Married men and COVID

 Yesterday someone from my past popped up.  I've referred to him before, the guy I dated shortly that works at the same place as me (although in a different department and building which is how I foolishly justified it) The one that turned out to still be married?  But I only found out about THAT recently due to my taking a new job within the same company and working with people who know him.  So I found out by overhearing a conversation.

Now I have to say I've dated a married man, although, I had no knowledge of it. 

Men are shit.

Some men.

The men I pick.

Anyways, he found my social media and commented and now thinks I want to have conversations with him.  Because of what happened to him, and his health, his memory seems off.  I have no sympathy.  No care.  No interest.  He is still the guy that cheated on his wife and lied to me and I'm going to bet many others.

I never even counted him as a relationship.  He was an experience.  And turned out not a good one.  Although I learned a lot from him, found a whole new world because of him, he also put his hands on me ONCE.  If we hadn't been in a public parking lot, and if another male who smelled trouble hadn't followed us outside, that would have been a bigger story.  That night turned out to be a test of my survival mode and intelligence on how to deal with a drunk angry man who had no boundaries.

What fun.

So no.  His reappearance is not welcome.  Hell, I MOVED so he wouldn't know where I lived anymore, I threatened him with reporting him to HR when he started harassing me on my work phone because he was blocked on my personal phone.  I stopped going to the cafe and tried not to go anywhere outside my department and office until ironically, COVID sent most of us home to work.  

Strange to say that the pandemic had perfect timing for me.  Let me say, I will NEVER date anyone I work with again.  I always had that rule and in this case, I validated breaking it.  I learned the hard way.  Don't mix business with so called pleasure.  

Some days

 Some days i struggle with something to write about.  I've tried to make writing a part of my morning routine, and admittedly I don't really stick to that on the weekend.

I arrive at work ridiculously early and I take that time to myself to write while I have a cup of coffee.

Mr. Jersey seems to be a reply guy.  He peppers me with text messages and pictures (I do really like his style) but nothing of any real substance.  So I will let that go on until it peters out.  He's not a jerk.

I finished reading the book "All the wonderful and ugly things" yesterday and I've never read a novel like this before.  It kept me reading, but I couldn't figure out if I was routing for the two mains or if I was disgusted.  I love books like that,that you think are going to be a little story but turn into conflicting feelings........you know, like real life.

Now I'm on to the next book - which hopefully will grab me like the last.  I've been reading a lot again and also, playing with the damn switch, which I'm WaY too excited about.  No one can truly call me a gamer because I only really play the one game and that I mostly to impress my 6 year granddaughter....

SIDE NOTE:

I'm messaging with a man I date a couple of years ago on a dating app.  He was a nice man, he treated me really well. I was working 2 jobs at the time and he offered to meet me in between to take me to dinner and brought me flowers kind of nice.  Old fashioned, chivalrous, romantic.........but he has 2 very young children.  In a way it was good because he didn't require a lot of time from me at least every other weekend.  BUT there were other small things.  He didn't listen to me when I told him I had a weekend off and I needed to stay home in pj's and just stay away from the world.  That was when I broke it off.

We probably should have just had an argument.  But I ended it.  I think because of  his having much younger kids.

Anyways, we chat back and forth and lament on dating.

Today he is very chatty.

Mr. Jersey popped in to say hello and promptly disappeared as he does.

Cake boy, who I went out with on Saturday night, is feeling chatty today.  I'm not sure how much more clear I can be that I'm not interested.

and now, to just add a nice layer of poop on top of it all - Mr. Married, the guy from work I dated years ago who turns out to be MARRIED has found my tiktok and keeps messaging me.  He can't work anymore because he had a major stroke but apparently he can bother me.

What the fuck is in the air?

it's working

I no longer feel like a bottomless pit.  I no longer feel nauseous all day, nor am i getting up in the middle of the night to vomit.  I went off the Ozempic, had a month of stuffing my face like an out of control maniac, and now, I'm on Mounjaro.

There are people who think drugs are not needed to lose weight, and I would agree.  However, I'm not someone who can stand the constant feelings of hunger no matter how much I eat.  I don't get full.  Even when I was a child, my mother used to say she never knew I was sick until I was REALLY sick because I never stopped eating.

I've had a lifelong struggle with food, even though I was not overweight until I became pregnant with my son.  During that pregnancy I gained 70 pounds and I did not loose that "baby weight" until he was 12 years old..........I went on weight watchers and it took me 18 months to lose it.  And I lost more than I needed to......i kept going.  To the point where friends were telling me they were concerned.

I didn't have an eating disorder.  I had a bad marriage and was going through a divorce.  The divorce diet just happened to tag on to the end of my purposeful diet.

I kept the weight off for over a decade, and never really thought about what I was eating.  I didn't feel like I was starving, nor did I feel the need to eat everything in the house.  I was a normal eater.  I didn't start gaining weight until I injured my knee, quit smoking, had a mini nervous breakdown, and then went through a breakup within 2 years.

And then, the weight just kept coming.  Slowly and surely.  I'd go through periods of trying different things, lose some weight, and then gain it all back and more.

I had watched my mother do this while I was growing up.  She would be HUGE and then she would look like a skeleton.  Then she would be huge again.  My mother was a tall and large woman.  There was nothing small about her even when she was skelator.  I look like a munchkin in comparison.  I would have loved the height, but I'm grateful I didn't get her overall largeness.

No.....i get the short and fat genes from god knows where.

Regardless.  It seems that I have inherited my mothers continuous struggle with weight loss.  Or at least, the way she deals with life.

I'm beginning to correlate stress with overeating.  But, I'm not stressed.  So.......wtf?

I'm 56 so age is a huge factor, however, my appetite should be diminishing, not increasing, with age.

so there's that.

I'm keeping an open mind, trying to identify when I seem to run to food (because it takes calories to gain no matter what the reason) and then maybe I can handle the emotional eating.

For now, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the medication will assist my bottomless pit feeling. So far, on the lowest dose, I'm feeling the difference.  My goal is to fit into size 10.  Thats my happy, steady, normal place ...where I was for many many years.  I've been size 8 and even 6 but that was when people said I looked sick.

so it's not a specific weight I'm going for, it's a size.

Not a new years resolution.  Its a life adjustment.  For me.  And only me. 

In the streets

" last night I went out with a man who has been asking me out for 2 years. I was very honest about not feeling that way about him and he insisted that he just wanted us to get to know each other better. throughout the night he kept making reference to getting more intimate. I am far from a prude but I am so tired of this. literally anyone can get sex. I want the whole package. I have to be able to get to know the man to see if I even like him. The dates that I have gone on always seem to be like they're on a mission to get into bed. I told him I want to date like it's 1986 where people took the time to get to know each other, Go out on dates, have things escalate slowly.... no one wants to put that kind of time in anymore. I think I'm done."

I posted the message above in the 50+ and single group on facebook. The response was a LOT of comments from women saying they are experiencing the same thing. We are all tired, bored and disappointed with men's behavior. We are done accepting it.

There was a time when I fell for the "we aren't kids, we are adults" bullshit. There was a time when I told myself that I didn't want to get involved either, that I just wanted some short term entertainment so I didn't completely lose my sex drive. Both times passed quickly. I'm not sure how these men are finding it satisfying at all. It gets really old, really quick. It gets boring. Going from one person to the other without getting to know them aside from carnally .......what is the point to that? Conquest? How is it conquest when from what I've been reading in this group is more of a giving up? Women feel like they have to play this game to get the man and yet.......they aren't getting the man.

Men get really defensive when I or any woman "overgeneralizes" and the funny thing is many men in the group are actually supportive and tell us there are good guys out here looking for what we are looking for. In my case, they live SO FAR away and it does matter to me.

It's the same old thing. Constantly. Then I watched a video that said you attract what you seek, so if you are tired of getting men from the streets, stop putting yourself out there for men in the streets. Simple.

Right?

PEACE

After careful consideration, I have decided to withdraw my application.

There.  That was easy.  Now I can return to enjoying my life and being enveloped in peace.

Focusing on what is real and present in my life is the sane way to live.  Lets try that for a bit, shall we?

This weekend can't come soon enough.  I am so looking forward to working on my 2025 bullet journal (finishing touches) and getting my grocery list in line with eating healthy.  I'm listening to an audiobook "The book of doors" by Gareth Brown and reading "All the Ugly and Wonderful Things" by Bryn Greenwood.  Still staying away from the true crime podcasts for a bit. I've got some cleaning and relaxing by myself to do.  Besides the bullet journal I have a few projects that hopefully I will have time to dip into.

Hell, I might just sit and stare out the window with a cup of coffee.

The point is, it will be peaceful.

..........i have an addiction to blankets and candles.  Recently, I've run out of candles however I purchased the most softest furriest heavy blanket for my bed that I literally cannot wait to get back into with my book.  I heard it's going to be cold this weekend, so perfect timing!  

It's a stay in the house and hibernate type of weekend where I shut off the world and live in my very own.  I'll be refueling, recentering, recalibrating....all the re's.  

I hope you enjoy your weekend as much as I'm going to cherish mine.

and one more thing

Shenanigans is what i named the chat group I started during Covid.  It was quite popular for a while, and a lot of fun.  People joined, and left, joined and left........but there was always "the core" who survived the drama and more drama that some created and lived on.

The chat group no longer exists (well, it does but its now run by someone else and I have no idea who is a member) but the core does.  We try to get together at least once a month, and have gone away together on long weekends.  We now call ourselves "la familia". 

All but one of us met in July of 2021 for the first time in person.  It was memorable for many reasons.....one being that I came face to face with the man who once canceled a date with me because he saw a picture of "my size".  He was polite about it....he said "I'm sorry, but I'm not attracted to big women so there is no point in meeting".  The night of our first group gathering I watched him watch me and regret his polite dismissal.  HA.  We have become friends, he is one of 8 in our familia......but I have enjoyed teasing him through the years.  Eat your words.  No second chances.  

This past weekend we all got together for our holiday gathering.  The vibe started off strange because a couple arrived arguing.  We all ignored it and pretended not to know, but it was......uncomfortable.  Not to mention, this seems to be frequent.  And she cries.  A lot.

Reminds me of myself at one point.  I do not like public displays, and my ex didn't seem to have a problem with it.  It's mortifying.  For a long time I would be a wreck because we would always fight before a party or gathering and I would spend the evening being upset and trying not to be.  The last year, I would piss him off because I no longer gave a shit.  I'd walk into a party and completely forget what had occurred moments before we arrived.  I would ditch him at the door and go have fun with my friends like he didn't exist.  

Anyhoo.....it's a throwback to watch people fight when you know there are issues.  I felt trapped in their situation as much as we all pretended not to know.  

And THEN, Mr. Bill, the one that isn't attracted to fatty's....He seemed to have this fascination with touching my hair all night.  We are all very close, so no big deal.........just........different.  Not sure what he expected from me, but nothing is what he got.  I wondered later if I was supposed to respond differently.

We played cards against humanity x rated version mixed in with the regular version and all was going well.  We were all having a good time being stupid.  Then, Mr. Bill decides to make a big announcement......"for this card lets not play the game, lets identify who in this room this card resembles"....and I knew immediately I was the target.  

I  tried to find the card later but couldn't.  It said something about being a hot mess.  I automatically spoke up and said, well that's ME.  and everyone laughed and we moved on........but honestly, I was hurt.  THEN I thought about the hot mess theory....yes, there is one.....that the more intelligent a person is, the less coherent their behavior tends to be.  

So fuck you Mr. dumbass Bill.  I'm smart enough not to discount someone's worth based on their weight so I don't have to lust after them for years because they are so much fun yet never standing a chance. After all, you wasted yours. 

There. 

Now I can move on.

work, home, work, home

The alarm wasn't set yesterday morning and I actually overslept.  That rarely happens.......i woke with one eye and thought "the room is very light" and then asked Alexa what time it was...then I asked her what day it was.....without moving an inch out from under my covers where my feet stuck out at the bottom....

Then I dove from the bed considering not taking a shower and what I might wear in a hurry....like the old days when I would wake up at his house on a Friday morning and not be left with enough time for all the  get ready for work stuff.....

But that's not who I am anymore.  Im not at that place where I have to worry if I'm 2 minutes late or if I'm going to be "in trouble" if I'm late.  So I took my shower, dressed myself and put my hair in a pony tail with light makeup.  All set.  I'll buy lunch today as a treat.  Out the door.

Since I get to work early every day, I wasn't even late.

I'm that good.

Now...........if a man was in the house.......well.  

Then when I came home from work I took Miyagi outside where he said "bullshit" and ran back up the steps....that was a really short walk.  Made myself a girl dinner.......simple bagel with butter.......then hopped on to my switch to redesign my Animal Crossing home while I listened to the end of my audio book "Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine" by Gail Honeyman. 4 stars.  

My bestie called and I had her pick up my nexium dupe at Sams club and then venmo'd her the $$$.   While we chatted on the phone I picked up the mess I made getting ready for work and did some dishes.  I wasn't alone even though I was alone.

Then it was scroll through my phone, get into bed and do more scrolling.....sleep.

This morning the alarm was set.

Back to work.

And......do it all again. 

Note to self

 Here's a blog that can only be described as "meandering" 

Do all singles in their 50's feel socially handicapped while getting to know someone that they may or may not want date?  Do you assume that they must be interested if they are making time to talk to you?

I vacillate between caring too much or not caring at all. I'm not sure which I'm more afraid of. 

Texting - how important is this?  I like to text someone I'm getting to know but not in a routine way.  I don't want good morning and good nights (unless we are texting at night and it's time to go to bed)  I don't want routine, but at the same time, I want consistency.  If we are getting to know each other, I want him to be as curious about me, also wondering about me and what I might be up to ........as I am about him.

I want him to have a life and not be up my butt texting all day every day - but if I'm not hearing from him  I assume he isn't interested in me, or he is more interested in someone else.  My first thought is never, he is busy working, reading, home improving, or with friends.  I always think someone else, some other woman who is more interesting than I is taking his spare moments.

Because that is the way we date now even when in the stages of seeing if you are going to date.....the short texts that lead to longer more personal texts.......blah blah 

I love attention from a man I'm interested in.  That shows me he is thinking of me.  That he is interested in me.  That is pretty basic.  It's the low hanging fruit, and it's also really easy to fake.  Send a random text once in a while and she will think I'm into her..........just in case the one, or many, I'm really interested in doesn't pan out.

Negative right? I'm not fond of this part of myself. 

But jump on social media and you will see that this happens to women (and men too I guess) all the time.  You meet on social media or a dating website, you chit chat, you take it off the site and onto your cell phone by texting and calling. Then it goes to facetiming,  (if you are like me) and THEN you go on a date.  You like each other or not on that first date and it goes from there.

But you can't assume you are the only one.  Because you probably aren't.  It's more obvious with some. 

For instance, Mr. Jersey.  We had conversations where he told me about himself and I told him about myself.  I asked him lots of questions........and he didn't ask any.  He would send me pictures, and say hello at some point during the day....he did ask me to meet him, and then tentatively suggested a date which was pretty far from the ask date......And hasn't talked of it again.  He is an "influencer" on social media, which I believe is when you have actual content and enough followers to make actual money.  I never expected to actually start talking to him.  He's an internet guy.  Are they even real?  He seems like it.

And the ladies love him.  He's attractive, funny, has multiple interests which make him interesting and of course his voice.....well.  I enjoy his content.  Or course I'm not alone.  And that's a good thing for him because I believe that is the point in making content.

BUT......now I'm grappling with the idea of what happens if we like each other.  Can I trust a man that has so many women thirsting after him on social media?  His replies are always pleasant, positive, modest and kind.....I've never seen any of his responses favor anyone.  However, I'm on the other side of privately messaging with him and I'm quite sure I'm not alone in that. 

Is there anything wrong with it? not at all.  Is it something someone like me, with all my triggers, can handle?  Do I even want to meet this man?  Am I that confident and secure? Note: asking a lot of questions of myself is more important than knowing more about this man.  Men either work out or they don't........but I will live with myself till the end and I need to know me better than anyone else.  How much is he saying and how much am I hearing what I want to hear.  All things to consider. 

No, I'm not that confident but my head tells me, this is the way now.  Men have many women on backup and I'm not interested in playing second fiddle.  He travels a lot.  He's already said he would like to see me when he comes to Connecticut...(so no special trip). ........does each state have a friend?  Do these kind of thoughts make me smart and looking out for myself, or do they make me jaded? 

Is my self esteem shot to hell or am I a realist?  I'm going to say both.  I'm not fascinating enough to hold the attention of a man who gets it thrown at him daily.  Is there anything wrong with wanting attention?  Hell no.  I'd probably be doing what he does if I thought it would work for me.  I wouldn't mind the $$ for making content or the adoration?

I'm trying to remind myself that I have a habit of setting myself up, becoming interested in men that are not interested in having a relationship with only me, or me at all.  I'm reminding myself that sex does not mean he's interested.  Pretty much men will have sex with any willing woman.  

I hate to say that, to sound like that.  But when I become interested in a man it's usually not a good choice.  I usually ignore red flags because lets be honest.......I'm more like a bull chasing those red flags and then I wonder why I have hurt feelings

BUT I also don't want to be so negative and throw all men into the same bucket.  I watch a lot of social media and see gorgeous, smart, successful women having the same problems I do.  So what chance do I have?

This is very general and not meant to be a commentary on Mr. Jersey, more so myself.  I'm just not about spreading myself all over and then not being able to give someone my undivided attention in a consistent way.  

There.  Thats were these thoughts were taking me.  Consistent attention that is not routine.  

i think they call that magical thinking.

I also don't want to "not care"........that's not me.  

holiday activities

 This year is different.  I went to 3 churches this weekend, to buy cookies made by old ladies and to rummage through church tag sales and crafts.

Three churches.  not one.  Three.

My friends in Milford do this every year apparently, and this year I was scooped into the festivities.......conveniently left as a surprise, ehem.  I was NOT allowed to stay back at the house, nor was I allowed to sit in the car......sons of bitches.  I mean, what awesome friends.

I had the best time.....I'm serious.  How very strange.  

I also had an epiphany....I thrift shop for myself and 90% of my clothing is thrifted. It's a treasure hunt. My girlfriend buys all her grandsons clothing and toys thrifted and these kids are stacked....designer clothes, the best toys.......why have I not been doing this?

She laid down the law with her family this year and said no more gift cards and newly bought items.....gifts must be thrifted, or made.  Gifts must be thought about, some effort must be made to make it personal.

This got me excited.  Friday night, we spend literally 3 hours in Savers, a thrift store.  I may have had a few gummies........i was completely focused on finding a necklace stack for a thrifted outfit I had just purchased and then...........i fell into the girls clothing.  My granddaughters sizes.  I went through every single item and there were SO many brand new with tags..i couldn't believe it. Did I buy my granddaughter thrifted clothing?  I sure as hell did.

They laughed at me.....said the clothes I picked out were "totally you" meaning me......i found my sweet little girl a cool Skull sweat jacket (brand new) and even flared jeans.  I mean, I had a blast finding clothes for her.  I did have a moment of pause.  What would people think?  Me buying USED clothes for my baby girl?  Does my granddaughter know, at 6 years old that the clothes I sifted through to find specific styles for HER are used?  No.  And I doubt she cares.  And neither do I.  

Back to cookies.

I ate a lot. 

I like this idea of buying a box, and having it filled with an assortment of holiday cookies.  I didn't have to make them! 

No more have to's at the holiday.  It's decided.  Shopping just became a year long adventure because now, it's not just for me.  And it's not "new"........it's a hunt.  I like a good hunt.

In other news:

I made a tik tok showing my entire self dancing. I did a duet with a woman I found while scrolling. She was having such a good time and it didn't appear to be about making content as much as really grooving on the music.  Plus, she had head scarves on and I dig that.

I'm on a journey.  I am what I am TODAY and if I can improve than I am doing that too.  However, in the meantime I need to love who and what I am and if I enjoy something that others don't......so be it.  I'm having fun.  I'm exited.  I want things again.  I'm jumping on the train to satisfaction.  Who says they can't get any?

My weekends away

 Years ago i used to go away for the weekend with my bf, and a bunch of friends pretty regularly.  Especially in the winter.  I'd pack us up to go and after work we would hit the road for New Hampshire or Vermont.  I have very fond memories of those weekends spent with people we love.

I'm not a daredevil or sporty person.  I'm a bookworm who likes to be left alone when reading.  So these weekends were really nice.  They would all hit the trails or the slopes and i would stay in the cozy house with my book and lounge around relaxing (after cleaning up breakfast and later prepping for dinner).  One of the days the ladies would stay back and we would go shopping, puzzle making, and game playing.  I really valued that time with them.

It took me some time to realize a much as i used to enjoy the time alone with my bf on the ride up and back, those weekends were about friends, group activities, relaxing, sharing the chores of prepping and cleaning up meals and opening and closing the house.  We were all doing what we want, and doing what needed to be done......together.

Now......i go away to Milford.  I pack Miyagi, a suitcase, a bag of food/gifts/projects/decorations and my sleeping bag and hit the road after finishing work on a Friday.  Their neighbor must think i'm moving in because it takes several trips to unload my car.   This is the home of "my couple" because i'm close to both of them.  It's not "she's my girlfriend and he is her husband".  So Friday i arrive and walk into their house without knocking (i get yelled at) we exchange hugs wherever they happen to be (i don't get greeted like a guest at the door) then i drop my stuff all over their home and in "my" room.  We unload the bullshit of the week while having a drink, eat dinner, clean up, then have a few gummies and ........craft.  Well, usually thats just her and I time.  Then we go watch TV with him, she falls asleep in her recliner and he and i flip through youtube watching and talking about bands. 

When  i stay with them, there is usually a gathering of Shenanigans Saturday.  There are 8 of us now.  We eat, drink, gummie, laugh, play games, talk, and then they all leave and I stay the night.  It started with me staying over Saturday nights to help clean up and it turned into weekends with them because we just get along so well.  For two years they have invited me to their home in Florida and we have plans for next year already.

When you lose something that was such an important part of your life, like the weekends away with friends you love......it takes time to mourn the loss.  It will never be the same.  I thought i would never experience that kind of friendships again ( the ex got the friends and weekends away with my replacement but apparently she didn't get along with the woman.....) While i miss those days and get nostalgic about them, i eventually made new friends and over the years we have evolved into close friends.  Life is different, weekends away are different......but in many ways so much better.  

These are MY friends and no one can replace me, or them.  

why i need a man

 I hate putting air in my tires.  Literally HATE it.  I don't mind putting gas it in, taking it to the car wash, cleaning it out once in a while.....i know how to jump it if needed, have replaced fuses and a gear shift....If i had the tools and a place i could probably do most maintenance to my own car.   

However, for some stupid reason, putting air in my tires rocks my world.  I suck at it.  It's always gotta be rainy and cold when i need to do it, and i have been shown multiple times by multiple men HOW to do it but my preference is that somebody else do it.  

When i was younger, and i'm a little ashamed to admit this, all i had to do was pop the hood and stand there looking confused and some man would come help within moments.  I would be scared to try that now.  I'm neither young or old enough to get away with that.  Women my age are invisible.

More than once i have been told by a man at a gas station that i shouldn't have to pump my own gas.  I never knew what the hell they were talking about but then i found out that there are men out there who actually put gas in their wife (girlfriend) car, take it to the car wash, clean it out, make sure it's maintained......where the hell are these men???

That would blow my socks off.  I mean, Id be very grateful.  I don't think women who are treated that way understand that is not normal behavior.  That is above and beyond.  That is a man that is taking care of you.

Wouldn't that be nice.

Yes.  I can do it myself, i never said i couldn't.  I don't have to like it.  Or want to.  I'm not one of those women who feels like i'm giving up a pride point by accepting a mans assistance.  Ya'll are nuts. 

So........if you have that, appreciate it, and show your appreciation appropriately.  If you don't have that.....welcome to the club.  

goes around?

 i made one of my silly tik toks talking about someone I was once close with and apparently he saw it because he sent me a "sorry" text.

I felt bad for about 2 minutes and then I realized I was neatly falling into old patterns with him.  He would do something that I didn't appreciate and made me feel bad, I would speak up (hoping he would understand and maybe not keep doing it to me) and then HE would get mad, or hurt.  I'd end up apologizing for making him feel, and i'd walk away completely confused and upset.

I don't do that anymore.

Now, when someone acts in a way that is questionable, or makes me uncomfortable - I use my words and if they aren't interested in having an adult conversation where we express our point of views and come to an understanding .......I'm all set with that.  

Sometimes how someone feels isn't at all what you expected, but needed to hear.  

I can honestly say I have never wanted to make any man involved with me feel bad.  I've tried to communicate how I feel so he can either confirm I am correct, or explain that's not correct.  

Words go a long way.

Anyway.........i ended up apologizing to him and letting him know how I felt, which led to him not responding.  Same pattern.  MY same pattern.......He could have been genuine in his apology and probably was.  He seems to have grown as a person.  But my reaction to him is the same.  Self defense.

I can take accountability for my part in our demise, because I know with him my trigger was sensitive.  But that was then, and this is now and I'm trying to do better in the future and sometimes that means accepting your faults in the past.

So, I apologized, just like I always did.  And then I explained, like I always did.  And he did not respond, like he always did.  Only this time.........it was okay.  

I'm okay. 

neighbors

 I learned early on not to get overly friendly with neighbors, especially when renting.  It's enough to know who lives near you, give a smile and a nod when you see them, maybe a bit of chit chat for a few minutes, but nothing too personal, and not for too long.

I moved 5 times in 5 years after a breakup.  I couldn't find my space.  THE space that was meant for me.  Finally, I found where I am now and I've been here 3 years, 4 leases. I have WINDOWS, a private deck, no hallways to walk through to get to my apartment and although I have a neighbor on each side of me and one above....i rarely hear them.  I hear the man upstairs but it's normal noise, and can be comforting knowing someone is near.  

Because I've been here a few years now, with no loud parties, no police activity and a pretty decent citizen status, a few of the people who have been here for a LONG time have started chatting me up when I take Miyagi for a walk.  The guy next door, single, seems to be about my age.......has great plants......we see each other in passing doing laundry and such.  He's very nice.  And there's the lady who had her elderly mom (86) living with her who I've recently started chatting with.

Yesterday she came home as I was walking Miyagi, and she came across the parking lot to talk to me.  She told me her mom had passed.  I asked her if I could hug her (not everyone is into that) and I gave her a big hug.  I made sure she had family close by, and said all the things that probably don't help very much when you are in the midst of someone close passing.  She needed to talk, so that's what we did.  She told me all about it and I listened.  It was cold, I held Miyagi in my coat and I let her speak about her experience.  She told me "I've never been alone and not taking care of someone".  She has no husband, no kids, and she is older than I am.  She has spent her life taking care of her parents.  I told her I was right across the way and if she needed anything she should knock.  Sometimes it's hard to be alone when grieving, or at any time really.  

As the words were coming out of my mouth my brain went "WHAT" "SHUT UP" an open invitation to a NEIGHBOR to reach out if needed?  

She is a kind woman, and she is now entering a new phase of her life after an expected, yet sudden death of her mother, and her complete focus.  Maybe I'm going soft, however, I'm quite sure she won't be knocking on my door to use my phone and then calling her drug dealer. (I've lived in some interesting places during my lifetime)

We are all in this together, and yet we all feel alone in an unbearable way sometimes.  It doesn't have to be that way.  It's okay to make yourself available to listen to someone work through their thoughts and grief.  It's okay to share time with people just for the sake of sharing time with someone.  It makes us human.

Thats my thought for today.

Old friends

Yesterday i felt like i do when i can't explain why i feel so.........eww.

One thought that has occurred to me is that I was taken off the weight loss medication due to awful side effects and not put on another.  I have an appointment with my provider today to discuss next steps however, I've been free flying for the past month. When I feel out of control, sad, angry, I binge.  I feel like the bottomless pit.  I never feel full.  The beauty of the drugs was that I ALWAYS felt full and couldn't binge if I wanted to!

So, binge eating while in a dark place around the holiday with every available sugary food possible in my face.........guess who gained?  

It's a horrible cycle, feel sad, eat, what you eat makes you feel like crap and gain weight, feel worse, binge more because why the hell not?  My body is killing me again.  I can't keep up this way.  

Yesterday was, for some reason, really hard.  I was sad, cry babying, not able to concentrate on any task, with an overwhelming urge to talk to someone who knows me well, and cared for me at some point, if not now.  Thats not true.  I know he cares.  But it doesn't make it enough or good for me.  Still, I reached out like I do.....if you don't reach out, you will never know.......and we basically texted back and forth for hours before the conversation started to wane......It was what I needed, a friend who wouldn't tell me what to do, or tell me what I am doing wrong, but who also would just be straight.  It should have ended at that.

Then, because he's a man, the conversation took a turn toward the "fun" we had in the past.  I've known him for a long time.  There was a lot of fun (and heartache too) to be had during that time.

That slammed me right back into darkness.  I'm never going to be worth more than a fuck to these men.  It's literally all that matters.  

Now I think, this New Jersey man, he'll want the same thing.  

I just can't deal with it anymore.  It's no wonder I'm gaining instead of losing.  A sort of deterrent?  to protect myself from wanting to give and receive loving attention that is real.  With my clothes on.  These guys don't want to know ME, don't ask about ME, or my life......my wants, needs other than "what are you looking for?" and "we're adults we can do whatever we want"........Yeah.  Okay.

I want peace within my heart and soul.  I want my body back and to not hurt. 

When I spoke up, he turned the conversation around to another topic.......which surprised me.  Back in the day he would have just ghosted me, or been sulky.  Maybe we've all changed over the years.  I just hope I'm changing for the better too.