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Pizza night

 Picked up a pizza and brought it to Mr. Cigars last night - had a relaxing evening just eating and talking.

He is a stubborn AF man, for sure.  Refuses to feed in to my anxiety, or try to soothe it in any way.

Which drives me crazy, but at the same time empowers me to handle my shit.

I'm in control of the choices i make, and if I want immediate answers and conclusive statements from him at this time.......i'm not getting it.  

So.

Relax and go for the ride, or fight it tooth and nail and destroy what could be the best thing to happen to me since my kids arrival on the planet.

This really has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my inability to handle spikes in anxiety in a manageable way.

I'm an emotional rollercoaster if i don't have immediate answers and i don't LIKE ROLLERCOASTERS.  It's a horrible out of control feeling.  Trusting the process is alien to me.

Here's what i do know:

  • He doesn't desert me or ignore my anxiety; he just doesn't soothe or own it as his issue.
  • He is consistent in contacting me daily, with at least one phone call and texting periodically to check in.
  • He tells me his schedule, what he's up to.  I don't have to pull it out of him, or dig. 
  • He talks to me about his day
  • He listens to what i say to him, and makes me laugh at myself a lot of the time.  
  • He has a strong ego, but hasn't shown me that he is egotistical.  He is actually quite humble, but not in a fake way.  He knows he is successful.  
  • He isn't sugary sweet and insincere, but he does sprinkle in compliments that if I wasn't listening closely would probably not notice.
  • I don't feel manipulated.  
  • We don't agree about everything and have conversations of give and take without getting heated or disrespectful.

All these things are new to me.  How much more can i realistically expect in what is still a new relationship?  

OH and the MOST different part is our chemistry, which is off the charts, but we haven't actually consummated the relationship (wink wink)...I don't feel rushed, used, or the flip side, unattractive or unwanted.  I feel like this is how its supposed to be and is a major part of my attraction to him.  It's not a race to the finish line, it's not instant gratification.  Its a building up of feelings, an itimacy that i haven't experienced EVER.....not even with my ex husband.    

Yeah, i still have to call and make an appointment for a refresher course with a therapist.  

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