Withdrawal

 When i was married, we ended every phone conversation, every leaving, with "i love you" regardless if we were fighting, or mad, or pre-occupied, because those would always be the last words spoken to each other if "anything" happened.

We didn't say "good bye" because that would bring bad luck, that it left the door open to not seeing each again.....instead, we always said "see ya".  

To forget either of these "rules" was hurtful.

I raised my kids with the same thought process.

I was trained.  Was there anything wrong with these traditions or rituals?  Not when all was right with the world.  BUT, if someone decided they wanted to hurt you, they omitted these rules.  They did not say i love you before hanging up or leaving.  They purposely said goodbye which, they might has well just said fuck off and die.

Rules, or traditions, or any kind of "we do this always" can be turned into a weapon against your partner.

I was trained.

Behave, or love (the showing of affection to me) was withdrawn until I got back in line.

My next relationship, he wouldn't say he loved me.  This became so all consuming to me that when he finally DID say this to me, it was a get out of jail card for him that he had been holding on to for dear life.  He knew i was breaking up with him, he knew the simple words i had so longed to hear would stop that from happening.

Thats not love.  That is manipulation.

And again, I was trained.

So desperate, so starved for love or anything that looked like it.  Even a little bit, just enough was fine .....because i had no love for myself.

Years later, i date, men say the words i wanted so desperately and they fall flat.  Men text me in the morning and at lunch and before bed, telling me they think of me.......and it means nothing.  They text many women the same thing, or they do it like they brush their teeth in the morning - routine.  These things are little effort with large rewards......used to be, at least.

I became annoyed with the good morning, the good night the routine of it all.  I don't want it.  Take it back. men are all the same. 

because it can be used as a weapon.

Now, seeing Mr. Cigar, i have become used to the GM text, the GN text with kissy faces, the random texts and phone calls that light me up when i see his face on my cell phone screen.

ugh.

This weekend i went away with my friends to Amish Country.  I had a wonderful time.  I did not obsess over the fact that he did not answer my texts, or react to the pictures i shared with him.  That he did not call me once, and that GN text never came.

I felt stupid feeling hurt over something i have considered so lame, yet have apparently grown used to.  Like a pacifier.

Because, what effort has he really put into me aside from texts and phone calls?

I've invited him to several gatherings.  I've asked him to come to my home.  I tried to make plans with him for today well before i went away.....and i get nothing.  Sometimes not even an answer.

He asks me to go to his house, and i act like a happy camper.

Reminds me of Mr. Tattoo.

And that, is not a good thing.

Still no sex, and that is fine by me.  That will put me straight into crazy town if he hasn't decided how he feels about me being in his life.

Which.......he seems to forget, takes TWO people to decide.  

I'm not that teenager who married my first love, or the traumatized woman who wasted 13 years with a man who couldn't love her.......Nor am i the jaded woman who casually and ruthlessly cut men off at the first sign of anything i didn't agree with.  I'm not the wildly swinging pendulum.  Last summer taught me that i can have very strong feelings and that those feelings can be way off base.  That good sex, and comfort does not equate to love.  That my willingness to accept scraps from men and call that affection.....those days were over.

I had trained myself.

yes, i can have feelings for a man and i can still say "enough".  You've pushed me too far.  Mr. Tattoo's mistake was thinking that he was going to treat me like a booty call.  And the first time he tried it, he was history.

Mr. Cigar..........yes, i'm developing feelings.  But i'm not losing my mind.  This is not a relationship, this is the beginning of something that COULD be a relationship.  But right now, no.  Calling me, texting me........does not a relationship make.

Effort.  That's what i haven't seen.  Priority.  Value for what we are doing.  

And that all may take time, as it should.  I do need to slow my ass down, and not place so much importance on not getting a good night message, or getting one with no kisses. (in print that looks ridiculous, yet my my how does it sting)  

I can fall for someone without forsaking myself.  He's not "the" man until he has become my man.  And that, has not been earned.