Married men and COVID

 Yesterday someone from my past popped up.  I've referred to him before, the guy I dated shortly that works at the same place as me (although in a different department and building which is how I foolishly justified it) The one that turned out to still be married?  But I only found out about THAT recently due to my taking a new job within the same company and working with people who know him.  So I found out by overhearing a conversation.

Now I have to say I've dated a married man, although, I had no knowledge of it. 

Men are shit.

Some men.

The men I pick.

Anyways, he found my social media and commented and now thinks I want to have conversations with him.  Because of what happened to him, and his health, his memory seems off.  I have no sympathy.  No care.  No interest.  He is still the guy that cheated on his wife and lied to me and I'm going to bet many others.

I never even counted him as a relationship.  He was an experience.  And turned out not a good one.  Although I learned a lot from him, found a whole new world because of him, he also put his hands on me ONCE.  If we hadn't been in a public parking lot, and if another male who smelled trouble hadn't followed us outside, that would have been a bigger story.  That night turned out to be a test of my survival mode and intelligence on how to deal with a drunk angry man who had no boundaries.

What fun.

So no.  His reappearance is not welcome.  Hell, I MOVED so he wouldn't know where I lived anymore, I threatened him with reporting him to HR when he started harassing me on my work phone because he was blocked on my personal phone.  I stopped going to the cafe and tried not to go anywhere outside my department and office until ironically, COVID sent most of us home to work.  

Strange to say that the pandemic had perfect timing for me.  Let me say, I will NEVER date anyone I work with again.  I always had that rule and in this case, I validated breaking it.  I learned the hard way.  Don't mix business with so called pleasure.  

Some days

 Some days i struggle with something to write about.  I've tried to make writing a part of my morning routine, and admittedly I don't really stick to that on the weekend.

I arrive at work ridiculously early and I take that time to myself to write while I have a cup of coffee.

Mr. Jersey seems to be a reply guy.  He peppers me with text messages and pictures (I do really like his style) but nothing of any real substance.  So I will let that go on until it peters out.  He's not a jerk.

I finished reading the book "All the wonderful and ugly things" yesterday and I've never read a novel like this before.  It kept me reading, but I couldn't figure out if I was routing for the two mains or if I was disgusted.  I love books like that,that you think are going to be a little story but turn into conflicting feelings........you know, like real life.

Now I'm on to the next book - which hopefully will grab me like the last.  I've been reading a lot again and also, playing with the damn switch, which I'm WaY too excited about.  No one can truly call me a gamer because I only really play the one game and that I mostly to impress my 6 year granddaughter....

SIDE NOTE:

I'm messaging with a man I date a couple of years ago on a dating app.  He was a nice man, he treated me really well. I was working 2 jobs at the time and he offered to meet me in between to take me to dinner and brought me flowers kind of nice.  Old fashioned, chivalrous, romantic.........but he has 2 very young children.  In a way it was good because he didn't require a lot of time from me at least every other weekend.  BUT there were other small things.  He didn't listen to me when I told him I had a weekend off and I needed to stay home in pj's and just stay away from the world.  That was when I broke it off.

We probably should have just had an argument.  But I ended it.  I think because of  his having much younger kids.

Anyways, we chat back and forth and lament on dating.

Today he is very chatty.

Mr. Jersey popped in to say hello and promptly disappeared as he does.

Cake boy, who I went out with on Saturday night, is feeling chatty today.  I'm not sure how much more clear I can be that I'm not interested.

and now, to just add a nice layer of poop on top of it all - Mr. Married, the guy from work I dated years ago who turns out to be MARRIED has found my tiktok and keeps messaging me.  He can't work anymore because he had a major stroke but apparently he can bother me.

What the fuck is in the air?

it's working

I no longer feel like a bottomless pit.  I no longer feel nauseous all day, nor am i getting up in the middle of the night to vomit.  I went off the Ozempic, had a month of stuffing my face like an out of control maniac, and now, I'm on Mounjaro.

There are people who think drugs are not needed to lose weight, and I would agree.  However, I'm not someone who can stand the constant feelings of hunger no matter how much I eat.  I don't get full.  Even when I was a child, my mother used to say she never knew I was sick until I was REALLY sick because I never stopped eating.

I've had a lifelong struggle with food, even though I was not overweight until I became pregnant with my son.  During that pregnancy I gained 70 pounds and I did not loose that "baby weight" until he was 12 years old..........I went on weight watchers and it took me 18 months to lose it.  And I lost more than I needed to......i kept going.  To the point where friends were telling me they were concerned.

I didn't have an eating disorder.  I had a bad marriage and was going through a divorce.  The divorce diet just happened to tag on to the end of my purposeful diet.

I kept the weight off for over a decade, and never really thought about what I was eating.  I didn't feel like I was starving, nor did I feel the need to eat everything in the house.  I was a normal eater.  I didn't start gaining weight until I injured my knee, quit smoking, had a mini nervous breakdown, and then went through a breakup within 2 years.

And then, the weight just kept coming.  Slowly and surely.  I'd go through periods of trying different things, lose some weight, and then gain it all back and more.

I had watched my mother do this while I was growing up.  She would be HUGE and then she would look like a skeleton.  Then she would be huge again.  My mother was a tall and large woman.  There was nothing small about her even when she was skelator.  I look like a munchkin in comparison.  I would have loved the height, but I'm grateful I didn't get her overall largeness.

No.....i get the short and fat genes from god knows where.

Regardless.  It seems that I have inherited my mothers continuous struggle with weight loss.  Or at least, the way she deals with life.

I'm beginning to correlate stress with overeating.  But, I'm not stressed.  So.......wtf?

I'm 56 so age is a huge factor, however, my appetite should be diminishing, not increasing, with age.

so there's that.

I'm keeping an open mind, trying to identify when I seem to run to food (because it takes calories to gain no matter what the reason) and then maybe I can handle the emotional eating.

For now, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the medication will assist my bottomless pit feeling. So far, on the lowest dose, I'm feeling the difference.  My goal is to fit into size 10.  Thats my happy, steady, normal place ...where I was for many many years.  I've been size 8 and even 6 but that was when people said I looked sick.

so it's not a specific weight I'm going for, it's a size.

Not a new years resolution.  Its a life adjustment.  For me.  And only me. 

In the streets

" last night I went out with a man who has been asking me out for 2 years. I was very honest about not feeling that way about him and he insisted that he just wanted us to get to know each other better. throughout the night he kept making reference to getting more intimate. I am far from a prude but I am so tired of this. literally anyone can get sex. I want the whole package. I have to be able to get to know the man to see if I even like him. The dates that I have gone on always seem to be like they're on a mission to get into bed. I told him I want to date like it's 1986 where people took the time to get to know each other, Go out on dates, have things escalate slowly.... no one wants to put that kind of time in anymore. I think I'm done."

I posted the message above in the 50+ and single group on facebook. The response was a LOT of comments from women saying they are experiencing the same thing. We are all tired, bored and disappointed with men's behavior. We are done accepting it.

There was a time when I fell for the "we aren't kids, we are adults" bullshit. There was a time when I told myself that I didn't want to get involved either, that I just wanted some short term entertainment so I didn't completely lose my sex drive. Both times passed quickly. I'm not sure how these men are finding it satisfying at all. It gets really old, really quick. It gets boring. Going from one person to the other without getting to know them aside from carnally .......what is the point to that? Conquest? How is it conquest when from what I've been reading in this group is more of a giving up? Women feel like they have to play this game to get the man and yet.......they aren't getting the man.

Men get really defensive when I or any woman "overgeneralizes" and the funny thing is many men in the group are actually supportive and tell us there are good guys out here looking for what we are looking for. In my case, they live SO FAR away and it does matter to me.

It's the same old thing. Constantly. Then I watched a video that said you attract what you seek, so if you are tired of getting men from the streets, stop putting yourself out there for men in the streets. Simple.

Right?

PEACE

After careful consideration, I have decided to withdraw my application.

There.  That was easy.  Now I can return to enjoying my life and being enveloped in peace.

Focusing on what is real and present in my life is the sane way to live.  Lets try that for a bit, shall we?

This weekend can't come soon enough.  I am so looking forward to working on my 2025 bullet journal (finishing touches) and getting my grocery list in line with eating healthy.  I'm listening to an audiobook "The book of doors" by Gareth Brown and reading "All the Ugly and Wonderful Things" by Bryn Greenwood.  Still staying away from the true crime podcasts for a bit. I've got some cleaning and relaxing by myself to do.  Besides the bullet journal I have a few projects that hopefully I will have time to dip into.

Hell, I might just sit and stare out the window with a cup of coffee.

The point is, it will be peaceful.

..........i have an addiction to blankets and candles.  Recently, I've run out of candles however I purchased the most softest furriest heavy blanket for my bed that I literally cannot wait to get back into with my book.  I heard it's going to be cold this weekend, so perfect timing!  

It's a stay in the house and hibernate type of weekend where I shut off the world and live in my very own.  I'll be refueling, recentering, recalibrating....all the re's.  

I hope you enjoy your weekend as much as I'm going to cherish mine.

and one more thing

Shenanigans is what i named the chat group I started during Covid.  It was quite popular for a while, and a lot of fun.  People joined, and left, joined and left........but there was always "the core" who survived the drama and more drama that some created and lived on.

The chat group no longer exists (well, it does but its now run by someone else and I have no idea who is a member) but the core does.  We try to get together at least once a month, and have gone away together on long weekends.  We now call ourselves "la familia". 

All but one of us met in July of 2021 for the first time in person.  It was memorable for many reasons.....one being that I came face to face with the man who once canceled a date with me because he saw a picture of "my size".  He was polite about it....he said "I'm sorry, but I'm not attracted to big women so there is no point in meeting".  The night of our first group gathering I watched him watch me and regret his polite dismissal.  HA.  We have become friends, he is one of 8 in our familia......but I have enjoyed teasing him through the years.  Eat your words.  No second chances.  

This past weekend we all got together for our holiday gathering.  The vibe started off strange because a couple arrived arguing.  We all ignored it and pretended not to know, but it was......uncomfortable.  Not to mention, this seems to be frequent.  And she cries.  A lot.

Reminds me of myself at one point.  I do not like public displays, and my ex didn't seem to have a problem with it.  It's mortifying.  For a long time I would be a wreck because we would always fight before a party or gathering and I would spend the evening being upset and trying not to be.  The last year, I would piss him off because I no longer gave a shit.  I'd walk into a party and completely forget what had occurred moments before we arrived.  I would ditch him at the door and go have fun with my friends like he didn't exist.  

Anyhoo.....it's a throwback to watch people fight when you know there are issues.  I felt trapped in their situation as much as we all pretended not to know.  

And THEN, Mr. Bill, the one that isn't attracted to fatty's....He seemed to have this fascination with touching my hair all night.  We are all very close, so no big deal.........just........different.  Not sure what he expected from me, but nothing is what he got.  I wondered later if I was supposed to respond differently.

We played cards against humanity x rated version mixed in with the regular version and all was going well.  We were all having a good time being stupid.  Then, Mr. Bill decides to make a big announcement......"for this card lets not play the game, lets identify who in this room this card resembles"....and I knew immediately I was the target.  

I  tried to find the card later but couldn't.  It said something about being a hot mess.  I automatically spoke up and said, well that's ME.  and everyone laughed and we moved on........but honestly, I was hurt.  THEN I thought about the hot mess theory....yes, there is one.....that the more intelligent a person is, the less coherent their behavior tends to be.  

So fuck you Mr. dumbass Bill.  I'm smart enough not to discount someone's worth based on their weight so I don't have to lust after them for years because they are so much fun yet never standing a chance. After all, you wasted yours. 

There. 

Now I can move on.

work, home, work, home

The alarm wasn't set yesterday morning and I actually overslept.  That rarely happens.......i woke with one eye and thought "the room is very light" and then asked Alexa what time it was...then I asked her what day it was.....without moving an inch out from under my covers where my feet stuck out at the bottom....

Then I dove from the bed considering not taking a shower and what I might wear in a hurry....like the old days when I would wake up at his house on a Friday morning and not be left with enough time for all the  get ready for work stuff.....

But that's not who I am anymore.  Im not at that place where I have to worry if I'm 2 minutes late or if I'm going to be "in trouble" if I'm late.  So I took my shower, dressed myself and put my hair in a pony tail with light makeup.  All set.  I'll buy lunch today as a treat.  Out the door.

Since I get to work early every day, I wasn't even late.

I'm that good.

Now...........if a man was in the house.......well.  

Then when I came home from work I took Miyagi outside where he said "bullshit" and ran back up the steps....that was a really short walk.  Made myself a girl dinner.......simple bagel with butter.......then hopped on to my switch to redesign my Animal Crossing home while I listened to the end of my audio book "Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine" by Gail Honeyman. 4 stars.  

My bestie called and I had her pick up my nexium dupe at Sams club and then venmo'd her the $$$.   While we chatted on the phone I picked up the mess I made getting ready for work and did some dishes.  I wasn't alone even though I was alone.

Then it was scroll through my phone, get into bed and do more scrolling.....sleep.

This morning the alarm was set.

Back to work.

And......do it all again. 

Note to self

 Here's a blog that can only be described as "meandering" 

Do all singles in their 50's feel socially handicapped while getting to know someone that they may or may not want date?  Do you assume that they must be interested if they are making time to talk to you?

I vacillate between caring too much or not caring at all. I'm not sure which I'm more afraid of. 

Texting - how important is this?  I like to text someone I'm getting to know but not in a routine way.  I don't want good morning and good nights (unless we are texting at night and it's time to go to bed)  I don't want routine, but at the same time, I want consistency.  If we are getting to know each other, I want him to be as curious about me, also wondering about me and what I might be up to ........as I am about him.

I want him to have a life and not be up my butt texting all day every day - but if I'm not hearing from him  I assume he isn't interested in me, or he is more interested in someone else.  My first thought is never, he is busy working, reading, home improving, or with friends.  I always think someone else, some other woman who is more interesting than I is taking his spare moments.

Because that is the way we date now even when in the stages of seeing if you are going to date.....the short texts that lead to longer more personal texts.......blah blah 

I love attention from a man I'm interested in.  That shows me he is thinking of me.  That he is interested in me.  That is pretty basic.  It's the low hanging fruit, and it's also really easy to fake.  Send a random text once in a while and she will think I'm into her..........just in case the one, or many, I'm really interested in doesn't pan out.

Negative right? I'm not fond of this part of myself. 

But jump on social media and you will see that this happens to women (and men too I guess) all the time.  You meet on social media or a dating website, you chit chat, you take it off the site and onto your cell phone by texting and calling. Then it goes to facetiming,  (if you are like me) and THEN you go on a date.  You like each other or not on that first date and it goes from there.

But you can't assume you are the only one.  Because you probably aren't.  It's more obvious with some. 

For instance, Mr. Jersey.  We had conversations where he told me about himself and I told him about myself.  I asked him lots of questions........and he didn't ask any.  He would send me pictures, and say hello at some point during the day....he did ask me to meet him, and then tentatively suggested a date which was pretty far from the ask date......And hasn't talked of it again.  He is an "influencer" on social media, which I believe is when you have actual content and enough followers to make actual money.  I never expected to actually start talking to him.  He's an internet guy.  Are they even real?  He seems like it.

And the ladies love him.  He's attractive, funny, has multiple interests which make him interesting and of course his voice.....well.  I enjoy his content.  Or course I'm not alone.  And that's a good thing for him because I believe that is the point in making content.

BUT......now I'm grappling with the idea of what happens if we like each other.  Can I trust a man that has so many women thirsting after him on social media?  His replies are always pleasant, positive, modest and kind.....I've never seen any of his responses favor anyone.  However, I'm on the other side of privately messaging with him and I'm quite sure I'm not alone in that. 

Is there anything wrong with it? not at all.  Is it something someone like me, with all my triggers, can handle?  Do I even want to meet this man?  Am I that confident and secure? Note: asking a lot of questions of myself is more important than knowing more about this man.  Men either work out or they don't........but I will live with myself till the end and I need to know me better than anyone else.  How much is he saying and how much am I hearing what I want to hear.  All things to consider. 

No, I'm not that confident but my head tells me, this is the way now.  Men have many women on backup and I'm not interested in playing second fiddle.  He travels a lot.  He's already said he would like to see me when he comes to Connecticut...(so no special trip). ........does each state have a friend?  Do these kind of thoughts make me smart and looking out for myself, or do they make me jaded? 

Is my self esteem shot to hell or am I a realist?  I'm going to say both.  I'm not fascinating enough to hold the attention of a man who gets it thrown at him daily.  Is there anything wrong with wanting attention?  Hell no.  I'd probably be doing what he does if I thought it would work for me.  I wouldn't mind the $$ for making content or the adoration?

I'm trying to remind myself that I have a habit of setting myself up, becoming interested in men that are not interested in having a relationship with only me, or me at all.  I'm reminding myself that sex does not mean he's interested.  Pretty much men will have sex with any willing woman.  

I hate to say that, to sound like that.  But when I become interested in a man it's usually not a good choice.  I usually ignore red flags because lets be honest.......I'm more like a bull chasing those red flags and then I wonder why I have hurt feelings

BUT I also don't want to be so negative and throw all men into the same bucket.  I watch a lot of social media and see gorgeous, smart, successful women having the same problems I do.  So what chance do I have?

This is very general and not meant to be a commentary on Mr. Jersey, more so myself.  I'm just not about spreading myself all over and then not being able to give someone my undivided attention in a consistent way.  

There.  Thats were these thoughts were taking me.  Consistent attention that is not routine.  

i think they call that magical thinking.

I also don't want to "not care"........that's not me.  

holiday activities

 This year is different.  I went to 3 churches this weekend, to buy cookies made by old ladies and to rummage through church tag sales and crafts.

Three churches.  not one.  Three.

My friends in Milford do this every year apparently, and this year I was scooped into the festivities.......conveniently left as a surprise, ehem.  I was NOT allowed to stay back at the house, nor was I allowed to sit in the car......sons of bitches.  I mean, what awesome friends.

I had the best time.....I'm serious.  How very strange.  

I also had an epiphany....I thrift shop for myself and 90% of my clothing is thrifted. It's a treasure hunt. My girlfriend buys all her grandsons clothing and toys thrifted and these kids are stacked....designer clothes, the best toys.......why have I not been doing this?

She laid down the law with her family this year and said no more gift cards and newly bought items.....gifts must be thrifted, or made.  Gifts must be thought about, some effort must be made to make it personal.

This got me excited.  Friday night, we spend literally 3 hours in Savers, a thrift store.  I may have had a few gummies........i was completely focused on finding a necklace stack for a thrifted outfit I had just purchased and then...........i fell into the girls clothing.  My granddaughters sizes.  I went through every single item and there were SO many brand new with tags..i couldn't believe it. Did I buy my granddaughter thrifted clothing?  I sure as hell did.

They laughed at me.....said the clothes I picked out were "totally you" meaning me......i found my sweet little girl a cool Skull sweat jacket (brand new) and even flared jeans.  I mean, I had a blast finding clothes for her.  I did have a moment of pause.  What would people think?  Me buying USED clothes for my baby girl?  Does my granddaughter know, at 6 years old that the clothes I sifted through to find specific styles for HER are used?  No.  And I doubt she cares.  And neither do I.  

Back to cookies.

I ate a lot. 

I like this idea of buying a box, and having it filled with an assortment of holiday cookies.  I didn't have to make them! 

No more have to's at the holiday.  It's decided.  Shopping just became a year long adventure because now, it's not just for me.  And it's not "new"........it's a hunt.  I like a good hunt.

In other news:

I made a tik tok showing my entire self dancing. I did a duet with a woman I found while scrolling. She was having such a good time and it didn't appear to be about making content as much as really grooving on the music.  Plus, she had head scarves on and I dig that.

I'm on a journey.  I am what I am TODAY and if I can improve than I am doing that too.  However, in the meantime I need to love who and what I am and if I enjoy something that others don't......so be it.  I'm having fun.  I'm exited.  I want things again.  I'm jumping on the train to satisfaction.  Who says they can't get any?

My weekends away

 Years ago i used to go away for the weekend with my bf, and a bunch of friends pretty regularly.  Especially in the winter.  I'd pack us up to go and after work we would hit the road for New Hampshire or Vermont.  I have very fond memories of those weekends spent with people we love.

I'm not a daredevil or sporty person.  I'm a bookworm who likes to be left alone when reading.  So these weekends were really nice.  They would all hit the trails or the slopes and i would stay in the cozy house with my book and lounge around relaxing (after cleaning up breakfast and later prepping for dinner).  One of the days the ladies would stay back and we would go shopping, puzzle making, and game playing.  I really valued that time with them.

It took me some time to realize a much as i used to enjoy the time alone with my bf on the ride up and back, those weekends were about friends, group activities, relaxing, sharing the chores of prepping and cleaning up meals and opening and closing the house.  We were all doing what we want, and doing what needed to be done......together.

Now......i go away to Milford.  I pack Miyagi, a suitcase, a bag of food/gifts/projects/decorations and my sleeping bag and hit the road after finishing work on a Friday.  Their neighbor must think i'm moving in because it takes several trips to unload my car.   This is the home of "my couple" because i'm close to both of them.  It's not "she's my girlfriend and he is her husband".  So Friday i arrive and walk into their house without knocking (i get yelled at) we exchange hugs wherever they happen to be (i don't get greeted like a guest at the door) then i drop my stuff all over their home and in "my" room.  We unload the bullshit of the week while having a drink, eat dinner, clean up, then have a few gummies and ........craft.  Well, usually thats just her and I time.  Then we go watch TV with him, she falls asleep in her recliner and he and i flip through youtube watching and talking about bands. 

When  i stay with them, there is usually a gathering of Shenanigans Saturday.  There are 8 of us now.  We eat, drink, gummie, laugh, play games, talk, and then they all leave and I stay the night.  It started with me staying over Saturday nights to help clean up and it turned into weekends with them because we just get along so well.  For two years they have invited me to their home in Florida and we have plans for next year already.

When you lose something that was such an important part of your life, like the weekends away with friends you love......it takes time to mourn the loss.  It will never be the same.  I thought i would never experience that kind of friendships again ( the ex got the friends and weekends away with my replacement but apparently she didn't get along with the woman.....) While i miss those days and get nostalgic about them, i eventually made new friends and over the years we have evolved into close friends.  Life is different, weekends away are different......but in many ways so much better.  

These are MY friends and no one can replace me, or them.  

why i need a man

 I hate putting air in my tires.  Literally HATE it.  I don't mind putting gas it in, taking it to the car wash, cleaning it out once in a while.....i know how to jump it if needed, have replaced fuses and a gear shift....If i had the tools and a place i could probably do most maintenance to my own car.   

However, for some stupid reason, putting air in my tires rocks my world.  I suck at it.  It's always gotta be rainy and cold when i need to do it, and i have been shown multiple times by multiple men HOW to do it but my preference is that somebody else do it.  

When i was younger, and i'm a little ashamed to admit this, all i had to do was pop the hood and stand there looking confused and some man would come help within moments.  I would be scared to try that now.  I'm neither young or old enough to get away with that.  Women my age are invisible.

More than once i have been told by a man at a gas station that i shouldn't have to pump my own gas.  I never knew what the hell they were talking about but then i found out that there are men out there who actually put gas in their wife (girlfriend) car, take it to the car wash, clean it out, make sure it's maintained......where the hell are these men???

That would blow my socks off.  I mean, Id be very grateful.  I don't think women who are treated that way understand that is not normal behavior.  That is above and beyond.  That is a man that is taking care of you.

Wouldn't that be nice.

Yes.  I can do it myself, i never said i couldn't.  I don't have to like it.  Or want to.  I'm not one of those women who feels like i'm giving up a pride point by accepting a mans assistance.  Ya'll are nuts. 

So........if you have that, appreciate it, and show your appreciation appropriately.  If you don't have that.....welcome to the club.  

goes around?

 i made one of my silly tik toks talking about someone I was once close with and apparently he saw it because he sent me a "sorry" text.

I felt bad for about 2 minutes and then I realized I was neatly falling into old patterns with him.  He would do something that I didn't appreciate and made me feel bad, I would speak up (hoping he would understand and maybe not keep doing it to me) and then HE would get mad, or hurt.  I'd end up apologizing for making him feel, and i'd walk away completely confused and upset.

I don't do that anymore.

Now, when someone acts in a way that is questionable, or makes me uncomfortable - I use my words and if they aren't interested in having an adult conversation where we express our point of views and come to an understanding .......I'm all set with that.  

Sometimes how someone feels isn't at all what you expected, but needed to hear.  

I can honestly say I have never wanted to make any man involved with me feel bad.  I've tried to communicate how I feel so he can either confirm I am correct, or explain that's not correct.  

Words go a long way.

Anyway.........i ended up apologizing to him and letting him know how I felt, which led to him not responding.  Same pattern.  MY same pattern.......He could have been genuine in his apology and probably was.  He seems to have grown as a person.  But my reaction to him is the same.  Self defense.

I can take accountability for my part in our demise, because I know with him my trigger was sensitive.  But that was then, and this is now and I'm trying to do better in the future and sometimes that means accepting your faults in the past.

So, I apologized, just like I always did.  And then I explained, like I always did.  And he did not respond, like he always did.  Only this time.........it was okay.  

I'm okay. 

neighbors

 I learned early on not to get overly friendly with neighbors, especially when renting.  It's enough to know who lives near you, give a smile and a nod when you see them, maybe a bit of chit chat for a few minutes, but nothing too personal, and not for too long.

I moved 5 times in 5 years after a breakup.  I couldn't find my space.  THE space that was meant for me.  Finally, I found where I am now and I've been here 3 years, 4 leases. I have WINDOWS, a private deck, no hallways to walk through to get to my apartment and although I have a neighbor on each side of me and one above....i rarely hear them.  I hear the man upstairs but it's normal noise, and can be comforting knowing someone is near.  

Because I've been here a few years now, with no loud parties, no police activity and a pretty decent citizen status, a few of the people who have been here for a LONG time have started chatting me up when I take Miyagi for a walk.  The guy next door, single, seems to be about my age.......has great plants......we see each other in passing doing laundry and such.  He's very nice.  And there's the lady who had her elderly mom (86) living with her who I've recently started chatting with.

Yesterday she came home as I was walking Miyagi, and she came across the parking lot to talk to me.  She told me her mom had passed.  I asked her if I could hug her (not everyone is into that) and I gave her a big hug.  I made sure she had family close by, and said all the things that probably don't help very much when you are in the midst of someone close passing.  She needed to talk, so that's what we did.  She told me all about it and I listened.  It was cold, I held Miyagi in my coat and I let her speak about her experience.  She told me "I've never been alone and not taking care of someone".  She has no husband, no kids, and she is older than I am.  She has spent her life taking care of her parents.  I told her I was right across the way and if she needed anything she should knock.  Sometimes it's hard to be alone when grieving, or at any time really.  

As the words were coming out of my mouth my brain went "WHAT" "SHUT UP" an open invitation to a NEIGHBOR to reach out if needed?  

She is a kind woman, and she is now entering a new phase of her life after an expected, yet sudden death of her mother, and her complete focus.  Maybe I'm going soft, however, I'm quite sure she won't be knocking on my door to use my phone and then calling her drug dealer. (I've lived in some interesting places during my lifetime)

We are all in this together, and yet we all feel alone in an unbearable way sometimes.  It doesn't have to be that way.  It's okay to make yourself available to listen to someone work through their thoughts and grief.  It's okay to share time with people just for the sake of sharing time with someone.  It makes us human.

Thats my thought for today.

Old friends

Yesterday i felt like i do when i can't explain why i feel so.........eww.

One thought that has occurred to me is that I was taken off the weight loss medication due to awful side effects and not put on another.  I have an appointment with my provider today to discuss next steps however, I've been free flying for the past month. When I feel out of control, sad, angry, I binge.  I feel like the bottomless pit.  I never feel full.  The beauty of the drugs was that I ALWAYS felt full and couldn't binge if I wanted to!

So, binge eating while in a dark place around the holiday with every available sugary food possible in my face.........guess who gained?  

It's a horrible cycle, feel sad, eat, what you eat makes you feel like crap and gain weight, feel worse, binge more because why the hell not?  My body is killing me again.  I can't keep up this way.  

Yesterday was, for some reason, really hard.  I was sad, cry babying, not able to concentrate on any task, with an overwhelming urge to talk to someone who knows me well, and cared for me at some point, if not now.  Thats not true.  I know he cares.  But it doesn't make it enough or good for me.  Still, I reached out like I do.....if you don't reach out, you will never know.......and we basically texted back and forth for hours before the conversation started to wane......It was what I needed, a friend who wouldn't tell me what to do, or tell me what I am doing wrong, but who also would just be straight.  It should have ended at that.

Then, because he's a man, the conversation took a turn toward the "fun" we had in the past.  I've known him for a long time.  There was a lot of fun (and heartache too) to be had during that time.

That slammed me right back into darkness.  I'm never going to be worth more than a fuck to these men.  It's literally all that matters.  

Now I think, this New Jersey man, he'll want the same thing.  

I just can't deal with it anymore.  It's no wonder I'm gaining instead of losing.  A sort of deterrent?  to protect myself from wanting to give and receive loving attention that is real.  With my clothes on.  These guys don't want to know ME, don't ask about ME, or my life......my wants, needs other than "what are you looking for?" and "we're adults we can do whatever we want"........Yeah.  Okay.

I want peace within my heart and soul.  I want my body back and to not hurt. 

When I spoke up, he turned the conversation around to another topic.......which surprised me.  Back in the day he would have just ghosted me, or been sulky.  Maybe we've all changed over the years.  I just hope I'm changing for the better too.

Redheads

 are  crazy.

I said it.

I've known more than a few and every.single.one has proven to be crazy.

I must like that.

When i'm looking, no-one is interested.  When i'm happy, and cozy, ready to settle in for a long winters nap...they crawl out of the woodwork.  

Why?  I'm fat, old, my bones hurt, i'm kinda cranky when i'm not laughing too hard....and i get blocked by men I dated so they don't have to see me on social media.  Wimps.  All of them.  I'm too much for them and they aren't enough for me.  I could rip myself apart, think that i'm not good enough but the fact is i'm just not easy enough for low effort men.  I can live with that.

My family loves me, my friends love me, and i love me.  If these men can't get on board with my need for transparency, honesty, MANLINESS and a backbone then i'm not the one.  One man will be lucky to have me and i deserve to also be lucky to have him. 

New Jersey isn't that far.   Mr. Jersey and i have a date to meet in person, before Christmas, to go for bites, drinks and shopping.  We know when, where and what.  He does voice overs - and we already know, if he has a great voice i'm already curious.  He also likes to thrift shop and has actual style!  He owns more than one "good shirt" and enjoys looking nice.  For the hell of it.  He wears nice stinky stuff.  Every day not just for special.  

(I knew my ex bf was seeing someone while still living with me because all of a sudden his truck was clean and he had cologne in his center console....and minty gum. Dumb ass.)

Am i excited?  not really, but i AM curious......looking forward to it.....if it happens.  He has a presence on social media, an "influencer" of sorts with a decent following.  My negative thinking automatically speaks up and wonders "why the hell would he want to meet YOU when he has a bunch of women flirting with him constantly?"  

No idea.  We've had a few great conversations, exchanged real pictures and videos, talked about life, music, work...Flirt a bit, can get spicy at times........I smile when he sends me a text.  ewwwwwwww.   So we'll see.  He's not so far away that it will never work.  And if he's a player, i'll find out sooner rather than later.  He has tats.  Glasses.  Red hair.  I've teased him that he could have an only fans for 50+.  

I said i'd not date a red head again.  

A couple of men i've dated in the past have re-emerged, as they do.  I respond to the ones I liked, and ignore the ones i didn't.  Neither are getting another chance.  

Four days at home because of the holiday and of course i re-arranged furniture and deep cleaned, organized, AGAIN.  Slowly getting rid of stuff.  And yes, i hurt my back so now i'm sitting with a heating pad and i'm going to go take more tylenol.

Thats hot.  What man wouldn't want me???? LOLOLOLOL

when in rome

Saturday night, when i went to see the bands with my friends a man I dated for a short time showed up.  I only knew because one of my friends recognized him when he came in.

He thinks he's a big badass and acts like the world should stop when he arrives. I'm a bigger badass than him.  That's all I'm saying.

I carried on having a good time with my friends and promptly forgot he existed.  If he made his way over to me, i'd say hello, be polite and that'd be it.  If he didn't make his way over, even better.  

Let me say, I had forgotten about him after I cut it off, however, he started dating a woman who felt the need to reach out and tell me he told her alllllll about me the first time they met.

Okay, weirdo.

But when she continued to message me, and THEN told me he was sitting next to her, I may have lost my temper.  Listen you drug addled, GED buying, butter face bitch.....nobody wants your man.  Relax. Maybe take a bath and soak off the skank.  

I'm not sure WHY current girlfriends contact me when they are having trouble with one of my ex's.  Does it seem like I would care how to handle him other than getting rid of him?  NO RETURNS.  He's yours now.  Go live happily ever after. 

I hate seeing women act like pawns for men's stupid games.  It only goes to show that I have dated some real class acts. 

The ones I want, don't want me.  The ones I don't want, can't seem to shut their mouths around their crazy women.  

Is it any wonder I am no longer allowed to date?  says me? 

Anyhow, big baddie decides to mean mug me while he's there camped out by the bathrooms and then leaves.  I doubt he stayed long.  I would have peed in the parking lot rather than walk over to that area of my own free will. 

Why am I writing about this?  Because I was just looking for upcoming events on facebook seeing if I can get out again soon since I had a great time.  I checked a few band dates off as attending so I will be reminded when the events are coming up. 

Gee, I hope I don't scare the big baddie away from his grand entrances.  (embarrassing)  I'm not staying home to avoid anyone.  He's just going to have to share the space.  Or not.  Maybe it's me that needs to grow up but I can't stand anyone thinking they will alter my will to do as I please.  I admit, I avoid parties and events that I know my ex bf will be at because that is HIS territory, and I don't want to feel like I'm infringing and making him feel uncomfortable.  But we spend 13 years together, If I did see him somewhere, and I have, I wouldn't hesitate to say hello and give him a hug.  The only other man to ditch me was Mr. Tattoo and honestly, I'm not sure that man leaves his house.  Besides, he's not the type to act like a dick if he did see me out.  

I need to find someone like him - but who wants to have an actual relationship outside of his house in public around people sometimes.  With me.  I'm afraid of turning into him sometimes.  Giving up and just getting through life instead of living it.  My ex bf found out pretty quickly he wasn't "upgrading" when he turned me in, and Mr. Tattoo has probably forgotten I ever existed ...........both of them giving up on me.

Stupid fuckers.

There's my brain dump.  TaDA

living with myself

 This morning i got out of the shower and there was no bath towel..........

If I'm anything, I'm methodical with workday morning routine.  I always hang up my wet towel so it dries for the next day.  I'm not one of those freaks that needs a new towel every day.  My body is clean when I use it, what does throwing it into a washing machine do to improve it?  By the end of the week (yes, an ENTIRE WEEK of one bathtowel) I wash it because I figure it's time to refresh.

I do what I want.

But this morning.......no towel.

My first thought is....who moved my towel?

My second thought is........that's crazy, no one moved it.

But I have no idea where it is.

I glance suspiciously around the apartment, just in case someone has broken in to steal my towel.

No one.

Oh well.  I go get a new one in the closet, now dripping water all over the floor.  I've already moved on to the next phase of morning routine.

After lotion, deodorant, towel dry hair (special towel for hair, I'm not an animal) I move to my closet to see what today's coverings will be.

There's my missing towel.  In the clothes basket.  wtf?

I have no idea when or why I put it there, but it's pretty obvious I did it.  

Is this the beginning of crazy?  It's a small thing, but you know.......lots of small things add up to big things.

It appears I no longer live alone.  I'm living with myself.  

Force yourself to be happy

 If you were to ask me what I want to do when i'm not working, it's be home.  By myself.  I clean, I putz around, rearrange furniture, watch TV, craft a bit, read, talk to my pets........and most recently I do this after eating a few gummies.  It makes for a very uneventful, peaceful, restful, drama free weekend.

It can also happen too often.  Before long I realize I'm not really enjoying the peace and quiet as much as hiding in it.  A little goes a long way.  Too much will slam me into depression.

Doing anything too much isn't healthy.  Talking to a man that lives halfway across the country isn't smart.  There's literally no point.  And of course, now instead of knowing someone in IOWA that I can chat with occasionally, there are hurt feelings.  See if this makes sense.  He has a life firmly planted where he is.  I have a job that will keep me here for another 9 years.  I'm not leaving my job.  He's not leaving his life.  Why even start?  The last thing I want to do is spend what little time off I have in airports spending too much money on flights and being taken away from my home to see someone I barely know, OR have HIM be at my place the entire time he's here.

I want my space, yes.  But that's a LOT of space and too much concentrated time when we are together. So sorry about the hurt feelings.  I told him long distance wasn't for me.  Several times.  Lost another friend. I need to stick to the traditional dating that allows me to see a man occasionally for a few hours so we can get to know each other over time.  This instant relationship bullshit makes me want to become a nun.

Okay.  Well.  Now I'm the one ghosting and I get it.  

Went to an 80's heavy metal event this weekend.  One of my close friends brother is one of the bands that played.  I invited a few of my friends that love to go see live music, especially 80's music.  I had a blast, smiled and head nodded all night long with a bunch of other 80's metal lovers.  These weren't cover bands, that made it even better.  

In a way, I wish I could go back to that time and enjoy it more.  I would have had so much more self confidence.  I would have done so much more than get involved with a stupid boy. I would have had FUN.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

The holidays are coming up.  I have great plans with my family that I'm looking forward to.  I have gatherings with friends planned.  I am going to spend time at the Elks making friends and getting out of the house.  I'm going to go have some mother fucking FUN.

My Friday

 Thursdays are kind of my Friday now with me working remotely on Friday.  I obviously still work on Friday however, I get up later, have coffee at my desk with the morning news on (well, not anymore for the news) and sign in remotely to see whats on my plate for the day.

I don't shower, I just roll on over to my desk in PJs.  That feels so decadent.  So while I'm working, it doesn't really feel like work.  

I guess getting up at the crack of dawn, showering, figuring out what to wear and painting my face on is a lot less fun than I ever thought it would be.

I will say that I need to be in the office the majority of the time.  I am still learning so much from my boss and I don't think we've even really scratched the surface yet of what I need to know.  My boss is brilliant, was a NeuroSurgeon and now at 81 years old he still is "on".  I am so lucky to have landed with him, to be able to work beside someone who is just so damn SMART and yet, is not socially lacking like many surgeons can be.  Yesterday he was cracking joke after joke, and he's really not a joking guy.....He had me rolling.  I even saw him smile a few times.

Not to say that he is severe, but he does intimidate a lot of people just because he's been here so long and is highly respected.  Sometimes I notice people trying to discount him due to his age and .......that is a mistake.  They find out fast.

I adore him.  

Yesterday I stayed off social media and didn't even turn the tv on last night.  I played my game on switch and relaxed my brain.  Then I took a gummy and went to bed with my kindle.  Very nice night.  A friend texted me checking in to make sure I'm good.  He AND his girlfriend checking in.  I love how that relationship evolved.

This morning I get text messages from my "husband" telling me he bought the tickets for this weekends event and from another friend confirming our lunch date on Saturday.  It's going to be another busy weekend.  My friends seem intent on keeping me busy and out of the dark pit of my emotions.

Assholes.

When you have friends that know you too well, it can become very difficult to isolate.  

Never had to cut it off with IOWA man.  Haven't heard from him in a couple of days.  So that was easy lol.  I don't even wonder what made him lose interest.  I know I'm not that warm of a person with men unless I'm set on fire by them.  And really, that doesn't happen to me.  

Miyagi snuggles me up at night, so I don't need anyone else taking up space in my bed. HA. 

Break from reality

 This morning i was listening to the news as I got ready for work, like I always do, when I decided "enough".  

So I opened a podcast and IT'S all about crimes so I promptly turned IT off.

Audio book?  Seems safe.  I'm listening to Stephen King's FairyTale.  It's okay.  Better than the news and my "favorite" podcasts.  So I go with that.

after shower I sit on my bed and review social media as I'm drying off.  Something sets me off and makes me VERY angry.  

I don't need this stupid shit in my life.

So I write a little "back later" note on my page and sign out of all my accounts.

I'm in a piss mood.  I've had just about enough of shitty situations I have no control over and yet seem to be front and center for.  No. More.

I want my life before the internet when I spent time with my family and friends to find out what they were up to, when I read books that had actual pages and weight........when I rented movies I wanted to watch instead of streaming reality television on automatic.

I'd like some peace.

From all of it.

So.  We'll see how long this lasts.  I'm assuming some type of withdrawal before I am officially quit.  I'm well acquainted with withdrawal.  

I'm thinking it may include writing here for a while, but I'll see.  Here, I'm the one producing toxins in the environment, cleansing myself and poisoning others in the process.  Ha.  That was extreme.  But kinda true.  

After all, I'm just talking to myself out loud here.

If I only knew why

 This morning, as I drove to work, I was contemplating how much longer this back-and-forth conversation with the IOWA man should continue.  Eventually he is going to want to meet, the hints have already begun, and even if he turned out to be Mr. wonderful, how is that going to work?

Why do I get this panic feeling in my chest and why does it replace the feeling of curiosity?  I can literally feel myself shut down - like I'm watching it happen to someone else.  And then, no matter how reasonable, or how much sense the opposite is - I'm done.  I can try to analyze, or prevent, but I'm talking to a brick wall.

I don't know WHY,

I thought for a long time (8 years to be exact) that I'm just broken and will never have that burning desire to be with anyone again.  Then I met Tattoo man and I was completely out of control.  My hands couldn't stop touching him, I couldn't stop smiling when thinking of seeing him, I never wanted to leave him and couldn't wait to see him again.........

That has happened to me ONCE before, with my ex bf.  As a matter of fact, my ex husband used to complain that I never touched him......

I've gone on a lot of dates.  I've even seen a few men for a couple of months.  NEVER have I missed their presence when they weren't with me.  Never have I been content to just lay beside them as they slept and read.  I've always wanted to go home, or have them get out of mine.  

Yet, my ex bf and Mr. Tattoo had me wrapped around their pinky.  Why?  It wasn't the sex.  I've had great sex with others and haven't lost my mind over them.  They look nothing alike.  They sound nothing alike.  They ARE nothing alike aside from the need to get very high very often.  (Which I enjoyed with one and not the other).........They are two completely different men with different lives and yet they are the only two men who have made me overlook red flags and feel as if my life was better with them.

I wasn't looking for either when I found them.

I was blindsided by both NOT wanting me so much they cut me off.

Is it the recognition that they are damaged like I am?  Is that the catnip for me?  Because I've cut men off with very little explanation the same way they cut me off.  I try not to.  I just don't care.

Like they didn't care.  So maybe that makes them safe?  

I'm really trying to figure out why I lose interest in men who are interested in me.

When can I give up completely and just accept that I am single, and I'm going to die alone.  

I'm a sister wife

 on some weekends.

Friday night i headed out to Milford to spend the weekend with my couple.  That sounds so.....not what it is.  We just enjoy each others company and tend to do a lot of thrift shopping, store exploring and craft making.....along with some gummie eating.

We had another shenanigans gathering on Saturday night to discuss our upcoming holiday dinner together and it turned into a full course meal because.......Jen.  Thats one of the reasons I like to go early because after having vacationed with them a few times I know how much work she puts into each gathering and I will not let them do it alone anymore.  I am an official sous chef 

Late into Saturday night when most had left one of our friends lamented on the "old days" and missed "that mb".......the party starter.  The MB that decided anyone getting into the hot tub could not be wearing clothing of any kind.  The random hugger, kisser, laugh really louder.  

I guess I'm no fun anymore?  

I know that's not true.  Just not interested in dating, or trying to date - for the sake of having sex and being treated like I'm dial a ho.  Tattoo man fucked me up, but also made me realize I don't need this dating bullshit in my life searching for a man that does not exist.

I'm still talking to IOWA man but were is that going to go?  Nowhere.  I'm not spending tons of money I don't have on a plane to be away from my life and neither is he.  So as much as I enjoy our conversations there is really no point.  

I tried to explain to my friend that it had been so long for me, without "activities" that I could care less if I ever had them again.  I got emotionally attached to someone who just wanted to screw and I'm okay if I never have to experience that again.  Activities make me lose my common sense.  I don't need it.  I'm not lonely.  My days are filled and my life is good.  I was lucky to have two long term relationships were I loved hard to no avail.  So why keep looking for it when I know I'm no good at it.

I'll just be the second wife and borrow my friends husband to fix stuff I can't seem to figure out, or don't have the tools for.  

i won't do this

 Here is that feeling.  The one where I want to cut and run.  Just STOP.  Almost (exactly) like panic.

Tonight we have a video call date, which I instigated.  Because I like to set myself up for failure, I like to ruin a good thing.  

It's the catfish thing, and the fact that just because my face can be pretty doesn't mean everyone is attracted to me.  I am plus sized.  More bang for your buck, more cushion for the pushing....and all those other things that may or may not be true.  The kind of woman that is good enough to sleep with, but you don't introduce her to your friends, take her out in public where people may know you, etc.

I've been hurt.  big deal.

Before I keep enjoying our conversations or start looking forward to them, I need him to see what I am and I need to see what he is.  He is concerned that he will look worn out at the end of a work day....I wish that was my concern.

Don't get me wrong here.  I'm not down on myself.  Men I am attracted to don't prefer a fluffy gal.  So lets nip this in the bud.  Lets not have need for a band-aid to be ripped of in the future.

I feel sick.

I'm not going to allow myself to self-sabotage this time.  I'm going to relax, be myself and see what he is all about.  If he continues to call, and reach out I will not think it's because he wants to use me until someone better comes along.

Distance is more of a factor than anything else.  It's not personal.  

Breathe. 

okay, fine.

 I just got a text that made me smile like a goof ball.

Okay, fine.  I've been talking to someone for a couple of weeks.  

I honestly don't think it's going to go anywhere.

He lives in friggin Iowa, closer to Nebraska.

Met him in the facebook group for over 50 singles.  We have bantered since the beginning, raised a little bit of hell in the room egging each other on.  And then we'd always say "sooooo far".  

One day we ended up private messaging, then exchanging phone numbers, then calling each other.  We can't seem to shut up.  We call them dates and they last for hours.  I walk around with my earbuds in and he is sometimes working, sometimes at home.

He drives a truck.  Local now but long haul for most his life.  Has also been a bouncer on and off.  He is fun to talk to, has the same sense of humor I do and it never gets boring.  We've been telling each other our life stories, what we want to do when we retire and HAVE NOT BEEN TALKING SEXY.  

I never even had to re-direct him.  He just seems to like talking to me.  And I like talking to him.

But.  Iowa.

We haven't made any plans to meet, yet I have peeked at how much airfare would cost.  It's not cheap, certainly not something that would happen a lot.

It's been a slow burn, and again, nothing I thought would turn into anything when we started talking.  The distance.  He is 61 and a Republican.  and he lives in IOWA.  

Makes me laugh.  a LOT.  and I get him rolling too.  That seems to surprise him.  

Anyway.  How the hell would something like this work?  He's not going anywhere with a house and a job.  I'm not going anywhere until I retire in 10 years.  Its pretty much doomed.

He isn't texting me morning noon and night, saying good morning and goodnight, doing all the low effort crap I can't stand.  He texts me to see if I can talk, then he calls.  And then he tells me he'd like to talk to me again the next day.  It's nice.  And I'm not bored.

No I'm not putting any weight onto this, considering we haven't met in person.  We've seen pictures, we've picked on each other....but could be a catfish who knows?  He sure sounds like he's from IOWA.  AND he did meet another woman in the group this summer and they posted pictures.  He told me he was interested in her, but it wasn't going to happen.  Me being me, I made sure that was true, then told him I had talked to her.  He said he was surprised I hadn't done it sooner.  I don't like messy.  I don't want someone else's problem. 

She lives in New York.  I like her a lot, she is the founder of the group and a riot.  We have talked about meeting up when I go into the city.  Thats how much I like her. She told me he is a gentleman.  Said she didn't think he was my type because no tats, no bike....and I've kept that in mind.  Maybe he's just a man like I'm just a woman. 

And that wasn't even an issue.

Talking to myself here - because he sent me a text that started with "MB...." and it made me warm and smiley.  

I remember another 61-year-old Republican who made me warm and smiley. But that was based on sex and only sex.  Which I have accepted.  Even though it pisses me off.

Won't make that mistake again.

What makes a woman instantly unattractive

 Smoking, cussing, too many tattoos and attitude seem to be the top answers in the single over 50 group I'm in online.

I can see why smoking.  Tats are a personal preference, some only like women covered in them.  Cussing, well, count me out but I get why it would be a problem for some.  It's the attitude one that stumps me.

So vague, yet so often used as an answer.

I want to ask what kind of attitude, but I'm already disliked by most of the religious, midwest men folk in that room.  They do NOT enjoy my humor or honesty.  My "attitude" I'm assuming.

Thats totally fine, I'm not for everyone nor do I aspire to be.

I'm continually intrigued and sometimes infuriated by the marked differences in how people view life based on their geographical location.  The East and West Coast seem to have more open minds, "liberal" and then you have the group that wants women to remain in their "place" and the women who WANT to remain in their place...........the puritanical group?  That is safe to say without overgeneralizing too much.

There is adult humor in this group along with 12-year-old boy humor which is right up my alley.  I like a good giggle over something shameful.   Several women have made it their mission to mother the group and teach them what is appropriate to discuss in mixed company and I think everything should be discussed in mixed company.  I think humor can be found in every situation, even if it is very dark humor.  Anyone working with people, in healthcare understands it is an essential coping tool to survive day to day. I get there is a time and place.  I'm not at someones sunday dinner.  It's a facebook group. 

I try really hard not to jump on and "educate" what I consider to be ignorant and judgemental comments.  Mostly these people are told to "keep scrolling" or suggest that this group may not be their cup of tea.  Yet they stay purely to be offended. I don't join church groups to teach them why they are offensive.  Just saying.

Recently, there was a joke about a 3some.  Lots of people made silly comments and people were getting a good giggle.  Then the prissy brigade entered the conversation and brought their men with them.  You can imagine the comments.  "Never" "immoral" and such.  uh huh.  okay.  sure.

I cuss.  I have a few tats and I certainly have an attitude.  Everyone does.  I do NOT believe in ownership of another person.  I do NOT believe sacrifice means giving up a part of yourself to please or keep someone else.  I do NOT believe in limiting someone else based on my comfort level, or vice versa. I have been in two long term relationships, neither successful.  I have played by other peoples rules regarding what a relationship should be, and trusted that my partners were also playing by the same rules.

Fuck rules.

No I don't want an open relationship and I know this by associating with people who do.  No, I do not want a polygamous relationship, and I know this by having seriously considered, and rejecting the idea because it simply doesn't fit into MY lifestyle.  Do I think I should condemn those who do live alternatively to the standard set of "rules"?  No.  What works for them and makes them happy as consenting adults is up to them. Honestly its none of my business unless it involves me.  I've seen happy alternative relationships and unhappy ones......just like the old fashioned standard relationships.  Some are great and some are not great.  Life is like that across the board.

Balance.

I value trust above all other things.  My ex (here we go again with an ex story) used to have infatuations with women we associated with.  Understandable infatuations. I myself had infatuations with some of our male friends (not that I made it known to anyone).  I would open that conversation with him and he would become angry, defensive and call me crazy.  Because apparently, he never became infatuated with anyone ever.  uh huh.  Instead of it becoming something to tease each other over, perhaps even get excited over, he lied and became angry.  He wasn't good about hiding his interests.  I wasn't imagining it.  Had he been honest......I wouldn't have had to worry about how he was acting when I wasn't around.  I would have been able to trust him to tell me what I needed to know.  He could have had crushes on 10 women at a time and it wouldn't have bothered me because I could trust him.

I couldn't even trust him to tell me the truth about something so lame as an infatuation.

That relationship screwed with me because I never knew which end was up, or what way I was facing with him.  We had two different sets of "rules".

Fuck rules.

People are people and to be controlled by someone who loves you makes you keep secrets so you don't get into "trouble".

yeah.  Fuck that too. 

If I can't have honesty about silly things, how can I trust you with big things...like my heart?  I value trust over all else.  I no longer believe monogamy is the only way.....although I know I lose interest in all other men when I am in a relationship and not being ignored.  I know that I use my words and communicate my needs.........i expect the same in return.  Men aren't women.  They keep secrets for many different reasons.  Mostly because relationships create the environment that secrets must be kept for them to have their needs met and not lose everything they value.

I'm rambling.  Those puritanical people scare the shit out of me.  Mostly because they preach love and god but the spew hate as soon as they disagree.  Two faces.  or more.  As long as they get their way.....

Take a picture it lasts longer

 This morning i was sitting in traffic and got the "ick".  The traffic light by my house seems to be extremely long lately, and this morning, sitting through multiple cycles of this light (long line of traffic) I got eyeballed by the man in the car in front of me.

Not just an occasional glance back to see how long the stupid line was getting.

or just looking around bored.

STARING in his review mirror.  At me.  

So I look in MY rearview mirror to see how clearly I can see the person sitting in the car behind me.  Clear as day.  drinking his coffee and either talking to someone or singing.  A GLANCE told me that.

But this guy in front of me was balls out STARING at me.  

I keep looking away, thinking, of course, that I am imagining the stare.

but every time I look back, there are his eyeballs glued on me.

What a strange feeling.

No smile.  No yawning.  I can't think of a REASON.

Just as I'm about to blow a kiss or flip the bird, it's go time and he looks away as the cars begin to move forward.

What the fuck?

Short week ahead....hope it doesn't get any stranger.

The fat lady is singing

 It is what it is.  and IT looks like we have elected Trump as president.  It's not "official" yet, but.....it is.

Harris didn't come out to speak to her supporters early this morning - I'm disappointed she didn't show up for everyone waiting to hear from her.  Not a good look.

No the final counts haven't been tallied but it would have been super if she had been with the many people who thought she was our saving grace.

Strange how things turn out.

I'm looking forward to gas prices going down.  

I'm looking forward to retirement looking better.

I'm looking forward to our cost of living decreasing........

all the things that were the fault of our previous president are going to be "fixed".

Right?

Right.

Finally!

 Well i did it.  I finally saw the Black Crowes live and got to hear some of my favorite songs straight from the horses mouth.  They were incredible.  Chris Robinson didn't stop moving or dancing for the whole show.  I love his voice, I love that groove, I'm glad I have been re-introduced.

This time of year seems to be ours, Stephanie and I.  Seems all my best memories of things we've done are around this time.   Probably because it's right before her business gets busy and she can actually come out and have fun without being exhausted.

I'd like to spend more time with her and the only way to really do that is at her shop.  I should offer to do the grunt work on Saturdays.  The only problem is I'm not a huge fan of Naugatuck these days.  Can't help but wonder what he's up to and honestly, that just pisses me off.  

I'll get over it. 

The guy that's trying to get back into my life (from years ago) has been cut loose.  I am not interested.  I have found so much calmness, no upset, no upheaval in my life that I don't want to change it.  I'm all about having friends and going out and having fun, but I am not interested in dating.  Period.

I'm just thinking about myself.  When I remember what relationships are like......i must be out of my mind to want one.  I'm not even interested in sex.  It's been long enough without it, I suppose, to no longer matter.

I AM beyond excited about holiday plans this year and its nice not to be having anxiety over it for a change.  Thanksgiving at my son's house and Christmas in New York.  Both holidays with both my children and grandaughter present.  What more could I ask for?  I'm hoping this will become the family tradition.  Thanksgiving with my family and my son's inlaws, relaxed with good food and comfy clothes. And come on now, Christmas in New York City?  how much more christmasy can we get?  Christmas morning with my granddaughter opening presents (and us playing with them, I have no shame) All day in our pj's and then when my son and his wife arrive, we get dressed up and go to a fancy dinner in the city and then LIGHTS......Yayyy!  

What do I have to do?  Anything I want.  I'm the grandma.  I get to play with my granddaughter and enjoy being with my family.

And then!  I'm going to stay a few days longer and my daughter and I are going to have a girls day together to celebrate our birthdays.

My family, my friends, my peace of mind..........nothing else matters. 

Halloween again

 I love the fall.  Fall is my favorite and October is STILL my favorite.  

One of my favorite memories is tangled up in a breakup.  

October 29th, 2016  He and I went to see our friends Steph and Tom at their home, Quiddity.  They were having a few friends over and a fire by the stream.  It was a perfect fall evening.  For once, we didn't fight before we got somewhere- so we arrived together in a good mood.

I was happy and content.  I had no idea the storm that would destroy my world as i knew it was only a day away.  

As we stood by the fire, talking, smoking, drinking beers - Tom told the story of the graves in their woods.  I was ......fascinated.......and then, I had to go find them.  So, the ladies (there were four of us that night) left the men to their fire and took off over the bridge and into the woods.  

And I mean woods. Leaves were up to our knees. There must have been at least a little moonlight, but I think we had flashlights. That's not clear to me. Being in the middle of the woods, unable to see the ground, but smelling the leaves and hearing their sounds along with our giggling and Steph's directions, was divine.

I find God in nature. When i think back I wonder if something, or someone was reaching out to me- If fate is determined and God knows everything, maybe he gave me that night to hang on to.  

I felt an overwhelming need to just stand still and listen.  Be alone.  Just be.  But the ladies wouldn't leave me alone.  I think they thought i'd break my damn neck.  Or forever be lost in the woods.  HA. 

Later I wrote a post on Facebook "Took a walk in the woods last night to visit and honor two graves.  Hard to explain how "peaceful and poetic" the place really is.

I was quoting Tom, who had a way with words.  

Me writing about it does the night no justice.

Now, when I reminisce I choose to remember this magical night because magic is exactly what it was.

Today I came to work dressed up for the Black Crowes concert tonight.  I am pushing the envelope, however it IS Halloween.  I left the scarves, hat and stuff in the car.  I'll save that for later.

committed

 I have done a good job of forcing myself to write almost daily.  I'm writing into thin air, but the point is......I'm doing it.

I'm exercising my freedom and brain, documenting random thoughts, experiences and concerns.

Because I can.  I hope I still can years from now.

The election is less than a week away and I've been trying to avoid listening to the news.  It's the same shit every day and tells me nothing I need to know.

I'm voting early on Friday to avoid the mess on Tuesday, plus I get sworn in to the Elks that night.  Kind of cool since the order is so patriotic.  

Here is what I'm chewing on at the moment.  I have always been an independent voter not wanting to commit to either party and to be more concerned with the people running.  I was forced into selecting a party when I was joining a public board years ago.  I chose Democrats because they aligned more closely with my belief in helping people who cannot help themselves.  

I go back and forth, believing everyone should vote because people have died so we have that privilege and thinking my one vote doesn't matter so why bother?  

This time I'm confused at the last minute because I feel like I've been influenced by the media and I remember the days when news used to be unbiased.  It no longer is.  It is entertainment and control.  We are fed what they want us to eat.  But who is they?

I wouldn't have voted for Biden.  I wouldn't have voted for Trump.  When Harris stepped in to the democrats role I thought I could stand behind her.  And maybe I will?  I think I'm one of many Americans that wants to do what is best for this country and has literally no idea who either candidate really is.

I have always been disgusted by Trump for all the reasons seen in the media that I don't need to repeat. The media forces it down our throats lest we ever forget.  I can't stand him as a person.  He is vile.  I am concerned that our children cannot quote him word for word without getting into trouble.  I'm concerned about a LOT where he is concerned.  Womens rights, which shouldn't even be a question at this point are at the top of my list.

He wants the states to decide.  But this is ONE country and the abortion issue affects women specifically.  

There is supposed to be a division of church and state and yet.......we all know there isn't one.  Imagine if churches were made to pay taxes?  If they have a voice in politics, which they do, they need to pay up.  Immigration is close to my heart and I know there is so much that I don't know.  I do not have the answers.  All I know is that everybody deserves the right to food, shelter, medical care and the chance to do better, no matter where they were born.  

I think the rich are the problem because they control everything.  That is starting to implode but not fast enough.  Trump is one of the rich. supposedly.  He didn't get paid for being president.  Big deal.  He didn't pay FOR anything either.  The rest of us are worried about the price of eggs.  He has a gold toilet.  Think about that.

Okay- Harris has been in office and hasn't done anything.  She is a great talker and knows exactly what NOT to say.  But constantly reminding us what a jerk Trump is does not tell me who SHE is.

I feel manipulated.  I feel like a child.  I feel like it's all bullshit is another way of saying "I don't feel like I matter".

My grandfather has been on my mind.  He was a World War II vet.  He was deeply interested in politics.  I watched Watergate with him in the "Florida room" as a small child.  I learned more in that room on that television with my grandfather commenting than I have anywhere else.  He hated Nixon.  However, he also hated Kennedy and that wasn't a popular opinion.   And my grandfather was 100% Irish straight off the boat.  He was an avid reader of anything having to do with World War I and II - the politics of it.  I thought his book collection was horribly boring.  I wish I could talk to him now about this election.  

His voice has been in my head this week.  I watched Joe Rogans podcast on Youtube where he interviewed Trump and I have to say, it has made me question everything I have thought previously.  Has the media spun him to be a villain?  He seemed sane, a business man not a politician.  I don't agree with everything but other things make so much sense.  WTF am I actually considering TRUMP?

I don't want to be led by the nose, incited by drama - and lets be honest, a lot of his supporters are downright redneck scary. 

If you had asked me who I will vote for last month I would have told you Harris.  Today, at this moment, I do not know.  But Fridy- I will have to make a choice.

always uncomfortable

I've been talking with someone i dated over 6 years ago after my "breakup"....when I just started dating and had no idea what I was in for.  When I thought because you were dating someone you were only dating that person.  I had a lot to learn.

I had gone from marrying my high school sweetheart, being with him a total of 20 years, to a year of chaos where I went on probably hundreds of coffee dates and ended up with a man that was the exact opposite of my ex husband for 13 years.  We then broke up when he found someone younger (he was younger than me I should say) and basically devastated my self esteem which was already not good.

And that's when I met Mr. Clinton who was very acclimated to being single and dating.

We dated a few months and then I cut ties.

He let me.

However, he has always been there in the background - reaching out with random texts, following my social media accounts, making comments - - trying to get back in touch.  I have ignored him.  Like I do. 

A few years ago we were both at an event and when I saw him I avoided him.  He ended up at my table saying hello, not letting me get away with it.  I'm not rude.  So we had a little chat, he asked me out again, I declined again......

And yet, he continued to periodically reach out even with no response from me.

Recently, I've been questioning myself and how I move with men.  My close friends tell me I go full steam ahead for a guy that didn't want me, yet I throw other men out of my life at the drop of a dime.

Of course, they don't know the details of why I broke up with the limited amount of men I've dated more than a few times.  I've only had 2 men anyone can remotely call "boyfriends" and neither lasted beyond 6 months before I could no longer stand to be around them.

One thought he was Mr. Badass motorcycle dude, who thought throwing money around was impressive, and dong so even though he had none.  I was love bombed from the start with him nearly drowning me in flowers and gifts ...what is so wrong with that you may ask?  I had told him to stop bringing me his dead wife's belongings.  Thats what.  I said I didn't need gifts and I didn't think she would appreciate it.  He ignored it.  He ignored anything that wasn't his way.  And then.........one day he almost ran someone in a cross walk down because he didn't want to wait.

I wasn't afraid of him.  I maybe should have been, considering none of his ex's were alive.  

No I'm not kidding.

I broke up with him, he seemed to take it well but then two weeks later lost his mind.  I guess he thought i'd come crawling back.  He was wrong.  I don't need a badass in my life.  Thanks.

THEN there was the other one who said he lived with his elderly aunt and uncle because they needed his help.  He threw a literal temper tantrum in my parking lot when I told him he had to go out and clear his car of snow because we had to move our cars so they could plow.  I also suggested he leave instead of hanging around and waiting because I was sure he had to go shovel out his aunt and uncle.  He was pissed because he had to get off MY couch and go clear his car off.  He was double pissed I "told him to leave" and THEN he told me he didn't want to go home because then he WOULD have to shovel his family out.

What?

Fuck off.

Another peter pan that thinks the world owes him something and he can just be a big kid and someone else will always take care of him.  

Both these men, incidentally, had no money yet smoked copious amounts of expensive weed.

Correlation?   Possible.

Back to Mr. Clinton.  He reached out again while I was in the midst of reviewing my friends comments.  I answered him.  We talked.  He asked me out again.  This time I said yes.

I have no idea if this is a good idea or not but last night I told him we shouldn't go out because I am happy being single and I'm not trying to use anyone.  I tried to back out of the date and he didn't just let it go.  

I said "We can go out.  I just want you to know where my head is at" and he responded "I get it. And I'm interested in you enough to hopefully change your mind.  I'm really interested in you.  Look how long I've chased you."

Years.  And my IMMEDIATE thought was me and how many others.

Is that fucked up?

Am I that jaded women or do I just know how many men operate in the dating game.

Am I that damaged?  Or smart?

Anyways.  He didn't just say "ok" when I tried to cancel the date.  And I don't feel like I'm misleading him when I told him the truth.  I'm not sure I want to do this.  With him.  Or anyone.

At least I know him and am fairly sure he won't hurt me in the "stranger danger" way.

My girl Steph has invited me out to a concert this week The Black Crows.  I can't wait to see her, and them.  Our first "Date" was a concert.  I knew her husband better than her because I had spent time at the warehouse hanging around with him, and my ex bf.  I had only met her a few times and she reached out and asked me if i'd like to go to a concert?  We saw "Heart" and began our friendship that night.  She is someone I love dearly, and yet rarely see.  

I need to see my friends more often.  I'm just so bad at reaching out.  I suck. 

It's me. I'm the mess.

 My home was meticulous on Friday night. I had multitasked all day between work and picking up/cleaning.  I had my headphones in, calls forwarded, and a stack of travel authorizations to tackle and I managed to do it all - along with laundry, dishes, floors, dusting, and bathroom.  I was a freakin machine an by the time friday night rolled around I was ready to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

So I made dinner.

Then I pulled out a project I've been working on.

Flicked through the channels and found something to keep me company.

decided to have a snack

Went looking for a piece of another project

decided to re-arrange a bookcase

Opened up the clothing packages that had arrived earlier in the day

Decided to try on a few outfits

Went to bed with a book and a cup of tea....no meds

slept like shit.  As in, did not sleep.

Woke up and realized my home was an absolute mess again.  

WTF

Can't blame the kids.

Can't blame the man.

The animals will take their appropriate blame.......i did not attack the plant spreading dirt all over the dining room, nor did I cough up hairballs in the living room.  I did not spread my kibble all over the kitchen floor.  So any floor mess......that's not mine.  I feel better.

I make coffee and start picking up after the storm I apparently created while in my head last night. 

Maybe there is such a thing as too much alone time?

This morning I realized with all the picking up, cleaning and organizing I did over the past 3 days......i successfully made another mess to wake up to.  

It's a repetitive cycle.  And I throw a lot of stuff away.  I buy less than 1/8 of what I used to buy.  I repurpose just about everything.  And yet, STUFF multiplies itself overnight.

My latest project is to add boot charms/chains to my combat boots. (examples below)  I have been collecting and tearing apart outdated jewelry for years now.  I don't throw it away.............i take it apart and throw it into a huge tin for "future projects".  I have collected inspiration photos on pinterst but non of them are exactly what I want.  So I will create it myself with said huge unorganized tin of torn apart beads and chains and pendents.....

but FIRST I must organize the tin.

Because what if I miss something that has been waiting to be added to my boots?

Did I make my boots last night?

No.

But I organized the shit out of that tin. 

Is it possible that I have ADHD?  I seriously wonder.  

Tonight I will go home, clean up after the animals and then make a mess making dinner.  Then I will want to sit down and relax.  I will scroll scroll scroll until I play my switch for a bit and then feel like going to bed to read.

In between I will talk to my bestie for at least an hour.  I will text with this weeks man who supposedly wants to meet me but has not asked me out for a date yet.  (He will then be swiftly cut off after 2 weeks of luke warm conversation)  I no longer get involved, or overinvest in bullshit conversation with males who all turn out to be the same story with the same ending.

I cannot WAIT to start getting involved at the lodge.  

I had this really great idea for a blog, had it outlined in my head, and didn't write it down.  So I forgot what the hell the idea was.

Very possibly ADHD.  Or I'm getting senile.