Yesterday I'm taking a long drive and enjoying the radio when my brain starts to do that thing again, thinking too much. "remember when he....and how he....and oh, how i miss him because....." and THEN another voice said "Can we also just remember that he was a dick to you?"
That's the new voice. The one that asks why, when someone dies - does everyone make them a saint all of a sudden? They never did ANY wrong. Ever. Isn't it the same thing when a relationship dies? All we do is think about the good things, all the the halfway decent things .....and we conveniently forget the things that eventually led up to the breakup.
Yes, he did loving things for me sometimes. Not consistently and not all the time - when it benefited him. When it got his ass out of the fire. When he felt bad about knowing he was about to make me feel bad. And SOMETIMES, he may have done loving things for me because he loved me. But it had gotten to the point that every time he went out of his way to do something nice for me I would have to wonder what shit storm was about to hit. Isn't that sad? Yet, it's true.
Yes, once in a while he would remember and celebrate my birthday, but mostly not. A few Christmas's I was given very nice presents and one I was given a card with $5. I think he thought it was funny. It wasn't. Valentines day? Once he gave me a diamond necklace that i wore for years. Other than that I was lucky if i got a card, most of the time i didn't. Our anniversary? Not once. It got to the point where i even forgot our anniversary because I knew we wouldn't celebrate it and it would hurt to know it never mattered to him.
Am i materialistic? No. But I do enjoy celebrating, i do enjoy feeling special by being acknowledged in some way, i do want to mark the time spent with my loved one as being something to be a good thing. Something. Sing me a love song, write me a note, dance me around the kitchen.......free, free, free. None of these things. Just "i'm an asshole" as an excuse. How sad.
Yes, he gifted me with an outstanding Kayak. Yes, he gave me things that he thought i would like when he came across them. Yes, he would pick up special items only I ate or drank at the grocery store. Yes, he would bring the heavy items down the stairs (or up) if I asked him to. He did the shoveling, the lawn mowing, the taking care of the outside chores, the garbage. He chopped wood, stacked it and lugged it into the basement to burn all winter. He kept the fire going. He kept the house warm. He unclogged the toilets and drains. He brought the heavy bedframe that I had wanted home and set it up. He took it down and moved it for me when i moved out as well. He brought home furniture he thought i would want. He did all these things, and more. I didn't not notice, i didn't not appreciate.
What i didn't appreciate was his smoking in our bed when i repeatedly asked him not to. I quit smoking a few years ago and i am acutely aware of the smell. He would lie to my face like i was an idiot. He just didn't give a shit that it really tortured me. He didn't care that my struggle to not smoke is sometimes very real, and that he was basically paving the path for me to begin again. The ash all over the bed he got for me.......all over the floor, fucking everywhere. I felt like he was literally shitting in my mouth. But i guess he needed to smoke in bed more than i needed to stay quit.
Or the regular man things - like leaving dishes all over the kitchen, tracking mud through the house, throwing his garbage on the floor for me to pick up. Dinner time was me making dinner by myself while he sat in the living room or on the deck on his phone. Eating it was me trying to make conversation and him barely giving me yes no answers until he was finished, at which time he would get up and leave the table whether i was done or not. So many nights i finished eating alone. And he would leave his dishes for me to clear, and wash.......again, by myself while he was on his phone somewhere else. That was our time together by the end. Shortly after dinner he would be out the door, going to wherever it was that night, only to return after i had been asleep for hours. First it was garage night on Thursdays, then he added Darts on Tuesdays, then he added Band room on Fridays- which was added after he had been going to the warehouse on Saturdays.......and by the end he was leaving for band room on Mondays and Wednesdays to "hang out".........that left me, alone every night but Sunday, which we spent at our friends house.
"all you ever do is bitch about how we don't spend time together" Let me hear those words ever again from anyone. I won't even explain my removal from their life.
How about every time i tried to talk to him about the narrow one way road we seemed to be on, he would get so angry and loud. Threaten to break shit. DID break shit. He became so predictable that I knew all i had to do was start a conversation with him and he would be out the door in five minutes........convenient when i wanted him out. He would use any reason to get angry and leave.
And yet, I stayed. Because long term relationships are more than just the two people in it - there are friends, family, traditions - all of that explodes when couples break up. That's been my experience.
I loved him. Still love him. Not what we became together, not his laziness and cop out attitude when it came to our relationship. Not his tendency to treat me like i was his mother, or some authority to fight. He got mad at ME when he had to pay bills. Like i was thrilled about paying bills myself.
I let it happen because i wanted to be needed. Needed to be needed. I get that. I thought his free spirit would compliment my responsible and boring.
I knew he wouldn't be able and wouldn't want to take care of me when i got older, if i ever got really sick. That was the worst part. I knew i was on borrowed time a lot longer than he knew he didn't want to be with me anymore. Maybe that makes me pathetic but that kind of love doesn't have to go both ways. I know this first hand.
My conclusion is that he loved me the best he knew how and with as little effort as possible. And maybe that will be enough for someone else. I hope so - because i wish him well. I want him to be happy as much as I want to be happy.
That's the new voice. The one that asks why, when someone dies - does everyone make them a saint all of a sudden? They never did ANY wrong. Ever. Isn't it the same thing when a relationship dies? All we do is think about the good things, all the the halfway decent things .....and we conveniently forget the things that eventually led up to the breakup.
Yes, he did loving things for me sometimes. Not consistently and not all the time - when it benefited him. When it got his ass out of the fire. When he felt bad about knowing he was about to make me feel bad. And SOMETIMES, he may have done loving things for me because he loved me. But it had gotten to the point that every time he went out of his way to do something nice for me I would have to wonder what shit storm was about to hit. Isn't that sad? Yet, it's true.
Yes, once in a while he would remember and celebrate my birthday, but mostly not. A few Christmas's I was given very nice presents and one I was given a card with $5. I think he thought it was funny. It wasn't. Valentines day? Once he gave me a diamond necklace that i wore for years. Other than that I was lucky if i got a card, most of the time i didn't. Our anniversary? Not once. It got to the point where i even forgot our anniversary because I knew we wouldn't celebrate it and it would hurt to know it never mattered to him.
Am i materialistic? No. But I do enjoy celebrating, i do enjoy feeling special by being acknowledged in some way, i do want to mark the time spent with my loved one as being something to be a good thing. Something. Sing me a love song, write me a note, dance me around the kitchen.......free, free, free. None of these things. Just "i'm an asshole" as an excuse. How sad.
Yes, he gifted me with an outstanding Kayak. Yes, he gave me things that he thought i would like when he came across them. Yes, he would pick up special items only I ate or drank at the grocery store. Yes, he would bring the heavy items down the stairs (or up) if I asked him to. He did the shoveling, the lawn mowing, the taking care of the outside chores, the garbage. He chopped wood, stacked it and lugged it into the basement to burn all winter. He kept the fire going. He kept the house warm. He unclogged the toilets and drains. He brought the heavy bedframe that I had wanted home and set it up. He took it down and moved it for me when i moved out as well. He brought home furniture he thought i would want. He did all these things, and more. I didn't not notice, i didn't not appreciate.
What i didn't appreciate was his smoking in our bed when i repeatedly asked him not to. I quit smoking a few years ago and i am acutely aware of the smell. He would lie to my face like i was an idiot. He just didn't give a shit that it really tortured me. He didn't care that my struggle to not smoke is sometimes very real, and that he was basically paving the path for me to begin again. The ash all over the bed he got for me.......all over the floor, fucking everywhere. I felt like he was literally shitting in my mouth. But i guess he needed to smoke in bed more than i needed to stay quit.
Or the regular man things - like leaving dishes all over the kitchen, tracking mud through the house, throwing his garbage on the floor for me to pick up. Dinner time was me making dinner by myself while he sat in the living room or on the deck on his phone. Eating it was me trying to make conversation and him barely giving me yes no answers until he was finished, at which time he would get up and leave the table whether i was done or not. So many nights i finished eating alone. And he would leave his dishes for me to clear, and wash.......again, by myself while he was on his phone somewhere else. That was our time together by the end. Shortly after dinner he would be out the door, going to wherever it was that night, only to return after i had been asleep for hours. First it was garage night on Thursdays, then he added Darts on Tuesdays, then he added Band room on Fridays- which was added after he had been going to the warehouse on Saturdays.......and by the end he was leaving for band room on Mondays and Wednesdays to "hang out".........that left me, alone every night but Sunday, which we spent at our friends house.
"all you ever do is bitch about how we don't spend time together" Let me hear those words ever again from anyone. I won't even explain my removal from their life.
How about every time i tried to talk to him about the narrow one way road we seemed to be on, he would get so angry and loud. Threaten to break shit. DID break shit. He became so predictable that I knew all i had to do was start a conversation with him and he would be out the door in five minutes........convenient when i wanted him out. He would use any reason to get angry and leave.
And yet, I stayed. Because long term relationships are more than just the two people in it - there are friends, family, traditions - all of that explodes when couples break up. That's been my experience.
I loved him. Still love him. Not what we became together, not his laziness and cop out attitude when it came to our relationship. Not his tendency to treat me like i was his mother, or some authority to fight. He got mad at ME when he had to pay bills. Like i was thrilled about paying bills myself.
I let it happen because i wanted to be needed. Needed to be needed. I get that. I thought his free spirit would compliment my responsible and boring.
I knew he wouldn't be able and wouldn't want to take care of me when i got older, if i ever got really sick. That was the worst part. I knew i was on borrowed time a lot longer than he knew he didn't want to be with me anymore. Maybe that makes me pathetic but that kind of love doesn't have to go both ways. I know this first hand.
My conclusion is that he loved me the best he knew how and with as little effort as possible. And maybe that will be enough for someone else. I hope so - because i wish him well. I want him to be happy as much as I want to be happy.
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