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Taking care of my own interests

 Listen, i know i said i would wait for two months and see what happens...........but the fact is, i'm interested in this man, he is taking up space in my head, I'm waiting to hear from him and see him.

We haven't seen each other in two weeks.  We live 15 minutes apart.  He still hasn't come to my home, always with a reason.

He makes time for his things, and seeing me isn't one of them.

Have i complained? No.  What's the point?

Yesterday, having a long telephone conversation (which is basically what makes up our situation) he was telling me how he had posted a picture of him and the girl he dated briefly but had to take it down because then everyone made assumptions.

ok?

He was seeing her, yes?  So...........accurate assumptions.

Then he said he took down all the pictures he had posted of women because he "wasn't seeing anyone" and ALSO that when he was seeing someone he was 100% invested, and proud to post pictures and have her around his friends. He didn't hide a woman he was seeing.

oh.

Flashback to Mr. Tattoo and our official demise when i asked him, after he had gone to a party where he would be with all his friends, if anyone had asked him if he was seeing anyone.  He said, "no" and i said "well what if they had asked?" and he said simply "i'm not seeing anyone".

They will tell you exactly what you are to them in casual conversation.

To Mr. Tattoo i was a casual, consistant lay that he treated like a queen - but wouldn't admit he was seeing.

What am i to Mr. Cigar?  

Well he can take all the time he needs to figure it out, but i'm not hanging around being available for his calls, or texts while he does.

I was crushed last year, felt like i had lost someone very important to me that i was developing strong feelings for....was it because of the intimacy?  at least partially.  But i learned not to invest in someone who was not equally investing in me.  My presence in Mr. Tattoos life wouldn't make or break him, and i could easily be replaced with another situationship.  And i was.

I'm not interested in investing time and developing feelings into someone who doesn't do the same for me. 

Saturday, i had in my head  that i was going to see Mr. Cigar, and when i finally asked him why he wasn't coming over (AGAIN) he gave me the valid excuse that would have been fine if there hadn't been literal HOURS left of daylight.  His headlights are out and he's replacing them this week blah blah blah...Well, there are other alternatives that would make us able to see each other, none of which were thought of by him because HE JUST DIDN"T WANT TO SEE ME Saturday night. Duh.

So....Sunday- my hopeful little heart thinks he will make time for me........and by 1pm in the afternoon (when the realization that he "wasnt seeing anyone"  was divulged) there were no plans in place.  Just an "i'll call you later".  okay buddy.

My Bestie called immediately after and asked me to come to her house, watch a movie we've been wanting to see and have dinner.

I'm embarrassed to say this, but old me would have stayed home licking wounds and feeling bad.  New me decided i've had enough of this shit and went to my besties house and didn't come home till after 9pm.  And you know what?  Had i stayed home waiting for this man, i would have been disappointed, AGAIN. I put entirely too much thought into him. 

Before i left i sent him a message, and told him in a lot more words to shit or get off the pot.  If we weren't dating then we needed to end contact.   And i felt lighter.  No one is going to look out for me in this world of men who can't make choices either way.  They will let you hang around while they wait for someone better, or whatever their reasons are.  

I'm not filler.  I'm not entertainment.  or a safety blanket.  

Get to it, or get out of the way of someone who will. 

Yes, i like him.  I like him a lot.  But not enough to forget myself and my own needs.

So let him take allllll the time he needs to figure out if he wants me in his life (Which i think he has already shown me)  - meanwhile, i'll be living mine.  Not waiting for him to decide.  So, he probably shouldn't take a lot of time - because i DO want to find a man that i want a relationship with and dating is part of that.  And i do have faith that in meeting men i will eventually meet the one i want to explore the future with.  I thought it could be him, but his games and hesitancy are making it obvious he's not the one.  


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