Before Facebook

Remember when cheating required a bit of effort?  Before Facebook? and before the internet in general.

I engaged in my own naive flirtations via chat rooms on AOL when it was all new (yes, i'm that old) and the concept that it was live person on the other end still hadn't sunk in for me as a real thing.  But it was a pretty new thing to everyone at the time so no-one really had it mastered like they do now.  You accidentally met someone in a chat room that catered to whatever your interest was and it took off from there.  I didn't even have cell phone at the time so everything was literally on the desktop computer that had dial up line that would tie up your land line phone if you were using it.

If i fell into the temptation of flirtations with random "men" (maybe? who really knows) then, when I had to actually make TIME and EFFORT to indulge, I imagine that growing up with the instant ability to have everyone and anyone at your fingertips, on a cell phone - would be overwhelmingly tempting.  But by then, i was in love.  So everyone else, they were not high on my list of attention.

I'm reality based, surprisingly. Really, I am.  Flesh and blood and with me gets more attention then people on my phone.  I don't always answer, I don't always text back,  I live where i am at that moment.  I wouldn't sit on my cell phone in another room betraying the person who loves me while they cook me dinner by themselves and then allow me to sit at a silent table before running out the door to give attention to someone who is aware i am in a relationship.

So let me get this ugly zit popped so i can get some relief......I kinda hate someone i don't even know.  And i'm really starting to hate someone I love. loved. whatever it is, it truly is a fine line.

When i found out he has known this person all along, throughout our entire relationship he has had contact and the desire for her- just not the chance.......it makes me rage. Fuck him and his fake second class love.  I was so manipulated, and used.....and not first choice, ever.  And fuck me for accepting that.

So now he has her- LUCKY HER.  Seems to me his type always wants what they can't have.  And now, he's gonna have something he supposedly never wanted on top of that.  But he didn't cheat on me........uh uh, nope.  Somewhere around July I'll have my confirmation, or i'll be proven wrong.

Let's say he "refound" her by accidental meeting and realized he just had to have her.  So be broke up with me and then asked her out, she said yes and BOOM shit happened.  Would that make me feel better? Probably not honestly.  I'd still be hurt and mourning but i think I would respect his hard decision and acknowledgement of feelings for someone else.  I would respect his risk in letting go of what he had,to pursue what he might not actually get.

And i don't believe for a hot second that is what happened.  I think he had that bird in hand well before he let me go.

She has a home that is paid off, a good job, and he is moving in after "two months".  Moving on up.  Again, LUCKY HER.  I know she's younger, i know she's probably skinnier and maybe she's prettier.  But she is NOT smarter.  He thought he had a "short leash" with me..........HAHAHAHAAHA  oh sweetheart, you are in for it.  And i can't say i'm unhappy about it.

I'm bitter and ugly about it.  I loved our life, our home, our friends.  I put all of myself into it.  I made my family his family and his family my family.   He stopped putting any effort into us, stopped caring if we were happy, and balls out refused to do anything about it.  He already had his mind set on someone else and what we had was just done.  just like that.  No we weren't happy.  But i was beating my head against a wall trying to make it better and he didn't lift a finger to help.  It takes two people invested in making it work to make it work.  And it's not always happy, or easy, or fun.  Thats REAL.
So i hope she likes doing the heavy lifting.  Because once that shine dulls - it's gonna be on her.  I hope she never fully invests in him because that will be the death toll of their relationship.  He doesn't want what he can have.  He doesn't think he deserves it or that he can keep it.  So he just gives up.  I know him.  All of him, the good, the bad and the moody.  And i loved him completely and faithfully yet
You were able to take him.  Remember that.

I truly hope he loves HER completely and deeply and that this was a fairy tale story and i happened to be the casualty. That would make it worth all this pain and ugliness i feel inside right now.  Eventually i will be better.  Eventually he will be stored away in my memories of "people who gave up on me".......with everyone else that has, BUT there are so many more that HAVEN'T.  This is my last obligation to him, to let it go.  I've let him go - but all these feelings need to go too.  OUT.  be done.

I'm working on it.

It doesn't hurt

....as frequently any more however it still manages to steal my breath when the memories have time to make their way into my thoughts.

I scold myself, remind myself that talking, texting, even THINKING of him brings me nothing but pain and yet......the thoughts are there.

I've managed to stop all communication. Now the thoughts....the good ones being the worst for my mood, my stability -Which I barely manage to cling to.

He deserves no thoughts of mine. And pain passes is it doesn't kill you. I must learn to not mind the pain. One day I will wake up and remember that I have forgotten him. I know this to be true.

The very thought of not loving him anymore sends me into a downward spiral that teaches me love is not kind.  Only the love of my children has never been regretted...that one great love of my life yet to make its appearance.

just see what happens

I can't say half of what i'm thinking because i don't want to.  I don't want to put "it" out there for anyone else right not.  Maybe never.

I know what i'm talking about, i will remember and even though this is a blog, it is for me first.  My memory generally sucks.  Until i start remembering things i chose to not remember.

like finding a condom in someones wallet.  And it wasn't my kid.  Why, why why didn't i just walk away then?  Because i needed to learn my lesson.  Because it's what has brought me here, now.

Because now i am more comfortable being me in any situation than I ever have been and that makes me feel lighter, happier.  I'm happy.  Who would have expected that?

Yes, i'm sad about losing what i thought was a forever relationship- but i gotta say, the relief i felt the other day when he got kinda bitchy over text..it was wonderful.  I don't have to care if he's moody or pissed off any more.  Not my deal.  Carry on soldier.  Tell it to your new girl.  I don't have to EVER AGAIN deal with a grumpy miserable man taking his shit out on me on any given day or moment.

Sweet release.

Of course i care.  Of course i love him still.  I always will.  I know this.  But I also know that I don't want that relationship with him any more than he ever did.  After all these years of trying to find the clue as to "why" I wasn't enough ...........I was enough.  He just simply didn't return it.  He cared for me, but I was throwing way more emotion than he wanted from me.  And i finally understand.

Here's the thing.  You can't accept someones love and affection just to satisfy your own needs, without consideration for theirs.  That's kind of an asshole move.

What you CAN do, is be open to returning those feelings.  And if you can't, you need to be a good person and be honest about that.  Don't use someones love for you as a reason to stay with them.  They deserve the same.  It took him 13 years to give up my adoration for him.  But as i said, i think I needed that lesson.

Because now i find myself in a situation that i never expected.  If someone had told me this was going to happen i would never have believed them.  But it is, and i'm letting it, and i'm having a good time. A great time.  I've found yet another part of me that has much bigger balls than i expected.  I like her.  I want to get to know her better.

My turn for a married man

I had a feeling, so i went with it and entered the phone number of the man I'm supposed to go on a date with Saturday into facebook.

A friend taught me that trick about a year ago and let me tell you, it's been invaluable for information- and seeing through bullshit.  At least this time, the truth didn't break my heart.

Well there he was, with a very recently updated facebook page that announces he is the husband of...well, his wife. No mistake.  That's his name, his face, his lie. 

Nice.  Very nice.  A friend of mine suggests that I ask him about it, another wants me to confront him - yet my inclination is to cancel the date with a transparent excuse and move along.  I have nothing invested in this person.  He isn't going to get another minute of my time to waste with more bullshit lies.  

It's the cosmos redirecting my energy back to myself, and telling me to stop trying to find someone to fill this empty space inside me.  It just hurts.  All the love i have for my ex, caged and thrown into the deep end.  But i have to keep on going, smiling, functioning, showing up.......adulting.  Sometimes i want to scream and beg and tell him that it's enough already, stop.  Just fix what you need to fix and come back to me.  But it was all a lie.  I don't want what we gave up - i want what we didn't have.   

I tell the truth.  To the point that i'm an idiot for telling the truth.   I've spent too much of my life accepting lies because the truth was too messy.  I won't do it anymore.  I'm not stupid, i'm not blind, and i'm not desperate for a man.  I accepted lies because to not accept them would mean to lose a man i loved.  And i lost him anyways.  So fuck that.  No more lies.  Ever.

I'm so mad and disillusioned and deflated and just tired.  I want to go to bed and sleep for months, let my dreams deal with my life.  I'm tired of bursting out crying with no warning.  

So put on that music, MB and sing along till the tears dry and the feeling passes.  Don't get upset about things you can't change and don't tell off strange married men that don't matter.  Save your passion for someone who actually wants and deserves it.  Yourself.  

Pink Floyd way back when

Driving again, radio on again and so of course lots of thinking.  Or remembering.  Pink Floyd on the radio, pouring rain, dark skies, interior of my cars counsel glowing warmly ..and i have a good memory of the ex husband.

Its funny to me because every time i have a good memory of him, i say it out loud "i found a good memory!" which vindicates me and my youthful bad judgement that lasted well into adulthood.  I laughed this time too.  And smiled even.  Holy shit, it's a miracle.

He was graduated, i was a junior in high school- we liked to lock the door of his bedroom, turn out the lights, light a candle, turn on the blue light for the posters on the wall and turn on Pink FLoyd.......light up a joint, along with the incense (because THAT wasn't a dead giveaway) and smoke. And listen to the music.  And have hours upon hours of making out.  hours.

Those were the days people......not a care in the world, just good tunes and hormones.

Oh Pink Floyd...........how many times did i use "the wall" as an excuse to stay out after curfew?  It played during midnight madness at the West Farms mall when the mall actually had a movie theater. We did actually see it a couple of times, but mostly we played the tape in the Dodge Dart and made out in the parking lot.  The windows would steam up.......good times.  Little talking.

I have a little history with parking lots apparently.  ugh.  But i digress.

Thank you Pink Floyd for the company on the ride home today and the memories that album brought to mind.  It's been a long time since i could listen the them without feeling a little bit ill.  Music does that to me, calls forth all the feelings.  This time i let it. It was nice to re-visit some pleasurable times when love was simple and being kissed all night was enough.

Let's just remember why

Yesterday I'm taking a long drive and enjoying the radio when my brain starts to do that thing again, thinking too much.  "remember when he....and how he....and oh, how i miss him because....." and THEN another voice said "Can we also just remember that he was a dick to you?"

That's the new voice.  The one that asks why, when someone dies - does everyone make them a saint all of a sudden?  They never did ANY wrong.  Ever.  Isn't it the same thing when a relationship dies?  All we do is think about the good things, all the the halfway decent things .....and we conveniently forget the things that eventually led up to the breakup.

Yes, he did loving things for me sometimes.  Not consistently and not all the time - when it benefited him.  When it got his ass out of the fire.  When he felt bad about knowing he was about to make me feel bad.  And SOMETIMES, he may have done loving things for me because he loved me.  But it had gotten to the point that every time he went out of his way to do something nice for me I would have to wonder what shit storm was about to hit.  Isn't that sad?  Yet, it's true.

Yes, once in a while he would remember and celebrate my birthday, but mostly not.  A few Christmas's I was given very nice presents and one I was given a card with $5.  I think he thought it was funny.  It wasn't. Valentines day?  Once he gave me a diamond necklace that i wore for years.  Other than that I was lucky if i got a card, most of the time i didn't.  Our anniversary?  Not once.  It got to the point where i even forgot our anniversary because I knew we wouldn't celebrate it and it would hurt to know it never mattered to him.

Am i materialistic?  No.  But I do enjoy celebrating, i do enjoy feeling special by being acknowledged in some way, i do want to mark the time spent with my loved one as being something to be a good thing.  Something.  Sing me a love song, write me a note, dance me around the kitchen.......free, free, free.    None of these things.  Just "i'm an asshole" as an excuse.  How sad.

Yes, he gifted me with an outstanding Kayak.  Yes, he gave me things that he thought i would like when he came across them.  Yes, he would pick up special items only I ate or drank at the grocery store.  Yes, he would bring the heavy items down the stairs (or up) if I asked him to.  He did the shoveling, the lawn mowing, the taking care of the outside chores, the garbage.  He chopped wood, stacked it and lugged it into the basement to burn all winter.  He kept the fire going.  He kept the house warm.  He unclogged the toilets and drains.  He brought the heavy bedframe that I had wanted home and set it up.  He took it down and moved it for me when i moved out as well.  He brought home furniture he thought i would want.  He did all these things, and more.  I didn't not notice, i didn't not appreciate.

What i didn't appreciate was his smoking in our bed when i repeatedly asked him not to. I quit smoking a few years ago and i am acutely aware of the smell.  He would lie to my face like i was an idiot.  He just didn't give a shit that it really tortured me.  He didn't care that my struggle to not smoke is sometimes very real, and that he was basically paving the path for me to begin again.  The ash all over the bed he got for me.......all over the floor, fucking everywhere.  I felt like he was literally shitting in my mouth.  But i guess he needed to smoke in bed more than i needed to stay quit.

Or the regular man things - like leaving dishes all over the kitchen, tracking mud through the house, throwing his garbage on the floor for me to pick up.  Dinner time was me making dinner by myself while he sat in the living room or on the deck on his phone.  Eating it was me trying to make conversation and him barely giving me yes no answers until he was finished, at which time he would get up and leave the table whether i was done or not.  So many nights i finished eating alone. And he would leave his dishes for me to clear, and wash.......again, by myself while he was on his phone somewhere else.  That was our time together by the end.  Shortly after dinner he would be out the door, going to wherever it was that night, only to return after i had been asleep for hours.  First it was garage night on Thursdays, then he added Darts on Tuesdays, then he added Band room on Fridays- which was added after he had been going to the warehouse on Saturdays.......and by the end he was leaving for band room on Mondays and Wednesdays to "hang out".........that left me, alone every night but Sunday, which we spent at our friends house.

"all you ever do is bitch about how we don't spend time together"   Let me hear those words ever again from anyone.  I won't even explain my removal from their life.

How about every time i tried to talk to him about the narrow one way road we seemed to be on, he would get so angry and loud.  Threaten to break shit.  DID break shit.  He became so predictable that I knew all i had to do was start a conversation with him and he would be out the door in five minutes........convenient when i wanted him out.    He would use any reason to get angry and leave.

And yet, I stayed.  Because long term relationships are more than just the two people in it - there are friends, family, traditions - all of that explodes when couples break up.  That's been my experience.

I loved him.  Still love him.  Not what we became together, not his laziness and cop out attitude when it came to our relationship.  Not his tendency to treat me like i was his mother, or some authority to fight.  He got mad at ME when he had to pay bills.  Like i was thrilled about paying bills myself.  

I let it happen because i wanted to be needed.  Needed to be needed.  I get that.  I thought his free spirit would compliment my responsible and boring.

I knew he wouldn't be able and wouldn't want to take care of me when i got older, if i ever got really sick.  That was the worst part.  I knew i was on borrowed time a lot longer than he knew he didn't want to be with me anymore.  Maybe that makes me pathetic but that kind of love doesn't have to go both ways.  I know this first hand.

My conclusion is that he loved me the best he knew how and with as little effort as possible.  And maybe that will be enough for someone else.  I hope so - because i wish him well.  I want him to be happy as much as I want to be happy.