adored her.  I did not know SHE had any feelings like this.  And the more i talked to her i found out WHERE those thoughts had come from.  HIM.  The asshole who didn't like that she had us, that we were all aware she deserved better than what he was offering her.

Its so much more complicated, and it doesn't feel good to share her personal history here - but lets say we all have our patterns that pull us backward when we are trying to grow ahead.  Thats all i will say on that.

From the moment i met "M" i was in awe of her.  She stands 6ft tall,  plus sized, and wearing stilettos, walked into the room like "i'm here! let the party begin" the first time i saw her.  I couldn't keep my eyes off of her as she worked the room like she knew everyone in it.  She sparkled.  She owned her space.  She EXPECTED your adoration. 

The next time i saw her was at a party where she noticed me not having a nice experience with a pushy male.  She interceded, and basically saved me.  From that moment on, we were glued together.  Every party, every weekend away, every social gathering.  We would sit on my porch for hours drinking wine and offloading our past onto each other.  We are both fucked up.  And our fuckedupedness identified with each other.  And there was love.  Big love.

Until he came into the picture and everyone else began to fall away from her because thats where she pushed them.  I was one of the last, and i didn't fall away - she slammed the door on me.  My friends all knew i was devastated.  But we all went on.  Continued with her space leaving an emptiness.  She wasn't entertainment.  She was loved.  

Is loved.

But sometimes shit happens.  She made her choices.  

Yesterday she reached out to me via text.  Again, i don't feel it's appropriate to share her words or her life here.  I felt it was genuine.  She asked if i would consider meeting her for drinks.  I agreed.  We are getting together tomorrow night.  

At the very least, i can listen to her.  How do you forgive someone for living their life and choosing to remove you from it?   Aren't we allowed to do that?  I have no expectations other than hearing her out.  Hell, I've done it for ex boyfriends, why not someone i held in higher regard than any man i've ever been with?

Friend to me is sacred.  Friend is safety.  Friend is comfort.  Friend is healing.  Friend is shared history.

But it is not unconditional.

My children, my grandchild.  Those are the only unconditional loves in my life.  

So.  We will see if i regret this meet or not.  We are both strong personalities.