deal with it

 Every morning i wake up and feel the growth of brand new hairs on my chin.

This is part of the aging process.  Why, after all these years, would i need hair on my chin?  What part of evolution is this?  The hormones? Is this where my bigger balls are coming from? The testosterone coursing through my aging body wasting time on growing hair.  ON MY CHIN.

Because aging isn't fun enough.

Add to that little surprise bursts of pure anger when a thought crosses my mind concerning Mr. Cigar over the past year.  Not at him. At myself.  He IS all the things i think he is, and he DID do the despicable disrespectful things that he did..........but it was ME that continued to allow his con artist ass back in.

Repeatedly.

And that gets my panties in a bunch because i thought i was in a better place.  

Maybe its better because i kept running from him, but i also returned.  Maybe it's better because i dealt in reality and tried to talk myself into "no one is perfect" and "he had a truly horrible childhood".......but fuck that noise.  We are all adults, too old to blame shitty behavior on our childhood.

I want a man.  I want sex, and appreciation and partnership.  I'm thinking that it's never going to happen, that my perfect man does not exist.  That is my price, my karma for centering on men most of my life.  I focused on getting what i didn't have, not what i had.  A young family, career potential, friends.  

Age makes you look at things differently.  I was doing what i thought i needed to do after leaving my husband.  I wanted fun, but i wanted a man for "protection" from lifes problems.  The one i picked actually gave me MORE problems but all i knew was that i was not alone.  Even though i felt alone.  I had "a man" to attach to, to attach to his life because i didn't know what was happening to my own.  I grabbed the first "fun" man who floated my boat and told myself he was what i needed.

We don't need anyone.  The truth is, partnership usually means twice the problems along with the company.

It's worth it because that partner is "yours".  But thats only for as long as they choose to be, and normally they don't tell you they have changed their mind until after they have already betrayed you.  Further fucking you up for future men.

yay.

I'm in my head.  That is something Mr. Cigar said to me if i even questioned his behavior ......yes, I am in my head.  It's mine.  Where else should i be?

What i shouldn't be doing is getting myself all upset about something that never mattered.  It was all a lie.  I found out so much more about his betrayal and i'm beyond disgusted.  Am i a fool or is he the devil?  I believed because i wanted to believe.  Why did he lie?  Actively betray me, lie to my face and act like i was crazy when he KNEW i was right.

This is a great reason to just live like a nun.

Not such a postive place this morning, after a weekend of stewing on stuff that should be dead and gone by now.  i'm sure this too, shall pass.