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Mixed signals

 My bestie told me i give out mixed signals to men i date.

I don't do it on purpose. I'm a mixed up lady so it would make sense to give out mixed signals.

I see it in myself.  Not sure what i can do about it except be honest.  

I know i'm falling for a man when i start waiting for him to show signs of not being interested in me.  That's kind of messed up.

If i don't care, I literally do NOT care if he calls, texts, contacts me in any way.  I'm not an asshole, i tell the guy i don't see "this" ever working out for whatever reason.  They aren't bad men, they just aren't for me.

They've been great looking, financially stable, grown up, articulate.....all the things....but i just haven't felt that interest to know more, or the need to be closer.  I hate that too.  Because on paper, these guys are the dream men.  

I'm not a dream woman.  

I have battle scars, didn't have a great upbringing, didn't make a lot of great choices and kind of just went through life surviving.  No one backed me financially, in fact, the exact opposite.

All of these things........i did to myself.  Can't blame other people for what i allowed.  Finally, i woke up.  I started planning, striving, going without immediate gratification.....reaching for more in life.

My kids showed me how.

They are the adults i always wanted to be.

It hurts my heart that they learned how by having me as a mother.  All i did was struggle and thats what they grew up in.  The one thing, though, is that as imperfect and unwise as i was, I loved and continue to love them with all of my heart.  I winged it as a mom.  I had no role models, only what NOT to do.  I did the exact opposite of what was done to me.  

Any kind of extreme is probably not a great idea in raising children.

I imagine i gave them mixed signals as well.  Seems i'm adept at it.  

Now though, now......i make better choices.  LMAO.

I am still waiting for Mr. Cigar to fail me. Thats my negative thinking.  He hasn't.  He has pissed me off, he has been the instigator of mini melt downs, and he has continued to come back without ever having left.  

I like it when he calls me and i can tell he has a cigar in his mouth....isn't that weird?



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