What if

What if I'm meant to be alone in order to be happy with myself?

What if, when i come home from work I cook myself a lovely dinner and sit down to it with a glass of wine and quiet contemplation.

Maybe even put on some relaxing music, lights some candles... rip off my bra. 

Dance around while i'm cooking?

Sing?

Clean up, if i feel like it.

Go to bed at 8:00pm because i like the warm softness of my blankets and the feeling of floating on clouds. 

Or stay up late watching "real" tv........because it's so ridiculous and entertaining.  Curled up on my couch in comfy pj's that are pretty too. 

Or search the web for more recipes to try, more life hacks, more decorating ideas, more projects i can do by myself, more places i'd like to go.......or stalk my ex's and try not to laugh.  Or cry.

Or......stare at a wall.

Maybe call a friend to come visit, so we can sit at my kitchen table and talk, laugh.  Or cry. 

Or call a friend and stop over their house to revel in the noise, the color, the activity of family life.  And then go home and appreciate my space of  one.

Long for my granddaughter.

My own children.

Maybe on Saturdays i'll get up early and go grocery shopping, take a walk on a trail, join an early morning yoga class....

After I can meet up with a friend for coffee before going home to do chores. 

Get dressed up, a little more makeup than usual, some perfume - go out.  To the movies, to dinner, to a concert, a show, a friends house..........it's the weekend, i'll go alone or with many.

Sleep in late on Sunday, hang around in pj's reading books, cooking or gardening.  Listening to music - dreaming. 

Talking on the phone, making plans to see people i love and miss.  Planning to travel.  So i can again come home to "my" space of peace and happiness.

It's time for me.  To be just me.  Boring, or dramatic, or needy or happy, sad, mad, glad.  Just. Me.