But, but

 I'm not poor.  I'm far from rich.  I make enough to get by relatively comfortably without any extravagant purchases.  

My apartment is large, in a nice area, and my upstairs neighbor is considerate in how often  he stomps around.  I hear him up there, but it's rarely disruptive.  It's almost a comfort.  

My home is me.  Nothing matches, a little bit of everything, and mostly put together for sheer comfort.  No one is going to be impressed, but they will feel cozy and welcome.  

My car gets me to where i want to go.  It was beautiful, to me, but a man i dated did some damage and now ....it's mine.  It's still perfect for me and my needs.

My clothing- eclectic in multiple sizes.  My daughter says i wear clothing that is too big for me and it makes me look bigger.  There was a time i cared about that.  NOW, i just want to express myself, my mood, and be comfortable.  Gone are the heels that landed me on the ground too many times...if pretty shoes don't feel good they get donated, or tossed.  My size changes, and so does my mood.  I have clothing for ALL the occassions.

My physical self has been through as many transitions as my mental self.  I'm a living organism so i would expect no less.  Every day i learn to love myself a little bit more for all my quirks and imperfections.  I love hard.  My children, my grandchild, my friends.....I love with my whole being.  I love that, about myself.

I have little to no filter.  I do at work, because, they pay me to be professional......but outside of work?  why?  I only represent myself and i do it in a genuine and real way.  I don't have time to manipulate or deceive.  I don't find it entertaining.  Basically, it's too hard to be anyone but who i am and i'm lazy.

My growth comes in knowledge, not power.  My interests come to me on air- and many times are just as fleeting.  SQUIRREL!! 

which reminds me, i still haven't bought peanuts for my squirrel buddy.  

I have moods.  Some aren't pretty and i know enough to keep to myself when they arrive.  People close to me have grown to understand it's not THEM, it's ME and leaving me alone for a bit is the best choice.  I get dark.  I can't get out of my head.  

Usually its a man suggesting i'm being negative.

I think a lot.  My brain is the only muscle used appropriately.  

Introspective is the word.  Selfish is another.  

I'm having to talk myself off the ledge in this new whatever it is........relationship?  It's not a friendship, it's not a partnership.  It's.....we talk to each other several times a day and sometimes see each other and sometimes exchange a few kisses that get immediately cut off before it gets anywhere.  

We aren't kids.  LOL  We are adults.  LMAO  We can do whatever we want. LMFAO

True, true, true.

What i want, at this grand age of 57 is to keep some self respect and not get used as a passtime until the real one comes along.

What i want, as an adult is to make mature decisions that benefit my physical and mental health. 

What i want, is to make clear, my intention is for a relationship, not a fuck buddy and withholding my body is a way to bring that point home.  

Not just anyone gets access to ANYTHING about me anymore.  I've learned.

That's my free writing for today - cleared my palate.  I'm ready to go.  Lets do this. 

in the air

 What is going on that sleep has become so difficult?

Last night, the cat decided she was going to hunt a mouse......in my room.  She sounds like an elephant pouncing around and chasing .......I really wish the landlord would get an exterminator or something out to the complex.  Most people have cats it seems.  I've never once seen any evidence of the critters aside from having to pick up their little corpses after the cat has finished them.

Nature.

It's amazing what you can get used to.

And i live in a nice place.

Then my dog decided he was going to wake me up every hour on the hour by getting out of bed, standing in my door and barking rhythmically  bark...bark...bark...bark  until i got up out of bed to get him.

What. the FUCK

Tonight both creatures get locked out of my room.  Thats what you get.

I'm tired.  But pleasantly unemotional about anything.

My feet are getting skinny.  How strange.

as i said.........

 There's a budding relationship going on.

Can't seem to stay away from each other - and here's the kicker.....there has been no sex.

Is there passion?  yep.  Plenty of that.  But it hasn't been moved on.

After last summer, i decided that i would never again sleep with someone i wanted a relationship with until we had that talk, we were exclusive, and we were in an ACTUAL relationship.  You know, the kind where you get to know each other's lives, friends, family...

Friday night i set a boundary.  Did i pull the trigger a little early?  yes.  But did i have those feelings? yes.  So i'm being true to myself, which is the only person i have to worry about currently.

Did he bend?  Nope.

I felt sad.  but i also felt like i might have made a healthy decision for myself.  Those feelings would have been easy to avoid if there had been better communication, less anxiety, less avoidance.

Saturday afternoon is how long he waited to reach out.  The conversation went as it does, bantering, poking, laughing....He said he missed our conversations already, and that he hated me.  I told him "me too and me too"......

and we were off.

Yesterday, (Sunday) I went for a walk at the Reservoir near me with my girlfriend Sarah.  We did 3 miles in about an hour.  That sucks for many but for ME that was amazing.  I've been doing more and more every day.  Pushing myself to get healthy for probably the first time in my life.

And the weight keeps coming off slowly.....but steadily.

After all that healthy........i went home, showered off the pound of sweat that was in my clothes and then went to his house.

Learning more and more about each other- and the only definite is that we want to be where we are at this moment.  

The unknown is uncomfortable.  But when i'm with him, I feel seen.  Heard.  Cared for in a way i have never experienced.  I'm not treated like i can't..........more like "of course you can".   

So i'm giving this some more time - 2 more months to be exact.  We will see where we are at then......If we don't know after 3 months if we want to give it a shot......well.  

....

I really suck at this.

 How is it I am only interested in men that drag my ass?

I have myself all in a tizzy because i thought i would see him this weekend, after having not seen him all week due to being sick.  He called me repeatedly today and never said a word about getting together.

This week was when he stopped saying goodnight, and stopped sending flirty texts.  Mostly.

It's the inconsistency.  A man can't go from seeing me every day one week, to not at all the next week - not make plans for the weekend, and expect that i think he's interested.

I can't forget that feeling of being valued by the guy who actually MADE PLANS with me....even though it didn't work out.  I loved that feeling of his respect for my time.  That he didn't leave me hanging, or wondering.  And when he decided he was still hooked on his ex, he didn't drag me along.  Nice and neat, and clean.  I will never forget him for that.  THAT is how a man acts.

So there's my answer.

I'm proud of myself for seeing it for what it was - going nowhere.  The gradual withdrawal told me what i needed to know and instead of chasing, or trying to prove myself worthy, i paid attention.

I did what was right for me. 

And that, feels like progress, even if it hurts at this moment.

Sick sucks

 i've been sick all week.  It sucks.

And during this time, Mr. Cigar seems to have found another distraction more interesting than me.

Less calls, less texts, less flirtation.......you know, withdrawal.

I'm not very interesting when i'm sick.

Yesterday I was home sick and i made brocoli rabe and sausage.  He texted me he was starving and i said "stop by and pick up dinner on your way home"......and he already had dinner plans.

text, text, text.......i said "you should come see how i live at some point and make sure i'm not a hoarder" to which he responded "lol"

Which is not a response.

so i waited a few hours, chewed on my own thoughts, and then did what i do......i shared those thoughts with him.

What i got back was "you are overthinking big time"

Which........is also not an answer.

Last night, no text good night.

I've been accused of overthinking before.  And it's always been by men trying to skip through the truth with me.

Why is it so hard to just say "i'm not interested".  Instead, they string you along until they are sure the other person in place.  And then they act all surprised when we have hurt feelings.  And then they can't deal with those feelings (which THEY invoked) so they ghost.

He hasn't ghosted yet.  But the texts are decidedly neutral. It's coming.

I have a deadline at work i need to focus on.  I have to get better and take care of myself.  I don't have time for this man and his stupid bullshit games.

And the rule is.........If you have to ask if he likes you, he doesn't.

He's just not into me. 

Meet Cain and Abel

 

Have you ever met a Cane Corso?  How about two?

I'm afraid of large dogs normally.  The encounters i've had have always been kind of scary.  They might be very lovey but have a tendency to knock me over, or jump on me.  I once knew a Rottweiler who would attack anyone who tried to leave a room....that was not fun.

But recently, i've become friends with Cane and Abel.  And i'm rapidly becoming attached.  They love butt scratches and ear scratches.  They listen to their Dad.  They don't smell, they don't have bad breath.  The DO occasionally fight......from what I've been told, and honestly, I don't want to be around for that.

They are such lovey boys.  I think they like the ladies, like their Dad.

Mr. Cigar.

I may like his dogs more than him.  Jury is out.  

I'm sick. I have a bad cold, have pretty much lost my voice and get exhausted easily.  I haven't seen Mr. Cigar since Sunday (Today is Wednesday) and i admit, i might be going through a little withdrawal.  I got used to seeing him pretty much daily.

I'm out of my element here.  The ground i stand on is shakey, unsure.  One moment i'm entirely comfortable with him and the next, i'm trying to figure out if he just insulted me?  I think its safe to say, i have a tender skin around men i'm interested in.

I pay attention to how he treats his boys.  I like how he is with them.  Kinda bossy actually.  with the dogs and me both.  Alpha male doesn't begin to describe this one.  It's going to be very good, or very bad and i can't see into the future so for now...............i'll just see what happens.

He TALKS to me.  

And the boys do to.  

Back to bed.  I'm so sick it's just gross. 

Taxes and birth

Yesterday i paid alllllll my taxes.  

And got my birth certificate.

I wasn't born an 11lb baby.  I was 8lbs 80z.   My mother wasn't 19 when she had me.  She was 21.  

Why would anyone lie about something so......

I mean, i don't think she was on drugs........but who really knows?  

She made it sound like i was a burden to carry and give birth to.  That i ruined her young life by existing.  That i was a mistake.  She threw me away like garbage.

I've been over the mother scars for years and years now.  Time and therapy help but then something as innocent as getting my birth certificate reminds me of how toxic and malfunctioning the women who "raised" me till 16 was/is.

I think i turned out rather well, considering.

Anyhoo....it was an emotional gut punch to me, even though anyone with "normal" parents might not understand why.

Yesterday kinda of sucked.

But today is a new day, and i've got goals to accomplish.

Onward. 

This though

 Today i walked a mile on the Blue Trail. I've never been before and i can't tell you what it looked like because all i did was look down and try to keep up.

I went to dinner at my son's in laws for Easter.  My body was killing me from yesterday mornings work out in my living room where i probably pulled every muscle in my body.  I stayed a few hours and then looking forward to a butt load of traffic on the way home - headed out.

I must have timed it perfectly because i got home in record time.  I knew i still had several hours of light so i thought I should go for a walk on the Farmington Canal.....that probably there wouldn't be any bears.  I asked Mr. Cigar if he wanted to come and he told me "come here and walk the trails" 

Now.....my idea of walking on trails is to mosey along and look at stuff.  Enjoy nature.  Breathe.

HIS idea was to try and kill me.

He walked ahead of me.....way ahead of me, at a steady pace and i thought i was going to die trying to keep up with him.  I couldn't.  And he did it on purpose.  I walked a trail at a fast (for me) clip like my life depended on it.......which, it may have.  I'm not entirely sure he wouldn't have left me out there to figure it out.

I kept telling myself, this is too fast, i'm going to get hurt, i'm going to fall down, pain, i can't breathe, i'm gonna literally die ..........and it didn't matter because i had to keep going so i didn't lose him.  i'd say about half way through he waited for me, and told me to stop looking down at my feet and to look ahead of myself and just walk,  Don't think, just go.  And i had every excuse ready to come out of my face but he was already off.....and i followed.  And i hated him a little bit.

more that a little bit.

I swore he was purposely not allowing me to catch up, because i am hella slow.  All of a sudden i thought......i'm gonna catch up to that bastard if it kills me.  And i picked up speed and promptly fell on my face.  Then i jumped up before he could turn around and see me on the ground and thought I WILL DO THIS without dying.

And i huffed, and puffed and told myself to keep going, just keep going.  You got this.  You can do this.  

Until we hit the hill we had initally come down and i realized i had to go up that fucker.  He was egging me on, not encouraging me, he was egging me .....told me i didn't need to hold on to trees, JUST WALK..and i started to panic.  He said "get out of your head" and kept right on walking.  Understand....he was way ahead of me.  I got about half way and started to get dizzy, then stumbled.  He was at the top and said, "don't stop, don't sit down.  It will be harder if you stop, keep going"......and then i couldn't see him anymore.  I took another step, and sat down on the ground and cried like a baby.  My body was shaking, i was drenched in sweat, i couldn't breathe and wasn't going to make it up the goddamned hill.

THIS fucking SUCKS  HE's such a DICK.

Then a voice in my head.........get the fuck up and do this right NOW.  I stopped my mental breakdown crybaby sit and panic episode .............stood up.........and started again.

He was right.  It was harder.

So i went slow and steady.  I didn't try to catch up.  I just put one foot in front of the other and focused on just doing it.

And the thing is............I did.

He beat my ass, of course.  He stood at the edge of the trail where we had parked, telling me i was almost there.  That it was almost over.  Come on.  you got this.

And.......i did.

I may have cried.......temper tantrum? release?  whatever you want to call it..........i made the choice to keep doing it.  

I have NEVER been a physical person.  I fall down for no reason.  My whole life ive been told i'm a clutz.  

He told me everyone he walks with on that trail falls down at least once.  

He said it's not easy, that trail walking will strengthen my ankles and that walking on pavement is good for endurance and cardio, but trail walking is a workout.

I love that he EXPECTED i could do it when so many people before him, men, never had any belief that i could.  That i have never had that belief myself.

That i could do better than what i thought i could.  

Will i do it again?  Yes.  Will i do it at that pace?  Probably not by myself.  But i will be conscious that i must sweat, i must breath hard, i must be UNCOMFORTABLE and I must not be afraid to fall.  I will do this trail by myself and with him until i can do it without challenge.  Like he did.......he just WALKED and smoked a CIGAR while he did it.  

I may fall in love with this prick.  

Never alone

 I didnt write the message below. It was posted in a facebook singles group and the original author wasnt named. This is so succinctly beautiful and true. I need to keep this so i can remember....no matter what, im never truly alone.

It feels heavy when you realize that living life alone might be the safest choice. As you get older, the picture shifts. The dream of building a life with someone steady begins to fade, replaced by the understanding that it may never happen. And the realization does not arrive in chaos or heartbreak. It comes quietly, in a simple moment.

You are in the kitchen, holding a warm mug of tea. Dinner for one simmers on the stove. The room stays still. No voices. No laughter. Just the sound of the refrigerator humming and the spoon gently tapping the edge of the cup. 

That is when it settles in—this life, as it stands, belongs to you. Quiet. Unshared. Entirely yours.

You never made the decision to be alone. That decision slowly arrived after too many conversations filled with perfect words but empty action. It happened after long talks at 2 a.m., after shared playlists, after voice notes that made promises they never kept. One day the replies slowed. The energy shifted. You stared at your phone, wondering if you were asking for too much or simply too easy to forget.

You met people who were still carrying their past, still tied to people they claimed were out of their lives. Some stayed just long enough to disrupt your peace but never long enough to offer real presence. They held on to you loosely, refusing to let go, yet never offering anything firm to hold onto.

You live in a time where confusion is dressed up as love. Where emotional unavailability looks like strength. Where detachment feels more common than honesty. The truth is, choosing to remain single often feels like the only way to protect your peace and well-being.

You know what you bring. You know what lives in your heart. But sometimes it feels like you will never find a place to bring that love. The table remains empty, no matter how much you carry.

Eventually, you stopped asking. You stopped waiting. You stopped offering your heart to people who only ever showed up halfway.

Now, everything happens alone. You carry in the groceries. You cook your favorite meals. You take yourself out—to bookstores, cafés, and little parks with shaded benches. 

In the beginning, it stung. Seeing couples holding hands, laughing, sharing private jokes. But slowly, the silence started to feel calm. The quiet began to feel like peace.

It did not always feel peaceful. The bed once felt too wide. The silence once felt sharp. You missed the small things—someone checking in, remembering how you like your coffee, asking if you made it home safe. But with time, you stopped expecting it. You stopped checking your phone. You stopped offering pieces of yourself to people who never planned to stay.

Now, your phone stays quiet. The low battery alert feels more familiar than any “good morning” text. No one calls to ask about your day. And somehow, you have learned to be okay with that.

You light candles at dinner. You buy flowers for your kitchen table. You drive with your favorite music playing, windows down, no one in the passenger seat. You sleep soundly across the entire bed. There is no confusion. No disappointment. No need to beg for affection.

People say you are strong. They admire your independence. But they do not see the nights you cry into your pillow. They do not feel the weight you carry alone. They do not hear the quiet disappointment of getting through another day without anyone truly showing up.

Still, you keep going. You show up for yourself. Again and again.

Maybe healing looks like this. Soft. Steady. Silent. Maybe it means choosing yourself every day, even when no one else does.

And if real love finds you—present, honest, consistent—you might welcome it.

But if it never comes?

This life you built is still enough.

You are still enough.

And in this quiet space you created, alone no longer means empty. It means safe. It means home...

trust is an issue

 I feel like i look for reasons not to trust, and in the past i've cut men off quickly and easily simply because something they said didn't match up.

I've been an idiot and i've been cured.

After my last long term relationship of 13 years, i was a hurting woman.  I had a big empty space in my life that used to hold him, and i needed it to be gone.  Then i met Michael, a man who had a great job, had a house, lived alone (not with a mamma) and actually smiled, a lot.  He looked like my type.  He treated me nicely (which isn't a standard, it SHOULD be a given, but i was wounded) and he liked me back.

When we dated a few months, with no sex - or really anything at all, I thought he was being a gentleman. Yes, because i was an idiot.

When he suggested i move in with him instead of purchasing a condo, I agreed.  I thought whats the big deal?  I can always move out and buy a condo if it doesn't work.  Because i was an idiot.

I moved in with him because i thought we were in a relationship.  

As soon as i moved in, any kind of trying on his end rapidly stopped.  We tried to have sex one time after i jumped through hoops trying to seduce him.  He said he was broken.

What he really was, was a con man.

He needed a second income to keep his home.  He needed someone who would take care of his home, and him.  He needed.  And he took.  And he never told the truth.

Even up to the end when I told him i was moving out.....he never told the truth.

We were together a year, almost to the date and i never considered him a relationship.  I lived with him, and never considered him a comfort.  I grew to hate him quickly.  I had been duped.  I had been used.

The thing is, he could have just said "why don't you rent a room" and i might have considered it.  I was living with my bestie and her husband at the time and I was ready to go out and live again after having a safe space to heal for almost a year.  

Instead, i moved in as a partner, and was a glorified renter that didn't even get my own space.  I put money into the house because it needed fixing.  I bought appliances because i wanted them.  I gave the house cosmetic improvements, decorated, cleaned........made it a home.  And went into debt.  While i was with him, he paid the cards because it was his house and his stuff.  When i left him, i left with the credit card debt and none of the stuff i was paying for.  i tried to collect from him...........but you can't get blood from a stone.

You have to let men be who they are, and learn from it.

I went bankrupt over this "relationship".

It was a hard lesson to learn.  And it has made me suspicious of men who own homes.

Mr. Cigar has an absolutely beautiful home (if a bit empty) on a large and gorgeous property.  I would LOVE to live there if we ever actually worked out.

You can live in a perfect place and if it's with the wrong person your life will be hell.

Last night i brought him dinner because he asked. I love that he lives so close that dropping for a little while is worth it.  He's up the road.  That makes seeing each other very easy.  

He tried to pay me for the dinner i brought for both of us.  I declined.  He tried again - I declined again and told him not to make it weird.  I can pick up dinner once in a while.  He takes me out,  i can do the same sometimes. He didn't seem comfortable but he let it go. Thank you. 

Then we (okay I) played with the dogs while we talked and he prepped their food.  We ended up sitting together, and i mean almost on top of each other, in the living room - where there is literally a mile of leather couches.......and basically punked each other like little kids, laughing and being stupid.  Then the music.....he started scrolling through his playlist and playing tunes.  This man can sing.  I can't tell you what a feeling that gave me.  He has a great voice.  Gave me feels.

except.........he likes Nickelback.  I'm going to consider that no one is perfect. 

And if you know me, you know i love music.  

It got late (9pm lol) and i had to go because i'm lame and we both work early in the morning. We had spent the entire evening talking, and REALLY hanging out together....with no kissy face. (there was a very well placed slap on the ass that reminded me he's interested in more than my humor)  I (we?) had the best time!  

I got my hug, and my goodbye kiss........and the teasing about the bears outside.....

I mean, this is how its supposed to be isn't it?

However, the thoughts of Michael and how I let him destroy my credit because i wanted to believe he was a good man..........that is always in the back of my head.

Two incomes is way better than one.  But there has to be honesty and transparency.  I am hyper sensitive and yes, scared about finances mixed with any man.  

And this is why we go slow.  And enjoy it for what it is - the beginning of a new relationship with a man I can see myself with.  High hopes.  Low expectations. 

Is this normal?

 Had an intense day at work yesterday - mentally.  Checking myself, double checking, moving on, doing it again.  I just want it right.

No, i want it perfect.

By the afternoon i was tired.  I texted Mr. Cigar (I think thats what i will call him here) that the day needed to end already.  (Maybe i should call him Mr. Fire since he was a firefighter for 26 years...? )

He said "you should come meet the dogs"

And so, i did.

I met him at his house, met the puppers (HUGE) got a tour of his home (beautiful) and his property (gorgeous) then we hopped in his truck and went out to eat.

He asked me if i liked such and such, i said i did, and he ordered for us. 

He had me laughing during dinner- seemed to enjoy it.

Then we took a ride and went back to his home.

There was some kissing. There was some babying the boys (the DOGS). There was some talking about stuff.  No situationship for me....or him. Agreed.  Move slow. Agreed. 

And then i went home.

Had no idea that was what my evening would be.  He's only 15 minutes away, on back roads - basically up the street.  

So, there's that.

what am i thinking?

I just added the guy i'm talking with to a singles group i'm in.

I was telling him about it, and he asked me the name of the group.......so i added him.

to a singles group.

This has been the most unique dating experience thus far.  

I feel pretty calm.  Pretty aware.  

I'd be a little hurt if he ghosted, or started dating someone in the group, but not devastated.

So i guess thats a good sign?

Is this how to date?

LIfe in general

 Spent the weekend with Doug and Jen, decorating their house.  Its literally my home away from home and i will be making them their own key to come and go at my place.  Their daughter is moving home with her two sons in a couple of months.  Life is changing.

So now they can run away too.

We were out shopping for the house and while standing in line, I heard a woman's voice.  I felt nauseous. I turned to look at her and got the absolute worst vibe ever.  I could see the toxic waving off of her.  She put my whole mood on funky.  I can't remember the last time i've had such a strong reaction to someone in public.

Not good.

Plane tickets are purchased..........florida here we come.  This will be my third year going to New Smyrna and i'm beyond excited to get there, and relax.  My favorite restaurant of all time is there, The Garlic.  and we have traditions.......we have to go to the Taco Shack, the Dairy Queen and The Breakers and Flagler Tavern.  But i would give up all of them if i could only choose one and it would be The Garlic.  

I ate mussels there (and i don't eat mussels) and snails (and i don't eat snails) that are simply the BEST things i have ever eaten.

And the beaches.

And of course, Doug and Jen.

This year we have all of shenanigans (whats left of us) going.  

I'm overwhelmed at work........thoughts of Mr. Tattoo (grrrr) my ex, the guy i just met.......Men just take up too much of the space in my head.

Not my favorite

 Waking up to a text from my ex bf's ex baby mama.........not my favorite.

over a year ago i engaged with her when she called my phone at 6:00am and i answered it because i thought it was a staff member calling out of work.  I didn't recognize the number.  I admit, i found some pleasure in her crazy. I admit, I enjoyed knowing exactly how she felt and i hoped she was a nervous wreck that would be told she was "crazy". 

You stupid bitch.  You knew you were running around with someone elses man, you knew your happiness was on another womans tears....and then you think you are going to get understanding from her?'

fuck off.

I still remember that pain.  I still remember how that whole situation deconstructed how i felt about myself, my place in the world and men.  

I had a family, i had friends, i had a home for the first time in my life and i had a man that was a pain in the ass, irresponsible, and selfish but i loved him.  Good or bad.  And I lost all of that because of HIM, not her.  She didn't owe me anything, but he did.  So i sent her one message and told her.

And she decided to carry on with him.

You got what you deserved.  They both did.

And so did I.  Because i'm not sharing my life with a man who cheats on me and i don't have to co-parent with a woman who cares only for herself.  

Karma bitches.

I'm liking this new man.  We are getting to know each other.  He calls me like a grown up.  There are some concerns, but i'm keeping my eyes open.  He does make me laugh.  Loudly.  He surprises me, and i like how he talks to and treats his dogs.

That matters.

He may make me cry eventually.  I guess thats a risk i have to take.  

O Henry

 Today i am reminded of Henry.  

God he is so handsome and has that radio talk show host voice.

We went around a few times.  He was good to me, took me out - treated me very well but would never have me to his home.

Was strange.

Thought of him today because i'm listening to 70's music and that was our jam, what we connected on.  We'd lay in bed and listen to one hit wonders, and know all the words.

I thought that was pretty damn cool.  And he didn't make fun of me for it. 

He had a hair trigger temper.  I wouldn't see it coming.  We would be having a conversation, i'd say something to piss him off (of course) and he would go off the deep end.  zero to 60 in a second.

And when he was angry he was nasty.

So......bye bye Henry.  I aint got time for that shit. 

Sometimes pretty on the outside is really ugly inside.

And he brought out the ugly in me.  I'm vicious when attacked.  He is someone who got firmly blocked everywhere because i know he'd come sniffing around again in a few months when he thought i would have cooled down.

Maybe i'm thinking about him because i was reminded of him a bit last night.  When a man is so charming......is he really?  Whats going on in that head when he's not charming? 

I was never afraid of my ex bf. Even during the one physical altercation that took place I knew he wasn't going to actually harm me permanently.  He could have. He certainly hurt my self esteem, my sense of self, and any kind of self worth i may have had........but he wasn't someone to push me down the stairs (ex husband).  Ha.

How heartbreaking.  That we are imperfect humans with parts of us that are very ugly.  

Here goes my self talk.  What would a successful handsome man want with me?  

Oh and today during lunch, i was watching Theresa Caputo on Hulu.......she talks to spirits.  It occurred to me that aside from my father there is no one dead that would have a message for me. He is literally the only one that might care enough.  

I love dating.  It brings out the BEST in me! wahoo!

or not

 There is something wrong with me.

I get taken out for a nice dinner, share a bottle of wine and good conversation.......handsome guy, has his act together, funny.  Nothing wrong.  Even a sick sense of humor......

And .....i feel nothing. 

I mean, i had fun. I like him. 

Maybe it was the talk about all his money and how much he's worth and all his toys and investments.

When i tell you i'm not materialistic, i mean it.  Those things are all great but they can all be gone in an instant.  And they can't give you a full body hug when your world is falling apart......as a matter of fact, it might be BECAUSE of all those things that he is never around because he has to work to keep it. 

Or i'm just stupid. 

Heres' the thing.  Those are HIS things.  Because of that, he may feel he has the upper hand......and without it, he may not be much of a man.   Or maybe hes an incredible man because he's earned all these things with good choices and hard work.

Can go either way.

I honestly didn't think he was interested in me beyond our dinner last night.  It was cold as hell and when we left the restaurant i came as close to i can to a run to my car.  I said "give me a hug, i'm cold" and didn't leave any time or question about anything more than that before i jumped into my car.

He told me to let him know when i got home.  Nice.

He called me as i was walking in the door.  

And we proceeded to have another full out conversation before we were both yawning so much talk was impossible.

Okay?

He texted me early - as he does.  When i woke up there's a message - which i honestly didn't expect.  We go back and forth, i say i'll call when i'm out of the shower.

I am not a morning person.  I don't like talk in the morning.  But he's funny and he gets me laughing. 

So strange because i don't know what's going on here.

I don't know if i even want to go out with him again.

I always find a reason not to date a good guy - and this one is a lot.  He's no pushover.  He's a successful business owner and definelty a guys guy.  He has multiple motorcycles, collects expensive items, 4 sleds, home.......all the "stuff".......

But would he treat me like i matter.

Is he even interested?  I can hear my friends in my head "if he wasn't interested he wouldn't keep texting and calling".

This one is a question.  

We'll see what happens.  

Maybe?

 "met" someone.

Vibe is strong.

Been here before.........let's see how this goes.

TikTok and bottom lines

I was home this weekend, on self-induced lockdown.  I purchased a steam cleaner and i couldn't wait to wrap my little hands around that nozzle and pull the trigger.

Oh what fun!  I pulled the stove out, the refrigerator out.....i blasted every little bit of crust out of my kitchen.  It felt magnificent. There is no better feeling if you ask me.  

Mrs. Ciccia would be so proud of me.

And then i had to dust, clean the carpets, wipe down the walls, laundry, etc......I was in full out spring clean mode.  

Now to maintain.  I found out years ago that all that yelling i did at the kids to clean up after themselves....yeah, it was me.  I was the hurricane.  

Saturday night i pulled apart a chunky knit blanket that i had hand stitched (poorly) so i could re-do it correctly.  I decided to try tiktok live after seeing one of my friends do a live while folding his laundry.  I thought if thats all you have to do ......hell, i can do that.

So i sat my butt down, positioned my phone and hit "live".  It was surprisingly fun.  It was better than going out and i got to be productive (hand knitting my blanket) while interacting with people.  It's wierd that i'm the only one on the screen, and the only one actually talking, but it was fun to read the comments and answer back.

It was almost like going on a date with a lot of people at once.

In this case "a lot" was max 10 people.

Apparently the more lives you do, the more options you have.  So eventually i will be able to notify people who follow me that i am on live so they can join.  That might be weird.  Or not.  hell, all i can be is myself.

No politics.  No religion.  I repeated several times that i don't believe in joining ANY large groups of thoughts.  One person kept trying to God talk me - My standard answer is "that is like asking me what color underware i have on.  None of your business. "

Sunday i did it again, and this time i went with no makeup and granny glasses.  I simply do not care if they find me attractive.  The funny thing is, people ALWAYS comment on my hair.  

It's new, and kind of fun.  I can see me getting into it as long as it doesn't get too deep.  Keep it light, fun, and positive.  Be encouraging and supportive.  Try to be some positive light in a world that needs it.  When someone comments something gross or inappropriate, i simply ask why they choose to be unkind, and then i ignore it.

Mr. Jersey wants to pop on my live when i do it.....that will be so cool.  He's got great vibes. (and lips but thats a different situation)

That fucker Mr. Tattoo has successfully replanted himself in my brain since texting me.  Here's the messed up part.  If he asked me out, i would go.  If he asked me to try again.  I would.  If he wanted me to be a situationship again, i'd tell him to fuck right off.  But he's seeing someone, and thats not going to happen because he already knows i want more than he will ever be able to give.  I want his trust.  

Anyways, it's okay to meet someone and fall into a deep hole.  As long as you dig yourself out to see the light again.  Bad things happen in life.  Horrible things.  Good things also happen.  We have to be able to appreciate and feel both in order to say we are living.  otherwise, we are just waiting to die.  

I haven't been with anyone since Mr. Tattoo.  My life changed.  I had what i wanted, and i won't settle for men who don't know how to treat me. He showed me there are good men who know how to treat a woman and i bet there are even men who can allow themselves to get attached.  There are ALSO men who are consistent and purposeful.  Thats what i want.

And in the meantime, i will date my ass off to meet him.  But no nookie.  I'll wait for someone who values me enough to say we are together and can't wait for everyone to know it because he is proud to be with me.

Nothing less.

Saturday yay!

 Today is my favorite kind of day.  I woke up at 5am and just decided to scroll my phone and fall back to sleep.  There are no "have to's" today.  I did all my chores last night...well more than regular chores.  I went nuts last night.

I closed my computer after working remotely and immediately took a few gummies.  Then i unboxed my new steamer cleaner and read the instructions while i was still coherent.  That done, i put some 60s rock on and began the deconstruction of every single crack and crevice in my kitchen and went to TOWN.

My facebook post:  "If you don't know why i'm so excited to eat some gummies, put on some blues and use my new steam machine to clean every crevice in my kitchen.....we can't be friends.  You don't understand me."

Those that know me, know.  I've been dying to get into this steam clean.

I also shampooed my carpets and cleaned/steamed the bathroom. 

It was a lovely friday night.  I accomplished all the things and went to be tired and satisfied.

This morning when my eyes popped open i smiled.  I don't have to get up now.  I don't have to do any chores. (well, laundry) I can take the whole day to do WHATEVER the fuck i want.  I haven't decided what that is yet, but i promise you, it does not involve leaving the house.

As i made my kuerig coffee i thought about how nice it is when i stay with Doug and Jen and wake up to the smell of a pot brewing.  He makes the coffee every night before bed, even after a party or if we've been up late eating gummies and watching old music videos from the 80's. I feel very pampered there, but to them, thats normal life.

I want that.  However, i could just take the coffee pot out (like i do when they stay with me) and make myself coffee every night so i can awake to the smell.  There's not much anyone can't do by themself.

At their house, i wake up when i wake up.......smell the coffee...grab a cup and go sit quietly in the living room.  Sometimes it 5am, and i'm first.  Or sometimes its 7am and Jen beats me.  Each one of us wakes, gets a cup, and goes to sit in the living room until the others wake up.  Then there is "good mornings" and quiet chatting until we are all fully awake.  

I love that.  

I always wanted that with a man...and yet, i have it with my friends.  Not every day.  But enough to remind me that life is good.

I'm not really a morning person.  I get up immediately when the alarm goes off, i get going into my morning routine.........but i'm not awake.  I just go and hopefully wake up in the shower. I don't want to talk, or make choices.  I literally hate having to talk first thing in the morning.

cuddle up, quietly.  THAT i can do.  but no talking until i'm fully with it.  It's always a surprise what comes out of my mouth if that rule is broken.

i'm basically a three year old pissed off that i have to get out of bed.  

So when i can rise with no "have to's" for the day...........it's a good day.  I'm perfectly happy to spend the day at home, doing projects i want to do, making my home more my home with less stuff.  Tomorrow i will bring a trunk full of stuff to Good Will and get rid of it. If it's nice out, i may try to organize the deck and get it ready for flowers.  If i feel like it.

Because all my stuff is done.  Nothing is on fire.  

Heard from Mr. Tattoo yesterday morning and didn't even realize it because i was so deep into work I never checked my phone.  Then i jumped into chores and didn't see his text until i was getting ready for bed.

Gave me a jolt.

He blocked me on facebook.  I kinda thought he had blocked me period.  I don't fool myself into thinking he thinks of me.  Last time i heard from him he told me he had someone.  I did not expect that information to hurt as much as it did.  But it has nothing to do with me, or my worth.  He just wasn't into me.  simple.  

He thought he saw me.  That was the text.  It wasn't me, so i said that.  done. It's very strange to me that i can have a full out friendship with my ex of 13 years- and that happened because of Mr. Tattoo.  I realized i was completely over my ex because of how strongly i felt for this man.......that i barely knew.

Life is strange.   It's okay to not get my way, or have someone in my life that i want.  That's just life.  We can't always get what we want.

But if we try sometimes we get what we need. 

But why

 Last night/this morning? I had dreams about Mr. Tattoo.

I hate that.

I made him into the perfect man, glorified him in my mind, and then was crushed when it didn't work out.

He's just a man.

I saw what i wanted to see and ignored the red flags he freely waved.  He had a lot of trauma in his life, he is extremely avoidant, emotionally vacant, and unfortunately, very savy and smart.  He knows how to treat a woman but that doesn't mean he can have feelings for her.

His history with them should have told me.  He failed to mention a second marriage completely.  

I loved how he kept his home.....it was neat, clean, decorated tastefully - I even asked if his ex decorated it.  The man has good taste.  I loved his bathroom LOL

He always had snacks and candles lit.  He asked me what i drank and when i casually mentioned several things he stocked his bar with all of them.

I mean, whats not to like?

He just knows how to treat a woman.  Very. Well. Everywhere.  wink wink.  That alone goes for miles with me.  But it no longer keeps me interested if everything else doesn't also line up.

So why after all this time of me not thinking of him, does he appear in my dreams to taunt me?

Not my favorite thing to wake up wondering.

Maybe i'm supposed to remember the lesson?  I sure as hell hope i am not anyones "lesson" in life.  

Go away Mr. Tattoo.  You already sucked up too much of my time and energy with your blue eyes, tattoed body and gravel voice.  Go away.

housekeeping

A few housekeeping items for me to put away:

I heard from my gf last night which was nice.  Our dinner the other night went well, was like old times...even if i'm a bit timid about jumping right in to our old ways.  I've missed her.  Not sure i can trust that she won't just turn her back on me again.  Time will tell.  Taking it very slowly.

Mr. Jersey- still reaches out sporadically which is always a nice surprise.  I watch his new content when he posts it and see all the women basically throwing themselves at him.  He responds kindly to most, some more blatant comments go ignored.  He was an excellent date and i am looking forward to seeing him again in the future but it's pretty obvious to me this man has a woman in every location.  Considering he's not offering anything, thats not a problem.  I have to remind myself sometimes.

Work- crazy, and yet so up in the air.  Still no word on what my position will turn into once my boss goes part time and they hire someone to take on his role.  The unknown is uncomfortable for me but when i look at it.........isn't everything unknown?

Last night i got into Animal Crossing again.  I had a creative burst and had to work it out on the game.  I've been away, uninspired and stuck, so it's nice to return with a excitement i haven't had in a bit.

Reading an okay book by Freida McFadden, "The Boyfriend"....it's engaging, not too deep.  Also listening to a new Sarah J Maas first book in a series "Throne of Glass".  Also, not too deep and pretty engaging.

Been doing my "adult coloring" and then cutting it out and adding it to my bullet/junk journal.  Feeling pretty creative all the way around.  Since i won't buy anything else for the apartment, and i'm trying to actually get RID of stuff.......i need the creative juices to go somewhere more confineable...is that a word?

Looking forward to a weekend at home, putzing around and cleaning.  It's that spring clean time and hopefully i won't bust a lightbulb into a million peices again like i did LAST weekend.  What a pain in the ass to clean.

Oh, got my annual review yesterday - All "excellents" and "Very goods".........no Satisfactory or lower.  Not too shabby for only being in this position for a year.  I'll take it.  Of course i asked what i can improve on and my boss told me to keep doing what i've been doing.  

My worst fear is that i will turn into one of those old lady workers  that everyone is waiting for her to retire because she adds nothing to the position and causes more work for everyone.  I refuse to let that happen.

So, random cleanup/update thoughts- Nice to know Maine couldn't be bought. 

My tooth AND my wallet

 It's not bad enough going to a specialist for something that is basic.  Add to that, that waiting to go, and then the hours before the day OF going, and finally the GOING.  With sweat bullets and jitters, an upcoming stress headache and upset stomache ALL BECAUSE you are going.

To sit in that dental chair, have two more xrays and then have him come in and tell you "yep you need to have that tooth out."

Which i already knew.  Which my dentist already told him.  Which i had waited a week in agony to hear.

And then be told the next available appointment is June 30th.

And then be charged $100 for sitting in the chair.

What the actual fuck.  

So here i sit today, still in pain with my wallet a lot lighter.  I love dental care. 

At least my home internet works again and it didn't cost me any extra.  I'm still waiting for Frontier fiber to be available in my area and as SOON as it is i'm switching.

Yesterday i signed up for Mint Mobile and that was a cluster fuck with Comcast.  Yesterday was just a day i spent stressing out and getting nowhere.

But today, i have a referral going from my dentist office to where i work, and hopefully i will get in sooner with them.  

But today, i have internet that works at home.

But today, i have a new cell phone service that is costing me about 1/2 of what i was paying for an already decent price.

I'm still making moves.

I'm still looking out for me.

And my damn tooth still hurts.