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Don't project, just relax and enjoy


 Easy to say.

I have this gift, that i recieved when my last long term relationship blew up - the gift of finding the reasons it won't work regardless of how wonderful any given man may seem.

I will enjoy myself, and then i will pick him apart in my head...making him undateable.

BUT, if he seems disinterested or blase about ME...........well, now i have to prove to him why i'm "the one" for him.  Even if he doesn't deserve me.  Even if he had 1,000 red flags.

The good part?  I know this about myself.  So i've been managing it.  

One of my first dates so far in 2025 wants to be involved with alternative lifestyles and seemed really focused on the sexual aspect of a relationship.  Me not seeing him again was valid.  We aren't on the same page.  He wanted to switch up what he told him when i explained why we would't see each other again.  He really likes me, blah blah blah.......but dude.  We aren't a match.  You can't just alter all the things you told me because you now know i'm not into it.  Do you!  Go find the kinky woman of your dreams and have fun!  Been there, done that, no longer interested.  

I have dipped my toes into just about every option there is to find out if i'm missing something or more importantly, if i would prefer something other than a good old fashioned relationship.  I'm not, and i don't.  One man, one woman works for me.  My whole life doesn't revolve around sex.  That seems exhausting and honestly.........it gets boring.

So i met someone this weekend for lunch, and then we continued on to coffee next door because we were holding up the table.  didn't talk about sex once.  We just had a nice flow.  I like his priorities, i like how he handles his life, I am impressed with how he interacts with me.  He always tells me when he will call me next, and asked me if i'd like to go out with him again.  I said i would.  And he immediately asked me out for this Saturday.  

There is no wondering if he likes me or if he's going to call.  he has removed that.  He is interested, obviously and he does what he says he's going to do.  He fits me into his life and doesn't make excuses about why his life makes him treat me like an afterthought.

Perfect right?

so what can i pick apart?  He is smaller than i am.  I think he may be slightly shorter and he is built slender.  I feel like a wilderbeast next to him.

Granted, i'm not a tiny woman.  But he is a smaller man.  Picture that combination.  All i can see in my mind is the memes where the huge woman is lifting the toothpick man up.  Its not that extreme.  but thats what comes to my mind.

Because i self sabatoge possible relationships with nice men who like me.  Because red flags are what i get challenged by.

But.  I don't want a challenge with the man i want to call mine.  I don't want a fixer upper. 

I'd like him to be at least 6ft tall, have a fabulous income, lots of friends and have his priorities straight BUT be a bad boy and make me feel oh so lucky that he picked me.  While he's with me.

Women that say things like the above make me crazy.  What does what he looks like have to do with how he lives his life?  Why should we feel oh so lucky instead of just satisfied we've found our match.  I'm not rich, how can i expect that to be a qualification when i don't even meet that standard?  

I can advise other women on how they are choosing but i don't listen to my own advice.

So i am going to with this one.  I'm going to just see how it progresses.  or not.  and at the very least i will learn something.  I have standards for my OWN behavior and maybe he will fit that, or not.  I won't self sabatoge.  I won't push him away because he is built small.  Thats a stupid reason.

Every time i think i have myself in control i get thrown another test of what is imortant to me REALLY.

We'll see. 


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