Navigating new relationships and trusting my ability to "read" things right is a challenge. I've come to realize that as much as i say i want a happy medium in life, i myself tend to go from one extreme to the other. I'm all in, or all out. I never considered this to be a bad thing, but I do see now that it's limited me in so many ways.
People aren't perfect, they make mistakes or they don't always respond in the way i want them to. This is common sense to most people who let that roll right off their back. For so long I took it as crushing rejection, or someone not returning my feelings. Emotionally stunted? or just emotionally immature. That would conveniently excuse my previous attraction to the peter pan type of man- the boy child who will never grow up or be responsible but is so much fun and ..passionate. Also, prone to temper tantrums, which is the flip side to the fun and spontaneous.
I've said before that my marriage and my last relationship were exact opposites and that still remains true. One so controlling and isolating, the other so loose and not give a fuck......as long as i was available for him when he wanted me. I participated in both, needed and believed i loved both - and i did love them. The half a person that i was loved them both deeply during their time with me.
Being "alone" has forced me to see that I do not need a man and even more so.....i never did. It also forces me to be responsible for my own choices, my own decisions, behavior, mistakes and accomplishments without the fallback of someone else to help shoulder the rewards or disappointments. I think you are supposed to learn this in adolescence....but my love life never grew past teenage angst. I rebelled against my ex husband and I swam in nothing but conflict and high intensity with my ex bf. Always extremes. No wonder i felt so worn down and burnt out.
Is it strange that I'm 49 and finally growing up? Being able to be disappointed, not devastated. Being able to feel that lift of happiness and not wonder how long it will last? Knowing that not everyone is going to feel about me the way i feel about them. That sometimes people will surprise me and it will be both wonderful and awful.
I know when to say i need time alone and take it- not feel like i "should" or "have to" please everyone all the time at the expense of my own peace of mind. I know i can get in my car and go wherever i want at any time all by myself, like a big girl - and that i don't need to have company. I also know when i shouldn't. I no longer lie to myself about what my limits are -and i don't dislike the old fart side of myself - i honor her when she needs it.
That wild child that is still there? She needs a partner. She's always been loyal to one man and i don't see that changing. Going out a lot is fun, and i'm glad i'm doing it more. Whats changed is my ability to not waste time with someone who puts nothing into the interaction. It feels good to stand on my own and not accept laziness from someone who supposedly is interested in me.
I read that book "he's just not into you" and it's funny as hell and in my experience, so right. Men will go after what they want. They will pursue. They will not quit if it's you they want. No need for me to show them how wonderful and worthy i am by the sacrifices i make for them...ridiculous. Stupid. Childish and immature. Me, not them.
So my challenge is to ask myself, am i being approachable, or am I doing the pursuing? Am i being patient or cold? Am i being my authentic self, or playing a stupid game? Questions need to be directed inward, towards myself - not outward towards a mans behavior. Because frankly, he doesn't matter yet.
I don't always think about men and relationships - i do actually have a life, My life isn't confusing and frustrating - men are. damn them.
Still waiting on the mortgage i want, getting close to just accepting the mortgage I'm already qualified for. I feel like i'm running out of time and in the same beat, i feel like this is what patience truly is. Work for what you want, take a breath and time and do what needs to done to get what you want. Don't settle for less because you have to have it right this minute.
See? I am growing up.
People aren't perfect, they make mistakes or they don't always respond in the way i want them to. This is common sense to most people who let that roll right off their back. For so long I took it as crushing rejection, or someone not returning my feelings. Emotionally stunted? or just emotionally immature. That would conveniently excuse my previous attraction to the peter pan type of man- the boy child who will never grow up or be responsible but is so much fun and ..passionate. Also, prone to temper tantrums, which is the flip side to the fun and spontaneous.
I've said before that my marriage and my last relationship were exact opposites and that still remains true. One so controlling and isolating, the other so loose and not give a fuck......as long as i was available for him when he wanted me. I participated in both, needed and believed i loved both - and i did love them. The half a person that i was loved them both deeply during their time with me.
Being "alone" has forced me to see that I do not need a man and even more so.....i never did. It also forces me to be responsible for my own choices, my own decisions, behavior, mistakes and accomplishments without the fallback of someone else to help shoulder the rewards or disappointments. I think you are supposed to learn this in adolescence....but my love life never grew past teenage angst. I rebelled against my ex husband and I swam in nothing but conflict and high intensity with my ex bf. Always extremes. No wonder i felt so worn down and burnt out.
Is it strange that I'm 49 and finally growing up? Being able to be disappointed, not devastated. Being able to feel that lift of happiness and not wonder how long it will last? Knowing that not everyone is going to feel about me the way i feel about them. That sometimes people will surprise me and it will be both wonderful and awful.
I know when to say i need time alone and take it- not feel like i "should" or "have to" please everyone all the time at the expense of my own peace of mind. I know i can get in my car and go wherever i want at any time all by myself, like a big girl - and that i don't need to have company. I also know when i shouldn't. I no longer lie to myself about what my limits are -and i don't dislike the old fart side of myself - i honor her when she needs it.
That wild child that is still there? She needs a partner. She's always been loyal to one man and i don't see that changing. Going out a lot is fun, and i'm glad i'm doing it more. Whats changed is my ability to not waste time with someone who puts nothing into the interaction. It feels good to stand on my own and not accept laziness from someone who supposedly is interested in me.
I read that book "he's just not into you" and it's funny as hell and in my experience, so right. Men will go after what they want. They will pursue. They will not quit if it's you they want. No need for me to show them how wonderful and worthy i am by the sacrifices i make for them...ridiculous. Stupid. Childish and immature. Me, not them.
So my challenge is to ask myself, am i being approachable, or am I doing the pursuing? Am i being patient or cold? Am i being my authentic self, or playing a stupid game? Questions need to be directed inward, towards myself - not outward towards a mans behavior. Because frankly, he doesn't matter yet.
I don't always think about men and relationships - i do actually have a life, My life isn't confusing and frustrating - men are. damn them.
Still waiting on the mortgage i want, getting close to just accepting the mortgage I'm already qualified for. I feel like i'm running out of time and in the same beat, i feel like this is what patience truly is. Work for what you want, take a breath and time and do what needs to done to get what you want. Don't settle for less because you have to have it right this minute.
See? I am growing up.
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