Me being in daily contact with Mary is probably weird. I've asked myself multiple times, "why"? At first the only thing we had in common was Mr. Cigar, and you know what they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"
Is that what this is? I don't want him. She doesn't want him - won't go into what i know, but i know she is not available to him even though she lives there still. Not my business to share, but the situation isn't good for either one but he asked for it.
She reaches out more than i do, but i engage with her daily, as i said. We vent, we talk about future plans, things we want to do, and pretty much support each other. She is more prim and reserved until she gets mad. She's a tiny little thing and she is just as confused about her attraction to Mr. Cigar as i am. I call him the devil. He turns on the charm and you don't see all the bullshit he's feeding you.
I do feel like it's been helpful talking with her. He treats her like shit. Theres a snapshot of what any woman will go through if living with him. And to think, I actually considered it. Makes me want to punch myself.
Here's the thing. I didn't. I gave up NOTHING to be with him. I held on to myself and my space in the world. At least i learned that much with all the dating and failed relationships.
I've considered cutting her off too. I've asked myself why do i continue to talk to her. If it was only about Mr. Cigar, there would be no question. But she gets it. She lives it. We understand what it feels like to be so thoroughly manipulated and want more until we get it. We support each other.
I do believe everything happens for a reason. We meet people through other people and become close, while the original person was just passing through. The real ones stay. Sometimes we need a bridge to meet. Maybe Mr. Cigar was a bridge.
Or maybe i just like hearing about what a miserable fucker he is.
This, THIS is overthinking.
In other parts of my brain, i feel like i stuck my neck out yestereday after a meeting and i feel a little foolish. It could have been great, because i'm participating and offering alternatives, but it also could have been overstepping....in the arena with the big dogs. I need to shut my mouth and observe. I'm not sure if it was good, that i tried, or that i was a nuisance. Time will tell.
I'm proud that i pushed myself to say something that i felt was useful and constructive. Period.
My kids are no longer even responding to my text messages. My son is pretty good about answering when i call, which he never used to be. But he never calls me. Never. My daughter has been completely ignoring me and i don't know what is going on. Neither has said a word about Koda, and i thought for sure a cute puppy would make them speak to me.
Not sure what to do, or what i did or didn't do. It hurts. But there is part of me that realizes they are both in the thick of building their lives and considering that they think everything i do is stupid or irresponsible (incidentally, thats not how i raised them) you would think they would check and make sure i'm alive once in a while. Not sure what i can do. I've asked to go to NY repeatedly and when i pick an actual day it's never a good time. No invites. From either camp.
I mean.........i stay in Connecticut so i can be relatively close, a drive away, from my kids. And i never see them. Rarely talk with them.
What is keeping me here when i can't afford it, and i'm literally salivating to start somewhere new, fresh.......I even considered Texas, something i NEVER would have considered years ago. Alaska has bitten me now.....i've been researching, and chatting with people who actually live there - and a seed has been planted. It's growing roots. I'm starting to plan my vacation for next winter which i think will be 2 weeks in fairbanks in the winter. When it's the coldest, and the darkest. "the worst part" if you will. Visiting in the summer isn't a full depiction of what life is really like.
I don't mind the cold when i don't have to be out in it. I can hibernate inside quite happily for weeks at a time. If i have koda, and my books and internet access........it might actually be ideal. A small commuinity, nature, isolation when needed........space.
Like i said it's just a seed. But it's growing.
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