What do you want?!

Been on a dating site the past few weeks, curious to see what is out there when i decide it's time again.  Men can be really......boring.  And crude. And predictable.  At least on these sites - i'm not saying "all men".  I rather like men. Mostly.

The interesting ones actually read my profile and start a conversation mentioning things we have in common, etc. They also have more than one picture that shows a glimpse of their lives. At least one picture has to have a smile.   I take these guys more seriously and don't just "delete", and let me tell you- i delete a hell of a lot more than respond.  One sentence, that is not perfectly constructed and succinctly targeting my interests does NOT qualify for a response.

"hey"
"you're beautiful"
"what's up"
"how are you"
"hi"
"Your hair is great"
"your eyes are pretty"
"whats your name"
"love your smile"

Etc. etc. etc.               yawn.

Is it hard?  No, i don't think so actually.  It's not a bar, or public place where you have to think of something on the spot.  You have time to compose something witty, interesting, telling me something that makes me want to know more......I am not wasting time on any men that can't be bothered to talk to me DURING THE FIRST ENCOUNTER.   Fucking had enough of that shit to last a lifetime. That blank look with no response when you ask a direct question......fuck off.  I know your type and i've outgrown being treated like shit.  Put an ounce of effort into your introduction.  It's a clear indicator on if you are "fishing" or looking for a relationship.  I'm not doing your work for you.

If a conversation lulls, i let it.  Fuck keeping it up.  Let him do it.  If they are interested they will continue to pursue.  I hold up my end and that's as much as i'll do.  The first and last man i ever chased spent the entire relationship running and then he dumped me after 13 years.  So, no, i won't be chasing anyone again.  You want me?  Come get me. Meantime, i won't be waiting for you. I'll be talking to the guys who put some effort into knowing me because they think i'm worth it. OR i'll be reading a book.  Or going out with friends.  Or researching a new topic.  Or destroying some pinterest project.  ANYTHING but chasing.  Even getting colonic hydrotherapy.

I have been asked out, of course.  That is the point to this site.  I've declined due to the way i was asked, or the quickness of it - but this morning i was asked by someone who i think i'd like to spend time with.  So i'm going and i'm looking forward to it.  See what happens.  He hasn't once said anything off color, or remotely sexual.  (class)  Flirtation?  yes.  My ONLY hope is that i'll hope he kisses me.  And that that will be enough, for now.

I know i'm going to have to date a few mistakes before i find someone compatible.  Maybe i'll get lucky and i won't have to. :)  A girl can hope.  A woman knows better.  Sigh.

I haven't ever dated any grown up men with their shit together who want to spend time with me.  I've been out of the loop for decades.  I have a really good understanding of myself, what i need and what I will not compromise on.  I'd love to look better, younger, thinner, prettier......but you know what?  I'd rather have someone meet me as I am right now and fall in love with who I am and not how i look.  Because assholes tell women that they are going to leave them if they ever hit 200 lbs.......and they don't take into consideration that they have lost most their hair, AND their rippled abs, AND there tight little roofer butt...so maybe they should take a look in the mirror before they go saying misogynistic shit like that to the woman they "love".....kidding, kidding.......just as much as he was.

Admittedly a disjointed blog that maybe i'll not even understand later.  But....it is what it is.  

Conflicted

This weekend was better than the last.  I didn't make any new startling and heartbreaking discoveries so i'm going to consider that a good thing.  My favorite Christmas party was Saturday night, the one i look forward to each year.  I wasn't going to go but the hostess, my friend, basically told me i was going- because i would feel bad if I didn't go and because SHE would feel bad and that of course, is what changed my mind.  I've been told by 3 different people in as many days that i'm "too nice"........that shit has to change.

SO- obviously this was a party I went to with the x-bf every year.  These were all originally his friends and they became my friends as well.  Now it feels strange because i'm starting to feel the differences in people........i feel sides being taken due to life circumstances, and changes happening.  I knew it would, i'm sure i'm changing as well.  It hurts though- there is so much more to a breakup than just the two people doing the breaking up.

However, on the flip side, I've been supported and shown love by a lot more people than i expected.  Like i said, these were his friends first but i've become close to them.  He barely knew who my friends were, never mind get close to them.  I think about that a lot lately - that he never made an effort to even get to know my closest life long friend.  The only strong feelings he ever had about any of my friends was that he hated a male friend of mine, who told me i wasn't being treated well.  Go figure.

BUT- that's in the past and makes little difference to my present aside from knowing yet another warning sign i completely ignored and won't again. New guy, get to know my friends.  Or i'll know you aren't serious about me.

Anyways, because we both went to this party, i assumed he would also attend this year, wouldn't have expected otherwise.  Originally we were still going to go together even though we are not a couple, but that got blown to shit after i visualized running his ass over in our old driveway......not a good idea.  He said he wasn't going to go, that i shouldn't worry, have a good time.  I asked a mutual friend of ours to go with me, more specifically, to drive my hopefully drunk self home later. I trust him, I know he wouldn't let harm come to me and i'd have a blast with him because he always cracks me up.
Great night right?

The ex shows up to the party, cause a stir, and then leaves.  I just didn't want to be caught without a game face and he couldn't let me have that.  I don't know what his purpose was, or if he even remembered our multiple conversations about just giving me the heads up if he was coming.....another example of him not giving one good shit about his word, or my feelings.

So i'm surprised, and then i'm sweating, and trying not to cry and play it cool - it was like being slapped hard in the face.  Our friend Brenda basically talked me down as i considered if the window behind me would open so i could get out.  Now, if i was going to do something like that, i would have at least walked up to him, given him a kiss on the cheek and a hug and said Merry Christmas - like anyone else.  But it was obvious he felt out of place as he practically sprinted by and out the door and that made me feel bad for him which is why i'm an asshole.  Always worried about him, or someone else's feelings.  

Sometimes being "nice" or "caring" is a flaw.  I need to learn how to take care of me first and not feel bad about it.  I have a feeling that once i start doing that, my feelings may be taken more seriously by anyone who wants to keep me in their life.  

I have a right to be hurt, to be angry, to feel wronged but i ALSO need to take responsibility for the fact that i take a lot more shit than any woman should.  To stay with a man.  I don't want to be that woman anymore and every day i see how i was.

No more conflict.  Shitty behavior will get you dismissed from my concern or caring.  We are all grown ups here and i'm not looking to raise anyone else.  There.  no more conflict.

Is it too much to ask?

A male friend of mine warned me that "they would be crawling out of the woodwork" ......They being men, and crawling is an apt description.  Because like snakes, they have no backbone.

Let's review my last month, shall we?  My boyfriend of 13 years broke up with me out of the clear blue sky and a month later I moved out of the house we shared. It was the best month we've had together in years with him spending time at home, sharing in chores, actually TALKING to each other......how it could have- SHOULD have been all along.  I left with the feeling that we loved each other, that we needed a solid break to work on our own selves, and then we would eventually find our way back.  Because that's what love does.

Proof that 80's movies have destroyed my reality of love and romance.

After doing some reading i realize i was in denial.  BIG denial.  He never once fed into the fantasy that we would ever re-unite.  Even at the end i was fucking clueless.  But boy did i get a wake up call when one week later I went back to the house, with his permission - and found lady things that were not mine.  Talk about a punch in the throat.  It felt like my guts had been pulled out if my nose. Slowly.

Then friends soothed me with "men do that"...........Yeah,  some men DO do that.

So whatever, right?  We were mutually broken up and I could easily have gone out the Saturday I moved out and gotten myself some ass.  Because of course, that was foremost in my mind.  That's some sarcasm for anyone who doesn't understand sarcasm.

ANYONE can get laid.  ANYONE.  It's not an achievement.  And here comes Polly Anna - Having someone make love with you is the part you need to earn, to nurture, to grow.  And that got thrown away for a fuck.......It happens all the time.

For instance, I recently spoke with a man who at the end of the conversation told me he has a girlfriend but he isn't in love with her.  Doesn't want to sleep with her.  But she's a good woman and he doesn't want to hurt her, she doesn't deserve to be hurt.  She takes good care of him.  So, would i like to go out with him?

uh.  I can't even.  This is the pickings?  First off- any man who knows me even a little bit knows that now isn't the time.  Second, any man that wants me to "go out" with him right now, wants a hot mess as a companion.  Thirdly, I may be heartbroken but I am not stupid.  Or Desperate.

This is what i attract.  Because as this man was giving me his line, all i could think about was my ex bf, saying the same fucking thing to some dumb ass woman.

At first, i felt really horrible and then I felt empowered.  I can see this shit a mile away now.  And i'm old enough that I don't have to worry about having children or getting married.  I get to be picky as fuck.  And THIS kind of man- lol - no baby, you don't stand a chance.  I would MUCH rather be alone.  But i'm not really alone at all and I never was.  I have my kids, my friends, and I have myself.  
So maybe no more tears okay MB?  Maybe let's just sit back and enjoy this ride for a while and get picky about who gets to join us.  There are types.  and I seem to fall for the ones that will hurt me - and yet.........I should have known, right?  The signs were always there I just never paid attention because i never put myself first.  I accepted less than i deserved.  I felt i had to work hard to have someone love me.

And that's simply not true.  All i ever had to be was myself and the right person will either come along or won't.  In the meantime, no more bullshit.

But damn do i want to kiss someone.  :)  I'm human.  give me a break.

spewing filth and bile

Good days, bad days - they are all the same to me now.  I knew that the temporary lull of peace would not last and that any good feelings i had regarding him would expire.......i knew it, and yet i was so surprised when it happened.  Again.  And Again.

Any contact i have with him makes me feel like shit and any contact i don't have with him makes me feel so empty.  Like organs have been removed.  With no pain medication.  

This is driving me crazy.  My head keeps telling me it won't go on like this forever and i just have to wade through all the shitty feelings and then put them to rest.  But every time i think i'm done, i get hit with more information and i'm back to the beginning again.  

I have to stop this.  He has.  But he hasn't really dealt with it because he got busy banging someone else right away.  He's all good.  The thought of being with anyone else right now makes me feel nauseous but he wants me to believe he didn't talk to this person until after I moved out.  Because THAT makes a huge difference to me.  Asshole.

Maybe it's his lies that i can see right through that hurt me more than the breakup.  Because he truly thinks i'm an idiot and can't do me the common courtesy of being truthful, even now, when he has nothing to lose.  

If he only just started talking to her after i moved out, she's a real whore.  Maybe she's the one he should be treating like a fool.  oh, wait- he will.  It may take over a decade, but her time will come.  And so will anyone elses that has the poor judgement of thinking they are in a relationship with him.  

Whats worse than being ignored in a relationship?  Being ignored when you want to tell him off, need to tell him off.  But then, my needs were never a big concern for him anyways.  Like the time he drove home at over 100mph from Vermont because he wanted to stay overnight, even though he had told me we were only going for the day- and i didn't have my medication with me.  Or the only dog food that Miyagi will eat, or any clothes - So he took me home on a hell ride, risking our lives, because he didn't get to spend the night in VT.  THAT's the kind of caring any bitch should get ready for.  Because if you are needing those syringes you left in the bathroom i cleaned,  you better not depend on him.  You will die.  

And if you have have surgery, and need someone to stay with you for 24 hours DO NOT depend on him because he will leave your ass alone because you aren't any good to him incapacitated.  And if you fall and hurt yourself, don't expect him to help you up.  He'll stand above you looking at you like you are a reject.  And if you injure yourself, you better find someone else to take you to the doctors, and make sure you have food in the house, because he will leave you alone to go to work (okay fine) and THEN to go hang out with his boys.  

Also, don't expect him to take care of himself or allow you to take care of him either.  He will bitch and moan and cry and rage and DO NOTHING about it but make your life a living hell.  

I was SUCH A LOSER to have listened to his bullshit all these years.  I thought thats what you do when you love someone.  You trust them.  Even when you have doubts, you err on the side of your partner.  Well THATS all blown to shit now too.  What little trust i was able to give has now been proven to be the most stupid thing i've ever done in my life.

"I don't want to hold you back"........translates into "i have someone i'd like to fuck and she won't until you move out".  I hope this chick wraps him around her pinky and then destroys him. 

Honor the past for what it was

My daughter is a smart woman and many times I believe i have learned more from her than I was ever able to teach her.  Both my children, actually, blow me out of the water.  If i have done nothing of value in this life except give birth to them, and to know them, i am successful.

Now they are adults, living adult lives, making adult choices - and they are better at it than i ever was.  Maybe when you grow up watching someone make stupid mistake after stupid mistake you learn not to follow in their footsteps.  You learn how to avoid the pitfalls.

She called me this weekend and told me (in not these exact words) that I needed to not go off the deep end and dishonor the relationship i've had for the past 13 years.  That yes, it ended badly, but that there were a lot of great memories to cherish.  That it hadn't been a waste of time.  That I had learned a lot about myself that i needed to learn.

He didn't need to hurt me by letting me know he had been with someone else so soon after I had moved out.  He didn't need to leave the evidence of another female out where i would see it in the house I had so recently called home. He had been given ample time to keep his life private before i showed up.  He didn't need to purposely hurt me, and yet he did.  It wasn't until the moment i found out that I truly accepted we were over.  He is who he is and who he has been for as long as i've known him.  He's not going to grow, for himself, for me, or for anyone else.  It's easier to call himself derogatory names than it is to actually achieve something he would have to put effort into.  Make sacrifices for.  Cherish.  I believed in him and he thought I was a fool for doing so, and treated me as such.

So yes, I know we are completely done.

But the 13 years weren't a waste of time.  I'm not a failure at relationships.  I just need to learn the lessons apparently. I only hope that I can learn these lessons without completely removing myself from the world, which is, quite honestly, all i want to do right now.  I'd love to not have to feel any of this.  Or not have to remember.  That sounds more dramatic than it needs to.  When i say "remove myself" i mean with a stack of books in a cozy nook that has access to snacks.  By myself.  For a long long long time.

I returned to social media, FACEBOOK,  a week after leaving with the intention of staying away for at least a month, or more.  My fury, my hurt, my shame at being so gullible for so long fueled me to make choices based on emotions i had no control over.  I am not a victim.  I participated in my own blindness and allowed myself to see only what i could handle.  I'm more pissed off at myself than him or anyone else.  Disgusted and disappointed.  Therein lies my lesson though, and i have learned it well.

This morning I took that final step and removed him completely from my life.  The only reason we would ever need to speak now is regarding our cats.  My solace needs to be taken in the people who love me, and protect me from harm - not in allowing him to have a view into my personal life when he no longer deserves it. And lets be honest, he never wanted it in the first place.

Maybe someday i won't feel so hurt and i'll be able to think of him and not cringe in pain.  But not today.

I thought it was me but it was you

People will say breakups are different for men, that they can sleep with another woman and it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

It means something.

It means I loved you, and now I nothing you.

You weren't the one. I was wrong. I was wrong about anything I thought I saw in you.

How i feel when i'm blogging

Dark Humor Comics By Gypsie Raleigh.....If you haven't experienced her work - Do.

i'm flattered, but.......

My friends are AMAzing, and I say this with passion.  They aren't "eh" or "meh".  They are the BEST.  I like to think it's because i'm picky about who i consider a friend.  But even most of my acquaintances are pretty damn cool.  Maybe it's because i'm an introvert and choose to spend a lot of my time alone, so when i DO need to be around people- it's only the best. Or if i reach out for a conversation, even online,  it's only because I value their input and trust their judgement.  I may not actually take the advice but I do absolutely consider it. 

What's my point?  Everyone thinks their friends are the best.  Don't they?

I am extremely flattered when someone says "I have someone I'd like you to meet" - or "I know someone that would love to meet you"........I understand that they are trying to make me happy, or someone else happy...whatever the case.  I get it.  I know that they mean well because they are my friends.   Honest, i do understand and i know the person in question may not be single by the time i decide i'd like to meet him.  But i'm okay with that.

Put quite simply - I just lost a 13 year relationship with someone I still care deeply for.  I don't see myself dating, or "meeting" anyone for a long time.  I don't have any interest, and it wouldn't be fair to pretend i do.  And no, I'm not holding out hope that I'll get him back.  My focus is being re-directed to myself, and what i want now.  I don't know what that is exactly, so no, i'm not willing to meet or get involved with any new men Thank you.

When my marriage ended I was younger, and i wanted to live everything I had "missed" so that is what i set out to do in a big way.  I went out a lot.  I met a lot of nice men, some of them i'm still friends with today.  I  fell hard for one almost immediately and that ended the party and began a new life which lasted 13 years.  We wanted the same things, or more, we DIDN'T want the same things - like NO marriage, and NO more children.  Sounds crazy, but at that age meeting a man who was okay with those two "musts" was a small miracle.  And he was fun.  FUN in capital letters fun.  I so needed that.  We turned into more, i think, to both our surprise.  It lasted for as long as it did and now it's over.

Now that this relationship has changed, I realize that I have never spent time with just myself in the way that i need to.  I can't consider someone else's needs or feelings right now.  I don't want to.  I've learned to live without, and now i'd like to learn how to satisfy my own needs whatever they may be. If i start meeting people, i know i'm going to get interested in someone because THAT is what i do. I am relationship woman.  I need to be interested in ME right now and develop a relationship with mySELF,  no distractions.  No more excuses to put me off.

This does sound very self centered.  It should.  It is. 

But let me tell you- whoever you are taking this journey via my blog - When i do decide it's time to date, the guy who gets me will be one lucky son of a bitch.  Because i have a lot of love in me, and a lot of loyalty and nurturing- but right now i'm directing it at myself so i can be a whole, sane woman who wants to share her life with a whole, sane man.  

And no sane man is going to want to hook up with me right now.  That's all i'm saying.