For once

 in my life i don't have to be the good influence, the voice of reason, the support for better choices..........

Saturday night i was home pretty early- he fell asleep as we were watching tv in his recliner (for two)...the man had been up at 4am, been running his ass all day, and then we had dinner together.  He was so tired.  I stayed a while, watching television, cuddled up to him.  Then a big rain storm hit and  the dogs and i stood in the 3 seasons room and watched it, smelled it.  It was so dark out, but the trees, and the rain, and the wind......my favorite.  And the two boys with their noses to the screen right there with me, just watching. I knew my boy, Miyagi, was home sleeping through it.  

He woke briefly a few times, mumbled incoherently about work stuff.  He's always at work in his head.  If i got up he would stir "where are you going?".......finally, as i started to fall asleep i knew i needed to go home.

I wasn't mad, didn't feel hurt, or insulted "I came out here to you and you fell ASLEEP?" because i know he tried his damndest to stay awake.  I offered several times to go, and he said "no, stay" each time.  

It was comfortable.  It was relaxing.  We shared a meal and a quiet evening.  

The next morning he texted "i fell asleep on you"  How can i tell him that his wanting me to stay, being aware i was there, and being able to rest.........it's all part of it.  Part of normal.  

It wasn't a drug induced coma after work.  There's a big difference.

Sunday i was up early, worked out, walked on my walking pad as i watched Handmaids Tale (I'm only allowed to watch it if i'm walking is the deal i made with myself) He called and said thats great cardio, it's not going to help you with balance.  Go outside, walk a mile and call me back.

Could i be mad?  Could i just say i did it and NOT do it?  Could i tell this man, fuck right off?  

I wasn't, i didn't and i didn't.  I laughed, got dressed, and went for a walk.  More than a mile it turns out.  And i was happy to do it.  I feel encouraged, i feel cared about and supported.   I feel awesome when i push myself and to know there is someone there, pushing me along when i lose interest......that feels great too.

And the food prep.  I went to the godawful least favorite thing in my world, the grocery store.  And i purchased fruit, veggies and protein without worrying they will all go bad because i went home and prepped them all, put them into mason jars and made them air tight so they will last all week.  My refrigerator is filled with healthy food i love so i can graze all week.  It's been so difficult to eat because i have lost all interest in food. (the medication) but I have to eat for fuel, and to lose the weight.  Once in a while i get hit with a craving and it's usually cold fruit.  I can't seem to get enough.

My relationship with food is eat it all or not at all.

He food preps every week and during the week not just for himself but for his pups.  Thats a lot of food prep.  I used to make mason jar salads and enjoyed the ease of eating a healthy lunch all week that i didn't have to think about.  He has inspired me to food prep for all my meals, and snacks.  

I was excited to get the groceries home, put on my podcast and get to food prepping.  

He leads by example.

He has health issues and he has adjusted his life to live healthier.  He makes me want to do the same.

Some may roll their eyes (like my dark side is doing) but who benefits from me exercising and eating right?  I do.  Who gets to reap the benefits of feeling awesome?  I do.

And he encourages me. 

Then he smokes his cigar.  LMAO.  Because he is a MAN not a god.  And sometimes he wants pizza.  and he drinks Guinness .......and he makes me laugh my ass off.  Not because i'm intoxicated, or stoned......because i've only been tipsy around him once so far.  He doesn't have to get me fucked up so i relax and loosen up.  I'm doing that.......on my own.  

For once.