no panic

 How long does it take to know you are with "the one"?  I wish there was a rule book somewhere.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me.....(song reference)

Limerence? Infatuation?  How do you know the difference?

The hardest thing in life is to trust yourself, when you've led yourself down dead end paths before, and wasted time and tears on men who were never meant for you in the first place.

Do i just want to be in love?  No........because if that were the case, i've had men that were head over heals (so they said) and i felt nothing.  In the same regard, i've fallen head over heals and he felt nothing.

When i was going through last years failed romance (yes another song reference) It was so immediate and so all consuming that i didn't pay attention.  I had given myself over to a man who didn't want me, but THIS one, let me go.  Oh, how that hurt.  And i blamed myself.  I was TOO MUCH of me.  I was TOO obvious with how I felt, needed TOO MUCH from him (the basics)....it was allllll my fault.

It didn't occur to me that it was him.  That we just weren't a match.  We were and will always be, in different places.  I have been knocked down again and again through my life and every time I fight my way back to standing and i WANT to be happy.  I WANT a good life.  He had given up on his.

I suppose, even though he had all the accoutrements of a successful adult male, he was lacking the desire to live.  And that's all i've ever strived for.  I can't sit in pain and suffering.  I won't.  

He wasn't for me.  And at the time that felt yucky.  But I stood up for myself, took care of myself, and did the right thing by not doing ANYTHING just to be in his presence, to be accepted by him.  I took care of myself.

A year of dating like a loon, to going months of not dating at all, meeting wonderful (for someone else) men......saying yes to all that asked, pursuing those i found interesting, no rules.....just being who i am 100% and not feeling like everything was riding on any date.  I relaxed.  I fell into myself and just enjoyed the experiences, even when i knew not one of these men was "the one".  

I felt like i had had my loves.  That maybe it was greedy to want another, to want the forever love.

And then he fell into my lap.  Been friends with him on facebook for years and yet he sends me a message on facebook dating.  From there, it just......happened.  He made me laugh, approached me in a way that no wasn't an option.   He is very much 100% himself and that sometimes leaves me speechless.  I roll my eyes a lot.  He knows how to get under my skin. The man knows how to be my man.

We've hit some rocky moments which for me, in the past, has ended potential relationships.  Disrespect, disregard .....show me that once and i'm done.  But he hasn't done that.  He doesn't waffle, doesn't feed into a real argument, and he cuts it off before it goes too far.  He is emotionally everything i've ever needed in man.

No weakness, (except for fast food) no neediness (except for more hours in the day) no bullshit.  I feel like i can say anything to him and he hears me, even if he disagrees.  We don't agree on everything but the important things.....like loyalty, trust, hard work, committment....the bond between two people being sacred....on those things we agree.

Saturday he picked me up and we went for a ride to Rhode Island to pick up something he was having fixed.  We took our time, talked and talked......went out to lunch.....talked and talked......there is never a shortage of things to talk about with him.  And then he dropped me off at home.

Okay maybe there was some sizzle when he took me to his office.  He had to pick up his trailer for the next day.  I have to admit, i was a bit in awe that i'm dating a man who has his own successful business(s).  But, i'm also successful - in a different way.  It's just nice to be able to have respect for him and his hard work.  To see what he puts so many hours into, what he loves doing, what is a big part of who he IS........i'm impressed.

.........when is it okay to admit to myself that I love this man?  Love?  omg that makes my skin crawl. And yet.  It's a very calm, no rush, no panic, no "if this" ...just,  natural. 

He tells me i love him.......and i say "I never said that".......maybe i'll stop saying that.