I found it!

 Who puts their laptop in the BACK of the huge walk in closet?  Me.  Tonight i dug it out but to get to it, i had to dig.  the mini safe was right in front of it, of course, so i started to lug it out of the way and the top opened.  "What the hell is that anyway?" i ask myself as i reach inside to pull out the bulk of copy paper.  

Its my first blog.  The one that started on AOL hometown and transferred over to Yahoo 360 and then eventually just died off.  I had printed it, probably because i didn't want it to completely disappear.  I met a lot of people through that blog.  I made real friendships.  

And i had no filter.  That hasn't changed much.  

I wanted to sit down and start reading ....and then i thought, theres gonna be hard stuff in here.  I'm already kind of "off" due to the holiday and do i realllly want to add some more weight onto my shoulders at this point?  But......now i've found it and I know I want to read it.

What if you were given the chance to talk to your almost 20 year younger self?  What if you could read day by day a new entry and respond to it?  Like a friend, a mentor, or someone who loves you.  What if you could see how much you've changed, or how much you've stayed the same?

Wouldn't that be therapeutic?  Kinda fun even?  

For a moment i considered writing a completely separate blog for this endeavor, I do have an "adult" blog under a different name which may or may not eventually be merged with this one.  But i think it's best to just jump.  Don't think too much here.  Go with it.  

My blogs have always been about releasing and venting and thinking unclear unfocused thoughts.......i ramble, i swear, i don't always use proper grammar and .....it's okay with me. I don't imagine this little project will be any different.

So here we go.  March 2004 to February 2006......What have you got for me?

Father's Day on a Connecticut Public Beach

There's been a funky vibe in the air for me the past few weeks. Nothing wrong, nothing feeling right.  Just "off".  Someone suggested i get by the water to get myself right again and it's been on my mind to do just that.  When my roomie asked me to go to the beach with her the first thing i thought was "not on a weekend, no way" and then i accepted her invitation. 

The beach to me is where i... go to sit and watch the ocean, listen to the waves ...the things i cannot do anywhere but there.  If there are people enjoying that same view, excellent.  It's a peaceful feeling to see the seemingly neverending water lap up onto the shore.  A reminder that i am very small and insignificant when it all comes down to it.  Which makes my worries even smaller.....in the grand scheme of things.

That, surprisingly, is comforting and rejuvenating.  That vastness, that repetitive beating of the waves on the shore.....even the smell. 

okay so i like the beach when i can get to it.  I think i've made my point, and you get the picture.  

Here's the thing.  Many different types of people also enjoy the beach all for their own reasons, and they too go with their own agendas on how they would like to spend their time there.

I like shade, a book and a chair.  Maybe a nap on a blanket.  

Others, like to play football or soccer or frizbee. 

Or they bring their kids to enjoy the water and make sand castles.

We all have our ways.  

So today.........

We get there early so we can pick out spot and lay claim to what will be our little island for the day. We sit, feeling accomplished, and watch the waves and listen to the ocean....the air still has a little chill on it as the sun begins to warm us.  Bliss i tell you.  just bliss.

to us.  because thats how we want to experience the day. 

People begin to pour in, and where we sat we got to see them all.  I'm a people watcher and i was loving it.  It's hot girl summer you know, so i loved seeing all the apple shapes, pear shapes, every shap you can imagine walking onto the beach in their chosen beach apparel.  I LOVE all the bikinis on bodies that never used to show them when i was younger.  HELL YEAH.   Celebrate our differences.  Appreciate our unique shapes and sizes.  It's about damn time.......but i digress.

I see a man walk by with the strangest cooler i've ever seen.....and then i realize, its a speaker.

oh shit.  

please keep walking. please keep walking.

nope.  He landed right next to a young couple sitting together on their blanket.  kinda on top of them actually.

A bunch of people with all the beach equipment follow and begin to set up camp compared to our little island.  They had it all.  Screened in shelters, you name it....and it was all set up quickly. 

Then the music comes on. 

Let me tell you....i enjoy all kinds of music.  I  knew the songs that were playing and i like them.  BUT  Bitch better have my money (my favorite Notorious) doesn't really mingle well with everyone.  

i love Cardi B.  I can tell you that there were people on that beach that were made very uncomfortable with the lyrics.

Weather or not it was because of kids, or swearing or the heavy bass.........it really doesn't matter.

They dropped their private party into the middle of a public place and forced all of us t.o attend.

Yes there was drinking (i was jealous) yes, there was smoking, yes there was a raging party on a sunny sunday afternoon with loud music and people yelling over it to talk to each other.

I'm nosy as hell.  I like it when i can hear conversations.  Especially drunk men conversations.  

HOWEVER

I can't hear the ocean, I can't hear the earphones i finally gave in and stuck into my ears....i can't hear anything but them.  And it pissed me off.

Some things, you let go because your are just trying to have a nice day.  

Someone didn't though, someone actually asked them to please turn the music down.

Guess what happened.

Lots of cussing and angry man talk with the end result being that they turned the music UP and played on song on repeat.  

I was so happy when they left at the end of the day.

Like really happy.  LIke my eardrums were over joyed happy.  And my peaceful beach experience?  I still had it.  Because it was just me and i didn't have my elderly parents with me, or my kids, or people i had to take care of.

What would happen if i showed up at the beach with a large speaker and played, Cannibal Corpses.  Or maybe Mudvayne......Korn even.  I love it.  Lots of people love it.  But its' not the time or place.  

The beauty of a public beach is the differences we all share.  we all want to spend the day by the ocean. We all know the wee ones are going to kick sand because they haven't learned yet....we know kids will run and yell and scream because ........they are kids.

But when ADULTS plant themselves into the middle of other people and infringe on their good time......thats not okay.  

Rent a hall, go to someones house, go somewhere that a bunch of very different people from all walks of life are not all hanging out together.  

It's not okay to be rude.  It's not okay to force yourself on other people.  

EVERYONE should be able to take their families to the beach and enjoy the day.  Shit, i hear a kid cry and i get swivel head along with all the other mothers....we watch out, together, regardless of who the kids belong too.  Kid okay? okay, carry on.  

This is how it should be for everyone there.  Watch out for each other.  Make room, don't invade someones space because you can.  Not cool. 

So when you go to the beach or a pubic place, BE WHO YOU ARE, but allow others to do the same.  Don't be an asshole.  

 

Maybe i'm getting it finally

 I could have been hurt and upset, defensive even angry just now when i was told that the fact that i do not live alone has taken a possible relationship off the table.

He has his feelings of the way things should be in order for him to be comfortable and happy, and that's okay.  I don't have that to offer.  I haven't ever had my living situation be the reason someone didn't want to get to know me better....i guess it come down to what i have to offer being more important than who i am.  

Maybe i should have told him living in a van down by the river would be perfectly okay with me as long as i have my family and friends in my life.  Next time i date someone, i'm going to lead with that.....

Renting with my gf has probably been the single best thing i've done for myself over the past few years.  I'm not alone,  we are there for each other while we live our own separate lives and i'm saving money while being able to purchase what i need AT THE SAME TIME.  I'm paying my bills, i can breathe..i can sleep at night.  I'm not sorry for making this decision to better take care of myself.   

How i live, is happy.  Not overdrawn, or lonely, or to impress anyone.  I know it's a healthy way to live because i don't care if "men won't like" that i don't live alone............They dont have to like it, i'm the one doing it. 

He's a nice guy that knows what he wants, and i don't have it.  I wish him well in his search for the perfect hostess.  

Me?  I'm gonna do me.  I'm not going to wonder if i pissed someone off, or offended him, or didn't respond quickly enough or correctly.  I'm not going to wonder when/if or why "he" hasn't called or texted.  

I did a thing, something other people probably do without thinking twice.  I purchased egyptian cotton sheets, a goosedown blanket and pillows, and duvet.........all in white.  White, white, white.......because i'm the only one sleeping in this bed and i don't have to worry about stinky feet or someones dirty ass marking up my sanctuary.....I will probably bring this set to the old folks home with me......and every penny i spent is worth it because it makes me ridiculously happy and i feel decandent and rich with pleasure.

I'm easy to please.  Always have been.  I used to wait for a man to come along that would make me happy.  Why wait?  I can do it myself.  If a man shows up that wants to get to know me, inside out and value the things in life that can't be bought..........i'll be ready.

Because like i told him, I want it all.  And i deserve it.  I can wait till that happens, and if it never does...i'm still happy.

It does occur to me that i have always and still do think a lot about men and relationships and what that means to me.  I always felt that without a partner, i was alone.  I was neglected by my mother, who i haven't spoken to in decades and have no idea if she is even still alive.  To be without your mothers love is .....crippling, when it comes to developing relationships with others.  I've bent over backwards and made serioulsly bad financial decisions for the wrong men, the kind of men that would allow me to, all to prove i am worthy of thier love.  

Believe it or not, other people are important in my life - more important, but to write about them (my children in case it's not clear) would be to infringe on their privacy- to share their information and life is not my right.  However, make no mistake who means the most to me, always has and always will.  My family.  

And that's all i'm going to say about that.  

Sunday sulk day

 Use your words.....great advice i either don't follow or take to new levels.

I have barely left my bedroom today, and that was to get coffee.  My bed is holding my fragile emotions today, with even my pup thinking i'm too much to deal with at the moment.  He has chosen to sleep in his crate although he checks on my whereabouts regularly, to make sure i haven't snuck out on him.

All he knows is that i'm the one that feeds, cuddles and walks (short walks) him.  I'm always happy to see him and he returns the favor, no questions asked.  When i come home from work he is there, wiggling his butt in a frenzy of happiness as i swoop him up and smother him with kisses and "what a good boy"s.  

I mean, is there really anything else needed in life?  Aside from oxygen, food and water.....probably not.

I never wonder if he thinks i'm attactive, if i said the wrong thing to him, if he is seeing other mama's......

When i don't hear from him i don't wonder if he's lost interest or if i'm on his mind at all.  I know he's home waiting for just me.  It's hard to offend him, unless he pees somewhere he knows better not too and i have to scold him.  He growls at me to let me know he does't like my tone, we agree that i'm the boss and he doesn't have to like it...and then we go back to loving each other.

When he tries to ignore me, i just swoop him up and give him a dose of mama lovins.....kisses and cuddles and cooing.  He gives me licks and i put him down, both satisfied with each others adoration enough to carry on with our day.

These expressions of love do not work with grown children or men.  

Grown children get lives that don't require your input, and grabbing them up, squeezing them and proclaiming your love for them is difficult to do when they are not around you 99% of the time.  They will allow it for a few moments when you DO actually see them, but only for a few moments.

If they see you. Or talk to you.  It seems pretty easy to get grown kids put out and upset by simply not giving opinions that aren't asked for.  

I had a mother in law from hell, and i swore i'd be nothing like her.  Guess what?  Doesn't matter.  I should have been the guilt giving, demanding, screamy type of mother - maybe then i'd see my kids, more wether they were happy about it or not.  

It's the pandemic.  So i'm told.  I can't help but feel hurt, disapointed and forgotten as everyone's lives carry on, myself included, but we don't seem to be able to connect.  I feel a certain anger hanging there, which i've tried to coax out into the open with no success.  All i can do is be here.  I will wait, keep trying to reach out and be mindful of crossing boundaries............the last thing i want to do is push so hard a door gets closed for good.

Thats my life at the moment.  I work.  I sleep way too much -  a side effect from COVID that i hope will eventually go away.  I remind myself that I actually enjoy the freedom of not answering to anyone other than myself, and that someday that will be enough. 

I've reconnected with a man I was seeing last year.......He's tall, clean cut, handsome in a Stalone way with a Nicholson presense.  IF that makes any sense.  I wasn't looking after deciding to take the summer off from dating..........and he re-appeared. We had ended abruptly before really getting started honestly.  This time,  I'm..treading lightly because i'm not looking to hand out any more tears for anyone.  

This day hiding in bed storing up on strength and thinking before acting or opening my mouth is a good idea.  I'm taking care of me.

Butt Hurt

I did it again.  Got exctied about somone i was talking to for a few days and actually believed he was sincere.  I did meet  him on POF so i don't know why i'm so surprised. He seemed smart, witty, on the same page....a little gun shy too.....I really didn't expect to get ghosted. 

The ability to read people used to be a skill i had, and it seems to have disapeared.  

The ones i like turn out to be either married or just liars, nothing what they represent themselves to be.  These same guys are the ones who complain about scammers, or being catfished.  

It's all complete bullshit.  Dating is dead.  Men just want to "meet up" and fuck.  As soon as they catch on to the fact that i'm not about that.......*POOF i get ghosted. 

Thing is they usually come sniffing around again a few days later, with some bullshit (and unwanted) excuse.  Thats when they get deleted, and blocked.  No answer.  You wasted enough of my time already and i'm not given you ONE more opportunity.  

Sex is easy to find, it's everywhere.  I could, and have, made a phone call and gone out to get what was needed.  It's not a dirty secret anymore that women can have their sexual needs met without the mess of a relationship. It's not just for you MEN anymore.....

But fucking isn't a relationship.  It's maintanence.   Not even close to what i want. 

I spent literally months going back and forth with a man who i actually felt kind of bad for.  This poor guy, worked all the time, third shift, and only relative was his mother in a different state.  He never tried to lead me into sexting, never asked me for more pictures, he was just a "normal" guy that had little time to date. So he SAID.  At one point before christmas i had said to him that there was no point continuing with the texting if we weren't going to meet each other.  So we stopped.  And then a couple of months later started back up again, i can't even remember why.  This time we are going to meet he says, and then OF COURSE his mother falls sick the weekend we are supposed to meet and blah blah...i go through the whole "Don't worry, we'll meet later, no biggie" only to find out later that the fucker is not only a liar, but an expert liar with no fucking remorse.  Sociopath.    

I'll say this.  My slueth skills are on point.  I know how to find shit out.  Even when i'm not even trying.  I always do a basic google search on someone i'm going to go out with and i don't make a secret of it.  I don't care what your finances are, i just don't take anyones word anymore that they are single or not a violent offender.  If you have a past of beating women up, i'm not signing up for the next round.  This guy had no digital footprint at all.  Until he did.  

That situation upset me not because of HIM so much but becuase I had fallen for the bullshit yet again.  And wasted my time, again.  Got excited about possibilities, again.  So am i learning here, or not? I'm not ready to give up.  I'm not desperate to find a man either.  Is it so wrong to want love?  The kind that actually feels good and isn't toxic or disfunctional?  I'd like to experience that before i die.

I love men that can't love me back.  No amount of therapy has cured me of that.  The difference is that i don't love myself less than them anymore.  I can love you from a distance and never speak a word to you again.  I do have boundaries to protect myself now.  Thats what therapy gave me.

I try not to take it personally, or let a few jerks ruin my outlook on men in general.  I'm still emotionally available, even if physically limited due to the pandemic. 

Anyway, back to doing me and not having to worry about being lied to or cheated on.  I can focus on work, and do whatever i want whenever i want without anyones approval or disapproval.  Or love.  

Happy New Year

 Welcome 2021!  So far, i've had Covid-19, and broken my upper ankle by falling down the stairs.  

It's February 18th.  I've got a long way to go before 2022 so i better correct this trend.

Living situation: Changed.  I now have a roommate and live in a cute little town with a walking trail and 2 breweries within fairly decent walking distance.  The first couple of months were a bit stressful, with all of us adjusting to me being here, and me trying to find space in my new lodging.  It feels like everything has begun to settle and become our new normal.  I feel like moving here was a good decision. 

Work:  Same as it can be in a position that changes and evolves daily.  Covid has changed our world and how we fit into it, i don't care who you are.  I had very strong anxiety going into work every day in a hospital, feeling like i was playing russian roulette and wouild eventually get shot with the Covid bullet.

Since i've had and survived the virus, i'm more relaxed and less fearful for myself, however more fearful for others.  I'm grateful to have a job in this pandemic when so many do not.  

Men:  um. Same as always as far as I would like to share.  I do date, responsibly.  I do go out and interact with potential partners.  It's not the same as it was last year, or the year before however, the goal is the same.  To find the "one" perfect guy for me.  

Some people, generally those who already have a spouse, think i shouldn't be dating.  That i should wait until this pandemic is over.  Who is to say i will survive that long?  As long as i'm responsible I have no guilt at wanting to live the life i have, albeit altered.  I'm not in a hurry, and i've been selective.  Also, i'm an adult and other peoples opinions on my romantic life doesn't affect how i live it.

i'm getting so much better at following my instincts and acknowledging red flags when they appear.  I only wish i had these skills years ago when i really needed them.  

Married men still put themselves forth as single, Single men still shop online for a new woman a day, and there are definitely predators aplenty on the dating sites.  BUT there are also normal red blooded men who are looking for the same thing I am.  It's a game of chance, and of being extremely honest in an environment where honesty is rare.

Someone i want to spend time with, and want to talk to.  Someone who challenges my thoughts, someone i respect, and feel safe with ---someone i can't wait to see.  That someone is worth waiting for.

2021 is a continuance of growth and acceptance.  It is a year for me to stop worrying about what happens next and just take it as it comes.  Nothing is carved in stone.  I'm a free agent - and that means anything can happen.

Happy New Year.  Make it a good one. xoxoxo