It was a busy weekend and i went from one thing to the other, leaving a lot left undone - leaving me uncomfortable in my space This morning i woke up and thought "I can't people today" and so i texted my boss and told him i'm taking a sick day.
It's more of a anti-sick day. I'm taking it so that i can re-center, have some time to myself and get my both my physical and mental space back to some kind of order. Some would say that's lazy or not a good work ethic, but this is a benefit of working where i do in the job that i have and i'm using it. It's important to take care of yourself so that you can go to work and focus. Today, focus is out of the question.
My thoughts are all over the place, bouncing from old fears to new confidence and then somewhere in the middle. Physically, i'm feeling really good, being active, losing weight, not starving my body or my brain. Clothing is fitting me way different and i have a lot to fit into as i lose the weight so its good i never donated my "someday" clothes. Someday is right around the corner at this rate.
While watching TV with Mr. Cigar he saw an attractive woman and said "that is the perfect body size for a woman. You can do that. You are so close to that"
I filed the comment away and it keeps popping up in my head. Compliment? Encouragement? cheerleading? or a backhanded compliment? A "you could look good but you aren't looking good as you are".......Weight and size is such a touchy subject for most women, certainly THIS woman, and it's hard to distinguish between encouragement and a putdown.
I don't think he meant it as a slam, but at the same time, i have this feeling in my gut that says "who asked you?" or "so if i'm skinnier i'll be acceptable"......a lot of negative talk, defensive talk......and i can understand completely why a man would feel like commenting in any way shape or form on a womans appearance or body could be dangerous.
This is also the man that feeds me strawberries after some adult activity, and makes me take bites of his food after i've insisted i do not want anything...
His actions have been meaningful to me and not unnoticed. The comfort level i feel at his home and with his very large and potentially terrifying dogs does not go unnoticed by me. His falling asleep next to me while watching television does not bother me. He's tired. He works a LOT and he plays hard. When i got up to go, he woke up and said "stay, watch some tv....you don't need to go yet"......so he is aware of and wants my presence.
He is such a mixed bag of tricks that sometimes it makes me tired even trying to figure him out. So, why try. He's just him, i'm just me and sometimes that causes sparks from small clashes. However, he talks about it but make no mistake, it's not like talking to one of my friends. He barely gives an inch and sometimes i need to stop and tell him, "let me finish" before he tells me why i'm seeing something the wrong way.
Honestly i'm just so happy that he's a communicator. I'm so over the silent and strong bullshit. You can use your words and still be strong, as he has shown me.
And yet, i can easily be brought to tears if we get too close to certain topics. He's just so out there, and matter of fact, and i'm in my head screaming "nonononononono" I can't let go of this fear of falling and failing. again.
And he feels that from me.
Not that he's asking for me to let go........he has matter of fact told me that i love him. That is such a weird space for me to be in because .......am i? How can i be? And who says things like that? When he says that, I respond with "i never said that" and he always comes back with "you don't have to say it"
Words like "I love you" mean absolute shit to me, unless coming from my family or friends. Coming from a man? I feel a coat of ice wrap around me. I feel manipulated, lied to, like they think i'm some kind of idiot. Love has gotten me into nothing but pain and loss if it's attached to a man. No. Thank. You.
Yesterday i spend the day at the shooting range getting my class in so i can get my pistol permit (AGAIN since i let it expire like an idiot). I shot better than i have before and probably because it was a 22 and nice and light. It made a difference. Between Mr. Cigar, and my friends husbands, i will have ample opportunity to go to the range with some support on how to improve. I'm looking forward to it. It's an expensive hobby, which is why i have no interest in collecting. Strictly personal safety.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and tearful, so something is on my mind. I just need to let it pass through me so i can get back to functioning at 100%. Feelings are temporary. Let them flow through without holding on to them.
Okay.
Comments
Post a Comment