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oh yes.

 In the past, i would be a complete wreck at this moment.

I miss my kids.  My job is very much in transition and my romantic interest has not determined if I am also his romantic interest.

My kids are so grown i feel like the child.  They surpassed me a long time ago.  They are so completely independent that my role in their life feels like the elder that gets checked in on, and that hopefully i haven't gotten myself up to any shenanigans that they have to worry about and consult on with each other.

That is both a huge overgeneralization and a very succinct statement.  

My job - i do not fear not having one.  I do fear what it is possibly turning into.  I have no control over how it develops.  I'm not sure anyone has really thought too deeply about it considering that filling my boss's position was the priority.  I have a good idea of what is going to happen and i'm okay with it......at the same time, i work for a hospital and i have grown used to things changing with the wind.

Yet, i'm not freaking out.

Mr Cigar - at times, i feel so confident that we will continue on and then I see something (because i'm looking, mind you) that gives me the insecure, unstable feeling.

Feelings that at this point in my life.....I don't want or need.  I become paralyzed in how to address it, or IF it even needs addressing at all.  This is a me problem.  This is a security issue. a trust issue.

This is me laying importance on things that are not important.

Its so easy to slip back into fight mode......the fix it mode.  But i'm retired from that.  My peace, my self value.......will not be compromised for anyone, let alone a man who has not committed to me. 

He has a list of imperfections in his head regarding women, as i do men.  He has dated doozies, as i have.  He doesn't want to make another mistake, nor do i.  However, in the end........it doesn't even matter. (see what i did there?)  We love who we love and we can't make ourselves love someone just because they look good on paper and check all the boxes.

I'm not in love.  I know myself though, and add some intimacy to the cocktail we've been creating and i may just tip over into it.  


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