Note to self

 Here's a blog that can only be described as "meandering" 

Do all singles in their 50's feel socially handicapped while getting to know someone that they may or may not want date?  Do you assume that they must be interested if they are making time to talk to you?

I vacillate between caring too much or not caring at all. I'm not sure which I'm more afraid of. 

Texting - how important is this?  I like to text someone I'm getting to know but not in a routine way.  I don't want good morning and good nights (unless we are texting at night and it's time to go to bed)  I don't want routine, but at the same time, I want consistency.  If we are getting to know each other, I want him to be as curious about me, also wondering about me and what I might be up to ........as I am about him.

I want him to have a life and not be up my butt texting all day every day - but if I'm not hearing from him  I assume he isn't interested in me, or he is more interested in someone else.  My first thought is never, he is busy working, reading, home improving, or with friends.  I always think someone else, some other woman who is more interesting than I is taking his spare moments.

Because that is the way we date now even when in the stages of seeing if you are going to date.....the short texts that lead to longer more personal texts.......blah blah 

I love attention from a man I'm interested in.  That shows me he is thinking of me.  That he is interested in me.  That is pretty basic.  It's the low hanging fruit, and it's also really easy to fake.  Send a random text once in a while and she will think I'm into her..........just in case the one, or many, I'm really interested in doesn't pan out.

Negative right? I'm not fond of this part of myself. 

But jump on social media and you will see that this happens to women (and men too I guess) all the time.  You meet on social media or a dating website, you chit chat, you take it off the site and onto your cell phone by texting and calling. Then it goes to facetiming,  (if you are like me) and THEN you go on a date.  You like each other or not on that first date and it goes from there.

But you can't assume you are the only one.  Because you probably aren't.  It's more obvious with some. 

For instance, Mr. Jersey.  We had conversations where he told me about himself and I told him about myself.  I asked him lots of questions........and he didn't ask any.  He would send me pictures, and say hello at some point during the day....he did ask me to meet him, and then tentatively suggested a date which was pretty far from the ask date......And hasn't talked of it again.  He is an "influencer" on social media, which I believe is when you have actual content and enough followers to make actual money.  I never expected to actually start talking to him.  He's an internet guy.  Are they even real?  He seems like it.

And the ladies love him.  He's attractive, funny, has multiple interests which make him interesting and of course his voice.....well.  I enjoy his content.  Or course I'm not alone.  And that's a good thing for him because I believe that is the point in making content.

BUT......now I'm grappling with the idea of what happens if we like each other.  Can I trust a man that has so many women thirsting after him on social media?  His replies are always pleasant, positive, modest and kind.....I've never seen any of his responses favor anyone.  However, I'm on the other side of privately messaging with him and I'm quite sure I'm not alone in that. 

Is there anything wrong with it? not at all.  Is it something someone like me, with all my triggers, can handle?  Do I even want to meet this man?  Am I that confident and secure? Note: asking a lot of questions of myself is more important than knowing more about this man.  Men either work out or they don't........but I will live with myself till the end and I need to know me better than anyone else.  How much is he saying and how much am I hearing what I want to hear.  All things to consider. 

No, I'm not that confident but my head tells me, this is the way now.  Men have many women on backup and I'm not interested in playing second fiddle.  He travels a lot.  He's already said he would like to see me when he comes to Connecticut...(so no special trip). ........does each state have a friend?  Do these kind of thoughts make me smart and looking out for myself, or do they make me jaded? 

Is my self esteem shot to hell or am I a realist?  I'm going to say both.  I'm not fascinating enough to hold the attention of a man who gets it thrown at him daily.  Is there anything wrong with wanting attention?  Hell no.  I'd probably be doing what he does if I thought it would work for me.  I wouldn't mind the $$ for making content or the adoration?

I'm trying to remind myself that I have a habit of setting myself up, becoming interested in men that are not interested in having a relationship with only me, or me at all.  I'm reminding myself that sex does not mean he's interested.  Pretty much men will have sex with any willing woman.  

I hate to say that, to sound like that.  But when I become interested in a man it's usually not a good choice.  I usually ignore red flags because lets be honest.......I'm more like a bull chasing those red flags and then I wonder why I have hurt feelings

BUT I also don't want to be so negative and throw all men into the same bucket.  I watch a lot of social media and see gorgeous, smart, successful women having the same problems I do.  So what chance do I have?

This is very general and not meant to be a commentary on Mr. Jersey, more so myself.  I'm just not about spreading myself all over and then not being able to give someone my undivided attention in a consistent way.  

There.  Thats were these thoughts were taking me.  Consistent attention that is not routine.  

i think they call that magical thinking.

I also don't want to "not care"........that's not me.