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on a roll

It's true.  Life throws punches you never admit you saw coming, where you live, where you call home - who you call home, it can change in a moment.  You feel like life as you know it has been destroyed and you barely have the energy or heart to even think about where you will go now, how you will begin to rebuild.

For me, it started with having my dearest friend nearly demand that i move in with her and her family.  I was so befuddled, so out of my head and lost that had she not taken over my place of residence problem i'm not sure where i would be right now.  It wasn't a matter of not being able to pay for an apartment - but the whole idea of packing up my home, deciding what to fairly leave behind, detaching from the town I loved but could no longer bear to be in, all of it.....was just too much.  I think now that i would have ended up in a very bad place, mentally and physically.  

And it wasn't just her, it was many of my friends offering assistance to house me, help me, sooth me, keep me busy, keep me in the here and now instead of slipping into that place of pain and darkness. They knew when to take care, and when to get into my face - remind me of my worth, that things would get better.  My children, stepping up as adults and assuring me, offering their help - their concern, grown ups who have barely started their own lives having to worry about their mother and doing so lovingly and cheerfully.  The holidays i so loved to host for them divided up between them and all i had to do was appear.  All the doubts, and repetitive talking and worrying i did and everyone being patient and supportive......keeping me alive in more than one way.  It's so true that you find out whats what when the shit hits the fan.  No one has anything to gain by loving me, caring for me, TOLERATING me.....and yet there they were.  There they are.  I am so grateful to have birthed and found such amazing people in my life.  From one end of the spectrum to the other, from offering a roof over my head to occasionally texting me to make sure i know they are still there, that i haven't been forgotten, that i'm still loved.  

And on that note - I'm about to stand on my own two feet again.  I took the first step beyond fantasy of finding my new home.  MY new home.  One i will choose, in a town i choose, fresh just mine with no memories to haunt me.  I finally contacted a real estate agent and have begun to work with her already, like within 5 minutes.  And now i'm contacting mortgage brokers - the ball has begun to roll.  I'm terrified if i'm to be honest.  This is commitment after all.  I know how THAT turns out.  This time all there is is me to depend on.  

But if i'm to look back on my life, that's pretty much all there EVER was - me.  Not my mother, not my ex husband, not my ex boyfriend.........Me.  As a matter of fact, it may be easier without all the baggage.  I may shock myself.  It may not be as difficult as i've led myself to believe.  

In other news - my pistol permit came through.  All thats left is to pay for it which i'm doing next week to kick off my vacation the right way.  And one of the most exciting things for me that has also happened this week is that I WAS ABLE TO BEND MY LEG ALL THE WAY LIKE A NORMAL PERSON which means.....i can begin yoga in earnest again.  I need to keep up that momentum ya know, because i also hit my first goal weight and am dropping those pounds steadily.  YES!

I'm coming back to me.  A new me, but not a broken me.  A stronger, wiser, perhaps less trusting and naive me, but still a better me. Exciting and terrifying at the same time.  I'm READY. 

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