Its our anniversary!!

I'm so glad i met him.  He loves me so much that when i leave the room he watches the door for my return.  He's not so good at listening to me, but he is never crabby and he kisses me on demand.  Every night he curls against me and keeps me warm.  He's the most agreeable and loving male i've ever had the luck to associate with.

Miyagi.

Today marks our first year together.  I met him, under duress, last year right before Memorial Day weekend.  I was told "come and meet him, he's meant for you".  He was exactly what i said i did not want.  Scrawny, not a puppy, timid.....but, okay.  I will meet him because my girlfriend who runs the shelter insisted it was destined.

I spent 4 hours there that day, 3 of which were sitting on a cement floor.  He was sooooo tiny and fragile.  He was obviously attached to his foster mom, and vice versa.  I asked her why she didn't keep him herself and she told me she didn't want to put him through another change because he would most likely outlive her.  I had brought treats, and when i asked if i could give them to him both women told me he would not take treats.  He had and still has eating issues.  But when i held out my hand to him, he came right over and grabbed the nugget and ate it.  They were amazed.  He hasn't done that again since then.  When it came time to weigh him he ran around the room not wanting to be picked up (he still does this with everyone but me) and i swooped down and grabbed him.  He was mine as soon as we saw each other.  He fell asleep between my legs as i sat crosslegged on the floor.

The only problem was that I was going away for the weekend, and he had not yet been chipped.  He needed one more trip to the vet to be cleared for adoption and there was no way he would enjoy being in a party house with a bunch of loud (mostly intoxicated) adults all weekend.  That and there were no dogs allowed in NH house.  I actually tried to back out of going, so he could come home with me.  But i was assured they needed the time with him to get him through the shelter process.  I was so concerned that someone else would come and get him.  And honestly, i had been waiting for him and now that i found him I wasn't happy about leaving him.

On May 31st i went and picked him up and brought him home.  He did not know how to play.  He refused to eat or drink, and he wanted to hide in his crate.  His history from what i'm told was that he had never been outside, taken care of by a handicapped woman who from the sound of it wasn't very well taken care of herself.  He was emaciated and dehydrated when he was turned in to the shelter and spent a week in the hospital.  He spent 6 months in foster care before he was ready to be adopted and i'm the first and only one that met him to do so.  He was given to me in a cat carrier.  I can't imagine him being any smaller than he was then.

An interesting fact is that for about 2 years i had been wanting a dog and then i would talk myself out of it.  My ex didn't think that a small dog was "really" a dog and was less than enthusiastic and went so far as to tell me "no"....hahahah  nice try.  I talked about it on and off and knew that i would meet a dog that would be mine eventually.  All of a sudden i had a mad and unrelenting need to find "a dog" and i told my girlfriend that i was ready and serious.  I started filling out applications everywhere and was getting really frustrated with the lack of response when you consider how many animals are in kill shelters.

One day Lisa called me and told me to come down and meet him.  He was the first, and the only dog i met.  The shelter is located in Terriville and has a reputation for being strict in who they adopt out to. Wolcott, where i was living at the time, is where he had been turned in from.......right around the corner from where i was living.  I walked by his home several times a week on the reservoir trail.  He was two when i adopted him, and he had been living there since the time i had begun to think i needed a dog.  We were meant to be. His name was "tiny" which i though was horrid for a small male dog and even though they advised not changing his name i did it anyways.  He needed a bigger, fuller, more meaningful name.  He became Miyagi due to his little white beard.

And here we are a year later, he and I.  It has been less than stable for him yet he has adapted so well.  He has become less fragile, more robust.  He plays fetch (when he desires) and eats regularly although still only the one food.  He goes with me everywhere, even work and grocery stores.  I carry him in a modified hippie boho bag (NOT a purse) and he is so quiet and happy to be resting against me that people very rarely notice he is with me.  Kids see him, and i love that.  I love him so much and can't imagine my life, and especially this past year, without him.  My constant and steady love.

days of yore

Memorial Day weekend, in past years, has been one where "we" would all go to the New Hampshire house and spend the weekend together.  We'd go riding on the bikes one day, picnic at the lake with the kayaks the next - go to flee markets......sit by a huge bonfire at night, drinking, eating, laughing...being quiet.  It was one of my favorite places on this earth and the people i spent the weekend with, some of my favorite people.

But that was then.  And while its okay for me to remember and smile- that time has passed.  I'm glad to have had it.  The rule up there on that property is that its the men that are constants and the women- well, they change.  There was always the core group for as long as i had ever been going- the long timers, I was the newbie. He had never brought anyone (female) there before me.  So of course because i like to punish myself, all I could think about this weekend was "Is he there with her?"

Here's the funny part.  I don't care if HE was, I care that she would be with my friends. I'm not sure if thats progress or regression.  After the first year i don't think it was ever about him and I getting away together anyways.  It was about going away with our friends.  He spent time with the men, and I spent time with the women.  Even at night we never went to sleep together after the first year. In the beginning he made it a nice ride- i loved the ride to and back because he would talk.  We would have conversations.  Hold hands.  Laugh, listen to the radio.  We always knew when we passed over state lines, and i think we had hit every rest stop both ways..........But that was then.

I thought thinking about it would ruin my weekend and i kept trying to avoid it.  I started getting a bitchy feeling and finally i gave in and just remembered all the good times.  We had a lot there, with people we both love.  And i can smile when i think about it, and not try to forget.  These would be "keeper" memories.  He wasn't always an asshole.  He just couldn't keep his dick in his pants.

SO THIS WEEKEND we went to the beach and campground.  We being my bestie of over 40 (never telling how much over 40) and her family.  It was dreary, cold, windy....and i could care less.  I frankly love the beach when no one is there much better.  It reminds me how small i am, how powerless to the tides.....the ocean will always be. That makes me feel happy in a world where everything is temporary.  Time to start new traditions.

on a roll

It's true.  Life throws punches you never admit you saw coming, where you live, where you call home - who you call home, it can change in a moment.  You feel like life as you know it has been destroyed and you barely have the energy or heart to even think about where you will go now, how you will begin to rebuild.

For me, it started with having my dearest friend nearly demand that i move in with her and her family.  I was so befuddled, so out of my head and lost that had she not taken over my place of residence problem i'm not sure where i would be right now.  It wasn't a matter of not being able to pay for an apartment - but the whole idea of packing up my home, deciding what to fairly leave behind, detaching from the town I loved but could no longer bear to be in, all of it.....was just too much.  I think now that i would have ended up in a very bad place, mentally and physically.  

And it wasn't just her, it was many of my friends offering assistance to house me, help me, sooth me, keep me busy, keep me in the here and now instead of slipping into that place of pain and darkness. They knew when to take care, and when to get into my face - remind me of my worth, that things would get better.  My children, stepping up as adults and assuring me, offering their help - their concern, grown ups who have barely started their own lives having to worry about their mother and doing so lovingly and cheerfully.  The holidays i so loved to host for them divided up between them and all i had to do was appear.  All the doubts, and repetitive talking and worrying i did and everyone being patient and supportive......keeping me alive in more than one way.  It's so true that you find out whats what when the shit hits the fan.  No one has anything to gain by loving me, caring for me, TOLERATING me.....and yet there they were.  There they are.  I am so grateful to have birthed and found such amazing people in my life.  From one end of the spectrum to the other, from offering a roof over my head to occasionally texting me to make sure i know they are still there, that i haven't been forgotten, that i'm still loved.  

And on that note - I'm about to stand on my own two feet again.  I took the first step beyond fantasy of finding my new home.  MY new home.  One i will choose, in a town i choose, fresh just mine with no memories to haunt me.  I finally contacted a real estate agent and have begun to work with her already, like within 5 minutes.  And now i'm contacting mortgage brokers - the ball has begun to roll.  I'm terrified if i'm to be honest.  This is commitment after all.  I know how THAT turns out.  This time all there is is me to depend on.  

But if i'm to look back on my life, that's pretty much all there EVER was - me.  Not my mother, not my ex husband, not my ex boyfriend.........Me.  As a matter of fact, it may be easier without all the baggage.  I may shock myself.  It may not be as difficult as i've led myself to believe.  

In other news - my pistol permit came through.  All thats left is to pay for it which i'm doing next week to kick off my vacation the right way.  And one of the most exciting things for me that has also happened this week is that I WAS ABLE TO BEND MY LEG ALL THE WAY LIKE A NORMAL PERSON which means.....i can begin yoga in earnest again.  I need to keep up that momentum ya know, because i also hit my first goal weight and am dropping those pounds steadily.  YES!

I'm coming back to me.  A new me, but not a broken me.  A stronger, wiser, perhaps less trusting and naive me, but still a better me. Exciting and terrifying at the same time.  I'm READY. 

Good times, bad times - you know i've had my share

Where do i start?  How do i sort this out?  Do i really need to or am i obsessing?  "Thinking too much"........

My therapist, as i have stated before, is awesome.  I'm so glad i found her.  She has a lovely sense of humor and isn't at all stodgy, however, she doesn't pull any punches.  She is succinct, one of my favorite qualities for a person to have.  At the end of my last session she told me to pay attention to how my body is reacting to given situations (certain people and/or situations literally make me sick) and then told me "Maybe you have chemistry with the wrong kind of man"......so simple.  so dead on true.

What is this push i have to find a mate?  Why is it necessary to me?  It's not as if i don't have enough to do, and there is plenty more waiting should i decide i'm bored of what i'm currently occupied with.  Why do i continually search?  For the first time in my life I am alone.  That can be said with a exclamation happy face, or a period with a sad face.  My experience thus far has been both.  There are times i am SO happy I don't have a man.  Like when i hear one whining.  I think "ha, I don't have to give a shit"........and at the same time, that thinking can and should be applied to any whining man, in a relationship or not.  Whining, is simply unacceptable.

I had to delete a diatribe right there, above.  It went from whining to a whole bunch of other unacceptable behaviors i have endured in the name of love. The difference now, that i've had some time is that i no longer blame the men I have been with.  I blame myself for taking such shit.  I have two feet and a brain that functions, i should have used both and vamoosed.  I think the worse their behavior the more i thought I could soothe the lion, making me lovable.  Making me comforting and loyal and worth staying with.  Because i take your shit and you in turn never leave me.  The worse your behavior the tighter i hold on.

That's majorly fucked up.  Thanks mom.

I've always hated it when grown ass people blame their parents for their own fuckedupedness.  Your are an adult, you know the difference.  Do better.  But i have to admit, my action are most certainly my own doing- how i feel about myself is based on how my mother never valued me.  How i was ignored for most of my young life and then thrown away like garbage at 16.  I think, no matter how much i don't want to give that woman any credit for anything in my current life, i have to admit that that relationship has colored how i feel about my own worth.  My own potential.  My own ability.

Well.  Fuck you mom.  I AM blaming your shitty parenting for my inability to let go of men that treat me poorly.  My coping has always been "do the opposite of what she would have done" and thats just as unhealthy and dysfunctional.  So i've been as crappy as you, only on the other side of the spectrum.  You loved yourself above ALL others and i've loved everyone else above myself. I have never made a choice that made me feel good without wondering if i deserved to.  Never.  I always feel bad about anything that is solely there to make me happy.

ANYWAY.

As much as i hate reviewing my childhood, this therapist has done a great job of not making my present ALL ABOUT my past.  However, there are links - of course.  And she has been great about making me see them.  And not brush them off.  I deserve to be loved, and treated well.  Of course! you say - I would say ..........but I still have a hard time believing it when it comes to ME.  Its meant for everyone else.

This isn't a "oh feel sorry for poor MB" post.  It's a written black and white acknowledgement that I have some serious self image shit going on that needs to be dealt with.

I believed that my ex broke up with me because I had become reclusive and fat.  There.  I had gotten to the point that i no longer looked in a full length mirror because there was just so much of me to see.  I felt ugly, fat, old, sad.....and that this must be the reason he no longer came home and if he did, why he no longer looked at me, or talked to me.......or anything me.  So I got worse.  and I saw him less.  And he found someone else.  So there it was, what i had been waiting for.  I was not worth keeping, or helping, or loving unless I was skinny, happy all the time, young, pretty.  I proved myself right into a severe depression that began way before he left me.

Maybe another man would have handled my decline differently.  Maybe he would have helped me crawl out of the darkness.  I don't know.  The bottom line is I had to do it myself.  I could and i did, do it myself.   Depression is not a choice any more than drug addiction is.  The only people i hear saying that stupid shit is the ones who haven't YET experienced either.   No one chooses this.  Coming out of it does require some self talk, even if you don't believe it.  Even if you are faking it till you make it.  Whatever it takes, that's my new motto.  Happy is such a better place to be, but also so much scarier.  There's something to lose.  Or someone.

Obviously a rambling no purpose blog to anyone reading it.  But things that needed to be said to myself, as someone who loves me.  The smarmy memes that remind us that happiness begins within....they aren't lying.

Dear Ex

Today you called me twice in a row.  I know this because although my phone doesn't ring and you cannot leave a message or text, it does let me know when a blocked caller has called.  I'm not sure why it does that. I don't need to know you called any more than i need to answer, or listen to a message.

I'm sure your reason had to do with our cat.  I know you are sad. We are all sad.  You shouldn't look for comfort in me, if that is in fact why you called.  I'm not the one.  I certainly am not looking to you for any comfort.  I don't want to cry with you, or talk about funny things she did.  You aren't the one.

You were at one time but you didn't want that anymore.  You made your choice and now you get to live with it.  Any shaky relationship we had left ended with your last "fuck you" to me.  It was in that moment that i realized you had no care for me, probably never had.  You cared for yourself, and for what i could do for you, what i could give to you.  Every "insecurity" I ever had regarding you was confirmed in that one single moment.  It was never about us.  It was always about you.

You've told my to fuck off many times and it's embarrassing to see it here in black and white and know that i accepted it.  But that day, after having spent the majority of the day justifiably worrying about YOU and YOUR life,  that was the day I knew.  All i wanted was for you to be okay.  It's all i ever wanted.  And at the end of that day I even told you I loved you, and that i wanted the best for you- and your response was "Fuck you".  That was us, even though there was no more us.  I knew i wanted nothing more to do with you, that any continued contact with you would invite more of the same disrespect and pain.

There has been no drama in my life since we parted.  Can you say the same?  What does that tell you?

I never lied to you.  I told you I don't look back, I move on.  I'm not sure why you didn't believe me (or didn't care to) when i've left others behind and not looked back.  My mother, my sister, my ex husband of 20 years......Did you really think you would be different?  You had me.  You had 110% of me.  You didn't want me and now you don't have me.  You don't get to call me when you feel sad, or mad, or any time at all.  You gave that up.  I thought i couldn't live without you in my life.  I was wrong.

 Our relationship was chucked out the window by you in a matter of seconds. It held no value for you. You made no attempt at working with me to fix it, even when i asked you to go to counseling.  You just wanted out.  You just wanted it over.  There was no doubt in you then, and there is no doubt in ME now.

So yes, there is a part of me that will always love you, because i am human and imperfect.  I am not capable of cutting that love out and throwing it away in an instant.  It will take me time.  Each day it will grow smaller and smaller until I no longer remember what it felt like to love you.

Just as you wanted.

Wish you were here

She was something different to everyone.  Even her name was spelled differently by everyone.  

Arwyn, Arwen, Arwin- She answered only her real names, Queen.  Or Hussy.  Our tiny white secret, worthy of eviction if necessary.  Time goes by so rapidly because she seems too young to have left us.  Didn't I just find her in Lindsay's room yesterday?  

She knew who to persuade, who to bat her pretty little eyes at.......from day one she spoke to me with that little but loud "meow" and she secretly became mine, even though my daughter claimed her. Everyone who knew her claimed her. 

Years later, after the kids had left home and my relationship with "him" ended, everyone wanted to take her.  I wanted her, he wanted her, Lindsay and Tim both wanted her......she was not without love, this little girl.  It hurts my heart to say goodbye.  I'm so glad we were able to know you. 

One step forward....

The good news is that the happy feeling is still mostly with me.  The bad news is that I majorly triggered myself and basically had a shut down.  Only for one night and a day though.  So i consider this progress on my part.

I didn't call everyone in creation as if i was drowning.  I wasn't.  I was just very very sad and my brain was saturated with memories, good and bad.  I sat with it.  I lay there all night allowing myself to think and to feel and to deal.  In the morning I took care of myself by calling in to work and having a day of silence with just me, myself and I.  I didn't force the happy face on, I didn't damper the feelings rioting through me, and i didn't stop the tears with a strong face.  I just let it all come, and go, and come again.

The temptation was strong to stay in bed and sleep - however, that's just another avoidance technique that i'm quite good at using.  All it does is prolong the pain and anxiety.  I still have to deal with it when i finally wake up.

Waking up is a good way to describe my life at this point- because i really have been asleep at the wheel for many years.  Knowing, and refusing to accept the truth of my situation does not make for a lasting relationship or happiness.  It didn't save me, ignoring the truth.  All it did was leave the element of surprise in play, a horrible, painful surprise.  Now i've learned. Just because i believed he would be a good man didn't make him a good man.  Not for me.

I played my part in the game and that's something that has to be accepted.  I had the freedom to move on at any time and never did.  I must have fed off the misery and drama just as much as he did.  The difference is, i've had my fill and I don't want any more.........ever.  The first sign of mixed emotions where i'm concerned is all i'll ever need to move it along elsewhere.  I've spent too much of my life with men who didn't give as much to the relationship as i did, and that won't be happening again.

So while some days I cry - most days i grow, and stretch towards the light.

House of Cards

I'm so close to completing my final project for the art course i'm taking......i can taste it.  The altered book i've been working on has been both a blessing and a curse, at times saving me from myself and a negative thought pattern.  I've put a lot of me into this project.

As someone who has never been "good" at artistic endeavors this whole experience has been a pleasant surprise.  I signed up because it is completely off my beaten track, nothing i would have even considered taking if my life hadn't been in such complete disarray during the registration period.  I wanted to be anyone but me, DO anything but what i normally did........and my only regret, as usual, is that i didn't do it sooner.

Sometimes mistakes turn into the most beautiful expressions of what we need to convey.  I'm someone who is comfortable with words and now i have found a brand new way of communication without sound or even context.  It just, is.  

The more time out I have the more i realize how very filled my life is.  I am in transition, yes.  I have no physical roots at the moment, yes.  I am alone for the first time in my life, yet, i am never alone.  Even when my body is the only breath in the room - I am never alone.  There is no panicked voice in my head telling me no-one loves me because since i have been set free there has been NOTHING but love and support in my life.  It's really kind of amazing.  

I find myself in a good place at the moment.  The summer is being layed out in front of me like a blank page in a journal......i get to fill it with whatever i want.   I may actually use my vacation time and take a trip to visit a friend.  I may visit several friends!  

I haven't gotten myself pre-approved for the condo yet because every time  I think about it i have a mini heart attack.  But i think i've worked through all the "what ifs" and i'm ready to jump.  If only i could use the same caution when entering romantic relationships!  haha i'm so funny.  It's time.  

I'm scared of this lightness, this "happy" feeling.  I don't trust it, or that it will last.  But......what have i got to lose by enjoying it while it's here?  Not a damn thing.