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spewing filth and bile

Good days, bad days - they are all the same to me now.  I knew that the temporary lull of peace would not last and that any good feelings i had regarding him would expire.......i knew it, and yet i was so surprised when it happened.  Again.  And Again.

Any contact i have with him makes me feel like shit and any contact i don't have with him makes me feel so empty.  Like organs have been removed.  With no pain medication.  

This is driving me crazy.  My head keeps telling me it won't go on like this forever and i just have to wade through all the shitty feelings and then put them to rest.  But every time i think i'm done, i get hit with more information and i'm back to the beginning again.  

I have to stop this.  He has.  But he hasn't really dealt with it because he got busy banging someone else right away.  He's all good.  The thought of being with anyone else right now makes me feel nauseous but he wants me to believe he didn't talk to this person until after I moved out.  Because THAT makes a huge difference to me.  Asshole.

Maybe it's his lies that i can see right through that hurt me more than the breakup.  Because he truly thinks i'm an idiot and can't do me the common courtesy of being truthful, even now, when he has nothing to lose.  

If he only just started talking to her after i moved out, she's a real whore.  Maybe she's the one he should be treating like a fool.  oh, wait- he will.  It may take over a decade, but her time will come.  And so will anyone elses that has the poor judgement of thinking they are in a relationship with him.  
Whats worse than being ignored in a relationship?  Being ignored when you want to tell him off, need to tell him off.  But then, my needs were never a big concern for him anyways.  Like the time he drove home at over 100mph from Vermont because he wanted to stay overnight, even though he had told me we were only going for the day- and i didn't have my medication with me.  Or the only dog food that Miyagi will eat, or any clothes - So he took me home on a hell ride, risking our lives, because he didn't get to spend the night in VT.  THAT's the kind of caring any bitch should get ready for.  Because if you are needing those syringes you left in the bathroom i cleaned,  you better not depend on him.  You will die.  

And if you have have surgery, and need someone to stay with you for 24 hours DO NOT depend on him because he will leave your ass alone because you aren't any good to him incapacitated.  And if you fall and hurt yourself, don't expect him to help you up.  He'll stand above you looking at you like you are a reject.  And if you injure yourself, you better find someone else to take you to the doctors, and make sure you have food in the house, because he will leave you alone to go to work (okay fine) and THEN to go hang out with his boys.  

Also, don't expect him to take care of himself or allow you to take care of him either.  He will bitch and moan and cry and rage and DO NOTHING about it but make your life a living hell.  

I was SUCH A LOSER to have listened to his bullshit all these years.  I thought thats what you do when you love someone.  You trust them.  Even when you have doubts, you err on the side of your partner.  Well THATS all blown to shit now too.  What little trust i was able to give has now been proven to be the most stupid thing i've ever done in my life.

"I don't want to hold you back"........translates into "i have someone i'd like to fuck and she won't until you move out".  I hope this chick wraps him around her pinky and then destroys him. 

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