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Never say never

 What a weekend.

I'm happy.

Not looney over the top happy........just a nice calmness in my center.  A warmth.

(every time i use "....." i think about the millennials who go crazy hating it.  These are the same people that shorten their words and text all day....so take that.........   ................   ............ and calm  your asses down) 

Last night i saw a fox, a bunny, a blue heron, a deer, and a bear.  

I also saw two very large happy puppies, at Mr. Cigars house. 

Let me expain.

Saturday i went shopping with my bestie.  She has lost so much weight and she needed new work clothes.  Of course i ended up buying something too, which i've really been trying not to do.  I want to have my clothes sagging off my body before i buy anything new.  BUT, when in Rome.

Plus it kept my mind occupied, with should i or shouldn't i? and off of Mr. Cigar.  Which it didn't.  He was ever present in my mind, making me alternately angry and sad.  Because i missed him.  I missed laughing and learning........but WHATEVER MB.  Get over it.

I asked him "is your life better now?"........because the last time we had an argument, he had asked me, "Are you happier now?".....a valid question.  I wasnt.

The door opens.  We converse via text for a short time.  tentatively.  No good nights, no back to normal, just an open door.

Sunday morning he called me.  We had a very in depth conversation, not an argument.  We both expressed our feelings using adult words and listening ears (i love that lol)  and came to an agreeable understanding.  Then, he went shooting and i went grocery shopping and we carried on with our day.

I'm going to call a therapist again.  My bestie suggested this to me, not for the first time.  She's known me my entire life and she's seen all the things, knows my whole history.  I will listen to her this time, and make an appointment.

It's not about him.  It's about my absolute soul crushing fear of having my life be destroyed by becoming emotionally attached to a man.

My choices in the past have been less than ideal.  I have to be able to trust my choices, so I can relax and not be hyper-vigilant over his behavior toward me. He's never treated me poorly.  But that one comment taken like a throat punch.......he didn't mean it like that, and i took it and ran with it.  I self-sabotaged.  

And he saw me escalate (I did) and cut me off.  His reasoning was "so i didn't say something i couldn't take back" and give me time to calm down and think.  He wasn't entering into the craziness with me.  

I did feel crazy.  I got snapped but what i took as a disrespectful comment and put all the wieght of my previous relationships on it instead of just saying "That was rude I don't appreciate it"......or something to that effect.

I thought we were over, done. history.  That was me.  He just took a step back and waited.  for me.  

He doesn't take any shit, but he thinks i'm worth waiting for.

Okay.  So....he cares about me.  There is no sex, he gets nothing but my company and sparkling personality......so.  He cares. about me.

I had all day to sit on that conversation and think about it as i grocery shopped, then came home and food prepped for the week.  I made a really good soup because the day was so dreary and when he called me later in the afternoon i invited myself to his house to feed him dinner.

And he opened the door.

He had made me a salad, and had me sit and eat it while he heated up our soup and toasted the crusty bread.....And it was a very comfortable, easy, natural reunion.  Argument, done.  In the past.  Back to "normal"..........no sulking, or making me pay.  No dirty looks or petulance.  No punishment.

After dinner i cuddled up to him on the couch and we watched tv until we didn't anymore.  Is it strange how passion can be so ignited after time apart?  Even a few days.  Do we really appreciate that we've returned to each other?  Is that what does it?  Or is it another hurdle we've cleared, and we feel safer with each other?  No details.  Thats ours.  

If i ever prayed, it would be for me to trust the process, and to not throw a wrench into a situation that doesn't need it.  He isn't my exes.  He isn't Mr. Tattoo.  

Deep breaths and enjoy the ride MB.  This man may very well be my last relationship.  


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