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 I love working in no pants.

Friday morning i wake up, make coffee, go to my desk and sign in.  I check emails, answer/react to them and then i drag out all the travel authorizations i brought home to review.

maybe more coffee, try to eat something (I take my shot on Thursday morning so i'm not very hungry on Friday) and try not to talk out loud to myself as i correct the TA's and shake my head.

Now, I might get a phone call from Mr. Cigar too.  

I like Friday's.

I can have my music on, or it used to be the news but that got me all distracted........so music it is.

I can not worry about what i'm wearing or what i look like.

And the commute home is very short.

I walk over to my walking pad and do some steps............because i'm not getting very many on a Friday in my apartment.

I have no complaints. I'm aware it might all change in a very short time, but I'm okay with changes. I've learned how to accommodate, acclimate, and thrive with changes.  I'm ready.

Yesterday i got flustered on the phone with Mr. Cigar and made a quick exit.  Then i sat there thinking about it and i called him back and told him i got flustered and why.  Then we carried on the conversation i had dipped out of.

This man.  I can't tell if he's as fucked up as i am or it's just him, or it's just me. He keeps me on my toes and a lot of times i'm off balance.......But when i tell him what is going on in my head, he doesn't discount it.  We don't dwell on it either, we just keep moving.

This is new.  Yesterday, i was going through my phone because i rarely delete text messages.  And i reviewed the ending of several dating situations.  

Mostly, men get defensive and cut me off the minute i call out that something doesn't sit right with me.  So, i've always felt, with reason, that when i speak up, it's over.

Or there's a fight and that makes me run because of the feelings it brings up..........i'm sick of fights.  I will not fight.  I WILL disappear.  And maybe that's not healthy.  But it's the consequence of spending so many years fighting for no reason.  You can't keep a man who doesn't want you.  Fight or not.  And you can't make them treat you the way you want to be treated if they don't already know. You can't force a square into a hole.  You are wasting your time and you will get your heart broken by men who never deserved you in the first place.

So i tend to run when it gets heated.  But i'm working on it.  Yesterday, i took a few breaths, and i called him back to finish the conversation.  How he handled it, and me, was perfect.  

Not a yes man, not a kiss ass, not a whimpy dude with no backbone.........YET, not a bully, or unconcerned, or uninterested either.  

He's not trying to manipulate me.  And i value that.  Very much.  

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