weekend thoughts

 I was really mad at Mr. Cigar this weekend.  

One of the things I love about him is that he works hard and he plays hard. His business is his priority- he’s no joke. He is driven and he knows what he’s doing…it shows. And when he has down time, he shoots competitively because he really enjoys it. I’m gonna guess he’s good at that too. His dogs are his babies, literally. He will not leave them with anyone and will not go away overnight if they can’t come.

If you know me, you know I’m the same way with Miyagi. I can’t/won’t go 24 hours away from him because he won’t eat if I’m not with him.  

I know his spare time is limited, I know he has his interests that are important to him and then add to that, he has a huge property and house that needs to be maintained. And he has to eat. 

Not a lot of time for me. And it’s actually been working out really well. He’s not a douchebag hanging out in bars trying to pick up women, or spending all his free time on line trying to pick up women, or having secret relationships with women…..in other words, he’s not like any man I’ve been in a relationship with before. He’s a grown ass man.  

And he picked me.

So I keep that in mind when I start to have my anxiety and wonder why this or why that- he picked me. He talks to me every day, stays in touch with text throughout the day, tells me what his schedule is…he’s not secretive.  

HOWEVER, it’s not always easy to plan ahead with him. I know I’ll see him on the weekend and I know we will see each other at least once during the week (which is an effort for both of us). We each have our routines, and we fit each other in because we want to spend time together. I just really don’t know when that is. And he doesn’t either, because work comes first.

This weekend I tried to make plans with him and there was some miscommunication and I ended up not seeing him Friday night or Saturday night – and I wasn’t happy about not having other plans. I felt like he thought his time is more valuable than my time and that got me into a headspace of “he’s blowing me off”…….when really he just was doing what he usually does. So we had some words. I had a lot of words, okay, texts, to which he did not respond directly (and that sent me up the wall because I want answers). When we talked about it last night, while I was at his house eating dinner that he made, he told me he wasn’t feeding into that behavior. When I start writing him books, he doesn’t even read them. It’s not his job to calm me down. Or pacify me.

And I thought…….what a grown up emotionally stable man he is.

Because, he didn’t just withdraw and ignore me. He just didn’t feed into the “crazy”. He didn’t abandon me or discount me. He still was there, just refused to participate in my meltdown. And then we talked about it when we were in person.

And was I nice and calm receiving that information from him? Uh, no. But how can I argue with reason. It’s hard to be challenged by a reasonable adult. Damn it.  

I really wish I had met him sooner in life. But we didn’t, and there is probably a lot of good reasons for it. I can truly appreciate the man he is, and hopefully, (and it seems that he does) appreciate the woman I am.

And we are going slow. Still getting to know each other. I find myself wondering what it would be like to live with him. Would he drive me crazy because he IS kind of bossy….or would we be partners with each of us carrying the mutual weight of life’s responsibilities? Would our load be half as heavy then, because we are both so used to carrying it all alone?

It amazes me that I’m even thinking like this at all. And it wouldn’t be soon. But …I can see me sharing a life with him.

But I still want my own room. 

Cheap vacation

 I so cannot afford to go to florida this year, but my ass is getting on that plane and going.

This will be my 3rd year flying to Daytona to spend a glorious 10 days with my friends at their home in New Smyrna Beach, shark bite capital of the world.  This, from a girl who refused to go into ocean water for years after watching "Jaws".

And i could care less.

It's the undertow and waves that almost killed me my first year there, sharks are not my concern.  But i'm stronger and more steady on my feet this year, i'm hoping to do some actual swimming.  So you never know.....i might be a tasty treat.

Getting my real ID drivers license at the last minute became an expense i was not ready for.  Why?  Because i had back taxes, like a loser.  But i eventually managed to get it, and have it in my hot little hand, my ticket to ride.  I got Miyagi all squared away, so he has all his paperwork and is ready to sniff the florida air again with me.

Then my cell phone up and died.  So i had to buy a new one, outright.  Which sucked my bank account dry yet again and then didn't even have the courtesy to work properly.  Now i'm in the process of returng that one and getting a new one...financed, against my better judgement.  I'm trying so hard to get out of debt this year and the forces are all against me.

But i'm going.  Come hell or high water, and i'm quite sure both will be present.  The heat of hell, and shark infested waters......vacation here i come!

And i simply cannot wait.

I love this couple with all of my heart.  I found them by accident because of the pandemic and we never would have met otherwise.  They have become family.  

And this year, they invited the rest of our insane crew so it's about to get interesting.  One is bringing her 16 year old son which will make walking around half naked out of the question- and i sincerely doubt we will be going to the nudie beach this year. I did it a few times so now i know what it's about and its fine if i don't go back.  The freedom of it though, that is really something.

Not sexy AT ALL.

I just  want to hang out with my friends, eat some gummies, laugh, grill food and relax on the beach taking cat naps and talking about wierd stuff.  That sounds like heaven.

And i can't wait to get up with the sunrise, grab my cup of coffee and head out to the beach for a solo walk every morning.  There is nothing so humbling as being at the beach when it's pretty empty and realizing how very small we are in the big picture of life.  That also, is very freeing.

I'm going on a very tight budget this year.  but i'm going.  Because life needs to be lived.  And memories need to be made.  And people are what is important, not things.

It can't come quick enough. 

Pizza night

 Picked up a pizza and brought it to Mr. Cigars last night - had a relaxing evening just eating and talking.

He is a stubborn AF man, for sure.  Refuses to feed in to my anxiety, or try to soothe it in any way.

Which drives me crazy, but at the same time empowers me to handle my shit.

I'm in control of the choices i make, and if I want immediate answers and conclusive statements from him at this time.......i'm not getting it.  

So.

Relax and go for the ride, or fight it tooth and nail and destroy what could be the best thing to happen to me since my kids arrival on the planet.

This really has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my inability to handle spikes in anxiety in a manageable way.

I'm an emotional rollercoaster if i don't have immediate answers and i don't LIKE ROLLERCOASTERS.  It's a horrible out of control feeling.  Trusting the process is alien to me.

Here's what i do know:

• He doesn't desert me or ignore my anxiety; he just doesn't soothe or own it as his issue.
• He is consistent in contacting me daily, with at least one phone call and texting periodically to check in.
• He tells me his schedule, what he's up to.  I don't have to pull it out of him, or dig. 
• He talks to me about his day
• He listens to what i say to him, and makes me laugh at myself a lot of the time.  
• He has a strong ego, but hasn't shown me that he is egotistical.  He is actually quite humble, but not in a fake way.  He knows he is successful.  
• He isn't sugary sweet and insincere, but he does sprinkle in compliments that if I wasn't listening closely would probably not notice.
• I don't feel manipulated.  
• We don't agree about everything and have conversations of give and take without getting heated or disrespectful.

All these things are new to me.  How much more can i realistically expect in what is still a new relationship?  

OH and the MOST different part is our chemistry, which is off the charts, but we haven't actually consummated the relationship (wink wink)...I don't feel rushed, used, or the flip side, unattractive or unwanted.  I feel like this is how its supposed to be and is a major part of my attraction to him.  It's not a race to the finish line, it's not instant gratification.  Its a building up of feelings, an itimacy that i haven't experienced EVER.....not even with my ex husband.    

Yeah, i still have to call and make an appointment for a refresher course with a therapist.  

goals

 In order to lose weight, I need to get good sleep.  In order to get good sleep i need to have a peaceful mind.

Last night, i did not sleep.  Again.

I tossed, turned, got up, went back to bed, tossed, punched my pillow......probably fell asleep around 3:30am.

was up at 5:30am.

I need to be strict with myself, mother myself like i was never mothered.

Nothing is more important than my health because without it, i have nothing.  

So.

Let him.

Let him do his thing and withdraw, and don't worry about why or what it means. Just, Let Him.

Carry on girl, live your life, do you.  Walk, exercise, eat right, sleep well, go to work and excel, make plans with family and friends and LET HIM fit in. or not.

Something i once heard "You don't lose the perfect person for you.  If they were perfect for you they would BE WITH YOU" so stop grieving or worrying about something that was only in your head.

Like the monster in the closet.

grow up.

Men show up, and leave no doubt or confusion over a woman they want.  Give him the space to do that, or not.  Don't let him live in  your head rent free, over some occasional attention that ISN'T enough.  

And thats the key lady.  What he's offering isn't enough.  

So go ahead and return his energy for a while, see if he steps up - but don't put any value on it until it IS valuable.  A good man can still be offering low effort.  And low effort isn't enough.

So tonight, i will perhaps use some help knocking myself out so my emotions don't overtake me in the dead of the night.  Today i will keep my mind where my body is at, and i will focus on exceling at work, I will make plans to help my bestie this weekend and see if my friends are going on the boat again.  I will live my life as if i am single because no one has claimed me.

Coo Coo

 I'm taking a back seat to any emerging emotions that arise within the next few days.....

Being transparent with someone you are dating has limits and should be equal.  I know he is into me, but he hasn't jumped and it may take time, or it may not happen.  And either way, that is out of my control.

Control being a bigger issue for me than i realized.

I haven't been controlling the pace of this relationship, always chomping at the bit.  His bit.  Yesterday i had some time to sit with myself and do some thinking. It started as a spiral, i won't lie.  A continuation of the previous nights anxious thoughts and emotions.

I tried to bully him into a stance.  Nope.  He's not falling for that.  

He is in control of this relationship.  BUT I am in control of myself.  At least, i need to be.  This relationship is not the be all end all of my life.  It will happen, or it won't. I will trust myself to make the right choices.

My life goes on regardless.  I continue to learn more and do better at work.  Lots of changes happening now, and thats where my focus needs to be.......on excelling.  Work supports my life.  It takes top priority.

My health- the weight keeps coming off and as much as i hate exercising, i'm seeing the effort pay off.  I was so bad i could only go upstairs one at a time.  Now i'm doing it like normal people, although slowly.  And i don't allow myself to hold the railing most of the time.  Slow and steady.  Get stronger.  At work, i walk around the hospital at every opportunity use the stairs instead of the elevator...i'm bringing my food to work to control what i eat.  I'm drinking water.  I'm getting as much sleep as i can.

And i'm pampering my body with lotions and oils and good smells because it makes me happy.  Whether i am gong out or not.  I used to save all that stuff for "special" but not anymore.  I'm special.

My friends are getting restless with my not being around very often so that needs to be kept up.  They arent' quiet about it, like my kids are.  My friends demand and guilt trip.  When i go on vacation in July I will concentrate 100% on relaxing and enjoying myself.  I will not be obsessed with why or why not i haven't heard from Mr. Cigar.

I will not fall into that trap again.  He is part of my life, if it works out between us.  Not my every waking moment.  I've been divorced and been through a bad break up .......i don't think anything he does can hurt me more than that, so its time to relax into it and enjoy.  Fine, take the wheel.  I'll go for a ride but i'm not giving up my car. 

Can't sleep

Ever have one of those nights where you can't sleep because you are so confused and overloaded and questioning your sanity?  I did.  Last night.  This is what i got up and wrote in the dark.

 I'm having the longest anxiety attack ever.  

I thought it started when we left the party and got into my car to go home.  Now i know why men usually drive.  They are horrible passengers.  

But through the tossing and turning and NOT SLEEPING tonight, it came to me that it probably started while i was talking to my ex.

His POS baby mama is on the warpath again and this time she decided to comment in public on my social media.  To which i was stupid enough to respond.  

I can't always rise above the shit.  Why she thinks i'm the one to reach out to, ever, is beyond me.

I'm not mean ENOUGH.  

Of course, i called my ex to let him know crazy was losing it again (she's done worse to his other friends).

I engaged. With full knowledge that i shouldn't.  Because me having any contact with him is usually me standing in a shit pile afterward. 

But during that engagement i heard the words i always, obviously, knew to be true.  He left me FOR her.  And now he regrets it.  He said it outright, not coded, not covering his ass, or skirting the issue.  He told me he chose a piece of shit over 13 years with me.  Because that is just how little i meant to him. 

AFTER his life blew up he had regrets.  Because he gave up a good woman.  NOT because he gave ME up.  

Didn't phase me in the least at the time of hearing it. It was just a very simple and direct confirmation of what i already know.     But last night.......on repeat in my thoughts.  Is Mr. Cigar going to cut me loose?  Is his withdrawal a sign of being busy and tired, or is it a lack of appreciating me, or wanting me in his life?

I was actually too consumed with the fact that Mr. Cigar was actually coming with me to a party given by my bestie.  I didn't care about any  thing in the past.  I was looking toward the future.

and then i found out that Mr. Cigar is still in contact with his recent ex.  Which he doesn't think is an problem because he's not ever going back.  HOWEVER, he doesn't think i should be in contact with my ex, where there is a proven track record of 8 YEARS of never going back.  Thats a wee bit contradictory, to think i'm strange yet he's doing it with a recent ex.

Not thrilled.

He was fun at the graduation party, social and everything i knew he would be.  I was proud to be with this man.  I was comfortable, not on high alert for too much drinking or too much this or that or the other thing.  I loved being with him.

But if i'm being honest, i don't get that feeling from him.  I don't feel any affection from him. He's not a toucher- unless its during intimacy, but he doesn't melt into my touch either.  He's kind of like a stone under my hands.  Like he can take it or leave it.  Which, i've noticed in myself, i've been leaving.  

And last night, as i drove home by myself after dropping Mr. Cigar off- because he made it clear our night was over "he had shooting in the morning"......the thing he loves and makes time for in his busy life..something that i already know.....men make time for what they want to do.  And as much as i am into this man, he's not sending me the signals that he returns those feelings.  Which means I am once again the expendable woman......the one that will be walked out on when he finds the one he really wants.

This is what kept me up all night, whether its true or not.  Maybe talking to my ex set me up as a reminder, brought my trust issues forward, fucked my head up.  Or maybe i'm reading the withdrawal accurately.  Mr. Cigar went with me because he said he would, he told me he almost backed out "but couldn't do that to me"...............What the fuck?  I told him i almost called him my "boyfriend" but backed off of it  and when i glanced at him in the passenger seat he was shaking his head "no".  

I am falling for this man, but i'm not the same desperate bitch i used to be.  If he's not smart enough to lock it down with me, if he thinks he's gonna find better somewhere else, if he can't see or doesn't FEEL the same way about me...........that can't be fixed.  His loss.  I'm over the ambiguous, keep an adoring woman around because it feels good man.  

This man doesn't feel like he's in it with me.  And i've had enough experience to know he'll regret it once he loses me.  And it will be too late.

I am 58.  I want to know what it is like to be loved, to be safe and to be wanted and respected.  I don't want anything, won't accept anything, less than that.  

anxious attachment

 Last night I sent a meme to Mr. Cigar and promptly fell asleep.  I remember thinking "it's so light outside, it's too early" and that was all she wrote.

This morning when i woke up I realized i never said goodnight, and when i looked at my phone, neither had he.  He had seen the meme.  

We are a couple of losers not being able to stay up later than the sun.  That was my first thought.

My second thought was........why didn't he respond when he saw my message?

Because that is how i sabotage.  That is my anxiety at work.  Stop it.

So i texted good morning and  it took some time for him to respond. he is obviously already on a roll at work.  Here comes my anxiety.  He is pulling away, losing interest, what did i do wrong?

No he's not, no he's not, and nothing.  Relax.

He makes time for me.  I talk to him every day at some point. We see each other regularly, but not on a routine basis.  He knows me.

And i know him.  This man probably woke up at 4am and started working before he got out of bed.  He is focused on work, acquiring, expanding, more, more.......i've seen it with my own two eyes.  Lazy mornings texting with me aren't the priority at the moment.

I'm not feeling crazy yet, but this morning i felt the anxiety rising.  I almost reached out to him for reassurance and i stopped myself.  I don't need reassurance, i need to reset and put the anxiety on mute.

Its going to be like this.  He is going to be focused on work, it is who he is.  If it's an issue for me I better just jump off now.

Or i can be grateful he's an achiever.  That he wants me to do better as well, that he encourages and supports my growth.

Aggressively.

He's not a soft man in any way.....well, there are times when his eyes soften, when i catch smiles, when his voice is gentle but still gruff.  I don't think everyone gets to see that side, but i do. 

Anyway i better be the only one that sees that side. grrrrrrr.

Giving myself some pats on the back for not having a selfish breakdown that would make me a big pain in the ass instead of support.

thats growth.

dependent

 I knew my cell phone was attached to me, but i never really had a realistic idea of just how much i depend on it.

This morning i went to grab my phone to go sit on the throne.  I had a moment of "OH NO, what will i do?" and then had a good giggle.  what a crisis!  Potty time with no hexagram game!!!!

Last night I was a out of sorts, no phone, no social media (unless i get on the laptop, which i sure as hell did) no audiobook, no texting, no phone calls.....I can't read a book while i'm making dinner!  How am i going to multitask?

Mr. Cigar messages me back on Facebook (good old facebook) and i tell him "come get me" and he does!  He tells me i'm difficult.  I tell him he's a good boyfriend.  He said he didn't want me having anxiety all night without a phone.

Does he know me?  ya think?

What if my kids need me?  The only reason i spent money ON a cell phone back in the day was so they could always reach me if they needed me.  Here we are decades later and i'm still "what if they need me?"....At this point, i doubt i'm even the first person that comes to mind when they need someone.  It's more of a "maybe i should check in on mom and make sure she's not doing something stupid" situation most of the time.

I may have done some stupid things.  BUT i raised two very smart and independent capable and much more successful people than i will ever be. And they are kind.  So there's that.

I didn't even think about anything happening to me, other than boredom and being cut off from the entire world.....until my co-worker looked at me in all seriousness and said "with the state of the world today I would never be able to go without a phone.  What if something happens?"

Something sounded really ominous.  It stuck in my brain.  Enter anxiety with no distractions. 

SO the man came and he picked me up in his big old sexy work truck with THE BOYS!  I got kisses and slurps and butt wags and whines when one was getting more attention then the other.  Who was i more excited to see?  The man or the dogs?  I'm not sure.  I just felt happy climbing into the truck.  This is the stuff of life.  Small moments of happy.

The pups get brought home and we set out to find dinner.  Most restaurants, especially in the boonies are closed on Monday. So we had a nice drive and ended up in a chain restaurant a few towns over because by that time........hungry.  

One thing i've learned about Mr. Cigar....dinner out is not about us having intimate or deep conversations.  Dinner out is about him connecting with the waitress and telling crazy stories.  We always get good service.  They always get a great tip (he is generous) and i can bet that they don't forget serving our table for a long time.

He is inappropriately hysterical.  He loves shocking them, making them laugh.  I could feel some kind of way but to me, he's making their job more entertaining while we are there.  We have our time to talk about deep thoughts and the state of the world when we are alone.  When we are out.......He is outrageously social.  It took me a minute to figure it out.  

Our first date, he focused on me, we sat for hours talking.  He was social with the waitress but not as much as he is now.......now that we are a couple. I have no worries that there will ever be dinners out where we both sit looking at our phones in silence.  He does check his phone VERY often, but again, he is always at work.  I can get upset about it, make it an issue, or I can jump on board and understand.

The man gives me the attention i need.  I'm not going without.  And going out with him is an experience.

I just realized that i'm working remotely today, yet i can't sign in to work because i can't get my security codes because I HAVE NO CELL PHONE.  

Let the swearing start.

I hope that phone gets delivered this morning.  And when it does, i'm going to have to cut down my dependency on it.  

Lesson learned.

cell phone shenanigans

 A few months ago i decided i was tired of paying so much money for my cell phone service.  

I have had them all.  Verizon (horrifyingly expensive and confusing) T-mobile (I do not know how i paid them every month and still owed them money to THIS DAY) and finally, an improvement, Comcast cable.  

I went to comcast because i have them for wifi and if you have service with them you can add a phone line for $30ish a month.  And i was fine with this for a long time until I realized how damn expensive my internet is, and that it kept getting more expensive for less service and I had no other choice.  Fiber optic is still not available in my complex and if i'm going to pay a lot of money thats what i want.  One day i had a piss fit and decided i wasn't paying comcast any more money than i literally have to so i cancelled the phone line.  I don't have cable, haven't had cable in years.  

This left me with no cell phone plan.  I had done some research and found that Mint looked good for my purposes so i signed up with them, using my paid off cell phone (important) and ordered 3 months of service.  This is a prepaid plan.  3 months is the lowest amount you can get.  

I found literally no difference in how my phone worked.  I went to PA, no issues.  So i decided to sign on for a full year when i got the "your 3 months is almost up" notice. I paid $360 for a years service.  Unlimited everything.  Think about that.

This morning my cell phone, which has been paid off for a few years and i have been limping it's cracked screen and beat up body along for sheer spite.....died.  The green screen appeared and no amount of youtube videos or free IT advise from work is going to save it.  

I'm freaking out a little without my lifeline.  Frankly.

I mean.  What am i going to do tonight and tomorrow while i wait for my new cell phone to be delivered?

Heartily Laughing My Silly Ass OFF

So this year i'm paying $360 plus $600 which i paid outright for an unlocked phone.....coming to a grand total of $960 for a year.

Some people pay more than that for the damn phone.

Am i cheap?  Or am i sick to fuck of consumerism?  Either way, I will still have a phone with unlimited service that takes great pictures and gives me unlimited access to data.

So. There. 

Also, I'm broke.  BUT I have 3 cards payed off and the balance is going down on the others, slowly.  Will be quicker now that the 3 have been paid off.  I'm living lean.  VERY lean, as in by the skin of my teeth lean but i'm doing it.  I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Debt free is the goal.  

I'm going to reach it by the end of this year if it kills me. 

no panic

 How long does it take to know you are with "the one"?  I wish there was a rule book somewhere.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me.....(song reference)

Limerence? Infatuation?  How do you know the difference?

The hardest thing in life is to trust yourself, when you've led yourself down dead end paths before, and wasted time and tears on men who were never meant for you in the first place.

Do i just want to be in love?  No........because if that were the case, i've had men that were head over heals (so they said) and i felt nothing.  In the same regard, i've fallen head over heals and he felt nothing.

When i was going through last years failed romance (yes another song reference) It was so immediate and so all consuming that i didn't pay attention.  I had given myself over to a man who didn't want me, but THIS one, let me go.  Oh, how that hurt.  And i blamed myself.  I was TOO MUCH of me.  I was TOO obvious with how I felt, needed TOO MUCH from him (the basics)....it was allllll my fault.

It didn't occur to me that it was him.  That we just weren't a match.  We were and will always be, in different places.  I have been knocked down again and again through my life and every time I fight my way back to standing and i WANT to be happy.  I WANT a good life.  He had given up on his.

I suppose, even though he had all the accoutrements of a successful adult male, he was lacking the desire to live.  And that's all i've ever strived for.  I can't sit in pain and suffering.  I won't.  

He wasn't for me.  And at the time that felt yucky.  But I stood up for myself, took care of myself, and did the right thing by not doing ANYTHING just to be in his presence, to be accepted by him.  I took care of myself.

A year of dating like a loon, to going months of not dating at all, meeting wonderful (for someone else) men......saying yes to all that asked, pursuing those i found interesting, no rules.....just being who i am 100% and not feeling like everything was riding on any date.  I relaxed.  I fell into myself and just enjoyed the experiences, even when i knew not one of these men was "the one".  

I felt like i had had my loves.  That maybe it was greedy to want another, to want the forever love.

And then he fell into my lap.  Been friends with him on facebook for years and yet he sends me a message on facebook dating.  From there, it just......happened.  He made me laugh, approached me in a way that no wasn't an option.   He is very much 100% himself and that sometimes leaves me speechless.  I roll my eyes a lot.  He knows how to get under my skin. The man knows how to be my man.

We've hit some rocky moments which for me, in the past, has ended potential relationships.  Disrespect, disregard .....show me that once and i'm done.  But he hasn't done that.  He doesn't waffle, doesn't feed into a real argument, and he cuts it off before it goes too far.  He is emotionally everything i've ever needed in man.

No weakness, (except for fast food) no neediness (except for more hours in the day) no bullshit.  I feel like i can say anything to him and he hears me, even if he disagrees.  We don't agree on everything but the important things.....like loyalty, trust, hard work, committment....the bond between two people being sacred....on those things we agree.

Saturday he picked me up and we went for a ride to Rhode Island to pick up something he was having fixed.  We took our time, talked and talked......went out to lunch.....talked and talked......there is never a shortage of things to talk about with him.  And then he dropped me off at home.

Okay maybe there was some sizzle when he took me to his office.  He had to pick up his trailer for the next day.  I have to admit, i was a bit in awe that i'm dating a man who has his own successful business(s).  But, i'm also successful - in a different way.  It's just nice to be able to have respect for him and his hard work.  To see what he puts so many hours into, what he loves doing, what is a big part of who he IS........i'm impressed.

.........when is it okay to admit to myself that I love this man?  Love?  omg that makes my skin crawl. And yet.  It's a very calm, no rush, no panic, no "if this" ...just,  natural. 

He tells me i love him.......and i say "I never said that".......maybe i'll stop saying that. 

See? I can heal.

 Mr. Cigar hasn't been available for more than a few random texts over the past few days.  

The old me would be losing sleep, wondering "why" and thinking the worst.

The healed me, doesn't like it.....but it is what it is.  If he is pulling away, he has his reasons.  If he is just busy, he has his reasons.  HIS reasons.

I'm still going to work, making dinner, talking to my friends, doing my workouts and if i'm lucky getting a chance to read a bit before i fall asleep.

I do wonder.  But it's not wrecking my world.

He accepted my invitation to attend a graduation party in a few weeks.  My old self started thinking "he'll break up with me, or start a fight so he doesn't have to go"

hmmmmm.  I wonder what makes me think things like that?  Previous experiences NOT with him.

So cool your jets MB.  He said yes to the invite.  It's not a marriage proposal.

My work stress is not over.  No one gave the word to the new guy apparently and he's all hepped up about meeting with me to discuss his needs.  I'm happy to meet with him.  Thats where we will come to terms with what exactly he can expect from me.  I've had all the okays from above and as usual it's in my lap to enforce boundaries.

He does seem to be a very nice man, but they all seem like that in the beginning.  Until you say "no".  Thats where you find out what they are made of.

All this boundary business seems to be working out so far for me.  Really wish i had given it some thought earlier.

And not letting the fear of being crushed again rule my world.

most of the time. 

Am I negative?

 probably.  Its not the first time i've heard that i always jump to the worst case scenario, or assume the worst is going to happen.

Is that anxiety? or a character trait? 

It's always self focused.  I assume the best for everyone else and the worst for myself.  Was that learned? is is self defense so i don't get side swiped when something bad happens i can say "i knew it"........?

Mr. Cigar called me out last night.  Said i always go to the negative.  He's not wrong.  I catch myself but not always.

I can see how that would be annoying- but why do my friends love me so much if i'm so negative?

Definitely neurotic. 

All that stressing and my boss came back to me with a definitive answer from the above.  My job doesn't change. I do not have to become someones secretary (as much as they seem to think they are entitled to me) because he's unhappy with what he has, or because of my logistical location outside of his office. (ONE of his offices) 

Not that I don't go above and beyond to make relationships and help out as part of the big team....but I'm not going backwards to managing an executive's calendar, which is an absolute nightmare.

ANYTHING else, within reason and ability, i'm here for.  But when he said that, i thought i was literally going to puke. 

Money for my vacation?  tight, but doable.  Its getting close and i need the beach with my friends to get right.  And some color to my skin so i'm not see-through.

Mr. Cigar? Going through his own stuff which he talks to me about but takes up a lot a space in his head.  Understandable, not a problem.  He's a business owner and has real hobbys........which suits me just fine.  As long as i'm the woman in his life we are good.

I've decided to refer to him as "the man".  "my man" sounds stupid.  "my boyfriend" sounds juvenile.  "my partner" sounds like we are in business or i'm a lesbian with a really ugly girlfriend....so "the man" as in "the man in my life" works for me.

My Bill?  Not yet.  

aaaarrrrhhhh

 This business of not knowing what my actual job is going to be, or when it's going to change is driving me INSANE.

My boss is retiring, and it's been known for a while.  But now the scramble is on.  

Add that Mr. Cigar is super busy and not having much time.

Shit fuck shit.

Mental Health day

 It was a busy weekend and i went from one thing to the other, leaving a lot left undone - leaving me uncomfortable in my space This morning i woke up and thought "I can't people today" and so i texted my boss and told him i'm taking a sick day.

It's more of a anti-sick day.  I'm taking it so that i can re-center, have some time to myself and get my both my physical and mental space back to some kind of order.  Some would say that's lazy or not a good work ethic, but this is a benefit of working where i do in the job that i have and i'm using it.  It's important to take care of yourself so that you can go to work and focus.  Today, focus is out of the question.

My thoughts are all over the place, bouncing from old fears to new confidence and then somewhere in the middle.  Physically, i'm feeling really good, being active, losing weight, not starving my body or my brain.  Clothing is fitting me way different and i have a lot to fit into as i lose the weight so its good i never donated my "someday" clothes.  Someday is right around the corner at this rate.

While watching TV with Mr. Cigar he saw an attractive woman and said "that is the perfect body size for a woman.  You can do that.  You are so close to that"

I filed the comment away and it keeps popping up in my head.  Compliment? Encouragement? cheerleading?  or a backhanded compliment?  A "you could look good but you aren't looking good as you are".......Weight and size is such a touchy subject for most women, certainly THIS woman, and it's hard to distinguish between encouragement and a putdown.  

I don't think he meant it as a slam, but at the same time, i have this feeling in my gut that says "who asked you?" or "so if i'm skinnier i'll be acceptable"......a lot of negative talk, defensive talk......and i can understand completely why a man would feel like commenting in any way shape or form on a womans appearance or body could be dangerous.  

This is also the man that feeds me strawberries after some adult activity, and makes me take bites of his food after i've insisted i do not want anything... 

His actions have been meaningful to me and not unnoticed.  The comfort level i feel at his home and with his very large and potentially terrifying dogs does not go unnoticed by me.  His falling asleep next to me while watching television does not bother me.  He's tired.  He works a LOT and he plays hard.  When i got up to go, he woke up and said "stay, watch some tv....you don't need to go yet"......so he is aware of  and wants my presence. 

He is such a mixed bag of tricks that sometimes it makes me tired even trying to figure him out. So, why try.  He's just him, i'm just me and sometimes that causes sparks from small clashes.  However, he talks about it but make no mistake, it's not like talking to one of my friends.  He barely gives an inch and sometimes i need to stop and tell him, "let me finish" before he tells me why i'm seeing something the wrong way.  

Honestly i'm just so happy that he's a communicator.  I'm so over the silent and strong bullshit.  You can use your words and still be strong, as he has shown me.

And yet, i can easily be brought to tears if we get too close to certain topics.  He's just so out there, and matter of fact, and i'm in my head screaming "nonononononono" I can't let go of this fear of falling and failing.  again.

And he feels that from me.  

Not that he's asking for me to let go........he has matter of fact told me that i love him. That is such a weird space for me to be in because .......am i?  How can i be?  And who says things like that?  When he says that, I respond with "i never said that" and he always comes back with "you don't have to say it"

Words like "I love you" mean absolute shit to me, unless coming from my family or friends.  Coming from a man?  I feel a coat of ice wrap around me.  I feel manipulated, lied to, like they think i'm some kind of idiot.  Love has gotten me into nothing but pain and loss if it's attached to a man.  No. Thank. You.

Yesterday i spend the day at the shooting range getting my class in so i can get my pistol permit (AGAIN since i let it expire like an idiot).  I shot better than i have before and probably because it was a 22 and nice and light.  It made a difference.  Between Mr. Cigar, and my friends husbands, i will have ample opportunity to go to the range with some support on how to improve.  I'm looking forward to it. It's an expensive hobby, which is why i have no interest in collecting.  Strictly personal safety.

I'm feeling overwhelmed and tearful, so something is on my mind.  I just need to let it pass through me so i can get back to functioning at 100%.    Feelings are temporary.  Let them flow through without holding on to them.  

Okay. 

3 months

 Last night i was talking with Mr. Cigar on the phone, and while we were talking i drove to his house and we continued talking for the next 3.5 hours.  Real talking, busting on each other, lots of topics.....it just flowed.  Some grabby touchy but all in play, it wasn't that kind of night.

I just wanted to be with him instead of just on the phone.  And I did what i wanted to do and went over.

When i realized it was 9pm i was on fire to get out the door so we could get some sleep...but he made me wait to taste the Indian rice he had in the cooker.  It's not really rice, it's a oat/grass.....and he makes it with lentels and black beans with some sazon spice.  

I'm glad i waited.  Holy sh*t was it good.  And my mind started going a mile a minute of what else i could add to make it the main dish.

He's a really good cook.  Which is good, because i'm not.  I have some things that i make fairly well, but my experiments don't usually turn out edible.  I'm great at making salad.

This is how i thought it should be.  We hang out together and enjoy each others company without sex being the main reason we are together.  I genuinely like him- he makes me laugh, think, and sometimes he makes me angry and speechless.  

It's been 3 months.  I said i would evaluate where we were in 3 months and make a choice on things based on how it was going.  

I'm in it.

I have no desire to go without him.  Even when he pushes the envelope - which this man does to get me going.  He has paid attention.  He knows what gets under my skin.

I've never had a man pay such close attention to the details of how i operate. 

He tells me i love him....and i tell him "i never said that"

I can feel in my bones there are feelings there, just from our conversations.  

I have a boyfriend.

 A partner.  Someone i can see a future with.  

Now, let my past stay in the past and let me not have a hair pin trigger based on how i've been treated previously.  Let us bring happiness and peace of mind to each other- Let our misunderstandings be clarifications, not earth-shattering moments.  

Let this man be my reward in life for putting up with so much shit because i was so stupid and had no self esteem- because i thought no one would ever love me.  

And so it begins.

Maybe we look different

 I think i look different when i'm happy.  I seem to get a lot more attention from men.

Maybe  i walk different, smile bigger, shine a little.....

I hold on to this feeling while at the same time kicking back my demons that tell me....he's a man, he's gonna lie to you and cheat on you and leave you an emotional husk by the time he's done with you.

Isn't that a lovely thought?

I notice everything, every good night missed, every day i haven't talked to him on the phone........that is me being anxious and insecure.  I know the words, I certainly know the feeling...and now i need to really master controlling it so it doesn't disrupt my entire life.

I remind myself, routine isn't something i want.  I remind myself he is a hard working business(s) owner and this is his busy season.  I remind myself that is something i admire about him, so feeling displaced when he's working himself to sleep every night makes zero sense.

Still haven't made that appointment with the therapist.  I just saw online that Chatgpt actually can act as a therapist.  I do pay monthly for it since i use it so often so.........

Today is a good day.

OOOOOH henry 2

 I haven't been in a relationship in over 8 years.  

I've dated some men longer than others - but in all honesty (which i was with them) I don't allow myself to attach.  No thats not healthy......but in each case, i was 100% right not to attach.  It was my brain saying "noooooo this is not the one" 

I thought not being totally turned off, not wanting to throat punch someone.....made them datable.  It kept me safe from being hurt when it ended which i knew it would from day one.

And i was completely fine with that, each time feeling like i dodged a bullet.  No remorse, no regret, just back to my peace and not a second thought.

Mr. Tattoo i got attached to because the sex was amazing and i felt great around him.  When we were not together, i did not feel great because i never knew when/if we would see each other again.  I was dickmatized.  It wasn't just the sex though, because i've had good sex before him.....I thought i could fall in love with him because he checked all the boxes in my checklist.  EXCEPT he was avoidant and had so much hurt in his life that he didn't even want to get past it.  That was so complicated, and understandable, that it's hard to hold against him.  Part of me though, feels like he was a master player and knew how to pull at the heart strings of women to appeal to their nurturing side, the side that would want to heal him.  And i fell for it, hook line and sinker.  And i got crushed.

I have gone on dates after him, but no one i would have a relationship with.....no one i would get hurt by.  Before Mr. Tattoo i had dated Henry, the one and only man i went back to 3 times because.....I couldn't figure him out.  He was extremely handsome, had the voice of a DJ, impeccable manners, and we enjoyed doing some dorky stuff together.  He had a fetish that i didn't find to be over the top, although it did nothing for me but make me laugh till exhaustion....which is what turned him on.....tickle fetish.  I think i was fascinated.  But not in love.  I found it very easy to let him go each time.  I knew he wasn't a keeper.

I knew he was temporary in my bones.  Even though the last time we dated he told me he should have married me and made babies with me.....that "this time" he was going to work through with me, that we wouldn't break up again.  That i was marriage material. (Even though i had already told him there was no way i was getting married again.......because i never considered that i would want to, ever.)

He was full of shit in a pretty package. The reason i bring him up now is that once in a while i check his facebook page. Because it gives me a sick validation that i was right.  It makes me feel vindicated because he acted like i was so horrible because i broke up with him.  And then, yes, i gave him a good kick in the nugs with my parting comment because i knew it would hit home.  And he deserved it.

Not always proud of myself, but in this case.....

After me he started posting pictures of him and a hot blonde on the vacation we were supposed to take together.  I remember wondering how long that would last.  She's gorgeous, he's gorgeous....but how many brain cells between them?  That was mean.  Dont care.  But they've been together a few years now so it looks like this one is sticking.  Good for him.  It's hard out here.

Yesterday i was cleaning up my facebook, and i looked at his page where he had posted a "flashback" picture of them together.....in 2016.

Ah.  and it alllll makes sense.  And yet, men can't seem to understand why trust is an issue.  No all men are not the same.......but a LOT of them are great liars and manipulators.  I was the filler in, the side piece.......ewww.  But thats on him.  

Any inconsistency blows my mind.  Last night Mr. Cigar told me he was going to bed early and yet, he was on Instagram at 10:30pm.....Who cares.  But he hadn't responded to my text so i got irritated.....and then i thought.....this is going to stop right now.  For all i know, he was stalking my page, doing to me what i've been doing to him.  My anxious bullshit will be the end of us.  He isn't going to put up with setting me off at every turn with all my triggers.

And the thing is......even though i was annoyed it didn't bother me.  So what.  I think he's more than shown me he is loyal, is in it with me........still in the begining stages, but in it with me. 

This morning he called me just to tell me he couldn't talk because he had invoices to do before he was on the road.....and that meant the world to me.  He knows i enjoy talking to him every morning. and he didn't just text me he couldn't talk.  He called me.  He made the effort.  He showed me he knows, and he cares.

It was that simple.  

So there are oh Henrys and there are Mr. Cigars and sometimes its very difficult to know which one you are associating with.

A few posts back i said i would go out with Mr. Tattoo again, even knowing how it would end.....and today i can say, no. i would not.  Not even if Mr. Cigar doesn't work out.  Because i've had better with no sex......why would i go back?

Never say never

 What a weekend.

I'm happy.

Not looney over the top happy........just a nice calmness in my center.  A warmth.

(every time i use "....." i think about the millennials who go crazy hating it.  These are the same people that shorten their words and text all day....so take that.........   ................   ............ and calm  your asses down) 

Last night i saw a fox, a bunny, a blue heron, a deer, and a bear.  

I also saw two very large happy puppies, at Mr. Cigars house. 

Let me expain.

Saturday i went shopping with my bestie.  She has lost so much weight and she needed new work clothes.  Of course i ended up buying something too, which i've really been trying not to do.  I want to have my clothes sagging off my body before i buy anything new.  BUT, when in Rome.

Plus it kept my mind occupied, with should i or shouldn't i? and off of Mr. Cigar.  Which it didn't.  He was ever present in my mind, making me alternately angry and sad.  Because i missed him.  I missed laughing and learning........but WHATEVER MB.  Get over it.

I asked him "is your life better now?"........because the last time we had an argument, he had asked me, "Are you happier now?".....a valid question.  I wasnt.

The door opens.  We converse via text for a short time.  tentatively.  No good nights, no back to normal, just an open door.

Sunday morning he called me.  We had a very in depth conversation, not an argument.  We both expressed our feelings using adult words and listening ears (i love that lol)  and came to an agreeable understanding.  Then, he went shooting and i went grocery shopping and we carried on with our day.

I'm going to call a therapist again.  My bestie suggested this to me, not for the first time.  She's known me my entire life and she's seen all the things, knows my whole history.  I will listen to her this time, and make an appointment.

It's not about him.  It's about my absolute soul crushing fear of having my life be destroyed by becoming emotionally attached to a man.

My choices in the past have been less than ideal.  I have to be able to trust my choices, so I can relax and not be hyper-vigilant over his behavior toward me. He's never treated me poorly.  But that one comment taken like a throat punch.......he didn't mean it like that, and i took it and ran with it.  I self-sabotaged.  

And he saw me escalate (I did) and cut me off.  His reasoning was "so i didn't say something i couldn't take back" and give me time to calm down and think.  He wasn't entering into the craziness with me.  

I did feel crazy.  I got snapped but what i took as a disrespectful comment and put all the wieght of my previous relationships on it instead of just saying "That was rude I don't appreciate it"......or something to that effect.

I thought we were over, done. history.  That was me.  He just took a step back and waited.  for me.  

He doesn't take any shit, but he thinks i'm worth waiting for.

Okay.  So....he cares about me.  There is no sex, he gets nothing but my company and sparkling personality......so.  He cares. about me.

I had all day to sit on that conversation and think about it as i grocery shopped, then came home and food prepped for the week.  I made a really good soup because the day was so dreary and when he called me later in the afternoon i invited myself to his house to feed him dinner.

And he opened the door.

He had made me a salad, and had me sit and eat it while he heated up our soup and toasted the crusty bread.....And it was a very comfortable, easy, natural reunion.  Argument, done.  In the past.  Back to "normal"..........no sulking, or making me pay.  No dirty looks or petulance.  No punishment.

After dinner i cuddled up to him on the couch and we watched tv until we didn't anymore.  Is it strange how passion can be so ignited after time apart?  Even a few days.  Do we really appreciate that we've returned to each other?  Is that what does it?  Or is it another hurdle we've cleared, and we feel safer with each other?  No details.  Thats ours.  

If i ever prayed, it would be for me to trust the process, and to not throw a wrench into a situation that doesn't need it.  He isn't my exes.  He isn't Mr. Tattoo.  

Deep breaths and enjoy the ride MB.  This man may very well be my last relationship.