Revelations

I had a revelation this weekend, as I sat listening to a bard sing a raunchy song that had me laughing my ass off.....

I desire a perverted nerd

I want to laugh.  Hard.  and Smile.  Frequently.  

I want to know without a doubt that I am the one.

I want to fall asleep talking to each other

I want to know that the love i put into him will be wanted, needed, and cherished.

I want passion and calmness

excitement and comfort

I want respect and silliness

loving arms, soft eyes, BIG HUGS

head scratches

hand holding

back tickles

rubs

and more

rubs

I want a partner watching rated G movies

and X

I want to dress up and go to convention centers, faires, and shows

Concerts,

Museums,

I want someone who thinks i need no improving

but encourages growth

I want someone who will dare me to do what i'm afraid of

and slap me five when i do it

I want lots of sex

and platonic touching

Tears of joy

happiness 

Also, i want a man who doesn't hit on my friends, sneak behind my back, lie to my face and use me and my big dumb heart.  

Not asking too much.

funny how that goes

I took a look at my life last night and realized how full it is......how good it really is.

Even with the whole bullshit process of getting my mortgage (the only time it's NOT fun being a single woman) I have zero complaints about my life.  The only real stress i have is good stress.  I keep looking forward to events and plans that I seem to be making on a daily basis....my life has literally transformed, expanded.

What finally happened in October 2016 was probably the best thing to ever happen to me in the past decade.  I had given up on going any further in my life - of wanting more from myself.  The weight gain was the outside appearance of what was going on on the inside.  I was unhappy, dissatisfied, under-stimulated.  I needed more, and I needed to be booted to see it.

My ex is a father now.  It's kind of crazy, that he always wanted his freedom and no responsibilities and now he has the most locked down position in life (next to being a mother) IF you are doing it right.  Kids come first.  Life changes.  Not worse, but certainly different.  The love that fills your heart for your child cannot be compared to any other love.  It is pure and beautiful - until they start fighting you - but thats a different time of life.  I wish both parents the very best - that this experience will draw them close so their child will have two happy parents who love each other.  Because that is probably the greatest gift you can give a child.   Not the material things, but a life filled with love.

Its hard to be bitter when there is a new life in the picture.  I don't have it in me.  Babies are miracles, life created by two people.  THAT is magic.  It makes me remember when my own children were born, I can still see both their faces at birth - clear as day like it happened an hour ago. I can still feel the weight of each of their tiny bodies being placed on my chest while their father cut the cord.  Listening for their Apgar score when the nurse took them across the room - hearing their surprisingly loud crying coming from such tiny lungs.........  Yes, all the memories flooded back like yesterday.  Only 18 months apart, my children came into the world with a loud cry and tiny clenched fists flying.

They are kinda still the same........now that i'm thinking about it.

Now they are grown ups, living on their own with their own spouses.  My daughter will be married next year.  Maybe she will make me a grandmother soon, or maybe my son will.  I'm afraid for them because i know it's a different world, I know it will not be easy.  Not that raising THEM was easy either but ..........I sound like an old person.  Each generation has it's battles to fight.  But so many times i hear myself saying "i'm so glad i don't have to raise children during this time".  Yet i do still wish for a little one to spoil rotten.  I can't wait to be the grandmother that cuddles and makes forts in the living room when they come over..the kind of grandmother that makes cookies with them - but also takes them to scary movies that their parents will be pissed i allowed them to see......  See, i don't want to be one or the other, cool or cuddly, I'm gonna be both.

Okay enough thinking about babies for a while.

I totally stole this

If your ex did drugs, video-gamed, cheated, drank, smoked, spent a lot of $$ on material things or gambled.. your ex was a self-gratifier.

Now just what the darn heck is self-gratification?

It's the behavior of individuals who cannot sit with an uncomfortable feeling before they leap onto the next thing that makes them IMMEDIATELY feel good.

Uncomfortable feeling = rejection, invalidation, being unable to get what they want, taking responsibility for what they did, sadness, etc.

Self-gratifiers are on a spectrum, there's a little bit in all of us. But the worse of the lot result in pretty shitty boyfriends/husbands (or girlfriends) who really do a number on you.

They tend to jump onto things and tend to get really intense or excited about things till it all blows apart and they jump onto the next best thing that gratifies them.

And yes, that also means that they use something (or someone) till it doesn't benefit them any longer.

As in, once you confront them with the bad stuff that they did... ZIP.. they are gone... off somewhere with their friends.. back into their video gaming room... or out smoking.

The REALLY annoying thing about self-gratifiers is their pseudo confidence. Once they want something, they get it.
And that makes them very attractive to you. The chemistry. The intensity. The confidence.

What it really is - an inability to deal with emotions that make them feel bad. An inability to be REAL with themselves and look, really look, at the damage they've caused.

The worst of self-gratifiers tend to lack empathy for the victim.. they avoid it, because feeling something for the victim makes them feel bad, and they don't like to feel bad.
And I know that some of you might be looking at this and going: "OMG.. am I a self-gratifier?"

No. The fact that you're in this group proves that your key identity is not that of a self-gratifier. You might have self-gratifying tendencies, but you are, at your core, not a self-gratifier.

Understanding self-gratifiers and what this behavior truly is can help you relook at your relationship with your ex, and in a way, pity them.

Because relationships are about self-growth and being vulnerable. You cannot be jumping into things all the time if you want a long-lasting, happy and healthy relationship.

So rethink your relationship. Were you that worthless, or were you just a victim of the self-gratifier?


~Cherlyn Chong~

broken

I've come to the realization that dating can actually be fun but it is still causing me to be panic ridden.

The thing is, once you've gone a few dates with someone - they kinda want more than just a nice talk.
And that's where i run.

I think i'm broken.

Or not ready?

Why the fuck not!? I'm a 49 year old woman, not a 16 year old virgin.

It's really easy to dislike or find some unacceptable fault in a date.  Hey, don't judge, i know men do it and i just figured it would work well for me too.  But at some point you have to ask yourself why.  Why do I keep finding reasons NOT to continue seeing any of the very nice men i've met. Because there have been a few.  Okay, one or two.  There's a lot more jerks than there are nice guys i'm sorry to say.

Admitting that you enjoy someone's company makes them a friend.  That's all that is.  I don't bone my friends.  Even when i've been drinking and can use that as an excuse.  Wait i just lied.  I specifically DID bone A (as in ONE) friend, repeatedly.......over a period of months.  No regrets.  Not at all. It was mutual, it was "negotiated".......hahahaha that sounds awful, but it truly was.  No strings.  No getting attached.  Just good adult fun.

I recommend it to anyone going through a breakup.  Well, if you are like me, i recommend it.  It was safe and it was damn fun.  Not complicated.  And then, it was done.  I honestly couldn't do it again and that's not a statement about HIM at all.  He was wonderful and I'm forever grateful that i could get over that "hump" with someone I really like.  It was just what I really needed at the time.  I do believe he benefited as well........

I had always been curious about single girlfriends when they discussed their sexcapades.....I was a little jealous, and also grateful i didn't have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with sleeping with different men.  Again, no judgement, just not for me.  Maybe if i had to do it all over again and I knew then what i know now I would have dated more instead of getting so involved so young.
Anyways i remember a friend describing how she was literally picked up on an airplane.  Random hot man sits next to her, they talk, exchange numbers - he calls her that night and ......well.   It sounded like something out of a movie to me and I completely believe her.  That wasn't her first pick up.  I wished i had those balls.  And then, I was really glad I didn't.

To own your sexuality means.....what?  I happen to be straight so there's half the population off limits to me.  I won't sleep with married men, or men who are in a relationship (don't we wish ALL women were like that?) so there goes that ......They would obviously need to be attracted to me as well so there goes those guys.......oh, age.  They need to be my age or I feel a little like Mrs Robinson -

Been there.  Done that.  Gleefully taking those points and moving on now.......(I recommend trying that too, at least once, and within legalities) i don't want to worry about killing someone I'm sleeping with........so not too much older than me.

So as you see - i do have basic standards that narrow down the playing field dramatically.  Generally i can call on any one of these criteria to eliminate a potential lover.  And i do.  Quickly and effectively.

The point in this particular blog is that while i seem to be on the hunt for my mate, i appear to be reluctant to actually be intimate.  I feel broken.  And that sucks because we're all adults here and what man is going to hang around waiting for me to be fixed.  And will i ever be?

I'm told yes, that even though i feel strong and over the ex there's still a few more steps to re-claiming my life, to removing the bricks that i've neatly placed in the wall that Trump wishes he built.  It makes me furious to find that a part of me that used to be quite open and enthusiastic has been walled away.  I can't seem to reach her.  But i know she's there.

I will be patient with myself and trust that in the right hands (ehem) any trepidation I might have will be swept away.  I want my life back.  All of it.

Self vs Others

I always believed that in order to show your spouse that you love him, you put him and his needs before your own.

Now, that sounds as bad as it looks in print.

But listen, i'm not that lame - because i ALSO believed that HE was to put my needs before his own. A give and take, a compromise...you know, love.

Where did i get this notion from? Books? Movies? I certainly never saw it in action.  Ever.  There is always someone who holds the upper hand in my experience, someone who cares less, has less to lose, more to gain....yikes, that sounds jaded.  But am i wrong?  I don't think so.

The other day magical words poured out of my mouth while talking to my bestie...  "I will never again lose myself in a mans life and give up my own, or put it second.  I don't NEED a man to have a life. We are supposed to mesh our lives and still have our own at the same time."

Common sense maybe.  It's embarrassing to realize that I basically folded myself in and around the life of the man I was with at the time. I never pursued my own life outside of THEIR schedules, or their needs.  If he went out ever Tuesday, I could take a class on Tuesday nights....If he wanted me to buy the tailored, fitted jacket - even though i wanted the leather bomber, i'd buy the fucking old lady coat.  He liked it on me.  That's what mattered to me.

With all this time to myself over the past 9 months, with time to stop living in shock and disbelief and heartache...etc. etc.  I've come to see that I actually want to do quite a damn bit aside from reading, watching tv or staring at a blank wall daydreaming.  I want to do.  I do, do! I do whatever the hell i want, when and how i want - only within the confines of $$$.

I eat sushi.
I go to the beach at night.
I go for get lost rides by myself.
I don't rush home.
I go see bands by  myself if no one else can go with me.
I eat in a restaurant by myself if i want, without a book
I shave my legs and other girly things BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
I buy cute/sexy underwear FOR MYSELF and wear them depending on HOW I FEEL
I dress the way i like and don't worry what someone else thinks
I read books about empowered women - and men

I date.  I talk to men I wouldn't normally.  Drop dead gorgeous "out of my league" men,  men a lot shorter than I.......men.  Period.  I'm not trying to impress them, I'm not looking for their approval or appreciation.  I don't need them to want or like me.  I'm just being the me that I am finding - a smart ass, a laugher, smiler, flirter.....Someone who has experienced the pain of losing and has chosen to be happy.

Lessons i have learned thus far where men are concerned:  Let them figure it out.  Don't try to help fix anything in their life.  Don't accept less than what i deserve.  I know what i have to offer - strength, passion, loyalty and the ability to see the bright side in everything.  I'm not selfish, materialistic..........and i'm in no hurry to lock myself down to any one man in the immediate future.

Dating kinda IS fun once you get over the idea that everyone has to like you or you are a loser.  I'm not meant for everyone because i have finally found MYSELF and refuse to mutate to what someone else wants or expects.

Welcome to Me.  It's been a long time coming.  It's going to take a lot of practice and i fully expect the impulse to fall into old patterns....which is why i'm writing so much about it here in this blog.  Who better to kick my ass when i'm slipping, than myself?

Flash of red

It happens like this -

You are carrying on, doing your thing, working your day, communicating with people - nothing has gone wrong.  You are fine.  More than fine, you are good.  You are smiling even, and looking forward to events to take place later in the week.  And then,

You take you earrings off because damn, they are annoying you today.  They are the dangly hippie ones that you adore, but are a little heavy.  You hold them up thinking about where to put them so you don't lose them...and you think how you used to hang orphan earrings in your rear view mirror when you were younger and adorned your vehicle with bits of your self....And then,

You remember early on, but not so early that you felt you had no right, getting into his car and closing the door.  You are so occupied with him, and getting yourself situated that it takes you a minute to see it, and then another minute for it to sink in, before you feel that heat roll through your chest down to the base of your being.  The sweat begins to pop out on your skin as the flush of anger passes through you........and you are silent.  Because the car is now moving.  Because you don't want to have a fight.  Because you don't want to believe what you are seeing.

Would he really have balls that big?  To leave it there on purpose if it were anything BUT innocent?  I mean he has to realize it's there.  He's not hiding it.  So it must be innocent.  It has to be.  Because if it isn't, i am a fool.

It's red, and it's cheap - probably from Claire's - costume jewelry, something a stripper might wear.  gaudy - can't miss it.  (before statement necklaces became a thing)

He asks me whats wrong, he can feel the vibe.  And then,

I ask "what the fuck is that?" and point.  He laughs.  I'm so relieved, its something so dumb probably and i'm totally over reacting, again, without reason. (again?)  Right?  Right???

He laughs and says i worry too much.  That he gave a friend a ride and she left it there.  Stop over reacting.......

When is the last time (ever?!) that you have removed your jewelry in a mans vehicle and left it to hang in his rear view mirror?

I asked "who" and he wouldn't say......."a friend"..........and then,

I accepted this.  I knew it was bullshit, I knew it was bullshit.......I KNEW IT WAS BULLSHIT.  And then..... i let it go.

Just now, remembering this, the rage passed through me, the rage that i should have taken out on him when i had the chance. I'm shaking and I feel like breaking shit.  And then.......I let it go.

compromise and patience or stupidity?

Navigating new relationships and trusting my ability to "read" things right is a challenge.  I've come to realize that as much as i say i want a happy medium in life, i myself tend to go from one extreme to the other.  I'm all in, or all out. I never considered this to be a bad thing, but I do see now that it's limited me in so many ways.

People aren't perfect, they make mistakes or they don't always respond in the way i want them to.  This is common sense to most people who let that roll right off their back.  For so long I took it as crushing rejection, or someone not returning my feelings.  Emotionally stunted?  or just emotionally immature.  That would conveniently  excuse my previous attraction to the peter pan type of man- the boy child who will never grow up or be responsible but is so much fun and ..passionate.  Also, prone to temper tantrums, which is the flip side to the fun and spontaneous.

I've said before that my marriage and my last relationship were exact opposites and that still remains true.  One so controlling and isolating, the other so loose and not give a fuck......as long as i was available for him when he wanted me.  I participated in both, needed and believed i loved both - and i did love them.  The half a person that i was loved them both deeply during their time with me.

Being "alone" has forced me to see that I do not need a man and even more so.....i never did.  It also forces me to be responsible for my own choices, my own decisions, behavior, mistakes and accomplishments without the fallback of someone else to help shoulder the rewards or disappointments.  I think you are supposed to learn this in adolescence....but my love life never grew past teenage angst.  I rebelled against my ex husband and I swam in nothing but conflict and high intensity with my ex bf.  Always extremes.  No wonder i felt so worn down and burnt out.

Is it strange that I'm 49 and finally growing up?  Being able to be disappointed, not devastated.  Being able to feel that lift of happiness and not wonder how long it will last?  Knowing that not everyone is going to feel about me the way i feel about them.  That sometimes people will surprise me and it will be both wonderful and awful.

I know when to say i need time alone and take it- not feel like i "should" or "have to" please everyone all the time at the expense of my own peace of mind.  I know i can get in my car and go wherever i want at any time all by myself, like a big girl - and that i don't need to have company.  I also know when i shouldn't.  I no longer lie to myself about what my limits are -and i don't dislike the old fart side of myself - i honor her when she needs it.

That wild child that is still there?  She needs a partner.  She's always been loyal to one man and i don't see that changing.  Going out a lot is fun, and i'm glad i'm doing it more.  Whats changed is my ability to not waste time with someone who puts nothing into the interaction.  It feels good to stand on my own and not accept laziness from someone who supposedly is interested in me.

I read that book "he's just not into you" and it's funny as hell and in my experience, so right.  Men will go after what they want.  They will pursue.  They will not quit if it's you they want.  No need for me to show them how wonderful and worthy i am by the sacrifices i make for them...ridiculous.  Stupid.  Childish and immature.  Me, not them.

So my challenge is to ask myself, am i being approachable, or am I doing the pursuing?  Am i being patient or cold?  Am i being my authentic self, or playing a stupid game?  Questions need to be directed inward, towards myself - not outward towards a mans behavior.  Because frankly, he doesn't matter yet.  

I don't always think about men and relationships - i do actually have a life,  My life isn't confusing and frustrating - men are.  damn them.

Still waiting on the mortgage i want, getting close to just accepting the mortgage I'm already qualified for.  I feel like i'm running out of time and in the same beat, i feel like this is what patience truly is.  Work for what you want, take a breath and time and do what needs to done to get what you want.  Don't settle for less because you have to have it right this minute.

See?  I am growing up.

Life at Midlife

Life at Midlife

I am no longer waiting for a special occasion; I burn the best candles on ordinary days.

I am no longer waiting for the house to be clean; I fill it with people who understand that even dust is Sacred.

I am no longer waiting for everyone to understand me; It’s just not their task

I am no longer waiting for the perfect children; my children have their own names that burn as brightly as any star.

I am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop; It already did, and I survived.

I am no longer waiting for the time to be right; the time is always now.

I am no longer waiting for the mate who will complete me; I am grateful to be so warmly, tenderly held.

I am no longer waiting for a quiet moment; my heart can be stilled whenever it is called.

I am no longer waiting for the world to be at peace; I unclench my grasp and breathe peace in and out.

I am no longer waiting to do something great; being awake to carry my grain of sand is enough.

I am no longer waiting to be recognized; I know that I dance in a holy circle.

I am no longer waiting for Forgiveness.

I believe, I Believe.

Author: Mary Anne Perrone

mystery recording

Are you supposed to clean your cell phone out every once in a while?  Browse through and delete pictures and files that you have duplicated or don't need?  I think my phone has a ridiculous amount of memory but my cloud is "full" as my phone keeps reminding me so i am on a mission to make space.

I found a whole bunch of recordings in a buried file and being me, i can't just delete them - I must know what is on them. Each. One. Of. Them.  The majority are mostly extremely short and nothing recorded but air.  And then i came across one that is 32 minutes long, and I scan to the middle and hear a mans voice that I cannot place.  

Obviously i'm going to now listen to the whole thing.  Who is this man?  Why is his voice on my phone?  Why did i not know this?  The beginning is me obviously talking to Miyagi and getting out of my car (it talks to me on the bluetooth speaker) and then me walking.  I enter what sounds like a bar because of Led Zepplin blaring and the sounds of people.  I can hear myself texting and as the next song comes on I hear myself greet a man.  

Who the fuck IS This?  Where am I?  Have i met so many men that now i can't keep track?  My brain starts to spin.  I must know who this is.  It is UNACCEPTABLE that i don't.  yet.  So I keep listening.  I hear my voice (urgh is that really my voice???) as i tell this man why Miyagi is so well behaved.

Clue.  I'm in a public place with music and noise with a man and Miyagi.  So, Miyagi must be allowed here. Now i try to remember how many times i've met men with Miyagi in tow.....and i can't.  I can't remember EVER having Miyagi with me.  But it sounds like a getting to know you conversation.....which gives me no additional clues because all these first meet conversations are pretty much the same.

It's unfortunate when dating, but people are mostly alike.  Everyone wants to think they are different, unique in some way - and i'm sure there are differences HOWEVER that doesn't usually turn up in a getting to know you conversation.  They are all very much the same.  Like an interview.  Maybe it's me, in fact i'm sure part of it IS me- because as many men as i've gone out with - not a lot of memorable ones.  That sounds bitchy but it's the equivalent of being written off as soon as they realize it's not going to be a quick drink and a romp.  Or for some, not even the drink.  I kid you not.  

I don't know what the fuck these men are thinking.  Wait.  I do.  And i want them to think that on some level, yes, because it's a date with the purpose of possibly liking each other enough for future dates. That's MY motive anyway.  I'm not a prude, in fact i'm ....kinda starving if you know what i mean.  But I don't want that to be the main and only focus of meeting someone.  I'm not looking to satisfy an itch.  My life isn't consumed with, itching.  ehem.

Back to the recording - I finally realize when he says "Uber driver" who this is.  I am grateful to the bottom of my soul that i am able to identify this man.  But it also kinda makes me sad.  He was one of the first.  He was really nice, and good looking too - all the check boxes were filled in.  I liked him well enough to go out with him again. We weren't a match.  

While i understand the need for dating sites, and believe that if you hang in there for the long haul you will eventually find your match - I hate those damned dating websites.  People will tell you to go on the paid sites and that its better  but that hasn't been my experience.  

I went on a date with a satanist i met on eharmony.  Theres more to this story but i'm bored by it so i'm not sharing.  Let's say it wasn't his choice of worship that turned me off.

I'm trying to appreciate the journey.  After all, isn't this what i was so mad i had missed in my 20's?  Date and not be serious, just have fun fun fun......except i'm not having fun.  I'm learning more about the male species than i should have ever had to.  And i've been LUCKY because i haven't had any harm come to me - I hear those stories and thats worse than interviewing someone as a potential partner for sex or life or whatever the goal may be.

There have been nice men, married men, boring men, strange men, too young men, too old men, too familiar men, i'm not sure whats left.  Me.  Thats whats left.  Plain old Me, just doing it my way on my own and preferring it to settling for anything less than made for me.  I'm giving it that college try, making an effort because I have a strong drive to find the right one.  The nice part is that i've grown to understand that drive and not let it control me, or fool me into thinking the wrong ones are the right ones.  Let's face it, i've been out of this for so long......i need practice.  

And when i do find him, i won't be writing about him here.  I've learned that too.  Probably one of the best things in a relationship is what gets shared only between the two.  And it will stay there.  Third time is a charm as they say - 

Monday and i'm smiling?

Yes.  I am smiling, still.  Why?  Because i'm enjoying the feeling of being happy.  I'm enjoying it for as long as it lasts, and then i'm going to do it all over again.

This weekend was packed full to the gills with activity for me.  I say, for me, because i don't usually plan several things to do on each day because i like my down time.  Need my down time.  I even had to cancel plans and not accept invites.......that's always the way though, isn't it?  Weekends with nothing to do and then all of a sudden everything happens on the SAME weekend.  If that's as bad as it gets, i'm living a good life.

Saturday was spent in my old "hood" at an 8th of July picnic.  It felt really strange to pull into my childhood neighborhood and go to the house that i practically grew up in, and to see my old home just up the street.  Memories.....and yes, i did feel like I was a kid again for a minute there.  It's all changed of course, and still so much the same.  The people though, people i've known for just about my entire life, they've grown up - but some things NEVER change.  I sat on the same deck we used to run across, being teased by the same friends.    I love them all so much.  They have no idea what it means to me.  The world.  

It was like coming full circle back to me.  If that makes any sense at all.  Anyone who doesn't want to meet these people, and love them as much as i do.........isn't for me.  I'm lucky enough to have a fresh start and a new beginning, I won't make the same mistakes.  I will never leave myself behind again.  Anyone who truly loves me wouldn't want me to.

I left with a full belly and a full soul.  On to the next part of the day,  a movie date.

We met for drinks beforehand and never actually made it to the movie.  It's so nice to meet someone who tells me about himself and asks about me as well.  The conversation was non-stop, no weird uncomfortable pauses......just natural and fun.  SO much fun.  Just talking, can you imagine?  We closed the restaurant and we still weren't ready for the night to be over so we went to a bar and sat outside, on the water, on a beautiful night.  We closed that bar as well.  I think i could have talked and laughed for another couple of hours.

I think this is how dating is supposed to feel?  Not like dread in the pit of my stomach, not like feeling forced into being interesting, not like feeling I have to be polite and not ditch, or that the man on the other side of the table has absolutely no clue who i am after hours of HIM talking about himself.

All dates should be like this one was.

I started the day with my therapist - and i'm wondering if our conversation set me up to be in a good place.  We discussed my need for intensity, my being drawn to fire and eventually getting burned by it.  In the past I have jumped too deeply and too fast into relationships that were extremely intense throughout, and not in a positive way.  My ex and I together were drama from the start. It was the drama that kept us together.  As soon as I stopped fighting with him about his never being home, stopped questioning his showering every time he came home, stopped asking him to wake me when he did come home, stopped making my plans that required his presence, stopped living my life with him basically- it was over.  Any time we were together it was upset, and drama.  We stayed together as long as we fought.  When i stopped fighting, it was over.  That was our relationship.

Looking back I believe it was his need for drama, and my need to be needed that kept us together as long as were.  He would say different but that man never did anything to avoid a fight.  And i don't have to fight anymore.  With anyone.  I haven't in 8 months and i don't see it in my future.

Go slow, don't loose your head.  That's what i'm learning.  Enjoy every situation for what it is and don't project what it might become.  Don't rush.  Relax.  Savor each moment, each person.  Live.

Keep it simple

Purchasing a place to live is stressing me out.  Between the different mortgages and types of places to live........remind me why i'm doing this?

oh, because it's much cheaper to buy than it is to rent.  That's why.  And because i can basically do anything I want to my abode, kinda.  Paint, wallpaper, tile...I get to decide AND pay for it.  Yahoo.  So i'm in the process of trying to make some solid choices and i need some help.  

Buying a house is not what i want.  I don't want to mow, or shovel, or rake a roof during a snowstorm.  It's too much.  I value my free time and it seems crazy to pay more for more work.  If i had a family living with me, or even a spouse - then i'd go for a house.  However, it's just me so why do it?  

I've thought seriously about buying a mobile home.  Stop shuddering.  There are nice ones.  Really nice ones.  It's almost like buying a house only on a smaller scale with a few cubic feet of outside to worry about taking care of.  Most have a big enough area to have a patio set and maybe a lounge chair.......which is all i need.  I can park my vehicle where i can see it.  It's private-ish.  Another thing i like is that there are more windows than in a condo.  I like light.  I like not hearing anyone bang on the wall or having them hear me bang on the wall.  I like not being completely alone - which is how i might feel in a house, which i've already crossed off the possible list.  I especially like the price.  Yes, i have to rent the land but thats the same as a condo as far as i'm concerned...only cheaper.  And no common hallways or shared laundry room, urgh!  

So a mobile home is a good possibility.  Never thought i would, but it seems to make sense.  Old people do it all the time and they have more life experience than i do.  They must be on to something?  Or I can look at condo's.  There are so many different kinds, with so many different benefits and problems.  And the nice ones don't come cheap.  Minds well buy a house.  But as i've said, i'm not going to buy a house.

Condo's.  I've rented apartments and i don't see the difference aside from paying the bank instead of a landlord.  I didn't enjoy living in apartment buildings AT ALL and when i look in my general price range, that's what is coming up.  Shared lobby and hallways- shared laundry areas, and parking being a real bitch.  Not a lot of natural light and no window in the bathroom or kitchen a lot of times.  The layout is similar to a shoe-box.  Decks or porches come with the $$$$ and so does the garage or more than one assigned parking space.   Many times, no animals are allowed.  Or you have to take flights of stairs or an elevator to reach the outside with a pet that has a very small bladder.  

Okayyyy.  So a house is off, and a condo is not looking too attractive (in my price range) so it's looking like a mobile home?  For one person it seems to make sense.  Lets see if it matches up with my "have to have's".

1. Private entrance - I do not want to walk through a hallway smelling everyone's dinner or bumping into neighbors.  I just.  don't.  

2. Private Laundry area - as in, MINE - no coins, no waiting, no weirdos touching or stealing my clothes.  No having to speak to anyone while i'm forced to wait for the clothes to be done, wasting my precious time.  And i will NEVER use a laundromat again of my own free will so JUST NO shared laundry.  

3.  Windows - One sliding glass door does not count as "enough" natural light for the kitchen and living room.  Kitchens and bathrooms being the smelliest rooms in the place should obviously have windows and i've never understood why all of them don't.  It's just gross.  I want fresh air and natural light in every room.  

4. Balcony, deck or porch - I NEED to be able to stand or sit outside and feel the sun, wind, or rain.  If i don't have a private area, i won't stay outside.  I know i won't.  And then i'll feel claustrophobic.  I find happiness in hanging flowers and hummingbird feeders.  I also want to grow a few potted vegetables.  In the winter I want to see untouched snow.  It must be big enough for two chairs and a small table, if not a whole patio set.  This is just as important as having a bathroom in my opinion.

5. Must allow animals - I'm not going to live anywhere that doesn't allow animals.  

6. Parking - I don't want to have to walk a mile with grocery bags and Miyagi to get into the house.  I don't want to have to LOOK for a parking place like i'm at a mall.  I don't want my company to have to park streets away because visitor parking is always full of peoples second cars.  Basically, i want private parking.  How insane.

7. Move in condition - i can update and improve over time but i need to be able to live there while that happens.

Okay so those are the absolute must have's and here's a list of what would be super duper nice if i could have, but not a deal breaker if it doesn't-

decent cabinets in the kitchen that are good as is, or can be easily re-finished/updated

wood floors throughout

2 bedrooms, 1 and 1/2 bathroom

basement/storage

garage

large closets / walk in closet

Its overwhelming to try and think of everything.  I hope i'm not missing anything major.  Thoughts?

 

two in a day

I'm very aware that this blog is public, and trust me when i say- I sometimes delete more than i post.  Not sometimes.  Most times.

Years ago i kept journals, which were pillaged by my ex-husband so i stopped writing.  When we parted ways, i began to blog online.  This was back when blogging wasn't a business and it wasn't meant to make money.  I enjoyed it, but this also caused some upset when people identified themselves in my blogs and felt it was unflattering.

I have two thoughts on this- One is, i don't lie, or make up stories.  If you don't want to be written about in a certain way- maybe just don't give me anything to write about.  If it happened to me I get to write about my version.  There's a comment section for anyone to call bullshit at any time and it hasn't happened once.  Yes, I've had to apologize for upsetting people and i've also developed deeper relationships because of my blogging so.......i'm gonna say what i'm gonna say.  Confront me, or not.  Care, or not - that is also up to you.

My second thought is - I don't "out" anyone in my blogs.  So if you are worried that i'm going to spill your business, stop it.  I'm not interested in hurting people or causing problems.  No matter how you feel about me, if you know me at all, you know i'll tell you straight.  IF it's my business to tell.  Again, there have been many times that i've wanted to write some nasty nasty stuff that i know about people i owe nothing to.  I haven't done it.  Not my style.

Why am i here?  Because writing is cathartic for me.  Some people play music, play sports, drink, whatever- I write.  Maybe ask yourself why you are here.  Are your motives clear to you?  Is it entertainment or are you hoping to see yourself here?  Or scared you will?

I never get comments so i have no idea who reads this or what their motives are.  That alone should reassure anyone who feels threatened.  See, this isn't about you.  It's FOR me.  And if you can identify with, or gain understanding by reading these blogs- more power to you.  But in the end, i don't really care what it does or does not do for the anonymous audience that remains unknown to me.

That is all.

s'mores and firemen

Another hurdle behind me!

4th of July weekend has always been a very happy time for me - it meant rides on the bike, visiting friends and fireworks on the lake.  There's that memory feature on facebook that reminds you of years past and most of the time i can see not very happy times scattered in however, the weekend of the 4th has always been remembered as "best time ever".  That's nice to see. There were good times and they do deserve remembering fondly.

But its time for new traditions and THIS year i spent the weekend with friends at a campground.  I met a lot of really nice people, did a lot of relaxing and bullshitting - learned how to set up camp fancy style, as in, a camper.  I enjoyed it so much that i  am seriously contemplating purchasing my own small camper for vacations.  I can see myself taking off in it and being very satisfied.  Plus, it's cheaper than motel/hotels that skeeve the hell out of me.  As long as i have a place to sleep and stay out of the rain in, i'm happy.  Easy peazy.

I'd need a stash of books.  Of course.

And the espresso maker.

Other than that, easy peazy.

Had a chance to chat up a bunch of hunky firefighters but ran like my ass was on fire.....hahaha.  I seriously did.  I took one look and decided to run.  No one can say i don't learn from past mistakes.  I doubt standing around a campfire sucking down beers with hunky firefighters is a way to become good friends first.  I know me.  Okay, i know who i was and that's not me anymore.  Fire and excitement are one thing but relationships get shitty when they are gone.  I'll stay single until i meet my best friend - the one who stays and gets old with me.  The one who makes me laugh more than cry.  Better yet, the one who never makes me cry.

That may be a pipe dream and if so, oh well.  I'm learning to keep the memories that make me happy- from marriage and from the ex bf - and let the rest of it just go.  I don't need the rest of it anymore.  It's in the past.

I think it's hard for me to remember, probably because i'm self absorbed and selfish, that those men have feelings too, and that they also hurt.  Differently, but still - hurt.  I don't wish that on anyone.  I would hope that thinking of me would bring a smile, not a knife to the chest.  Enough time has passed.  I don't want to be carrying around something that isnt, never was, mine.

I used to hate it when people said i needed to be alone.  It sounded like punishment, something unpleasant and to be endured.  Now i understand.  It can be lonely.  There are moments i wish there was someone special to curl into and be comforted- someone who knows all of me.  But not enough moments to justify the drama and upset that comes from being in the wrong relationship.

I tell my kids i love them, and now i tell my friends.  If i love you- you know.  It's not something sacred to be hidden away for ONE man who will accept it, or not.  Its mine to give away, it always was.  Its okay to have love in my heart for my ex husband, who grew up with me literally - who gave me two children, who loved me the best he was able. I find myself remembering more and more good times with him as the years pass and i no longer hold actual emotion for him.  The same can be said for my ex bf.  As time goes on I will find myself remembering more, and feeling less.  Someday there may be a new man to make memories with - but i'm not waiting for him.  He will catch up when he's ready.

I'm so excited for what comes next.  It's scary and it sometimes gives me acid stomach, but I'm so ready to be on my own.  I so needed this time with my bestie and her family- so I could heal and be reminded that i am worth loving.  I don't know what i would have done without her bringing me back to reality and setting me back on the path that goes forward, not back.  I was a mess.  Devastated even.  My reality was shattered.  My children, my friends, they rallied.  Who can ask for more that that?  I am very aware of how much i am loved by them.  That's all that matters in life.

It's not necessary to hate ex's- or to feel threatened by them.  Especially at my age.  Even the mistakes were made by living life and thats more than a lot of people do.  Everyone has a past.  How they have learned from that, grown from that - is what matters.  To hate an ex is to hate a part of yourself, because no matter what you do, the past is still there.  Even when that person isn't.  I've never loved two people the same way and i'm grateful for it.  It is possible to move on and love someone else unlike you've ever loved before.

So much to look forward to!