Chat GPT therapist

 You want to find something out about yourself?  

Ask Chat GPT: 

Could you ask me 10 questions about my relationship with my ex (name). I would like to unpack themes of greed selfishness and anything else I may not have thought of but that you may have recognized as a pattern. Please ask me the 10 questions one at a time so I can give an answer. Once i have given the 10th answer please break down for me what my answers may mean and help me to understand my psychology around the situation as well as reasons i may have attracted him into my life as a teacher. I need you to be very honest on this and do not try to spare my feelings. I need the truth.

I didn't create this query, i literally copied it and entered it into Chat GPT.

I'm not going to show the questions it asked, or what my answers were because that seems like too much, even to me.  It's more than i want to share.  BUT i will share the answers it gave me because.....wow.  Just WOW.

I almost want to send it to him but i won't.  Why? We are so far past our relationship. All i wanted was to know more about why i didn't do what i needed to do when i knew i needed to do it.  Snese?  Here goes:

Thank you for your honesty and willingness to unpack these difficult feelings. Now, let’s break this down:

1. Themes of Greed and Selfishness:
   You mentioned that name consistently took care of his own needs, even at the expense of yours, financially and emotionally. This suggests a dynamic where he likely didn't feel responsible for your well-being, and it was more about his comfort. You, on the other hand, were overgiving, which indicates that your value in the relationship may have been tied to how much you could give, rather than being accepted for who you are.
2. Justification for Staying:
   You justified staying because you believed you could "fix" him or at least be the person who showed him he was worth it. This speaks to a sense of hope for change, but also a fear of being alone or not being able to make things work. It's a classic pattern of over-responsibility, where you felt like his actions (or lack thereof) were a reflection of how you weren’t enough—when in reality, his actions were a reflection of his character.
3. Emotional Shutdown and Lack of Communication:
   His defensiveness when you communicated your needs left you feeling unheard, and you then responded by shutting down. This cycle is a hallmark of emotional avoidance and a fear of conflict. You may have avoided confrontation to protect yourself, but in doing so, you also avoided addressing the core issues that were slowly eroding the relationship. In a sense, you were both emotionally checked out but didn’t know how to admit it.
4. Proving Your Worth Through Sacrifice:
   You sacrificed your own needs to cater to him, hoping that by doing so, he would value you. This suggests people-pleasing behavior rooted in a lack of self-worth. When you feel that your worth depends on what you give or how well you serve others, you often fall into a pattern of overcompensating. The problem is, people who are emotionally unavailable or self-centered (like name) won’t recognize or appreciate your efforts.
5. Unacknowledged Efforts:
   The fact that he didn’t care about the things you did for him must have been a crushing realization. But the deeper issue is that you were doing these things not for him, but because you believed it was your duty or because you thought these gestures would earn you love and appreciation. This underscores how unconditional love for yourself was missing in the relationship—only conditional love was allowed in the form of actions.
6. Staying Despite Feeling Hopeless:
   You stayed in the relationship because you feared failure and feared that if you left, he might improve with someone else. This indicates a fear of abandonment and low self-esteem. You stayed in a stagnant relationship out of fear of change, even though you knew deep down it wasn’t fulfilling. This is a form of self-sabotage where the fear of the unknown becomes stronger than the pain of the current situation.
7. Codependency and Fear of Leaving:
   Your recognition of codependency is key. You were enmeshed in a dynamic where you needed him to love you, and you thought that meant sacrificing yourself. This also suggests that you didn’t feel capable of standing on your own, and that your identity may have been tied to the relationship. You feared he would become a "better" man for someone else, which reinforces the idea that you didn’t feel deserving of someone who could give you what you needed.
8. Unmet Needs and Ignoring Red Flags:
   Ignoring red flags to avoid facing the truth was a form of denial. You didn’t want to confront the reality of the relationship, which often happens in codependent dynamics. It’s easier to ignore the problem and stay comfortable than to face the emotional pain of change and the possibility of being alone.

---

Psychology of the Situation:

You likely attracted name because, at a deeper level, you may have subconsciously been drawn to someone who mirrored your own insecurities and unhealed wounds. The relationship reflected a pattern of giving to receive love, not feeling worthy of receiving love unconditionally, and struggling with boundaries and self-worth.

The dynamics suggest that codependency and fear of abandonment were strong driving forces. You stayed because you believed your worth depended on how much you could give, rather than on who you truly were. This dynamic is common for individuals who have experienced patterns of emotional neglect or abandonment in childhood or previous relationships.

Your behavior was likely shaped by past experiences that made you feel like love had to be earned through sacrifice or that your own needs were secondary. The fear that name might become "better" for someone else reflects a deep-seated fear of inadequacy and rejection. This fear could have been internalized, causing you to doubt your own value.

---

Why You Attracted Him:

Name may have shown up in your life as a mirror for your own unhealed emotional patterns. Often, we attract relationships that challenge us to confront what we need to heal—whether that’s worthiness, independence, or boundaries. He might have shown you where you needed to work on your self-esteem and stop overgiving to gain love. He may have been your teacher in helping you realize that true love starts with self-love.

---

Next Steps for Healing:

1. Set Healthy Boundaries: Recognize your worth and learn to assert your needs. Start practicing saying "no" and placing your own well-being first.
2. Self-Worth Work: Focus on cultivating unconditional self-love. Work on affirming your value without needing external validation.
3. Let Go of Codependency: Break the pattern of people-pleasing. Understand that your happiness doesn’t rely on anyone else.
4. Embrace Change: Understand that you deserve a relationship where both parties are emotionally available, responsible, and willing to give and receive love in equal measure.

You’ve already taken a huge step by recognizing these patterns. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you heal from this. You are worthy of a love that is mutual, fulfilling, and deeply respectful of your needs.

FB dating

 I'm way behind on my goal to have 52 first dates this year or until i find the love of my life.

Yes.  Thats the goal.

I figure after a year of this "trying" by saying "yes" to men that ask me out, I can never look back and say i didn't give it my best shot.

Because after this year, i'm off the hook.

I said i'd say "yes" to new dates, not that i would settle.

Okay, that said - still yapping with Mr. Music and one of my conversations on FB dating has moved to text with yet another musician. I'll call him New York, because that's where he lives.

He got me with Lemmy. 

Cool to talk to, but he's another metal guy and doesnt seem to be sweet AT ALL.  He's what you'd expect i guess.  His facebook is all "fuck off" and "I don't care about your feelings"....Greeeaaaaatttttt.  I mean he seems very nice so far, but..........we'll see.

I'm really over the bad attitude guys.  But at the same time, i'm not into passive men either.  

My algorithm must be all rockers.  The guys that "like" me look like they live in their mothers basement.  

If i can manage to live on my own and take care of myself then i expect that from any man i would date.  I don't think that's setting the bar too high. 

Getting together with friends again this weekend for a shenanigans gathering.  We are eating corned beef and cabbage and shepherds pie along with all the other stuff. 

Corned beef isn't from Ireland.  It's what the Irish immigrants could afford to eat when they moved to the USA.  It was the cheapest cut of meat you could get. Just like pigs feet and collards- soul food comes from slaves in the south- they made the best of what they got which was the leftovers. 

I'm wondering what mexican food will be the favorite "traditional" dish in the future?  or Haitian? Pakistani? All the groups of people we disparage now, treat like they are less than us, what food will we associate with them once we start hating someone else instead?

Iceland is looking really good to me lately.  

give me more

 It has occurred to me that every time i started talking to a new guy i would develop new interests.  HOWEVER, the older i get the more i gravitate towards men who share the interests i already have.

Reading

Music

Thrifting

Creating

Food

Movies

Thats pretty much it in a nutshell.  I'd go crazy if i couldn't read.  I've been trying to be consistent in writing even though it's not about anything in particular.  More of a free flow to keep my brain oiled.  I don't have the kind of stories i read...in my head.  I could never create a fictional world and people.  I'm not that open minded which i think you would need to be in order to consider the scenarios that keep me glued to the page.

I value other peoples talent because i know i lack it.

I can't play any musical instruments, and i sure as HELL can't sing.......yet i can't live without music.  Every day.  Always different depending on the mood.  When i find a "new"band that has been around for 15 years it tickles me.  i'm always behind.  but i catch up.  All of a sudden i'm streaming Violent Femmes like they just appeared.  I think certain music comes to you when you need it.  Your subconscious picks up on it and you finally take notice.

Or someone introduces you to a sound you like.

Thrifting used to be a necessity for me because i couldn't afford clothes for work.  It started with consignment and then moved to thrifting.  Over the years i kept it up because i used to be an assistant buyer and i know how much all this shit is marked up.  I couldn't go to the mall and buy brand new without feeling like a sucker.  So i continued thrifting.  

This year, any gifts i buy (and that is really rare now) will be thrifted, or made.  It's fun to browse through the thrift shops and see something i know someone in my life will find funny or love.  It's a treasure hunt and it's more fun doing it for others than for myself.  AND i can then afford to buy gifts.

So win win.  2025 I will be celebrating birthdays and holidays.  Because it's fun to think about other people and have them smile or laugh when I present them with their gift.  

Oh, and also, no need to wait for birthdays or holidays which i refuse to be confined by.  

I also find items that i can flip, or i can use in one of my projects.  I've been tearing up magazines and making coils for about a year or more and i thought i knew what i was going to do but now i have a different idea.  I also do adult coloring (meditation) and diamond painting which is also mediation because it's just for the sake of doing.  I have water colors i play with, and multiple other projects that are not complete but are rolling around in my brain.  

Food- always an issue for me.  I eat too much, or not enough.  Im in the not enough stage because i'm just not hungry EVER on this medication.  So i force protein down my throat as much as possible and i finally made the realization that any kind of sugary foods make me feel nauseous.  I've started to shed the pounds and it feels good when my pants slip on instead of me having to wiggle into them.  I've got a long way to go until i feel like i'm where i should be.  but it's all about the journey.  I love myself right now in this moment and all i'm doing is improving.  So with that said, protein drinks are awful so i've been actually cooking for just myself.  Nothing fancy but i have been trying new recipes and experimenting.  I used to feel like cooking for just myself wasn't worth all the work - but since i eat so little now, i want what i do eat to be fabulous.  okay, tasty.  

Movies- When i was in highschool I was living with my now ex husbands family.  I was 16 and homeless after my mother literally locked me out of the house with wet hair and no shoes on my feet.  She told family i ran away because she knew they would be pissed.  However, later when i contacted them all they said was "go home"....and didn't believe that social workers had tried and failed to have my mother take me back.  Back then, no one knew what to do with me.  I wasn't pregnant so i didn't qualify for any programs.  Basically it was "too bad kid, good luck" from every adult in my life.  His family took me in.  I'm grateful to this day because who knows what would have become of me?  I sure wouldn't have graduated.  There WAS a price to pay, don't think there wasn't.  My life then could BE a movie.

I would spend hours and hours watching movies.  I went to school, went to my part time job and went home where i would watch movies with my ex's younger brother.  My ex is older than i am and he had an adult job, although still living at home.  VHS and BETA had just become popular and we would RENT a VHS player and a bunch of movies and i would spend all my time watching them when i was "home".  I read, watched movies, and basically tried to fly below the radar so i didn't lose my roof.  Oh and i babysat their son, my ex.  Thats a different story.

Even now, i love spending an entire day with movies on.  If i'm cleaning i'll put on a movie i've seen mulitple times just to keep me company (if i'm not listening to an audiobook or podcast)..when i can't sleep i'll put on a comforting old movie so i can listen to it  but not have to watch.  On days where i feel like i can't manage people, i watch movies.  Or when i'm sad.  Or bitchy.  I can always tell how my life is going based on how many movies i've watched recently.  

So it's nice to meet people, not just men, that share these interests.  They aren't crazy, or expensive.  They are pretty typical.  When someone can introduce me to something new within those categories.....i love them a little.  

 

Books

 I can tell when an emotional storm is coming because i start to get antsy and can't get interested in activities that normally i find enjoyable.

Yesterday i downloaded and then deleted 6 books on audio from the library.  Each one i tried to listen couldn't keep me paying attention.  I always have an audio book going - i listen to that, or podcasts while i'm multitasking.  Today, i am audioless.

I always have a book i'm reading as well.  And lately, i haven't been finishing them again.  I start, put it down, fall asleep or get involved elsewhere.  I know i'm not into a book when i keep putting it down.  Most of my reads are on a kindle now (but i'm considering giving it up) and when i'm into a book, i carry the kindle around with me to keep reading at any opportunity.

Haven't had that in a bit.  I feel naked without stories.  Without escapes.  But i can't seem to catch one that will keep me.

I'll keep trying and i'll get back on track.  One thing i don't do anymore is force myself to continue on with a story that can't hold my attention.  There are so many that DO, and those are the ones i need to find.  Can't do that while i'm forcing myself to read something others think is wonderful.

Today i'll be browsing because i simply can't live without an audio in the car.  I did start another book yesterday - Fairydale.  We'll see.  It's not really my area of interest but.....well, since that seems to have dried up for the moment we are going to try this one.

Not too deep.  Not too upsetting.  Very demure.  

The conversation continues with Mr. Music.  He is very sweet which is a little surprising considering.  I don't know why i expect metal heads to be ....not sweet.  Probably get it all out in their music.  He suffers from depression as well, so we have discussed that.  I don't wish it on anyone but it's nice when I can talk with someone who truly understands the feeling.  We are both functional.  LOL

Well thats good.  

Happy Monday

I had friends over this weekend for a mini intervention.  Usually  i spend the weekend at their house, but one of our friends was in crisis....again....so we had it at my place this time.

It's hard to watch your old self in someone else.  Because you know the outcome already.  And you know she will be hurt, but you ALSO know it will probably be the best thing to ever happen to her.

I'm talking about being with a man who is only with you for as long as you fill a role he needs filled- that you THINK you are madly in love until it ends and you realize you were in it and he always had his foot out the door.

Only this one is even more complicated because they are polyamorous. Well, he is.  She only is because thats how she manages to stay in his orbit.  It's always a lot of tears and upset.  Its one of those dramatic relationships, where he quietly sets her off and then acts like she's crazy when she responds.  I won't trash him, but i'm familiar with the type.  

Bottom line is she needs to know she is worth more than she is accepting. And he will end up leaving her when he's sucked the last bit of life from her, and he will feel justified and guilt free because he "told her".

The long and short of it is I asked her a few pointed questions and she didn't like her responses...so of course there were tears.  And validating his behavior.  And taking blame for "her part".  

Uh huh.

Been there too.

It's amazing what a little self worth and faith in yourself to actually take care of yourself can do.  You don't fall for this kind of bullshit anymore.

It also makes it difficult to find someone you trust to let into your world.  The disruption must be worth it.

So big sleepover saturday night, and then yesterday we went to a few indoor flea markets and had fancy omelets before they dropped me back off at home around 4pm.  

I found such good stuff.  Only a coat i've been wanting for years, and one book for me.  But I spotted a few very cool meaningful gifts for other people in my life.   It's so much fun to browse around and then see something you KNOW someone in your life would love or find sentimental.  Shopping this way is so much better than ordering on amazon.  It's a treasure hunt.

I started early this year.  By the time birthdays and holidays roll around i'll be dancing with excitement to see if the giftee is as excited as i was to find these items for them.

Also, going to meet up with Mr. Music and have a chit chat in person. I was supposed to meet him at a gig but I told him i'm a horrible groupie.   I don't get all swooney over bands.  I do enjoy the music quite a bit but you aren't going to ever find me dancing in front of the band or getting all sloppy over them.   Turns out he's very close to someone we have in common so I feel pretty good about being safe.  Besides our conversations have been more on the deeper side, rather than flirty.  But there is the flirty element.  Just a different experience for me.  I'm enjoying it so far.

why though

 Yesterday i got a message from a man i dated very briefly last fall.  The one from Old Saybrook with the  house, boat, bike and sketchy job situation.  Very blond, which is not usually my thing but remember ....i'm trying to date differently.

He was a total flake and while i didn't think he was married it seemed like there was definitely something going on somewhere with someone.

Normally i would expect that, but he was another on insisting he was only talking to/seeing me.  I never said the same and i never asked it of him.  So that was strange too.

Anyhoo he sent me one of those "i'm thinking of you" texts.  Great.  Good for you.  What would you like me to do with that information?

The funny part is he sent it to my facebook because a few weeks ago i didn't respond to his text on my cell.

I wish guys would stop doing this to women.  We don't care.  You should have "been thinking" about us when you had your chance.  

Bye boy.

Also, i did it again.  I saw someone not on a dating site and reached out to say hello.  Have been chatting with him for a couple of days about music and life in general.  This guy.....was 500lbs over 20 years ago and had the bariatric surgery back when it wasn't so common.  He is BIG.  As in tall and big.  Its fun talking to him and he has been keeping up his end, i don't feel like he's recruiting a fan.  Because once again, i find myself gravitating towards a musician.  Not on purpose.  I guess i just enjoy the type.  So it's not a romantic connection but who knows.

Today, i feel like the more people i talk to and socialize with the more opportunity to meet a good man with a bad attitude.......lol   Gotta try.

I'd never believe it but its true

 If you had asked me 8 years ago if i would get back together with my ex i would have said yes.  I would have lost friends, my pride and most likely my sanity, but at the time...........i thought that was the answer.

I was so hurt.

I felt so abandoned.  

Alone.

BUT..........honestly, i felt like that for most of our relationship.

So why am i bringing this up now?  Because of Mr. Tattoo.

I fell so hard for someone i barely knew.  I just knew how i felt around him.  How we felt together.  But when we weren't together, i was filled with uncertainty, anxiety, and was continuously preoccupied by thinking about him.

The same as it was when i was with my ex.

When I cut it off with the situationship, which is all it ever was with Mr. Tattoo......I felt that same hurt but not as bad.  Now i identify it with disapointment.  In myself.  Not him.  Not them.

They are what they are.  Men who will use you for every ounce you will give them.  They will not attach to you because you are just a source of attention, adoration....they don't have it in themselves to give this to themselves.  Thats why when the source speaks up and says "hey, I have feelings and you are hurting them" they step away- they retreat.  You aren't supposed to have feelings.  Just adore them and don't have ANY expectations that they will return that feeling.  

And it's a complete mind fuck.  Because they take it take it take it........and then.......they don't want it from you anymore.  They have a new source.  You aren't even an after thought.

Knowing this and being able to digest it as truth are two different things.

I won't ever have a relationship of any kind with Mr. Tattoo because he was nothing but a blip on the screen.  Big deal, i had hurt feelings.  I fell for the man that owned his home, had nice things and kept them nice, cared about his health, knew how to host a guest, how to treat a woman in bed......I fell for his blue eyes and his sadness inside his tattooed mr. badass exterior. I never questioned my safety with him. His voice sent shivers through me.  But it wasn't real.  He, wasn't real.  None of that meant anything because to him......i was just another woman.  Any woman.

The ex......i had time and energy into.  I had invested in him as a man.  I had seen his "potential" and lord does that make me laugh now.  He has absolutely no self worth, and no desire to do better to get anything he wants.  This isn't new.  This has always been him.  I just see it now.

And what does that say about me?  That these are the types of men who i become attached to?  Because i don't think i deserve better? This particular blog entry isn't about that.  It is about my realization.

Yesterday i sent a text busting my ex's ass about stalking my tiktok.  ONLY because he had said something similar to me recently.  We got into a conversation and sometimes i forget we aren't really friends.  We are ex's that have no reason to communicate but do.  I do it because sometimes i miss his sense of humor, sometimes i miss his bluntness.  I don't feel like he will lie to me anymore because he has nothing to gain.  And we were together a long time.  He's family to me.

And while i love him, i have zero desire to ever get be intimate with him again - the idea makes me feel nauseaus.  That man dumped my ass for crazy town.  Go have ex sex with her.  I'm not the one.

He was only offering to help out.  (huge eye roll)  But it did make me laugh because he must have known there was no way in hell.  

We've been over for a long time. During that time, i've learned what it feels like to be "handled" in bed.  I've learned what really outstanding sex is, and what really bad sex is.  He wasn't bad but he's no where near the best.  That would require effort, that would require the desire to please someone other than himself.  

The best was Mr. Tattoo.  But he was also an empty shell when it came to feelings.  He was nice, he did all the right things, but he had no room for anyone in his heart.  Or, no room for me at least.

Neither are bad men.  But after all this time i can say with complete confidence that i have no feelings of "wanting" either any more.  I have finally learned that I can live happily without the attentions of men like them.  That i can see that type almost immediately and that i don't take it personally anymore NOR do i try to prove to them that "i'm the one"......

Rambling thoughts.  It happens. 

Overwhelmed with "too much talk"

 Last night i didn't feel my best.  I was on edge, my throat hurt, my nose was dripping and i was generally just feeling like a raging bitch.

I live alone, so i can do that and not feel the least bit sorry.

Until the phone rings and it's my bestie and I know i have to answer.

But why?

So i sat there, after i told her it hurt to talk because of my throat, and listened to her, and my dog started doing his nightly bark bark bark while he eats his food until i go touch it.  Yes, i have to touch his food and then he will eat.  Until he wants "new" food and the process starts again.  

There i am, with my bestie unloading into my ear and my dog barking in the other.

I had enough.

I told her i couldn't talk anymore and got off the phone, i told my dog this was the last time i was doing this food touching trick tonight and i took my ass to bed.

I never get upset with my dog.  My bestie, yes.  My dog, no.  So i KNOW i was cranky as hell.

What makes the difference i wonder?  

I need a break from the constant complaining and worry.  I've tried to tell her.  Lately its been really bad though, when i see she is calling and i know exactly what the conversation is going to be.  None of it will be happy, or positive, or even healing.  It will be about ailments, medications, other peoples worries, and have too's.  She is my BEST friend and i love and adore her.  We would do anything for each other  and we HAVE, but this latest round of negativity is really getting to me.

She is family to me.  We have been friends for over 50 years and we will never not be friends.  .....I am struggling to be a good friend. Maybe me blowing up at her is what is needed.  Maybe she doesn't see how truly negative she has turned.  I've always kept my mouth shut about certain things, like her marriage. Her husband has been nothing but kind to me but he is even more negative than she is.  I feel completely drained when i leave their home.

I see all the good they have in their lives, maybe that's what burns my ass.  They have literally no idea what it's like to be anyone but themselves or they would realize that they have it all.  Choices.  Each other. Money in the bank.  Employment and retirement plans.  We are getting older so health is going to be an issue but when it's something as simple as "drink more water"......I want to force it down her throat.  All the visits to the doctors, but she doesnt agree with any of them - takes all the pills and medication they prescribe but complains about the side effects.  We aren't even 60 and her health is about 90% of what we talk about.  

I need a little space so i can come back to being empathetic. I need to figure out why now, all of a sudden i have no patience for the constant negativity.  I need to figure out how to express this to her without hurting her feelings.  Without wrecking the relationship.

MY issue is that i have a deeply seated fear that has been proven to be correct time and again.....If i speak up about something that is bothering me it will be used as a weapon against me.  Relationships will be withdrawn, or i will be gaslit ........even worse, i will be ignored as if i never brought it up and the behavior will continue.  And i will accept it because i don't want to lose that person.

Problem identified.  Time to use my words and have a conversation about how this has been affecting our relationship.  I can't control her response but i need to say something for my own state of mind.

MEANWHILE Trump (Elon) continues to dismantle the constitution and make enemies all over the world.  Getting my passport is a priority. 

Valentine 2.0

Valentines was different this year.  I'm pretty used to spending it alone and not celebrating.  Its a holiday for couples and many couple don't even celebrate it (because the guy is too damn cheap is my thought) My friends invited me out to see "dualing pianos" and that sounded fun.

The first song they played was "Sweet Caroline".........I hate the fucking song. 

Sooooo off to a great start.  

I spent the rest of the sober part of my evening spinning in my head about a relationship that ended years ago.

Then i started thinking about relationships that could have been if i hadn't been a stupid loyal bitch.

I am so glad i'm not living a Jerry Springer life anymore.  

I knew there would be no lovin on Valentines day because i'm single.  Being in a relationship and NOT knowing if you are celebrating or not is pure SUCK.  

I had a nice time and the evening did get better - I was with good company and good gummies.  I may have sang along and clapped a few times. 

Per usual, i spent the weekend with my friends.  This time though, their grandsons came on saturday night and I didn't leave first thing Sunday morning......i was invited to go to their daughters home for a family birthday party and i went. It was nice to be around an entire family for a few hours.  I forget what that feels like sometimes.  

I want to spend more time with my kids and my granddaughter- I wish we all lived closer and had the kind of situation where getting together on Sundays (or whatever day) was a simple thing that didn't involve a lot of driving and/or public transportation.  I wish my home was somewhere they used their key to just come to randomly and see me.  Or borrow stuff.  Or look for food.  But they are grown and have entire lives of which i am a small part of.  Thats more than some people who have no relationship with their kids at all.  I'm grateful but i still want.  Want. Want.

Sometimes i feel filled with regret over choices i've made and then i remember that my kids are good people with good heads on their shoulders.  They are doing better in live than i ever did.  They make smart choices.

must be a shortage

 The worst thing about dating sites are the same people have been on them for years.  Now.....I myself have been on and off over the years but i rarely spend more than a few weeks on a site before i get my fill and have to take a break.

In other words disgusted.

Years ago, i talked to a man who seemed very nice, very attractive. We kept "missing" our opportunities to meet which should have been my first red flag but i was new to dating.  One night we were chatting away and he said I should come see him at work, since he worked with the public.  (Security gaurd) I grabbed us a couple of coffees and went to meet him.

Stupid Stupid Stupid.  I wouldn't do that again.  I was lucky.

We sat in a reception area of a building and chatted.  He was nice, but something was off.  He walked me to my car and i got a little kiss (STUPID) and he went back to work.  Then he asked me out again.  I asked him what his last name was and he got real cagey about it.  Had a big story about being stalked blah blah blah.  

I didn't remind him that his last name was written on his uniform.

So since i was interested, i looked him up.  Married.  Very. Married.

Duhhhhh MB.

So i blocked him.

I think i may have written a blog somewhere about him.......he wasn't the only married guy i caught.

Fuckers.  

SO TODAY- I remember to check my dating profile because......i've got a lot of dating to do this year and i'm falling behind.  I match with a cutie.  He says he thinks he knows me.  I don't remember him.  

I can't make this stuff up.  He's still out here.  Probably still married.  I don't care.  block. 

got dropped

I had the day off yesterday and did absolutely nothing which is my most favorite thing to do by myself.  I slept in, i read my book, i putzed around the kitchen.  I stayed in my pj's all day.  I moved from my recliner to my bed, to the coffee.

It was grand.

I had a feeling something was up with Rob because tuesday he texted and told me he was exhausted and just wanted to shower and go to bed.  Could we skip our call?  I said, absolutely.  (we aren't a couple but i value his communication style) Then yesterday he texted me in the morning, as is his habit (and i wasn't even hating it as usual).  No "how's your day" text around noon, so i figured he must be really busy at work or............no, i won't think that way.

But then, THE CALL.  Exactly when he said he would call, but i felt the vibe immediately.  Too quiet.  I asked if he was feeling okay?  He said no.  And then the rush of words that so many men find so difficult and ghost instead. He said he had a lot on his plate, that he was stretching himself too thin and that he realized he was still not over his ex-girlfriend.  He didn't want to be dishonest.  He thinks i'm wonderful blah blah blah.

I let him say his thing.  The first sentence would have sufficed.  I didn't need an explanation.  He didn't owe me one.  But i will give him the credit due because he did the thing.  So many men just disappear and leave women hanging wondering what the hell happened.  I haven't been ghosted, but i have been dragged along because the guy just couldn't say he didn't want to see me anymore.  

I'm getting better at it.  Hell, i know how he feels.  I enjoyed his way- he communicated, he shared his interests, he listened to me share mine, we talked about real things.  Sex was less than 1% of the conversation and even then it was in the context of we liked the slow pace of getting to know each other and not jumping into bed immediately.

Maybe he was full of shit.  If he was, he did a great job of covering it up.  He's a good guy.  I wish him the best.  

Okay, so i tried.  I dated someone i was not instantly attracted to because he is a nice man and had his priorities straight.  What did i learn?  There are nice guys out there.  Maybe they don't look like what i expect....but when you get to know someone they start to look different to you.  Like some beautiful people, you are attracted until you get to know what they are about.  Some guys i wouldn't look at twice due to my messed up programming, are really worth getting to know.

I mean.  I knew that theoretically.  But now, i've experienced it.  HOWEVER, there are plenty of not attractive men that are douchebags too.  So what it comes down to is......take my time.  Don't jump into anything too quickly.  AND don't take it personally when it doesn't work out.  So many of us in my age group have open wounds, or unsolved situations........It's okay.  Wish them well.  And then, move on.

Trump.  I can't.  I sit here writing about dating when this country is imploding.  I have never in my life questioned my rights, or my safety.  I do now. I'm scared of what is happening.  I feel helpless, and angry.  But today, i go to work and do my job and take care of the people in my life the best i can.  And i have hope. 

For now. 

ma'm

 a young man from IT came to my office to fix my monitor connection.......he had to go back to his office a couple of times because my monitors are old and the connections are precarious....i felt bad about his having to run around so i bantered with him.

He was very smiley and friendly.  I appreciate that.

He told me i needed to upgrade, but he made this one work again.  I explained had arrived at the same conclusion and had already ordered them.  I thanked him for his time in getting me up to work speed for the time being.

As he was leaving he said "when they arrive I will come back and set them up for you.....M'am.".......

.................

oh christ.  

i'm a m'am.

and i EARNED that shit!

and got new monitors out of it too.

Nice

My pants fit.

A nice pair of dress slacks that i bought for work....that have been hanging in my closet with no use.  When i put them on i had to do that little wiggle over my hips and then the pockets were stretched open.....you know, too tight.

This morning i felt like dressing up a bit and my hand landed on these slacks.  Hmm.  So i pulled them off the hanger and slipped into them.

Slipped. into. them.

No wiggle.

They hang the way they are supposed to hang.

Pockets, neatly hanging on my hips, not stretched open.

Funny how slipping into a nice pair of slacks and having them fit perfectly will get your day off to a good start.

Feeling myself.  

Now.......go feel YOURself.  

Kisses. 

Politics

 Absafuckinlutely not.

I'm just going to enjoy the last days of life as we knew it for as long as it lasts.......it's pretty damn obvious there's nothing i can do about it.

Aside from being kind and doing the right thing within my microcosm.  Remember?  No one can control how you respond but yourself.  

Believe no one.  Trust, no one.  Just live your life in the way you know is kind (which costs nothing) and when you see someone being "not" kind.....step up for the underdog.  Per usual.  That hasn't changed.

I think of my friend Sue, who passed on, and her without fail direction "HONEY, put your red lipstick on".  Little did she know how important that would be.  I listened to her then, and i'm listening to her now.

If you know, you know.

In other news.  I had the second date with Rob.  We both cannot seem to shut up.  Talk talk talk.  It's easy but there is a definite undercurrent.  He did give me a little kiss goodbye.  Which is good, because i would start to wonder ..........I do enjoy this pace.  We are getting to know each other, and finding a lot of common beliefs and interests, along with talking about things we don't have in common.  He has a backbone.  I like that.  

I will say, men who have been to therapy are much easier to talk to.  They are very much in touch with their feelings.

But they still get nervous.

I wonder how this will work out.  I have felt literally no stress, no anxiety......i mean, i'm not sure, but i'm open to finding out.  I enjoy the time we spend on the phone and in person but he is still on his very best behavior.  Time will tell.

He is strapped for cash, like i am.  Thats the only thing i'm concerned about, but, that seems to be just about everyone now. He takes care of his bills and his lifestyle and that is one of my "standards".  Lets just say it's on my radar.  it' a yellow flag. 

And i carry the same color flag so.......

Oh!  he did say he never wanted to remarry so THAT took a huge load off my back.  Some of these guys want that......and that's not something i will every do again.  I will never be legally responsible for someone elses behavior EVER again.  My finances will not co-mingle.  There is no reason for it.

Some lessons i've learned are indeed written in cement.

:)

What would jesus do?

 Supposed to have  a second date with Rob Saturday.  Why am i writing about him when i've gone on a LOT of second dates?  What makes him different.

Well, we never run out of things to talk about.  We have a difficult time getting off the phone.  As in, TALKING on the phone.  We really don't text too much.  

He tells me when he is going to call the next day depending on his schedule.  And also to make sure i can talk at that time It works out that the best time is about an hour before bed after all our "stuff" is done. I haven't had to wonder.  I'm finding that to  be much more comfortable.  And enjoyable.  I have something to look forward to rather than wondering if he will call.

I think, regardless of how this works out.......that is a new standard.  I hate wondering.  It gives me insecurity and it makes me anxious.  It makes me totally focus on the guy.....and THAT is my biggest problem with dating anxiety.  I have a life.  I don't want to think about the guy constantly. And if i DO think of him, i want to feel secure, and know i'll talk to him later.

It helps with the overthinking.  

Obviously.  LOL

Okay what else am i learning here?  I like consistency (even though we aren't in a relationship) I like hearing my name by a man who isn't pissed off, or trying to get me in bed.  It's nice to hear my name in a way that just acknowledges me as ....me.  Not BABE or HUN or the worst SWEETIE.  It's kind of wierd how people don't really use each others names with each other in daily conversation.  I never noticed it until i realized i really like Rob calling me by my name.  

Makes me feel seen.  and heard.  That i'm not just anybody. I'm a unique person to him, with this name. I'm fascinated because this is a new developement for me, and also, a new standard.

We are nerds.  We both love esoteric information that has no obvious use to be known.  He quotes movies and i know what he's talking about.  I sing lyrics (badly) and he picks up like we discussed which song to sing.  We like books and music and games.  Board games.

I've had a mystery game that was a monthly subscription for years now.  Only the first box was opened because i was curious.  I have asked every many i've gone on more than one date with if they would play it with me (Tattoo man never came to my house after the first time so he never got asked) and NONE of them acted remotely interested.  Rob PREFERS it to going out.  And the funny thing is, i believe him.  I don't think it's a ploy to come over and get into bed instead of playing the game.

Oh yes!

He flirts mildly so i know he's interested, but he hasn't gotten sexually explicit.  And we've been talking for a bit.  Men usually talk about interests for a couple minutes and then they want to know what you've "into".  And it's not just that i'm a bad picker.....this is a complaint i've heard from many women of many ages and backgrounds.  The quality of mens dating skills is........lacking.

And i feel like we are dating.  We are getting to know each other.  No red flags on my side.  

I casually asked him about the size difference, and he offhandedly said "do you think i can't handle you?".........and that was probably one of the sexiest things i've heard in a long time.  Wierd. 

I'm making a big deal out of nothing trying to self sabatoge.  But i'm aware, and i'm keeping a leash on my anxiety.  I deserve happiness and to be treated well.  And so far, i think this is how it starts.

Back to this date tomorrow night.  Of course because i was looking forward to it there is going to be a snowstorm.  If we were in a relationship it would be no big deal.  We'd either not see each other or go spend the night at one of our places together.  But we aren't in a relationship and we want to see each other so we are at that wierd place.

It's a SECOND date.  I'm not looking for him to spend the night and i'm not looking to go to his place. So i suggested maybe just playing one of those remote online games instead. (I did say we are nerds didn't I?  if i didn't, we are.  We are nerds and proud)  He said we should play it by ear, which is what i had said last night.  

And then, he said his buddy was doing a Non super bowl party on Sunday and asked if i wanted to go with him.

.............

He wants to see me and he wants to go to the party and he is combining the two.  Taking me around his friends.  Casually.  But still.

My anxiety just ramped up.  I told him he should totally go!  he said "i asked you to go with me" and i said ..........let's play it by ear.

While i was talking to him last night i acknowledge (in my head to myself) that i really enjoy talking to him.  That i really like him.  That we have a LOT in common.  The man will play board games with me. He sent me a picture of an 80's lyrics game book and I thought...."this may be the guy".......

So.  We'll see I guess.  Maybe this is how dating is supposed to be.  Two normal people getting to know each other for a possible relationship without focusing on sex.  Two normal people who have common interests but also separate interests and the same belief systems.  

Wouldn't that be nice?

i smell

 good.  One of my favorite parts of the morning is when i get to spritz on my favorite perfume.  Some women don't feel complete without lipstick, or a full face of makeup.  I don't feel complete without a scent.

I do it for me, because it makes me happy.  I don't wear it for anyone else, although, i do love when someone compliments how good i smell.  Yes, i know. I do. :)

I used to use the cheaper stuff and then one day i decided that i deserved to enjoy the good stuff.  I have a much smaller selection, my signature scents.  To me, this is a luxury.  I appreciate that i take such good care of me.

I once knew a man who told me i smelled.  He didn't say it like it was a good thing.  He said perfume gave him a headache, and that i shouldn't wear it.  He preferred the "natural" smell of soap and water.

Which, i also use.  

I think that was the nastiest thing a male has ever said to me.  I stink?  I'm very consious of smells and he obviously had a delicate nose.  So i didn't punch him in the face.  I'm a lady.

He had no idea why we didn't see each other again.  Men don't want to be "changed" and hellooooo, neither do women.  My scent is picked carefully and enjoyed immensly by me.  If you don't like it, you don't like ME.

I myself prefer a man with some chest hair and a bit of a package.  But you didn't see me telling him to change. 

I bought a new scent and i woke up this morning and couldn't wait to shower and put it on.  Like christmas morning.  The joy.  The small things that i consider extra.

So.....i better make sure to have a special display of my perfumes in the van.  Add that to the list.

i stink.  Ha!  

Nothing new to report

 My eyesight is going fast.  Today i have an eye appointment and we'll see whats going on besides old age.  I sit at a computer for the majority of the day and then i usually have my face in a book or on my switch at night.  I've been pretty lucky, only using my glasses when i'm driving at night or maybe at a concert or movie due to distance.  I have been using cheaters for a couple ol years now once in a while, but now i have them scattered all over the house and at work because i'm blind without them. 

I do NOT hang them around my neck.  A line needs to be drawn somewhere.

Last night i had a horrible headache and i was flat out beat up.  I started falling asleep in my recliner at 5pm so i made myself some dinner and gave up the fight and went to bed.  My daughter texted me at 7:30pm and i didn't see it until this morning so.........i definetly needed that sleep.

The cat caught a mouse at around 4am and decided she was going to keep bringing it to me.  That was fun.  I thought maybe i would get up but then, the alarm went off at 6am and pulled me out of a dream.  And now i'm sitting here wishing i could go back to bed.

Whats up with that?

So i will force this protein drink down my throat and start the work day now.  Tonight Rob is calling at 7:30 so hopefully i'll be able to stay awake until then.  We are going to figure out what to do on Saturday.  

Isn't that nice?

I think so.  

Don't project, just relax and enjoy

 Easy to say.

I have this gift, that i recieved when my last long term relationship blew up - the gift of finding the reasons it won't work regardless of how wonderful any given man may seem.

I will enjoy myself, and then i will pick him apart in my head...making him undateable.

BUT, if he seems disinterested or blase about ME...........well, now i have to prove to him why i'm "the one" for him.  Even if he doesn't deserve me.  Even if he had 1,000 red flags.

The good part?  I know this about myself.  So i've been managing it.  

One of my first dates so far in 2025 wants to be involved with alternative lifestyles and seemed really focused on the sexual aspect of a relationship.  Me not seeing him again was valid.  We aren't on the same page.  He wanted to switch up what he told him when i explained why we would't see each other again.  He really likes me, blah blah blah.......but dude.  We aren't a match.  You can't just alter all the things you told me because you now know i'm not into it.  Do you!  Go find the kinky woman of your dreams and have fun!  Been there, done that, no longer interested.  

I have dipped my toes into just about every option there is to find out if i'm missing something or more importantly, if i would prefer something other than a good old fashioned relationship.  I'm not, and i don't.  One man, one woman works for me.  My whole life doesn't revolve around sex.  That seems exhausting and honestly.........it gets boring.

So i met someone this weekend for lunch, and then we continued on to coffee next door because we were holding up the table.  didn't talk about sex once.  We just had a nice flow.  I like his priorities, i like how he handles his life, I am impressed with how he interacts with me.  He always tells me when he will call me next, and asked me if i'd like to go out with him again.  I said i would.  And he immediately asked me out for this Saturday.  

There is no wondering if he likes me or if he's going to call.  he has removed that.  He is interested, obviously and he does what he says he's going to do.  He fits me into his life and doesn't make excuses about why his life makes him treat me like an afterthought.

Perfect right?

so what can i pick apart?  He is smaller than i am.  I think he may be slightly shorter and he is built slender.  I feel like a wilderbeast next to him.

Granted, i'm not a tiny woman.  But he is a smaller man.  Picture that combination.  All i can see in my mind is the memes where the huge woman is lifting the toothpick man up.  Its not that extreme.  but thats what comes to my mind.

Because i self sabatoge possible relationships with nice men who like me.  Because red flags are what i get challenged by.

But.  I don't want a challenge with the man i want to call mine.  I don't want a fixer upper. 

I'd like him to be at least 6ft tall, have a fabulous income, lots of friends and have his priorities straight BUT be a bad boy and make me feel oh so lucky that he picked me.  While he's with me.

Women that say things like the above make me crazy.  What does what he looks like have to do with how he lives his life?  Why should we feel oh so lucky instead of just satisfied we've found our match.  I'm not rich, how can i expect that to be a qualification when i don't even meet that standard?  

I can advise other women on how they are choosing but i don't listen to my own advice.

So i am going to with this one.  I'm going to just see how it progresses.  or not.  and at the very least i will learn something.  I have standards for my OWN behavior and maybe he will fit that, or not.  I won't self sabatoge.  I won't push him away because he is built small.  Thats a stupid reason.

Every time i think i have myself in control i get thrown another test of what is imortant to me REALLY.

We'll see.