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Overwhelmed with "too much talk"

 Last night i didn't feel my best.  I was on edge, my throat hurt, my nose was dripping and i was generally just feeling like a raging bitch.

I live alone, so i can do that and not feel the least bit sorry.

Until the phone rings and it's my bestie and I know i have to answer.

But why?

So i sat there, after i told her it hurt to talk because of my throat, and listened to her, and my dog started doing his nightly bark bark bark while he eats his food until i go touch it.  Yes, i have to touch his food and then he will eat.  Until he wants "new" food and the process starts again.  

There i am, with my bestie unloading into my ear and my dog barking in the other.

I had enough.

I told her i couldn't talk anymore and got off the phone, i told my dog this was the last time i was doing this food touching trick tonight and i took my ass to bed.

I never get upset with my dog.  My bestie, yes.  My dog, no.  So i KNOW i was cranky as hell.

What makes the difference i wonder?  

I need a break from the constant complaining and worry.  I've tried to tell her.  Lately its been really bad though, when i see she is calling and i know exactly what the conversation is going to be.  None of it will be happy, or positive, or even healing.  It will be about ailments, medications, other peoples worries, and have too's.  She is my BEST friend and i love and adore her.  We would do anything for each other  and we HAVE, but this latest round of negativity is really getting to me.

She is family to me.  We have been friends for over 50 years and we will never not be friends.  .....I am struggling to be a good friend. Maybe me blowing up at her is what is needed.  Maybe she doesn't see how truly negative she has turned.  I've always kept my mouth shut about certain things, like her marriage. Her husband has been nothing but kind to me but he is even more negative than she is.  I feel completely drained when i leave their home.

I see all the good they have in their lives, maybe that's what burns my ass.  They have literally no idea what it's like to be anyone but themselves or they would realize that they have it all.  Choices.  Each other. Money in the bank.  Employment and retirement plans.  We are getting older so health is going to be an issue but when it's something as simple as "drink more water"......I want to force it down her throat.  All the visits to the doctors, but she doesnt agree with any of them - takes all the pills and medication they prescribe but complains about the side effects.  We aren't even 60 and her health is about 90% of what we talk about.  

I need a little space so i can come back to being empathetic. I need to figure out why now, all of a sudden i have no patience for the constant negativity.  I need to figure out how to express this to her without hurting her feelings.  Without wrecking the relationship.

MY issue is that i have a deeply seated fear that has been proven to be correct time and again.....If i speak up about something that is bothering me it will be used as a weapon against me.  Relationships will be withdrawn, or i will be gaslit ........even worse, i will be ignored as if i never brought it up and the behavior will continue.  And i will accept it because i don't want to lose that person.

Problem identified.  Time to use my words and have a conversation about how this has been affecting our relationship.  I can't control her response but i need to say something for my own state of mind.

MEANWHILE Trump (Elon) continues to dismantle the constitution and make enemies all over the world.  Getting my passport is a priority. 

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