crazy town

Fridays i work from home.  It's usually mostly travel authorizations and cleaning up the smaller things that i haven't been able to get to in the office.

If its not on fire, i save it for Fridays.  That creates space for working on higher priority items without feeling like everything is getting out of control.

Yesterday afternoon, i got a call from a friend of mine.  He is in a well known 1% mc.  We met years ago on a dating app and went out on a date. As a rule, i don't date men that are affiliated.  While i understand the lifestyle, it's not for me.  So we hooked up, and called it a day.

I said it.  There was a time after my breakup that i went buck wild and i'm not going to apologize for something that literally set me free.

Those times are over and have been for a long time.  It was a short period in my life that was needed and now it's not.

Anyways, we stay in occasional touch.  We know some of the same people and we like each other.  He will try once in a while to hook up and i will say "what, we can't be friends that don't fuck?" and he will say "of course we can" and we move on. 

So he calls me yesterday, and asks me what hospital to go to....and after a short conversation, he gets a ride to where i work.  I get my outside clothes on and meet him in the emergency room, which is packed to the gills at 5pm on a friday.  

Why.

Because he's been good to me, because he was in pain and (don't tell anyone, scared) and I had the ability to get there and sit with him.  I thought my presence might help both him AND the staff.  (Remember, 1%er in pain)  So we sat, and sat, and eventually he was taken into the back which literally had patients everywhere.  I stayed with him until his girl could get there (about 4 hours) and then i left.  

We aren't close.  But i could do something to make it better.  And i did.  It's that simple.  Sometimes unexpected opportunities arise and we can accept the mission or we can ignore it.  I strongly felt that i needed to be there.  So i was.

I am emotionally exhausted.  Its is hard to not repeat old patterns of reaching out to have a discussion with someone who has proven they don't value you.  To try and prove to him, look at me, don't you care?  No.  And nothing coming from me is going to make him care.  At least not in a way i'm interested in.  So that, is a constant battle going on in my mind.  Coaching myself.  Let him go.  

When i got home last night i ate for the first time that day, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.  I woke up and moved to the bedroom around midnight and looked at my phone to see if my friend had been discharged yet.  

Mr. Cigar was in emoji mode.  Sent me the "eyes".   i almost responded, and rightfully decided it was not a good idea to do anything when i was half asleep and went back to sleep.

I woke up this morning and there's a "like" from my ex's baby mama on my facebook.  

I can admit here, that i have been purposely posting publicly for the past couple of days for several obvious reasons.

I did not expect that she was looking at my page.  I mean, why?  Darryl and I have very little contact anymore and the contact we did had was more about me needing to beat him up over my unfinished issues.  Which he tolerated for a bit and then did his disappearing act again.  I'm not sure why she is even remotely interested in me.  We aren't the same.

I would never want a man that belonged to another woman.  I don't care how attached i was, or what bullshit he fed me.  I told her, she knew, and she carried on.  Even in my literal devastation, i tried to let another woman know.  My job is done.

Does this make me some kind of saint? No, i told her because i wanted him to lose also.  I wanted her to do to him, what he had done to me.  Hurt him.  Thats the truth of it......partially.  I'm human.

Instead, they had a child together and dragged her into a toxic environment that even though it's ended, will carry on for the rest of their lives.  Congratulations.  They are part of the majority.

So it's been a strange last 24 hours.  

Oh, this morning, i did send a message back to Mr. Cigar.  I told him he knew how to contact me if he was ready for a conversation, but i wasn't interested in pretending nothing had happened.  He saw the message.  has not, probably will not, respond.

I'm so over the games and the bullshit that comes along with men.  Yes, i really do like Mr. Cigar.  I actually envisioned a future with him.  He encouraged me, actually talked to me about his day and what was going on in his life,  about business, our past, heartbreak, life in general.  He made me laugh my ass off and I felt good around him.

Unless he was drinking.  Then..........different man.  And i can't do that, won't do that.  My father was an alcoholic, my ex husband had drug and alcohol abuse issues.........and i'm not repeating that again.  Even Darryl who as a rule didn't drink, would turn into a completely different person when he did.  

As my granddaughter says "NO THANK YOU".

Can we be salvaged?  Me and Mr. Cigar?  No idea.  Am i open to it?  No idea.  People aren't perfect, shit happens, but basic respect and caring shouldn't be a surprise.  I'll never say never again.  I mean, i thought i'd be still married in a house with a white picket fence planning my retirement with my high school sweetheart at this point in my life.  What the fuck do i know?

Back to normal

 I needed a good nights sleep and an attitude re-adjustment.

Yes, i invested in this short term relationship, but not everything.  I held back.  Doing all this dating has actually taught me a few things. 

I think most women my age dated in their early 20's and learned these lessons early.  I'm not sure who had it better, me or them.

My recoup time from hurt feelings has shortened.  The reason, i believe, is because i did not sleep with this man.  I did not give myself fully or with abandon. Too bad for him, really.

So i've proven to myself that whatever the magic is that happens in my brain, is very much associated with love making.

Noted.

Last night i crashed out, fell asleep with all my clothes and lights on.  And i slept deep.  This morning i woke up and my first thought was "i guess he really hated my gift" and i started laughing out loud.

I will take that as a good sign.

I did think of him while i was away for the weekend, and i picked up the obligatory t-shirt (I heart Intercourse, PA) and some butchers salt from an Amish butcher, knowing he loves to cook.

Not a word of acknowledgement or even a polite thank you.  How rude.  Really though, bad manners turn me off.  Money doesn't buy class OR manners apparently.

I'm taking most of this weekend to myself.  It's been some time since i've done some art, read for hours, stared at a wall for a while....

My experience thus far with the Women in Motion program at work has been amazing.  I love my physical therapist and with only two visits I already feel the the release of pain in my hip.  Yesterday i saw a podiatrist who made me walk down the hall and then had me take x-rays because ........she believes one of my legs is longer than the other.  Slightly, yet enough to be causing all this clumsiness i've been living with my entire life.  So far, they have identified the EXACT spot that is causing me years of pain in my hip, and now this, with the leg length.

Imagine that i'm 57 and finally someone is helping me to move correctly.  It's never been about me being lazy....my pain has finally been validated and is on the way to correction. I am so ready to continue putting in the work to drop the weight and strengthen my body.  I love this feeling of being able to move with less pain.  Imagine, with none???

Even with all the eating i did last weekend, i lost another pound this week.  I call that success.  It's coming off slowly, and painlessly........the activity is the key.

This morning I feel outstanding.  Ready to take on the challenges that are ahead.  Let's do this. 

i'm not fine

 I really thought i would never be hurt again.  Especially by someone i've only known for 2 months.

2 months of daily conversations.

I'm sad because i cared and i was treated like i don't matter.

I let him in.  

I saw him as a good man.  How he spoke to me, and how he handled me after.......does not match my definition of a good man.

How could he say that to me.

Was any of this real?

I gave myself, even when upset.  I drove to his house to talk in person and he responded with indifference and rejection. like i'm disposable.

I'm sad because this relationship mattered to me.  I feel the loss of the connection we had, of the possibility of what we might have had.

I did not deserve what he said.  I hung up on him to create space, to create a boundary.  Then i followed up because i wanted to understand him.

But he shut down.  Shut me down.  Turned his back.

So i sit here wondering what is wrong with me?  Why did he think so little of me, and why do i care?

I'm fine

 If someone makes you feel degraded, confused and unwanted.......thats not a healthy relationship.

How people have disagreements matters.

He crossed a line with his "joking". He was blatantly disrespectful, crude, and degrading. This, coming from someone who I thought cared about me.

I hung up on him because I was deeply hurt and shocked and didn't want to hear what was coming next. It came out of left field.  He was on a riff of  "negging" me..always calls me a "state worker" which used to be a funny crack until it wore itself out.  I didn't realize how often he would take shots at me all in the name of joking around.  "You stutter a lot"...."you are dangerously uncoordinated," and once he literally stated i was not "blow job worthy yet".

Crude.  Rude.  I don't care how much money you have.....it obviously doesn't buy class.

He had been drinking when he said that last bit........and the fact that I just validated it with another issue.....

I did what I do, and I ignored what made me uncomfortable, focusing on what made me happy.  Except, i've learned through all my mistakes with men, despite myself, i've learned.

Being mean or crude isn't funny.  And it's not how i will be treated.  I have learned that accepting disrespect sets a precedent for more disrespect.

I checked him.

And he showed a lack of emotional maturity, a lack of regard for my boundaries and a willingness to humiliate me for his entertainment.

That isn't the man i can stand behind or give myself to.

Yet, I drove out to his home to give him his gift, and have an opportunity to discuss what had just happened in person.

He ignored my presence, did not open the door to me and when he called me after i drove away he was dismissive and cold.

I've been emotionally punished enough in my lifetime to identify it when it happens.  

Someone who truly cared for me would apologize, check in on me, and try to make it right.  He doubled down on being cruel.

Yes, it hurts.  Yes, i'm sad.  But my life?  Unchanged.  He added nothing to it but text messages and phone calls.  There was no effort to move forward.

Playing devil's advocate for a moment, this man was in no way ready to get involved in a relationship.  And honestly, I'm seeing why his other relationships didn't work. 

That is not my concern anymore.  Would i have tried to "fight it out".......probably, yes.  But the damage was done.  He cut me out.  That was his choice, and perhaps it was the best one for both of us.

What did i learn?  I allowed myself to accept less than what i was very clear about wanting.  I allowed too many "jokes" to slip past without addressing the disrespect.  I'm not one of the boys and when a man treats me like i am......i need to see the red flag.

I'm getting there........it's taking my entire life to learn how to set boundaries, and love myself enough to protect myself.  This is real life, not a movie with a happy ending.  People are imperfect, i certainly am.  People have trauma, and a past and have made mistakes, I certainly have.  I don't expect perfection, but i will not tolerate being disrespected and when i call it out, being dismissed.

Thats not the life i want.

What if he reaches back out to me eventually?  Well, i will need to understand if he lifts me up or wears me down.  I need to know i will feel emotionally safe with him, and without him even trying to understand what caused this whole situation......i don't see that happening.

If he genuinely apologizes (which i'm not sure he is capable of), and takes full responsibility, I will hear him out.  I like this man.  He fucked this situation up with how he handled it and he should be given an opportunity to fix it once he has had  time to reflect.

I'm not going to hold my breath.  

Just not cut out for this

I guess this one is done.

He always busts my ass but today he went too far.  And I was kind of shocked, then mad.  So i hung up before i lost my mind.

Instead of calming down, i spiraled. Some things just aren't funny.  And EVEN if he was joking, i don't think a man that cares for a woman, or has any kind of respect for her, would say what he said.

Instead of having a war on the phone, I grabbed the bag with the token gift i bought him from my weekend away, (because we still haven't seen each other) and his dish, from when he made me lunch, got in my car and drove out to his house.  

He texted me, and i told him i was coming to bring him his gift.  He read the message.

I truly didn't believe that he wouldn't open the garage door when i arrived.  He has so much security on his house, and cameras....i could hear the dogs barking.....there's no way he didnt know i was there.  So i left.  And as soon as i left he called me.  And I ANSWERED to him telling me how was he supposed to know i was coming and what was wrong with me and mad that i HUNG UP on him...........

So i t repeated back what he said to me that got me upset.  And he was incredulous, and said okay "goodbye" and hung up.

Me being who i am, can't leave it alone.  I text him, he hasn't read them.  I called him, i go to voicemail.

See.  being shut off and ignored, being cut out........that triggers all my triggers.  Because it tells me i don't matter.  If you can cut me out, i don't matter. 

I thought he was different.  I thought he was going to be the one.  looks like i was wrong.  Again.  Last year i fell for Mr. Tattoo and made a complete ass out of myself.  This years lesson is Mr. Cigar.  

I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to date men i don't like, and i don't want to start caring about men that can just cut me out.  It hurts and its awful and i don't want to do this anymore.

Hey, at least i didn't sleep with him.  Bravo for me.  Maybe i should go back to casual meaningless sex with men i could care less about.....and save the tears. 

Nothing new to report

There are times when I have nothing to say.

Those are usually happy times.

Nothing swirling around in my mind that I need to sort out or organize into understanding is a peaceful place to be.

I love my peace.  It's taken me a long time to find it.  Yet, here i am, getting involved with chaos again.

Is it worth it?

Is he worth it?

The things that come out of his mouth sometimes...... People close to me think the same of me.  It can be endearing,  sometimes hurtful, but usually accurate.

Yesterday, i let him i know i didn't like a certain situation at all and i couldn't have NOT said it.  I could have just ignored it, let it go, not address it.......like i used to.  Always with fear that me having an opinion or a feeling about something would end up with me single.

But i have grown to love single.  And i have learned that men who can't handle my thoughts or opinions aren't worthy of my time.  I'm in this too.  And if something makes me unhappy as a participant in this relationship i have a not only the right, but the responsibility to speak up.

Correct it, or dont.  Thats on him.  I did my part.  He understands my feelings on it.  

I would expect the same of him, and he has been very open about the fact that my lack of coordination is literally dangerous and he has been encouraging me to walk more, strengthen myself, and eat better.

Which i was already doing before i met him.........however, his support, and interest...is very motivating. 

Work is so slow at the moment.......i'm down to the scrunge work just to get through the day.  This doesn't happen often but when it does, the day is so much longer and there is no feeling of satisfaction in doing a good days work.

Tomorrow will be better.

oh yes.

 In the past, i would be a complete wreck at this moment.

I miss my kids.  My job is very much in transition and my romantic interest has not determined if I am also his romantic interest.

My kids are so grown i feel like the child.  They surpassed me a long time ago.  They are so completely independent that my role in their life feels like the elder that gets checked in on, and that hopefully i haven't gotten myself up to any shenanigans that they have to worry about and consult on with each other.

That is both a huge overgeneralization and a very succinct statement.  

My job - i do not fear not having one.  I do fear what it is possibly turning into.  I have no control over how it develops.  I'm not sure anyone has really thought too deeply about it considering that filling my boss's position was the priority.  I have a good idea of what is going to happen and i'm okay with it......at the same time, i work for a hospital and i have grown used to things changing with the wind.

Yet, i'm not freaking out.

Mr Cigar - at times, i feel so confident that we will continue on and then I see something (because i'm looking, mind you) that gives me the insecure, unstable feeling.

Feelings that at this point in my life.....I don't want or need.  I become paralyzed in how to address it, or IF it even needs addressing at all.  This is a me problem.  This is a security issue. a trust issue.

This is me laying importance on things that are not important.

Its so easy to slip back into fight mode......the fix it mode.  But i'm retired from that.  My peace, my self value.......will not be compromised for anyone, let alone a man who has not committed to me. 

He has a list of imperfections in his head regarding women, as i do men.  He has dated doozies, as i have.  He doesn't want to make another mistake, nor do i.  However, in the end........it doesn't even matter. (see what i did there?)  We love who we love and we can't make ourselves love someone just because they look good on paper and check all the boxes.

I'm not in love.  I know myself though, and add some intimacy to the cocktail we've been creating and i may just tip over into it.  

Withdrawal

 When i was married, we ended every phone conversation, every leaving, with "i love you" regardless if we were fighting, or mad, or pre-occupied, because those would always be the last words spoken to each other if "anything" happened.

We didn't say "good bye" because that would bring bad luck, that it left the door open to not seeing each again.....instead, we always said "see ya".  

To forget either of these "rules" was hurtful.

I raised my kids with the same thought process.

I was trained.  Was there anything wrong with these traditions or rituals?  Not when all was right with the world.  BUT, if someone decided they wanted to hurt you, they omitted these rules.  They did not say i love you before hanging up or leaving.  They purposely said goodbye which, they might has well just said fuck off and die.

Rules, or traditions, or any kind of "we do this always" can be turned into a weapon against your partner.

I was trained.

Behave, or love (the showing of affection to me) was withdrawn until I got back in line.

My next relationship, he wouldn't say he loved me.  This became so all consuming to me that when he finally DID say this to me, it was a get out of jail card for him that he had been holding on to for dear life.  He knew i was breaking up with him, he knew the simple words i had so longed to hear would stop that from happening.

Thats not love.  That is manipulation.

And again, I was trained.

So desperate, so starved for love or anything that looked like it.  Even a little bit, just enough was fine .....because i had no love for myself.

Years later, i date, men say the words i wanted so desperately and they fall flat.  Men text me in the morning and at lunch and before bed, telling me they think of me.......and it means nothing.  They text many women the same thing, or they do it like they brush their teeth in the morning - routine.  These things are little effort with large rewards......used to be, at least.

I became annoyed with the good morning, the good night the routine of it all.  I don't want it.  Take it back. men are all the same. 

because it can be used as a weapon.

Now, seeing Mr. Cigar, i have become used to the GM text, the GN text with kissy faces, the random texts and phone calls that light me up when i see his face on my cell phone screen.

ugh.

This weekend i went away with my friends to Amish Country.  I had a wonderful time.  I did not obsess over the fact that he did not answer my texts, or react to the pictures i shared with him.  That he did not call me once, and that GN text never came.

I felt stupid feeling hurt over something i have considered so lame, yet have apparently grown used to.  Like a pacifier.

Because, what effort has he really put into me aside from texts and phone calls?

I've invited him to several gatherings.  I've asked him to come to my home.  I tried to make plans with him for today well before i went away.....and i get nothing.  Sometimes not even an answer.

He asks me to go to his house, and i act like a happy camper.

Reminds me of Mr. Tattoo.

And that, is not a good thing.

Still no sex, and that is fine by me.  That will put me straight into crazy town if he hasn't decided how he feels about me being in his life.

Which.......he seems to forget, takes TWO people to decide.  

I'm not that teenager who married my first love, or the traumatized woman who wasted 13 years with a man who couldn't love her.......Nor am i the jaded woman who casually and ruthlessly cut men off at the first sign of anything i didn't agree with.  I'm not the wildly swinging pendulum.  Last summer taught me that i can have very strong feelings and that those feelings can be way off base.  That good sex, and comfort does not equate to love.  That my willingness to accept scraps from men and call that affection.....those days were over.

I had trained myself.

yes, i can have feelings for a man and i can still say "enough".  You've pushed me too far.  Mr. Tattoo's mistake was thinking that he was going to treat me like a booty call.  And the first time he tried it, he was history.

Mr. Cigar..........yes, i'm developing feelings.  But i'm not losing my mind.  This is not a relationship, this is the beginning of something that COULD be a relationship.  But right now, no.  Calling me, texting me........does not a relationship make.

Effort.  That's what i haven't seen.  Priority.  Value for what we are doing.  

And that all may take time, as it should.  I do need to slow my ass down, and not place so much importance on not getting a good night message, or getting one with no kisses. (in print that looks ridiculous, yet my my how does it sting)  

I can fall for someone without forsaking myself.  He's not "the" man until he has become my man.  And that, has not been earned. 

This and That

How do you fit two Cane Corsos in your little car?  

 Side by side........

How much fun am i having?  A lot.

Found out the boys do NOT like the electric dirtbike (have you EVER heard of such a thing?) that Mr. Cigar was getting ready for the weekend.  They think it's attacking him.  

Thats one way for them to get exercise for sure, as they chased him around the yard barking their lungs out.  

He's crazy.  That's all i really need to say.  That special kind of "lets have some spontaneous fun" (that might actually kill you) crazy. 

This morning i'm hiding my face at work because Mr. Cigar has a habit of biting my face and i'm taking medication that makes my already easy to bruise body, bruise if you breath on it.

A bite looks looks like i've been accosted.  

He doesn't bruise easily or everyone would see it's rough house......and i absolutely love expending that pent-up energy horsing around with him.  He keeps showing me ways to subdue someone........jiu-jitsu......it turns me on a little.  More than a little.

Okay- enough gushing about this man.  I'm going away with friends to the Amish country this weekend on a mini thrifting and flea market vacation.  The timing is good.  It will be good to be away, take some space, have time to absorb and evaluate with distance between us.

This one........he's gonna either be the one, or he's gonna be the devastating lesson that i should spend my life alone.  All i want to do is go play with him.  And i mean that in all the ways.  I can't just jump in, i have to use my head and take it nice and easy.

The thing is........he seems to be crazy about me too.

He sent me home with pasta salad he made for lunch today. (After he took me out for cheat night pizza) 

Yep.  oh. boy. 

TikTok stupidity

 I post stupid, unimportant, time wasting tiktoks........they aren't informative or earth shattering.  They are just a place holder for my little self on the internet.

I don't take myself seriously there.  Or anywhere on the internet aside from here........and here is just ramblings in my head that allow me to continue to put sentences together in a practice of free writing thoughts. I like to think of it as dusting my brain......cleaning things up.

This morning i watched an ENTIRE video of a man explaining his rating system of women, which he seemed to think (verrrry slowly) was an amazing new way to explore how to rate a human female.

He is okay looking, but he ruined it by opening his mouth.  

This happens a lot with men.  They look okay, or even more than okay and then they open their mouths and caca pours out.  

We wonder why dating is so difficult and then we see men like this spouting off their stupidity and it all becomes very clear.

Women are just as bad, make no mistake.  For some people the initial meeting is all about looks.  Is she a certain height and size, his he a certain height and size?  Is their face pleasing, do they have perfect teeth, are they dressed expensively?

Of course these are the first impressions, however, i'm going to assume some talking or chatting has occurred before this meet, giving an indication of humor, intellect, compatibility.

Which all goes out the window if that person doesn't fit someones standard of a "10" or whatever rating they feel is "in their league".

My ex once told me that a woman was out of his league.  I sat on that thought for a while.  She is, but i'm apparently.......not?  

It as laughable then, and it's even more laughable now.  He also told me i wasn't "model material".....yes, he was a real charmer.  

It was all about looks for him, if you listened to what he said.  "she's too masculine looking, she's too fat, she's too such and such........" all while he was/is rocking a gallagher hair style and going from a roofer hard body to a truck driving soft body.........

Good damn thing my standard wasn't model material.

Just burns my ass when i am reminded of the unkind, unLOVING things that were said to me without me putting him in his place.  It might have saved him.  But saving isn't my job.

I guess, while i'm on this journey of losing the weight, exercising and feeling incredibly proud of myself, i'm also remembering how damn cute i was when i was allowing a man to "neg" me.  

Some men just don't understand how far encouragement goes.  I'm thriving with it at the moment.  I'm not wasting time recovering from negative words, "you'll never do it"..........

THANK GOD.

or the Goddess.

No matter how this man and I work out.........I will never forget his ability to motivate me.

I'm not letting him go.

Also.......getting a lot of compliments this morning and it has everything to do with how i feel about myself.  

For once

 in my life i don't have to be the good influence, the voice of reason, the support for better choices..........

Saturday night i was home pretty early- he fell asleep as we were watching tv in his recliner (for two)...the man had been up at 4am, been running his ass all day, and then we had dinner together.  He was so tired.  I stayed a while, watching television, cuddled up to him.  Then a big rain storm hit and  the dogs and i stood in the 3 seasons room and watched it, smelled it.  It was so dark out, but the trees, and the rain, and the wind......my favorite.  And the two boys with their noses to the screen right there with me, just watching. I knew my boy, Miyagi, was home sleeping through it.  

He woke briefly a few times, mumbled incoherently about work stuff.  He's always at work in his head.  If i got up he would stir "where are you going?".......finally, as i started to fall asleep i knew i needed to go home.

I wasn't mad, didn't feel hurt, or insulted "I came out here to you and you fell ASLEEP?" because i know he tried his damndest to stay awake.  I offered several times to go, and he said "no, stay" each time.  

It was comfortable.  It was relaxing.  We shared a meal and a quiet evening.  

The next morning he texted "i fell asleep on you"  How can i tell him that his wanting me to stay, being aware i was there, and being able to rest.........it's all part of it.  Part of normal.  

It wasn't a drug induced coma after work.  There's a big difference.

Sunday i was up early, worked out, walked on my walking pad as i watched Handmaids Tale (I'm only allowed to watch it if i'm walking is the deal i made with myself) He called and said thats great cardio, it's not going to help you with balance.  Go outside, walk a mile and call me back.

Could i be mad?  Could i just say i did it and NOT do it?  Could i tell this man, fuck right off?  

I wasn't, i didn't and i didn't.  I laughed, got dressed, and went for a walk.  More than a mile it turns out.  And i was happy to do it.  I feel encouraged, i feel cared about and supported.   I feel awesome when i push myself and to know there is someone there, pushing me along when i lose interest......that feels great too.

And the food prep.  I went to the godawful least favorite thing in my world, the grocery store.  And i purchased fruit, veggies and protein without worrying they will all go bad because i went home and prepped them all, put them into mason jars and made them air tight so they will last all week.  My refrigerator is filled with healthy food i love so i can graze all week.  It's been so difficult to eat because i have lost all interest in food. (the medication) but I have to eat for fuel, and to lose the weight.  Once in a while i get hit with a craving and it's usually cold fruit.  I can't seem to get enough.

My relationship with food is eat it all or not at all.

He food preps every week and during the week not just for himself but for his pups.  Thats a lot of food prep.  I used to make mason jar salads and enjoyed the ease of eating a healthy lunch all week that i didn't have to think about.  He has inspired me to food prep for all my meals, and snacks.  

I was excited to get the groceries home, put on my podcast and get to food prepping.  

He leads by example.

He has health issues and he has adjusted his life to live healthier.  He makes me want to do the same.

Some may roll their eyes (like my dark side is doing) but who benefits from me exercising and eating right?  I do.  Who gets to reap the benefits of feeling awesome?  I do.

And he encourages me. 

Then he smokes his cigar.  LMAO.  Because he is a MAN not a god.  And sometimes he wants pizza.  and he drinks Guinness .......and he makes me laugh my ass off.  Not because i'm intoxicated, or stoned......because i've only been tipsy around him once so far.  He doesn't have to get me fucked up so i relax and loosen up.  I'm doing that.......on my own.  

For once. 

talking

I love talking to this man.

for hours we sat and talked and drank - about all the things.  Private.  

And then he bit me.  

we stopped talking for a while. 

I have no idea what was on the television.

Just enough....not tooo much.  Boundaries. 

Then we went upstairs............

and

I fell asleep in his bed.  Perfectly innocent.  It was late, all that drinking and talking. 

just crawled up into his bed and curled up under his arm and....crashed out.  

That was the intention.  

He is intentional.

The brakes in my head are smoking hot............I'm going in, with eyes wide open and allllll my baggage is saying "too good"  "be careful"  

yeah, screw that noise.  I'm about to throw in.

Do you know what it's like to close your eyes in a mans bed and fall asleep with the full certainty that you are safe to do so?  

He is methodical.

If this turns sour for either of us......it's not impossible to stop it.  I can be the "open book" that i am but my chapters are never the same. There may be some surprises.  Yes, i'm transparent, that doesn't mean i'm clueless.

My transparency has been abused in the past, it's been taken advantage of with no regard for my well being or happiness.

So..........what will it be like to be with a man who values it?   

Check in

 I love working in no pants.

Friday morning i wake up, make coffee, go to my desk and sign in.  I check emails, answer/react to them and then i drag out all the travel authorizations i brought home to review.

maybe more coffee, try to eat something (I take my shot on Thursday morning so i'm not very hungry on Friday) and try not to talk out loud to myself as i correct the TA's and shake my head.

Now, I might get a phone call from Mr. Cigar too.  

I like Friday's.

I can have my music on, or it used to be the news but that got me all distracted........so music it is.

I can not worry about what i'm wearing or what i look like.

And the commute home is very short.

I walk over to my walking pad and do some steps............because i'm not getting very many on a Friday in my apartment.

I have no complaints. I'm aware it might all change in a very short time, but I'm okay with changes. I've learned how to accommodate, acclimate, and thrive with changes.  I'm ready.

Yesterday i got flustered on the phone with Mr. Cigar and made a quick exit.  Then i sat there thinking about it and i called him back and told him i got flustered and why.  Then we carried on the conversation i had dipped out of.

This man.  I can't tell if he's as fucked up as i am or it's just him, or it's just me. He keeps me on my toes and a lot of times i'm off balance.......But when i tell him what is going on in my head, he doesn't discount it.  We don't dwell on it either, we just keep moving.

This is new.  Yesterday, i was going through my phone because i rarely delete text messages.  And i reviewed the ending of several dating situations.  

Mostly, men get defensive and cut me off the minute i call out that something doesn't sit right with me.  So, i've always felt, with reason, that when i speak up, it's over.

Or there's a fight and that makes me run because of the feelings it brings up..........i'm sick of fights.  I will not fight.  I WILL disappear.  And maybe that's not healthy.  But it's the consequence of spending so many years fighting for no reason.  You can't keep a man who doesn't want you.  Fight or not.  And you can't make them treat you the way you want to be treated if they don't already know. You can't force a square into a hole.  You are wasting your time and you will get your heart broken by men who never deserved you in the first place.

So i tend to run when it gets heated.  But i'm working on it.  Yesterday, i took a few breaths, and i called him back to finish the conversation.  How he handled it, and me, was perfect.  

Not a yes man, not a kiss ass, not a whimpy dude with no backbone.........YET, not a bully, or unconcerned, or uninterested either.  

He's not trying to manipulate me.  And i value that.  Very much.  

THATS the response i want

 When i send a full body picture of me in my "going to work" outfit - and i get a text that says "Damn you are fucking sexy".....

That is the correct response.

And i feel marvelous, darling.

I felt like i was looking cute before i sent the picture, incidentally. But when the man you are wanting attention from gives the correct response......priceless.

I could care less if anyone else notices.

But i'm going to toot my horn because i don't really get to very often........

The new IT guy was getting out of his car at the same time i was walking into the building.  I saw him do a doubletake.  Then we met up at the elevators and he was all awkward.  For a moment i thought i had something stuck to my shoe.  But no, he kept stealing glances at me from under his mop of hair.

I still got it.

Boom.

Okay here is my thought- When a woman is working on herself and seeing results, and has a man in her life that pumps her up.......the vibe shines through.  That makes her attractive to other people who may not have noticed her, or discounted her previously.

Because she is vibing with herself.  And being told that by the guy she is seeing.

Funny, how that works.  

Men smell conquest.  They will take their shot and a happy woman lets it go right past her.  All she knows is the man who supports her to get to happy........THIS woman.  I can't speak for all.

Yes, i put that skirt on i haven't fit in years.  And tonight i go home and work out as part of my life.  I am not near my goal of being able to do a deep squat (which i have never been able to do in my life) but my stretching and walking and just MOVING is paying off.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself today.  go. me.  

 

Change is good

 My boss had his call this afternoon, with his boss (The BIG BOSS) and he was told who would be taking his place when he retires in July.

This has been on my mind for months now, wondering what was going to happen.

Although my boss is stepping down from his main position, he will still be here for another year, consulting for his replacement and administering my programs.  So i have another year with him, at least. Being completely selfish, i am not looking foward to his retirement.  I'm trying not to think too much about it.

He is 82.  He's more than earned it, i'd say.  But i'm selfish.

Working beside someone as smart as he is, as important as he is, and having him value my input, and think i'm good at what i do has done wonders for my self esteem.  I thank the teacher, him.  

My position is weirdly divided, between academic and clinical.  I'm paid out of one pot, but i work in several......if that makes sense without divulging entirely too much.  So the idea that i will be "absorbed" by said pot......did not at all sound attractive to me.

The thought is that the new executive may want to pick his own support.  But, i'm not technically support. I manage my own programs, and my boss is the administrator because Providers do not respect anyone but other Providers.  Sad, but totally true in most cases.  It has nothing to do with me.  It's just a thing.

Doctors manage other Doctors, and anyone else is almost invisible if they don't like what you have to say.  Trust me, i've experienced this several times in this position, and many many times in previous positions.  But my boss supports me 100%, which may be the difference in my happiness factor.

So today he found out what we've been waiting to hear.  He knows i want to know, but would never ask him - It will be announced soon enough.  What he did tell me is that it is very good news, and that i will be happy.

So........he's staying?

Haaaa

I trust his judgement.  And if he thinks all is well, than i can relax a small bit.  But honeslty, i'm still jumping out of my skin not knowing what direction my professional future is going in.

So maybe tonight i will have an adult beverage to celebrate the "good news".

:)

I slept like a baby last night, not waking up until my alarm went off.  

I checked my phone, and left Mr. Cigar a cheeky answer to the question he asked as i fell asleep with a smile on my face.  

So, "we" are a thing.

Not on full blast, but on the same page.  We aren't friends. :)

Yesterday was a mixed bag of nuts.  Proud of myself for taking care of my feelings, and sad that it could have meant not ever hearing from him again.  And i did NOT reach out as much as i wanted to as the day went by into night.  

It sucked, but i knew it was the best thing for me.  

Last night i was drained, accepting, and brain tired.  I was in bed by 8pm.  As i was falling asleep i heard his text come in.  I debated, do i look or do i complete the fall into sleep?  

I looked.

"Are you happier now?"

My response

"are you?"

and we were off, having an actual conversation about us.  Both of us.

My first, yes......first adult relationship with a man (romantically) that isn't based on sex.  

I know that won't be a problem.  There's so much chemistry in his kiss that honestly, after getting to know each other, if that was it, i could be happy.

But it won't be.

Tripping

 Today my boss called me a computer wiz.  

I already idolize the man.  

A little bit ago i had the opportunity to run across campus in this gorgeous weather to get a hand delivered signature.  I went back to my old stomping grounds.

I was pretty unprepared for the welcome i received.  I got hugs and smiles galore.  I was so happy to see so many people i had worked with for 4 years, and i even went to my old office...

Bittersweet because i did love the people i worked with there, but when an opportunity arose and it was dangled in my face by a new manager who had joined the team.......and then i didn't get it.  I saw there would be no growth for me there, that i had my niche where i was needed.........and i wanted more than that.

So i moved on but i never forgot the good times (and stressful times) i had there.  

I needed this today because i have not heard from Mr. Cigar.  Sometimes it's hard to draw a line in the sand and stand up for yourself when you know you want and deserve more.  Leaving that department was leaving a job I knew inside out and a job i was good at.....but i wanted more and it couldn't offer me more.  It's the same with Mr. Cigar.  Yes, i like him, can see myself eventually falling for him.......which is why it's important to make my intentions known.  Maybe he will be able to meet me half way, or maybe i'll never hear from him again.

Either way, i move forward.  

And this time there will be no reaching out from me "so he doesn't forget about me"........they don't forget.  If they don't care, they just don't care.  And it's better to know that than not.

I walked.  I didn't take the shuttle.  And every opportunity i have i've been walking, stretching, exercising to sweat and drop the weight, get in better shape.  

For myself.  Because it makes me feel confident about my ability.  Because i enjoy the occassional getting checked out.  Not everyone finds me unattractive at my present weight.  

I think it's more about confidence and security than what a woman looks like. When i feel good about me i give off good vibes and confidence.  I get attention.  What i'm doing, is for myself, not for attention but its a nice reinforcement that i'm moving in the right direction. 

It makes rejection not feel so personal.  It's not about me.  It's his issue.  He pursued me, I've been honest from the start, and i laid down a line.........if he chooses to miss his opportunity with me, that will be his regret.  But i won't regret letting go of someone who wasn't taking me seriously.

Something i've taken note of with Mr. Cigar is that he seems to care more about women after they are gone.  That makes me sad.  For him. 

Taking care of my own interests

 Listen, i know i said i would wait for two months and see what happens...........but the fact is, i'm interested in this man, he is taking up space in my head, I'm waiting to hear from him and see him.

We haven't seen each other in two weeks.  We live 15 minutes apart.  He still hasn't come to my home, always with a reason.

He makes time for his things, and seeing me isn't one of them.

Have i complained? No.  What's the point?

Yesterday, having a long telephone conversation (which is basically what makes up our situation) he was telling me how he had posted a picture of him and the girl he dated briefly but had to take it down because then everyone made assumptions.

ok?

He was seeing her, yes?  So...........accurate assumptions.

Then he said he took down all the pictures he had posted of women because he "wasn't seeing anyone" and ALSO that when he was seeing someone he was 100% invested, and proud to post pictures and have her around his friends. He didn't hide a woman he was seeing.

oh.

Flashback to Mr. Tattoo and our official demise when i asked him, after he had gone to a party where he would be with all his friends, if anyone had asked him if he was seeing anyone.  He said, "no" and i said "well what if they had asked?" and he said simply "i'm not seeing anyone".

They will tell you exactly what you are to them in casual conversation.

To Mr. Tattoo i was a casual, consistant lay that he treated like a queen - but wouldn't admit he was seeing.

What am i to Mr. Cigar?  

Well he can take all the time he needs to figure it out, but i'm not hanging around being available for his calls, or texts while he does.

I was crushed last year, felt like i had lost someone very important to me that i was developing strong feelings for....was it because of the intimacy?  at least partially.  But i learned not to invest in someone who was not equally investing in me.  My presence in Mr. Tattoos life wouldn't make or break him, and i could easily be replaced with another situationship.  And i was.

I'm not interested in investing time and developing feelings into someone who doesn't do the same for me. 

Saturday, i had in my head  that i was going to see Mr. Cigar, and when i finally asked him why he wasn't coming over (AGAIN) he gave me the valid excuse that would have been fine if there hadn't been literal HOURS left of daylight.  His headlights are out and he's replacing them this week blah blah blah...Well, there are other alternatives that would make us able to see each other, none of which were thought of by him because HE JUST DIDN"T WANT TO SEE ME Saturday night. Duh.

So....Sunday- my hopeful little heart thinks he will make time for me........and by 1pm in the afternoon (when the realization that he "wasnt seeing anyone"  was divulged) there were no plans in place.  Just an "i'll call you later".  okay buddy.

My Bestie called immediately after and asked me to come to her house, watch a movie we've been wanting to see and have dinner.

I'm embarrassed to say this, but old me would have stayed home licking wounds and feeling bad.  New me decided i've had enough of this shit and went to my besties house and didn't come home till after 9pm.  And you know what?  Had i stayed home waiting for this man, i would have been disappointed, AGAIN. I put entirely too much thought into him. 

Before i left i sent him a message, and told him in a lot more words to shit or get off the pot.  If we weren't dating then we needed to end contact.   And i felt lighter.  No one is going to look out for me in this world of men who can't make choices either way.  They will let you hang around while they wait for someone better, or whatever their reasons are.  

I'm not filler.  I'm not entertainment.  or a safety blanket.  

Get to it, or get out of the way of someone who will. 

Yes, i like him.  I like him a lot.  But not enough to forget myself and my own needs.

So let him take allllll the time he needs to figure out if he wants me in his life (Which i think he has already shown me)  - meanwhile, i'll be living mine.  Not waiting for him to decide.  So, he probably shouldn't take a lot of time - because i DO want to find a man that i want a relationship with and dating is part of that.  And i do have faith that in meeting men i will eventually meet the one i want to explore the future with.  I thought it could be him, but his games and hesitancy are making it obvious he's not the one.  

Mixed signals

 My bestie told me i give out mixed signals to men i date.

I don't do it on purpose. I'm a mixed up lady so it would make sense to give out mixed signals.

I see it in myself.  Not sure what i can do about it except be honest.  

I know i'm falling for a man when i start waiting for him to show signs of not being interested in me.  That's kind of messed up.

If i don't care, I literally do NOT care if he calls, texts, contacts me in any way.  I'm not an asshole, i tell the guy i don't see "this" ever working out for whatever reason.  They aren't bad men, they just aren't for me.

They've been great looking, financially stable, grown up, articulate.....all the things....but i just haven't felt that interest to know more, or the need to be closer.  I hate that too.  Because on paper, these guys are the dream men.  

I'm not a dream woman.  

I have battle scars, didn't have a great upbringing, didn't make a lot of great choices and kind of just went through life surviving.  No one backed me financially, in fact, the exact opposite.

All of these things........i did to myself.  Can't blame other people for what i allowed.  Finally, i woke up.  I started planning, striving, going without immediate gratification.....reaching for more in life.

My kids showed me how.

They are the adults i always wanted to be.

It hurts my heart that they learned how by having me as a mother.  All i did was struggle and thats what they grew up in.  The one thing, though, is that as imperfect and unwise as i was, I loved and continue to love them with all of my heart.  I winged it as a mom.  I had no role models, only what NOT to do.  I did the exact opposite of what was done to me.  

Any kind of extreme is probably not a great idea in raising children.

I imagine i gave them mixed signals as well.  Seems i'm adept at it.  

Now though, now......i make better choices.  LMAO.

I am still waiting for Mr. Cigar to fail me. Thats my negative thinking.  He hasn't.  He has pissed me off, he has been the instigator of mini melt downs, and he has continued to come back without ever having left.  

I like it when he calls me and i can tell he has a cigar in his mouth....isn't that weird?

slow burn

 Apparently they call this a "slow burn" relationship.

He is in his busy season, and he's also trying to acquire other small businesses that have decided it's not worth the work. He is growing his business so he can retire and leave it to his partner.

This guy, he is no dummy.  He is extremely conscious of making money.  He takes no time off - and on the weekends, IF he isn't working, he does competitive shooting.

I've never seen a man pamper his dogs the way he does.  They are literally his children - very big children.

His home is clean - uncluttered except for the firefighter paraphernalia.....which is literally how i found out he is a retired firefighter.  He doesn't brag.  

One night he took his firefighter helmet down and put it on.

I nearly stroked out.

My imagination got the best of me and he laughed at my red face, told me i'm silly.

Silly wants to ravish you my friend.  

Anyways - the slow burn.

He's busy, i don't like going out during the week, we both go to bed early and get up early (he gets up REALLY early) and i usually have plans with friends on the weekend and he shoots.

Where are we fitting this in?

He calls me at least once a day and during the work day we text randomly once in a while.  He always reaches out.  I'm getting used to it....and look forward to it.  It's not at a certain time.  It's whenever we can make it happen.

We don't always agree and sometimes, we have heated "discussions".  He's not disrespectful but his words strike home a little too close at times.

We both have baggage.  Some dealt with, some fresh.  

He's not seeing anyone else (he says, and i tend to believe him) and neither am i.  I'm not off the market either.  But how would any prospective male know that?  right?  I'm not advertising.

It's taking time - and in a way, i am really enjoying that.  In another way, my anxious attachment style feels like i'm not being chosen quick enough.

HOWEVER, my adult mind is telling me relationships built on firm foundations last.  And if it's meant to be, it will happen.  There is nothing i can or want to do to push this man along.  He's unpushable.

And while it makes me frustrated sometimes, to say the least, it also makes me secure.  I believe what he says.

War of the alphas for sure.  

But i never wanted my alpha status in a romantic relationship in the first place.  It was gifted to me by being with men who were irresponsible, who i could not trust to look out for our welfare.

If this works out, it will be different than anything i've ever experienced.  

This rain tho

 I associate rainy days with romance.

In novels, couples get caught out in the rain during a hike and have to find an abandoned house or cave to take shelter in.....and then they get romantic.  Fall in love.  

In movies, they have a big fight and they are going to break up and then it starts pouring rain while they are screaming at each other.....then they fall into each others arms and kiss.   And fall in love.

In real life, it's just rain.

I have danced in the rain with a man, and shared a first tentative kiss.  He was a jerk, but that memory is a very nice one.  

I have had romantic interludes on rainy days - when my ex bf was a roofer, i LOVED when it rained.  Most of the time.

Now i just find it soothing.  I tend to reminisce  while i'm cozied up in a blanket with a book listening to the rain.  The book sits on my lap and i drift back and think about the past. just like in the movies. 

When i was a kid, my twin bed butted up against the window in my room.  Summer rain storms had me lying on my bed with my head and shoulders in the open window, as close as i could get to outside until my mother yelled i was letting rain in.

So?

I loved the thunder and the lightning, and how the raindrops bounced around on the pavement.  The smell of wet grass and worms, the temporary coolness of the wind, and storm clouds covering the sun.

Someday, i would dance in the rain with a handsome man.

And i did.

I have yet to find the abandoned house, or cave to take shelter in while the storm whips around me and a hottie.  

Maybe when i'm 60?

a fight is not the end

I fight like it's the last time i'm going to see or talk to someone.

A disagreement, to me, if taken to a certain level, means the end.

I am very well trained in the arts of people walking away from me and not returning.

Blah blah psycho babble stuff

It's a trigger.  If we don't work it out before we part ways, in my mind, i'm never seeing that person again.

So all my triggers get triggered and it's THE END....

Friday night i cleaned like a madwoman, like i do when i'm in my feels.  It beats breaking stuff.  Saturday morning i packed my bag and left the house by 7:30am to go to Milford.

Time to be with my friends.  

I did not expect to hear from Mr. Cigar, considering our last conversation and his "have a nice weekend".

Not to mention the ease of which he dismisses me from his mind.

So i did the same.  Keep my mind my where my body is, and be with my friends, these friends being closer to family.

He texted me in the afternoon - we kept it light.  I actually thought he was in the drinks because of what his texting was.....instead of getting in my head i just asked him if he was drunk.  

For someone to all of a sudden start sexty talking, randomly, ........i don't think so.  

Yesterday we talked like nothing had occurred on Friday and i don't care for that much either.  Then i got the "eyes" text in the early hours of this morning, when he finds himself wide awake in the middle of the night.....and maybe we are back on track?  

I don't know.  I just know that something that was making me happy now has me a bit off kilter.  I don't want to be off kilter.  I want my peace.

So........Let him steer, and take control of this....is what i'm going to do.  In the meantime, i have stuff i have to do, life i have to live......and if he fits himself in, thats great.  But i'm not holding my breath for men who don't know what they want from me.

I'm not looking for new dates - but at the same time, i owe him nothing.  

This morning, I have my first appointment with a Woman's Movement clinic, where they are going to check my hips first. I can't keep falling down and dealing with a bum knee when I'm trying to exercise to lose weight and feel good.  This clinic is my last resort.  My hamstrings are so tight they snap, my hips are flexible but are in constant pain. 

This sounds so lame to people who take movement for granted but.......my big goal is to be able to sit in a full squat and stand up without using my hands.  

Wish me luck.  

 

Multiple personalities

 There's the sane side of me - easy going, hard to offend, quick to laugh - comfortable in my skin

and then there's 

the other side.

The one that gets wrapped up in my head about "why am i not worthy" and allows someone else's behavior to make me question my own value.

So what, a guy doesn't like me back.  Big fucking deal.  Says the sane side.  NEXT

Then there's that (here comes the psycho babble) little girl inside me who has never been chosen.  Never been first.  Never been properly cared for.

The one that holds on for dear life to the thought of someday being loved beyond reason.

And when i meet a man I respect, i throw in.  Too soon.  Way too soon.  And i show my cards.  And lose the game.  Because that's what dating is.  A game.

I had in my head that mutual love and affection was the goal.  I've heard women say it's important to love him less than he loves you.  Shit, i can't even get to the love part.  

Last summer it was Mr. Tattoo.  I was over the moon for a man  that gave me no reason to be - aside from the great fucking.  

Here we are in May again, and i fell for another man who gave me ZERO reason.  This time though, no sex.  Brafuckingvo.

I'm seriously not sure which is better.  At least i burned off some calories with Mr. Tattoo.

This afternoon i found out why i haven't really been hearing from Mr. Cigar as much.  He told me the other day i made A COMMENT that i was convenient for him.  And he took that to mean that he contacted me too much.  So he backed off.

Now, i told him thats not what i meant at all.  and then what he had said to me started to sink in.  I said something he didn't like (because he assured me he certainly didn't CARE) and so he punished me.

He said he couldn't let a comment like that go.

I think i felt something in my brain pop.  Did this mother fucker just try to school me in how to talk to him in the most passive aggressive way possible?  And when i didn't complain about his calling and texting less he decided to let me know?  I ASKED for it?  

Sir, kindly fuck off.

He called me AVERAGE.  

LMFAO.  Okay, Mr. bigshot.  That sounds like a YOU problem because no one that knows me thinks i'm AVERAGE.  They might hate me, or love me......but average.....yeah, fuck you.

I tried to have a reasonable conversation with him about THE COMMENT but he just wanted to hear what he wanted to hear.  And he beat me down.

He got into my head, like he said he would.......and he made me very angry and that made me cry.

I don't like it when a man makes me cry.  He's on extremely thin ice if he's making me cry.

No NOT on the phone with him........i'm not a panty waste.  In private, like a fucking grown up.

He "never meant to hurt me"

Lets add that to the list of things I wish to never hear again........

#1 We're adults, we can do what we want

#2 I never meant to hurt you

BULLSHIT.  You never expected to be called out for your shit behavior.

So what have i learned?  Never think i'm having a conversation with a man that won't come back and bite me in the ass in some way.  Never relax, or enjoy, or trust.  DON'T feel safe, even with conversation.  

That's it for me folks.  It's not worth it.  I can't be myself and with a man, and i refuse to be anything but myself.  So.........NO MAN.  

 

It is what it is.

 This morning i woke up and looked at my phone expecting to see a message.

Because no matter how much we say we don't need it, we get used to it.  Maybe even look forward to it.

Nothing.

Fine.  He will call or text me this morning, as he usually does.

Nothing.

Do you think i reached out?  I did not.

I refuse to lead.  I refuse to check.  I refuse to be put in the situation where I expect from someone who has told me not to.

If he isn't choosing you, you aren't in a relationship.  Or the beginning of one.  

A man who is interested, behaves interested.

Consistency .....it's such an easy word, yet such a difficult task for someone who "doesn't know".

And i'm all set with ambiguity.

I'm growing tired of this attachment.  Or maybe it's bored.  

He's a great guy.  That doesn't make him a great guy for me.  He is showing me that he will be a lot of work.

I invited him to attend a gathering of friends tomorrow night.  His answer, "I will think about it" was what they call a "soft no"......and that could be for multiple reasons that at this point are none of my business or concern.  I'm attending, I invited him to share an evening with a few of my friends, and he has not spoken of it since.  Nor have I.

So there we have it.  I've expressed interest by answering his calls, responding to his texts, and inviting him to my home, (declined) and out for a night with friends. (declined)

He has offered me phone calls, and texts.

yes.  I'm bored now. 

TALK talk talk

 Down 3lbs this week.....yay me.

Should i be spending so much time talking to a man that i'm not really seeing?

Why do i even have to think about this.

I guess i'll do it for as long as i like and then not.

I can't help comparing Mr. Cigar and Mr. Tattoo.  

So different, yet both so emotionally fucked up.

Takes one to know one.

Mr. Tattoo had no difficulty using me, even knowing that i was looking for something he wasn't willing to give.  It was "mutual" in his mind.  

That makes not having sex with a man very easy.  Mr. Cigar seems to think he's the one controlling the pace......and in a way he is.  If he tells me he wants to explore a relationship with me, that he chooses me to go forward with THEN we can have sex.  The kissy face stuff is fun and thats as far as it goes, no matter how wonderful he is at it. 

I'm not a prude, or a born again virgin......i'm trying to keep my hormones out of my picking process.  And it's been successful in rooting out the assholes and players over the past year.  Hell, maybe i am a born again virgin after all.

I will forever be grateful to Mr. Tattoo for teaching me how hard i fall once the deed has been done - and how dangerous that is for my emotional well being. That 4 months of playing games will never be forgotten. And his little "hey did i see you" text threw me for a loop because it INSTANTLY brought him to the forefront of my mind - where he has no business being.  He is the past.  He had his chance.

I still experience hurt and embarrassment over that "situationship" and i put him on such a high pedestal because i was trauma-bonded with him.  I seem to gravitate to fixer uppers whether i admit it or not.  

Mr. Cigar has trauma as well (as most of us in our 50's have experienced SOME kind of trauma) and yet he doesn't use it as an excuse to use me.  He seems to be very conscious of his treatment of me.  

I don't feel used by Mr. Cigar at all.  Confused, impatient, excited, and curious.....but not used.

Maybe it will work out, and maybe it won't.  At least i'll know i had my own back and didn't fall for any bullshit behavior either way.