This weekend was better than the last. I didn't make any new startling and heartbreaking discoveries so i'm going to consider that a good thing. My favorite Christmas party was Saturday night, the one i look forward to each year. I wasn't going to go but the hostess, my friend, basically told me i was going- because i would feel bad if I didn't go and because SHE would feel bad and that of course, is what changed my mind. I've been told by 3 different people in as many days that i'm "too nice"........that shit has to change.
SO- obviously this was a party I went to with the x-bf every year. These were all originally his friends and they became my friends as well. Now it feels strange because i'm starting to feel the differences in people........i feel sides being taken due to life circumstances, and changes happening. I knew it would, i'm sure i'm changing as well. It hurts though- there is so much more to a breakup than just the two people doing the breaking up.
However, on the flip side, I've been supported and shown love by a lot more people than i expected. Like i said, these were his friends first but i've become close to them. He barely knew who my friends were, never mind get close to them. I think about that a lot lately - that he never made an effort to even get to know my closest life long friend. The only strong feelings he ever had about any of my friends was that he hated a male friend of mine, who told me i wasn't being treated well. Go figure.
BUT- that's in the past and makes little difference to my present aside from knowing yet another warning sign i completely ignored and won't again. New guy, get to know my friends. Or i'll know you aren't serious about me.
Anyways, because we both went to this party, i assumed he would also attend this year, wouldn't have expected otherwise. Originally we were still going to go together even though we are not a couple, but that got blown to shit after i visualized running his ass over in our old driveway......not a good idea. He said he wasn't going to go, that i shouldn't worry, have a good time. I asked a mutual friend of ours to go with me, more specifically, to drive my hopefully drunk self home later. I trust him, I know he wouldn't let harm come to me and i'd have a blast with him because he always cracks me up.
Great night right?
The ex shows up to the party, cause a stir, and then leaves. I just didn't want to be caught without a game face and he couldn't let me have that. I don't know what his purpose was, or if he even remembered our multiple conversations about just giving me the heads up if he was coming.....another example of him not giving one good shit about his word, or my feelings.
So i'm surprised, and then i'm sweating, and trying not to cry and play it cool - it was like being slapped hard in the face. Our friend Brenda basically talked me down as i considered if the window behind me would open so i could get out. Now, if i was going to do something like that, i would have at least walked up to him, given him a kiss on the cheek and a hug and said Merry Christmas - like anyone else. But it was obvious he felt out of place as he practically sprinted by and out the door and that made me feel bad for him which is why i'm an asshole. Always worried about him, or someone else's feelings.
Sometimes being "nice" or "caring" is a flaw. I need to learn how to take care of me first and not feel bad about it. I have a feeling that once i start doing that, my feelings may be taken more seriously by anyone who wants to keep me in their life.
I have a right to be hurt, to be angry, to feel wronged but i ALSO need to take responsibility for the fact that i take a lot more shit than any woman should. To stay with a man. I don't want to be that woman anymore and every day i see how i was.
No more conflict. Shitty behavior will get you dismissed from my concern or caring. We are all grown ups here and i'm not looking to raise anyone else. There. no more conflict.
SO- obviously this was a party I went to with the x-bf every year. These were all originally his friends and they became my friends as well. Now it feels strange because i'm starting to feel the differences in people........i feel sides being taken due to life circumstances, and changes happening. I knew it would, i'm sure i'm changing as well. It hurts though- there is so much more to a breakup than just the two people doing the breaking up.
However, on the flip side, I've been supported and shown love by a lot more people than i expected. Like i said, these were his friends first but i've become close to them. He barely knew who my friends were, never mind get close to them. I think about that a lot lately - that he never made an effort to even get to know my closest life long friend. The only strong feelings he ever had about any of my friends was that he hated a male friend of mine, who told me i wasn't being treated well. Go figure.
BUT- that's in the past and makes little difference to my present aside from knowing yet another warning sign i completely ignored and won't again. New guy, get to know my friends. Or i'll know you aren't serious about me.
Anyways, because we both went to this party, i assumed he would also attend this year, wouldn't have expected otherwise. Originally we were still going to go together even though we are not a couple, but that got blown to shit after i visualized running his ass over in our old driveway......not a good idea. He said he wasn't going to go, that i shouldn't worry, have a good time. I asked a mutual friend of ours to go with me, more specifically, to drive my hopefully drunk self home later. I trust him, I know he wouldn't let harm come to me and i'd have a blast with him because he always cracks me up.
Great night right?
The ex shows up to the party, cause a stir, and then leaves. I just didn't want to be caught without a game face and he couldn't let me have that. I don't know what his purpose was, or if he even remembered our multiple conversations about just giving me the heads up if he was coming.....another example of him not giving one good shit about his word, or my feelings.
So i'm surprised, and then i'm sweating, and trying not to cry and play it cool - it was like being slapped hard in the face. Our friend Brenda basically talked me down as i considered if the window behind me would open so i could get out. Now, if i was going to do something like that, i would have at least walked up to him, given him a kiss on the cheek and a hug and said Merry Christmas - like anyone else. But it was obvious he felt out of place as he practically sprinted by and out the door and that made me feel bad for him which is why i'm an asshole. Always worried about him, or someone else's feelings.
Sometimes being "nice" or "caring" is a flaw. I need to learn how to take care of me first and not feel bad about it. I have a feeling that once i start doing that, my feelings may be taken more seriously by anyone who wants to keep me in their life.
I have a right to be hurt, to be angry, to feel wronged but i ALSO need to take responsibility for the fact that i take a lot more shit than any woman should. To stay with a man. I don't want to be that woman anymore and every day i see how i was.
No more conflict. Shitty behavior will get you dismissed from my concern or caring. We are all grown ups here and i'm not looking to raise anyone else. There. no more conflict.
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