Another hurdle behind me!
4th of July weekend has always been a very happy time for me - it meant rides on the bike, visiting friends and fireworks on the lake. There's that memory feature on facebook that reminds you of years past and most of the time i can see not very happy times scattered in however, the weekend of the 4th has always been remembered as "best time ever". That's nice to see. There were good times and they do deserve remembering fondly.
But its time for new traditions and THIS year i spent the weekend with friends at a campground. I met a lot of really nice people, did a lot of relaxing and bullshitting - learned how to set up camp fancy style, as in, a camper. I enjoyed it so much that i am seriously contemplating purchasing my own small camper for vacations. I can see myself taking off in it and being very satisfied. Plus, it's cheaper than motel/hotels that skeeve the hell out of me. As long as i have a place to sleep and stay out of the rain in, i'm happy. Easy peazy.
I'd need a stash of books. Of course.
And the espresso maker.
Other than that, easy peazy.
Had a chance to chat up a bunch of hunky firefighters but ran like my ass was on fire.....hahaha. I seriously did. I took one look and decided to run. No one can say i don't learn from past mistakes. I doubt standing around a campfire sucking down beers with hunky firefighters is a way to become good friends first. I know me. Okay, i know who i was and that's not me anymore. Fire and excitement are one thing but relationships get shitty when they are gone. I'll stay single until i meet my best friend - the one who stays and gets old with me. The one who makes me laugh more than cry. Better yet, the one who never makes me cry.
That may be a pipe dream and if so, oh well. I'm learning to keep the memories that make me happy- from marriage and from the ex bf - and let the rest of it just go. I don't need the rest of it anymore. It's in the past.
I think it's hard for me to remember, probably because i'm self absorbed and selfish, that those men have feelings too, and that they also hurt. Differently, but still - hurt. I don't wish that on anyone. I would hope that thinking of me would bring a smile, not a knife to the chest. Enough time has passed. I don't want to be carrying around something that isnt, never was, mine.
I used to hate it when people said i needed to be alone. It sounded like punishment, something unpleasant and to be endured. Now i understand. It can be lonely. There are moments i wish there was someone special to curl into and be comforted- someone who knows all of me. But not enough moments to justify the drama and upset that comes from being in the wrong relationship.
I tell my kids i love them, and now i tell my friends. If i love you- you know. It's not something sacred to be hidden away for ONE man who will accept it, or not. Its mine to give away, it always was. Its okay to have love in my heart for my ex husband, who grew up with me literally - who gave me two children, who loved me the best he was able. I find myself remembering more and more good times with him as the years pass and i no longer hold actual emotion for him. The same can be said for my ex bf. As time goes on I will find myself remembering more, and feeling less. Someday there may be a new man to make memories with - but i'm not waiting for him. He will catch up when he's ready.
I'm so excited for what comes next. It's scary and it sometimes gives me acid stomach, but I'm so ready to be on my own. I so needed this time with my bestie and her family- so I could heal and be reminded that i am worth loving. I don't know what i would have done without her bringing me back to reality and setting me back on the path that goes forward, not back. I was a mess. Devastated even. My reality was shattered. My children, my friends, they rallied. Who can ask for more that that? I am very aware of how much i am loved by them. That's all that matters in life.
It's not necessary to hate ex's- or to feel threatened by them. Especially at my age. Even the mistakes were made by living life and thats more than a lot of people do. Everyone has a past. How they have learned from that, grown from that - is what matters. To hate an ex is to hate a part of yourself, because no matter what you do, the past is still there. Even when that person isn't. I've never loved two people the same way and i'm grateful for it. It is possible to move on and love someone else unlike you've ever loved before.
So much to look forward to!
4th of July weekend has always been a very happy time for me - it meant rides on the bike, visiting friends and fireworks on the lake. There's that memory feature on facebook that reminds you of years past and most of the time i can see not very happy times scattered in however, the weekend of the 4th has always been remembered as "best time ever". That's nice to see. There were good times and they do deserve remembering fondly.
But its time for new traditions and THIS year i spent the weekend with friends at a campground. I met a lot of really nice people, did a lot of relaxing and bullshitting - learned how to set up camp fancy style, as in, a camper. I enjoyed it so much that i am seriously contemplating purchasing my own small camper for vacations. I can see myself taking off in it and being very satisfied. Plus, it's cheaper than motel/hotels that skeeve the hell out of me. As long as i have a place to sleep and stay out of the rain in, i'm happy. Easy peazy.
I'd need a stash of books. Of course.
And the espresso maker.
Other than that, easy peazy.
Had a chance to chat up a bunch of hunky firefighters but ran like my ass was on fire.....hahaha. I seriously did. I took one look and decided to run. No one can say i don't learn from past mistakes. I doubt standing around a campfire sucking down beers with hunky firefighters is a way to become good friends first. I know me. Okay, i know who i was and that's not me anymore. Fire and excitement are one thing but relationships get shitty when they are gone. I'll stay single until i meet my best friend - the one who stays and gets old with me. The one who makes me laugh more than cry. Better yet, the one who never makes me cry.
That may be a pipe dream and if so, oh well. I'm learning to keep the memories that make me happy- from marriage and from the ex bf - and let the rest of it just go. I don't need the rest of it anymore. It's in the past.
I think it's hard for me to remember, probably because i'm self absorbed and selfish, that those men have feelings too, and that they also hurt. Differently, but still - hurt. I don't wish that on anyone. I would hope that thinking of me would bring a smile, not a knife to the chest. Enough time has passed. I don't want to be carrying around something that isnt, never was, mine.
I used to hate it when people said i needed to be alone. It sounded like punishment, something unpleasant and to be endured. Now i understand. It can be lonely. There are moments i wish there was someone special to curl into and be comforted- someone who knows all of me. But not enough moments to justify the drama and upset that comes from being in the wrong relationship.
I tell my kids i love them, and now i tell my friends. If i love you- you know. It's not something sacred to be hidden away for ONE man who will accept it, or not. Its mine to give away, it always was. Its okay to have love in my heart for my ex husband, who grew up with me literally - who gave me two children, who loved me the best he was able. I find myself remembering more and more good times with him as the years pass and i no longer hold actual emotion for him. The same can be said for my ex bf. As time goes on I will find myself remembering more, and feeling less. Someday there may be a new man to make memories with - but i'm not waiting for him. He will catch up when he's ready.
I'm so excited for what comes next. It's scary and it sometimes gives me acid stomach, but I'm so ready to be on my own. I so needed this time with my bestie and her family- so I could heal and be reminded that i am worth loving. I don't know what i would have done without her bringing me back to reality and setting me back on the path that goes forward, not back. I was a mess. Devastated even. My reality was shattered. My children, my friends, they rallied. Who can ask for more that that? I am very aware of how much i am loved by them. That's all that matters in life.
It's not necessary to hate ex's- or to feel threatened by them. Especially at my age. Even the mistakes were made by living life and thats more than a lot of people do. Everyone has a past. How they have learned from that, grown from that - is what matters. To hate an ex is to hate a part of yourself, because no matter what you do, the past is still there. Even when that person isn't. I've never loved two people the same way and i'm grateful for it. It is possible to move on and love someone else unlike you've ever loved before.
So much to look forward to!
Comments
Post a Comment