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Yesterday i felt like i do when i can't explain why i feel so.........eww.

One thought that has occurred to me is that I was taken off the weight loss medication due to awful side effects and not put on another.  I have an appointment with my provider today to discuss next steps however, I've been free flying for the past month. When I feel out of control, sad, angry, I binge.  I feel like the bottomless pit.  I never feel full.  The beauty of the drugs was that I ALWAYS felt full and couldn't binge if I wanted to!

So, binge eating while in a dark place around the holiday with every available sugary food possible in my face.........guess who gained?  

It's a horrible cycle, feel sad, eat, what you eat makes you feel like crap and gain weight, feel worse, binge more because why the hell not?  My body is killing me again.  I can't keep up this way.  

Yesterday was, for some reason, really hard.  I was sad, cry babying, not able to concentrate on any task, with an overwhelming urge to talk to someone who knows me well, and cared for me at some point, if not now.  Thats not true.  I know he cares.  But it doesn't make it enough or good for me.  Still, I reached out like I do.....if you don't reach out, you will never know.......and we basically texted back and forth for hours before the conversation started to wane......It was what I needed, a friend who wouldn't tell me what to do, or tell me what I am doing wrong, but who also would just be straight.  It should have ended at that.

Then, because he's a man, the conversation took a turn toward the "fun" we had in the past.  I've known him for a long time.  There was a lot of fun (and heartache too) to be had during that time.

That slammed me right back into darkness.  I'm never going to be worth more than a fuck to these men.  It's literally all that matters.  

Now I think, this New Jersey man, he'll want the same thing.  

I just can't deal with it anymore.  It's no wonder I'm gaining instead of losing.  A sort of deterrent?  to protect myself from wanting to give and receive loving attention that is real.  With my clothes on.  These guys don't want to know ME, don't ask about ME, or my life......my wants, needs other than "what are you looking for?" and "we're adults we can do whatever we want"........Yeah.  Okay.

I want peace within my heart and soul.  I want my body back and to not hurt. 

When I spoke up, he turned the conversation around to another topic.......which surprised me.  Back in the day he would have just ghosted me, or been sulky.  Maybe we've all changed over the years.  I just hope I'm changing for the better too.

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