weekend thoughts

 I was really mad at Mr. Cigar this weekend.  

One of the things I love about him is that he works hard and he plays hard. His business is his priority- he’s no joke. He is driven and he knows what he’s doing…it shows. And when he has down time, he shoots competitively because he really enjoys it. I’m gonna guess he’s good at that too. His dogs are his babies, literally. He will not leave them with anyone and will not go away overnight if they can’t come.

If you know me, you know I’m the same way with Miyagi. I can’t/won’t go 24 hours away from him because he won’t eat if I’m not with him.  

I know his spare time is limited, I know he has his interests that are important to him and then add to that, he has a huge property and house that needs to be maintained. And he has to eat. 

Not a lot of time for me. And it’s actually been working out really well. He’s not a douchebag hanging out in bars trying to pick up women, or spending all his free time on line trying to pick up women, or having secret relationships with women…..in other words, he’s not like any man I’ve been in a relationship with before. He’s a grown ass man.  

And he picked me.

So I keep that in mind when I start to have my anxiety and wonder why this or why that- he picked me. He talks to me every day, stays in touch with text throughout the day, tells me what his schedule is…he’s not secretive.  

HOWEVER, it’s not always easy to plan ahead with him. I know I’ll see him on the weekend and I know we will see each other at least once during the week (which is an effort for both of us). We each have our routines, and we fit each other in because we want to spend time together. I just really don’t know when that is. And he doesn’t either, because work comes first.

This weekend I tried to make plans with him and there was some miscommunication and I ended up not seeing him Friday night or Saturday night – and I wasn’t happy about not having other plans. I felt like he thought his time is more valuable than my time and that got me into a headspace of “he’s blowing me off”…….when really he just was doing what he usually does. So we had some words. I had a lot of words, okay, texts, to which he did not respond directly (and that sent me up the wall because I want answers). When we talked about it last night, while I was at his house eating dinner that he made, he told me he wasn’t feeding into that behavior. When I start writing him books, he doesn’t even read them. It’s not his job to calm me down. Or pacify me.

And I thought…….what a grown up emotionally stable man he is.

Because, he didn’t just withdraw and ignore me. He just didn’t feed into the “crazy”. He didn’t abandon me or discount me. He still was there, just refused to participate in my meltdown. And then we talked about it when we were in person.

And was I nice and calm receiving that information from him? Uh, no. But how can I argue with reason. It’s hard to be challenged by a reasonable adult. Damn it.  

I really wish I had met him sooner in life. But we didn’t, and there is probably a lot of good reasons for it. I can truly appreciate the man he is, and hopefully, (and it seems that he does) appreciate the woman I am.

And we are going slow. Still getting to know each other. I find myself wondering what it would be like to live with him. Would he drive me crazy because he IS kind of bossy….or would we be partners with each of us carrying the mutual weight of life’s responsibilities? Would our load be half as heavy then, because we are both so used to carrying it all alone?

It amazes me that I’m even thinking like this at all. And it wouldn’t be soon. But …I can see me sharing a life with him.

But I still want my own room.